This thread’s purpose is to encourage writefags all over /mlp/ to write. We’re laid back here. Post what you want as long as it’s pone related. We’re not all “STOREEEYS ONLY!” We discuss topics such as writing techniques, interesting tropes, and bring forth story ideas. Let’s have fun.
Let’s get hypothetical.
You’re a writer who’s been going at it for a bit now. You really enjoy what you do and put your blood, sweat, and tears into each story. One day, you decide to post it in a random thread to get some feedback.
Just one problem: no takers.
You wonder if you should even bother writing; you decide to quit and move on to something else.
If that story applies to you, then hold your horses. If all you wanted was feedback, to improve your writing skills a bit, or maybe just see how others do it, then you’ve come to the right place. There are a few rules, however:
>Posting the story directly in the thread is preferred over a link to Pastebin, FiMFiction, etc.
>One story at a time.
>Don’t be a dick or asshole when reading or critiquing.
>All stories posted within the thread must be pre-written.
>>25927059
Tips and links:
Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f
http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.
Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/
A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy
>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.
*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.
Work untouched by critique so far:
>>25876263
>>25889612
If the thread 404's, there's desustorage.org for that.
and now we bump for two days
I just wanna say that I took your guy's advice, and I edited whatever I had written in my story, and now I think I'm ready to start posting it! Thank you.
>>25927320
Greentext or Prose?
>>25927391
whats the difference?
oh no I'm a new(ish)fag
>>25927391
prose, I think.
whoa, page 7 already?
>>25927320
What was it about anyway?
>>25927946
I can post what I've got so far
>>25928348
If it's not AiE, I'd give it a look.
>>25928491
just over 200 lines so far.
lemme know what you think. http://pastebin.com/PfWuGzGm
>>25927113
I'm working on that top link right now, and am dropping a critique for it tomorrow. The second one is a re-do of a story I critiqued once, and I want to jump to it right after.
>>25928907
Pace yourself, mate.
>>25929255
I take care to. Don't worry, I had about a week of very little thread activity, so I'm well and ready to blast a couple critiques out.
>>25929450
>littleguy_blasting_critiques.webm
Here's to a great new year
>>25931212
Cheers!
>>25927059
Thanks for making the thread, Anon
Last bump of the night. Going to sleep.
ANON TAKE THE WHEEL
It's the 31'st in my country. Exciting.
>>25927432
Green text is the style that a lot of 4chan has started to use for their various stories. Most people consider the style to be a non serious, or quick summarization, style of writing that's seen a lot around the various boards. However, some writers take the style and use it for not just serious stories, but even some of their long term stories. The defining quality is the use of a greater than sign ">". This is what makes the text green.
>"Anon, what are you doing?"
>Pinkie tilts her head to the side as she questions you.
"Oh nothing, just demonstrating green text to an Anon."
>"Green...text?"
>You chuckle at the quizzical look on her face
The other defining quality of green text is that it is mostly written in second person.
Prose is the style of writing you see in most books. Think Harry Potter, Eragon, The Mortal Instruments. That's prose.
>>25928907
http://pastebin.com/kCXU8HCd
So you're doing both of them, this one included? Aight then Roxi, Skype if you need help.Knowing you, the offer is more formality than anything.
Hello, there!
I came to bump.
>>25928714
still no critique
>>25928714
>>25935141
>Lines 7 and 8
I find these lines incredibly clunky. It's the first day, and yet he's trying to find a reason to go to school? From my understanding, that's a pretty good reason on it's own. Usually, lazy people try to find an excuse to stay in, not find a reason to get out on big occasions like that. Is the fact that it's the first day not important to Anon? This leads me to ask why is Anon excited? And why is it a surprise? Emotions are usually in response to something, not something that appears from the ether, so tell me why he's excited.
I'll be back to write more, but I've got something to do, and I'll just use this as a bump.
I'm in the middle of writing my first green. I just posted it a couple days ago on the moon day thread, but the thread died before I could get much feedback. The story isn't done yet, but I ended it at a good stopping point. Any feedback would be much appreciated.
>>25903464
http://pastebin.com/DAuKjdyp
page 10 bump
>>25933847
That's right. The one you linked is a rewrite of a story I critiqued in the past, and I want to see it firsthand.
Incidentally, for the writer of "City and Coloratura," I'm working on your critique right now, and will be posting it later tonight.
>>25939203
Looking forward to it.Also getting that slight nervous "I need to puke" feeling
>>25939203
Oh boy, am I excited.
Do any of you listen to music when you write?
>>25940537
Trance music.
