>Be on /tg/
>Hear noises outside
>Look out windows
>Ships surround your home
>Hear a knock on door
>See this
>"My son, be at peace, for I have arrived and intend to take you home."
wat do?
Go into a lengthy tirade how this can't be canon as he drags me to the ship.
>>43828847
I lol'd.
>>43828779
Start bringing up the prophetic tomes this planet has produced
>>43828779
Play him off against my mother and have two Christmases?
Seeing as how I'm on /tg/ when he comes and gets me, I tell him everything that will happen in the future so it can all be 'Just as planned'. Single-handedly just saved the Imperium from becoming the grimperium.
>>43828869
This is the guy who wouldn't believe Horus betrayed him. He's not going to believe some book.
>>43828847
So we know wat happened to the 2nd and 11th primarchs now.
>>43828779
"For fucks sake, Tell Lorgar and Magnus about Chaos."
Even if he doesn't believe all of our rants about the future, we'd atleast have the authority as his sons to start preparing for the coming storm and shove it in everyone's faces when we're right.
>>43828779
I angrily yell all the things he has to do , to stop the horus heresy. Then i found the black templars, because fuck the fists and crussaders teutonic knights are cool. I will deal with the primarchs as the cosmic kindergarden teacher to stop them from fucking each other up while daddy is building the stargate system.
If all this is done i slap robot gulfball with his codex aspergis and crussade with half a million space marines to the Tau to skullfuck them.
>>43828953
>>43828779
"Are you absolutely certain it's me you're looking for? Because honestly I have no idea how I'm supposed to be a Primarch."
>>43828886
THIS
>>43828847
>>43828910
>>43828779
so ummm can we invest a bit in the imperial guard/army R&D department? Those guys have it a bit rough
oh and happy Turkey Day
>>43828953
Then i tell the orks that tyranid fleets have a pile of golden teeth and endless supply of fungus beer at their end.
Then i get a Eldar Gee-F and chill out with her at some paradise world, shitposting on the interwarp
>>43828978
I CALM DOWN IF SHIT IS DONE
>>43828928
basically this
>>43828779
Tell him I want to be the best goddamn Psyker that lived
>>43828779
use daddys money to make the national sport of the Imperium Blitzball.
found my SPESS MARIEENS on the principle of using ball shaped weapons, with an emphasis on leg strength, quick attacks, and aquatic warfare
>>43828779
>Dadperor shows up
>all of the others have either conquered their worlds, gotten close to it, or are Angron
>I'm shitposting on 4chan and have a dead-end job
How do I not get purged from history?
If I DON'T get purged from history, can I take mygirlfriendwith me?'Cause she's pretty much the sole success of my life.
>>43829262
you gunna get banished through time in front of your waifu to?
>>43829262
Wakka pls go
Will never understand how that retarded ape got to bang best girl Lulu
>>43829330
He will lend you your legion and with it you will easily conquer Earth.
>>43829363
of couse im going to fall in love with a half-human mutant heathan, do i look like a faggot?
don't forget the copious use of warp powers and artifacts, greater deamon binding, casual walks though the warp, casual interaction with human souls, creation of warp infused AI, etc etc.
>>43829469
>implying that any FFX girl is any better than any of the others.
love them all equally anon.
>>43829478
Will he, though? I mean, cool if so: I'll happily fuck this place into order. I just see him being all SON I AM DISAPPOINT.
Shulk is the better time traveling godling boy anyways
"Oh no, I know how this play out. Piss off you wanker. I'm not going to fight and die for an incompetent idiot like yourself."
Warn him and know I'm about to be purged and become a missing primarch. Also wonder why he only now found me when I'm on holy Terra.
>>43829770
'Cause you got lost 28,000 years in the past and you haven't conquered the planet?
Talk about a low profile.
>>43829805
He found the primarchs from psychic energy. They lit up like beacons in the warp.
>>43828779
"Wait... if I'm your son too... then is my husbando my brother?"
