Let me tell you why halflings are the worst...
>Be the DM of a homemade campaign played on roll 20
>Give the option to let players come up with crazy shit for characters
>Some people go easy, some pick OP as fuck warforged, but that's a story for another time
GAME 1
>One halfling tries flirting with the NPC quest giver. She shrugs it off and sends him to a back room
>Takes it as an invite to his pants and strips to a thong
>mfw the other halfing does the same and they start doing half-naked cartwheels all over the place
>Other PCs are on the verge of killing the little shits
>NPC quest giver comes in. She's a dragonborn, about 6'5, decked in rouge gear
>One of the PC halflings hits on her, the other smirks watching
>One PC threatens that they're gonna kill them now
>I tell them to remain calm, then proceed to roll to intimidate the two
>After modifiers, its over 20
>She walks up to them, rather calmly, then proceeds to grab them by their little heads and slam them into the table before them with enough force to break a normal man's face
>Room erupts in laughter, and neither halfling flirts with her again
GAME 2:
>Party encounters a dragon. Not a fully leveled one, but one none the less
>Everyone starts preping for combat, although I do encourage them to try to talk it out first
>The fucking halfing has the balls to say "I roll to seduce the dragon"
>Rolls
>Fu. King. Crit
>Our faces as he types obscenities in the chat and the party is escorted out
>He never showed up again after that
And that's not the last story of this.....interesting campaign
>>43557596
>not ALWAYS rolling to seduce
what are you, some kind of faggot?
>Playing pathfinder
>Titan mauler barbarian
>Slightly modified for balance with rest of the group
>Currently in airship flying towards suspected dragon den.
>Bard spots this huge gargantuan red dragon chilling outside the entrance.
>Dragon doesn't see us since we're like 10,000ft in he air
>I have an idea, swap out my usual large greatsword for a huge 15ft. long greatsword we got off of a giant a few sessions ago and left in a bag of holding.
>Ask to borrow the bard's feather fall ring
>Jump off of the airship
>Swing my sword around until I am standing on it, make the appropriate acrobatics checks with the other players becoming very interested.
>Begin raging
>Red dragon looks up and sees a screaming spec in the sky flying towards him.
>Roll and manage a hit even with the penalties.
>Activate feather fall with a 31 will save to speak the command words while in rage(house rule).
>I ask the GM how much damage near terminal velocity adds to sword damage.
>He groans and picks up a handful of dice, rolls, and sighs.
>"The last thing the dragon sees is a screaming barbarian surfing the sky with on a massive sword before the sword pierces him through the neck, back, and through the stomach in a Gory explosion of blood and scales. A few seconds later a rather excited man gently floats down near the corpse".
>I'm no longer allowed to play barbarian.
>>43557743
I was the DM. I'm hardly the one making seduction rolls
Anyway another few stories
>GAME 3
>Other halfling rolls to seduce the gods
> Crits
>Gets blessed with a 6 ft dick
mfw there is now a Halfling who pops a boner bigger than his own body. Guess who left the campaign after that
>GAME 5
>Party has to subdue a giant snake
>They get critical information mid fight that they cannot kill the snake for fear of bad things happening
>Pixie mage decides to throw snowballs at it, this works for a while
>The Paladin and Ranger however drop their weapons and go to punch it
>They ALL miss
>Snek turns to bite the pixie
>natural 1
>It ends up biting its own tail and injecting itself with enough venom to KO itself
>Party agrees to never bring up this embarrassing show again
Possibly the oddest of interactions has to be this though
>Their ranger heads into the starting bar alone, ahead of the other PCs
>Decides to check on the quest giving NPC to see if she's got any pointers on where to go next
>I tell him to roll perception
>Natural 1
>he walks in on her walking out of the shower
>this is the same NPC that facedecked the halflings to submission
>ohshithegonnadie.jpg
>she is fuming, demanding to know what his business is
>the player panics, then says "Fuck it, I tell her I want her"
>he rolls to seduce
>NATURAL FUCKING CRIT
>table/room is silent
>I decide to skip a few hours of in game time to spare the awkwardness of acting out the characters banging
>fast forward about half a game later, after a party member is blasted apart and he's left unconsious
>recoveries are in mid progress when he gets news from the dragonborn
>after some mental rolls she was left pregnant
>silence.gif
>he vows to keep his character alive as long as possible so that the NPC isn't left a single mom
>There is already plans for a "Dragon-fey" kid in later campaigns
So.......what would the stats and racial features for a half woodelf-half dragonborn? I'm in a loop of god damnits here
>>43558055
>>43557811
>>43557596
These could all be avoided if you didn't have crits=Super awesome silly success.
>>43558103
this
You're literally digging your own graves faggots
>be le me in D@D
>party is in place doing thing
>player decides "I do dumb thing"
>rolls dice
>le nat20 meem
>dumb thing happen
>mfw
>>43558103
>>43558117
>no fun allowed
>>43558196
>fucking up the game for everyone else because lolsorandum allowed
>Have a bad DM and group
>stupid shit happens every game because the DM is so bad
>>43557596
>>43557811
>>43558055
>>43558196
You might enjoy a more randumb and silly game session than I do, but those stories doesn't sound fun to me, it sounds stupid.
If you enjoy stupid fun, more power to you.
But halflings and dice rolls are not what is making the campaign "interesting."
>>43557753
Now, this shit right here, nigga?
This is enjoyable stupid fun.
It was ridiculous and could easily have gone horribly wrong, but ended up awesome.
(Although if I hadn't seen you trying to get this done in the drawnthread, I'd be less likely to believe it actually happened.)
Ok, a slight deviation from being the DM to being a PC
>party member gets their hands trapped by a statue
>he tries breaking free, fails
>be me, dragonborn rouge
>because fuck the meta I own a sit load of blade weapons, ranging from daggers to longswords
>I am told to roll intelligence saving throws to help
>first is ok, swing longsword at statue. Nothing
>trapped guy (out paladin) still fails to break out, but it looks like the statue might give soon
>go to roll int again
>it's a 2
>DM asks what weapons I have on me
>crap.png
>I have 2 daggers, 2 shortswords, 2 longswords
>I am forced to roll a d6
>hit a 4 or something
>mfw I watch as my rouge drops their longsword, whips out a dagger and slices our paladin's hand off
>he rages at me, of course, but the DM says it was litterally the only way to save him in my character's eyes
>paladin caves my skull in later and hangs himself
It was a depressing game
>>43558382
This also sounds like a terrible game with a terrible DM.
>>43558382
>dragonborn rouge
>>43557811
Please stop.
>>43557596
I've had a game which ended like this:
When fighting the final villain, the Fighter was hit by a disjunction. This destroyed nearly all the magical items he was carrying. So he went:
> "Fuck it, I kill myself."
Then the Rogue went "Yeah, I kill myself too." The Wizard shrugged and went - "Okay, we can't win now, so I guess I kill myself." The Cleric wanted to be a joiner, so he offed himself as well.
In one round, the entire party was dead because of spontaneous suicide. I like to think that right after that, the villain just sat down and had a long, hard think about the way his life was going.
>>43558496
If the GM didn't tell all these assholes that he aint GMing again for them, unless they stop having a 3-year old's mentality, then the whole group is awful and you deserve each other.
>>43558512
I was the Cleric. As the last man standing, I guess I just wanted to show solidarity.
>>43558496
I can understand the fighter's player's mentality. Without his magic sword/armor/protection he was as good as a naked level 1 monk with worse AC. He was going to probably die next round to any number of things anyway.
>>43557596
Your stories are shit.
>>43558496
"I'm still not quite sure what happened that day", the former dark lord said with a forlorn look on his face. "All I did was destroy their main warrior's magical weapons then suddenly every one of the four who came to strike me down took their lives right before my eyes... Maybe my method of ruling is... wrong?".
>>43557753
My players like fall damage too.
>city under siege.
>city is really just civilization in the roots of a giant tree that have been magically directed to encircle everything.
>unholy enemy army is camped out in the shade of the tree, because they don't like sunlight all that much.
>the party climbs into the tree
>the party climbs into they branches that hang over army.
>they start searching out for army commander
>They find him.
>they position themselves over him.