See "Dwarf Fortress theme"
>>25939540
What a hell of an improvement from hobo Twilight. What stood out to me most in this is that Anon doesn’t actually have much to set him apart from other Anons, but I still cared about his story. You took your time in developing him and showing me the different facets of his character, so I was never inundated with unsubstantiated character traits. Very good job on that. I also liked Applejack, though she didn’t have too large a part. She was a nice balance between playful and serious, and her interactions with Anon felt natural. It felt like they had known each other for a while.
However, I find your premise to be strange. Why would Applejack think that sending Anon to Manehattan to manage Coloratura would be a good idea? Working for her, I can see, but managing her? There’s having confidence in someone and there refusing to see when they’re not qualified for a job, and I’d definitely say Applejack’s been blinkered by the latter. Why? It’s nice that Coloratura and Anon are both aware that it was a terrible idea, but that doesn’t make up for its implementation. So, you’ll definitely want to address that, whether later or earlier it doesn’t matter. If you want to create an explanation for a later part, though, you’ll want to make sure that the characters remain aware that they’re in a dumb situation, so that readers know that they’re reading a poor character decision, and not a poor author decision. You’ve got it so far, but you’d need to keep it up. 1/?
>>25940866
Line 756 is where I first caught a whiff of real trouble, and it resonated through the rest of Anon’s time in Manehattan. Let me start in saying that, given how nervous Anon was about meeting Coloratura, his sudden playful flirting when they were walking to the restaurant seemed wildly inappropriate. From a more meta standpoint, it portends yet another instance of Anon wooing the unlikely character he winds up being forced to spend time with, and your approach to that decision is much too swift. In that line alone, I’m seeing the classic allusion to a “love at first sight” kind of situation, toned down for obvious reasons, but still very much extant and very much at the forefront of what will be informing my judgments of Anon’s interaction with his new charge. This feeds into a more problematic line, line 855. Something about her was different.
What a poisonous sentence that is, not even for your story, but just in general. First of all, directly saying that there’s something different about a character like that plops a big, fat target on them, inviting all kinds of scrutiny that wouldn’t ordinarily be there, but it also is basically shorthand for “romance incoming.” Take out the flirting, take out the little winks she gives Anon, and leave that sentence in, and it’s still going to look like you’re planning on developing a relationship between the two of them, and that removes the sense of mystery from the story. Why should a reader care about the tribulations of Anon's relationship with this pony if they know where it's going to end up anyway? 2/?
>>25940914
More tacitly, the line is setting Coloratura apart from the other characters on merits that you haven’t fully shown me yet. What I know about her for certain is that she’s nice (or at least nice at first), she doesn’t know much about how her own business is run, and she can be a bit of a coquette. That is hardly enough for a line like that, so boldly declaring her uniqueness, to stand, especially when the only other two characters she’s being compared to are Anon and Applejack. That tiny sample size doesn’t even make it worth it to claim how different she is.
I would caution against shipping Anon and Coloratura at this stage because it is simply much too early. They don’t know each other, and Anon doesn’t even think he’s going to be in Manehattan for very long. He might have an eye for her, but it should be only that: a momentary fancy. The bit where you describe his daydream of dating her and getting her in bed, that should be as far as the romance goes with them so early on. Otherwise, you’ll wind up making Anon look like a fool, and Coloratura a one-dimensional prop to satisfy his needs. If you want to ship them, you’ll want to build their relationship up first. Start with it being mostly or purely professional, and then use the result of his attempt at getting her a contract to bring them close in a different way. Off the top of my head, they can go out on a celebratory dinner date when it goes well, or she can be his soft place to fall if he screws it up. 3/?
>>25940946
Getting away from Manehattan, I think that lines 581-614 don’t fit. I’ve only seen Anon be friendly to strangers when his job requested it, and I found his unsolicited approach of the stallion to be abrupt and not particularly useful for the story. My best guess is that you’re using this scene to reinforce the sense of fear that should be underlying what very well could be a bad decision, but I don’t think you need the extra stuff in order to do that. His reflection part, on lines 558-566, did a pretty good job of setting that tone. You can afford to extend it out a little, maybe invent some more memories to make his leaving Ponyville more poignant as well as show us more of his backstory, but it’s still okay as you have it. One suggestion I have is that you vary the memories he has more, and don’t use two of the same ones on both sides of the “Oh man” line. It makes his past seem shallower than it is. His memory piece is, essentially, a sentimental recapitulation on his time in Ponyville, and if there are only four distinct memories to it, then it suddenly doesn’t look like he’s done much. To be fair, he really hasn’t, but the way you write it out, with all the detail you give it, makes it seem long and engaging, and that’s the important thing. Earlier, I said that Anon was a pretty common type, but you brought him to life well because of the time you took in describing his life. Don’t undo that feeling of completeness with a sparse reflection. 4/?
