1st:
Be friends for over a year. Get along on all levels. Do lots of stuff together, really "feel" it. Help him with a triathlon (weekends in car, driving around, on my own money), eventually have sex, have minor misunderstanding a few months later, he's not talked to me for over a year.
2nd:
Met on POF. Get along well. Have sex. Still get along well, do things for him like cook dinners, make him lunch, any sex act he wants, tidy up his house, shoulder to cry on, etc. Turn into friends (no sex). He starts to self destruct, I tell him this, he says goodbye.
3rd:
Meet offline. Really likes me, long conversations, do lots of things together. Months later, eventually have sex, all goes well and then radio silence. We see each other in town, I tell him that if he wants to be friends (as he said he did) he needs to give me a little more attention. He can't handle that, I ask him to delete my number. Never see or speak to him again.
Don't men want someone who is a good companion? I try not to be a door mat, just doing kind things because I want to. I'm told I'm decent/above average in bed and I can hold a conversation on multiple topics. I workout, eat well and take care of myself. (Most people think I'm five years younger than I am.) I'm 32 and the guys are 36, 32, 32. I have few friends who are online and not in the same country. I'd like to have a male companion that will be my friend as well as partner. What am I doing wrong?
>>16452988
We can't tell you. You're giving us general things, while misunderstandings/falling out depends on specifics. Did you argue a lot? Were you cold/distant? Were they mentally sound? Did you want them because you need someone to be with you, or because you wanted them to be with you? There's a hundred such questions, and playing guess who with them isn't going to work,
So tell us. What do YOU think was wrong, for each of them.
Either the sex turns them off or you simply are dating the wrong men.
Maybe it's your honesty/bluntness towards pointing out "issues"
>>16452999
Nice trips.
>So tell us. What do YOU think was wrong, for each of them.
1st: I approached him about the misunderstanding, it stayed a misunderstanding and he's never talked to me since. I see him often though. I'd like to say I'm quite hurt that my friendship is worth so little that he didn't want to patch things up.
2nd: He became self destructive. I care about him but I can't watch someone dissolve themselves. Again, I thought my friendship was worth more than "goodbye".
3rd: I just wanted him to text me once or so a week. That was all. I don't think that was much to ask for someone who you're seeing and having sex with.
>>16453002
>Either the sex turns them off or you simply are dating the wrong men.
Personality wise, the three were very different. 1st would be what you'd call an "alpha" - well off, very fit, driven, popular. 2nd was an aloof man going through a separation who has the most toxic friend's circle I've ever seen. 3rd was your Average Joe, did lots of stuff with the boys, would go drinking, but not excessively, fit, but not overly so, goofy and funny-inappropriate but could also have conversations about complex social issues.
Sex:
1st - He seemed to had really enjoyed it. First and only time was a few hours.
2nd - I think it was five hours first time? He was happily exhausted. Liked that I was kinky because he had a lot of shame about his kinks. (Prostate massage, pegging, etc. I'm not personally into that, but I'll give anything a go once.) He'd ask for oral sex a lot.
3rd - Went like bunnies. Blew his mind that I was kinky and was the kinkiest and "one of the best" lays he had.
>Maybe it's your honesty/bluntness towards pointing out "issues"
I am very blunt. I don't know how not to be. However, I don't take things overly serious, can and ask for criticism on my own behaviour and I am not judgemental. (2nd guy cried, has dick and body issues, etc.)
Adding:
1st guy left me, I took it really hard. He was my first real friend I had. I was 31.
3rd I wasn't that broken over.
2nd said goodbye to me recently and I'm just disappointed that I'm so valueless.
My issue is that I have another guy who hangs around me a lot. We'll have lots of conversations about everything. He's very serious and someone who likes his privacy. He's a gentleman and will hold doors open, etc. We've only hugged once. I'm just afraid that this will turn into 4th. I like him as a friend and he's someone I could potentially be with, but I don't know what's happening that all these relationships explode. I'd like to find someone because I may want to have children and if I do, I would need to do so fairly soon. I feel like I should distance myself, but then that's not fair to him because he hasn't done anything wrong.
>>16452988
Bunda
>>16452988
you're taking it all pretty personal. I had some shitty experiences during the last year and i'll be a bit frank about my perspective from those few posts of yours, hope it helps a bit
1. triathletes are slightly psychotic, it comes with the territory. they have zero to no time for a private life and if a love interest causes "problems" or any distraction, they might be quick to dismiss it. sounds harsh but I know a few, and their ideal mate is someone as invested into sports as them.
2. needs to get his life in order. be happy you got away quick. also regarding the sex: it takes a special women for him to be into pegging and such, you don't seem to be it anyhow.
3. "months later, eventually have sex" tells me he wasn't very interested in the first place. he might have hoped for a fwb situation but your confrontation caused him to break it off. "i just wanted him to text me once or so a week" - you wanted a relationship, don't lie to yourself in order to make yourself look less demanding. it wouldn't have come to the confrontation if you were on the same page.
some guys don't see sex the way some women do, as something very intimate. it's healthier not to regard sex as something that comes with strings and regular texts attached, and sometimes not to let your emotions play into it too much (i struggle with that too).
keep trying. also, don't talk yourself into having to "resolve" those issues by trying to tell them how you feel. they seem to have moved on. sometimes it's better to talk that through in your head to keep your sanity, it'll never be as satisfying as you think irl, probably rather embarrassing.
>i may want to have children
some guys can smell that on you, calm down, friends of mine are having kids in their late 30s, no big deal.
What was the misunderstanding with the first one? You said that you tried to talk to him about it but he wouldnt listen, that doesn't really strike me as "minor".
Second one just sounds like a guy going through shit acting rashly. Not worth stressing out too much about it.
Third one, I think there was more going on than what you're saying. You wanted him to give you attention, but you later dumped him, just wanted to be friends but also wanted some space? It all strikes me as you wanted something more serious than him.
>>16453466
Thank you very much
>1
At the time, I was the only one that was helping him. I used my own personal time, vehicle, money to help him. I volunteered for an event to help him. (Which was 3am wake up for me, drive him there, do the event, drive him to his house, made him dinner) I hope that was distracting.
>2
I gave him his first two prostate massages. I listened to him about his body dysmorphia and let him know (and showed him) how fantastic his body (and dick) is. He said he's never told anyone else he was into anal.
>3
He tried to kiss me early one and made it pretty clear he was looking for "girlfriend" material. I waited because I wasn't sure and I didn't want to get attached and burned. Ha. Ha.. Ha...
Sex with me is both. It's something I will only do with someone I trust and like. 2 was strictly fwb and he told me about the other women he'd sleep with and I was okay with that. 3 wasn't into fwb.
>keep trying
I'm pretty distraught over this. It's literally be three guys in a row. (There was a fourth that dropped out but I wasn't attached to him like 1.)
>don't talk yourself into having to "resolve" those issues by trying to tell them how you feel
Could you elaborate? I'm not understanding what you mean.
>some guys can smell that on you, calm down
I don't talk about it at all. I don't indicate that I want it. Even questioning that I MAY want kids is frightening to me. I almost got myself fixed, but opted for an IUD because I wanted to stay intact. (I don't mean to sound so clinical.)
What do you look like physically? Are you attractive?
>>16453555
>misunderstanding
I got tickets to a food event. I had spares and said he could bring friends. I got there early to get a seat. This drunk guy took that as an invitation and was talking and touching me. 1 took an hour to get there (I was expecting 15 minutes at most). I had texted him in that time asking him to speed up the process because of this guy. 1 finally arrives, I'm exhausted from drunk guy, I have no idea how to deal with that situation. I wasn't as friendly and outgoing as I normally was and excused myself about thirty minutes after 1 & Co. arrived. That was Saturday.
Monday he totally blows me off. I wait a week and approach him and he said he wanted me to apologize for embarrassing him in front of his friends. I said I was sorry and explained the reason why and said I sent a text. He said he never received it. I had to go and he's never bother to complete the conversation or make any sort of contact.
>Third one
He came on really strongly at the beginning and I got a bit spooked. I asked him what he was looking for and he said something casual as he wasn't sure if he would have to move for work. I said casual was great. However, I would think a friend who you're doing dinners, movies, events, and sex with, you should make an effort to text once a week to keep things going. Or, if you don't, text something like "so sorry, been busy with x, how are you doing??". Is that too much?
>>16453584
This was March 2014. My hair is longer.
>posting my picture on The4Channel.
>>16453584
>>16453608
This is what my body looked like in January. Not much has changed unfortunately.
You sound like a basket case, OP.
>>16453608
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE PAWS
SOMEONE GET THIS MONSTER OUT OF MY BELOVED CORPS
>>16453620
How so?
>>16453622
?
>>16453627
>>16453608
I wasn't expecting (nor did I ask) for a picture. Feel free to delete it, if that is really you. I was simply wondering whether or not you were physically unattractive (including body type).