>>43828953
>implying Crusaders are Teutonic knights.
Dude, they are so clearly Nazi's.
Sorry Dad, I'm into Chaos now
>>43832492
>literally called black TEMPLARS
>religious imagery
>not crusaders
What?
>>43831585
>Your brother is your husbando
>He loves you
>And you love him
>Family secrets
>>43832713
Don't forget "literally had Crusader rule" and "Crusader squads".
>>43828847
hahaha 10/10
>>43832744
[sounds of the Lion fapping]
>>43828779
Give him advice on the future preventing the grimdrep, tell him to store STCs in somewhere safe, and ask him drop a comet on someone who deserves it. And try to find him something for Christmas.
Desperately try and make it look like my shitposting is somehow the equivalent of the other Primarch's accomplishments by my age.
I'd might stop drinking special brew at 8 o'clock in the morning.
>>43833562
>not being the founder of marines dedicated to planetary shitposting
>>43828779
"Father, why do i suck compared to my brothers? is my advance knowledge of the future the only thing i have?"
>>43838699
>>43833562
>The Emperor's Manchildren
An entire legion known for its tactics of psychological warefare via gore and and annoying the enemy until they leave in disgust
>>43838725
Pretty much. An entire division of gene-seed devoted to clairvoyance, intelligence gathering, and predicting what's going to happen based on available data.
The ultimate just as planned Marines.
Ask him to take a seat in the kitchen, as I prepare food for my child's upcoming birthday party and I need to make some specially tailored food for his friends. They can't digest meat proteins and are vegetarians with carnivore features.
>>43838812
Kek. We are Anon.
It's like an autistic alpha legion
Cry, because I'm an obese neckbeard, and I know the Big E is gonna put me through 100 years of physical conditioning to put me up to snuff with my brothers.
Honestly I'm just gonna throw my lot in with the Blood Angels and World Eaters. I'm good at brawling so I also gotta ask why big E made several sons all good at close range fighting, it's gotta be awkward when you have 3+ legions of attack hounds howling and baying for blood (in one case literally.)
>>43828779
Go with him.
Get to know my legion. Meet with it's leaders and such, try to get a full understanding of what tools the Legion has to bear.
Send an open invitation to all the worlds leaders so that we can calmly and politely discuss the unification of Earth in the face of the greater threats in the universe.
Watch my naive hopes get dashed.
Be forced to brutally suppress the planet, starting with ISIS and North Korea in the hopes of getting the rest to see reason.
They won't.
Have the shadow of my failure to peacefully unite the world bear down on me from then on out.
It gets worse when i find out that other primarchs were more successful.
Can't even face my family and friends anymore because of the purges i had to order for peace.
The Horus Heresy occurs, and I ultimately side with the emperor because I know that Chaos is bad for humanities future.
Left a broken shell of a man after being forced to fight against the other Missing Primarch and his legion, causing neither of us to have much of an effect on the war.
Hear of the emperors fate.
Knew it was coming but.. Fuck.
In my shame at my own powerlessness I ask to be removed from the records.
Tell my Legion to endure until my return, and that when i do i will be bringing hope back to the Imperium.
Fuck off to find some means of healing the Emperor, ending his torment, and hopefully get past my own guilt over my failures.
>>43828779
Give him a loving hug.
Introduce him to my little sister.
Ask if he will play"Scrabble" or "Monopoly" with his newfoundtwo female primarchs.
>>43838957Blood Ravens?
Go hang with Vulka, Corvus, and Ferrus.Sit at the drop site and reinforce it, fake being a traitor to DOUBLE BETRAY the traitor legions and avert the drop site massacre.
>>43839235
So are we called the divinatiors ?
Use our lore knowledge to fuckwith everything. Hang out with malcador, save ferrus. Warn russ about the yiffing, find out if the lion is really autistic, and go bar hoping with fabulous hawk boy ?
