[Boards: 3 / a / aco / adv / an / asp / b / biz / c / cgl / ck / cm / co / d / diy / e / fa / fit / g / gd / gif / h / hc / his / hm / hr / i / ic / int / jp / k / lgbt / lit / m / mlp / mu / n / news / o / out / p / po / pol / qa / r / r9k / s / s4s / sci / soc / sp / t / tg / toy / trash / trv / tv / u / v / vg / vp / vr / w / wg / wsg / wsr / x / y ] [Home]
4chanarchives logo
Is this decent? Every day there's blues skies and the
Images are sometimes not shown due to bandwidth/network limitations. Refreshing the page usually helps.

You are currently reading a thread in /lit/ - Literature

Thread replies: 11
Thread images: 3
File: 1268898899280.jpg (1 MB, 1500x1500) Image search: [Google]
1268898899280.jpg
1 MB, 1500x1500
Is this decent?


Every day there's blues skies and the same white cotton tufts of clouds that would crawl across the plasma screened dome in a predetermined path. When first implemented it was a nice change of pace from the dull eggshell white of the hull but after a month of it the residents would crawl from their bunkbeds and peer up from their steaming coffee mugs and hope to see an overcast or maybe a cluster of dark clouds flirting with the false conception that it could rain. Rob Cosgrove had once asked one of the many young computer engineers of his flock why they always had the same goddamn blue skies and happy little puff clouds gliding across the dome. The kid engineer referenced that the psychologists thought that gray clouds could bring about cases of depression in New Dublin. So Cosgrove went to the shrinks and he asked them if they believed monotony would bring more cases of depression compared to a few gray clouds in the false sky every once in a while. They looked at him dumbly and then collectively had a grand conniption and fell into a vapid argument of which famous and ancient psychotherapist said what and they quoted and pouted and rubbed their temples and stroked their goatees at each other in annoyance. The Caliph left the quacks to their work and decided to visit the farm otherwise known as Section 3B otherwise known as estrogen island otherwise known as don't go there during the cycle. On his way to the EM tram he spotted a group of students who had dyed their mandatory white shirts and shoes with stolen food coloring. With authority he demanded who had stole from the people's pantry and who devised such an affront to the city. The students knew enough not to incriminate someone for the act of thievery for it would come with the punishment of expulsion and would be jettisoned back to earth in an uncomfortable one seat shuttle that had a chance of failure once it hit the thick part of earth's atmosphere. Only few knew that the few shuttles that disintegrated were built for failure and were reserved for only the worst of the worst. Mainly pederasts and promiscuous wives that had broken the heart of a man of worth or a man with a friend in the docking bay who enjoyed compromising shuttles with a miniscule hole with a plasma torch. The students were also smart enough to give up the name Joe Filio in order to get the ornery old man of fifty five away from them. Caliph Cosgrove the third of greater great lakes told the punks to let their friend Filio know that he is to report to the his office. He then turned heel and strode off in the direction of the tram. When he reached the terminal which was only an archway that displayed the minutes and seconds of the tram's arrival in bold red light there was a line of white waiting for it and with a salute Cosgrove walked past his citizens and cut to the front. The tram crawled up screeching and squealing and the doors opened and released the stench of recycled air and sweat.
>>
File: 1268899610884.jpg (56 KB, 800x800) Image search: [Google]
1268899610884.jpg
56 KB, 800x800
The Caliph quickly entered and took a seat near the front. When he sat down on the plush sticky seat of the over glorified bullet train he opened his mouth and took a quick spray of an aerosol opioid aptly named 'pain pain goes away'. It was a precautionary spray because he knew that some fool was going to take a seat near him and that gnat was going to attempt a fumbling conversation. It was his five minutes of hell and sure enough it was to begin as a bright eyed young astrophysicist plopped down across from him.
>>
>>7470268
>>7470265
You're a good writer, and you have a pleasant colorful imagination, but you're in too many places at once. I'd like to read more about the things that you mention, but you glaze over almost everything with the same amount of attention.

Format. Put some paragraphs in there so it's easier to read next time.

I wrote what I thought of science fiction here and honestly the same comment applies significantly to what you've posted.
>>7459998
>>
>>7470265
This is decent if a little overwrought.
>>
>>7470265
You're a good writer
However, your word choice is a bit off in some places
>>
>>7470502
I think what you're describing is magical realism.
I get what you mean when you say there are no rules to science fiction but that's kind of the point.
When I used to write science fiction it was because I didn't want to research a bunch of stuff. It's easier to just completely create your own society from scratch.
>>
>>7470559
Thanks man.

Could you give me some examples?
>>
>>7470568
kek
>>
File: 1268899843175.jpg (496 KB, 867x658) Image search: [Google]
1268899843175.jpg
496 KB, 867x658
bump
>>
>>7472232
Rework it. Next critique thread that comes along wait until 10 or 12 posts and then post your edited work.
>>
>>7470265
i agree that it's a little adhd but i don't mind that nearly as much as the faux formal prose.
>for it would come with the punishment of expulsion
> who devised such an affront to the city
you ascribe both thoughts to the students and narrator. compare and contrast with the use of natural language
>Every day there's blues skies and the same white cotton tufts of clouds
>The students were also smart enough to give up the name Joe Filio in order to get the ornery old man of fifty five away from them.
be consistent with your prose. drop the formal words. they're unnatural.
Thread replies: 11
Thread images: 3

banner
banner
[Boards: 3 / a / aco / adv / an / asp / b / biz / c / cgl / ck / cm / co / d / diy / e / fa / fit / g / gd / gif / h / hc / his / hm / hr / i / ic / int / jp / k / lgbt / lit / m / mlp / mu / n / news / o / out / p / po / pol / qa / r / r9k / s / s4s / sci / soc / sp / t / tg / toy / trash / trv / tv / u / v / vg / vp / vr / w / wg / wsg / wsr / x / y] [Home]

All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective parties. Images uploaded are the responsibility of the Poster. Comments are owned by the Poster.
If a post contains personal/copyrighted/illegal content you can contact me at [email protected] with that post and thread number and it will be removed as soon as possible.
DMCA Content Takedown via dmca.com
All images are hosted on imgur.com, send takedown notices to them.
This is a 4chan archive - all of the content originated from them. If you need IP information for a Poster - you need to contact them. This website shows only archived content.