The universe doesn't reward based off of intention. Intention is in your heart so if you're genuine or not people cannot see that and assume the worst.
The people with poor intentions are getting a free ride off of your good intentions

>>27303865
Man, that puts a lot of shit into perspective. Thanks for saying this; for once this place doesn't make we wanna laughbarf.

>>27303888
Just curious. Does your school have any after school clubs?
That's how I got genuine friends. Not ones using me for school or something. People who enjoyed similar things and I could have a good time with

Guess thats just the way it works. Try going to church or something. God is said to love every human beings regardless of who they are. We humans are just too weak to handle even our very own problems. Whether you believe or not, religion can give you the missing piece in life. Its also a great place to meet new people too

>>27303935
I have to go to school online right now. Part of the problem is, is when I make a plan for 'today is the day my life changes' usually money is the issue. I do have a workout buddy, but she's got like children and shit and ya know I'm honest to her but I don't let alllllll the crazies out.

Background : I moved away from home about a year ago for the first time ever. I'm half miserable and half glad I left. Really shows me how easily people filter you out of their lives. A lot of which is fine - it's just part of growing apart.

Ugh I'm not trying to bore everyone with my fucking sappy ass backstory, but take my word for it when I say - it hasn't been a smooth transition.

i have 4 big dreams (As follows)
1. Record an album. I dont think I'm gunna be famous, I am just a moody fuck and it's socially acceptable to talk about feelings publicly in a song form

2. Live in a small beautiful house someday with a big garden, living every day purposefully. ya know, like enjoying a cup of tea instead of fucking thinking about how your life is gonna suck when the tea is done.

3. Open a museum. This is the craziest and you heard it here first. I want to open up a museum of heart ache. People in relationships, well - they give each other shit. REally important powerful menaingful shit. But when the relationship goes south, whaddyuh do with that beautiful card? that necklace? that ring which meant you were gonna be loved for the est of your life? It seems a fucking shame that shit like that gets put into a box to be cried over once a decade. It should be in a museum, like a love purgatory. Thata way, if youre going through a breakup, you can browse all the momentos of people who lost love too.

2.

>>27304004
I appreciate your response. I felt this way in HS, and tried to be into God. It didn't work for me. I couldn't stop thinking I was talking to air and that I was wasting my time. I wish I could believe in god, it would make shit make sense.

Also, props for mentioning the church here. It's the first time in years I've ever seen someone causally mentioned 'try god, it might work' without being torn to shreds.

>>27303847
I'm going to be 30, I feel the same. I've let the crazy hang out a lot these days and flat out telling people you can't go x place for depression and anxiety reasons just makes sure that the people who are only into you for what you bring them disappear like snow in the sun. A few stuck around, maybe 2 or so and a 3rd one that I don't really like but he's still asking how I'm doing regularly, so my opinion was wrong I guess. That's for the friends part.

Another point is, you're following the script of what makes you a good person, according to this society and it's not inherently rewarding. Religion seems like it can make what you do rewarding so yeah, look into it. Or else figure out what is actually rewarding to you and see if you can maximize that.

>>27304092
It was when you're in HS. Maybe you could feel different now that you're all grown up and in need of feeling loved? If churches are really not your thing, I'd recommend going into Buddhism or other oriental beliefs, not as a religion per se, but as a practice of caring your mentality. Finding the meaning of life can really change how you view the world.

>>27304166
Yeah! no doubt. The thing is, I really don't need a lot of emotional matience. Just, everyonce in a while. But having to gague when its okay to let it out and when you have to reel it in, well, its even more depressing. It reminds you that you can't be yourself if you want acceptance, it reminds you that people who don't have these feelings win. For me, I feel all fucking bottled up. All I want is a phone call, a hearty laugh, some honesty, and some fucking genuineass fun with someone whose company i enjoy. I went out with one girl, a Mormon, who I nothing in common with. She talked about herself in a noncharming way, one sided convo. Didn't own anything she did, and it drove me nuts. You like shiity alcohol? Own that shit. who cares?

I'm off track here... It does get better buddy. I never, every stop trying even when I cry myself to sleep and think the worst thoughts. I've had a million 'todays the day'

>>27303847
shut the fuck up. deeds, not words. if you're so cool and unassuming people should like you right? wrong. you're doing something wrong. and you DO sound entitled. the mere fact that you still posted here means that you havent matured enough to do things which self-validate. you don't have good relationships because you can't form them without being a needy "cockfuck."