>druid flies down into camp wildshaped, transforms, and hides near the commander
>druid's animal companion (awakened stirge) takes his position on the bard's back
>the bard steps off the branch.
>the stirge does his best to guide the bard towards the enemy commander.
>meanwhile, the druid prepares a spell
>when the bard gets within range, the druid successfully polymorphs him into a giant ape, milliseconds before impact
>the boss encounter I had worked on that week was completely trivialized by the players getting creative with physics and polymorph HP.
Later on in the campaign they developed a kraken space program.
>among the first games i played
>party is traveling through forest
>sets up camp as night approaches
>one guy on watch, rest are sleeping
>scout yells for everyone to get up
>hordes upon hordes of boars are stampeding through the forest
>everyone loses their shit and panics
>elf of the party wants to acrobat and begins leaping up into a tree
>only he used my character's head as a footstool
>elf leaps, jumps about two metres up into the tree
>action counts as an attack
>crit
>broke poor Tol's neck, but he managed to survive
>Only to be mauled and stomped to shit by the dozens upon dozens of wild boars
>elf's face when
>>43558620
At least the player learned the importance of balancing on the shoulders instead.
>>43557811
>subdue a giant snake
Methinks the results of Game 3 resurfaced in the mission for Game 5.
Does anyone have the screencap of that one Halfling who jerked off all the time and ended up saving the day?
>>43558718
Saving the day by jerking off, I mean
>>43558172
>>43558321
>playing the Stormfront and SJW supplement to DnD with my buddies.
>roll up a hipster, with the antimeme meme feature.
>gets to reroll all meme checks that are against more popular memes
>first encounter is a thread about DnD stories
>see some people having fun with a nat20 homebrew rule meme in the thread
>not on my watch
>write smarmy sarcastic post attack with the greentext spell
>roll for (you)s
>NAT FUCKING 20
>summon a meta nerd who writes an even longer green text post that gets really fucking meta
>no fun was had that day
>perfect success.
I'm not saying you guys are autists for caring, but you're certainly riding my coattails on the autistic spectrum.
>>43558757
It's just hard to believe that if a DM doesn't want something to happen, and the thing that might happen would fuck up the game, be inconsistent with the game, or make no sense at all, then the DM would let that happen just cause a 20 was rolled.
>>43558757
>be me
>playing Games & Geeks
>encounter in a forum
>shitposters shitpost in a shit thread
>roll for autism
>natural. fucking. 20.
>we all become autists
>the Thread Master has our parents take us back to the doctor
Later on, he had my character visit his grandparents where his grandad took him behind the shed and shot him for being cursed with the "devil's gene"
>>43557811
>mfw
>no face
You're a bit special aren't you?
>>43558496
>I like to think that right after that, the villain just sat down and had a long, hard think about the way his life was going.
>>43558550
>Maybe my method of ruling is... wrong?".
Best end.
This is quality deriving something neat from something lame.
>>43558196
>5% chance of absolute crazy bullshit success on any attempt to do anything, ever
>>43558878
I've seen that used before, but yes, yes he is.
>>43558387
The DM was a bit of an asshole I will say. He kept putting us in unwinnable situations and it was only due to dumb luck we made it as far as we did. No one even hit LV 2
>>43558950
>>43558387
>>43558382
Unless your dragonborn "rouge" was retarded, he would have been able to see that the state was giving way.
Even if it was retarded enough to panic and think to cut off the hand rather than wait, he would be too stupid to wield a weapon if he couldn't figure that a sword was better to do it than a dagger.
Seriously, unless the character was cursed or mentally impaired, that GM was indeed terrible and out of line.
>>43559038
My character had 9 Inteligence. Not the brightest, but still smart enough to know otherwise. Honestly I'm still salty about it
> Be me, forever Dm.
>party of 5 with a lawful good (Ie Lawful Stupid) PC, let's call him LS for short.
>World is Ending, King is committing genocide as a last ditch fuck you to the undead, as they cant turn if they're already dead. The god of death is walking amongst the living. In short world is fucked.
>PCs decide to fuck the world and just try to survive, even LS agrees.
>A Dwarven Fortress is the last bastion of life on the planet.
>A good holdout it, the undead beseige it for weeks
>The worlds last mages and scholars manage to create a magtech portal to different realm
>the undead burst into the city, pcs manage to contain them.
>The rulling council decide only those useful will be evacuated, the rest must be left behind, as the undead are on their ass.
>LS dosent like it
>argument happends
>"If everyone cant, then no one will"
> they call his bluff
>he destroys the portal, damning all life on the planet.
>the undead swarm in, PCs put up a last stand, but die.
>mfw
>>43557596
>NPC quest giver comes in. She's a dragonborn, about 6'5, decked in rouge gear
Why is the color of her gear important?
>>43558583
Kraken space program?
Please, elaborate.
>Be me, playing a magus
>Low level quest sends us looking for local lumberjacks that are gone
>We lurk in the forest
>We find a male (?) nymph
>He tells us that he woke up recently to protect his thicket from the drows, there's a Darklands entrance nearby and they're angry
>He did not seduce the MALE lumberjacks, how could he?
>So we go to the caves
>Find the drows, then the 'jacks
>They're captured as workers, some other are held "almost naked" in steel cages, with some bright green crystals around them
>The drow enchantress that's overlooking the area catches us, quite obviously spams Unnatural Lust all over the fight on our MALE ONLY party
This was only one of the adventures that our FEMALE GM had in store for us.
>>43559641
Basically a combination of my players willing to try anything, no matter how stupid, me deciding to give them a fair shot at it, and them succeeding.
Same party. I through a kraken at them. The druid responded by polymorphing it into a rabbit, casting water breathing on it, so it wouldn't drown, and then picking it up. The party now had a very docile rabbit that was going to turn into a kraken in an hour, or if the rabbit was killed. They didn't know what to do with it, and the thought of simply dropping it in the ocean and booking it never occurred to them. There was even a place they could do it in, where the rabbit would be locked in an underwater tower.
Instead of going down, they went up. The bard asked if his character knew about space or anything like that. I hadn't worked out the cosmology of the setting, and it wasn't important to me, so I let him roll for it, something like a Nature (Int) check. The better he rolled, the more favorable I would make the cosmology when improvising it. Well, he rolled a natural 20 on his cosmology check, so as a group we decided his character was basically the neil degrasse tyson of the setting (would have been einstein or something, but stupid sexy bards).
So I decided that due to unique cosmological factors in the creation of this magical world, the atmosphere remained constant pressure until five miles up, where it and gravity suddenly gave way to a layer of vacuum where the stars resided.
The players then flew their kraken/rabbit up into the sky (bard had some boots of levitation) up to the border between atmosphere and space, and then launched it into space with a bigby's magic hand. The rabbit died of exposure to a vacuum and the kraken it turned into died soon after.
Then they flew down, decided they wanted to harvest the kraken for parts, and launched a retrieval mission.
>>43559731
Now, I don't have a female GM, but I had a whole party of female players. Boys, do I have stories to tell.
There's one where they engaged in necromancy. Sexy necromancy. Yes, even the Paladin and the Druid.
>Tfw none of my normie friends will ever play dnd with me.
I'll probably go my whole life without playing once. Reading your stories are all I have.
>have monk player constantly missing, being useless, clearly getting frustrated
>starts attacking with "my whole body" in his futile attempts and shows us the rules text literally says that's one of the things an unarmed strike can be
>later on winged creatures are abducting his home village in a massive raid, led by a black-winged angel villain, made more dramatic by the party's music guy putting on some indiana jones shit on his john williams playlist
>he's still missing most of his attacks, but the party is so far saving most of the villagers anyway
>almost-defeated villain, the last remaining foe, makes his final spiteful move and snatches up his neighbour's tiny daughter to carry off to the desert fortress and monk misses the simple touch attack as he is buzzed by villain on its way out, toward a dry 'peninsula' cliff on the plateau nation's edge
>he gives chase and is the only one fast enough to keep up, to miss one more touch attack as he passes the edge
>discouraged as fuck player just wants to make a new not-shit character, maybe with better stats
>he jumps and 'attacks the ground with his whole body'
>we're not even watching the die he rolls, he's getting out his phb and I'm digging for fresh character sheets
>I come back up saying I can't find shit, and see the rest of the group is instead looking at the Natural 1 and looking at each other shiftily, music guy is intently digging through his playlist trying to find what I assume is a sad song
>I don't even think before I start, "wait, you, uh... missed?"
