Oh shit nigger, you're a Barbarian.
After an Imperial raid on your tribe that left most of your brothers dead. You are now facing against a Knight from the Empire that lead the attack.
What do you do?
Previous threads:
http://pastebin.com/sR3G3F2A
>>315629120
Hit Pause button
Situation report
Inventory check
>>315629120
Call for backup. Just in case, ya know.
>>315629120
throw cat dust onto himhe is allergic to cats
>>315629120
Use a barbarian call to Summon a land slide of skulls
Use your standu
>>315629120
punch self in face
>>315629214
some barrels of wine, some crates of foodand some feverish babiesunless they disappeared when I wasn't watching
We might still have like 2-3 big rocks left because I only saw us throw a few
Call Chad for help!
>>315629235
Well, among the survivors, there's your Commander, who's busy fighting off the Empire's beasts and soldiers by himself.
Maybe your fellow barbarian, Chad, also survived
>>315629481
we need no chad. activate burning finger
>>315629481
Chads alive. Ask him for help.
>>315629481
>>315629442
>>315629481
No, fuck Chad. We stand alone.
>>315629481
Pursuade Chad to help you with the power of friendship!
>>315629548
Fwoosh. Yous et your hand on fire
>>315629790
Oh yeah, that's REAL intimidating.
>>315629790
ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA
>>315629790
Now ghostpunch him with the burning hand. The perfect strategy.
>>315629790
Remember uncle ghegas khan
>>315629790
ghost punch with burning hand to set the leader's inards on fire
>>315629906
You engage in abattle of fists
>>315630161
Can fist fuel melt steel armor?
>>315630161
Throw dirt in his eyes
>>315630161
Now give with your free leg draw out a new game plan
>>315630161
SWEEP THE LEG
>>315630161
Sweep the leg then eat it
>>315630208
"Fist fuel can't melt steel armor!"
"Shut up you madman"
"INSIDE JOB!"
>>315630515
do we still have the fever babies or did we lose them at some point?
>>315630515
take advantage of his shiny metal pants to give him a shiny metal wedgie. that'll teach him
>>315630515
So the beast is clearly stronger than the Knight (as implied here >>315629481)
Why doesn't it lead the Imperial raid then?
>>315630515
we don't NEED to melt it. We have ghostpunches. BURN THE MAN INSIDE THE SUIT
>>315630515
>navy seals copypasta
Do it
>>315630515
Bob you're a fool you know the king staged the IX/XI attack so we can Fuck up the barbs.
>>315630570
Because it's an animal.
>>315630556
"YOU CAN'T SILENCE ME ! I KNOW THERE'S A CONSPIRACY!"
"Oh jeez, just be quiet"
"THE KING STAGED IX/XI! HE NEEDED AN EXCUSE TO INVADE BARBARIA! READ BETWEEN THE LINES!"
>>315630907
This is your chance. Grab one of the soldiers and throw hin into the knight.
>>315630907
the holocaust was a lie
there's no massive imperial graves where they should be
Barbler did nothing wrong
>>315630907
Rocket kick him into a mountain
>>315631029
The knight caught the soldier
>>315631260
soldier explodes
>>315631260
while his hands are occupied punch him in the face
>>315631260
IT WAS A CTUALLLY AN ARMOR FILLED WITH DYNAMITE
>>315631260
Find the knights wife and fuck her
It's adventure TIME not thing!
>>315631347
Sadly, being an barbarian, you don't know how to use dynamite.
It did nothing
>>315631398
god damned anon
>>315631450
good thing you had your hands on fire while tossing dynamite
it caught fire and explodes
>>315631450
But you did know how to heat up the armor with your fire finger. Ruh-roh.
>>315631450
punch the knight in the head while his hands are occupied
>>315631518
THe knight throws the about to explode armor back at you
>>315631738
Throw it back
Faster.
>>315631738
PUNCH IT BACK
>>315631738
ENGAGE IN FRIENDLY GAME OF ARMOR TOSS!
>>315631738
You punch it back at the knight
>>315631738
Run!
>>315631829
"Ah yes, the Tennis Boss battle"
"A staple of many video games"
>>315632014
successfully get all the QTE prompts
>>315632014
Sneakily heat it up more, that'll throw off his sense of timing.