>>25940973
That about covers the big issues. Despite the story’s length, it was still just a beginning, so there’s not much for me to cover in terms of character development or pacing. I do have a few details that I noticed.
I think lines 32-35 are just a touch too much. The bartender’s mild derision comes through clearly enough without those lines. On line 505, I don’t really care for how his impetus to change his life is the fact that he can’t say no to Apple Bloom and her dopey friends. It’s not a problem with the story, exactly, but it didn’t sit well with me. I’m tempted to say that I don’t buy that he’d be that spineless, but you have him being like that elsewhere, so that’s not it. I really don’t know what bothered me about it, but you may as well be aware. When he’s in Manehattan, I think you’re turning his stomach growing into too much of a thing. You bring it up abnormally frequently, and it really stuck out to me. Lastly, line 1049 jumped out at me as singularly weird. With every bite, you stuff your mouth full of food. I mean, yeah.
I wish that this had gone on longer, because I wanted to see how you would develop Coloratura. She seems okay for now, but she hardly has anything going for her where you left off. In response to your concern about this plodding on for too long, I would say that you have nothing to worry about in that regard. I thought that the speed was just right for what you were doing. I was never bored, nor was I ever hastening to catch up. I will say that, while that pace is good for beginning a story, it can be dangerous to try to maintain that languor once the plot really starts kicking in, ‘cause it can very easily translate into you focusing on needless minutiae. You definitely need to exercise caution with how you treat Anon and Coloratura together, but that was my biggest problem. I’d very much like to see this again, when it’s complete. 5/5
"Beyond a Cloud (1 of 3)" is on deck, if the writer is still around. My weekend is starting early, so I'm not sure when I'll be able to deliver, but I'll try to have an answer tomorrow or Friday. More likely Friday.
>>25941131
No problems, mate. No rush.
So who here's still at Dec 30?
>>25941009
Damn. I kind of expected for you to rip it to shreds. I guess I'm actually getting better at this whole writing business.
As for Coloratura's character, I'll be honest: I'm at a fucking loss on what to do with her. The show hasn't given us much to go off of. I'm trying to look at her character and find logical extensions of what we've seen, and try to come up with traits that don't conflict with her character. The only thing I've been able to come up with, which I've yet to actually hint at, is that she has a longing for her "Countess" days when her music was better received, and she didn't have to put her real self out in the open. She's still insecure about her real image she's putting forth. And now that I'm thinking this through, I feel like I'm scratching at the surface of something bigger here.
>>25941009
>I don’t really care for how his impetus to change his life is the fact that he can’t say no to Apple Bloom and her dopey friends
Forgot to respond to this, but it's funny that you mention that, because I thought about not doing it. The original intention was that Anon was really adverse to leaving his comfortable life, but is forced out by the CMC; however, when I started writing, I let Anon really toss the idea around in in his head, and it naturally led to him coming to the conclusion on his own terms. When I realized that was what I was doing, I considered following through and letting him make the decision on his own, but since I stated that Anon can't say no to the CMC really early in the story, I felt the need to back it up and not make it some worthless tidbit about Anon. I had to have him just go before I let him go on much further. Do you think that may be why it didn't set well? Anon was coming around to the idea on his own, only to have it all undermined by him being made to go out of guilt anyways.
Also, I forgot to say thanks for the words. It's good to get a fresh set of eyes to point out all the things that don't work, but it's also nice to hear that someone like you is enjoying it. It's encouraging to say the least.
bumos
Whoa, new years bump.
bumporooni
'Cause uptown bump gon' give it to you
>>25945129
Keep it bumped, going to sleep.
New year is going to keep the board busy
or not
>>25945156
New year in 8 minutes.
>>25946748
HAPPY NEW YEAR
MOTHER FUCKERS
>10
my everything hurts from last night oh my god
9
b
u
10
>>25947668
HAPPY NEW YEAR
>>25953083
EXACTLY
AND A HAPPY NEW BUMP
>>25954801
Oh yeah, 2016...
Did everyone have a good New Years?
>>25941745
Extrapolating character traits from extant qualities is the way to go about that, so you're on the right track. Making her yearn for her old self is a fine route to take, but you'll need to make sure that you also take care to derive, from that, further character traits. One step is not enough for a full character.