For the third one, you entered a fwb relationship and then wanted more. Apparently too much for this guy, so he cut it off.
Has a bf ever said there was anything preventing him from getting close to you? Emotionally? Do you yourself know of any emotional blocks that could be at play?
>>16453627
Ignore the trolling.
>>16453636
I wouldn't that bear to fuck me
>>16453604
>I had to go and he's never bother to complete the conversation or make any sort of contact.
And what's kept you from trying to talk to him after that?
>Or, if you don't, text something like "so sorry, been busy with x, how are you doing??". Is that too much?
You were friends with benefits, emphasis on friends. I don't talk to my friends on a frequent basis, because I'm focusing on other stuff in my life.
>>16452988
OP, I'm a guy and I felt like opening myself up on your thread. I hope you don't mind and I hope maybe this gives you some clarification as well.
I think of myself very socially outgoing, I am also kinda paranoid about my physique and looks.
I play guitar and sing and I'm trying to put my band on local shows and parties. Bottom line I like to be the center of attention without people knowing that I want it.
I broke up this year and met a shitload of girls from everywhere: gym, friends of friends, work, park, clubs, bars, phone apps, whatever.
Being really honest with myself, I think I pursue sex with them just to fill my need of self assuring. I want them to desire me and when this happens, I'm out.
I just can't be bothered to fill their needs. To give them affection.
Sometimes I can't even be bothered to take them out to eat our club before having sex so I just cross them off my list.
And the girls that I actually "kinda liked" had something fucked up with them, I'll throw some examples:
1) great personality and same interests, however body not REALLY fit and my standards are too high
2) crazy hot and horny but really dumb
3) hot, will do anything for me in bed and basically will follow me anywhere and this is pretty much why I lost interest
4) crazy hot, great personality, was still attached to ex and eventually got back
5) hot, good personality, but parties too fuckin hard taking E for 1-2 days
6) fucked a guy I know and this is also off limits to me relationship wise
I think I'm fucked up.
>>16453636
>I wasn't expecting (nor did I ask) for a picture.
I have no idea what I'd be rated. But now you know what I'm working with.
>3
So wanting a text once a week (essentially asking if we'd do anything on the weekend) is too much commitment for a fwb?
>Has a bf ever said there was anything preventing him from getting close to you? Emotionally? Do you yourself know of any emotional blocks that could be at play?
I don't cry. I don't get very angry. If anything, I am probably very clinical about emotional situations (like now) that may throw people off. I don't know how better to do it? 3 said to yell and scream at him but that seemed very silly and unproductive. I talk openly about things. 3 asked me about my childhood and I told him no problem. 2 was comfortable enough with me to apparently get two prostate massages and tell me about his shame regarding his body and sexual fetishes.
>Do you yourself know of any emotional blocks that could be at play?
I friend I see periodically and tell about the shitshow that is my dating life says I don't open up emotionally. I asked him what he meant but he didn't really elaborate. I said that I felt gross because I cried in front of 4 and I don't like doing that to people. (Who wants to deal with a blubbering mess that's not your gf?) I really hope that not being teary eyed in front of people is holding me back from a relationship.
>>16453671
this was very introspective. though I know all of this for years, now I'm realizing I'm wired to get detached if things go right and if it goes wrong, I'll think about it like a missed opportunity.
also I go out every friday, saturday and sunday. this is a fuckin big city and I see the same girls all the fuckin time...
oh forgot one:
7) very very hot but personality wise is very fucked up. "bob marley jack johnson" sort of lifestyle
>>16453671
The more the merrier.
You sound like my 2 but with more charisma. He makes these public posts on FB whining that no one will make him dinner and so forth. He's very attention seeking and it's incredibly transparent. He hangs out with the most shallow vacuous people it blows my mind.
Any thoughts to why you do this?
>>16453680
Nice blog faggot nobody cares
>>16453689
well that is something I would never do. I need attention but I won't flay myself over it or appear that I'm trying to.
also I know a shitload of shallow people but my closest friends are very trustworthy and "socially clever"
The only thing I can come up with is that I think that on my early ages I barely got girls attention and I was not socially skilled though I have a very quick response time.
I was always into sports and I started taking it more seriously after my puberty so it kinda affected my body and I started to draw some attention.
eventually I would grow socially experienced.
>>16453690
even if no one cares, actually writing this shit calms me down
>>16453675
>So wanting a text once a week (essentially asking if we'd do anything on the weekend) is too much commitment for a fwb?
May have been for him. He may have read between the lines as to where the fwb was going, especially with movies (wtf? lol) and such. Such is life with fwb, no excuses necessary. Can't blame him, but don't take it personally (obviously). It's a little odd, however, because you were simply friends for months. What type of connection did you two have within these platonic months?
>I don't open up emotionally
You don't dwell on negativity what about positivity? How often do you have "good times," laughing etc, with SO's? What was your strongest connection?
>best connection was first one
This is kind of weird. You don't act like yourself for one night and he blows you off? After a year+ of dating?
>>16452988
>>16453721
Do you think you'll be able to have a relationship?
>>16453735
>3
We would go and do things out doors. He asked me to the lake once and we were floating on the lake and I said I was cold and wanted to go back and he took forever (he had the paddles) to get back. He liked being physically close to me when we were in public. (No hand holding though.)
>what about positivity?
2 would always tease me about my positivity. Even when I'm down, like I am now, I know that I have a roof over my head, Internet, the ability to read and write, a fridge full of food, a job, etc. I feel that comes through with my interactions. I definitely get rant-y, but when I do, there's a smile on the other person's face.
>>16453735
>You don't act like yourself for one night and he blows you off?
Yes. I had to see a professional about that one. I feel very worthless. Like, we spent all that time and I did all those things for and with him, but that was what ended it? Regardless who was right, I was obviously not worthwhile to patch things up. He was the one that changed my mind about having kids. I would have moved to his home country and had kids with him. And he left me. The reason why I didn't want kids was that my father was emotionally removed from my mom and me and I don't want to raise a child by myself with a shell of a man. Fuck I suck.
>>16453780
I don't think you suck at all. On the contrary, so far I have been reading the thoughts of a kind hearted person that is simply going through a tough batch.
I truly wish you well and hope you find the happiness that you seek, you deserve it.
>>16453790
Thank you. I really appreciate it. Really.
>so far I have been reading the thoughts of a kind hearted person that is simply going through a tough batch
That's what my friends have said. I try to be fair in telling what happened. However, this has been a continuing thing for the last two years. I had two other guys who just dropped off the face of the Earth, even after having nice dates with seemingly happy conversation. (Granted, the one was allergic to pets so I was actually a bit relieved.) I am very thankful, but it's frustrating because I'm so vanilla, "there's nothing wrong" so that means I don't have something I can work on to improve myself for the future.
>>16452988
OP's picture kind of reminds me of this.
>>16453780
>my father was emotionally removed
Okay this is starting to make more sense. Tell me how accurate I am. Because of your father, you are attracted to guys who are emotionally distant. This would explain why you wanted something more from fwb #3. This, on it's own, isn't much to worry about. This has happened to many females.
This would also explain why #1 was quick to break off, the relationship was not as close as you thought it was. Reading what you wrote, it's very unusual for a relationship of more than a year to end so abruptly, but not so for a fwb or an emotionally distant relationship. In short, the relationship was not as close as you thought it was. This somewhat makes sense that you have a bad read on what one is, seeing as you did not grow up with one.
In your OP, you post all the things you did for your SO's, but little of what you got in return. You also write that you are very positive, almost to a fault, and that the men basically disappear.
You need to change your behavior, or you will get the same results. You need to properly vet your suitors. Question if THEY meet YOUR standards, if they are fulfilling your needs etc. Is this something that you do? If they treat you right, etc.
I think you had it right with #3, do the same. "Date" for a couple of months, but nothing more. Those who are interested in something long term will stick it out. But don't start it on the premise of fwb. From the get go say you are looking for something serious, as it seems so. Once #3 said he wanted something casual, you should have moved on. It's clearly not what you wanted. Many would have. There is nothing wrong with that.
>>16453780
>I feel very worthless.
He essentially saw your relationship as such. The relationship was unequal. But such relationships take two. Remember your friend said that you are emotionally unavailable. It would make sense that you would attract others who were also emotionally unavailable. But somewhere deep down you want more out of your relationships. Something about you may be communicating either a lack of connection or a neediness. Something that makes men think it's okay to simply move on as if you two had nothing. I think this stems from your parents, and you are basically mimicking whatever was going on there. Or it is at least having some sort of pervasive effect. Anyways, my advice still stands. "Date" for a couple of months and nothing more, but let it be known that you want something serious. In those months, try and truly gauge where you think the relationship will go. What type are you attracted to? The silent type? Warm and nice guys?
>>16453847
Thanks for the giggle.
