I stumbled recently with the esoterism subculture; liber null, bluefluke's deviantart, and /X/'s occultism threads in general. I started out by plain curiosity, just to see what kind of things were discussed on imaginary subjects; until then I saw connections with something that happened to me during my teenage years.
Storytime, guys.
When I was like sixeen, I used to believe that I could change reality with the power of my belief. I held several totems in my house, carried a chicken leg everywhere, had numerical mind codes, etc. I just made up shit, using the dark tower and videogames as inspiration. But somehow the magic worked. I had many synchronicities, signals and messages who eventually all had meaning.
One day I made snow.
I had never seen snow, because it never snows in my city. But one day, I was trying to "meditate" to a Doors album and my brother bothered me by walking in or something. I became very angry and thought that even if it started snowing that very moment (I just remembered that simpsons episode where bart has to study and god sends him a snow to dostract him) i would not be able to shake my anger. Then, suddently, I knew it would work. Soon after my mother told me it was snowing in the street.
cont/
>>17415272
You're suffering from Special Snowflake Syndrome, please seek help.
>>17415272
the same day, short after I was having lunch with my family. My pride had didn't let me go check the snow, and i was playing with a 10 sided dice I had grabbed somewhere. A constant cycle was repeating: 3, 5 and 9. Once I finished lunch, I went to see my friends to an empty house one of them had. Along the way, there was nobody in the street (snow had melted by then) and I decided to roll the dice far from me along the street as I walked. The same numbers all the time: 3, 5 and 9
When I arrived to the house, soon it started snowing again and some of my friends wanted to come down and see it (most of them had never seen it before too). So we came down (I accepted this time because the girl i liked was going out too) and had a nice evening, threw some snowballs and tried to make a very dirty snowmen.
Shortly after, I managed to spare 2s of a french deck without looking.
Eventually i came to believe that there was a sentient force which was using it's power to mold reality on my will; but I grew suspicious of his intentions and tried to quit doing "magic" because i was getting very obsessed with it.
The thing is, that I'm 31 now, and by reading all this I feel very related to it and now all this thoughts have arisen again. I have a very happy life; but I just cant manage to accept that there are those kind of forces around me; without knowing which intentions they have. I'd like to go back to my life of working, loving my wife and walking the dog; but I'm a little uneasy.
I'm not sure who's that force that i hold: a part of myself, a god, or any other; but i know that it's got an effect on reality. I've been experiencing the thought/happening dialogue around me again (always in the form of synchronicities and messages veiled on random texts or something like it). Someone I know that knows about this shit told me that this is my paradigm and that I must deal with it. That I'm now an initiate, be it willingly or not, and that can't be undone.
cont/
>>17415293
I opened this thread to ask you, my fellows, how do you reconcile this knowledge with your common life. I don't know how to tell this to anyone without they thinking that I'm schizophreniac; and keeping it all inside is just maddening.
And i'ts Much worse when I've experienced that the tip of the iceberg is real, and in the end those books always talk about Hallucinations, Evocations (entities that can fuck with reality and that i'd rather avoid) or even conspiracies about god keeping soul farms,
Seriously guys, how do you keep your sanity once you read all this?
>>17415272
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Most of what you're talking about seems to be folk magic, which isn't really the occult proper. It's a kind of bridge to the occult, but the real deal is entrenched in study and learning. One needs a kind of balance when one approaches this kind of thing. I think that is lacking in most people who get into it. I do a lot of stuff to help fix this problem, but I don't waste my time with people. If you want help, let me know. I can get in touch and I'll work you in with the others I'm helping.
>>17415303
With love from mother Kali.
Is it ever better to have died, not experiencing what we are? Is it better to just be blind to part of the world? No, no, no it isn't, that's what made this place so bad for so many.
We have powers, and nobody will believe us. So we have to learn to accept that other people might have things that we won't understand. It's love from the universe, giving us this stuff.
Your snowflake thing, and my school's roof ripped off by a hurricane after I cursed my principal, and it made her get struck by lightning.
I'm not one to recommend anime but Junketsu No Maria is good.
So is Madoka Magica, but don't get reading it for spoils
Both of those really address the moral quandaries of magic well, and the latter teaches you to cope. Go onward magical girl.
>>17415272
You told this story before, either here or on /fringe/, I remember this one.
