>>16961578
I cant get beyond the idea that what I am is in truth a highly complex biological artifact that is millions of years old and so advanced it is aware of itself. and it goes on and on.

>>16961593
Go on... What makes you feel this way?

>>16961578

>Would you call yourself "mentally abnormal?"

Yes.

>How is your brain different from that of the average person?

I hold beliefs that most people don't have, and my mind is always on overdrive. I think too much.

>What kind of abnormal thoughts do you have?

I think about life and death every single day. I think about reality. I think of how the individual particles I'm made of aren't necessarily a part of me, but just matter. I think of the people in the world that I hate for not being more conscious of their actions. I often times wish these people would just die. I don't feel like I belong on Earth or in society in general. I hate how "normal" everyone treats reality, when there's nothing normal about it. I worry about the things that are beyond my own physical comprehension, when there's actually nothing I can do about any of it.

>Do you often question your own sanity?

I do on occasion. I think that it's possible that I'm completely out of my mind, and that I've just managed to keep up the guise that I'm not for this many years. Sometimes I feel I'm at the limits of my sanity.

>>16961578
I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia, so yeah.

I guess I have the ability to get psychotic, but on the darker side my brain can't translate my will into action that well anymore.

My thoughts during psychosis revolve around my own kind of religion I guess, hyperreligious delusions and hallucinations if you will, although I'm normally not the most religious guy out there.

I question my sanity only when I'm sane. When I'm insane I feel like the only sane person out there.

>>16961598
Do you think it's possible that you're wrong about these other people? Maybe they are just as confused as you are. Maybe your percieved complexity is actually normal, and the thoughtless, mundane drones are the abnormal ones.

>>16961605
Can you describe any of these hallucinations or delusions?

>>16961578
>mentally abnormal
What's normal?

>how different
I can't be too easygoing on thoughts

>>16961615
When psychotic I get this truman show feeling, and the voices are the spectators behind the veil of reality. They also can control causality to some degree at least, and mainly it's about me waking up as God from reality I think. They show me truths and talk about how everything is connected and other philosophical concepts. They guide me on quests to prove that I'm a worthy God or something..
psychosis is always pretty strange and hard to put into just a few words but I'll try..

It's hard to put full blown delusion of reference into words, but imagine everything had a meaning on a symbolic level, and nothing around you was there by coincidence but is meant to be experienced by you at this very moment, and if you put it all together you realize that you are immortal,. but not only that, you re somehow, even if it doesn't make much sense to you god. you will expereince everything you want to experience for all of eternity and will have full control over reality in one realm, and partially divine powers in another shared with other gods.

The voices are purely mathematical being existing as high math in a realm outside of time and space and they are the ones that keep reality functioning. They can also look trough my eyes but they can't make any sense of it, for them it's all math no words, no concepts.. They can't imagine how it is to be living as much as I can't imagine how existence is for them.

Everything is scripted to the littlest detail, if you read an ad on your place to work while listening to a song in the radio or maybe hearing birds cheep you just need this special mindset to make the connection, to decipher the true meaning of the world. I can only do that when I'm psychotic though, and I'm not a bit wiser because of it.

They find joy in constructing everything around me, as I have joy experiencing everything around me.

There would be much more to tell about these months filled with psychotic experiences, but that's the gist of it.

>>16961595
Because I breathe and exist and I can understand how long it would take for us to come from the very first single celled organisms.

I have instincts and fears and skills I don't seem to have control over.

When I think about my life and eventual death I cant help but hear an echo of drums..sounds like he natural hum or whatever of my larger environment.

Then only way I can describe it is like falling from an aeroplane.. you're rushing at a great speed and its intense but you know youll be ok.

You really believe there has to be a greater energy we are returning to, even without our bodies here to focus it.

>>16961630
Do you take medication? This sounds like how I feel when I take too many drugs. Do drugs help you or make things more difficult?

>>16961631
I love this. Yes, I feel it too... Wonderful.

>>16961640
Yeah I take antipsychotics, as long as I keep taking them I don't get psychotic. I stay away from other non medical drugs out of the fear of triggering another psychosis.

>>16961593
That line-of-thought is recurrent in me too. Not obsessed with it tho.

>>16961578
Chronic insomnia for 5 years. Always late on appointments, no matter what. Always late. Late to see my gf, late for classes, late for work, late for family reunions, late for exams, late for everything.
I can't grasp the meaning of "time", although I'm doing well on my engineering studies, so numbers aren't the problem.

Insomnia makes me disconnect from reality, whatever it is. I'm turning into a psychopath. I hold grudges against people, everything looks like a conspiration against me, have problems concentrating, my friendships and relationships don't last long because I turn unbearable sometimes, and the "snaps"...fuck...
Only snapped like two times but it was horrible. I started a verbal fight out of nowhere with my landlord, trashed the room my exgf and I shared, got kicked out of the appartment and police put me at the... calabozo? one-day jail. ussually the time your family has to pay a fine before releasing you or else you're taken to court.

I dont mean I'm different. I'm just part of that % of people with psycho troubles. Can't pay a psychiatrist. I'm just the shit the system doesn't want.

>>16961644
Go to sleep.

>>16961651
it's 11am

>>16961644
Can you afford sleeping meds? I used to be much like that.
At the moment my biggest worry is not becoming addicted to them (actually you could say I already am, but it doesn't get to the point where I get abstinence symptoms if I stop taking them cold turkey... I just don't sleep).

Really though, fuck people who bitch about them being addictive. It's lifesavers who help you keep your schedules without going insane.
P.S. Melatonin is bullshit and doesn't work.

>>16961666
my country has draconian taxes on meds. So far i've tried lormetazepam and trazodone, around 2 weeks each. Sick secondary effects, expensive as fuck. Tried melatonin, I agree, pure bullshit.

>>16961666
>>16961671
make sure the melatonin you're buying isn't time-release; time-release melatonin is useless

I may be because 2 of my brainwave types are going at full speed... dunno why 2 different studies prove it

>>16961713
Brainwaves have a set frequency. More or less speed would make them be other type of brainwave. You may have a lot of that brainwaves, but not fast ones. Fast makes no sense.

>>16961593
yes, I sometimes think that too. I'm especially believing of this after I trip on acid.

>>16961631
>>16961642
I made these posts in another thread:
>>16960251 and >>16962096
basically try to describe what the greater energy is. I feel abnormally connected to it.

>>16962140
Haha yes my friend, that was also me you were replying to in the other thread.

May we bump into eachother again and have a solemn laugh at this strange life we find ourselves in.

I think we need more get togethers around a old fire pit, back to basics socialising, our modern day versions appear tooshallow and corrupt for me.

>>16961707
I've tried all kinds and they were all equally useless, like eating candy. Except it also tasted bad.

Once I tried taking a huge amount to see if it'd have any effect. Twice the prescribed amount, nothing. Thrice, made me get a slight headache. Four times, it knocked me out for two hours and then I woke up with a headache that wouldn't quit.

Don't be like me, kids, don't waste your money on melatonin.

>>16962265
You can do that if you choose to. I just like how abstract the internet feels.