>>16453860
>3
I only wanted a text once a week or so, essentially asking if we were going to hang out/get nekkid on the weekend. I don't think that's wanting more. I also wasn't too upset when he left, more sad because I quite enjoyed conversing with him.
>#1 was quick to break off, the relationship was not as close as you thought it was
I personally think we were very close, but that's just my perspective. I'd like to think it's accurate as 1 and I had really intimate conversations that you wouldn't have with just anyone.
>In your OP, you post all the things you did for your SO's, but little of what you got in return. You also write that you are very positive, almost to a fault, and that the men basically disappear. You need to change your behavior, or you will get the same results.
That makes me sad. I want to be with someone who I want to wait on hand and foot. (And get the same in return.) I want to have someone to make meals for, to be submissive for and help them achieve things. (Daddy issues anyone??)
>You need to properly vet your suitors. Question if THEY meet YOUR standards, if they are fulfilling your needs etc. Is this something that you do? If they treat you right, etc. I think you had it right with #3, do the same. "Date" for a couple of months, but nothing more.
I can do that. The issue I have though is I don't want them to become attached and then I'll feel bad ending it (or it'll ending up self destructing like 1-3. I don't think my ego can take more.)
I have 4 who I've known for a year now. We talk constantly. I make him lunch occasionally and he will bring me gifts. (Just small tokens, like a vintage MLP as I collect them.) I'm so afraid of a repeat that I messaged him tonight asking for some space. I enjoy his company and if I didn't have it, I'd only have my co workers and Skype friends to talk to.
How would I date and not be a tease? I need an emotional connection to go to bed with someone.
>>16453923
I really appreciate you sticking with me here.
>Remember your friend said that you are emotionally unavailable.
He didn't really go into the details. I talk openly about personal subjects (like when 3 asked me about my childhood, I told him, even though it's not sunshine & lollipops) - is that not being emotionally open?
>Anyways, my advice still stands. "Date" for a couple of months and nothing more, but let it be known that you want something serious. In those months, try and truly gauge where you think the relationship will go. What type are you attracted to? The silent type? Warm and nice guys?
Assuming you haven't answered >>16453926 since typing this, is it okay to date and withhold sex? I don't want to have sex with someone who will just leave. It makes it worthless. I'm scared of dating someone knowing it's not going to go anywhere. I tried dating more than one person at a time but I can't do it. I don't want to waste either of our times when I could be looking for someone else. I would also feel horrible dating A person and B person comes around and is "better" and go see you later A. I like this guy, 4, and I don't want to see someone else as he's "put in the time" with me and if I do see someone, either he or the other will get hurt. (I think I'm cart>horsing here.)
>What type are you attracted to?
1 and 3 were better as they were more friendly and better conversationalists than 2. They could also banter with me. I want someone who will go to the gym (1) and who will go and have his own time (3) with his own friends so that things stayed fresh. (I had a relationship where we were attached to the hip and it got stale.)
I feel much better about this now. I feel that I have more of a goal now.
>>16453926
>That makes me sad.
No you misunderstand me. You need to change your behavior in who you attract and date. What you write is ultimately where you want the relationship to be at. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's actually great. Just make sure you actually ARE getting the same in return. This is your ultimate goal. To not be too much too soon and end up getting hurt.
>How would I date and not be a tease?
Tell them you want to be friends first, and maybe something more will happen.
>is that not being emotionally open?
This is something you need to work on. We ALL lack self reflection, it's why you are posting. It's tough to work on yourself. I think if you really did have an emotional connection, #1 would not have happened. Unless, of course, this is all chance. But you are right, I cannot gauge what level of connectivity you had. Only you can, and therefore this may be something to work on. Something to be more attuned to.
When I was saying date, in your case, I meant as friends with the possibility of something more down the line. Keep it platonic at first, to avoid #3 happening again.
>I tried dating more than one person at a time but I can't do it.
Nothing wrong with that.
>What type are you attracted to?
I meant overall in the big picture. All you wrote is that you like guys who go to the gym, nothing wrong with that. But I meant what personality type. Shy and quiet? Extrovert? Jerks?
>I feel that I have more of a goal now.
This is another sticking point I feel you may have. Try and be more goal oriented. Am I getting what I want out of this relationship? Does this person appreciate the things I do for them? Etc.
>>16454029
>This is your ultimate goal. To not be too much too soon and end up getting hurt.
So hold off on doing things until further down the road?
>I think if you really did have an emotional connection, #1 would not have happened.
He talked to me about wanting to make amends back home to an old girlfriend. Another girlfriend he told me cleaned him up after he got drunk, took a bath and puked and passed out in the bath. A few weeks later, she met him at the airport in a trench coat & lingerie with a hotel room booked and he dumped her a week later. Guess those were my warning signs, but I had hoped he had grew as a person. (I estimate it was ten years ago that those took place and he seemed genuinely reflective in telling me.)
>All you wrote is that you like guys who go to the gym,
My last long term relationship didn't shower, didn't brush his teeth and was very sloth. It's skewed my standards. I'm really happy with anyone who has above average hygiene.
>Try and be more goal oriented.
I definitely have a hard time with goals. I just don't want to get someone attached and then go nope, not going to work. I want someone who takes care of themselves (a friend set me up with a very well spoken man, but he was overweight (30+bmi) and I felt terrible for not wanting to pursue it further). I also want someone who is passionate about various things, especially needs to have passions that I don't have so there's something fresh, who does things outdoors, who is kind, is a gentleman (I'd love a 1950's relationship), has a dedicated set of friends that are not mine, isn't easily angered (my father would anger easily), a pet would be a bonus as it would show responsibility, someone who can banter (I love arguing that leads to naked times), can tolerate scary movies so I have someone to cuddle when I watch them, will go to bed (actual sleep) with me and not work all night like unhygeine guy. A steady job and a house would be needed too.
>>16454133
Honestly I don't think you are going through anything radically different from a typical female. Maybe be less giving (at first) and see how giving they are? How responsive and appreciative they are? How one person stuck it out while the others bailed? Etc. This does not mean the relationship cannot be what you want it to be further down the road. But if your friends are telling you are emotionally unavailable, and if your father was, this is a sticking point to watch/work on, because it can backfire like it did with #1.
>So hold off on doing things until further down the road?
Yes I think so. Like with #3, except no fwb. Tell them, "friends first." Take it slow. The ones who are serious will be the ones that stick around. If you don't change you will get the same results.
>I just don't want to get someone attached and then go nope, not going to work.
But in the process you are getting hurt. It's about balance. This is why you tell them: "friends first" or "I like to take things slow." It's a vetting process, but they get a fair warning. This is pretty common.
I think you are settling too soon. Take a look at the list you wrote and then at your past relationships. Work on that. Work on saying: "thanks but no thanks," and moving on. This could also be a sticking point for you. Easier said than done, I know. Working on oneself, and pushing oneself is never easy, but it's sometimes necessary. Do you want to be someone who settles with some slob for decades because it's easier than "offending" someone. Is it really? You are the one choosing what kind of life you lead and who you date.
>>16454223
>How responsive and appreciative they are? How one person stuck it out while the others bailed? Etc.
I will do that.
>But if your friends are telling you are emotionally unavailable, and if your father was, this is a sticking point to watch/work on
Do you have any advice, tips or websites that would help me not come on too strongly but remain open? I'm having a difficult time understanding what I do that makes me emotionally closed. I talk openly about all personal topics and I do acts of service (house tidying, lunches, etc). I don't know how that makes me emotionally closed. The friend who told me I wasn't open didn't elaborate so I've been stumped.
>I think you are settling too soon.
This.
I think my last relationship was so bland, that I'm happy with anyone who is above average fit and showers daily. I guess I feel rushed because I'm old (32) and even though I'm very unsure about children, I don't want old age to take that choice away from me. (I don't want to have kids in my forties and when they're twenty, I'll be sixty, that's not fair to them.)
>Do you want to be someone who settles with some slob for decades because it's easier than "offending" someone. Is it really?
Ha, jokes on you! My last relationship was ten years with the guy who couldn't be bothered to shower or brush his teeth.
I feel much better about everything now. I was honestly holding back tears all day because I was so frustrated over all this. I can't thank you enough. (Do you collect Pepes?) I will have to ask my friend more about what he means by saying I'm emotionally closed and figure out how to balance FRIENDS first and being open.
>>16454271
>Do you have any advice, tips or websites that would help me not come on too strongly but remain open?
It's a learning process. The "tips" would be what I wrote above, saying you wish to be friends and maybe more later on. You have to learn how to be the one who sets the pace. When the time is right, etc. None of this is easy. Welcome to the world of dating. If you are too strict with your requirements it's also bad. Too low and you settle. It's a process.
>I'm having a difficult time understanding what I do that makes me emotionally closed.
This may be inaccurate. Maybe it's because you are content with settling in emotionally unfulfilling relationships, but you yourself are not closed off. Maybe you yourself are open, perhaps even too much, while not expecting much of a connection in return leaving yourself vulnerable. This may even be more true seeing as how you are seen as being very positive.