>>17415303
With undefiled awareness as the highest virtue
>>17415303
>And i'ts Much worse when I've experienced that the tip of the iceberg is real, and in the end those books always talk about Hallucinations, Evocations (entities that can fuck with reality and that i'd rather avoid) or even conspiracies about god keeping soul farms,
>Seriously guys, how do you keep your sanity once you read all this?
In the eyers of normies, you don't. Once you're into this everyone else in the world will consider you to have mental problems.
So you don't talk about it unless you meet the right person. Usually they are seen as nutcases too, some people don't care. You can also get some entities or spirits to discuss things with.
>>17415375
of course I want help, anon, that's why I'm here to. How do I get balance? How do i reconcile my mind with the existance of lots of shit?
>>17415391
I told it here, yes, like some weeks ago. What is /fringe/?
>>17415427
Compartmentalization. Keep the weird shit in a box apart from your everyday reality. That helps a lot.
You can "turn it off" by bannishing whatever is giving you this power. Name it and ban it.
Then if you want it back, summon it again, or just seek the sincronycities around you.
>>17415441
This.
Try to see things from both angles at the same time. The real reality and the "magical" reality.
Instead of just seeing truths, try to see a network of possibilities and use just the "real world" ones with usual people.
>>17415455
it doesn't have a name and I want to keep it that way; but I invented a banishing ritual yesterday. As for now, it's working I guess. It's funny how all this shit resembles so much as having an OCD
>>17415468
Yeah! And why not try to see things from even more angles at one time? My feeling is that any one description is not enough to describe one's experience, but even more so, I just pissed off a whole boatload of Creationists. Didn't mean to. . . really
>>17415303
>how do you reconcile this knowledge with your common life.
because I recognize it as common life, it is common, most just dont realize it. They don't need to, and you are not required to inform them. While the two realities are not actually separate, it's not difficult to cognitively separate them either if it's more comfortable.
>>17415375
>which isn't really the occult proper
As above so below, folk magic isn't "low magic" because it's inferior, its "low" because of it's focus and it's interactions with the uninitiated. Same principles, same sympathetic systems, same magic, different focus.
>the real deal is entrenched in study and learning
Folk magic has a great deal of learning to be acquired within it.
>>17415272
see a doctor you crazy fuck
>>17415432
>What is /fringe/?
A horrible place where self proclaimed master wizards hit each other on the head with complete BS theories. I don't like it but sometimes it is necessary to go there and ask questions.
It's on that other site known as cripplechan or something.
>>17415552
so i can spend my days in a madhouse? or taking some opiates to keep me stupid all my life? no, thanks. I'd gladly forget all of this and think its a dream, but i don't think it's possible.
>>17415569
>opiates
not for what you got princess, they aren't going to put you on painkillers or even antidepressants, so you don't have to worry about being a zombie.
>a madhouse'
are you a danger to yourself or others? Do you self harm? do you fantasize about harming others? you won't end up in a nut house, you'll just get some antipsychotics and a bit of talk therapy to help straighten your shit out.
The doctor is not your enemy. So see a doctor you crazy fuck.
>>17415608
Don't. You'll get sick from the anti-psychotic meds.
Doctors aren't aware of the outside of the book. They can't be, because their years of effort have pinned them down.
>>17415608
which kind of therapy is gonna make me forget that I made snow once? That a dice rolled a combination straight with impossible odds?
maybe an hypnotist, but I don't think i want to put more magic into this lol
>>17415272
just learn to be cool, don't panic and take it one step at a time. You don't need to panic because:
1) if you know anything about the current science of memory, you know that your memory is not very reliable. Look up confabulation, just as one example. it's pretty likely that shit when you were 19 didn't go exactly as you remember it and nothing's going on here that can't be explained by things like cognitive biases and self-hypnosis
2) Let's say I'm wrong, this power hasn't done anything harmful and seems to be largely under your control.Last time, you made it go away by just deciding to stop thinking about magic, and now it's only back because you made the decision to start thinking about magic again. Even as you make the decision to keep thinking about magic you can hold it at bay with banishing spells. You are in control.
Here's what i think is happening. You were a very wise teen who knew he was in over his head and so moved on for a while until he got more mature. Now you are a mature stable adult who started reading about magic again because you realize you are ready to bring it back into your life on your terms. This is a power, psychological or metaphysical, that you can use to improve your life and the lives of those you love while learning about yourself and the universe. Embrace it!