>music guy sets his player back down into its dock, playing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvFo5BijsHs
>after a moment I say "okay, go get him" to the monk
>>43559752
Well, tell us! Don't leave us hanging.
>>43558407
Rouge is a Rogue
You raging rag roger
>>43559731
I want that gm.
Though I'd have a chat with here in which I respectfully requested flirty female npcs as well as flirty male npcs.
>>43559854
Well, okay. I don't see the harm.
> Four-player party (Druid, Paladin, Cleric, Sorceress) slay Necromancer before he can complete his dark ritual.
> Starts looking around the tower, finding treasure in the form of necromantic reagents, spellcasting materials (including black gems), etc.
> Find his ultimate creation, a yet-to-be-animated, perfectly preserved paragon (i.e. higher natural stats) minotaur that was meant to be his warlord.
> The treasure is his equipment (enchanted full-plate, enchanted axe, Bracers of Natural Armor, etc.)
> The girls decide to complete the ritual to revive him. Sorceress and Cleric with Magic Domain alter the ritual to make him less powerful, but give him more benefits. Use almost all the reagent treasure in the process for a really high-quality creation.
> I'm wondering where this is going at this point. Point out that this is pretty evil and against the laws of nature. Neither Paladin nor Druid care.
> Paladin and Druid ask if they can use their powers to take away even more of the drawbacks of the undead condition. Totally confused at this point, rule that they can use positive energy to 'balance' the process for a more potent final result. (I know, I know - But I wanted them to be able to contribute in some way.)
> They complete the (extremely powerful) spell, and bring the minotaur warlord to life as a kind of a variant vampire/undead champion.
> Very confused minotaur wakes up in his new undead state to find four gorgeous women fawning over him.
> The party GETS THEIR FUCK ON.
> Literally spends the whole week doing the Brides of Dracula routine.
> After they get bored, they GIVE AWAY his +3 Flaming Axe and Full Plate of Fortification, and let him go off on his own.
> Minotaur warlord proceeds to gather an army and ravage the countryside (Not as badly as he could have, admittedly) while seeking to gather a harem.
> Party doesn't a flying fuck.
Yeah, they ended up unleashing an undead threat on the countryside.
>>43559978
I remember seeing this story before.
>>43559978
>>43559992
Likewise. It's a pretty old one.
>>43557753
So you cast feather fall and think you're still dealing massive fall damage?
You either deal the extra damage and take the extra damage, or you don't. If feather fall didn't activate before you hit the dragon with your sword, your arms are taking that damage first.
I imagine your DM feels bad that you're dumb
>>43559978
There's more:
> A few levels later, party is in a city under siege.
> Mercenary forces include a sizable contingent of undead/conventional troops.
> Turns out they're led by the warlord, now styling himself the Fire-Axe.
> The party goes undercover to sneak into the camp to cause disruption, end up being brought before the warlord.
> Warlord is very, very happy to see his four 'mothers'.
> Wondering about party's cunning strategem at this point.
> They don't care, they get their fuck on AGAIN.
> Girls flip sides. Warlord broaches subject of a permanent arrangement...
> Ends up with a harem of four of the most powerful women in the 'verse. (The rest of the harem is basically given the boot.)
> Adventure completely derailed. They didn't even follow up on the BBEG who'd hired him.
> Campaign ends with a four-way wedding.
At a certain point, you just have to go with what your players want.
>be DM
>Party in combat
>Player rolls
>Nat fucking 20
>Mad man rolls again
>comfirms
>×3 damage
>Fight is now easier do to one enemy being dead sooner than expected
>XD lol so random
>>43560056
Lucky bastard. Did they ever say why they wanted to screw the minotaur/ride the bull anyway?
>>43560133
Who wouldn't?
>>43560133
I don't know, it wasn't like he was especially suave or smooth-talking. I mostly played him as a gruff, close-mouthed masculine archetype, albeit slightly smarter than most. Also, unable to believe how lucky he was.
It's like, I didn't expect the offer to actually be appealing to the PCs. I barely did anything. It's sort of like when the villain does the last-minute "It's not too late! Join me, and we can rule the empire together!" thing. Here, the girls literally dove on him once they met him again. It was a weird cross between "Look at how our boy has grown up!" and "My, you've done really well for yourself."
>>43560200
>>43559978
>>43560056
Sorry, but did you have him keep calling them his mothers? Because that's really Oedipian, and kind of fucked-up when you think about it.
>>43560328
Now that you mention it, yeah. But really, it's an unnatural situation from the start.
>>43560328
Aww, what's the matter? can't get your wank on naturally?
>>43557743
That album is great.
>>43560505
Look, it's just creepy. It's like a girl telling you to "Touch me like Daddy touched me."
>>43560581
"I haven't been fucked like that since I was six!"
I'm gonna make a wizard specialized in Illusion. Am i gonna regret it? I wanted to give some light to the "middle brother" of schools, but i'm not even sure if there are any talents for it (like a summoner would get), or if any metamagic could help (other than Persistent Spell).
>>43560033
Or feather fall just effects him, not the fuckhueg sword?
>>43562102
Spells on people affect equipment too unless stated otherwise, but even if this were the case this would mean he'd lose his grip on the sword due to moving much, much slower than the sword
>>43559731
If this was an online, anonymous game, I'd totally be down for it.
>>43559551
>>The rulling council decide only those useful will be evacuated, the rest must be left behind, as the undead are on their ass.
I can actually understand the LS point of view.
>World ending
>Portal to evacuate everyone opens
>"Okay everyone, if you are useless, wait in the back to be killed defending our escape or be turned into a horrible mockery of life."
>"Clearly, the ruling council will be needed, so we will be going."
>"Hey you! What are you? A crippled young boy? You could never be useful ever, wait in the back."
>"Burgess Meredith! We see you there! You're just an old librarian, you're obsolete! Get to the back!"
>"No, we can't just all go now, we have to sort out the useless. This is how eugenics works, people!"
>"You know if you people would just accept your deaths, we survivors could have been through the gate already!"
>"You heroes! Hold this rabble back to let the useful people through! Right this way, Miss Jenner."
Yeah, it was probably better for all life on the planet to end than inflict that evil on an unsuspecting world.
But, he *was* stupid for smiting the portal and not the ruling council.
>>43557811
>game 3 results in dick
>game 5 is caused by subduing snakes
I see what you did there my friend... But seriously, you should kill those small fuckers.
>>43563390
>surfing the sky with on a massive sword
>A few seconds later a rather excited man gently floats down near the corpse
he wasnt holding the sword, he was aiming it
>>43563390
>even if this were the case this would mean he'd lose his grip on the sword due to moving much, much slower than the sword
>>43557753
>>Swing my sword around until I am standing on it,
He was standing on it, not gripping it.
He was less hitting the dragon with the giant sword than he was dropping it on him, guiding it some while falling.
Really dumb idea that turned out well.
>>43564096
>>43564108
This is why I need to pay more attention. I wouldn't give im sword damage as if attacking with it on top of falling object damage though
>used to think Old Man Henderson was the greatest thing ever
>read it again 5 years later
>oh.
stupid fun lost the magic for me long ago, unless it comes with skeletons
>>43559978
>>43560056
> The party GETS THEIR FUCK ON.
> Literally spends the whole week doing the Brides of Dracula routine.
> They don't care, they get their fuck on AGAIN.
> Girls flip sides. Warlord broaches subject of a permanent arrangement...
Once you go bull, you gotta be full.
>>43564247
I would have used that damage, if only to resolve it at the time rather than stop the game to research it.
After all, the sword would do more damage than a ball of the same weight. as it would pierce in addition to crush.
But the barbarian was essentially throwing a giant sword at a distant target with his feet.
The falling negates strength penalties, but unless he spent summers surfing shields with Legolas or something, I would hit him pretty bad with penalties.
Points for style though.
