ITT: Are bolt action rifles more acceptable than machine guns in my pony war fic, using an aborted 'verse which never actually produced anything as the basis for your fic, getting overly butthurt when literally everyone tells you your ideas are dumb instead of stepping back and pondering whether or not they're right, Spike the combat engineer, no one reads the OP, the return of WaiWai, "No relation whatsoever", I want to write a deep political thriller that includes magic duels, deleting and reuploading your story until you achieve a positive vote ratio, and the last thread didnt actually have much material that didnt involve warfics
Tired of edgy, ill thought out gorefests? Bored of Equestria at War? Well, we've compiled the best of the worst in order to bring you our absolute average!
>FIMFiction Starter Kit (recommended fics):
Winners:
http://i.imgur.com/vuTA7EN.png
List of nominees by category:
http://mlp-fanfics.herokuapp.com/
>How do I write fanfiction?
Ezn’s guide - http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Politics and the English Language - http://www.orwell.ru/library/essays/politics/english/e_polit/
Vhatug's tips for anatomically correct clop - http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f
Setting a story in motion - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufO8LbwTdu0
>Can you pre-read my story?
Post it on Google Docs with inline comments enabled and give us a link. Someone will take a look at it eventually.
>Reviews and riffs:
http://pastebin.com/u/notkickass222urmom
>Voiceguy's readings:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCt68MpmvEketmqOdHncHI2w
Old thread: >>27791530
fuck. I forgot to finish the subject line.
I guess this one is 64% more anonymous because fuck namefags
>>27858291
"64% more" works.
>>27858291
You missed your chance to turn this into a joke about unfinished fics or something.
There was definitely a joke like that in there.
>>27858309
i probably should have not brought it up at all since theres a pretty decent chance no one would have caught it anyway
>>27858326
I did before I even scrolled down.
Why would you NOT check the new subject, ITT and starter kit intro?
>>27858326
It's less that no-one would've caught it, and more that no-one would've given a fuck.
>>27858281
I've really got to get someone to shoop something else over the cover of that magazine one of these days too
>>27858414
A cover of the physical copy of Past Sins, maybe.
>>27858451
or any of the other dozens of fics that made it to print, yeah
>>27858478
But Past Sins was the worst one.
Anyone else here find it easier to write after a couple drinks?
>>27858478
Does anyone still have the pic of the LtD hardcover?
>>27858488
Easier to what?
>>27858488
It makes me a tad less neurotic about it, yeah.
>>27858487
its also really dated. i figured there was something equally terrible yet newer we might use.
Though it boils down to whatever the guy that does it wants. i dont photoshop, mspaint is more my speed
For anyone who's following, new chapter of Growth Spurts is through editing and live now.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/146449/growth-spurts
Enjoy, all you lovable pricks.
>>27859167
Read any good mystery fics recently? Investigation kind mystery, not 2spooky4u like we see on Fimfic.
>>27860090
No, sadly.
But the influx of subpar spoopy mystery and randumb comedy mystery make me want to write one myself.
>>27860173
Spooky, scary windigoes,
Send shivers down your land.
Shriekings pones will shock your hearts,
Freeze your land tonight.
Doot doot
>>27860260
>that feel when you get lost in the smut you're writing
>>27861349
Yeah this was me with the last big smut scene I wrote too. Whoever says they can't get off to their own smut isn't trying very hard.
>>27861805
Hey, carccy.
First of all, congrats on finishing a new chapter. It was awesome, I look forward for the Rumblebutting next chapter.
Also, if you don't mind me asking. I'm currently writing a romance story that will end up in sex.
I'm still going to ask the rest of the thread for opinions on it once I'm done, but it'd mean a lot if you could give it a look since you're one of the better smut writers I know.
I don't think I've ever had this guy pass me through moderation before. Usually it's Meester or Obselescence. Fastest pass I've ever had, too. How long as he been doing fic approval?
>>27861902
Seeing how he's been a site member since '12, I'd say quite a while.
Though I don't think he's ever approved any of my stories
So, does Spivke have claws or hands?
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/277895/-
>>27862634
I remember that story.
what about it?
>>27862653
>story
lmao
>>27861899
I could probably take a look at it. PM me on fimfic whenever. Fair warning though, if it's human/anon/oc/whatever with a canon pony I'll be a lot less interested.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/337605/a-human-arrives
my new best work in progress, I hope you all will follow it
>>27863023
Awesome, I hope you'll enjoy it.
>Fair warning though, if it's human/anon/oc/whatever with a canon pony I'll be a lot less interested.
Oh, don't worry, I only deal with canon characters, though I don't know if that may raise some objection, since the characters in question are Spike and Starlight.
I'm trying to make the development interesting and believeable, though. It won't be just sex for the sake of it. There will be a good five or so chapters--with some suggestive scenes interspersed--of romantic bonding before getting to the hot love-making.
>>27863117
>sparlight fic is still happening
>with help from cancerino
>It won't be just sex for the sake of it. There will be a good five or so chapters--with some suggestive scenes interspersed--of romantic bonding before getting to the hot love-making.
Shit, I am hype
>>27863166
I'm about to be done with chapter three, once I'm done I'll put it up here.
>>27861902
about 8 months ago.
>>27858414
Central Ohio Horse Arsonist.
>>27863804
I'd prefer this.
>>27863117
The only objection I might have toward that is being heinously dickish toward Rarity about the whole matter of his crush on her and how it shifts over to the new partner. My shipping preferences aside, a serious attempt at a different Spike romance really does need to address her in a non-flippant manner. It doesn't have to be particularly amicable, but as long as his attraction to her has carried on, it really does need to be addressed and sorted out one way or another as part of the process of moving on to a different flame.
(hint: discovering Twilight and Rarity have been hiding a secret love affair from him is probably a bad way to go about it. This is usually my #1 issue with Twi/Rarity fics.)
>>27864124
The issue of Spike's long-standing crush with Rarity will be addressed. I don't plan on just handwaving that.
The first few chapters will be devoted solely to romantic SoL vignettes depicting Starlight and Spike growing closer. Once their relationship gets more serious, they'll start addressing their bigger issues. Namely, Spike's feelings for Rarity, Starlight's past, and whatever else comes naturally.
>>27863166
Here are the first two chapters if you want a refresher:
Ch.1 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mqvHqAMPap8-eqsaNZkGSjKs8ck0ZwtqGgSmmgWg45k/edit?usp=sharing
Ch.2 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lrMRUz69p7HblKtGTry9OihBwgoppJCBHphois0zgnQ/edit?usp=sharing
And the newly finished, and way longer than I originally expected latest chapter:
Ch.3 - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VuDKf7cS0ga56N_-20Fk-GHhc3P-Kkiwl2_HiOK1hzI/edit?usp=sharing
>>27855399
A shame it was rushed as hell. It could have been a really good 30k long creepy lovecraft story.
>>27858488
I'm a teetotaler, so no.
>>27861349
That's always a great feel.
>>27861805
>isn't trying very hard
I really feel this way. If it doesn't arouse you, how's it suppose to arouse the reader?
>>27862653
Pretentiousness: the fanfic. It's either an attempt to satirize "HiE Luna Romance" stories or some kind of post modern bullshit. I lean toward the latter.
>>27863853
This.
>>27862653
I laughed.
>>27862634
>This is
>yjha
>but maybe
>aadnadna
What did he mean by these?
Like/dislike buttons were a mistake.
>>27865948
cant argue, but at least you chose the proper option.
from what i recall that was a terrible fic
>>27865948
God damn, that's incoherent. Did he just off Rainbow Dash six paragraphs in?
>>27865965
I honestly can't get past the runon sentences and constant grammar/spelling errors. How does this semi-literate garbage have so many likes?
>>27865969
As far as the text goes, the "cyan flyer" might not even be a pegasus. It might be a giant bird or something.