Do a ritual to make manifest the entity that controls the powers. Ask it what it is. Ask it if it's a part of you or an independent being. Ask what it wants.Be courteous but always ask for evidence, remember you can banish whenever you want so you are in charge. If you have a common interest, or can each help one another secure an interest, then work together. If the entity is hostile, just banish the sucker forever. Have fun!
>>17415753
thank you for your help. The ritual thing sounds like a good idea, but I'm too scared should it go wrong. My main panic is losing my mind, a schizo or a potatohead in the proccess; so I'll try to avoid any more magic; at least the intentional one (I don't know why but I feel that magic is in every act we do, but we do it unconsciously). I also feel that no matter how It proved its identity/intentions, I would never be totally 100% sure (how do that things are proven anyway?) but thank you, you helped me put it in perspective and now it doesn't look so bad
>>17415877
ok, in that case, maybe do a big banishing ritual and instead of reading things about magic start reading things by skeptics who can give you a better account of how things like what you are describing can be accounted for naturalistically
>>17415908
I think i'll have to accept that this kind of things happen, but to let other people delve into it. I don't think I can just convince me that it was just a "funny coincidence" or "selective memories"; I remember myself then telling me that it was real and that I should not ever delude me into believing it wasn't. Do you think i can have a psychotic seizure or insanity due to this? because thats what i want to avoid at all costs.
I don't think i can banish the thing permanently, but it's true that the less attention i give it, the less activity it makes.
>>17415538
could you explain a little more on the focus thing? Which is the focus of the occult?
Had it ever dawned onto you that it is simply you manifesting your will?
What you perceive as an outer entity could simply be your higher self, which you shouldn't be suspicious of.
Just wish good things and you're good to go - I find this works wonders when my friends are in need.
>>17416206
of course I have. But I cannot be sure. Sometimes it plays tricks on me, sabotaging my plans, but other times has proven to do me really good favors.
>>17416275
I Introduce you, the trickster.
>>17416120
>insanity
best thing you can do for that is stay calm, measure the evidence impersonally and go see a doctor or psychologist, although i think you're most likely fine. Wrt memory, you are no more certain that you remember it correctly than the people who suffer documented confabulation are certain they remember their pasts correctly. Anyhow, if you want to establish whether or not you have magic powers once and for all, buy a deck of cards and a shuffling machine (pretty cheap) and see what percentage of the time you can guess the right cards, document carefully so you can be sure that you aren't misinterpreting the results. I think after an hour or so you'll see you don't have powers, but if you do, then you'll at least have a demonstration to show others you aren't just crazy. Best of luck
>>17415303
It's easy. Just take a breath, don't try to obssess over it. It would seem that what you've experienced is indeed a type of magick.. the best sources to learn from are people who know what they're talking about.. or books. Obviously some grimoires like the necronomicon are just meant for entertainment, but then you've got books like Konstantinos: Summoning Spirits.. now, it's slightly mislead in the sense that the author believes that magick is derived from the Christian god, but in reality magick isn't derived from any deity.. We are simply made of the same essence.. at least, our souls are. Go out there and seek what knowledge you deserve. The information is yours to find...
Magick could be defined as the using of this energy (as well as your own will to manipulate it) to perform certain tasks.. It's not like Harry Potter or anything, but you could give yourself luck (with a rune or something, like Fehu for example). Good luck, my friend
>>17415272
>I held several totems in my house, carried a chicken leg everywhere, had numerical mind codes, etc. I just made up shit, using the dark tower and videogames as inspiration. But somehow the magic worked. I had many synchronicities, signals and messages who eventually all had meaning.
>One day I made snow.
Have you heard of Unknown Armies?
http://ua.johntynes.com/
Human beings are hard-wired to see patterns. Seek and ye shall find.
>>17415375
>Most of what you're talking about seems to be folk magic, which isn't really the occult proper.
Spoken like a true thelemite shitlord with no scope of occult history before the 19th century.
>>17416520
Konstantinos Summonning Spirits? Casually It was one of the few i downloaded from /x/. I dismissed it as fake; as it treated entities as commonly visible with all sort of details; and up to where i understood, those things are mostly manifestations than anything. Do you really think that one can summon Gnomes and Undines? Like gnomes with pointy hats and everything? How is that not Harrypotteresque? Is even better!
>>17416801
>Do you really think that one can summon Gnomes and Undines?
