Offering advice
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
48 year old man
Married 24 years
six kids, 2 grown and out of the house
won and lost, succeeded and failed enough to know a few things
Ask away
[had an end-of-month meeting cancel]
>>17085865
do you get happier as you get older?
If you have an adult daughter can you set me up with her?
>>17085865
I'm trying to move into networking-based marketing (I sell life insurance) to generate leads. Any tips on that?
How do you cope with the constant worry of fatherhood
>me trying to start a senpai and am afraid of the possibility of something tragic happening to my kids... I blame the media and the news
>>17085865
Have you ever been unfaithful, or struggled with sexual desire that would hurt someone?
>>17085869
I do. Some people don't.
>>17085870
She is already married, sorry
>>17085873
The usual - join the American Legion, Kiwanis, etc. to build up a network; so to Chamber of Commerce mixers, etc.
>>17085874
That fear just has to be managed; once they start proving how tough they are it gets easier. Also, when they are old enough giving them responsibility makes them act more safely andreassures you, too
A girl I feel very strongly for has approached me and asked me out. I think she's too shy to speak to me face to face and would rather text. Do you have any advice
>>17085885
About 6 months after I got married a girl I had pursued in the past tried to get me to cheat. Once I realized what she was foing I said Hell no and have never really struggled with that idea since.
I'm 23 and never had a girlfriend because I stayed in like an autist on my computer, started going to uni, I do some sport too and i took up guitar playing
What can I improve to finally get a social life ?
>>17085889
Go out with her but take her somewhere where the both of you focus on something else for a while and can talk about that. My oldest son had success with an adult cooking class where they worked together to learn to cook something: she wasn't forced to stare at him and they could talk about the tasks. He kept it light and funny.
That is why dinner and a movie is a classic - you watch the movie while getting used to being next to each other, then can talk about the movie until you are used to talking to each other.
>>17085865
Is it true that as you get older you realize the hype of the world? Not getting so worked up about issues because you have seen it all before?
What's your opinion on sex? Like how do you feel about virginity, promiscuity, casual sex, sex before marriage, necessary experience, people with previous high partner counts, open relationships, infidelity, ect?
Basically, how do you feel is the best way to go about it? It's one of the most, if not the most, talked about and controversial subjects on /adv/, so I'm curious to know what someone with your experience thinks.
>>17085893
Go to places with an excuse to talk to people: book clubs, student groups, etc.
>>17085903
>you watch the movie while getting used to being next to each other, then can talk about the movie until you are used to talking to each other
The words of a sage.....
I read that sentence with the voice of Morgan Freeman.
Learn from this man. He knows what he is talking about.
>>17085907
I was always a calm sort but - yeah.
You learn to tell the difference between 'an actual problem' and 'drama' after a few errors.
Most things are drama
>>17085865
Here goes
>known guy for 6 years
>started as friends became more
>relationship went south after a few months, broke up, rinse repeat til last year
>we always found our way back together
>became friends last year again, things went good until we parted ways in January
>it was a silly argument and I believe the main reason was that he missed me and was frustrated with the fact that we couldn't see each other
>he told me not to contact him, and I never replied to that last message of his
>he's coming here in June I believe, some festival in the city
>thought about going to the UK to see him, perhaps just to leave a message and apologize, not sure
>or is it really just over? It's been 3 months... And I miss him..
>>17085865
Let's say you were 2 years into the marriage and the wife suddenly starts to excuse herself from doing anything but what's neccessary to survive, refuses to work at a fulltime job where she can atleast pay the rent and she turns emotional as soon as you talk to her.
What would you do?
I don't know what happened, she was always a bit on the lazy side but now when she needs to do more she gets batshitcrazy over little things, i love her but only thing that helped recently was threatening her that i will stop loving her eventually.
>>17085927
Oh and i forgot to mention, i am an EE student and close to finishing it, i barely have time to take care of the household at the moment.
>>17085910
Damn.
