/guilt/
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You are currently reading a thread in /r9k/ - ROBOT9001
You are currently reading a thread in /r9k/ - ROBOT9001
We all know that guilt and self-destruction/isolation go hand in hand. Maybe the reason why you're a robot are deeper and more disturbing than you realize and you just repressed it.
What stuff do you feel the most guilty or SHOULD feel guilty about?
Why would something create me just to make me hate myself and feel guilt over the fact that I even exist?
I'm missing some things, but basically:
>I have a shit temper, I have said a lot of hurtful things to people in the past and rekt many relationships
>at some point I figured out how to change myself, and it worked for a bit. I began to prioritize being a better person. Life was still painful but it felt better.
>but one night I slipped up and it basically destroyed all of the progress I made because I knew I could not be forgiven and that forgiveness was something I needed for a cleaner slate
>stopped caring about basically everything, still don't care about anything except killing myself asap, but that's something I can't do because of family
>refuse to work to sustain myself, I'm not going to become a part of something I hate, but feel guilt over the fact that I am being sustained when others are not
>but I don't even fucking want to be alive, it isn't my choice, seems like a fucking cognitive trap to get me to be enslaved to the hive, some weird complex set of feelings that's being purposelessly thrust upon me
>one time I stole a bunch of shit from a supposed friend when I was younger
>don't know how to treat my cat right, I want to let her outside more and let her explore because she hates being caged as much as I do, but my mom would freak out and if she died or got lost. I know I would be held responsible by not only my mother but another woman who loves this cat very much, and that I would have to feel guilt for causing them pain. So I'm maintaining the shit status quo because it seems like people are afraid of breaking the tension that obviously needs to be broken, myself included.
>cat still loves me anyway and sleeps with me every night
>cough syrup addict
>desperation is destroying me and driving me insane and I can't hold it together for long enough to be fucking decent to other people who are just playing the same shit game as me
>>28121692
>one time I stole a bunch of shit from a supposed friend when I was younger
Oh and I returned most of it
She actually fucking forgave me (cautiously), too. What the fuck.
I attempted to join the military but chickened out a month before the leaving date after realizing there was no way I was physically capable. I wasted a lot of people's time, government money, and lots of hope my friends and family had for me.
>people who I tried to be friends with hurt/ignore me
>people who tried to be my friend I hurt in fits of anger
>tfw guarded and rueful
>guy in the class above me makes some stupid comment toward me and my friend
>his friends all laugh
>people in my class laugh
>my friend comes round later that week
>"i hate that cunt i wish someone would show him"
>he's just a random guy saying something not that bad
>we send him messages from an email we made up saying we will beat him etc
>walking home the next monday
>he is about a hundred feet ahead on his own
>these guys, big skinheads in their 20s, jump out and knock him over
>really kicking him
>he is on the floor crying
>they kick him in the head and he passes out
>stamping on his head, neck and chest
>they leave
>walk past and he is bleeding bad, making a strange noise
>someone calls an ambulance
>he spends three months in hospital, walks with a limp since and had his face put back together
>the last thing he saw when he was getting beat by men was me down the road watching
>had emails threatening him
>everyone thought we had done it
>we were not involved at all
The guy got blind in one eye and had to go to physiotherapy for 2 years. No one spoke to me in school again. Me and my friend literally never spoke to anyone else. Everyone still thinks we arranged that when we were just two nerds who he called something stupid for having glasses.
The guy nearly died and people thought it was us that arranged it. The cops were involved, searched our houses and computers. We had sent the email from a computer at a fucking PC gaming convention. No one ever traced it.
Everything about it is fucked. People actually thought I could sort a serious, death risk beating. No one spoke with me again. His friends abandoned him. My friend got the fear and moved town. No one solved what happened, they just thought it was a random attack.
>>28122350
Did you get a lot of pussy after it made the round what you were capable of?
>>28122039
This. Why are kids so fucking disgusting?
>>28122532
If only I learned to just get angry instead of being 'polite' and holding it in.
>>28122618
I know that feel. My mother kind of spoilt me and programmed the feeling "anger" out of my system and that fucked me over big time. Whenever someone mistreated me I would just feel irritation or pity, when anger would be the correct response. Maybe I was simply too lazy for anger.
Man I made so many mistakes in my childhood it's a miracle I haven't killed myself. Not minor mistakes but gigantic, huge mistakes which shaped my entire present. The abyss between who I am and who I could be is gigantic and all due to the fact nobody told me "the rules" and I was too stupid to figure them out myselfes. Girls were literally drooling over me and alphas wanted to be my friends and I autistic fuck simply stayed in my room and ignored them because I thought they wanted to fuck with me. Needless to say that they hated me for it and spat on me. You see I came from Russia to Germany and everyone was curious about me, but I wasn't fucking curious about fucking anyone not even Russia.
I was literally the most clueless, autistic, robotic fuck on the fucking planet and if a gorgeous woman gave me 1 million I would probably have run away crying, thinking she just wants to fuck with me.
>>28122991
I see, thank you for explaining further. I can related to not knowing 'how to act' y'know? If I could put it into words I would y'see but I don't.
But Russian huh? Y'know I heard there's Russian saying about not trusting strangers who smile, something about them wanting something out of you hence the suspicion when they're 'happy to see you'. I don't know why I remember that.