Don't be too hard on yourself. At least it was just ten, and not forty! Consider it a lesson learned. Like I said it's all a process and a learning experience, and everyone learns (adapts) at their own pace. People become single in their sixties. People have kids and then divorce, etc. Relationships are messy and no one is perfect.
>>16454370
Maybe it's because you are content with settling in emotionally unfulfilling relationships... while not expecting much of a connection in return leaving yourself vulnerable
Wow. Such accurate. Many right. Thank you for writing this. I try to self reflect a lot and sometimes you miss stuff, or aren't able to articulate it, so I'm not able to understand and work on it. I think you're very accurate that I'm content with settling with emotionally unfulfilling relationships. I didn't have my parents emotionally growing up and I had no friends to bond with. It's going to be hard to stop myself, but I'm really happy now it has a name and I can start working on this. I have a lot to think about.
Thank you for sticking with me here. I've been spinning my wheels for months and it would have taken me quite a while to get to where I am now. I've finished my dinner and will have to get ready for bed soon. I can't thank you enough for your time and hope your night/afternoon/morning goes well. Kindest regards ~
Are you still here, op?
I don't feel like typing too much for no reason at all.
>>16454952
I'm still here.
>>16454952
>>16455570
I've got the thread bookmarked and will check back regularly all day. If it gets archived, feel free to email: hello_fit at nospammail dotnet
This is going to be so fucking long. I'm no god about relationship, but I want to give a hand here, so please be direct with me.
You don't really have to work for somebody for them to accept you or want you, because the idea of what people want is different, and even worse, some of them don't even know what they want and commint to relationships that never had a chance to work because the base (both knowing what eachother wants and realizing how the relationship is working for each one) is simply not there. You asked if men do want a good companion or not, but it's simplier than that, what people (not just men or women, just people) want is things that fit their needs, whatever they might be, and you can give yourself an idea of what some people want but you need to see everything for the point of view of the people you are dealing with, and you do that paying attetion to what they are looking for, if you fit what they want or if you are willing to pull out with things that you don't like about them. If there is a point where one or both of the partners stop behaving in a way the're comfortable with just for the sake of the relationship, then that relationship better solve all your fucking problems (most likely will not) because is the only thing that you have worked for with your life decitions. For a relationship of two, you need three things working on: your happines, his/her happines, and the relationship working along between you two.
>>16453466
>1. triathletes are slightly psychotic, it comes with the territory. they have zero to no time for a private life and if a love interest causes "problems" or any distraction, they might be quick to dismiss it. sounds harsh but I know a few, and their ideal mate is someone as invested into sports as them.
You almost say this like it's a bad thing, although maybe I'm wrong. I'm not even very athletic myself, but I do have a lot of hobbies and things I do in my free time, and
>spending hours and hours with some girl who needs constant emotional attention and validation, meanwhile she can't even jointly partake in my hobbies and interests, and has no interest in doing so. She just wants to be pampered and catered and adored and treated as special and made to feel "loved" and that's it
Is not particularly appealing to me. Like I'm not even saying OP had that issue or that no girl can EVER feel insecure or needy, but feeling like I have to attend to their own damned "emotional needs" 24/7 is incredibly draining. Take it from someone who's been there. There's a reason I heavily prioritize hobbies and goals over finding and keeping love right now.
If you sacrifice too much of yourself (or ask other to change for you in such a way that they might think the sake of the relationship is not worth it for them anymore), then you break the point of being in the relationship in the first place because the one inside the relationship might not end up being the one that wanted to have a companion (as before getting togheter) and the relationship can collapse. When that happens, you need to understad that nobody owns you anything for your "sacrifice", nor that you should work for the sake and happines of others. You can do it, but that is not the point of a mutually caring relationship, It's a mees that unbalance the relationship and might not even create a situation where a relationship could flowrish at all because is so one sided. Even if you want to help them, you need to undersand the person you are talking with, see what's the source of their feelings and thoughts are, and also see what they truly see in you so you can judge if everything you are doing for them is worth it for what you are going to recive (if anything). There is some confusion to me when you say that you are nice because you like it and then asking why people don't want you or valorice you enough; the source of the second statement is against the first that implies that you are doing it for yourself, but it sounds that you are doing for what other people can end up doing for you in the end, [[Cont...]]
or you are just dissapointed that people don't see relationships as something like you are doing to them. Again, measure what you are getting into. You said that the 2nd was in a situation where you were not comfortable with. That's good enought, you don't have to pull out with other people's shit if you don't want to, but the detail is that the very attitude of just saying "goodbye" to you for not being what they want/ed at that point can also be aplied to every degree. Being nice is not a big deal for many people, it does not matter if they see the effort put in other people's actions or not, it does not end up there, because they can still not care about what you are looking for with those actions even if they see that you are exploding your own ass doing it.Don't missundertand that, because it seems that is getting you into plenty of troubles right there. How much is worth to the 1st guy your actions of getting into an argument with him, and what it means to him that it was a misunderstanding and not a unbased fault that you are just simply bitching about; add to this the comparison between those actions and what you have doing for him for so long; add to this what you see in someone who does not communicate and does not see the source of the actions to the point that he makes a big deal about an misunderstanding. With this first guy is even worse, wait for it.
That tells me that there might have been some things that you did not see that put you in a situation where you were basically working for somebody without seeing how he has been seeing the relationship and how much and, more importantly to you, from what point of view he was seeing you as a person when you were being with him. You decided to stop being close to 2nd, were hurt by the lack of importance he put in your relationship with him, but pay attention to what decitions he has made to chose the people he was hanging out with, how much they were worth for him, why he decided to keep being with and what you represented between he and what he wanted. If you want to see the reason behind how little you were worth for him at that point, see that you've not said what's the source of him making his decitions, so it seems to me that you never had an idea of what you were fighting for and against with (his friends, his own problem, etc). Notice how you are judging how much the relationships where worth it to them but <from your point of view>, again, they don't have to do shit just because you think you were what they should see has good, because you are saying this from your point of view and you need to put yourself in their perspective; this is really imporant when you want to know
people, and it goes from helping them (like realize that the people they decide to hang out with is fucking them up for no good at all, at least not adressing the source of the issue that made them choise that terrible decition, like chosing to have 30 shitty-blood-sucking people to hang out with than feeling alone, etc), to prevent them from fucking you up, and all the way to just being with them or simply decide if you want to hang out with such people at all. From your point of view, 1 and 2 did not valoralize your company and help, but if you don't see what they see from their point of view, you are shooting at the air expecting to land in their head, and they don't even see the bullet if there is no communication of those problems between you two, giving them a fix (like attention, or adressing body issues, or even just giving them a blowjob is going to achieve shit if the source of their problems goes beyond your opinion about them or your affection.)
You need to pay attetion to what they see in you and how they think they should (under their own moral and thoughts) be towards you for your actions. Just see what you've put in this thread about 1st guy: you said that you were uncomfortable with that drunk guy, and not only he does not care about you but also trow shit at you for making him feel embarased with his friends. First thing first, he never adressed how you were feeling, that alone should've give you an idea of what kind of person you were dealing, that you tried to apologise, If he truly did not see the comment about you feeling uncomfortable, you might've wanted to be sure about that, but even like that he could've tried to ask you about your side of the situation or atleast adress your discomfort. You have somebody that did not tried hard at all to be with you, to understand (or even hear) your point of view, that put his friends's opinions so high against you to the point that you could've given him your car and probably nothing could've changed about his reaction, and to top it off you did not see that and went straight to apologize when he directly showed you off that he cares more about them than you. There is a point were you can't simply expect to receive an special tratement from somebody just because you are being what you'd like them to be; they are going to keep the attitude and people that fit their need, whatever those might be.
>>16452988
Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?
You give them the vag with no commitment required and then wonder why they drop your ass the moment you're a problem.
