I think I finally know what it's like when you want to kill yourself. I was watching a few videos on youtube. Some art major guy called technical dave. It was about his experiences during his art school years at a school called Sheridan. I got really depressed watching his vids. They were stories of him succeeding and shit even though there were hardships along the way. I started thinking about how all the problems in my life were just me personally. After all this guy is able to be happy and have a good life, with his experiences shaping him rather than breaking him. The world hurt these individuals too, and they cared about the pain that it caused them, just like we all do. The difference being that they move on. At this point I get into the shower. I started thinking about why **I** can't move on, I want to take the next step forward too, after all. I looked into myself and found that what was wrong with me was just...me. All these years I've stayed stagnant while my friends, family, and loved ones moved on. All these fucking years, it was me that was holding me back, not some twisted fate the universe set for me, it was me. And I want to fucking change, I do but fuck...why is it so hard. I thought that I was gonna try to hang myself with the shower tubing right there and started to make some sort of noose with it. I didn't. Maybe it's because of some left over optimism, that's what I would l like to think. Maybe it was some sort of feeling of "what the fuck am I doing, am I really going to die like this? Naked, wet, and hanging off of some shower tubing". Or maybe it's because I'm a coward. Whatever it was, it is the closest I've ever been to trying to kill myself. It probably would've failed anyway, the shower tubing would've likely have just been ripped off the wall. Afterwards I just felt empty. I stepped out of the shower and dried myself with a towel. I went to get a bowl of rice because I felt hungry for some reason. And now I'm here, typing this shit out.
Oh piss, I've come a long fucking way too to whatever success I am right now. I was a dumb kid, I was a dumb teenager, I was hurt, I collapsed, I ran away, I hid, I ran away, I spun out of control and then I got up and made some fucking choices. Those choices all blew up in my face and I ran away again. That time I realized that there was no more running nor hiding so I ended up doing something and now I'm working a "stable" job wage slaving at minimum wage doing what "I love". Its horrible, I hate every fucking day and I hate myself to the point I drink all the time to forget I am me. but hey op, don't take what somebody elses life is and project it onto your own. We are all at our own paces. No two people walk at the same stride so who the fuck cares if some faggot on the internet somewhere pulled through a ton of shit to become successful. I've been brought to hell by not 1 but 2 people and they left me there to climb out of it on my own to have just about nothing but I still carry the fuck on because I still believe tomorrow might be a brighter fucking day. I've gotten so low I've pulled the trigger but life said I was supposed to live it and here I am. Here we all are. You're still alive now pull through what ever real or fake problems you are facing. You can do it. Sink or swim or just float there till you can make the choice. We've all been hollow, we've all been whole and we have all been there before now just get in the fucking boat.
IKTF.
I want to change but I don't even know how.
I would have killed myself already if I had the balls to do it. I want to do it so badly, but like with improving, I don't know how to actually make myself go through with it.
>>28688634
>>28688712
>>28688738
it's true my friend. relying on others for your own happiness and fulfillment is not sustainable in life.
out of all the things you can control, the people around you are not one of them. It's very hard to make the push to better yourself, and everyone struggle with it in their own kind of way. A lot of my friends struggle with finances. Some do so with looks or the opposite sex. I struggle with my awful ability to overthink and under appreciate everything.
We all have a void to fill, and it's up to YOU to fill it with whatever it is that belongs there. Life is the journey to do that. Whether that void gets filled with work, your hobbies, pastimes, or even another person. You need something to distract you from all the bullshit while at the same time being productive.
I just turned 20 last month and I think about killing myself all the time. I also don't think I have the guts to do it. But I scare myself sometimes thinking about it. People on this board are generally pretty hostile, but it's good to get your inner thoughts out somewhere. If there were a safe way for me to reach out more I would without giving away personal info.
Just don't give up.
>>28688898
The issue is that none of us ever fucking asked for attention from others. I never asked to be part of this world nor did I ask to be involved in any society. I am forced to be here, forced to exist and now I have to deal with it. More problems. All people ever bring me is problems. OP just fucking figure it out man. Its not that hard. I know that sounds like bullshit normie advice but its not. Its blunt reality. Get hit like a hammer. Fucking figure it out.
>>28688939
Absolutely. It is really cruel that we're brought into this world with no consent.
why dont we all just move somewhere isolated and build our own world where we can just be oursleves and not have to deal with the outside worlds bullshit
>>28689049
What's worse is that they try to remove our choice to leave. I don't get it, why? Why not let someone die if they want to? Because you feel like they can make it through? Because you want them alive? For the wageslavery? Those are all ignorant and selfish reasons. No one asks to be born, and since freedom of choice is a thing, let people use that freedom to die if they so please. Oh also Iktf op, it's a wierd sense of self awareness and comparison, I don't think it'll ever go away, thats like becoming ignorant again after seeing the truth.
>>28689057
The thing is, that this isn't realistic. I never want to delude myself again, it's the thing that is keeping me back. I fantasize alot, about somehow being hardworking and suceeding one day. I want to exist and I want to make it, but I don't know anymore. I guess it's just that whenever I try to change it seems fake, as if changing myself is somehow betraying my true feelings about something, even though it's totally normal to feel like that when you're changing. At which point I lose faith in the idea of trying to change nyself, and I regress or stay stagnant.