>>25942148
I think it would have been better to have him come to that conclusion naturally. If you want to get the CMC involved, you can have them keep pestering Anon about it, and have that be an ancillary reason for him to go.
You're welcome, of course. Keep at it, and, as I said, I'd like to see this again, when it's complete.
>>25955481
I rung in the new year crouching in a driveway, with no pants or underwear, puking my guts out. Fitting.
I can attest to little guy's account of New Year's Eve. Xe does have a cute little white ass, though.
>>25955481
Yup. Could be far worse.
>>25956175
>I rung in the new year crouching in a driveway, with no pants or underwear, puking my guts out. Fitting.
And that's why I don't drink at all.
bumos
>>25956175
it's a little guy tradition
>>25956175
I'll keep that stuff in mind looking forward in the story. I'm an incredibly slow writer, so I don't know if I'll have the drive to redo bits of what I've already written. I'll see how I feel when I'm finished.
Any stories need critique? I'm looking for something to do.
>>25959263
Yes please.
>>25936875
>>25941182
The story is pretty long, and I work full-time. I will have a critique for you this coming Friday.
>>25958149
I wasn't expecting it, but, in retrospect, it's exactly what I wanted.
>>25958949
Gotcha. You're welcome here any time.
>>25960522
It's Saturday here. When's Friday at your end?
>>25960586
Oh, okay. I'm still in Friday, so it'll be a week. Friday for me, Saturday for you.
>>25960643
Ah, got it.
How a bump works in a general
>>25961332
Most of the time. Not too much in this one.
bump12453
Bomf
>European bump at >10
Really, guys, really?
>>25966037
General is really slow while waiting for new stories to come by. Thread has been kind of fast as well.
I do have a question on my mind though; what makes a character a Mary Sue? People have been calling Twily a Mary Sue for ages now, but I've never understood how she falls under that description.
>>25966585
The best way to describe a Mary Sue would be Ray from the new Star Wars movie.
For a simplified explanation, here's what a Mary Sue/Garry Sue is by original definition:
-A self insert character or a wish fullfilment character aimed to be the center of attention while given unbelievable skills and/or inserted in a story purely for the writer to have a relationship with his self insert and a character.
In shorter terms, "congratulations, you saved the universe singlehandedly, earned Jesus' respect and have now become the chosen king of the universe. While you're at it, have the matrix of leadership while you choose your spouse"
In fictional entertainment terms, he's the harem guy, the MC who charms everyone around him except like two rivals who is secretly charmed by the MC, he's Anon in most really bad romantic clop fics, he's that side character who helps out the main characters and the fan-favorite side characters with EVERYTHING, a strong independent character where he or she knows EVERYTHING.
In Twilight Sparkle's terms,
-Character chosen by Celestia personally as a filly
-Usually the hero of nearly every MLP season special episodes
-Given a princess status
-Given more importance compared to her side character friends by the writers or in their defense, the Hasbro higher-ups
The Mary Sue thing is a complicated topic to delve into. Basically every piece of fiction contains a Mary Sue, which causes Mary Sue paranoia where writers avoid writing Mary Sues without making the character completely incompetent or uninteresting. This is why /co/ makes fun of Batman as more of a Mary Sue than Superman due to his unbeatable prep time. This is why Starlight Glimmer is called a Mary Sue due to her unexplained abilities that goes beyond Starswirl and Twilight's. This is why people write deconstructions of Mary Sues like One-Punch-Man or for characters like Transformers Thunderclash.
Mary Sues exists everywhere. It all depends on how obvious you make it.
>>25966747
ehhhhh
>>25966747
So how does Twilight fall under this category? She gets special attention because she's the actual main character. All the things she accomplished is after character progression. Even still, she has a multitude of evident flaws, such as being jealous towards Discord when he had a good time with her friends. Basically the new question is, can a character become a Mary Sue?
bumos
>>25966585
>what makes a character a Mary Sue?
It's kind of hard to sum up in just a few lines, but I'll try my best to sum up what I feel a Mary Sue is. A Mary Sue is someone who can do no wrong. They're portrayed as being vastly smarter, stronger, and more capable than their antagonist and generally anything else pitted against them. The author wants all the actions of the Mary Sue to always be seen as unambiguously good, and amazing. A strong character reveals their strength when the situation calls for them to be stronger. A Mary Sue reveals their strength to show you how badass they are. A Mary Sue is never really at risk of losing.
>>25968374
all main characters are mary sues
bamp
One singular bumos
>>25971114
All of them?
Here's a second bumos
