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Reminder to ignore the "if you're scared then ur not really gonna do it lol" memers

What keeps me going is the hope that life will get better. How old are you? If you're still in your 20s or younger, you can realistically hang on to the hope that things will get better (assuming you're in a first world country) eventually. As dumb as it sounds, it is what keeps me from killing myself. I've thought about suicide and killing myself last year by driving as fast as I could in my car and crashing into whatever was in my way with the gas cap undone and I was going to light my back seats on fire so that the crash plus the burning would have killed me. But I didn't do it. Idk why but I just didn't. I'm just clinging to the tiny possibility that someday I'll have a girlfriend and my own apartment and a steady job to live fairly comfortably. It probably sounds dumb but it is what it is

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

I personally do think this world is overwhelmingly a miserable, horrible place, too.

I want you to know that I'm sorry to hear you're suffering and I wish I could make it better but I'm pretty sure I can't.

If you kill yourself it'll make others suffer more and don't you ever wonrder

if this world is so awful, what if there's an even worse one afterward?

It's not "logical" to assume that but with the amount of suffering I've undergone, something like a "suffering principle" is starting to supercede logic for me

Now I'm just thinking that if there's something bad, that thing is probably real in some way.

I am sorry this is happening bro. I'm sorry we have to live in this horrible world and not in nice place.

If it were up to me it wouldn't be like this. But it's not up to me.

It casues misery to others. I would prefer to just change the way I feel so I enjoy my life, but I've run out of options to do that. I literally can't think of anything, I have no hope for feeling better in the future. I'm 24 now and I've been in and out of psych wards since 18 years old, I attempted suicide before, I've tried tonnes of meds, therapies, tonnes of off label therapies, tonnes of street drugs. I've tried moving to different places, I travelled around the world.

I mean since 18 it hasn't been constant suffering. It's just that my default state is misery it seems. I think about suicide a lot, daily since about 18 years old. I think what's the worth of life? If I focus on my experience it's like every part of it is painful. My vision is inflicting itself upon me, my feelings are pain in my body, my mind is miserable I have no hope for the future, I feel and am crying, I can't sleep I'm so fucking exhausted I hae low test from the methadone, no sex drive can't get an erection can't even jack off for the little pleasure of an orgasm.

Everything feels like a chore, or a task. A burden, life is inflicting it's misery upon me and it feels like I have no way of escaping it. I've tried so many different things, always thinking "well maybe this med will help, or maybe if I do that in the future I'll improve, or I'll just hold off suicide until I see how x works, or maybe y, and then if z doesn't work I'll try a". Always trying to imagine myself as happyier in the future in order to bear and endure the present.

But the truth is the future never comes. You never leave the present. I'll always be here in the present. And it just feels like no part of my present has any value. Not only has it no value it has actively negative value. It feels painful and miserable. I would rpefer it all to cease. If someone said I can stop any part of your experience, I can't think of any part that I wouldn't want to stop. There's nothing I want to continue experiencing.

I'm sorry you're sad, anon.

I won't tell you it will get better because it probably won't.

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>>27270012
>tfw started abusing drugs and the pain went away

A good policy when it comes to drugs is "Just Say No!" Always worked for me!

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>>27270312
The other shoe is just waiting to drop, anon.

>>27270176
so anyway, I was just writing this to vent, and hopefully someone can give me advice or instruction on how to imrpove my feelings. Life feels like a burden, a task, something to be endured. With no reward. There's nothing at the end of all your suffering and endurance, and your misery to make it all worth it. I feel like I'm trying to put things in the future to work towards, with the hope they will make me feel better. It's like I'm putting a carrot on a stick in the future. But it's like the carrot is just a fantasy. It's fake. Every time I've reached it it's just more misery. All the meds and therapies I've tried all the fucking effort I put in. I'm fucking drained. I've lost the will to keep struggling.

>What works for you when you feel suicidal or life is not worth living?
>how do you change your experience so that it is positive, or has value, or even make it pleasurable?
>has anyone here been depressed and then gone on to be happy about existing? found something worthwhile in this life? felt positive about existing?

personally I feel regret that I didn't die when I tried to kill myself, about 2 years ago. These past two years have been a lot of misery that I could of avoided had I just died. I wouldn't have missed out on anything great. It's just been a whole lot more misery and burden, and exhaustion hopelessness despair emptiness more thoughts about suicide about life being a burden and a task, the world being literal hell, and I want it all to just cease. I am so tired. I'm at the end of my hope and end of my energy. I just want to rest and be at peace.