>>27865969
>>27865977
if thats the fic im thinking of, then spoilers yothe mare is trixie, and spike is spike with wings.some kind of zombie bullshit breaks out and spixie are two survivors trying to make it to the gryphon lands because thats apparently the last holdout of the living.
the cyan flyer is RD, hence spike shedding tears.
spike is immune to zombie disease because plot armor
trixie gets bit right before they hit the grypon border and spike gets philadelphia experimented to a different universe for no reason, where nothing has happened yet native spike is still twilights assistant and older spike is all PTSD-y and fuck it i think thats as far as I got with it
downboat and walk away, anon
>>27866005
I'm just really annoyed that this managed to get 5:1 when I've read better fics that struggle to get 3:1.
Are there good parodies/metawankery of the ubiquitous "6 Random Background Ponies have to team up" plot?
>>27866369
all that I can think of were either played straight or for comedic effect, but nothing parodistic or meta comes to mind
>>27865948
What would be better? Stars? Then everything would be either 1 or 5 stars with no tangible change from the way it is now
>>27867030
No rating system at all. Shitfics should be spammed with comments saying "shit sux dood" instead.
>>27867041
Except that wouldn't happen. People who want to retain their sanity avoid the comment section at all costs, and most of the mouth breathers who frequent the comment section love everything
>>27867066
True. There probably isn't a good way to do it, and failure is probably the only option. Such is life.
>>27867066
The comment section rabidly goes REEEEEEE at anything remotely critical of anything.
>>27866043
Because people rate on content rather than quality. They'll see a story that's objectively good, but it's got their least favorite ship in it, or it's AU or it's EqG, or any number of other things, and they'll downvote it.
>>27867265
Well theres no indication of what exactly it is that we're supposed to like/unlike. Quality? Content? Cover art? The writing? Plot? Grammar and punctuation? Tags?
Until staff decides to dictate what standard things should be rated on then users will continue using their own views which renders the entire thing pointless
>>27867350
The way to fix the rating system is to make it not a democracy. Only confirmed not-retarded users should be allowed to vote.
>>27867372
So... no one gets to vote because everyone on fimfiction is retarded.
Back to square one
>>27867372
In theory, this is what groups like RCL or Seattle's Angels are supposed to be: a group of people who are supposed to have good taste telling you what stories are good or not.
>>27867432
you really shouldnt have to wade through a pastebin or bunch of blogshit in order to find something passable to read though
>>27868396
Well, it's either that or click on fics with high up/down ratios and hope that the upvoters weren't all retarded.
>>27868521
click on fics that have genre tags that interest you and well written descriptions.
Hoping that fimfiction users arent retarded is a false hope
Airships are canon, right?
>>27869309
yeh
>>27869339
...Or is that an enslaved air-whale?
EQUESTRIAN COMMERCE IS BUILT ON THE BLOOD AND HELIUM FARTS OF THE INNOCENT AIR-WHALES! WAKE UP, SHEEPONES!
>>27869530
THE TOP ONE PERCENT CONTROLS THE MAJORITY OF THE FARTCONOMY!
How far can I go with magic before my readers' suspense of disbelief is ruined?
I was thinking a character's signature spell being a complete control of gravity around them in a 15 meter radius.
>>27869933
That seems a bit out there, but that's just my opinion. A "complete control" power should have a restriction more onerous than a 15 frigging meter radius. Maybe a smaller range, or a limited number of objects affected.
>>27869981
There's other restrictions in place, but that's supposed to be the point.
15 meters is their 'I'm going to fuck you up' radius, but outside that, there is nothing they can really do.
>>27869933
Depends on how you set it up. "Gravity control, 15m" sounds hard, but if Starswirl invented this thing, and Horsey McWizard has been practicing it for years? Sure, I could buy that. Maybe dial down the special talent if he has an appropriate cutie mark. You'll also need an explanation for why he spent N years practicing this spell in particular. (Maybe his cutie mark is something non-combat-focused, which he has cleverly twisted to get this high-power combat spell out of it?)
Also, how does "complete control of gravity" work exactly? Does he only set a uniform direction and intensity for everything in the AoE? Or can he cause specific objects to be attracted to specific other objects? And, in general, how does this effect differ from high-power multi-target telekinesis?
>>27870014
This character is the main 'boss' of the story, and is a leader of a mercenary guild.
His special talent is just an acute understanding of physics and forces in general. He was raised by his parents, who owned the guild previously, to learn to fight. His spell is technically gravity, but rather extremely high powered telekinesis.
He can't create gravity fields on objects, but can create 'wells of gravity' which is his telekinesis just pulling on everything in the vicinity.
>>27869933
Big powers need big shortcomings to balance them. It seems at the very least you could use this to fly and for that matter carry a giant globe of matter along with you while doing it.
15 meters may not sound like much but that's a sphere of 14,137.17 m^3 and would be 3,734,600.3 gallons of water if, for whatever reason, you felt like flying around with that much water.
Or a gigantic iron or, say, lead, sphere of that volume. "Complete control" could involve smashing that into the planet at .99 the speed of light. That's a planet smasher almost. Or definitely if it's neutronium or something.
>>27870083
That sounds pretty good. As he is an antagonist, I'm less inclined to call bullshit on his abilities. How does he get defeated, anyway?
>>27870083
That sounds like it might be okay. His parents wanted him to inherit the guild, but he had a non-combat cutie mark, so he made do with what he had. Presumably with lots of practice.
I would take out the bit about telekinesis though. If he has a talent for physics, he should be magically creating an actual gravity well, not just using telekinesis to drag stuff around (anyone can do that, with enough power and practice).
Also, the spell should probably be something he found in a book, not something he invented himself. It's too powerful and esoteric for that. Unless he's highly educated, but I assume he's not, being the son of two mercenaries and set on going into the family business.
>>27870135
>It seems at the very least you could use this to fly and for that matter carry a giant globe of matter along with you while doing it.
Yeah, you definitely need to add a restriction so he can't do this. Maybe he can't move the gravity well after casting the spell?
>>27870200
The boss has a mass limit to how much stuff he can manipulate.
The Mc collapses a bridge on top of him and crushes him.
Would this system work in a more technical fic?
Everyone has a set of 3 numbers used to determine their magical capabilities.
Outer Limit/Pressure/Cast Speed
Outer Limit- The Maximum range a pony can manipulate an object with telekinesis.
Pressure- The maximum amount of Kilograms per meter a pony can exert on an object.
This is demonstrated in the Equation TKpm = Ftk/meters
Ftk = Telekinetic Force
Cast Speed- The time it takes your telekinesis to go from 0 TKpm to 10 TKpm
>>27870617
Seems too technical for fantasy. Shouldn't magical power be related somehow to the plot forces in the story that make something believable or not?
My general approach is does your story have a character whose power approaches Twi v. Tirek level? If so, it's getting ridiculous. If it exceeds it, you have gone beyond the bullshit event horizon.
Similarly, outside of some epic situation, no character original or otherwise should exceed Twi's power, or at most Discord's.
>>27870751
you mean a character should not have more raw magical power than Twi, not no character should be able to beat Twi, correct?
Because in my head canon, and under the aforementioned system, Twi is actually really bad at combat.
Sure she has a lot of raw energy, and is really smart, but doesn't have the Casting Speed to keep up with a seasoned veteran.
>>27858281
>Tired of edgy, ill thought out gorefests? Bored of Equestria at War?
And here you have one of the huge reasons I quit dealing with FimFiction/the fandom. Add in shitty clopfics and you have the hat trick of suck that dominated the fan-dumb for years.
>>27867432
So, EQD? :V
>>27869933
0/10 would not read retarded as fuck.
>>27870976
>0/10 would not read retarded as fuck
Could you explain why? I'm always open to new input.
>>27869933
"Complete control" is pretty dangerous, and I'd dial it back in some ways. With complete control he could manufacture black holes, or accelerate objects to ridiculous speeds in order to bombard people well outside his 15m radius.
>>27870894
Don't try to edge me into some magic duel like that. I am talking about the genre, and Twi is seriously the top of the game in this genre.
Anyone making a fanfic that somehow blows Twi out of the water is really messing it up. Just saying.
>>27869933
Personally I dont care what the superpower is nearly as much as I care about how its done.
controlling gravity and all that entails (stretched to the limit youve got a impenetrable shield that allows for complete stealth, flight, being able to lift anything and control of time).