>>43563807
I was perfectly fine with him trying a diplomacy roll, or RP'ing a argument, but no, he decided to smite the machine entirely. I would have allowed him to try anything else, but that's the future he chose. He wasn't even trying to protect the otherworld or even save everyone, he just wanted to save his Street Urchin Waifu who was at the back of the line.
>>43564608
>Mfw that's my main character's face when anything goes horribly wrong
>>43564608
>he just wanted to save his Street Urchin Waifu
Every post increases my understanding of both his position and the depths of his stupidity.
I would hold the world hostage to save my girl too.
But, "nah Imma gunna break it." is truly stupid.
But seriously?
Fuck that ruling council for taking the time and effort to order the line.
Were they checking ids?
Did they take a census?
That is almost as stupid as a lawful good character killing the world out of romantic spite.
>>43564797
>Not checking ids?
Do you want illegals? Because that's how you get illegals.
>The group has to attend a fancy dress ball to get the scoop on someone
>Required to check in weapons and equipment at the gate
>Playing a kobold, have an idea
>Stuff everyone's weapons and some bare necessities in a sack
>Buy the bard one of those big poofy fancy dresses
>Hide in her dress by standing between her legs, my feet on her feet for a single pair of footsteps, and holding onto her thighs for support
>Manage to sneak in the stuff we need in preparation for a fight
>>43564854
Technically, they are all about to become illegal refugees, so...
Wait, are therekobolds?
>>43564797
They weren't even ordering the line, it was a bullshit excuse to make sure the wealthy and royals went first. The only advantage of this to the PCs is that they were at the front of the line as well.
>>43560033
maybe he let go of the sword before casting feather fall?
>>43565001
>it was a bullshit excuse to make sure the wealthy and royals went first.
Oh, okay then.
Elite, then plebs.
I can get behind that.
But any delay in the evac would be stupid.
And again,
>Every post increases my understanding of ... the depths of his stupidity.
All he had to do was insist his waifu go with the elite.
Or even better, take his place in the elite.
But Krunk smash, that better.
>>43564943
I will build a wall and make the undead pay for it.
>>43558382
>the DM says it was litterally the only way to save him in my character's eyes
Is there a bigger red flag than the DM dictating what your character thinks/feels (excepting when under magical/chemical influence)?
>>43565280
I gave him every option. He had a million ways to play this scenario out, and he chose the stupidest one possible.
>>43558382
The fuck was your DM thinking ?
>>43565547
Fuck dragonborn or fuck the party I guess
>>43565547
My guess?
>Hehehe... bueno. I win!
>>43559978
Why did the paladin not fall?
>>43558757
>>playing the Stormfront and SJW supplement to DnD with my buddies.
That actually sounds amazing. Like Racial Holy Wars, but self aware.
>>43557596
>>43557743
There's literally nothing in that story that couldn't be attributed to any other race played by a given character.
At least with Kender hate characters they focus on in game aspects of the race in question.
This is just writing off an entire PC race because of the actions of two overly horny players.
>>43565851
She did, she didn't care. Honestly, with three casters in the party, it was basically easy mode anyway.
>>43565526
>I gave him every option
>>43559551
>>"If everyone cant, then no one will"
>> they call his bluff
It couldn't have ended any other way.
>>43566084
Sounds like a pretty shitty party actually. Should have just ran an ERP campaign.
>>43566113
Oh man, you really don't get female players, do you? The Druid, through the entire game, refused to use Wild Shape. She also engaged in animal abuse, and went through FOUR companions. The Sorceress picked her character because 'Playing a Wizard is too complicated.'
This was the most invested the party had ever been in something. Fuck, even the Paladin played fast and loose with her code. One of her vows was "If you tell us everything, you have my solemn promise that I will not fuck your kneecaps up."
Then she let the Rogue do it.
>>43558055
That reminds me of a campaign I ran for my players.
Party:
Emperor Lore the Swift, the untouchable elven rogue who usually just distracts people. Used to be primary damage, before being surpassed by Marloss.
Aquilius, the 8-foot eagle man white mage who serves as a utility character and flight. Occasionally dishes out massive damage.
Marloss, the fungus-human hybrid. Incredible defense, incredible offense. Vowed to surpass Lore in OPness, succeeded. Main damage source, can also use fungus powers.
This is a homebrew by the way.
>doing some other unmemorable quest
>roll 2 for daily encounter
>AMBUSH
>lizard woman ranger, female high elf tank, female flame spirit rogue/spellcaster
>all the same levels as the party, sweet gear, each is geared against our party
>they ambush, but Lore has ring that lets him always strike first
>he parries the ranger's arrow, goes intangible, and starts taunting
>surprise surprise, the flame spirit can touch him but not burn him (her essence can touch him, but not her physical form)
>meanwhile, Marloss charges the other group
>takes a massive swing at the ranger
>3
>ranger dodges
>1
>no she doesn't
>ranger is below half health
>she surrenders
>big scary mushroom man in the center of the mercenaries
>high elf slashes at the shroom
>does jack shit
>he just gets angrier
>he punches her in the face
>hits
>nat 20
>KO
>Aquilius casts force cage
>catches flame spirit, who was going to set shroom on fire
>she does it anyway
>shroom takes minimal damage, just rolls around until the fire goes out
>we have one enemy seriously wounded, one KOed, one force caged
>i should have made this encounter harder
>party confiscates their shit and ties them up
>except for the flame spirit, who had nothing and is just being sat on by the still-intangible rogue
>okwhatnow.jpg
>interrogation time
>handled by shroomdick
>okay, who the fuck hired you?
>high elf: we'll never tell
>lizard woman: it was the elven nobles
>high elf: you sellout
>>43566244
Some backstory: After some shenanigans, some incredibly lucky rolls, and some more shenanigans, Lore became emperor of all elves. Basically murdered, fucked, and talked his way to the crown. In that order. He still adventures with us because he gives no fucks.
>why
>lizard woman: i dunno, i'm here because I was paid
>flame spirit: i'm here for the fun of it
>high elf: shut up you two
>okay, we're going back to the elven kingdom
>but first we need to get some better security
>okay let's go back to Bastiongate
Bastiongate is a dwarven fortress. My dwarven fortress. I couldn't avoid the self-insert, but my players like it so it's fine.
>okay, Bastiongate isn't far, roll for prisoners escaping
>nat 20
>shit, high elf escapes
>how bad is it
>16
>shit, she frees the lizard
>it's cool, Marloss is on it
>roll to punch high elf in the face
>nat 20
>KO because she's not wearing a helmet because she wanted to show off her face
>force cage on fleeing lizard
>flame spirit is still being wrestled
>welp
>they arrive at Bastiongate
>Marloss buys some shackles, which luckily the dwarves have
>they also borrow an artifact gem cage, leaving the rogue's magical superweapon staff as collateral
>toss the flame spirit in the cage, clap the other two in irons
>chuck them all in the wagon
Did I forget to mention they have a wagon? Pulled by giant desert scorpions? That the party occasionally feeds goblins?
>onward to the elven kingdom!
>after a while they arrive at the shore
>the scorpions ate some bandits
>also Lore and the flame spirit shack up, she gets let out of her cage
>party has to take a quick hop by boat to the kingdom
>>43566167
Well, I do and they're somewhat like that. Only difference being that my female players are actually all transexual. That's what happens when you advertise on 4chan. They're pretty chill, at least.
>>43566104
He had a million options before he made the choice to even consider smashing the portal.
>>43566104
Not him, but he didn't say how they called his bluff and he did say he was perfectly fine with him trying a diplomacy roll, or RP'ing a argument in response.