About the second one, I've adressed him with a general example at the beggining, so skiping straight to the third, it depends on how the relationship was going and you both adressed it. The way you express your self and, of course, how other people see you is what makes a difference sometimes, like if you truly think that sendind a message or two per week is something that should be expected from a fwb or a friend at all, judging if he was seeing you as something worth fighting for or just to give an example, if he were having problems and not wanting to be with someone that they could see as an appointment or something similar. Don't force shit up, see the potential of the relationship, what do you have in common (what you can give or want to recive against what they want and are willing to do for somebody like you) before acting like you know what is the best for both of you <Individiually> because if the only think that you get for being uncomfortable with somebody that you are hanging out with, then in the end is just seeing the relationship as something uncomfortable in itself because that's how they feel with your requeriments or suggestions. And check what you are doing with the 4th one, because it sounds like you are one of those people who can't see a red flag even if they are being hit with one. Try to not persue relationships on a one per time basis until you reach the point when they collapse or not because it does not sound like you've many experiences with peopl
and that could lead that you end up with little time left to find somebody if you want (or don't) a son or similar in the future and also you might end up wanting a family and realize (really late, possible) that you were not compatible at all. If you want to play it safe and say that you don't want to risk saying that you are also looking other people because you think the person you are currently talking to might see it that you are not that interested in them before you start looking somewhere else, then you better try your hardest to be sure about how they feel and think about you because, again, you seems like the persons that miss concepts on people's actions (red flags and all), and it's just going to be harder for you if in the end you still can't judge what people want from you or how they see you. Many relationships fail at that and sometimes hard in the sense of emotional pain for one or both of them or even more a third one, like a child or something after marriage. You need to know the person you are talking to and not just hear what they say about what they want bur truly see where the source of their actions comes from. Not because being open with somebody in a relationship means that you are going to turn a egoist person or just somebody that does not care that much about you into something wonderful that'd make have a future with them. The advices here show you precisely that but not in a good way. Relationships are not a bunch of rules, just information and
and common sense. I could go about those assuptions about how your past is something that will invariably change your personality to the point that you've received a profile about you that shows characteristics completely opossite of what you've showing in this very thread. Don't fall for that crap, do your self a favor and don't fall for that shit about behaving in a specific way just eating shit up and expecting everybody to fit those shitty premade rols just because you think that's how relationships should b, and it's beyond fucking, fwb, boyfriends, or family. See how you've expressed that you did not feel comfortable crying in front of 4 people because they should not be dealing with it, maybe it's alien to you, but I've seen many people being just friend with eachother (no sex of any kind) that just like you've described a good possible partner, so there are a lot of signs that you suck at chosing people, and don't get that shit about your father so much inside your ass, because it's not that important in the way you've talked about him, like not wanting somebody that could get mad easily, since you don't need to be a father and get mad for people to see that sometimes being too mad about too many shit and not dealing with it properly simply show that the person is not pleasant to b with. Don't try to put a diagnostic over yourself because youve many problems as it is and also you will be able to see more clearly how people around you behave and make better choises
>>16455707
>Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?
That's fair. It would have been nice if 3 manned up and said that instead of just vanishing. I would have hoped that 1 would have saw the value in the friendship instead of just going silent. (See >>16453604 )
>>16455647
>or ask other to change
Never. I learned that in my past ltr. I have no power over others, only myself. I can't change someone and it's unfair to both to go into a relationship hoping they'll change.
>>16455653
You can do it, but that is not the point of a mutually caring relationship
That's my problem. I going in there with the idea that the other wants to give back too. I have to screen better. I guess I'm surprised others can be so selfish. If someone does something nice to me, I automatically want to do something nice to them.
>And check what you are doing with the 4th one, because it sounds like you are one of those people who can't see a red flag even if they are being hit with one.
Some red flags are that he works himself too hard and doesn't go the gym (re: take care of himself). We talked nearly every day for months now. He tends to not let me talk and when I ask he unintentionally puts me on the spot and I freeze up. He's very passionate about niche topics that few would be willing to listen & converse. I've asked him for some space.
I think my issue is that I go one by one and I like efficiency, so I go a bit too much too soon. I have very few people that I socialize with outside of work hours. 1 and I would do things and that ended last year. I have a very good friend that I only see every couple of months. Other than that, I only have online friends. While I never want to get back with my ex, I miss that companionship. I think I'm unintentionally rushing stuff because I want it back.
>>16455961
>Never. I learned that in my past ltr. I have no power over others, only myself. I can't change someone and it's unfair to both to go into a relationship hoping they'll change.
Good. They only scenarios when that worked were when one of them used their own arguments againt the person wh they tried to changed and when you see somebody keeping themself in their world, it was most likely NOPE time.
>That's my problem. I going in there with the idea that the other wants to give back too. I have to screen better. I guess I'm surprised others can be so selfish. If someone does something nice to me, I automatically want to do something nice to them.
Yeah, you really need to check that. I've seen that plenty of times and accepting the reality is what to some people, sometimes a persons can just say fuck it and ignore something instead of accepting a wrongdoing from their part, and that lack of caring is what some people hate the most about being ignored, used, etc. Sometimes they feel bad because they think they've done that to themself when it was the other's action what caused it. The source is who you decide to be with, so start to work on that filter.
>I've asked him for some space
Communication is really imporant, you might want to wait before doing this, but I recommend you to talk with about why you feel you want some space between you two. A relation where you basically have no words in can end up being misserable, and that is more of a red flag than the gym
>I think my issue is that I go one by one and I like efficiency
You can't not be efficent if you don't have a goal or simply something to judge if you are actually going anywhere. Your main problem comes with not being able to see the reason behind people's actions, how they affect you/them and how they could affect the future relationship, or you just simply get it or accept it too late. Being efficent means jackshit if you have not a clear goal where you want to go to and many people who rush things up can end up making the wrong decisition and the only you'll get is that you tried to be the very best at judging relationship like career instead of simply two people trying to know eachother and judge after that if being a couple is viable or not. Also, taking care of himself goes beyond gym and diet, maybe you are not going to see how other people judge if they actually care about their future or not if you keep it (again) just from your point of view. I was typing this in the last comment but did not feel like going all out, but there are so many sign that you are pursuing a relationship for all the wrong reasons, and in the end it can (and most probably will) backfire at you. That's what I mean with being pointless to work for a relationship if the cost is some or both of them being sufferable, Many of your problems can be solved without any boyfriend or dick involved, you just need to judge better who you want to hang out with.
>>16456021
>if you don't have a goal
I do - >>16454133
>but I recommend you to talk with about why you feel you want some space between you two
Thing is, I don't know for sure if 4 wants anything. It seems like he does, but I don't know for sure and if I tell him the jist of the above, he may be like, dude, I only like you as a friend.. and there, that's ruined. As we typically bump into each other daily, I asked him for space last night. He said absolutely. I just saw him and he just said hi/bye. I feel awful about it.
1. You clearly said something wrong or are giving off the wrong vibes
2. Men are usually not keen on dating baby-rabies 30yr old women. Any valuable man can tell how much you're seeking commitment. Decent, hardworking, ambitous men in their 30s commit on their own terms and time, trying to push it will result in the men simply evaporating.
3. In the 30s, as your beauty fades, women go from a seller's market to a buyer's market. Maybe he just found a hotter 18-22yr old. Get used to being traded up for younger women, it's no reason go give up.
>>16456217
I do - >>16454133
I read that, but that does not cover why you want a relationship and you are willing to work so hard to form one. I adressed plenty of those characteristics that you were looking for in the last comments. You need to check why you are trying to achieve with those goals. Just to give an example from this very thread, see the anon who said he'd work for other people is atraction but don't let it move from there, you could say that is goal is making people pay attention to him but that does not cover how he truly feel about that attention or even what he wants to achieve with. In cases like him, I've seen people not feeling comfortable not being what other people judge as atractive or interesting and they work to be seen like that but they don't enjoy it at all. Or similar scenarios to yours, people would put too much emphasis in trying to cover their scenario of a fullfiling relationship with either checkin how that scenario translate in real life or even more how the person is adressing the issue that makes them think they are solving their problems (like wanting support, feeling alone, etc) or taking those decition. What I mean is that if you have a good idea of what you want from a person, why you think that is important and take the time to see how they see those actions that you are atracted to, if you don't do that you could end up being lead to a conclusion that is incorrect and misjudge people because of that.
>>16456217
So try to not be mislead into a relationship due to your wrong conclusions, just see how you pointed out that one of the downsides of the 4 was that he was "not taking care of himself" by not going to the gym and the like but you just said that you did tried to pursue the relationship with the "30+bmi" dude and that you felt terrible about it.
I'm going to be direct with you, I don't think there is a point for me to point out all your problems because I don't think you are paying enought attention to yourself, and comes from the very beging of this thread were you said that you liked to kind to others without expecting anything in return but at the same time you said that not receiving the treatment that you were expecting hurt you and made you feel misserable, add to that the example of the third guy, etc. You are filled with contradictions and I doubt your reasons and abilities to judge people, to see red flag, and to basically not being able to try see the concept of the actions you are looking for (other would put more importance to lack of communication in the relationship with the 4 than anything else). If they don't care about you, not because you've topics to talk about means that you both like eachother or should persue a relationship because of that. You can be basically represented as a shell to talk to and nothing more since your opinions besides your common topics are so irrelevant to that person, yet you've said things like having a lot to talk about
like it was a big deal when most of the time it is not. I've said before, and I'll repeat it: there are people out there that do what you have said about what your idea of a relationship is and are nothing but friends, because having something to talk about and enjoying eachother is company is the standar for just being with them at all not what would make them want to go for a more private relationship. Is possible to say that you are basically the second man in your three first, but in a different angle where you don't select with good judgement who you want to be with to the point that it has lead to you saying you have reached the point where you been feeling misserable and with little value for what you were receiving in exchange for your work, and I said work because you are doing a freaking work when you say that you are being there for others, putting your own money for others, and basically everything you've talking about. Stop trying to judge people from your own standar alone, at least try to see the world from the point of view of the persons you are talking with. You are making a mess of yourself.