Rationally I try to tell myself that this isn't really how the world is this is just a symptom of mental illness. But I have trouble believing it.

>>27270012

Listen to me anon. I love you. Don't do this because I know there will be a time where you look back on this and feel thankful that you didn't. Both my brothers destroyed their lives with drugs, one has made it through, the other one died.

I'm not going to try to understand what you're going through day to day, you just have to remember that people love and care about you. Even though I'm some random anon on the mongolian fishing village, if I found out that you died, I would care.

Stick through it, it will get better. There a plenty of things to live for, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

>>27270154
If you are going to do it, don't do this. Are you serious that you would want to take out some other innocent people too?

>>27270170
thanks for you thoughts I hope one day you feel better as well

>>27270455
>Listen to me anon. I love you.
oldest suicide cuck trick in the book anon.

It's impossible pretend like some random faggot out hundreds of miles from you actually gives a shit about your wellbeing. We're in way too deep

>>27270455
>If you are going to do it, don't do this. Are you serious that you would want to take out some other innocent people too?

that's not me by the way

>Stick through it, it will get better. There a plenty of things to live for, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

thanks for you kind words. I'm just really struggling with believing that it will get better. My past experience has shown me that this is basically just how my life is. I have found no way to actually raise my baseline level of mood. It just seems like how I am, is to be suffering and in real misery all the time.

I had a lot of anxiey all my life, even since I was a kid. And then around 16 I started to get depressed, and it just went downhill from there. My life has been really destroyed by this. I used to have hope and ambition, when I was a teenager. I thought that in the future I would be happy with my life. But it's just been the opposite. I dropped out of university, twice, I've got a few criminal charges (4DUI's, other driving charges, drug charges, etc), which messes with my job applications. It's fucked up anyway because I have nothing I want to buy I don't fucking desire anything. I just feel like I need money so I don't suffer as much. So I have to endure working just so I can suffer a little less. It's so fucking pointless. I feel like the dead are immune from suffering. Nothing can affect them. They are at peace.

But I'm like well that's going to happen anyway you might as well stay alive, you're not going to miss out on dying because you will die in the future no matter what you do. So you might as well live it doesn't even matter. But sometimes my mood and thoughts really plummet. To where I'm suffering so bad I seriously consider lethally harming my body just so I don't have to endure it any longer.

>>27270545
I'm not just some random anon, I am a symbol of humanity. Although many seem apathetic and even cynical like use does not mean that we have great capacity to care. If I can care, and I do, that means someone close to you can and will help you. Go and talk to someone. Tell them that you're not doing so well, and have been thinking about these things. I guarantee that help is not that far away.

>>27270724
I also feel that, even if I did get better in the future, if I just died now then it wont matter. Because I wont exist to be deprived of getting better, or miss out on getting better. So it wont matter to me, because there will not be a "me" for it to matter to. Even if I knew 100% I'd be euphoric for the rest of my life starting from say 2 months frm now. It still wouldn't matter if I just killed myself to avoid the two months of suffering, because I couldn't miss out on all the euphoria or be deprived of it. "missing out" and "being deprived, or feeling deprivation" are both sensations, which is not something non existent people can have.

I don't even know. I'm gonna go lay in the bath for a while. Thanks everyone for your concern, venting and getting this all out has at least distracted me for a while

>>27270734
I'd love to anon. But I honestly, deep as I can wish, cannot even fathom someone else giving that much of a shit about me unless they're pretending to for work. I very much doubt you can convince me otherwise.

>>27270724
The thing is anon, you're not alone in this struggle. There are many "well adjusted" individuals who have the same thoughts as you. You say that you have no desire for anything, that you have no hope or ambition. I can't tell you that you will be able to somehow gain hope and ambition someday, but I can tell you that there are plenty of people with jobs, a life, friends and a family who have the exact same feelings. I'm not trying to meme you into medication, but the feelings you have about yourself and your life won't always be there if you seek help in some form (like meditation, therapy, medication).

I don't have the same circumstances as you. From the outside it must appear like I have everything (relative to most), e.g. decent looks, tall, smart, not poor, going to good uni. I still feel a similar emptiness as you, but most likely no where near as bad.

Your first goal should be getting clean. You need help from people to do this. Ask for help from friends and family as long as you are serious about trying, they will most likely be happy to. Don't be proud, accept the fact that whatever people do for you, you can repay them later, and also accept that if the situations were reversed, would you help yourself.