>>43566293
Indeed I did
>>43566266
>upon arriving at the docks, the nobles are waiting
>there was a good reason, but i forget
>Lore challenges them about sending mercenaries to kill him
>can't remember their response
>he throws one to the scorpions, who devour the faggot
>guards try to intervene, Marloss goes full murderhobo, the remaining guards flee
>Lore basically tells them they can go fuck themselves and takes their land, gold, and titles
>sand-in-vagina high elf gets buttmad, won't shut up until Marloss KOs her again
>nobles flee the country, pursued by a mob of peasants
>Lore declares massive party, breaks out the royal/former noble booze
>whole kingdom gets wonderfully drunk
>Lore shacks up with flame spirit again
>is she pregnant
>18
>yyyyyyep
>afterwards
>Lore spends the confiscated money on public service and such, giving it back to the people
>we let the lizard woman go and return her shit
>she promises to work for the kingdom in the future
>throw high elf bitch in dungeons
>Lore establishes an elected senate of sorts, to help rule by the people and suchlike
>we leave and go continue whatever the fuck we were doing before
>high elf bitch eventually gets out of prison, but goes nuts with paranoia after several assassination attempts
>flame spirit finds out she's preggers
>but Lore is already gone
The kid is probably going to be Lore's player's next character, after Lore dies or becomes a god.
Itt nat 20s lololol
Nat 20 stories are BORING.
>Be me, playing AdEva with other people in college
>Playing a socially dependent/inept Manufactured (dependent AND second fiddle)
>Pretty much waifu the shit out of our Prodigy AT Tech
>After a few months of sessions GM decides we need a break
>Cue game within a game run by our Operations Director (the GM)
>Fast and loose DnD knock off
>Waifu makes a cleric, convinces me to play a thief
>Be level seven, clearing a dungeon for gold and glory
>Accidentally set off a poison trap, this kills the thief
>Freak out and spill my spaghetti everywhere
>Waifu jokes that I can’t take part anymore because my character died
>Too autistically inept to into jokes
>Flee the room like a bitch before they can explain things
>Waifu’s cleric levels up
>OD has her stay behind after the session to discuss prestige classes and shit
>Surprise, we’re still playing the game not just the game within it!
>Actually is trying to bring waifu into a creepy AT-field cult
>Waifu goes along with it, intrigued by the ability to use AT powers outside the Eva
>Meanwhile waifu ignores me to focus on fighting zombies and AT fielding people
>I’m freaking the fuck out with muh waifu ignoring me
>Tumblingdown.gif
>Waifu finally stops by to see me
>Sanity has long since shat itself, and I’m swinging from the ceiling
>Waifu goes on a guilt trip, blaming herself for my suicide
>Gets into an argument with the OD and becomes conflicted about the cult
>Our hunky Neo-spartan defacto leader offers to help her
>Takes her to see a motivational preacher he knows
>Waifu gets motivated into quitting the cult
>Burns all of her cult paraphernalia, refuses to use AT powers
>This almost gets everyone killed in the next Angel fight
>I stroll back into HQ a month later because clones, yo
>No memory of the last month and a half
>Can’t understand why everyone is horrified
>Playing Edgy McEdgelord assassin
>We're climbing a lighthouse to talk to someone for...some reason I forget
>Decide that stairs are for squares, and that I shall exit the lighthouse by leaping out the window
>Acrobatics and a class feature let me take 0 damage, DM describes it as leaping into a hay bale, Assassin's Creed style
>Paladin decides that looks like fun, follows me
>Rolls garbage on Acrobatics, lands on a stack of crates full of rice, nearly kills himself.
>Our wizard had to stop the Barbarian from diving out the window too
My group is odd sometimes
>>43559551
This doesn't seem so bad. Paladin sticking to his principles.
Never compromise, even in the face of Armageddon. That's always been the difference between us.
>>43566670
>His principles involve dooming the entire human race.
Depends on what deity you're serving, I guess.
>>43566410
>Boring stories are BORING.
FTFY
>>43566670
>This doesn't seem so bad. Paladin sticking to his principles.
>>43566761
>Depends on what deity you're serving, I guess.
It's been done before (Prime Directive) but I determined the guy in question was being stupid, not principled.
>>43558718
>>43558729
bumping this request, I can't remember his fucking name
>>43567015
>>43558729
>>43558718
I tried to find it on the archive and...
There has been a lot of halfling masturbation on /tg/.
I could not find the hero you were looking for, but I found his nemesis:
http://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/25441612/#25441742
>>43559565
It's called setting the stage you pleb
>>43557596
I'm rebooting this campaign, but the first time I ran it was fantastic up until... I can't remember the circumstances.
>using Rogue Trader system
>players are on an assignment to watch over a pair of planets
>planet A is GoT in space with "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out" as its soundtrack
>planet B is Shear from Evolve, except far worse
>players are entering a ball celebrating Planet A, Dominion, and its acquisition of planet B, called Silas III
>players are: Seneschal, Rogue Trader, and Arch-Militant
>Arch-Militant is new to tabletop, and a woman whose ideologies I have no clue on
>the royal ball begins, two of the three players were royalty so they knew what was up in the game of sex, politics, and stabby
>third one was the new girl
>explain that the Rogue Trader is singled out by one of the more "promiscuous" women
>Arch-Militant is unimpressed
>Arch-Militant was raised on a Death World, however
>rolls save to not lose her shit and stab someone
>nat1
>Her character enters a moment of Zen, and realizes that this is just like her homeworld. Less giant desert beetles, more crazy nobles
>finds a young heir, and states she's gonna dance with him
>rolls to seduce
>kid rolls against it
>98
>several contested rolls as she dances him around the ballroom, it is revealed he is into women that could kill him with a hand gesture
>she explains biting her lip and saying she's killed 42 people in a single day
>pic related, mfw she explained she was gonna date/fuck this kid to create her own noble house
Needless to say, my fears she would be a tumblrite went -right- the fuck out the window. They also caused a dragon-apocalypse in another other game, but the party got upset with the consequences and I decided to just cut the campaign when they all were very clearly not enjoying it. If anyone's interested, I can tell that story!
>>43567253
There's also a part where some simpleton woops through a window like a police siren, I think after they burn down a tavern for insurance money
I fucking wish I could find this but I don't remember anything useful in a search and I'm not good with the archive anyway
Does this ring a bell for anyone? I think he jacks off on some magic artifact, and it somehow saves the day
>>43566772
This is true.
>>43567968
And here i am, Interested
>>43566582
>My group has a good sense of humour sometimes
FTFY
>>43560566
It really is. The band is actually better performing live. They really bring a great energy to the show, transcending Sabbath-worship and turning it into serious blood and thunderand as I Kiwi I shed a single patriotic tear of lanolin
>>43568647
That too.
The DM was the same one who did the Meta-Baal thing I mentioned in another thread, and who one time, during a war campaign, let me augment a siege unit with some transmuter wizards to turn the launched rocks into dinosaurs mid-flight, so that when our army sieged an enemy nation, they were also having to fight off a horde of dinosaurs inside their walls.
>>43568806
And very angry dinosaurs at that, I imagine.
>>43559847
I like this story.
Now if only the monk's name was Arthur...
>sent to find a gnoll camp and destroy it
>arrive at night and fine the place soaked with blood everywhere
>no really it looks like a blood orgy in a ketchup factory
>see pile of dead bodies staked on pikes carved with spooky runes
>all the bodys eyes shoot open and turn toward us
>cleric barbarian and rouge fail will save
>me and bard burn EVERYTHING
>come back from a gnoll camp that was obviously fucked sideways by a necromancer
>town is surrounded by twitchy dead gnolls and a fucking etin and giant
>mages have all the males in the town cornered up against the wall with a ring of fire forcing them to gaurd
>my retarded 10unt 10 wis fighter unlatches his horse from his cart
>raises his hammer in the air and jumps over the ring of fire while screaming "LET ME IN I WANT TO FIGHT"
>bar-bro-ian follows
>rouge surprisingly follows
>bard and cleric look at us like we are retarded and demand the mages let everyone out
>cue giant smashing down the wall and everyone running away
>we run through town
>dead gnolls erywhere
>dm describes the bard's fight cause the party split up
you see a gnoll hunched over a dead woman
>oh god its not ea-
she was pregnant
>thisupsetsthebard.png
>cue bard punching the thing in the head
>cue rouge stealthing away from 7 gnolls
>dm turns to me the cleric and the brobarian
(cleric) you hear a scream from down in the alley
>cleric run in to see a little girl almost btfo by a gnoll but he saves her
brobarian you see some villagers being chased down by two gnolls they dont look like they will last long
>brobarian hands a guy his hand axe and tells him to fight
>cue brobarian and cool villager guy bitchslapping the gnolls
retarded glory hound fighter (me) you see 4 gnolls tearing into a house and the sounds of screams
>i charge them with my hourse and brutally bitch slap one but a gnoll slashed my horse for half its health
>hop off my horse and slap it on the ass to make it run away
>"you bastards......that was my girlfriend!"