OK, some disclosure
>I lost my virginity at 16 to a college girl and was a soldier with about 14 total partners by age 22
>My wife was a virgin on our wedding night
I regret not waiting for her, in all truth.
My oldest was a virgin on her wedding night, my sons are all waiting, too.
PERSONAL ANECDOTES FOLLOW:
The three most messed up marriages I know about (as in, violence, abandoning children, running off to South America with the babysitter and all the money, prison for abusing your own kids, etc.) were open relationships at some point. The marriages where the wife lined up a divorce out of the blue designed so she could get the house and enough money to never work again were all women with high N counts.
The marriages I know that have lasted a long time all had people with a partner count of no more than 2 before marriage - most were with a virgin bride and half of those with a virgin groom.
Based on my own life plus the statistics I've seen, I encourage people to wait for marriage.
>>17085921
>is it really just over? It's been 3 months... And I miss him..
say that to him in a voice mail.
Sometimes things end. That's OK, as long as you let them and then move on
>>17085927
>>17085935
She sounds stressed out. I need to know more about lifestyle, though.
Who works? At what? Living arrangements? Schedule?
Usually women play Bartleby when they are overworked and underappreciated, just like men, but sometimes it is because their goals are not being discussed
What would be your advice on dating a girl that has nothing going for her? Shes a cam girl, always says she wants to go back to school but does nothing about it.
Im guessing she depends on me to take care of her later but Im not sure if I want a woman on my neck that does nothing with her life.
Thoughts?
>>17085966
End goals.
When I am ambivalent I thought about my end goals.
Is your plan to marry her (even potentially)?
Or do you want a girl to hang out with, maybe have sex with, while you d other things?
>>17085887
Good suggestions on the networking. I should have specified, however, that our target demographic is blue collar families. I'm working on trying to sit down with small business owners to get to their employees, but that's about all I have been able to muster other than standard word of mouth and talking to a lot of strangers.
good god, i'm SO happy you are back! i was waiting for you, OP!
i have a few questions, i was keeping in my mind for when you are on again. i hope i'm not overwhelming you with them...
i desperately need your advice.
>is 6 months into a relationship too soon to think about marriage and kids?
you said previously, that one should know if you are going to get married after dating half a year. but what about kids? we would wate to have a baby till we're married, but we toy with the idea of getting pregnant before...is this a VERY bad idea?
>what advice can you give me about moving in with someone? how do i make things go smoothly? what are common mistakes i can avoid?
i know you aren't keen on people living together before marriage, but the circumstances would call for me to move in with my fiancee before the actual wedding. we don't want to rush the wedding just because we move in together soon.
and last one:
>how do i tell if the communication in a realtionship is good and if not, how can i improve that?
i know how important it is to keep the lines open. i'm not very good at it, but i'm trying my best and am constantly learning. i'd like to get as much information about this topic as possible. i guess you know quiet a lot about good communication...
thank you so, SO much oldfag!
How much time and money does dating cost? I miss having a girlfriend, but I work a lot and am trying to save up money.
>>17085981
That’s one thing I forgot to add. I don’t want to get married and I’ve made it clear to her several times. She does want to get married and does not want a prenup. Her argument is that "you’re negotiating the end of your marriage before it even began"
So far I don’t see her having any end goals. When I started seeing her she wanted to get a degree in math. That passed, and she wanted to be a massage therapist. That passed, now she wants to be a helicopter pilot.
That’s what throws me off, if she can’t commit to a simple goal, how can she commit to a proper marriage related relationship?
She also offers to buy me expensive shit which I turn down, seems like she wants to buy my affection. Also wears makeup 100% of the time, never seen her without it.
I’m fucking lost here; need input of more experienced oldfag. I just don’t want to get trapped with a shit tier woman and be miserable.
>>17085865
How do I know if she is the one?