>>27270896
If I were next to you, I'd give you a big hug and rub your back and say that I give a shit. Also maybe try going to church. I'm not religious, but I swear, every time I hear the words of the bible about Jesus loving us unconditionally, I just start tearing up. The people there also care for those who are trying to help themselves. They genuinely care about others (though because it makes them feel good).

"The will of God will never take you,
Where the grace of God cannot keep you."

Regardless of whether you believe in the great normie in the sky. This message means to me that there is no place you can take yourself, where you can't get yourself out of it. No matter how deep, and for how long you have been there. By virtue of the fact that you got in there, you can get yourself out. You just have to try.

OP, you need to face the pain that you've been resisting with alcohol, drugs and distractions. There's messages coming through from your subconscious.

By all means cry your fucking eyes out. I'm nowhere near as bad as you, but I just burst into treats not long ago for god knows what reason (I was listening to a nice song), and that alone made me feel significantly better.

Your feelings are the most important thing to you and construct most of your reality. Everything you look at you project your thoughts and feelings onto. The world is hell to you because yes, you are in fact living in hell since you're projecting your feelings onto everything. But it's not absolute. You were happier once before, and you can be again.

The main thing is to address these painful thoughts and feelings, let it all out. All the anger and sadness (without hurting others). Then start to meditate and perhaps practise mindfulness.

Remember, it's all about your feelings. If you feel fine, everything is fucking fine. I've had derealisation episodes where my whole world has crumbled before my eyes, yet I kept my cool, and because I felt fine, I was fine. When I fell into anxiety, my life would temporarily fall apart.

Then, onto diet. Diet has a HUGE HUGE HUGE impact on your mental and physical health and wellbeing. Read "We Want To Live: The Primal Diet" by Vonderplanitz or "Trick and Treat" by Groves.

This is a test. If you an hero, you reincarnate back to earth since you failed the test. Don't waste all the time it took you to get to this point.

>>27271171
Also, do subconscious journalling where you get a pen and paper write as fast as you can on paper whatever comes out without even thinking about it, and notice and really FEEL the feelings that come out. The writing doesn't even have to be readable because you won't be reading it back afterwards, you'll tear the paper up.

Do these things and you'll see rapid improvements.

>>27270948
> I'm not trying to meme you into medication, but the feelings you have about yourself and your life won't always be there if you seek help in some form (like meditation, therapy, medication).

Thanks but I already do this. I take 450mg of venlafaxine, 45mg of mirtazipine, 95mg of methadone, 100mg disfulrum, 40mg propanalol. And at night I take doxylamine 25-50mg, which isn't scripted and I'm not supposed to due to the methadone. I also take gabapentin 1-3grams when I'm feeling really depressed, again not scripted. Tooke 2gram this morning.

What I mean is that, I have acually tried everything I can think of. I've old my mother about this, this morinng. But she also supports me and knows everything about my health. I've been i psych wards, one time for 5 months straight. I've tried probably 15 different antidepressants/medications. I've seen 3 therapist two were for cbt, one was with this 'top' guy, charged 190 dollars a session and he said he couldn't help me because I was too depressed to engage with it and kicked me off.

I was scripted tonnes of beznos got massively addicted went through the withdrawal, also have been a heavy drinker, and addicted to opiates. I didn't really take these drugs recreationally, I was just trying to make myself feel better, basically like medication. I also tried suboxone and now I'm on methadone, which I'm using as both something to help my withdrawals but most importantly I'm using it as an antidepressant, because that's why I was using opiates they improved my mood.

There's also tonnes of other shit I've done, I also eat healthy and try to exercise, I'm engaged with a course 5 days a week.

My point in writing all this is that I'm saying I feel like I've tried all the things people say can help. I've really given a lot of effort into it, but it feels like now there's no more optinos. What can I do? withdraw off methadone so I can drink myself unconscious? I've run out options and hope

>>27270312

It won't last, man. Start cutting down while you still can.

You probably won't listen but you really should.

If you'll stick to anything just stick with weed.

It won't fuck you nearly as hard as other drugs would..you get started on stimulants, narcotics, all that shit, it will put you down a bad path, a really bad one

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Tolstoy talks about the meaninglessness of life, and the different methods by which people of his social class attempted to escape it:

"The first was that of ignorance. It consists in not knowing, not understanding, that life is an evil and an absurdity. People of this sort [...] have not yet understood that question of life which presented itself to Schopenhauer, Solomon, and Buddha. They see neither the dragon that awaits them nor the mice gnawing the shrub by which they are hanging, and they lick the drops of honey. but they lick those drops of honey only for a while: something will turn their attention to the dragon and the mice, and there will be an end to their licking. From them I had nothing to learn - one cannot cease to know what one does know.