con
>>43569743
>dive through the window of the house
you see the brutally torn apart remains of a little girl a woman and a man it looks like he tried to fight back but to no avail
>thisupsetsthefighter
>lean down and place my hand in the blood of the dead family
>smear it on half my face braveheart style
>"vengence"
>proceed to bitchslap the gnolls with my maul
>tfw im the only party member who counts their kills(15)
>tfw im the only one who has been taking trophies
>tfw i have gnoll teeth wrapped around my maul and my armor
>tfw dm calls my hammer gnollsbanetfw its not even a special maul
the DM says its gunna get "real fukin spooky up en here" next session but we are only level 4i eagerly await vengeance on the bastard who did this
>>43568631
Sweet. A bit of context here:
>this setting had dragons go extinct
>players were unaware of the exact details
>players didn't want to hear story from NPC
>players did not know that dragons died 500 years prior due to the Elf Queen, who was HBIC until unique creatures tricked her to leave
The players were dealing with strange constructs that had been discovered to travel through time by nature of the party's original composition, which were people from a separate timeline. They me a character who used to rob banks for a living, and really wanted to hit a cave these strange constructs were apparently working out of. The bank robber rolls many bluff checks, all poorly, and awkwardly lies about how he can't read scrolls and doesn't know anything about magic. He then casts a spell on himself, claiming he had an item on him, when he CLEARLY used a spell. Wizard didn't even spellcraft it. That's their first red flag they happily ignored.
>players approach cave
>I play iconic T-Rex roar from Jurassic Park
>players decide to rest before going in bright and early in the morning
>upon entering that morning, they find that there were a LOT of constructs
>clusterfuck walls players outside, Wizard player half-asses encounter
>robots have weapon that fires Magic Missile, so the Wizard clearly casts Mage Armor
>Wizard dies (this is important)
>Bank robber friend begins pulling out spells to save the day
>Robots have a gateway he leads the group through
>group sees more robots carrying eggs around while a red wyrm wrestles a massively huge construct
>Summoner's Eidolon goes full-retard after the wyrm melts the constructs holding the eggs and gets wrestled off a cliff, rolls nat1 on Stealth check
>Eidolon screams, in "hurr durr," the phrase "Heist of the Century!"
>Eidolon charges and takes eggs as the group hears something coming from another portal connected to this massive cave, Eidolon more or less firing a signal flare that he's taking shit
>continued
>>43569895
>Barbarian decides this is a great idea, stealing dragon eggs
>right from under the nose of that giant gold lizard sticking its head through a portal
>Gold Wyrm shouts "Leave the eggs and I shall reward you!"
>Dragon had only been in contact with others of its kind and these robots, so he only spoke Draconic
>only player that spoke Draconic was the Wizard, who was from the original timeline where scholars preserved the spoken Draconic tongue
>surviving characters only hear T-rex noises and fire
>Barbarian snatches an egg, and runs like Hell
>Bank Robber decides to join in and takes his own egg
>players who stayed out of gate see three of their comrades running back with Halfling-sized eggs (sticking to themes of this thread)
>everyone hears dragon roaring
>Bank robber conjures a wall of stone on the gate
>players hear a thud and see flames wrap around the wall, then promptly run like the thieves they are
Now, at this point, the party has three dragon eggs. They begin bickering over how to split the money from the black market sale of these eggs. PvP almost occurs, until they hear an explosion.
>red wyrm from earlier bursts through mountainside
>alien starship (Elf Queen's more or less enslaved race of space pirates) flies by, previously watching party enter cave
>red wyrm decides that offends him, Bronzy joins him in his "chastising" the spaceship
>Bronze dragon was apparently the "special" child of the clutch, as it gets sucked into an engine's intake
>Red Wyrm begins wrestling the wounded ship to the ground
The party has, unwittingly, brought at least two dragons out of a pocket timeline and watched helplessly as it killed something they would later learn was virtually indestructible the last time anything attempted to harm it. Not quite apocalypse yet.
Remember that Gold Wyrm? He remembered he was magical, cast Tongues on himself, and went looking for the party. After all, maybe it was just a huge misunderstanding?
He wasn't entirely wrong. (Cont)
>>43570217
Maybe they didn't understand his cries of not taking the eggs? The Gold Dragon figured maybe ONE of these guys would be honorable and return things if asked. Well, he HOPED they would.
>dragon uses smell to chase down the party
>party had split into the haves and have-nots, the three with eggs and the two without
>Gold wyrm touches down in front of group without
>wyrm explains that he knows they had the eggs, and that if the group returns the eggs there will be no ill will toward them
>LE Summoner tries to kiss ass
>CN Bank Robber stutters and tries to think of some kind of compromise
>CE Barbarian happily points his thumb down the road
>"the other two have the eggs!"
The gold dragon blinks, smiles, then inhales long and hard through his nose, huffing a bit in their faces. The other group had waited thirty minutes before following, so they could avoid getting attacked by dragons. Something-something "the dragons will hunt a large group."
>gold wyrm flies to other group, hopeful that maybe the others will uphold some form of honor about this
>"The others may or may not have told me that you have the eggs. Without knowing whether or not I believe them, what would you have done?"
>Cleric ponders as Rogue gets upset
>"I'd have them get theirs!" the NE Rogue shouts, and the Cleric takes a step away
This Gold Dragon experienced not only one instance of fuckery, but three. First the thieves. Then the ones that wouldn't even own up to it when caught. Then the third offense was immediate back-stabbing of their compatriots. Gold Dragon goes over to his Red friend, talks about it, and they decide they're going to go on a crusade.
The mountain was named "Mount of Drakes," and needless to say nobody liked the PCs who very openly displayed the fact that they were selling dragon eggs IMMEDIATELY after a volcano of dragons manifested on the horizon.
>Currently playing a halfling craftsman since our party is combat monsters and don't even need another
>Ripped as fuck due to high strength score and has a physical beauty of 21 our of 24
>Spends so much time working on his projects he doesn't know how to flirt or even what flirting is
>Or why these shortstacks keep hitting on him
>Other races do remark on how rugged he looks for a halfling
>Approached by innkeeper's daughter who leans herself over the counter showing cleaves
>Asked if I needed anything
>"No, I'm fine. Thanks!"
>Daughter is taken aback, "Nothing? Nothing at all?"
>"Oh, no! This ale is fantastic! I might need something to eat later. Thanks again, though."
>Daughter walks away nearly tearing up
>Have a great stay at the Inn
Shortstacks are what get me hard as diamonds but this is too great to pass up.
>>43558718
>>43558729
>>43567015
>>43567253
>>43568134
This one?
>>43558103
Crits not equaling crazy shit storm make a game feel more real. Even if I crit on a perception check I (paladin) can't see my own fucking nose, because the ranger rolls in the upper 20s, which makes sense since that's his fucking job.
>Back when my GM was shit
>Friend says, "I douse myself in oil and light it on fire"
>nat 20
>lel, "you turn super saiyan"
>fight ends, what the fuck are you serious
>was trying to have fun...
>Fuck autosuccess.
>my first time playing a DnD campaign
>roll up a half-orc cleric with help from the DM
>Party consists of This Dude playing a Kobold Rogue trap-setter, two lookalike sisters playing a Shifter Fighter and an Elf Mage, and a fatchick playing a dragonborn paladin
>Premise is that we're all part of a military unit drafted because of the current war, and there's a big battle that's going to happen sometime soon
>We all wake up in our tents, DM asks for our first actions
>girl playing the Shifter immediately replies "I go out looking for someone to beat up"
>Seeing the warning signs, I immediately sigh and announce that I'm going with her, to make sure she doesn't put any of our soldiers out of commission
>a little bit later, we're at a sparring area set up inside an old cowpen
>Shifter Fighter and the unfortunate drafted soldier he's facing are armed with wooden swords to make sure they don't do much actual damage
>I'm worried about the guy, since his gear's not that great, he looks very nervous, and the Shifter is out for blood
>the match starts
>bad rolls translate into the Shifter not being able to keep his footing enough to land a blow, but...