>>17085987
Try Zoom and see if you can talk to the local unions. Chamber of Commerce is really good for the SMB space
i broke up wit my first serious girlfriend (i lost my virginity to her)
the relationship was on long distance
anyways
i still dream of her months later as well as think about her, even though i broke up with her
and in the dreams it appears that she is either fully contempt with herself/new lover, that she fucks somebody else and that she turned a new leaf completely forgetting about my existence
i mean shit the time we spent together we did a lot of memorable shit and smoked a lot of weed
i wish i smoked a lot less when i was with her because god damn the more time passes the more i miss having a girl love me with every fiber of her body and adore me
i miss that shit shit, the longer the time frame since our break up, the more i miss her
i do not contemplate trying to get back with her because that would be a dumb decision for many underlying reasons
>>17085964
She is indeed stressed out, the thing with her is that since a year or so she acts like carrying or walking stairs is impossible, she used asthma as an excuse, doctors said no, ten she switched over to blaming anxiety problems.
She works at a fairly easy clothing store job (says it herself that it is easy). She works for 5 hours daily, the rest of the day she is just on her phone, if i talk about that she usually gets angry or agrees but doesn't change anything.
She came from a problematic family situation, could handle herself really well before and did not have problems resulting from that, nowadays she uses everything as an excuse even if it doesn't make any sense in the slightest.
Her goals in life are clear and she has no doubts about them.
We also live more in a way that she has the pants on in the relationship, which worked well but now i feel like i gave her a comfort zone and she searches the easiest way out serious conversations and makes use of me.
Ofcourse i have talked about everything with her already, she doesn't seem to be bothered.
Thanks for your time, i appreciate it.
>>17085988
Marriage before kids is always a good idea; at least engaged with ring and a date. That commitment seems to make a really big difference..
Living together before marriage seems to be a bad idea but if it isn't for too long...? I suppose, although if you WANT to get married and CAN get married - why wait?
What the wife and i do is twice a week after I get off work we go to the front porc. I have a whickey, she has wine, I light a cigar. And we talk about wnything with the rule of 'this is where and when we bring up things that are hard to talk about'. Bi extreme language (no 'never' or 'always', etc.), no yelling, no cursing.
Guess what? After the first few times we are so used to it we legit don't get upset about stuff like we used to.
Also, remember - telepathy isn't real. If you don't ask, you don't know., If you don't say, they don't know.
>>17085994
Depends?
>Opera and michelin star food? $$$$$$$
>TV and home made pasta with sauce? $
You can make a cheap date romantic, so....
>>17085998
Sounds like a mismatch - you want fun and no commitment, she wants a lot more.
I suggest you focus on someone with similar goals.
>>17086004
Think you can put up with her for 5 more years?
>>17086007
>Try Zoom
The video conferencing software?
>local unions
That's traditionally been our bread and butter, but it's starting to dry out, which is why I'm looking into other things.
I'm trying to use churches for lead generation. I remember that you're religious. Do you think this would be a good idea?
>SMB space
That's a great idea, and I think I know someone with the right connections. Thanks, have a good one.
>>17086008
Regret is OK. It means you have learned things. Focus on knowing how you need to be different in your next relationship and don't dweel on specifics too much.
>>17085948
Your personal experience fits what I observed in the people around me as well. I literally know zero divorced couple. I used to think I live in a weird town considering what I usually see on the internet and television.
>>17086012
Gut reaction - she needs you to take charge. Lead the family, make the big decisions, pay the bills, etc.
At the same time, talk to her about your future together, ask her to help you plan things for 2-3 years down the road.
Sometimes when we are working on a lot of little things we get so head down someone has to help us look up and out.
Oh! and some nice touches - flowers for no reason. a small gift. Grab some fresh pasta and such and surprise her by cooking a meal she expected she would need to make.
And if you are head down at the end of school make sure you stay positive and upbeat, too.
There was a great line from a short story about marriage and responsibility. it is like a heavy ball. Sometimes you both carry it, sometimes one of you carries it. Sometimes it is your turn to give the other a break, but they'll take it back.