Your first "real friend", you got it at 31 and he did not give a shit about how you felt that day, and I highly doubt you saw that comming, but that shit is fucking common, I could've read that you were in your 20s and still think that you are slow to catch things up. You abilities to judge people is terrible. 1 real friend at 30 is not common at all.
>>16456276
>you just said that you did tried to pursue the relationship with the "30+bmi" dude and that you felt terrible about it.
No, I didn't pursue because of his size which, to me, is a shitty reason to not like someone.
>you liked to kind to others without expecting anything in return but at the same time you said that not receiving the treatment that you were expecting hurt you and made you feel misserable
I like being kind to people even though I won't get anything in return. I do that all the time. I would very much like someone I'm friends with/seeing-sleeping with want to be nice in return. 1, and 3 at the very least wanted to be friends. Friends spend time with each other. Friends like to do things for each other. I do things for them (for example, dinner) and while not expecting anything in return, it'd be nice to get something back (for example, going to a movie). I was very clear with all three that I'm not a hole they can booty call whenever. They all said they wanted to be friends and I expect my friends to want to reciprocate kindness because they want to. 1 didn't and I hadn't learned so 2 came along, same story. Thought I had it sorted, but now we have 3. I'm still digesting >>16454029, >>16454223 & >>16454370
I am having some trouble understanding what you're writing and I think that may be causing confusion.
>>16456323
>No, I didn't pursue because of his size which, to me, is a shitty reason to not like someone.
I did not said that you did not went it just for his weight, nor I ignored that you said he was "well spoken", it was just to point that you have predetermined standars for common words. You said that you can do kinds thing to anybody without expecting anything in return but you hear that somebody wants to be friend with you get fulled of expectations because you have your head so far up your ass that you don't get that being friends with somebody does not mean the same to everybody. You can say that you are not expecting anything in return because you are not asking for anything specific buy if you have a specific meaning to words like friends and the like, then it break the purpose because you <still> are not catching up with the idea things don't mean the same for other people. You are basically saying that you are not expecting anything from non friends, but you make the word friend sound like a chore and work more than anything else since you are expecting something at that point, and that line between you wanting nothing or something specific from somebody is marked by a word that many interpret differently. It could've been just "being friend means not wanting to be a couple", or just that they like enought that they could want to be with you in the future and nothing more. Get your head out of your ass and try to see thing from other people is view for once.
You can point what you are being confused with so I could try to be more clear, reword, or try to pin point actions from you to show what I mean with my words; it's going to be easier like that.
>>16456366
Okay, I think you're lost. I'm also having a very hard time understanding what you're writing as your sentence structure is very different to what I'm used to reading. ("I did not said that you did not went it just for his weight, nor I ignored that you said he was "well spoken" ")
>it was just to point that you have predetermined standars for common words
I have no idea how you equated declining someone for dating is having a different standard word definition.
>you have a specific meaning to words like friends and the like
As I've said numerous times, being friends with someone means that you do kind things for them. This is not changing the definition of friends. That IS the definition of being a friend.
http://au.reachout.com/what-makes-a-good-friend
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/25-ways-to-be-a-true-friend/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201312/the-true-meaning-friendship
http://people.howstuffworks.com/what-is-friendship.htm
>>16456412
I did not said that you did not went for it (the relationship) just for his weight, and did not ignore that you said he was "well spoken" ( so I was not cherrypicking you saying 30+ and ignoring that you care about thing like consedering someone well spoken).
>I have no idea how you equated declining someone for dating is having a different standard word definition.
That you think that just because someone used the work Friend means that they should behave like YOU expect a friend to behave. If you truly think that a freaking dictionary represent how people behave like your are going to far out your ears when you read about this little thing called divorce, cheating, alimony, etc. Words and actions does not represent the same way to everybody. Jeezzzz.
>>16456449
That you think that just because someone used the word Friend means that they should behave like YOU expect a friend to behave. If you truly think that a freaking dictionary represent how people behave like, you are going to fart out your ears when you read about this little thing called divorce, cheating, alimony, etc. Words and actions does not represent the same way to everybody. Jeezzzz.
>>16456449
>>16456452
>ignoring that you care about thing like consedering someone well spoken
I actually care very much about how well spoken someone is and what their thoughts are.
>That you think that just because someone used the work Friend means that they should behave like YOU expect a friend to behave
My definition of friendship is not niche or alien. My expectations are not unreasonable; they are standard.
From the ReachOut site:
>someone who is kind and has respect for you
>Keep in touch. Even if you guys aren’t nearby each other, making an effort to keep in touch through facebook, emails, texts and calls will show your friend you are there for them.
>Be willing to make a tough call. If you think the safety of your friend is at risk, you might need to act without their consent and get help
From TinyBuddha:
>Be kind and listen. Be fun and light
>Try and improve their life though your friendship.
>Be genuinely happy when they get, receive, or achieve something you truly desire.
>Don’t hold grudges over petty disagreements.
From Psychology Today:
>A commitment to your happiness
>A good influence. A true friend inspires you to live up to your best potential, not to indulge your basest drives.
From How Stuff Works:
>Friendship is a type of relationship between two people who care about each other.
>That's not to say friendship is easy, though. It demands time and effort, and it requires that people put someone other than themselves first sometimes.
I appreciate your time and effort today.
>I actually care very much about how well spoken someone is and what their thoughts are.
And that's why I said that I was not ignoring that you said that. Holy freaking shit.
>(so I was not cherrypicking you saying 30+ and ignoring that you care about thing like consedering someone well spoken).
This means that I was not trying to make you sound like a shalow bitch who only cares about appareance. So I was not cherrypicking your words about him being 30+ and ignoring that you show interest in someone when you considere them "well spoken". Bloody hell, girl, tell me if you are habing problems with something else I said or if I am (considering the typos) expressing myself like shit.
>Even more fucking definitions from web and crap.
I think you are a lost cause, or maybe I am fucking stupid, but see your man #2 and how he chosed those people he was hanging with and called them friends. Or just see around you people openly saying that they consider a lot o people friends just to hang out with them but they don't truly care about their well being or personality outside their common interest, etc. Also see what people see as a "normal" relationship, or friendship, or family, or anything. Just open your eyes alredy, shit like what you are talking about is what most people here call highschool drama because you are not expected to end up in relationships like when start to use your brain outside what you've experienced in school.
>>16456535
>or if I am (considering the typos) expressing myself like shit.
I find your other posts very hard to understand.
>but see your man #2 and how he chosed those people he was hanging with and called them friends
I understand what you mean. Actual friends won't belittle your manhood and say they enjoy their time without you. 2 got pretty sick for a few weeks and he told me afterwards his "friends" said they enjoyed their time better without him and they don't really want him around. That's not friendship. Even if he uses the term 'friends' it's not. It'd be like calling a shark a boat.
>they don't truly care about their well being or personality outside their common interest, etc.
I call those people acquaintances. Friendship is what is described on these (and many other) sites: >>16456508
>I call those people
Well, now try to see thing from their side instead of what you'd call those kind of people. Even if someone I care about does not talk to me in two weeks, I don't care. Sometimes I ignore a message for some days if I'm busy doing something, but not when they ask for help about whatever that could be really important to them. If I hear even one of them saying that I should give them attention every week, that would sound fucking weird, and if I end up doing it for a while it'll be more out of curiosity about what the hell is going on with them to set such parameters.
My argument about (at least one) of your main problems is that I'm telling you that you judge your actions on your own ideas, but you don't know how to read people is actions, and also make the terrible mistake of judging future actions of other people based on YOUR idea of the words they are using. So, I'm telling you "you are judging others when they use a word that your have clearly defined but they might not see that word the same way you do", and your answers are "but MY definition of the word they are using is this and that". Not because they are pronouncing the word in front of you means that they agree with your concept/idea of the word. Also, you need to learn what makes a relationship work, while being real and with your feet on the ground, outside that world you've created inside your head about how relationships should be like. That alone got you into those shitty relationships.
>>16456633
Nice dub-dubs.
>Even if someone I care about does not talk to me in two weeks, I don't care. Sometimes I ignore a message for some days if I'm busy doing something,
That's fine. I have friends like that too. Lots of friends(lol four) I won't talk to for months and when we see each other, it's always fine, no drama. However, they have a great quality about them so the quantity of them isn't a problem. The quality of being around them makes up for any missed time. They make me feel wanted and I them. Not ho-hum like 2 & 3. Looking back, 3 never really seemed to care, and that's probably why I wanted more attention from him. He was quite overly touchy/emotional - wanted to cuddle and spend excessive amount of time with me when we did go out and I guess that confused me when he went silent. I'm not hurt or upset about him vanishing, more curious to why so that if needed, I could fix the things I did to make it better for the future.