I dont have an issue with world breaking superpowers in my horse fiction but when you start breaking out literal god-tier powers for a villain then hes got to have a believable achilles heel at the very least. you cant just drop a bridge on him and go lol plot to kill him off
>>27871504
Good Point.
What would you suggest?
>>27871506
I didn't say Twilight isn't strong, I said she wouldn't be good in a fight. It's explained that she got away with it against Tirek because she had the collective power of 4 alicorns + the element of magic and could just blast the shit out of him.
Again I'm not saying she's weak, or I would have a character with more raw power than her, I'm saying she isn't adept enough to go toe to toe with someone who lives and breathes duels and fighting.
>>27871539
>you cant just drop a bridge on him and go lol plot to kill him off
He has a limit of the amount of mass he can manipulate in his sphere of influence. He's only a mortal.
>>27871565
Not him, but just put a cap on the strength of gravity he can produce. Maybe he can do 5 Gs and no more. That's not enough to make a black hole.
Or, consider letting him change the direction of gravity, but not its strength. That would still let him fucking wreck anybody in a fight, since they'll be getting tossed all over the place with no idea when gravity is going to change next.
>>27871565
>Again I'm not saying she's weak, or I would have a character with more raw power than her, I'm saying she isn't adept enough to go toe to toe with someone who lives and breathes duels and fighting.
Sounds like Trixie.
>>27871640
His maximum gravitational force was 50mps^2, but only when he's pushed to the max.
His major weakness is that he really can't touch you outside of his range, and his mass limit.
>>27871679
True. Too bad Twi doesn't exist in my story.
>>27871715
>Twi doesn't exist in my story.
You mean she doesn't appear? Or is this some kind of crazy AU?
So how dead is fimfiction right now?
>>27871766
She doesn't appear.
>>27871784
feature box:
>a 5k word one shot about the end of celestias war against the necromancers (adventure, dark, comedy)
>a 7k one shot, AU HiE with nazipone
>a 1.5k oneshot about twilight wanting to give her friends immortality
>a 2.4k oneshot about twilights cisgender parents dealing with their daughters lesbian relationship with speedysnooze
>incomplete [teen] [gore] [adventure] [AU] [dark] [human]
>a 4k oneshot in which RD comes out of the closet and no one is surprised
>a one shot sequel to another one shot twidash
>the threequel of an OC HiExLuna fic where the former human has saved the world a handful of times
>a 232k HiE ponified human fic
and
>a 67k word incomplete humanized clopfic
>So how dead is fimfiction right now?
very.
my AU with trixie is she was the second-best in celestia's university and her hatred of twilight is just that she was never noticed.
she did everything the best she could but was just never noticed.
>>27871922
>>So how dead is fimfiction right now?
>very.
I would have said "not enough".
>>27871922
>>a 2.4k oneshot about twilights cisgender parents dealing with their daughters lesbian relationship with speedysnooze
Read it, it was shit. Way too preachy, I can't see Twilight's mom being that conservative, plus the best argument the author could give her was "uh... it's unnatural!"
>>the threequel of an OC HiExLuna fic where the former human has saved the world a handful of times
That series has gone so far off the rails now. Dream hunting, war mage training, mentoring Shimmy, the timberwolf puppy, and now fucking Skitter turning into a queen. Plus, it's Tirek time as of the newest chapter, and I'd give even odds he somehow becomes instrumental in unfucking that shit.
>>27872008
>That series has gone so far off the rails now
I can think of a couple other series that went from fairly interesting to batshit nonsense as it went on, so at least its not alone in that
>Read it, it was shit. Way too preachy
typical. so many times I've seen real drama shit get ponified and instead of adequately portraying both sides of the issue theres always the well spoken authors opinion side and a caveman grunting strawman on the other
We often talk about bad stories and what is it that makes them bad, so I think it would be fair to talk about a story under a positive light, for a change.
Today, I want to talk about "Letters From a Friend at the End of the World".
>http://www.fimfiction.net/story/65656/letters-from-a-friend-at-the-end-of-the-world
There are plenty of valid criticisms you can make about this story, ranging from its slow pace to its rampant misuse of non-linear narrative. However, there is one particular thing this story does so well that I believe should serve as an example to other adventure stories.
Because despite its shortcomings, Letters succeeds at making its world seem vast.
With each town or village you pass, every character you meet, every tale told within the narrative, from all of them you get this sense of stories that go beyond what you're seeing. Whether it's through broad strokes or small details, they all paint a picture that's larger than the story itself. Be it an in-dpeth look at the creation of Equestria, the downfall of a once mighty race, the nebulous past of a mysterious pony, or a cursory glance at the study of the flora of the far north.
You really get the feeling that everything has a story behind it, and doesn't exist solely to serve the central plot, and it's really something that I'd like to see more, since there are so many stories that usually tend to disregard this type of subtle worldbuilding.
Now that Pinkie's balloony butt has caught your attention, I have a technical question.
I'm writing the prologue of a fic where two scenes are intertwined, and I'm wondering how to go about making the scene breaks.
Normally I just use the line breaks to separate scenes, but since I'm planning a back and forth between the two stories that happen simultaneously, this could get tiring, plus it wouldn't look nice.
I did think about not using breaks, but then I risk the chance of making it all a mess that could have a stream of consciousness feel that I don't think would be appropriate.
So, how could I go about making multiple scene breaks without making it look or feel too bad?
>>27863104
New chapter on here! Still looking for some feedback.
And the story's going somewhere, I promise.
>>27872577
I dunno, sounds like line breaks should work just fine. How big are the chunks of scene? Paragraph sized?
I'm in the mood to read again after a couple years.
Two stories I liked were Arrow 18 Mission logs and Quantum Castaways. If you know those, can you suggest similar? I've been out of the loop.
Human was okay, but got too long and weird so I dropped. Anthropology was really good, though the ending left me meh. Another I can't quite remember had rainbow dash and an injured twilight get stuck on a wild grimdark world and meet the last human there. It was good until the ending; it had a sequel I think.
>>27865948
Yeesh, it's like punctuation's a foreign concept. I don't even know what's going on.
>>27869933
Pretty far. The issues arise when you start diving into the laws, details, etc. and questioning starts.
>in a 15 meter radius
A sphere of 15 meters, or is it a cylinder that extends in both directions? If it's a cylinder, that'll raise some issues regarding air pressure, ground, etc.
Always remember side effects of that kind of thing, too. Increased gravity will effect the character's health, breathing abilities, etc. while too low of gravity will cause him to get flung out into space by the planet's centrifugal forceassuming the planet's rotating.
I'd probably tone it down so it isn't "total control" but has some set limits (+10% -10% etc.).
>>27870617
If you invent a power level scale, I'd recommend just using an already existing one and renaming it. For instance, using the newton for the pressure calculation. That way, you can quickly compare actual events (bench pressing 100 pounds = 450 newtons) to the ones ponies will do to get a good idea of the power needed.
>>27870894
>under the aforementioned system
Her range is pretty insane (ursa minor), as is her pressure (again, ursa minor, but also the thousands of apples in Applebuck), while her casting speed's pretty impressive (gatling gun in Canterlot Wedding).
You have someone that's better than the most powerful pony the thousand+ year old monarch's seen and my red flags start going up.
>>27872577
It depends on how long the scenes are. If you're only doing one or two sentences--and I don't really know why you would--then scene breaks will become a headache, whereas if your shifting after several paragraphs it'll be better.
You have to indicate to the reader somehow, whether that's through a break, paragraph mark, or mentioning the different scene's start in the narration. Otherwise, it'll turn into a confusing clusterfuck.
4 hour bump
I haven't seen a fic with this many crossovers in my life.
>>27873068
I've slept on it, and I think I'm going to switch the boss's spell to control over density of non living objects within his 15 meter radius.
>>27873969
Why is Pinkamena being solicitous of someone? Why is Lil' Miss Rarity doing anything but wallowing in despair and cutting cutting cutting?