>>17086032
no, this
https://www.zoominfo.com/loginv
>Churches
Sure - getting added to the bulletin as an ad is usually very inexpensive. You could even talk to the pastor or priest about hosting a fundraiser where you offer food in return for donations (which go to a charity) and in return for you passing out cards, etc., you also make a small donation
Good luck!
>>17086016
>That commitment seems to make a really big difference
yes, i'd definitely wait till we have a ring and a date. it's just that we'd like to "time" the birth slightly. and otherwise we'd have to wait a whole year more. and we don't want to wait so much longer.
well, since will already move this summer and in autumn, my finacee will have to go to the military for a while, we don't want to have a wedding inbetween all this. it would be a big mess. we both plan to only get married once, so we want it to be special an not "inbetween and rushed".
awww, that's a cute tradition! we have etablished a ritual, where we ask about what made us happy/was uplifting and what made us sad/was not so good today, before falling asleep. i really like that. and often times, it leads to long talks.
but i know i'm prone to bottle up if something is really bothering me. then i can't seem to get the words out of my mouth. it has never happened yet, but i know from a previous relationship and my communication "skills" in general, that i sometimes do this. i don't want it to ruin that awesome relationship we have. how do i get over that? i have no idea...
>>17086053
This reply means a lot to me, thanks anon.
Sometimes i don't really see a future together when we argue and beginn to lose hope but i will definitely focus with her on what our future actually has in store and try to make her look forward to it instead.
Hope i get to see you on here again to report back to you.
>>17086063
Try writing a journal - if you get something bottled up you will be used to writing it down in the journal then you could email it....
>>17086073
Good luck and focus on the good
>>17086074
>email it
hm, i never thought of it that way. seems like a good idea. after all, it doesn't matter THAT much how you communicate, as long as you do tell what is on your mind. might be a good way to get used to talking about "unpleasant" things in person. thanks so much for that idea!
how do i tell if something is worth "talking about"? if something bothers me, i like to sleep over it and see if it is still bothering me. problem is, i sometimes find so many excuses for other peoples actions that i decide to not adress it. this doesn't seem like a really good approach. it mostly ends with me not saying anything. do i need to lear to adress things on the spot?
>>17086037
I mean you're right, but this girl was incredibly different from the rest, and I think I keep searching for girls that share her qualities. She was so specific and unique in a way. She didn't care about what anybody thought of me or her, and she was fully invested and loving (Naming one of the numerous qualities she possessed). This is taking her faults/issues out of the equation.
That's why I seem to reflect on specifics.
I guess the only solution is to go out and find a girl.
How do I get over the fact that my bf was extremely selfish in bed in the beginning of our relationship?
Often times he'd come over, we'd hang out, then he would initiate sex, either penetration or oral. But he would direct all all the focus on himself and when he was done he would often leave(he had band practice most days) or he would be too tired to give me any sexual attention.
Since then I have complained numerous times and he has apologized and tried to change. He focuses more on me now and tries to help me cum. Occasionally he still doesn't return the favor which irks me but he says "some days I am tired, and I wouldn't make you return the favor if you were tired too". I know he loves me. And he has tried to change and please me and learn more about my body. But I still feel like I could be getting more attention and the fact he made me feel so useless in the beginning is really hard to let go of. I know he cares about me though and he's trying his best, but still... every time I think about it being treated that way I get pains in my heart. How do I let go of the past?
>>17086087
Little things bother us for little reasons.
For example, my wife always pushes toothpaste from the top of the top, so I have to work it up from the bottom.
I mentioned this to her a few times and she didn't change.
Is toothpaste worth it?
Not to me. I deal with it.
If it isn't something you can ignore, talk about it.
>>17086093
You guess right.
Good luck!
>>17086106
So you're upset because you're boyfriend didn't want to eat you out at the BEGGING of your relationship.