2 I am a bit frustrated with as he rather spend time with "friends" that make him question his manhood than someone who builds him up and encourages him. It's annoying because I do care about him and I had hoped being around me would show him how friendship could be instead of being around people who tell him they rather not have him around and spread rumours. He's essentially a tag along and that makes me sad. You should feel wanted around people who you call your friends. 1 I'm "over" but am still really curious to why after one incident of not being my friendly self that he ditch me. It sucks to have something break and not know how to fix it for next time.
Anyways, thank you. I have a lot to digest and mull over.
My guess: You are attracted to the wrong guys.
We all have certain behaviour pattern. Some people have a helper complex, so they unconciously look for partners with mental problems. Other people like to be dominated, so they look for partners to take the lead. Etc.
Check your patterns. Find them and inquire them. Become aware of them. Become free from them.
Just a guess.
>>16457360
>Looking back, 3 never really seemed to care
Since you basically did no talked about them, just how you were towards them (besides the bigass red flag from 1 putting himself and his friends so much above you, or the big ass red flag from 4 not hearing you), I can't tell you precicely what kind of red flag you had to see to realise how was more likely going to be. If you don't understand what people want from their actions. It could be wanting a gf to not be in the opposite of feeling lonely, it could be feeling like the are not a failure in the eyes of others and do things just for show even when they don't like what they are doing, etc; and at that point you should not try to tell them that being friend with someone like you is the best for them, rather try to show them that there is no point at all to live just for other people's happines and standars at all. The only way to help people like is using their own arguments (what THEY think of a relationship, or how they asimmilate their actions with their problems). You have people that would basically hit their own head while complaining about how much it hurt, and could say to them to stop punching himself, and he came back again saying how he still feels pain when he keeps hitting himself just expecting problem to disapear out of nowhere is when you see that their problem is well beyond just the pain in their head or the friends they hang out with.
I don't try to help people unless they ask for help or I see that there something in the way that prevents them to be comfortable asking for help at all, but when I do, I expect a part of them to be added to the solution. I you would've show 2 the relationship between how he felt about himself and the comments of his friends, how he adressed the problem and how he felt about it, maybe, just maybe, you could had been in better ground to show him that he was putting too much immportance in their oppinion for no good reason at all, maybe it was just being lonely or whatever, but you need to show to them that they'll to justify what makes think that staying with them compensate somehow how they make him feel like shit. People want differents things and are willing to put different ammount of effort into solving their problems, so some times the question is not what you could've done to make them more happy but to ask your self what makes you think that your time is going to be worth it at all. And that's why im telling again and again that your main problem is not trying to know people, for you it seems like relationships are just ping pong matches where actions and words comes and go, and you don't try to see what is the source of those actions- You asimilate things badly, just like with 3 being clingy, it could've be that he was simply needy and any body to hug with or talk to was enought for him and did not want to deal with anything extra from you. It just an example.
>1 I'm "over" but am still really curious to why after one incident of not being my friendly self that he ditch me
Maybe there were a shiton of signs that could've lead you to see how much you and your opinions were worth for him. Maybe somebody else could've see that comming from a mile away and you did not. Just knowing how you deal with his actions and comments about you and his friends tells me that your problem is just not seeing the information out there that shows how people see you and value you. I've never ever seen you type about what kind of relationship THEY wanted, or saying how you two were making deals so you both could be good inside the relationship, even fuckin more, the only thing close to this that you've said was 4 basically not giving ashit about you. You are terrible at judging people; for you it should not be "what you could have done better to push the relation" more that "what you could've use to see that you were fighting for the wrong reasons or for a shitty relationship". You need 3 things happy in a relationship of two, I said this before: him being happy, not having to deal with shit he does not really have to; you being happy for the same reasons; and you two as whole. You can change people a little bit if you understand them and that there is sweet spot between what you both want, and then you both can judge if you are willing to change for the sake of themself or the relationship. Fix it by learning how to judge people better, you suck at it.
bump to see whats going to happen next
>>16458230
LOL.
>>16457398
>Check your patterns. Find them and inquire them. Become aware of them.
Re: This whole thread. I think the issue is that I really like to do things for people and expect the same in return (by them wanting to, not me having to tell them).
>>16457531
>it could be feeling like the are not a failure in the eyes of others
That's 2 to a T. He posts thing on FB to show a lifestyle but I know it's not true. He went on a road trip, posted lots of photos and how fun it was but when we hung out, all he did was complain about the person he went with. Makes me wonder if he complains about me to others or if he genuinely enjoys my company but feels the need to have this picture of who he is. It makes me sad because he's always miserable. I went to the movies with him and his "friends" and they didn't save seats, (we sat together opposite of theatre) and in the lobby afterwards talking about the movie, he just stood there looking at his phone while they talked amongst themselves. When I was with him, I included him in what we were doing, asked him his opinions on topics and tried to make him feel wanted/needed.
>you could had been in better ground to show him that he was putting too much immportance in their oppinion
I do and I did. I didn't belittle him about his friends, simply showed him what I knew as proper friendship. I would go over to his house and tidy up a bit, or put my dishes away and he would ask me why I do that and I say it's because it's the right thing to do. I didn't put his friends' (in)actions down by saying they're rude not putting the dishes they used away. When he would tell me how they said his was too short to be a man (ridiculous) I told him I felt that was unacceptable to say to a friend and said I found him perfect (which I do and I'd go
>>16457591
>Maybe there were a shiton of signs that could've lead you to see how much you and your opinions were worth for him.
I don't know. We'd see each other during the day and talk for about an hour and then sometimes he'd call me that night and we'd talk for another hour. We weren't dating, we were just really really really close friends. My friends essentially said we were a couple. It's him so easily saying goodbye to my friendship is the thing that sent me reeling.
>the only thing close to this that you've said was 4 basically not giving ashit about you
I saw 4 yesterday and he seemed sad that I told him I needed space. I don't understand where you get he doesn't care about me. I think he does. I only said that a possible red flag is that he gets so excited about topics that you can't get a word in edgewise. I have a Skype friend who does this, I love him to death and we've been friends for six years now? He's one of the pillars of my absolute best friendships.
>LOL
That was me, the thread was about to be archived again, so I bumped it. It's a long story.
>I don't understand where you get he doesn't care about me.
______ >>16455961
>_____ He tends to not let me talk and when I ask he unintentionally puts me on the spot and I freeze up
There is from, and I'll give it to you straight (again), people don't show nor want the same thing for the same reason. If you are with somebody for what they are adding to you, not because you like them near means that you truly care about what they want or how they feel. Wanting to be with people to give the impression that you are popular and well liked, wanting to be with a gf because feeling alone is worse for them (for the image they want to give to others, or just for themself), etc. Let's say an example simmilar to what is going on with 4 (but I'm not telling you that this is what is happening), let's say that the person whant to be with somebody because of the attention, the information, being able to talk about something specifict that they don't talk to somebody else or whatever, as soon as they see that they can't ignore a problem that would not let them get what they want without having to deal with something they don't care about you, they will have a reeeally easy time dumping you. If you were turning a pain in the ass for 2, or he gave more shit about other people's opinion about than your opinion about him or even your feelings at all, he will get rid of you if the blowjobs or
whatever are not worth anymore. Not because you spend time with them means that they truly care about what you want and not just what you have to give to them. If you were just a cover to people to see them better, or someone to help get info and notes in class, or somebody to drive you to your events or whatever, and if they don't care about you at all, as soon as they have an exit from you they can take it, and if you don't see the meaning (TO THEM, MY FUCKING SHIT) of why THEY want to be with you, then it could come to you as surprise when they drop the relationship altogether. Spending a lot of time together? Pointless if I care about you just as a door to talk about things I don't usually talk about with others; having sex like rabbits for months? pointless if you are starting to be a pain in the and you were a window to my fetishes, body issues and image to others that I care more about than you; you helped me a lot with your time and your money? Pointless if you made feel bad about my friends that mean so much in comparison to you that I will ignore how you felt when you were uncomfortable or behaving unusually. It's not about they wanting to hurt you when I say not caring about you, it's about how they truly see you when you are spending times together. And not wanting to hear from you (lack of communition as whole) is a bad sign for a relationship, a really fucing bad sign because you need to be able to solve problems when they happen, also know what's more likely
to happen in a future if you decide to hang out with them, etc. Not saying that people can't simply ignore characteristics like that and keep being friends, but it is not different to what 2 has being doing the whole time when he was balancing how he truly feel to how he would like to see him, that's in the sense of judging if what you don't like about a relationship is something easy or hard to ignore or simply deal with. Get this straight, when there is a problem and you can't or not want to talk about it, they don't be surprised if you reach point where you simply can't be with eachother anymore because it was all coincidence that you both liked eachother in the first place since you've never adressed the problems that appeared in the relationship. Try to express how you feel when you are near 4 and why you think that not being near him for a while is going to be a good solution for you, see how much he truly cares about your side of the situations and get an idea where he comes from. That's a way to get to know people, to let them know about you, and so you both will have a more clean view about what you are willing or not to deal with in the future. Just to give an example, for 3 it could've been that he was feeling lonely or needy, so he would behave clingy towards you. 4 could be that he wanted the attention, being able to talk with you about whatever he talks about, or being sad because he (obiously, specially if you did not say to him why you wanted space from him)
could feel unliked or unneeded when he hear that somebody doesn't want to be near them anymore (even if it is just for a while or not). Not saying what's actually going on, it's just to give an idea because it seems that getting that people do the same things for differents reasons is alien to you, not to mention how you don't even know yourself, just see the amount of fucking talk that took you to finally say that your problem is actually expecting something from people based on your actions towards them. Not saying that you do it egoistically, just that you see dissapointment in people not valuating your actions towards them as something good for a relationship because of the pottential it has for both of you to be happy if you both truly care about eachother and d the same in return for the other. Basically, it sound that in your head exist this little bubble where everyone has the potential to help each other and be happy together that is so deep inside your ass now it's not letting you get that you are putting too much importante to those very actions (like spending money, or letting you peg them, or being an ear for them to express themself) without letting you see the signs that represent the opposite of what you are striving for (a good, happy, everlasting relationship), actions such as actually caring about how you feel (hearing your opinions, thinking that you are worth fighting for, giving something in return to you, etc). I knew this was going to be long since OP.