The crossover idea is tricky because you're constantly reminding the reader of the various sources, which keeps them from settling into your own story. Plus the clash in tone between sources (I don't know this Candy pony, but would she really fit in a world that had Lil' Miss Rarity?)
...And then you have to keep all these versions of character IN character. Frankly, a lot of them wouldn't have anything to do with one another.
>>27873969
>"What's up, Rainbow Factory Dash? It's been a while."
>"Hey, I wasn't expecting to see you here, Experimental Twilight! Is Rotten Applejack with you?"
Who the fuck decided to use their 'verse names as their ACTUAL names?
>>27874060
Also, I'm pretty sure Lil' Miss Rarity was set in a universe where Rainbow Factory and Cupcakes actually happened.
Unless that AU Doctor Who crossover blog I saw some time ago was making shit up.
Ah, the ol' ask a pony blogs. I used to love these goddamn things.
>>27874060
No they wouldn't. Most have fucking lost it and don't have a care in the world if Pinkie is a serial killer, caring more for their own survival or amusement. It really goes to show how far the six have fallen. The only one I can see still being with it is Rainbow Dash, in the same way a guard at a concentration camp would.
The Candy Mare? The Candy Mare is essentially a Candy Monster made by a evil Willie Wonka that kills people. Would it fit? Probably, sort of, maybe as that one monster in the Everfree that preys on any poor unfortunate foal lucky enough to escape Ponyville (though Ponkie is probably not far behind).
>>27874103
I THINK they do. I remember that Ponkie's killing spree drove Rarity to insanity, making her practically turn into a NEET overnight. Don't know about Rainbow Factory.
Discord Whooves is still one of the stupidest things I've ever read.
>>27875041
>Discord Whooves is still one of the stupidest things I've ever read.
The art was pretty good, though.
I also like cynical/depressed protagonists.
>>27874097
why stop there? why not do that with everyone?
Raging homosexual Caramel
Big dick scootaloo
large dick sweetie belle
average cock applebloom
gardening cheerilee
emperors daughter gilda
mercenary lightning dust
changeling bonbon
not-a-dentist minuette
etc
>>27875048
True. I suppose a Poor Unfortunate Foals campaign where the PCs stumble across evidence of Ponkie killing people and go to the Doctor for help, only to get brushed aside and ignored, would be rather amusing in itself.
>>27875080
>Poor Unfortunate Foals
Didn't even know this existed.God, I wish I had friends to play tabletop RPGs with.
>>27875069
>mercenary lightning dust
So while Rainbow is running a concentration camp killing kids, Lightning is a young Big Boss preparing to raid the factory and open a massive can of whoop ass?
>>27875096
All that with power armor. LD just might be one of the coolest characters in this story.
>>27875096
>Lightning is a young Big Boss preparing to raid the factory and open a massive can of whoop ass?
or you know- just doing edgy stuff, flying around wearing two tons worth of power armor
>>27875112
But that's lame! Can't have everyone as a miserable edge lord, a mass murdering killer, or Willie Wonka's greatest creation.
>>27875092
Same here, Anon.At least I've been able to play both tabletop RPGs and wargames online a few times.
I should probably try roping my friends into playing with me sometime.
>>27875123
Since I moved to another country, my friends are:
>guy that refuses to play games older than 4 years
>guy that only plays new triple As
>guy that only plays triple As on PS3 plus Minecraft
>guy that only plays CSGO and Dota
There's no way I'll ever be able to convince these normies to play tabletops.
>>27875122
It should be likr freddy vs jason, but with all the edge lord mane six with some terrible ocs caught in the crossfire of their battle. Make their deaths comically gorey, and you have a pony horror romp with parodical camp mixed in.
Badaboom.
>>27875137
The Candy Mare vs Pinkamena. Whoever wins we lose! Pinkie has killed everyone in Ponyville, will she survive the brood of Willie Wonka?
7/10 not enough Zebra-IGN
>>27875133
I know that feel.
>guy that's just into programming and anime (actually plays tabletop tho)
>guy that never plays anything older than a few years (actually likes boardgames tho)
>guy that only plays mmos
>guy that only plays what's currently popular
>me playing daggerfall and trying to get into games on irc/maptools/roll20
I think I have some chances with the first two.
>>27875122
but what if you could?
>>27875137
I like it but how would you determine which of the tardverse characters to use?
>my little rarity
>raritys garden rarity
>bughunter, ebola abortion rarity
>AAG rarity
or do you just combine them all and have multiple copies of characters running around?
ooh ooh. the premise-
>twilight sparkle naturally fucks up a spell opening portals to alternate equestrias and the edgelord versions of all her friends begin pouring into the primeverse...
>>27875167
>twilight sparkle naturally fucks up a spell opening portals to alternate equestrias and the edgelord versions of all her friends begin pouring into the primeverse...
Starts lighthearted, then Pinkie disappears for longer than usual, only to return somewhat different. Then Ponies start going missing, and evil Willie Wonka decides use Scootaloo as the base for his magnum opus. Cue title scree: CANDY MARE VS PINKAMENA!
>>27875198
>Starts lighthearted
pull the old tag switcharoo. start off with teen, random, comedy, SoL tags to draw people in.
then a few chapters in replace those with mature/dark/gore/sex/thriller
Can anyone recommended some more obscure HiE fics? I have 500~ HiE fics on my favorites and 600~ on my 'semi-favorite' list. I'm convinced at this point that there's no HiE I've not read. Hell, I even run a decently popular HiE group just so I can browse new ones that pop up.
>>27875167
>bughunter, ebola abortion rarity
... sorry, what?
>>27875281
I think youve had enough. 1100+ HiEs already? youve probably got them all
>>27875291
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/109787/giftgiver
>>27875311
Actually, I'm going through both folders as we speak and there's at least 100 FO:E or just normal pony-only fics in the semi-fav list.
Man, the decline of fimfiction really showcases the decline of Bronies in general. The interesting thing: the Bronies are disappearing with almost narry a trace of their memory. Those "epic" fanfics? They're going to be forgotten by all save for a mere handful of autists and the authors who grow to regret writing them.
The fanart? Slowly they're deleted on deviantart until finally the only ones remaining are the ones saved on imageboard archives. It's a eery feeling watching the autists migrating to infect other fandoms while discarding MLP like it was nothing but a tired old toy.
It's weird but fascinating all the same.
I decided I need to actually write again. Thanks to a thread last night I remembered how disappointed I was in IDW with Nightmarity, and I think I'll start by writing the concept in a better way, with more focus on Rarity. But I don't intend to straight up rewrite it, I want to make it different. Does that sound like an idea someone woukd read? What did other people not like about the arc, and wish to see improved?
>>27875530
What other fandoms have ever been as popular & active as this one besides Star Wars and/or Startrek?
>>27875809
Yes, I would read.
WRITING
So I'm releasing that LD mercenary fic in likely a few days. Just waiting for the cover art to be finished. (I got an actual artist to do cover art for me this time. The Sandy Bird also has new cover art. It's much better now.)
I have a draft of the second chapter that I'd be happy with releasing. I'd like some criticism/feedback on it.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/14IsyEuZsRxKe5uQvRJeSy8qUJXm9Eo_H46ODyYtuNdI/edit?usp=sharing
Keep in mind this is where "sequel" comes more into play. And there isn't any action in this chapter, in case you were wondering.
>>27876926
Okay, just right off the bat I've got one concern. Sunset and her cronies are comically informal. They're in an international forum, speaking to royalty, and they're talking like they've just met up with a friend at the grocers. I can see the Luna/Sunset interaction being fairly informal, but the addition of Trixie and Moondancer, not to mention Foreign Fucking Dignitaries, elevates the situation from "insolent" to "diplomatic incident".
Sunset et al. meet up with Starlight and her band of merry men and after introductions (complete with a faux pas by Trixie that would get most people ejected from a party, not to mention Moondancer straight up not introducing herself), they're just all chatting away, at least until a member of Starlight's delegation out right murders a member of the Equestrian aristocracy!
Watch an actual diplomatic reception. Things are regimented and formal for a damn good reason. Having your super cool OCs act like Darktalon Steelwings breaks suspension of disbelief like Bane broke Batman.