>this guy.
>this. Fucking. Guy. The very definition of "cannon fodder"
>starts rolling crits left, right, and center
>Three combat rounds in, and he's got the Shifter down to half health. With a WOODEN FUCKING SWORD.
>Shifter finally gets fed up, grapples him, and throws him headfirst into the "mud" that covers the cowpen
>as he storms off in a huff, I go patch the npc up after his buddies have pulled him out and cleaned him up
>after all, I'd just seen firsthand that this greenhorn had potential
And thus Brant the Badass, as I called him, became my pet npc for the entirety of that campaign.
The game had more funny moments, but I'm not sure if simple hijinks are something the board is interested in.
>>43571134
post simple hijinks
>>43571134
I-I'm interested... Simple can be fun.
>>43571134
>Brant the Badass
>pet npc
TELL ME MORE
>>43571237
>>43571325
>>43571565
All right then. It wasn't a long campaign, actually ended before our first big boss battle due to real-life issues, but there were a few memorable moments in there.
>elf mage-girl is meeting with general-dude in charge, talking about some mage-y stuff or something
>guy comes in with reports for the general, he gets all serious
>the enemy army has been sighted nearby; the battle is likely to join by tomorrow at the latest
>He stands up and gives Elf-girl orders to find the Camp Bugler and have her sound Bugle Call Delta; ie the call to muster and prepare to march
>Session ends for the day soon after that
>two weeks later, we meet and Elf-girl goes off to find the Bugler
>after some asking around, discovers the bugler also works in the kitchens
>unfortunately the mess hall is crowded because it's breakfast time, so about half the camp is in there
>she tries to navigate through the crowd to get to the kitchens
>does good at first, makes some headway, but as she passes the area dirty dishes are placed...
>1
>She trips and lands headfirst inside a dirty pot
>stumbles around trying to get it off, fails the rolls
>she now has her head stuck in said pot
>we're all laughing as she has to try and navigate through the crowd blind and unbalanced, getting gravy/gruel all in her hair and on her pretty elf clothes
>finally gets to the kitchen, trips again, and bangs the pot against something hard and metallic
>Actually takes a few hits of damage from the clang reverberating inside her impromptu headwear
>one of the orcs working in the kitchen takes pity on her and yanks it off her head. without warning of course.
And thus the pretty elf mage who'd spent an hour or so on grooming herself wound up smelling of old slop and looking like a hobo before the morning was out.
More hijinks to come.
>>43564522
>the cult of Carlos.
>>43571745
>she spends a few minutes complaining about her head hurting and how her hair is filthy before remembering why she's here in the first place
>turns out, the orc who yanked the pot off her head is also the camp bugler
>DM asks her to relay the orders
Now, a quick note: this DM had warned us to be taking notes about important stuff. He'd even had a few practice quizzes on basic trivia about things relating to our characters and the setting during the first few sessions in order to drive the point home. We were all attending college at the time, which was why we'd been able to get together in the first place, so it's not like taking notes was a foreign concept; it was practically instinctive.
She must not have been taking notes.
>"You are to sound Bugle Call... um... Bugle Call Alpha."
>a few groans and facepalms go around the rest of the players, including me
>Bugler nods and grabs her bugle before leaving; soldiers automatically clear a path for the big, muscular orc
>Elf goes full "are you kidding me?," almost doesn't remember to follow in order to get out without forcing her way out the the crowd again
>"what, what's wrong guys? Was... that not the right bugle call?"
>Kobold-Bro and the Dragonborn are off scouting, interrogating captured scouts from the enemy army, and generally being plot-relevant
>Meanwhile, I'm babysitting the ogre-aggressive Shifter, who's even surlier than before because he, the guy built around hitting stuff, got his ass kicked by a grunt
>had arranged to have a training session with Brant that evening, since I'd reasoned keeping the Shifter under control took precedence
>also, the DM was sort of trying to dissuade me from going off with this random npc, but whatever
>Actually end up bonding with the Shifter a bit, pretty cool bro moment
>Suddenly, everyone hears a bugle call
>the notes are fast, urgent, and shrill
>I roll for knowledge of what the bugle call signals, succeed
>It's the call to signal an Imminent Dragon Attack
>>43559551
Had a similar thing with a paladin player
Except he was a little more logical.
>World sorta ending, at least locally
>because a wizard fucked up
>He fucked up bad, man
>We're fleeing the plane through a portal the size of a city block
>that's still fairly big, but not big enough for everyone
>City evacuates inner ring first, doesn't lock out the other sections, but is intent on closing portal
>Paladin will not stand for this
"We will hold the gates. There are innocent people that must still be saved."
>Guard are too busy tossing babies to mothers to get them through portal, ain't got time for righteousness
"I said we must save those we can!"
>Guards are still dealing with people, monsters from hellish dimension slowly closing in
"Look, we're doing what we can, but we have to make a sacrifice. We must make the most good out of a bad situation."
>Paladin lifts the guard a full foot off the ground
"You cannot decide who lives and who dies and pretend you're making the most good. The most god is trying to save everyone, no matter the cost, and you only stop because something forces you to lay down and die for the greater good, not arbitrarily decide when enough is enough. You will keep this portal open."
>Paladin drops guard and marches forward
>My barbarian decides fuck it, now's as good a time as any to die.
>Paladin and Barbarian stand at the outer gates as people run past
>Sure enough, the portal is open, they're making it inside
>We hold the line for as long as we can, but he runs out of lay on hands, I'm out of rage and potions
>He's still fighting, even when I get critical'd the fuck down
>He's still fighting when they tear off his arm
"As long as I can fight, I can hold this line, and as long as I can hold this line, the people can be saved."
>Well now I feel like shit for thinking about leaving
"To abandon one is to fail them all. Never compromise, never let evil make you less than you can be."
Portal closed.
Didn't save everyone.
But he tried.
>>43572394
I like that guy, sticks to his convictions. Sounds fun to play with.
>>43559978
>>43560056
Hot. What is it with female players and monsters, anyway? I've had a girl fuck a shadow demon before, but that was a one-off thing.
>>43572394
Might not have saved everyone, but more people must have gotten through than if he hadn't held the line. That means in the end, he saved lives.
He'd probably be happy about that.
5e
>have homebrew plot-centric macguffin that produced a random d20s worth of magical effects when touched
>gnome wizard PC picks it up and rolls on the chart. Rolls for indefinite madness
>roll d100 on the indefinite madness chart
>no shit, it comes up with "I keep what I find"
>gnome will no longer part with important plot-centric macguffin
>he portals it to a pocket dimension, clever fucker
>party goes back to deliver it to the dwarf that asked them to recover it
>they all look at the gnome
>shrugs
>dwarf orders the guards to arrest them for breaking a contract
>warlock decides it's a good idea to cast burning hands while inside a primarily wooden inn
>shits on fire, yo
>dwarf NPC is badly burned and ko'd
>party takes shitloads of fire damage while fighting the guards
>surrender
>they all flee the inn
>arrested for breaking a legally binding contract, arson and assault on an officerUnfortunately the group fell apart and we never played another session after that.
>>43572272
>itbegins.jpg
>I bellow "DRAGOOOOON!!!" at the top of my lungs
>entire camp explodes into chaos
>DM had given me a minor officer position, so I'm shouting orders making sure everyone's headed to the armory to stock up, then into the trenches in the woods
>I head into the tent myself to see if I can stock up, get a crossbow and a couple dozen bolts for it
>DM remarks that I see Brant there too, getting issued a polearm that's seen better days
>aw HEEEELLL naw
>I walk over and throw the polearm back where he got it
>"You've got talent, but you need a REAL weapon, kid."
>go back with him to the part of the armory with officer's weaponry, with shiny well-kept weapons of all types
>Quartermaster comes back all pissy, "these are for officers only, you'll have to settle for-"
>BITCH I AM AN OFFICER
>"...you're not high-ranking enough to-"
>I AM HIGH-RANKING ENOUGH TO KICK YOUR ASS
>in other words, I used Intimidate to make him let me loot the officer's weapons
>grab the shiniest, nicest, most badass longsword I can find there
>DM is rustling papers, looking through his notes to tell me that it's a-
>Is it a sword that can be used to fight with?