>>27304191
You know whats funny about that? I actually did ty that a bit. Knowing that I can't believe in praying, I went to a few pagan things around this new town. They were pretty interesting, I dig paganism. You can be as cool or fucking nuts as you want to be - it's part of what the religion stands for.

I might be a hair too realistic to be fully relgious, but I aprticipate in the activities. I did a Ludi Apolonaires festival last year. I got to wear a toga and sing and play guitar in public. It was very in the moment and I didn't feel the weight of crap on my shoulders for like... 24 hours. It was awesome

>>27304264
I get what youre saying. That has been my focus! Self validate! But it's been real hard to. I agree my final output hasn't been a whole lot of success. I have a whole lot of interviews, no job offers. Slowly getting fit. writing some songs, but no albums or any shit like that.

I don't think people should like me for being cool and unassuming. One, I am very uncool, in a very not 'its actually cool' way. I say things weird, I am too brain to mouth (with no filter)... its aggresive and offputting. and unassuming? I assume a lot but give a lot of leway- its what I would want from someone, the benefit of the doubt.

I'm trying to gain traction, but I feel like I'm stuck in snow. Its frustrating.

I dont expect every new friend to bend over and lick my toes- I dont expect any one to do that. I just have a few long-tem relationships that are blowing my mind how poorly they're going.

>>27304264

Further, I want to really find people, connect for whatever reason. Some people you have deep talks with, some people you get shitty with and stay up way too late... Maybe part of the problem I'm having is that I thought having these long term friends from home would still be with me when I moved. I don't have to reexplain eveything to them, they've been there. but goddamn, the two I'm thinking of? I dont need them to hold me hand, or figure things out for me. I've only talked to my bff once since I've been out here. One time. I am having a rough time and asked her if we could chate. She blew me off 5 times, and I told her that it sucks and kinda hurts my feeling and shes ignored me for 20 days now. Its making me crazy. Iwould never, ever treat them this way.

Solution - shes shitty move on.

Solution - make new friends. and were back and square one.

>>27304323
I don't know what you want us to tell you. My personal advice for you is go do an eighth of mushrooms in the woods somewhere and take a good long look at yourself. You're obviously unconscious of a deep-seated problem and need to introspect.

>>27304372
I dont know either. I just wanted to be honest somewhere, publicly, for once.

I think you might be right about mushies and a hammock

>>27304237
>having to gague when its okay to let it out and when you have to reel it in, well, its even more depressing
Aside from work, when I am supposed to remain professional, I'm letting it hang out.

I realised that I am not a happy normie, and I never will be, I'm someone who due to fuck ups in my childhood is sort of wired to be sad and I realised that's okay. If I try to get acceptance by being anything else than myself it won't feel like acceptance. However that was how I operated before, I'd always be what people wanted me to be (or what I thought people wanted me to be) to make sure that they'd like me. The thing is, when they didl ike me it elt phony and fake and the older I got the harder it was to keep up appearances. I also felt so bottled up all the time. So now I did a 360 and fuck it, I'm not a happy person, I'm the kind of guy that will ruin the normie party and guess what, that's fine too. There is no "today is the day" where my life turns around. There is the "well this is me I guess" and "youknowwhatfuckitfuckyoufuckthem".

To be fully honest, I also did some therapy to come to terms with this. I'm not going to be a chad, a guy happily plowing forward through his career, being a good person and fucking bitches left and right and I needed some help coming to terms with that. I got dealt a stack of cards that is going to make life harder for me to deal with, it's not my fault, but if I keep shooting myself in the foot by being something I'm not, I'll just make it so much harder.

I tried mushrooms. It was a positive experience. It didn't really change anything for me though

>>27304368
The back to square one thing hurts hard but at this point you're being hung up on the fact she isn't the friend you would like her to be. What is hurting is the fact that reality is different from what you'd like it to be. Take a long hard look at the reality of things and realize that your bff isn't that, she's some girl that won't make time for you.

And yeah, the back to square one thing can suck, on the other hand, if you decide to turn your life around, it's also nice to start over anew with people.

>>27304393
For what it's worth, its really refreshing to hear this. that's the courage I'm talking about. thank you for sharing!

>>27304421
Reality bites. Thank you for saying that, you're right. needed to hear this

>>27304397
legend has it that youre never the same afterwards... thoughts?

>>27304480
I wouldn't say so for myself. I didn't take much. My "friend" said it was the minimum amount for a trip.

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