In the same vein, "Arch-Commissar"? Really? If you're going for a kind of communist authoritarian feel, you want humble titles that only hint at the dictatorial power they conceal. They're chairponies of this committee, director of that agency. Ostensibly servants of the people, you dig?
Don't even get me started on "Dominator fucking Supreme".
All this boils down to one issue, really. The scene doesn't feel like the leaders of two nations squaring off in a game of political brinksmanship. It feels like the Sharks and the Jets facing off on the corner next to the chemist's. There's no subtlety to any of it, no diplomacy. That shrinks the scale of the scene and lowers the stakes, because it feels like neither Starlight or Luna have anything to lose.
>>27877171
>implying he can into subtlety
Just give up. He's not going to change it anyway.
>>27876926
On the other hand, though, outside of some awkward phrasing in places, your description sets the scene very well without descending into extraneous detail, and the characters (sans Luna) and dialogue flow very well, even if it doesn't fit the scene. It would probably fit in a SoL fic more than a political thriller, though.
>>27876926
Will Lightning Dust be goin' up against Kommadant Rainbow Dash and evil Willie Wonka?
Seriously, anyone just find the very idea behind a evil Willie Wonka creating a candy monster just utterly hilarious? It's just so ridiculous and unexpected you can't help but laugh.
>>27877171
Those are some pretty grave concerns. Are there other fics that do these kinds of scenes better? This is probably happening because I have no experience or frame of reference with this sort of thing.
>>27877197
Don't be so sure about that.
>>27877200
I did work hard getting the dialogue to flow well.
>>27877211
>unexpected
On the contrary, I could have definitely imagined something like that popping up in the book.
>>27877245
First that comes to mind...
The Sansa chapters from Clash of Kings breams with overly polite two-faced political dialogue in which ALL characters actively use whenever in the presence of King Joffrey the Pissant. All insults are subtle, everyone practices a form of flattery even in anger, and just observe Sansa trying her absolute best to avoid showcasing her hate. Then there's the Tyrion chapters in which even when he and Cersei go at it they still speak diplomatically save for a handful of moments when Tyrion opens a can of whoopass.
>>27877327
Wait, which book?... Uh oh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=We5a2mA7IAU
>>27877245
I'd start with old Cold War thrillers, because most tend to have at least one scene where the Yanks and the Russians face off.
As far as Fimfic goes:
>Night's Favoured Child
by Municipal Engines
It's not quite what you asked for, but it's got Luna as Queen doing diplomacy.
>Lines and Webs
by Airstream
Actually four stories, with the politics heating up in two and three (Dusk's Dangerous Game and Stormsinger, respectively).
>A Song of Storms
by the 24th Pegasus
Covers Commander Hurricane pre Hearths Warming. Second and third books are most political.
>>27877341
Coincidentally, I just finished reading the first book in that series. The interactions between Robert Baratheon and Eddard Stark were fairly informal even during formal events, so I figured they all were like that.
>>27877379
I'll check those out.
>>27877402
And I'll change "Grand Arch-Commissar" to "Chairpony" and "Director" and other such things. Not quite sure what I'll rename the DS though. Generalissimo is usually applied to a military dictator iirc, but it might work for this one.
>>27877402
You could also try Clive Cussler's Oregon Files, particularly Corsair where the American Diplomat has to deal with the Libyan representative. Also try some of the Padme episodes from SW:CW, sure the dialogue is a bit stilted but they at least try to convey diplomatic meetings.
>>27877365
The original Roald Dahl book. The sequel was even grimmer, Charlie's grandparents get age-reversed into inexistence.
Also, that trailer isn't too far off the truth, since in the original draft of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory there was supposed to be another kid who was a teacher's pet and his dad was the principal of a school. Wonka was making a candy that could let kids pretend to be sick and skip school. Outraged, they try to stop it, but fall into the machine that makes the candy, and Wonka later reveals that kids who are teacher's pet are a key ingredient of the candy.
Makes you wonder why that part got removed.
>>27877443
I did try to establish the International Gala as a sort of bi-annual World's Fair, not a proper delegation per se. That's why everyone's not terribly formal. I'm not trying to deflect criticism here; I really should've done a better job at establishing that. And now that I think about it, they are a little too informal even for something like that.
>>27877469
Woah. That's pretty dark for a kid's story, sheesh. I mean sure, Wonka had the Oompa Loompas living as literal slaves but outright harvesting people for ingredients is pretty out there. Not that I particularly care for the naughty children (especially Lucy), but still.
Well, I can now safely deduce that it's not Celestia who truly owns the Rainbow Factory.
>>27877426
I've decided the SS head will be Head Commissar, propaganda and tech heads will be Director, top general will be Generalissimo, and Premier will stay Premier.
Better?
>>27877565
Uh. Maybe add a line or something to White Hawk's introduction? He says he's the "greatest guardian of the Premier and the Commonwealth". I thought he was some kind of bodyguard and Ten Who Were Taken style big stick, not a general.
>>27877490
Calling it a Gala is kind of misleading, maybe. In the first few lines of dialogue you compare it to the Grand Galloping Gala, which is very much a formal event. In addition, in the first block of exposition you name "Very Important Ponies" explicitly, but there's no mention of any common folk being present.
>>27877490
Even then, the Commonwealth just straight up murders Blueblood. That's past "informal" into "fuck your diplomatic immunity, enjoy a million years dungeon".
>>27877565
You're looking for Marshal, as the highest military rank. Less cartoon villain, more Zhukov.
So here's what I'm considering.
Luna is canonically a terrible diplomat. Thousand years in the moon and all that. Her utter disdain for maintaining an air of politeness for diplomacy's sake is her greatest flaw as a ruler. That's really the main reason things are as unsubtly brash as they are. So I'm thinking Cadence doing this sort of thing in her stead would be better.
>>27877638
Starlight has her own dedicated bodyguards. So do the Marshal and Head Commissar.
>>27877668
Okay, that explains it. The fact that the mane six basically ruined the GGG without getting any real consequences for it also made me think the whole event wasn't really that big a deal.
>>27877742
>That's past "informal" into "fuck your diplomatic immunity, enjoy a million years dungeon".
I figured having Moondancer tell them they only got away with killing him because everyone hates him would be enough. Clearly not. Might be better if he was just barred from entering it altogether.He was only there in the first place because he was originally supposed to be married to Rarity.
>Marshal
Oh. You're right. Much better title.
>>27877839
Being hated does not mean you let foreign generals murder him in cold blood.
Let him be assassinated? Not stop him from dueling the Marshal? Tossing him in the dungeon for insulting a guest of the Queen? All fine.
Having a noble get straight up murdered and doing nothing about it makes you look incredibly weak as a ruler.
>>27863104
>>27872578
Another new chapter for this story that I don't think people like, based on the rating. But still, writing practice is writing practice.
Feedback would be much appreciated, as I have none so far!
>>27877926
Hmm. Don't have a fimfiction account but, I like what I've seen so far. What are they complaining about? Something valid like the informal dialogue, or are you getting the "YOU KILT MAH WAIFU" type of comments?
>>27877948
Thanks! Nobody's really said anything so far, so I'm not sure what they don't like. Also, could you tell me more about the informal dialogue? I'm not sure what that means, or how it's hurting my story.
>>27877908
>Tossing him in the dungeon for insulting a guest of the Queen?
You know what? That's a much better idea. Perhaps either the Marshal or the Premier will ask Luna faux-politely to have the Black Royal Guard kick him out, and she'll do it begrudgingly.
And I'm considering just having Luna look down menacingly over the whole thing from a balcony while Cadence does all this diplomacy stuff. Really, Luna is just plain not fit to do diplomacy with her current characterization. Not unheard of for real-world rulers, but if it shatters the willing suspension, then it shatters the willing suspension.
>>27877839
Dude. Imagine if, during, I dunno, a fundraiser or something, the President of the United States and the President of the People's Republic of China met up for some diplomancing. During the conversation, the house majority whip (currently Steve Scalise) makes a few ill advised comments. In response, Chang Wanquan, currently Minister of Defense, drags him outside and shoots him dead.