tldr?
>>16459330
Are you OP? If that is you, just start with the first comments of the 4 and see if you are achieving something reading it. You've read a shit ton already and push it a little bit more now that is about to end. Just see if there is something in ther first comment that makes want keep reading or not. Just do the first. You put so much importance to caring about others yet when someone you don't even know tries to help you are going to ignore it just like that, just see how you did not even marked the parts that you said you did not undersand well even when I was willing to say the same thing 3 times in a row when you still were not getting it. It cost me more effort for your own good to type than you to ignore. Simply read the fist comment of the 4 at least; just give it a go.
>>16459566
Not me.
>as soon as they have an exit from you they can take it, and if you don't see the meaning (TO THEM, MY FUCKING SHIT) of why THEY want to be with you, then it could come to you as surprise when they drop the relationship altogether.
When you say stuff like this, I don't want to be around anyone anymore. I told 4 to leave me alone because now I'm so afraid that I can't tell if I'm going to be used. I want a companion that will value me as much as I value them. I guess I will never get that. I want to be nice to people because that's what you should do and that's what I like doing but I'm so done with all of this now.
I understand you very well and that is (part of) why I was keep going with this situation of you. It work both ways, but I'm not going to go general again because maybe you don't want that (and I don't how long it's going to be), but basically that's why I said before that I don't help people unless they ask for help, or I do it if I see that there is something in the way of them asking for help from the begining (like pride, fear, lack of confiance, shame, or whatever) because what you think is good for them might no be what they think is good for themself, and that's why you use their own arguments to prove them wrong, and that's part of why I thought this was going to be so fucking long in my first comment here >>16454952 because yor very first comment was filled with contradictions inside your arguments and also with examples that just don't come alone without a shitton of red flag that you could've possible see before getting to such extremes. The same way there's a lot of people like 1 or 2 two out there, there is also a lot of people who just hang out with eachother in circumstances that could probable think they might be masturbating eachother with their feets under the table because there is no way that they could be so good with eachother like (like when you said that it should be their problem because you were not their girlfriend and you were ashamed). You simply need to learn how to read people and also focus on what is truly importantn in relationships
Try to realise what people want from you or what the actions that you are doing represent to them. With that information along with common sense you'll be able to judge better if you truly want to deal with those people or not. You really need to catch things up because it seems that you can't read people very well. Communication with 4 about why you were feeling that you need some space from him will gt you a better idea of what's going on in his mind and what he could do the day you have a more serious issue, and how hes going to adress those problems (you don't want another First like in your OP, op). I see a person not judging properly who she chose to put effort into, and basing her conclusion in her own point of view without realizing that the concept she has is what <other people> are going to do, not her. That along you forcing the idea that friendship has an specific definition and how you repetead the same concept of your argument when I adressed a problem from you (when your answer to me saying stop basing assuption on your own definitions of word and you counter argue with even more dictionaries and crap that has nothing to do with understanding people) is what's more important for you now and made realise that this was going to be so fucking long because your base was rotten all along. Your judgement and how you express what you trully like is simply awful; I'm to you what you are/were to 2nd and I still don't know if you are getting my point of view on your life
>>16459609
>The same way there's a lot of people like 1 or 2 two out there, there is also a lot of people who just hang out with eachother in circumstances that could probable think they might be masturbating eachother with their feets under the table because there is no way that they could be so good with eachother like (like when you said that it should be their problem because you were not their girlfriend and you were ashamed).
Character limit fucked me up; here is a correction:
The same way there's a lot of people like 1 or 2 two out there, there is also a lot of people who just hang out with eachother in circumstances that could probably make you think they might be masturbating eachother with their feets under the table because there is no way that they could be so good with eachother like that based on your own standards about relationship (like when you said that it should be their problem because you were not their girlfriend and you were ashamed).
this is a one mental thread.
bump to see whats going to happen, again. i don't know if you said that you were done with your behaviour about relationships (as in keep going altogether bacause you feel uncomfortable with them) or if you were talking about this thread, but still this is going to end soon one way or another because the thread is running out of bumps anyway; i'll push this to keep it alive and then i'm going to ignore it and let it go.
>>16460323
No, I'm done. I'm too tired and hollow to bother anymore.
>>16452988
You do to much thinking... and talking...
>>16452988
Should probably keep my mouth shut here, I'm a lot younger than you and probs don't know wtf I'm talking about but; have you tried getting in a relationship with a guy who isn't interested in sex? I'm not saying don't have sex, but just hang out and date for a while, do cute things like see movies together, give each other a bit of space but still see each other regularly, and see where it takes you? If it doesn't work out, you don't have to invest anything much into him, if it does, well...
I don't even know what you meant with that, if you are tired of the topic, and hollow for how reality fucked you in the ass, just see those last comments and at least try to think about the idea that the possibility to be surrounded by people with the ideas that you have do exist but you need to know what to look for, and that idea you have about being "efficent" by dealing with just one person alone at a time is not going to speed thingsup either, specially because you don't have to be efficent about making something work with somebody that you have no true potential to be with since you both should know if you two actually have potential to beging with or at least a good base to just let things flow intead of seeing it as carreer or something forced like that, if it works, it works, so you are better off putting that effort into looking at the right ones instead of trying to fix (or simply making work) something with a random person. You suck at choosing people, get that shit straight before you end up making another mistake, if you actually pay attention to other people's behaviour you are not going to be anxious or uncomfortable thinking about what could happen in the future because you'll have an easier time seeing where the relationship can leads to, and it'll easier for you to let go and look somewhere instead of having to let it reach another extreme again. You'll have a cleaner view about other people if you talk about this with them, don't just try to guess shit up.
>>16460361
If you want a tl;dr about everything, here it goes.
>Don't feel like crap because shit did not work as you expected it, the real mistake was not seeing how your ideas translate to the real world, and being slow at getting to know people has fucked you up.
>For your own future, you should be more concerned about your past desitions with people and how you could've chosen better if your head was not so out of reality that you thought a dictionary was a legit argument to talk about human behavior. It's hard to accept this as your fault (it was not just your doing here, anyway) but you need to see that your ideas were a big part of your actions, and that lead you to this. The sooner you see that, the better.
>Your idea of relationships do exist, and I've seen it plenty of times, but the same way 2nd keep with those people that usually stick together, you can see people behaving like you would expect, you just need to be able to look for them (what their actions truly represent).
>Comunnication is really fucking important, so don't think is not a big deal not being heard off because it's what can get you both to know eachother, and not only is good to fix problems, it is also good to help you know them better and judge more acurately like that instead of betting your future away.
>You don't know how to judge people, and add to this that you go after one person and don't know when to let go is fucking you up since you end up with a bad image about everyone as a whole.
I think we are beyond the bump limit, so just to be sure, I would like to know if you've at least read the last comments. They talk about that hollow and dissapointment inside of you, if you really hate that feeling, just give those comments a go, it'll be for your own good. Your questions should not be why some people are like they are to the point of making you think that's not worth to bother anymore, your question should be why bother trying to put people in your view if you have the potential to be with others in the same boat, you just need to learn where to look for.
This is for your own good that I'm doing this, but I suggest you to read the last part beacause your shit is not uncommon at all and I've seen people getting out of your situation by fixing and changing what I've wrote before. Give it a go; stop feeling misserable and hollow because of those experiences, you were to catch thing up but you still have time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Itt0rALeHE8
(I was also curious about when the bump limits was, hehe.)