>Oh, is it ever! It's actually a-
>"Here, kid. Try swinging some real steel."
>Brant's hands are shaking
>He's got this look on his face like a homeless orphan who's just been plopped down in a candy store and told "See this? All of this is yours now."
>The girls are all staring at me like I've gone insane, This Guy is just giving me this proud grin
>grab him one of the good spears as well on our way out, because, well, it's a dragon
Come to think of it, it's not so much a couple of separate hijinks as much as one big hijink.
>Drunk running pathfinder.
>Party in some deep shit, fleet of not the mafia shark pirates and giant sized ifrit ronin chasing down their boat.
>Drug dealer orc witch: I have a cunning plan...
>Orc fighter super excited until she realizes she can't swim.
>Hindi druid casts water walk on her.
>Witch gives fighter totally not fantasy cocaine, like a brick.
>Fighter can't make decisions, spends too much time debating.
>Gunslinger NPC shoots brick.
>Druid casts enlarge person fast as he can.
So that's why there was a giant coked out rage orc sinking an entire fleet with a rock. Then she looks back at the party.
>Witch: problem. We aren't sailing fast enough away.
>>43572737
>>43572272
>>43571745
>>43571134
There's more, but it's late and I've got work in the morning, so I'm going to have to go now. If this thread's still up and there's still interest when I get back, I'll continue with the tales of our shenanigans.
>>43573119
Interested
>playing a dungeon crawl board game
>I'm the DM against 2 players
>first room they clear pretty easy
>muck around after clearing room
>they take too long to open next door, so I am required to roll for a trap in the next room
>players are saying, "shit, we need to do this better."
>they get into second room
>halfway through clearing it they open the next door to room 3
>roll the next room on the table
>roll high
>players now have to deal with what is essentially 2 medium-packed rooms of monsters
>players go "oh shit", but in a good way
>they get down to last monster
>players are almost dead
>monster rolls high enough to kill first player, second player probably won't survive next round
>Me:"It sucks to lose this early in the game. Try to roll high to not die."
>Player rolls max on the die
>both players are yelling and whooping it up.
It was a fun game. They got to the dungeon boss, which I pretty much absolutely obliterated them with. It was a pretty imbalanced encounter, but that's probably because the game was made by one guy; he hasn't tried to fix anything in a long time. It didn't help that they kept stacking the odds against themselves by returning to town either.
May as well bump with a recent game I had
>party member makes a survival check to scout ahead the surrounding area
>naturally he gets a natural 20
>on his find he finds a bag of what can only be described as "15 magic beans"
>he can either throw them to deal massive damage or plant them for an unknown effect
>we immediately plant one, DM rolls percentile
>ground starts vibrating horribly
>ohshit.avi
>party backs up as the ground erupts with brown liquid
>one curious PC tastes the liquid as it showers us
>it's fucking vinegar
>there is now a permanent geyser of brown vinigar in our world
>playing D&D
>high level shadowblade
>party is fighting a lich unsuccessfully
>ghost through a wall into his inner chamber
>destroy his phylactery
>the only thing I did during the entire fight
>rub it in the other characters faces
>>43573347
See, that's how Nat 20s should handled.
Start planting this shit everywhere. This sounds great.
>>43558496
Once, in a game of StarCraft, I attacked my opponent with four real Carriers and four dozen illusory ones. Thinking they were all real, he surrendered the game.
I didn't sit down and think about it afterwards, though.
>>43570462
Dude, I really really tried to understand this, but it's just flat out impossible.
>>43573119
Anon
You have to tell us how it ended.
Did they beat the dragon?
Did the elf ever admit her mistake?
>>43566167
That Guy-ism is pretty progressive, not having a gender gap and all.
>>43573308
>I'm the DM against 2 players
>against 2 players
>against
You're a shit.
>>43571807
>Cowlos
>>43573347
>>there is now a permanent geyser of brown vinegar in our world
You fools have no idea the treasure you discovered!
>>43557596
>playing homebrew 40k
>my character is catfolk (mutant) space marine
>meet a highlord of terra
>try to convince him to let me join them
>natfucking20
>he declares that im the emperor reborn'd
>mfw i have my very own imperium of mankind
xD
>>43574025
>>playing a dungeon crawl board game
>board game
The object is to win.
>>43574214
And there's the plot for Age of Emprah.
>>43558757
Thank you, anon.
>Autism
>Not even once
Also, to anyone who wants to rage against this post just remember this. If you ever have to ask, "Why is my post autism because I pointed out _____?" it is probably a bad post. It would be to your credit to retrain yourself.
>>43558944
Honestly, Kingdom Death actually has the same mechanic, and I like it. It has to run both ways. This way no matter the odds on either side one always has a chance.
>>43574420
Everyone figured out by now that autist over here means "person that doesn't like what I don't like" and autism means "thing I don't like."
This post is autism, because you are a stuck up unimaginative idiot who's trying to get one circle jerk of tired fake stories that are only possible because of some number on the die.
>>43559431
You should be.poop in his house and never flush
>>43559763
roll20.net, dude I hope I am not too late.
>>43574433
Did you even read what you just wrote?
>>43566670
>"If I can't save them all, I'll kill the rest myself."
Doesn't sound so glorious now, does it?
>>43563807
After having read this, I actually totally agree with the paladin. Maybe smiting the council would have been "smarter", but where's the fun in that?
>>43564247
I mean...it's still a giant sword piercing you..
>>43559551
I would love to play in a campaign that ends like this. I have a fighter goliath who revels in combat and loves to have the odds stacked against him. He would literally solo the front line and fight off everything while the rest of the city escaped. Tbh just this last session I played him in he was engulfed by 2 rat swarms and flanked by 2 rogues and took no damage at all. The session was quite fun. Also got the last hit on the BBEG of that session with a crit.
>>43574193
We already have plans to sell canisters of it in markets where vinegar is expensive. Without flooding the market, obviously
>>43558055
> allowing criticals in skill rolls
No anon, you are that gm
>>43574880
I love risk vs reward shit too anon.
>created a bit of an engineer in a FantasyCraft game
>high agi for reasons
>turns out agi is crazy good for combat
>one of the first few sessions I end up cornered by raptors
>just a whirlwind of death, dodging and dicing
>from then on loaded myself up with weapons >many armed so can hold 6 arms worth at once
>finesse adds my agi to damage
>some other combat trick uses my agi for to hit rolls
>just run into combat, blackpowder weapons blazing, and start weaving through with sharp blades twirling
If anything touches me though I get fucked up quiick smart, but damn it feels good when everything just misses.
Gilroy Lionheart is my new spiritual liege.
>5E D&D
>new character, greedy cleric of the Light deity with a crappy Southie accent
>treats my Halfling like a confused child
>talks smack to the rest of the party
>friends with the sorc, they're from the same country
>explores a sunken ship with the party
>Let's split up gang!
>cleric finds some mystery boxes, pops them into his sack and goes
>druid metagames and asks him if he found anything
>"Nah"
>druid rolls perception to peep in his bag (really dude?)
>"What have you got in your pack?"
>"Nothin'"
>druid becomes belligerent, demands to see it
>"Nah"
>later druid is in jail for trying to burn down the cleric's house because "He's got something in there!"
another time...
>town sheriff suspicious of the group because they might be working with rebels
>cleric sure is
>invites him to dinner after we maybe, sorta, kinda, accidentally awoke an ancient nature dragon
>Gilroy, don't go telling him about what we've been up to
>"Don't worry, I'm gonna eat his food and tell him to go fuck himself."
>sheriff presses about this dragon business
>"Wait, there's a dragon on the loose?"
>19 on the die to bluff
>sheriff rolls under 10
>he's still pretty suspicious but can't make heads or tails of this guy, decides to let him go
>"Hey, what about dessert?"
>sheriff groans and drops a coin on the table, "Get what you want"
>about to leave
>"Hey."
>turns back
>cleric raises his glass to him
>"Go fuck yaself."
Our DM told the cleric that this guy hates him so much now he should watch out for hired assassins. His response?
>"Whateva"