>>315632014
THE FOOL!
HE HAS FALLEN FOR OUR TRAP!
NOW WE SHALL-
Wait, wait, sorry its the manditory armor toss half-time break.
>>315632014
throw the armour at him, and charge him. By obligation, he must catch the armour to
>>315632097
"Hey, doesn't that armor look suspiciously about to explode quicker than expected to you?"
"Yes, like someone is sneakily heating it up"
>>315632269
Now for perception check on Knight's part.
>>315632269
good thing you played all those mario party games. you win, soldier explodes in enemy hands
>>315632408
"Ah! Sneaky bastard!"
>>315632539
Goddamnit. Rush him with ghostpunches so he doesn't know what to defend from first.
>>315632539
Suddenly, a twist in your tale
>>315632539
throw it then rush at him
>>315632665
He ignores the armor and charges straight at you instead. The armor explodes behind him, but he was out of the blast radius
>>315632951
counter-reverse-charge him
>>315632951
Well, time for original plan. Fire up hands and ghostpunch him to burn him from the inside.
>>315632951
Grab the faggot by the horn
>>315633035
A reverse charge?....Running away?
>>315633221
counter charge him, but running backwards.
>>315633221
You take too long to think about the statement and Knight slams into you
>>315633221
Activate Witch Time
>>315633221
run past him
>>315633478
quick! demoralize him with a cheeky barbarian limerick!
>>315633478
Why is this so funny
>>315633478
drop a banana peel
>>315633643
Knight slips and goes on a comically long stumbling sequencewith perfect recovery
>>315633643
Step on it, launching you into Knight at the speed of sound
>>315633643
Perception check, fail on me now.
>>315633918
Fall anyway
>>315633918
>99 out of 100 judges were impressed
>>315633918
Ask Great Grandpa Ghost for advice.
>>315633918
Engage turbo thrusters
>>315633947
Despite not touching the peel, you fall down anyway
>>315634196
Cry
>>315634196
For our next trick, we wait until the Knight gets closer and ghostpunch him in the knee.
roll cry check.
>>315634196
Witchcraft!
We are being outmatched, surely there is but one course of action left.
Roll to seduce!
>>315634196
it was trick maneuver to body slam enemy OUT OF NOWHERE
>>315634248
You cried
>>315634196
Invincibility roll!
>>315634432
Maybe if we continue crying, he'll leave us aloneso that we can attack from the back
>>315634432
Chad laughs at us and calls us a fag
>>315634432
Create a new sword out of the tears!
>>315634519
What a meanie
>>315634637
Out of sheer hate for Chad, stand up stronger than before.
>>315634637
The Knight is actually frozen in that position now. He desperately calls out for help
>>315634637
Use water gun of tears! Rust his armor
>>315634637
Tell Chad, through the sobs, to fucking stab the guy, he's in fucking prime position!
How could he not remember the old crying bear technique?!
>>315634758
The knight quickly grabs Chad and use him as a shield
>>315634908
Goddammit chad!
>>315634908
Tired of these shenanigans, Knight calls upon the Gigantic Scary Beast Thing to finish us off and calls it a day.
>>315634908
Dickslap Chad
>>315634908
body slam knight OUT OF NOWHERE
together with Chad
>>315634908
Ask the knight if he's actually a cute girl
>>315635096
Ok, we are clearly way too underleveled for this fight. Get the fuck out of there with Barbarian Commander and Chad while our campsite burns in the background
>>315635096
Now use chad as a wet club and beat the knight to rust
>>315635096
How is the Knight even determined enough to fight our barbarian ass?
>>315635096
The knight is so disgusted by this that he looks away, giving you the time to get in a free attack!
grab chad's helmet and bash the knight's head in.
>>315635156
The Knight grabs a nearby tree and smacks it against your Chad, deflecting the wet blows.
You get down and lower your chin and gurgle to intimidate him
>>315635440
>>315635440
ANOTHER BLOW
>>315635440
JUST HIT HARDER GOD DAM
>>315635478
And so you did.
No effect
>>315635723
Surely, he must get tired of this and move on to the next barbarian.
>>315635723
Match him blow for blow chad can take it
>>315635789
At which point he snaps Chad's neck
>>315635990
u-unsnap chad to revive him
>>315635990
Jokes on him, his father fucked an owl.