That's the kind of shit that countries go to war over.
>>27877926
Dude, ironic stupid is still stupid, and I don't waste my time with stupid.
>>27878011
I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Did you even read the story?
>>27877402
Remember, Ned and Robert are supposed to be very close friends, and their bond and history is such that they are literally the only people they can speak informally to. Part of why Robert made Ned his Hand is that he can treat Ned as a friend, rather than someone to politic with, so I wouldn't use their interaction as any sort of base for diplomacy is supposed to be.
>>27877957
Well to be honest, it's just a Stoner fic. Something people read when they've taken a few puffs from a pipe. A lot of people, particularly prudes, dislike that.
>>27877976
Well now I know that putting Luna and Blueblood in this chapter at all was a terrible idea and made me look like an idiot for writing it. And those ridiculous titles I gave the Commonwealth ministers. I only put "Grand Arch-" in their names because otherwise they wouldn't be distinguishable from the run-of-the-mill political officers who are called Commissars; the audacity of the result somehow escaped me.
>>27878026
I remember Robert being pretty crass when dealing with Nymeria biting Joffrey. And he slaps Cercei around quite a few times.
>>27878019
Alright.
>Chapter Zero
Dude shows up in Ponyville, beats up ponies.
>Chapter One
Turns out Dude was summoned by Sombra-in-name-only. They then proceed to walk down a hallway snarking ineptly at each other.
>Chapter Two
They walk into a room, Dude whacks a minotaur in the balls, they snark, some infodump.
It reads like one of those shitty trollfics Peter Chimera writes, except without the charm.
>>27876926
The informal dialogue criticism has been made by someone earlier. All I can say is just keep trying until you finally get it right. Writing practice is still writing after all.
Out of ample curiosity, has any of the past discussion around the EDGY 6 crossover fic (in which, the edgy OCs die horribly) or the Evil Willie wonka shitposting inspired you in some form? I'm just curious in what we might stumble across.
>>27878027
What makes my fic a 'stoner fic'? Why would people read it under the influence of pot?
>>27878075
It's not a trollfic, and I'm sorry you think it's stupid. How do I fix it?
>>27878123
First off, figure out what story you're trying to tell. You've got 5 tags and three of them are pretty exclusive. Are you writing a tragedy or an adventure? A tragedy in literary terms isn't just a sad story, or a story where someone dies. It sort-of passes muster as an adventure, but there's no sense of stakes or any problem that needs to be resolved. Is it a comedy? It tries to be funny in the SS&E style, but it mostly just comes across as crass. There isn't any narrative through line to follow. It's just a person doing stuff.
Write an outline. What is the end of the story? What is the beginning? How do you go from one to the other?
>>27878078
I'm just going to scrap this whole chapter and rewrite it from the ground up with these criticisms in mind. In fact, as of this post, this google doc has been moved to my trash bin.
Cadence is supposed to be Luna's main diplomat anyway. I don't really know what I was thinking not having the main diplomat do diplomacy. Actually, I do. Characterization. But it was characterization inappropriate to the setting.
Actually, I might still be able to give Luna this characterization and retain Shimmer's third person POV without making the Gala look like a ghetto street brothel. If I put her and Luna on a balcony and have them just listen in to the conversation while occasionally commenting on it to themselves... Yes, I like that idea. I'll go with that.
>>27878207
Tragedy's only there because some guys got pissed last time I had a story where main characters died and it wasn't tagged with tragedy.
How do I add a sense of stakes or a problem?
What's a narrative through line?
>>27878078
Forgot to respond to this.
>has any of the past discussion around the EDGY 6 crossover fic (in which, the edgy OCs die horribly) or the Evil Willie wonka shitposting inspired you in some form?
Oh, I was actually the one who posted the screencap of that edgy 6 fic. I wasn't thinking of my own thing at the time. I have my inspirations pretty set already.
>>27878282
Those guys are idiots who don't know how to tag. Ignore them.
In chapter one, you establish that the protagonist is brought to Equestria to "beat up Sombra's enemies". Problem is, you've already had him fight and win against Equestria's mightiest defenders in chapter zero. We know he's going to win, and he's going to make it look easy. There's no threat there, and no challenge to overcome.
Your protagonist is sitting eating breakfast when someone he's never met before says "walk outside". He does, and is then immediately abducted to serve a Dark Lord from a different universe. His response is pretty much, "huh. That's cool." And then he just goes along with it! It's absurd.
There are no stakes, because we know he's going to win. And there are no other problems because he's just fine with being taken from his home, possibly permanently, to be the hatchet-man for the Witch-King of Crystals. He doesn't want anything, so he's not interesting. Because he isn't interesting, his story isn't either.
At a fundamental level, drama is someone wanting something and working to obtain it.
>>27877966
>Luna is just plain not fit to do diplomacy with her current characterization
What? She might not like it, but she's a grown-ass mare, I'm sure she can manage for a few hours if she really needs to. At least, assuming nobody does something to piss her off.
>>27878462
Oh. That probably comes from me just writing random shit.
I could do all those things if I actually outlined a plot before writing. I'll do that next time I write a story.
>>27878726
I'm not saying that's false, but there are three things working against her here. First is she already has some pretty deep contempt for the Commonwealth ministers, so asking her to be nice or even polite to them would be asking quite a bit of her Second is she ultimately just does not see the need for diplomatic niceties, and considers them to be dishonest. Third, and most importantly, she's just plain socially inept because of a thousand years of envious brooding on the moon.
That said, she could. Maybe. If she really, really needed to. But that's a big maybe, and why risk that when she can have the literal princess of love do it for her?
I'm mostly just talking about Equestria-Commonwealth diplomacy here. She'll handle just about any other faction adequately (but not amazingly, and she knows this, so she'll still delegate it to Cadence).
>>27878061
Robert is the King, though. Nobody acts like that to him in return.
Hey guys. I'm not much of a brony, but I stumbled across a old word file that I wrote awhile back under the influence and it was surprisingly good. It followed a Hippogriff cop chasing after "Jamal Tyrone," a cheap dimestore Ape hood wanted for drug distribution. It was surprisingly good for a quick 5,000 word chapter. However, Manehattan was "too diverse" to fit in the show, and by the sounds of it drunk me decided to play with having it take place in the same verse as all those damn grimderp fics.
I'm just asking if I should write a fic out of this thing, or if I should convert it to a normal story. I seemed to have been inspired by Max Payne, Copland, and finally the rpg Kult while writing the chapter. As a result, I'm not sure if anyone would really read about a undercover Hippgriff detective busting up drug rings while stumbling across something far darker in the process. Either way, I am tempted to actually write such a fic but at the same time am considering converting the story into it's own thing.
What does anon think?
>>27879157
link the story.
>utaan
>201 chapters
Skirts has officially lost it. Soon the Austraeoh series will go the way of End of Ponies.
>>27879755
Skirts had it to begin with?
>>27875809
The shipper in me says play up the 'extra special connection to Spike' angle of it a hell of a lot more. I'd read that fic in a heartbeat.
>>27879755
>Soon the Austraeoh series will go the way of End of Ponies
everyone gets blue balled because skirts cant figure out an ending? I can believe that
>>27872755
>>27873068
The intertwined scenes would only happen in the prologue, which would be around 2k words at most. The rest of the story would follow a more traditional narrative style.
I think leaving an additional empty line between paragraphs would work best. It makes a clear distinction yet doesn't feel jarring.
>>27879755
Well, he still has four books to bullshit his way through before leaving everyone hanging.
>>27880327
>4 books left
Has she even made it to the dark side of discworld yet? If not then this is either going to be a 36 book series or shes going to get there, flip a giant switch that says reset and have an 'a winrar is you' ending
>>27870894
>you mean a character should not have more raw magical power than Twi, not no character should be able to beat Twi, correct?
Saying never is always going to have exceptions, but using Twilight as a general benchmark for overpowered is usually safe. If you're doing that, there should be a very good reason for it.
Almost any time someone creates such a character they're ridiculous and edgy and shit.