>>43839198
>Training you and your Sister-Primarch's minds for planetary and later galactic conquest with the Ancient Terran simulators of skillful wordplay and real estate simulator
Keep up the good work
>>43840345
But the important part is not to let anyone know how we know stuff.
Also, suggest to Magnus that Papa Emperor is paranoid, but he might be right, so don't trust tentacle monsters when they offer powerups.
>>43829692
>He thinks he has a choice
When the Emperor says it's time to come home, you don't have a choice in the matter. Just ask Angron.
Recommend using star wars as inspiration for a secular means of taming the warp, it enables faith but has no face that any false god creature could wear for themselves and gives people a reason to keep cool because sadly common sense won't cut it
>>43828779
Father, why am I so weak compared to my brothers? Is it a problem with the gene seed, or am I myself to blame for my weakness? My brothers are living legends, worlds quake beneath their feet. Yet I am so weak that I am nigh indistinguishable from the common men of this planet. I cannot match my brothers' strength, nor their tactical genius, nor can I even boast of any psychic prowess. I am the runt of the litter, doomed to fade from memory while my brothers forge their own legends.
What is my purpose? What are my strengths? Can I even serve the Imperium as I am now?
What can I do?Shitty roleplaying aside, could you imagine being the runt amongst the primarchs? Your brothers are all living legends who arm wrestle greater daemons, and yet you're barely stronger than a scout marine. Either you'd fall to chaos hoping for power, or you'd be the most loyal out of the primarchs because you just want to make father proud.
>>43841968
I smell a fan fic with potential
>>43828953
Whoa no. If you assholes wouldn't abandon your poor outer territories and actual thought before getting triggered maybe we could all be happy and fight the nids, chaos, rons, elves and greens together. Think, astartes! How much of the universe could be ruled if only the imperium and empire worked together!
>>43832744
This pleases Slaanesh.
>>43842017
>Runt primarch is weak due to a mistake in the gene seed, making him barely as strong as a scout marine.
>Legion is wiped from Imperial records because a weak primarch would set a bad image for the others.
>Leads his legion, which is now off the record just like him.
What would be his saving grace? He'd have to be able to do something the other primarchs can't, something that doesn't require raw strength or tactical genius but is useful enough that the Emps keeps him around.
>>43842197
>What would be his saving grace? He'd have to be able to do something the other primarchs can't, something that doesn't require raw strength or tactical genius but is useful enough that the Emps keeps him around.
He's good with people?
Sorry, no female Primarchs.ree
>>43842197
When his legion has a primarch that's only scout marine in power level, his legion is much weaker than even regular marines.Of course, this means his geneseed is used for the Imperial Guard. His chapter master is Creed.
>>43842197
He is a kind and gentle man.
He views his marines as more than medieval tanks in space and tries to instill in them a sense of wonder.
Having known the emperor when the latter was in his prime, he remembers his father's ideals and dreams and tries to live up to them.
His legion does not only cleanse and purge, it also rebuilds the worlds it turns to ash.
"Fuck off huge armor compensating fuck, I don't play Warhammer"
>>43842197
>He'd have to be able to do something the other primarchs can't
He'd be the only one who knows what it really is to be human. He could be the person in charge of... dunno, humanitarian effort, PR, advising his brothers how people work? Probably wouldn't be listened to a lot, but hey, that's at least something.
Or make him a spymaster. Analyzing raw data and assigning agents doesn't require strength nor tactical acumen, and he could take to the field as well, as he wouldn't be as noticeable as, say, five-metres-tall dude with red skin and one eye, or a three-and-a-half metres-tall dude with wings.
>>43842268
If Emps has any shred of humour (or Malcador is nearby), you'd end up being dropped on the nearest battlefield without huge armour. Or any armour at all, for that matter.
>>43842237
>When his legion has a primarch that's only scout marine in power level, his legion is much weaker than even regular marines.
Oh yeah that's true. Okay, so maybe the primarch isn't weak as a scout, but about equal with a run-of-the-mill marine?