The second way out is epicureanism. It consists, while knowing the hopelessness of life, in making use meanwhile of the advantages one has, disregarding the dragon and the mice, and licking the honey in the best way, especially if there is much of it within reach. [...] That is the way in which the majority of people of our circle make life possible for themselves. Their circumstances furnish them with more of welfare than of hardship, and their moral dullness makes it possible for them to forget that the advantage of their position is accidental, and that not everyone can have a thousand wives and palaces like Solomon, that for everyone who has a thousand wives there are a thousand without a wife, and that for each palace there are a thousand people who have to build it in the sweat of their brows; and that the accident that has today made me a Solomon may tomorrow make me a Solomon's slave. The dullness of these people's imagination enables them to forget the things that gave Buddha no peace - the inevitability of sickness, old age, and death, which today or tomorrow will destroy all these pleasures. [cont]

>>27271438
The third escape is that of strength and energy. It consists in destroying life, when one has understood that it is an evil and an absurdity. A few exceptionally strong and consistent people act so. Having understood the stupidity of the joke that has been played on them, and having understood that it is better to be dead than to be alive, and that it is best of all not to exist, they act accordingly and promptly end this stupid joke [...] I saw that this was the worthiest way of escape and I wished to adopt it.

The fourth way out is that of weakness. It consists in seeing the truth of the situation and yet clinging to life, knowing in advance that nothing can come of it. People of this kind know that death is better than life, but not having the strength to act rationally - to end the deception quickly and kill themselves - they seem to wait for something. This is the escape of weakness, for if I know what is best and it is within my power, why not yield to what is best? ... I found myself in that category."

Source: https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/A_Confession_(Maudes_translation)/VII

TLDR: Tolstoy says that there are four ways to escape the meaninglessness of life, ignorance, epicureanism, suicide, and accepting the meaninglessness of life, but being too afraid to complete suicide.

I haven't actually read A Confession as a whole, but Tolstoy at the end finds some sort of meaning in his life through religion and return to the common people. Nevertheless this quote is interesting. It's good to see some acknowledgement that we're not cowards if/when we do it, at least.

>>27271171
>Your feelings are the most important thing to you and construct most of your reality. Everything you look at you project your thoughts and feelings onto. The world is hell to you because yes, you are in fact living in hell since you're projecting your feelings onto everything. But it's not absolute. You were happier once before, and you can be again.

>The main thing is to address these painful thoughts and feelings, let it all out. All the anger and sadness (without hurting others). Then start to meditate and perhaps practise mindfulness.

>Remember, it's all about your feelings. If you feel fine, everything is fucking fine. I've had derealisation episodes where my whole world has crumbled before my eyes, yet I kept my cool, and because I felt fine, I was fine. When I fell into anxiety, my life would temporarily fall apart.

I agree completely. The only thing that matters is how I feel. I have learned this. It doesn't matter what the situation is, where you are located, who you're with what you're doing, nothing none of that shit matters. The only thing that is important is how you feel. You could climb mount everest but if you don't feel good then it's worthless. nothing external matters. the only thing that matters is how I feel. I could be living in poverty scraping gum off the side walk but if I feel good and happy and positive about existing then that's all that matters. The only way to feel or find worth in this world is to have positive feelings. That's the only thing that has value. enjoying your life is the only thing that has value or worth. If you're not enjoying it then nothing in the world matters.

I've changed my diet, I'm eating lots of fruit, vegetables, berries, nuts seeds, wholegrains and occasionally meats. I'm losing weight, I've made an appointment about my low testosterone and my gynocomastea. Hopefully I can get test supplements, and get my sexuality back. I can't even get an erection. Let alone have the pleasure of an orgasm.

>>27271308
Hi, >>27271171 and >>27271218 here.

Ditch the fucking drugs. At best they're psychologically useful in the short-term (just another way to avoid pain like illegal drugs), yet in the long-term they're destroying your health and will make you worse than before you took them. Never take a single pharma drug again, not even a paracetamol.

Read the "We Want to Live" book. Diet can actually be very complicated. I'm an unqualified "nutritionist" having done about 2 years of research. You need SPECIFIC foods and you also need to avoid many (nearly all) common Western foods.

Tell me exactly what you've been eating and I'll tell you how wrong you've been going.

>>27271171
proofs on these claims about how life and existence is something so big and important and "deep" with some mysterious hidden big secret and truth that we must discover . And for what? To know purpose of life? That right there is a paradox.