1) He has his preference. A lot of guys are simply not into. So the fact that he let that go and decided he wanted to apply extra effort because he loves you is something.
Judging by how you formulated this:
>Since then I have complained numerous times
That means you didn't even tell him that not getting your pussy played with displeases you at that point in time.
>>17086125
i really fail to judge if something is ignorable or not. i wish there was a list...
i have no problem to maturely adress things like "can you press the toothpaste differently" and get over myself if that's just the way they do things. where i fail is adressing something like "i'm not comfortable with that one female friend of yours".
>>17086106
People grow and change. Think of how much you have grown for him.
Sometimes we give A but get B back in return.
And sometimes it isn't enough and we have to move on.
Sorry, but you will have to figure out if this is 'he was growing', 'you are growing, too', 'his love is more than enough' or 'time for a change'.
>>17086137
then default to talking about more things.
Personally, I appreciate my wife's input on people - she sees things in others that I miss.
>>17086138
Thanks. You sort of answered another issue I had with him. This is a good way of looking at things that I will try.
>>17086143
alright. i think i just have to get over myself. practice makes perfec. thanks, oldfag!
>>17085865
Off to lunch, back later
>>17085865
Married Oldfag, thanks so much! Married Oldcunt here.
Have you had to deal with any sexual dysfunction yet? If yes, how did you and your wife handle?
>context: married for almost 20 years, husband is in his 40s. Great sex life, but last year, he had pain when getting erections and for a few months, couldn't stay hard in me
>we switched to thinner condoms, and things are fine now, but I hesitate to have rough sex with him because I'm worried about injuring his boner. he won't see a urologist re: Peyronie's potential
We'll figure things out, but I was wondering whether you and the missus have started to run into any age-related sex issues and if so, how you dealt?
>>17086022
Well, that's certainly a good point, but I mean that I work 50 to 60 hours per week, so I was more concerned about time than anything else.
Oldfag, was your wife ever insecure about your number of partners compared to her zero partners? How did she deal? How were you able to make such a drastic change yourself in terms of monogamy?
>>17086341
No, haven't run into that, but painful erection = see the freakin' doctor. Could be anything from an infection to cancer!
>>17086391
Then TV plus home cooking is best - you can prep ahead and eliminate a lot of travel time, too
Dear oldfag, I always read your threads. I also love giving advice, but I think I'm not qualified. How do I stop feeling so compelled to give advice all the time? Alternatively, is there a way to make myself qualified? I'm 29 with a college degree and some psychology courses but still can't support myself and have never had a significant other.
I want to help people, but I'm partially bedridden, so volunteering isn't an option. Are there other ways to help someone from home?
>>17086397
She is aware and we deal with it by me not mentioning it.
>Funny story - the men in my family are all blond until they are 12-14 when most of us have our hair darken. I was a tow head at 3 and had jet black hair at 16
>Our 13 year old has had his dair darken a lot in just 4 months and I mentioned to him
>"Girls like a guy with dark hair. I have no idea how many girls told me how much they loved my black hair"
>My wife coughs
>"It was exactly one - your mother, of course"
I make sure she knows she is the only one for me
The transition was easy - she's hot and we have sex often, so....
I'll be able to make ~$45,000 working 20 hours a week. Should I work part time or full time? Just about to graduate from University and i'm wary of going from such a relaxed environment into such a shitty one. However that's life time earnings i'll never be able to get back
>>17086420
Give advice! As long as you are honest about who you are and what you think, so what? I mean, we're all just Some Guy On The Internet!
>>17086426
What is the money for?
If you are just living, figuring out your future, and relaxing, either way is great.
If you want a wife and kids, work more and invest.
At the end of your life I doubt you regret more time out of the office.
>>17086429
Thanks. I just worry about ruining someone's life with bad advice, but I am honest about who I am.
>>17086424
That's a comforting story. Thanks man!
What is it like to grow old? You concerned about your life in the next few decades?