They're classes of spirits. Which is pretty much the foundation of real occultism.
>>17415272
You're a natural born witch!
You should look into you family background and see if you have any folk healers or especially midwives in there.
The Craft is meant to be private and mysterious, try to focus less on trying to get people to understand and just accept that you're just more in-tune than most people.
Cherish your connection to the divine machinations of the Universe, you can find great beauty in pushing your boundaries.
You shouldn't feel lonely, there are lots of witchfolk among us, I for one completely know where you're coming from and I'm lucky because I come from a lineage of witches and my Mother can relate with me.
I recommend getting into the chaos magick community, it's very experimental and sounds right up your alley with your techniques, you know just what feels right, and you'll meet like-minded and similarly abled people.
>>17415303
Ever consider improving the world with these gifts?
Ending wars, curing a disease, altering time?
>>17415281
>>17415303
>how do you keep your sanity once you read all this?
I compress everything into a manic interpretation of "It's all time travel." It's working well so far.
>>17417556
Youre lucky. My mother spent her life either denying her gifts, or using them to push her ego. Hardcore bi-polar alcoholic with anger issues.
After many many years of suffering, and going on and off meds Im finally doing great. Awesome waves of energy everyday, great abundance and fortune, and I no longer suffer depression.
Dont try to fight the energy, let it work its magic.
>>17415293
You have to be very, very honest with yourself. Did the pattern actually remain unbroken?
>>17418287
Not anon you replied to but I admire your strength. When I was younger I thought I had some sort of gift which eventually fucked me up for years. I've never spoken about it.
Basically, I had this system where if an item of clothes I was wearing landed in a certain position in my room around after I undressed at night then whatever I was imagining would or wouldn't happen, I know thats a terrible explanation, sorry. I never really went over the top with my predictions and when I did the prediction would always be no. I think I have caused harm to people doing this. It really messed me up.
>>17418573
That old adage of slow and steady really is universally true.
Just gotta keep getting back up again.
>>17418577
Is that you Jeb?
>>17417083
Which is the nature of those spirits? Do you think that they're product of the mind of the caster or do they have a mind of their own? that part scares the shit out of me the most.
>>17417083
>>17417083
>>17418762
also, do you think that they're created by men imagination into existance or do they predate humanity?
>>17415632
Embrace it anon
>>17419011
>>17419011
thats what I'm trying to do now, but I'm scared to go any further on this. Just the knowledge of all this shit existing has disturbed my normal life. My main concerns are keeping my family life as normal, and I fear that If i go deeper in magick that would not be possible. I don't even know how to tell all this to my wife without her dumping me for considering me a potential schizo
>>17415487
Don't guess. BELIEVE
>>17419038
You need to learn how to keep yourself grounded in 'reality' and focus on some shadow work. There's nothing to be afraid of... You are being your own worst enemy here.
>>17419068
>shadow work
How could I do this? Is there any good guide or tips for it? I try to be sincere with me always if that counts.
>>17419085
It is a call for conscious, intentional life. Instead of being a mute observer and victim, you seek to strengthen the innermost Self so that the voices can be heard, not denied; heeded without dominating.
Look up shadow work
Jung
Confessional magic
>>17419038
If they matter, they don't mind, if they mind they don't matter.
>>17419715
I'm not as far from reality to turn my back on my loved ones
OP here. I was thinking on starting vipassana meditation to see if i can focus my mind and shake some fears from me. I did some of it years ago and I liked the results. Do you think it will help?
>>17420023
well since you fucked your shit up and need a rabbit hole maybe, also try keeping sliver on you during it or when you dont do it.
>>17420106
I don't understand you at all mate. I can guess you're ironizing but thats it.
>>17415303
The endpoint of nihilism is total freedom. No law but love.
>>17422072
Also, you still have to live in consensus reality, so its generally best to not forget about it totally, or at least be logical in a descartes kind of sense
>>17418762
>>17418769
I used to believe that they were "psychic projections" or whatever. But once you realize that all that is just as much insane sounding as being separate and independent.The only reason to believe that is to protect your own ego and sanity. Before the 19th century all magicians believed in spirits as independent beings. In the 19th century the scientific revolution shook everyone to their core and nihilism began to take over. The idea of a scientific spirituality became very appealing because it sounded respectable and more real. But all those theories are laughed at now by the scientific community even more so then "superstition". Now you have a renaissance of the spirit model and its catching steam as the correct model of occultism. So in the face of all that, what do you think?