Well op , don't be a faggot and bring people down with you. Not telling you to kill random people but hunt down people who made you like this , bullies , politics , alcohol industry , depends how you see it. Then once you're done you can sleep in peace.

Don't be a faggot op. suiciding is surrendering to them.

>>27271533
God damn this post gave me goosebumps.

Spot FUCKING on.

I went for my first travelling experience this year and because I've been chronically tired, despite in that brief moment being free financially, around amazing people from all around the world, seeing some amazing sites, I simply wanted nothing more than to sleep and be well rested, so I enjoyed it a lot less than I could've done. In ways I wish I hadn't gone.

Funny how you see those videos of the poorest fucks ever endlessly smiling and dancing around each other in huge crouds isn't it?

Western society is pure, pure poison. That's why most people are at best just cruising by.

The first thing to do is get your diet on track which will have huge implications. The next thing is to fix your mind through deep thought (such as revelations on purpose), meditation, mindfulness, etc etc.

>>27271533
I've just got to think in my mind, I've just got to be able to have something in the future where I can go, "I feel bad now, but hopefully it will improve when eg, I get test supplements, or I find a sleeping pill, or I find a job or etc"

The thing is it doesn't matter what the thing I imagine in the future actually is. What matters is that I have the thought in my mind of looking forward and being hopeful about something in the future. If you have in your mind the idea that yes, righ now is fucking horrible, BUT if I just endure it until x happens, then it will get better"

What has made me suicidal especially yesterday, is that I ran out of things in the future. I had nothing to think of or look towards or be hopeful about. I completely ran out of hope. There was nothing to endure the present for. I felt it was always going to be like that, with everything being horrible, all my vision being too bright and inflicting itself upon me, sounds unbearably loud I can't think, my body aching and absolutely sapped of energy, my mind in complete despair no hope for the future no possibility of change, my lungs and eyes supressing a complete breakdown into despair, just collapse on the ground and be taken over total hopelessness really crying

What I'm going to do, is right now I'm going to start imagining that when I see the testosterone doctor, I will be able to improve. And when I see my psychiatrist I will change a med which will improve my existence.

My mom this moring called the emergency people and some guy came round, wanting to take me into either the psych ward or respite care. He's going to set up a meeting with a therapist so I can start seeing one again, and he's going to talk to the methadone people about getting some sleeping pills and lowering the dose down from 95 to 80mg again.

>>27271659
The only written proof I have is of near-death experience encounters. The rest of the proof is through subjective experience.

Read deep shit for lengthy amounts of time, begin to change and experience things differently, then realise your purpose. Start with youtube or amazon books on spirituality.

That's the only way. Most people don't know it because they brush it off, as if standing at the bottom of a large mountain and scoffing at the thought of climbing it.

Then, once deep enough you'll run into books like The Law of One. Don't bother trying that for your first read though, you need to connect many dots first. It's all about connecting the dots, in a way.

>>27271732
Ok I am feeling more hopeful than yesterday. What I did was not take my entire methadone dose today I spat some out. I talked to the respite guy for like an hour on my deck. I told my mother about how I was really getting close to taking action right now to end my life. I gave the respite guy my noose and my father locked all my meds in his cabinet (I got shitloads, enough to die, I got like 750mg of diazepam, somme opiates, like 10grams of beta blockers, promethazine, about 50mg of morphine some codeine, tonnes of gabapentin, and shitloads of spare antidepressants including irreversible maois, and tricyclic antidepresants)

I am making action to feel more hopeful. Writing this all out and reading the responses has been helpful thanks everyone for your concern. Right now my sister just arrived for a visit she doesn't know but she brought he r cute baby aout 3 months so I'll go play with him and after I'm going to cut my hair. The gabapentin is really helping as well. Makes things seem like not such a big deal.

This is good I am improving my mood. thanks everyone

>>27271732
That's the fucking spirit, OP.

And you're right, you need something to aspire to in the future. For me, it's educating the world about the amazing health benefits of nature and natural diet. As I keep saying, PLEASE read those books and stop taking meds. It's unreal what food can do for you (good or bad).

Fuck the psych ward too. It's all part of a BULLSHIT primitive thought process of suppressing the symptoms and ignoring the root cause.

Even your sleeping problem. Other than your thoughts, it's all down to diet. Good diet, ultimately, can prevent essentially all ailments and diseases.

>>27271914
Gradually ease off the meds as your new nutritional diet improves your health*

This all needs to be done carefully balanced so it's smooth sailing.

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>>27270338
Shut the fuck up, Friendly Joe