At the very least there needs to be an explanation of why if this pony is so powerful we never heard of them before.
We've also seen Twilight be beat, by Trixie plus Alicorn Amulet.
And I think Twi/Tirek battle level of stuff is at the outside range of possibility in the show universe.
[Pt. 1]
>>27873969
>Rotten Applejack, Experimental Twilight, Murdershy, Candy
I take pride having no idea what any of the fics are that these characters are from.Unless Experimental Twilight's referring to the one from Pages of Harmony.
>>27874103
>where Rainbow Factory and Cupcakes actually happened
I don't think that's all that possible. Dash is practically a fascist in Rainbow Factory who wouldn't want to associate with earth ponies--let alone bake with one. Then there's the whole "gone totally off the deep end" after Scootaloogets left for dead in the bowls of the factory.
>>27875069
>the Griffin Empire invades Equestria just as anon appears in the Everfree Forest while cultists kidnap a pony to bring back NMM and the changeling hivemind implements its plans to turn a member of the Mane Six into a changeling, when an embittered and PTSD'd alternate universe version of Luna appears to warn of Twilight eventually going insane and destroying Equestria due to her living forever.
You know, I'd actually read that just because of how much of a fun clusterfuck it would be.
>>27875809
>would read?
Sure, I'd read it.
>not like about the arc
The entirety of the Nightmare Forces. It was a terrible idea that contradicts canon (imprisoned *in* the moon + where were they when NMM actually invaded?), makes Celestia look horribly incompetent (I'll let my evil sister terrorize Equestria's dreams and do fuck all about it), and makes Luna look incompetent (eh, my WMDs I made on the moon will just sort themselves out).
The whole concept of the Nightmare being a separate entity takes a beating, as well. Luna's desire was to be loved by her ponies and so, it corrupted that into "eternal night so you will love my night."
But it does nothing with Rarity. Where's the corruption of her desires and fears? It's just the generic "take over Equestria" motive every cardboard villain has and it really wastes what's the Nightmare's greatest potential--corrupting of the user.
>>27878282
>wasn't tagged with tragedy
Tragedy, in the literary sense, isn't just the protagonist dying--although that tends to happen in tragedies.
A tragedy is simply: the protagonist completely loses, and the loss is due to some error the protagonist made. An error that is usually based on a flaw (pride, greed, etc.) the protagonist has.
>>27880287
>an additional empty line
That could just be taken as a formatting error by readers, though.
>>27881387
*bowels of the factory
>>27881387
>Dash is practically a fascist in Rainbow Factory who wouldn't want to associate with earth ponies--let alone bake with one.
No, the Rainbow Factory was mostly a cultural thing, with pegasi being portrayed as some Spartan-like race that kills off weaklings. I don't think they have any particular problems with earth ponies, especially strong ones.
>>27881387
>You know, I'd actually read that just because of how much of a fun clusterfuck it would be.
sounds like an AAG side story
Am I off to a good start here? I'm hoping this is less retarded than the other thing.
>>27881907
Just off the top of my head, you seem to have an obsession with describing what everyone is wearing. (a show vs. tell thing gone wrong?)
Luna flat out saying "prone to righteous fury" is bland. (Telling vs. showing.) She should say something like "The last time I tried I hurled Ambassador Saltyhooves into a fountain (and quite rightly so.) My sister suggests my talents lie outside the sphere of diplomacy."
>>27882079
>a show vs. tell thing gone wrong?
I'm trying to establish the nature of the event and its patrons by describing their fashion choices, since people/ponies do try to dress well for these things precisely because of the message it sends to others around them. I know it comes off as a bit obsessive, but I can't think of a better way to do it.
>She should say something like
How about both? She mentions an example of such righteous fury to underscore her point.
>>27882098
>I can't think of a better way to do it.
BTW this is my way of asking for suggestions on better ways to do it. Not deflecting criticism here.
>>27882098
Describe Sunset's outfit, sure, but then just describe the whirl of colors on the floor below from ponies dressed every bit as elegantly as Shimmer. Or something like that.
>Why not both.jpg?
Okay...? I guess... But mentioning an incident, done well, should make stating her righteous fury superfluous.
>>27882079
>have an obsession with describing what everyone is wearing.
and thats unneeded. one of those rare exceptions where tell not show works. All you need to say isthat the party goers were extravagantly dressed. No need to go in depth on something that literally no one cares about and has zero impact on the story.
>>27882098
>establish the nature of the event and its patrons by describing their fashion choices, since people/ponies do try to dress well for these things
as rarity has shown pony fashion usually means 'take something hideous and glue a bunch of gemstones to it'
its a formal ball, so even your most tarded reader will know that means snooty types dressed fancy
>>27882147
Natural dialogue can be redundant sometimes. It doesn't really follow the same rules as narration. Having her mention a specific incident out of the blue seems a bit off.
As for describing their dress, I will try not to be so specific with clothes on characters that aren't important at the time. So it'll just be "not one was wanting for fancy attire" and leave out Cadence's and Shining's clothes descriptions entirely. Would that work?
>>27882176
>Having her mention a specific incident out of the blue seems a bit off.
It's not out of the blue. It's an answer to Sunset's question.
>"why aren't you running this shit?"
>"because the last time I tried I got pissed off and threw some idiot noble into the fountain"
>>27882204
Good point. I'll have her mention a specific incident. Maybe even use this fountain example just as a shout-out to /fimfic/.
>>27881907
Queens are addressed as "majesty" or "highness". "Grace" is a ducal form of address.
Shimsham is urbane enough to understand why she is at this gala.
Luna is a millenia old head of state. "I can't do this because I get too mad" doesn't hold water.
Overall, you're still about as subtle as a hammer to the face.
What would you say is your biggest flaw as a writer?
>inb4 procrastination
I mean what do you think is your biggest issue with the way you write. Any odd quirk or bad habit you found yourself doing over and over again when writing?
>>27882954
I'm not a native English speaker, so my sentence structure can be really bad. My vocabulary is really lacking as well, and my writing often feels lifeless as a result.
>>27882954
I tend to obsess over specific things that I think are important or that I like, then neglect other, possibly more important things.
>>27882975
This. Except for the vocabulary, that is. I overuse commas or misplace them frequently. I just put a comma before that "or" right there.
>>27877526
>pretty dark for a kid's story
Welcome to Roald Dahl. He was a really great children's book author, and wasn't afraid to get into the darker stuff. Easily one of my favourite authors growing up. His books don't quite "speak down" to children in the way most do.
His books are also often unlike other children's novels in humour and plot. Like "The Twits", which is mostly a book about two old people being cunts to each other until they die.
Or "The Witches", where the protagonist and his grandmother solve England's witch problem by having all the witches murdered.
Plus most of them have nice Quentin Blake illustrations.
He wasn't just a children's book author too. He has some good short stories.
If I remember correctly, and I might not, "The Man from the South" is one of the better known ones, and I seem to remember it being a good example of how to build tension in a short amount of time.
https://maggiemcneill.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/man-from-the-south.pdf
Might be worth checking out.
>>27882954
I tend to use curse words way more often then I should when writing Anon's dialogue.
>>27883254
You're tangentially failing at writing Anonymous dialogue if approximately 105% of it isn't insulting to someone.
>>27883297
yeah anons supposed to be a cunt. too many AiEs just use anon as a watered down excuse to avoid having to develop a character
>>27882954
I can't write dialogue. Everything ends up sounding like two robots talking to each other, and when I try to capture a certain character's "voice," it ends up sounding like two robots talking to each other with the occasional word-swap to make them sound more "authentic."
>>27882954
I keep trying to cram things into the setting that just doesnt fit. guns, bombs, guns, rifles, guns, pistols, guns, machine guns, tiger fucking tanks, guns, jet fighters, guns, power armor, guns, and just to keep things interesting, some more guns
I had nothing to do today, and I had this weird urge to work double-time on the new second chapter, so here's the first draft of it.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HZQAf9oPQ1ERn-hOhRUwtOm95hHB7vvFz2E7elVcdKE/edit?usp=sharing
It's a first draft, so it's probably bad, but I'd at least like to know if I'm going in the right direction.