>>17415272
>deviantart
>x's occult threads
If you cant handle this babby tier shit you couldnt handle the REAL esoteric world.
95% of occult information here is an exoteric trap and are memes.
>>17422515
wow this really helps me understand anything. What's some real occult information then?
>>17415272
meh, i cursed two people by accident.
one is a vegetable and the other one offed himself.
magic is fucked up.
>>17415272
Similar stuff happened to me. Been able to make weird weather shit happen since I was 14, even jokingly made bets with my friends until I was 16 about how certain things would happen. Was mostly interested in new age gobbledygook at first, but also got into chaos magick because it sounded cool. Not gonna lie, I ended up fucking over my education for a couple of years because I could manipulate my way out of going to school(I was really depressed and figured I was gonna kill myself so why bother). Still amazed that my school let it even get to such a point, it was a fucking stupid thing to do but I got away with it anyway without even getting out of bed. Basically used the same stuff to pass with unnatural ease despite having horrific attendance.
I still do it a lot, but because of it I haven't really got deeply into anything but my own knowledge/intuition since I was 16. I do stuff like this as easy as breathing now, but I never really grew beyond it, just learned one gimmick and did everything else based on intuition. Even learned how to do more stuff through that single thing, I read some books now and I already know half the practices despite never even getting that far. I'm 18 now and trying to get into more serious stuff, but a lot of it seems really stupid or unnecessary. If I can get most of what I want just through will, meditation, trance, energy work or whatever else elemental austere stuff, why bother buying a bunch of fancy things like altars and ritual tools, spendings hours drawing unnecessary symbols, setting up 20 candles, invoking the powers of angels, using those Angels to bind demons, using those demons to astral project into hell and then beg Satan to gib $$ pl0x? I'm mostly just interested in knowledge at this point, knowing more about how the things I do work and how to do more, to understand the nature of this world further and spiritually augment myself.
>>17422515
Nice image. See you back at full.
>>17422808
how?
>>17415303
I keep my sanity by getting treatment for schizophrenia. Go see a doctor, you aren't an unique snowflake, you're most likely a schizophrenic with delusions and psychotic breaks.
>>17415379
Lmao
>>17415272
Okay then anon, I'm willing to bite. But you can't be all >I'm such a high level wizard wat do XD without telling us how the fuck you're doing shit like manipulating reality.
OP I receive an email that is essentially a prophecy by Mother Mary, the mother of the Christian God, I suppose intended for those who will hear it, to help us reach out to Jesus,
"Dear children, My coming to you is a gift from the Heavenly Father for you. Through His love I am coming to help you to find the way to the truth, to find the way to my Son. I am coming to confirm the truth to you. I desire to remind you of the words of my Son. He pronounced words of salvation for the entire world, the words of love for everyone - that love which He proved by His sacrifice. But even today, many of my children do not know Him, they do not want to come to know Him, they are indifferent. Because of their indifference my heart suffers painfully. My Son has always been in the Father. By being born on earth He brought the divine and from me received the human. With Him the word came among us. With Him came the light of the world which penetrates hearts, illuminates them and fills them with love and consolation. My children, all those who love my Son can see Him, because His face can be seen through the souls which are filled with love for Him. Therefore, my children, my apostles, listen to me. Leave vanity and selfishness. Do not live only for what is earthly and material. Love my Son and make it so that others may see His face through your love for Him. I will help you to come to know Him all the more. I will speak to you about Him. Thank you."
Jesus who is the living God of the universe
>>17424009
basically there are times when you know that is gonna work, that if you will for something you'll get it. Sometimes there are certain requirements that for me are indistinguishable to OCD rituals. That is all. If you get to believe totally in that the thing is gonna work, it does. Sometimes it takes a while and manifests when the force finds it "funnier" for it, i guess.
>>17415272
Howdy friend, what city do you live in?
>>17424502
At the story's time, I lived in the east coast of spain. I don't want to say the name of the city in 4chan, just in case. I can assure you that the last time it snowed was on my parent's childhood, and it hasn't snowed ever since.
>>17415272
if you are going to this website to learn about the occult, you are in the wrong place dude lol. i gave up on this shit ass board, only to browse on the off chance that something interesting pops up, which is rarely does