Actually, here's a better idea. What are the implants responsible for a space marine's strength and durability? Maybe the defect in their gene seed means they don't get those, making them only as strong as a normal human. In exchange though, they produce one extra progenoid, making the legion bigger than usual.
Basically, rather than being big demigod-like space marines, the legion is basically just super-soldiers. They can still breath in water, they still have a black carapace, they still don't bleed and they still spit acidic venom and all that, they just can't benchpress tanks or fight on after losing half their limbs. They'd be the most human out of all the legions, and their primarch understand normal humans far better than the other primarchs or even the Emps himself.
In the end, the runt primarch is the weakest of his brothers, but he makes up for it with an iron determination. After all, he's the weakest of the primarchs. He has to work his hardest to accomplish what his brothers take for granted.
>>43842473
Also, what would we call the runt primarch and his legion? The primarchs all have names that are a pun or a reference to something, anyone have ideas?
>>43842601
Parvus, Latin for small?
>>43842601
Tom Bradly from Accounting.
>>43842197
Prophecy?
>>43842615
Parvus could work. What about the legion's name? Any ideas?
>>43842197
He just somehow survives everything the galaxy throws at him without ever getting strong enough to be on anyone's radar. Not even the Chaos Gods realize that he exists.
He's the part of Big E that pretended to be an ordinary, if talented, mortal for millenia and got caught up in all sort of irrelevant bullshit. The tiny part that's just human.
hey awesome dudes what's latin for anal?
>>43842713
The Regulars?
>>43842713
Plurunum?
from "e pluribus unum"
Or justCatachan Jungle Fighters
I do like the idea that when all the Primarchs go about doing grand planning, brooding or tech/magi research, there's one that just puts on a boilersuit or similar and walks around Terra. Gets a drink. Listens to people.
At most, people notice his implants and think he's an AdMech acolyte enjoying his relative humanity before teching up.
He's the one who asks, in among all these chapels and training grounds.. Where is the school going to go? The toilets? The transport links? Stuff people care about and use.
Visitors to the Emperor and his Sons assume the brown robes figure at the table is a Remembrancer or servant. It always catches them off guard when the littlest Primarch reveals his status.
>>43843232
So a Listener? Or The He who Understands?
>>43828779
>No thanks, one awful father is enough for me.
>slam door in face
>>43842197
Not be a complete dumbass?
>>43843259
Well someone has to. Everyone else is shouting too loud to hear, or locking themselves away to listen only to the whispers of the Warp or the roar of the Forge, or even hiding away from the world.
Someone has to Listen, and Speak what the words are trying to say.
>>43828779
Date best girl Sangüinius.
>>43828779
At first I will need some Terminator Armor like the ones Inquisitors use and some mechanical and probably genetic upgrades to keep up with Space Marines.
I will most likely still be weaker than my fellow Primarchs and therefore an outsider.
Then I will go and put some xeno empires to the torch, until I fall into an existance crisis, because everybody else does his job better than me.
Then I fall to Chaos.
>>43843044
>>43843049
Eh, don't think either of those really fit the naming patterns of the other legions. If I had to choose, I'd say The Regulars, but I dunno, doesn't quite fit. We'll come back to that I guess, maybe after we've developed this idea a bit more.
So, what about the other primarchs? Which of his brothers would Parvus like? Which would he dislike? How would they view Parvus? And how would the Emperor himself feel about his weakest son?
I'd imagine Parvus would really hate Curze, seeing as how he'd probably hate the whole terror thing he had going on. I could see him admiring Dorn's loyalty as well. Horus, Sanguinius, and Fulgrim I imagine he'd look up to since they were all really strong yet for the most part weren't assholes (at least before chaos).
>>43828779
>Meet my faget brothers
>Go AWOL again deep in the cosmos
Ya'll know Gork and Mork did it and it's the biggest secret being kept in the Imperium by the Dark Angels Fallen.