>>315635990
Turns out Chad made a dummy Chad and is actually safe, but he died of super cancer cause Chad smokes too much.
>>315635990
yeah rip
Keep your distance until he's distracted enough, then attack from behind.
>>315635990
>>315635145
carry Chad's body with you
>>315635990
CHAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>315635990
Wear Chad's skull over your own skull for double the skull power!
>>315635990
Take Chad and run!
>>315635990
snap the leader's neck in return
>>315635990
Snap the tree's neck!
>>315636032
"So this guy's half-owl?"
"Yeah, the tribe was pretty grossed out when they heard from my dad"
>>315636504
BITCH HERE COMES THE PAIN TRAIN
>>315636504
But still, >>315635145
>>315636504
Make an owl pun.
>>315636504
snap leader's neck
>>315636597
>running away after chad & all the other barbarians die
fuck you man
>>315636504
Enough of this foolishness, you call on the barbarian gods to grant you the power to smite this grave foe
>>315636504
Quick! Complement his helmet!
>>315636597
And so you escaped. Sadly most of your brothers haved died.
You, Chad, The Commander and a handful of Barbarian children he managed to save are the only survivors of this massacre.
Chad survived the neck snapping due to being half-owl. The tribesmen never let him live it down. Now they're all dead so it kinda works out I guess.
"We need to get to the chief" said the commander
>>315636896
The Chief? But he's all the way on the other side of the world!
>>315636896
Ride a bear back to our fortress.
>>315636896
The Chief was brutally killed by the Empire. We will avenge him in due time. Meanwhile, I suggest myself as a new Chief.
>>315636896
Go to the gratest chief in the world
gordonkorman
>>315636896
I am the chief, me make um teepee
>>315637058
Sadly you are correct. The attack on your camp was part of a wholescale slaughter of barbarians. The King personally slew the chief himself.
>>315637451
grow a beard
>>315637451
We need to have votes on the new chief
>>315637451
Quest to kill the king you'll need a full on party with orcs and elves and orc elves and a bard
>>315637451
IS THAT HIM?
DON'T TAKE THIS AS ROLL BUT AS A QUESTION
>>315637508
Beard grown
>>315637754
We couldn't even kill a shitty-ass homo knight so it looks like we're gonna have to adventure around the world and build up a party. But who do we recruit first?
>>315637754
Stroke it smooth and gently
>>315637816
You stoke your beard. The commander appears to talk to you.
"You did good, boy. That knight was one of the king's top 3 knights, and you managed to survive an encounter with him, that's at least something to be glad about"
>>315637732
Yes, that is the king holding the head of your former chief
>>315638139
BITCH MAH CREW DIED IN THERE, WHATCHU TALKING ABOUT?
>>315638139
Thanks, Dad
>>315638139
Manly tear
>>315638139
Scream at the commander and shake Chad around to show your repent for your failure to kill the knight.
>>315638139
Travel with the survivors, working as freelance mercenaries.all for revenge
Elect yourself the new chief.
>>315638258
"Ssshhh, don't let the other survivors know that. They may accuse me of nepotism when I vote you as the new chief later"
>>315638460
Dad, I'm gay
>>315638460
"Excellent. Let's begin with the bonding ritual."
punch each other in the face
>>315638460
dickslap your dad
>>315638460
Canon will not be a chef.
Canon will go for quest of his revenge.
Canon will come back victorious.
>>315638460
Dad I want a new bike wolf
>>315638460
What should we do now daddy
>>315638519
"Yes, I've known for years now, but don't let the others know that, they won't accept you as chief if they do"
>>315638519
forgetting all those streight points, anon
>>315638693
Well, what are we waiting for?
>>315638693
Gay for a bike - wolf dad
>>315638693
hold that fukken vote to elect the new chief
>>315638693
Let's travel across the world to recruit new men
Reminder that the qt peasant girl or the thief might still be alive and we should recruit them.
>>315638937
I want an orc wash buckler
He washes buckles.
>>315638749
"Well, since our camp burned down, we don't have much resources left. If we want to recruit mercs and adventurers we can either raid some caravans or somesuch to have more money, or use what we already have and head to the nearest adventurers' inn. Or we could train the barbarian children and let them carry out our quest for revenge instead."