>>17086435
Whatver I want it to be for. I suppose saving up for retirement and moving out. I"m 23 and getting a full time job for the first time and working 40 hours a week seems awful. I did it for 2 months and it sucked but it seems like theres some shame for working part time.
I do want a wife and kids but i'm too young for those now. I know one day i'll have them (hopefully) but it's hard to motivate myself to work for something so far in the future.
>>17086444
Just give advice by telling your thoughts, relating experiences, asking questions. It shouldn't be "Definitely do this, it is literally the only correct thing for you to do because I am right."
Plus plenty of people just want to talk about how they feel and be understood. Some need encouragement more than advice.
>>17086411
Yah, that's what I said! And I even screened urologists for him. Thanks :)
Currently going to therapy, feel like im going nowhere in life and everyone is passing me. No longer like what i thought could be my job.
How do i find something i love that i can live off of?
>>17086460
Alright, that's pretty much what I do. Thank you too anon.
>>17086444
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEv0lJa0zYQ
>>17085865
Ever cheated?
>>17086450
It is - interesting
I mean, I'm not even 50 so I am not old, just older.
But I am not as fast as I used to be and need more sleep. So far, though, it is a good deal.
>>17086459
Don't worry about part-time, just do what works best for you right now and relax.
>>17086489
Keep trying different things. Most guys my age have changed careers 2-3 times and enjoy it
>>17086519
Nope.
>>17085865
My time is almost up
Thanks for all the interaction!
In December I developed a serious Respiratory Infection, Lost my job, got evicted, was denied unemployment, and my girlfrend dumped me in the span of a week.
I'm recovering now. Working out, changed diet, started going to a church, volunteering, working, reading more. I want to join the military again and am working towards that while I train and practice driving to get my license.
I just feel down every day. I look back at how far I have fallen and it hurts. I smile and am social, but inside I am hurting still. I am just looking for some general advice. Something to keep me going.
Getting married is the biggest shill desu. This is not a question, this is me giving my advice to the decent anons of this thread.
Getting married is a responsibility, and your wife will be a liability and an emotional storm drain.
Having kids isn't fun, and takes up a ton of your resources.
Buy a large house, drive your dream car around an elegant city, travel the world, learn to play an instrument, learn a language, make connections with important people. Hell, earn your pilots liscense if your really want. Become fulfilled. Guys with families are not fulfilled in the vast majority of cases, and marriages typically end up loveless.
>>17087656
Any recommendations on an instrument and language?
>>17085865
op please answer this one
>>17087644
>>17087669
I'm doing guitar and Russian.
Get a teacher for both of them, would be my secondary advice.
No real question
But since you're a father
What do you want in a son? Im 25 and I'm having some real issues with scheduling, for a while I had enough free time and now I have less and my father retired so HE has alot now, and I know it's boring but I am getting all sorts of mixed messages. Before, he wanted me to work work work why have fun must work am young young work now he thinks a lunch break is not enough.
It sort of hurts because, well, I'm not an idiot, I know his new extra time and retirement gives him new perspective so perhaps he's valuing more bonding, but I also have absolutely not even started my life for real, hell I'm still single so I imagine a girl will make it much more worse, and if I spent as much time with him as he wants, it will be all day and in 10 years I will be in the exact same position.
I mean, do I have to find him some part time work or hobby? I hate to even speak like this because he's not a child nor is he developing dementia, but I don't know how to make this transition easier
How did you meet your wife? I'm 19, I'm having trouble meeting women, I've never been in a relationship before. Need tips in achieving one. I've heard it all before, but it might be beneficial hearing advice from someone like yourself.
Is depression something you can get over and goes away eventually, or is it something that stays forever and can only learn to cope with. How do you deal with it, if you deal with it at all?
Also, how important is it for you to have a sense of direction in life and having goals set out for yourself to accomplish? Does it really matter that much if you don't know what you want to do with your life?