>>27883639
Sovereign liege is redundant. Pick one or the other.
Queens are "Your Majesty". Princes are "Your Highness". Dukes are "Your Grace".
"The rules of etiquette are ones which we know from top to bottom." Awkward phrasing. Try, "We know the rules of etiquette from top to bottom."
You use "soulless" too much. It loses impact. Soulless implies otherworldly.
The guests at a party are not clientele.
Overall, very much improved from the previous iteration. Good work.
>>27883979
That's good to hear. I will try to fix the redundant/awkward phrasing in places. And as much as I like the sound of "Your Grace" (which is mostly why I used it for Luna) I will resist the temptation to use it for anyone who's not a duke. Hopefully, I've redeemed myself this time.
>>27882954
I'm a technically skilled writer, but I lack the creativity to create a proper story. I either get bogged down on pointless elements trying to hash out an outline, or, without an outline, I write shit that doesn't belong in the story. I'm also not the best with characters. I don't think they're too bad, but I have a certain detachment in my writing that I'm always self-conscious about, and the dialogues and what-not feels to me like that's where it most shows.
Stylistically, my writing is a little old-fashioned. I love descriptors and painting a scene with words, so a lot of the time, I lose sight of the story at hand and end up just giving a portrait of the scene, instead of layering the description and the action together in the same sections.
>>27884704
Why don't you write Fallout: Overwatch?
>>27884713
If only I was lacking in dignity enough to do that.
>>27884713
Under Five Nights at Fallout: Overwatch Equestria Tale.
>>27885161
You forgot the "GO" at the end of that.
>>27882954
I get too descriptive of the setting and the actions of the characters.
Whenever I write, I picture how the story would unfold in my mind, and I always end up trying to convey as much detail as possible, which can make my stories a bit draggy and hard not to gloss over.
>>27882954
That I don't write.
There's going to be a writeoff event this weekend. Just write a pony story between 2k and 8k.
http://writeoff.me/event/54-TBD
Will you participate?
>>27886921
>Will you participate?
of course not. that would require writing
>>27886921
If the prompt catches my attention, maybe I'll make a quick one-shot.
I have other stories to write.
So after a two-year leave from reading on fim, can I get back into it, or is to late to recover the magic?
>>27888237
It's never too late.Just accept that your favourite fics probably haven't updated.
This summary really rustles my jimmies.
>>27885576
> Left 4 Five Nights at My Little Overwatch Tale-Craft Movie: Global Offensive GO 2: Remastered Special GOTY Edition
>>27888621
Watchu think of my idea, guise?
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bCJFGXhVWUZixnsDWy_Mvff5NTI6Du39momhqCy5EXY/edit
Man, I can't write more than a thousand word stories for shit, like honestly.
But, do tell me what you guys think about this little story here. Should be for a good laugh I guess.
>>27881907
>>27882098
>better way to do it
This might be a little much, but instead of simply stating there were dignitaries and such present, you could "scan the room" so to speak and depict some diplomats talking about some peace treaty, merchants discussing tariffs, etc. And once you have them talking, you can open up a little about the attire they're wearing (i.e. "I'm still not sure whether this is supposed to be black tie or not," Blah said, glancing down at the blue blowtie around his neck, "The RSVP wasn't clear.")
It would certain help to flesh out the whole thing and not just make it seem like a bunch of extras standing around to fill things out. And you never know, you might find some of those characters playing roles later on.
I'd agree that "Grace" is a pretty weak honorific.
>Princess Consort Shining Armor
Unless he's a girl in this universe, it should be Prince Consort.
>royal we
Doesn't seem appropriate given the context. Luna's talking to her student, someone who's likely somewhat personal with her, not a group of citizens or emissaries she's trying to show off to. The royal we's really for formal things, showing you, the monarch, are the state and representing it.
>>27882954
>biggest flaw as a writer?
Group scenes involving more than about three characters. Characters eventually fall off into a void until it's down to two or three people engaging in the conversation.
>>27889477
Left a few comments. The edge of the universe thing felt unnecessary and maybe even a little suspension of disbelief breaking when Dash could simply have been parked in orbit.
It was decent. The humor felt subdued, which I'm not sure if intentional. If you wanted to make it more humorous, you could greatly go into more detail about the ordeal and fear Dash was experiencing during her trip, then end it with the same punchline.I hope you know you enabled editing for other users.
>>27889459
Hoofsies!
4 hours and 20 minutes later, page 10. damn but the board must be dead today
>>27891621
Punishment for failing to check
>>27890733
I've had chapters 3 and 4 for that merc LD fic finished for a while now, and a re-done chapter 2 only meant that they needed some slight tweaking. Shall I post the google docs now, or are you guys getting sick of it?
>>27891810
You post it, we'll roast it. In a loving way.
>>27892702
>In a loving way.
I can't promise that.
>>27892702
Chapter 3
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SmkXA2OLLdkuOe5L4aJqTpClgdT2G6LjXj0FkrXJqgo/edit?usp=sharing
Chapter 4
https://docs.google.com/document/d/10S2OF7XKfSUDLtqdLa0lxswWfrft-GUnuItj7StH3yw/edit?usp=sharing
Feel free to rip them to subatomic ribbons. In a loving way, of course.
How does this make you feel?
What should I read?
I need about 500k worth in total to keep me busy through a couple of long flights. Incomplete and deadfics are okay as long as what's posted so far is good.
>>27894989
"The Numbers Don't Lie" is one of those rare instances in which SSnE doesn't go overboard with overthought narration. It's a pretty solid fic with an interesting premise.
Also, I recommend all of Cold in Gardez's stories. The Glass Blower is one of my favourtie romance fics, if only due to the Victorian style and setting.
I wrote this for another thread that's now in the archive because Applejack is the best, and saddest, pony.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/338134/wishing
>>27895021
>Glass Blower
>Romance
Anon pls.
>>27895154
Hey, the guy was in love. It wasn't his fault that Rarity was so stuck up.
>>27894989
Seconding CiG. Everything.
Equestria from Dust is good. I think. I mostly remember it because the author pitched a fit about not getting featured.
Wyrmlysan is good.
Night is Passing and Composure, also Star in Yellow.
Yours Truly was excellent when I first read it, but it's lost some of its punch since then.
Those are all the ones I can recommend.
>>27894989
FiO: All the Myriad Worlds is a pretty interesting read, though you have to have read FiO first to understand it. Eakin has a gift for getting into the heads of people with very different worldviews. In the same vein, I'd also recommend FiO: Psychopathy is Configurable, also by Eakin.
Memoirs of a Royal Guard, and the whole Quill and Blade verse in general, is the ultimate example of SoL. All the stories in the verse are basically about the daily lives of the characters, with some conflicts and overarching plots to tie it together. A very relaxing read, to be sure, but one without much substance, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
The Arbitrage of Moments is a pretty well-written story, and worth taking a few minutes of your time to finish. I'm not sure if the author truly succeeded in his goal for the story, but it definitely makes for a compelling read either way.
And of course, everything by CiG is good, though Lost Cities and Salvation are my personal favourites, so I'd recommend starting with those, though others may disagree.
>>27894989
>205416
I've been neglecting this for far too long...
>>27894989
those two unencrypted links are triggering my ocd and i dont even have ocd. read those two first
>>27895021
I actually didn't care for The Glass Blower. Sure, it's technically well written, but the plot left a lot to be desired.
>>27894989
>I Forgot I Was There
Is okay, but get ready for a lot of clone melodrama that can sink things.
>The Star in Yellow
Is good, having a nice blend of humor and evil dark magic books.
>Composure
The gold standard of Twilestia fics, but is effectively a deadfic now.
>Asylum
I continue to wait to complete so I know which of the "character wakes up in an insane asylum" endings the author chooses.
>Pest Control
Okay oneshot. Not a whole lot to say other than it's almost entirely a battle between Luna and Chrysalis. Leans more action then drama or suspense.
>try to write a cynical loser with no friends
>either too edgy or too normal
fuck