>>315639091
Do all
>>315639091
Raid
>>315639091
Fuck it, let's do all 3.
Chad raises Barbarian babies, Cmmander raid some people and and we go to the inn
>>315639091
Or 4 we have a giant orgy
>>315639091
Start off on an adventure around the world and recruit people as you meet them.
>>315639091
Look for the qt peasant girl and thief.
you know I think this has the potential to be another 20 parter
>>315639208
"All the women are dead you fag"
>>315639378
I thought you were a woman, Chad.
>>315639378
fuck everything. You go into hidden village. I go kill empire.
>>315639378
We can kidnap and rape them?
>>315639378
Let's go raid some caravans
>>315639378
I didn't hear a noooooo?
>>315639378
So it's settled, we train child soldiers for our revenge.
>>315639498
And so you split up. You are given the remaining gold and instructions by your Dad Commander:
"Take this gold and hire some adventurers, it should be enough for about 2. After that do quests with them, become stronger and get more gold. So you can hire even more adventurers. After I make some money by raiding caravans I shall do the same. Chad will stay hidden in the forest to train the children. After we have amassed a proper army, I will send you the signal to attack the Empire"
>>315639859
Hire a bard and a healsut
>>315639859
Bust down the door, yell for Amanda Hunginkiss!
>>315639859
Waste gold on wenches and ale
>>315639859
Hire a dickass thief and a sexy girl healer
>>315639859
Hire : man with no game
And simon
>>315639928
"Ah! So you need a bard and a healer! Very good, how much are you willing to pay?" asked the innkeeper/guildmaster
>>315640230
Throw the gold the commander have you in his face.
>>315640230
70% healslut, 30% bard
>>315640230
"five fingers, now cough em up"
>>315640230
Change mind ask for a cobbler and newspaper boy
>>315640230
No matter the price we name, the innkeeper asks for $10 extra
>>315640230
Im not sure about this, you're not jewing us are you?
>>315640230
What else you got
>>315640349
"A , hehe, neccessary booking and paperwork fee, of course
>>315640469
Are you trying to jew me?
>>315640469
Fuck him, go talk to the people by yourself.
>>315640469
Tell him about the 6 trillion of his kind that died
>>315640469
"the empire killed six gorillion of your people. I just need help to stop them"
>>315640558
And it's that time again! Choose what class you want to talk to
>>315641065
A former gladiator who is tired of the Empire's oppressive nature
>>315641065
Wrestler
lock in and confirm
>>315641065
Where is my orc? I need my orc
>>315641065
PEASANT
BARD
MONK
IN THAT ORDER
What is this /tg/ shit doing on /v/?
>>315641065
Wizard and Knight
>>315641065
Use Barbarian vision to see which one is the best
>>315641374
Getting away from all the Fallout 4 threads.
>>315641065
Thief, wizard
Do I have any healthpotions or lifesteal? Is there any level difference?
PALADIN ANDELF
>>315641136
"Oh yeah, I was once a Gladiator in the Imperial Arena, was a champion too. But all those killing, just for other people's amusement was jsut too much, you know. I want to kill for my own amusement damnit. So I left and became an adventurer. Luckily the masters allowed me to keep my equipment....but not my winnings though"
>>315641175
Right here in this mystery box I have, too abd gladiator got first
>>315641550
As the thread has shown. You're a 2 and he's a 30
>>315641587
Do you like waffles?
>>315641587
Ask what his weapon mastery is
>>315641587
What's your price
>>315641675
So run away of course maybe come back after we are equal if I know he has any good loot otherwise fuck it.
>>315641681
"Yeah, who doesn't?"
>>315641587
If I best you in a fight will you join me?
>>315641850
Alright, you're hired
>>315641850
Join me and I promise we'll become rich by plundering the Empire
>>315641850
Make him some waffles as payment for his service
>>315641907
YOu hired the gladiator. Since he's used to fight for low pay in the arena and is currently broke his price is pretty cheap. You'll be able to hire one more and maybe have some gold left for some new equipment.
>>315641850
I don't.
>>315642157
bard
>>315642157
Now to go and find that heal slut.
>>315642157
Mystery box
>>315642157
BARD
>>315642157
mystery box
