nott doing so hot desu how are you all holding up
>fourv days off work in a row
>wake up today at 3pm, shower, eat, and get frustrated at SFV trying to unlock colors in survival mode
>finally beat it, still so pissed at the game that winning doesn't even feel that good
>close game and sit at desk feeling no desire to touch my 200+ backlog of games or my huge anime backlog
>no desire to do anything
>put on pajamas and get back in bed now
Why the fuck am I even on anti-depressants? They sure as fuck aren't helping with this feeling.
Have a nice day everyone! I can't wait till summer.
It's almost 7pm and I haven't left the bed yet.
I kind of need to pee but I don't use bottles and I don't want to get up.
At least I know I can get drunk tomorrow and black out instead of crying myself to sleep like last night.
>>26685833
What are you on?
Also
>do really good at survival mode
>about to win normal
>"you have been disconnected from server blah blah"
>turn off ps4
>>26685856
You too anon! I like summer except for the humidity and my allergies
>>26685920
How oftetn does this happen to you?
My apathy has reached new levels.
>sit in chair for 14 straight hours staring at computer monitor
>cycle between a youtube video and reading a manga chapter
>glance at growing pile of homework
>exams Wednesday and Friday
>can't be bothered to study
>wheel chair over to bed
>lay down on bed
>stay in bed for 2 more hours
Here I am
decided today to quit my pack-a-day smoking habit and schedule an appt with a psychiatrist to hopefully get prescribed some anti-depressants.
hoping that finally making some tangible positive steps can pull me out of the pits
I think I might drop my classes this semester. I don't care about anything anymore. I'm scared to leave the house, and when I'm out all I do is try not to cry because of everyone staring at me. I don't know if they are but it feels like it. My ativan stopped working. I broke down and cried in front of my family today. I am losing the concept of time. Everything I do is shit, as art reflects the creator in more ways than he would like it to. The only thing that helped is at the max dose, and I don't feel.
Anyway, my bullshit doesn't matter. What's up with you skelly?
>>26686224
How much more school do you have left? because thats basically me. Luckily i'm only taking 2 classes and its my last year
>>26686400
Hey good job man, I hope it all goes well for you. It for sure cant hurt
>>26686400
also to add, i can relate to >>26685833
hundreds of games, movies, animu, etc.
yet no desire to do any of it. i play a game and at the first sign of frustration or stagnation i start feeling empty and wonder why i'm bothering to play at all. then i quit, and have no desire to anything.
i watch a movie, if it doesn't immediately blow my mind within 5 - 10 minutes i question why i'm bothering to watch it and immediately turn it off with no desire to do anything.
i browse /r9k/, youtube, the general internet, never really doing much of anything that requires more than a few minutes investment of time because i get so anxious about wasting my time and how nothing feels fulfilling or even fun to me anymore that the only way to make the time pass somewhat smoothly is to constantly change what i'm doing
>>26685364
>>26686224
I don't know if I'm depressed. I get overwhelming feelings of sadness at least once a day but my general mood hasn't been terrible in a while. I just can't get up and do things, like, nothing.
I think I just have ADD. Anyone here have experience?
>>26686462
thanks man, also to both you and >>26686224
do well in school for the love of god, i dropped out of school due to being a depressed apathetic mess and while having a degree isn't a guarantee of anything it's at least something that no one can take away from you. being a 9 - 5 wageslave is truly suffering beyond all imagination and i want you robots to have a degree on your side to hopefully help you avoid that fate
>>26686457
You need to find something that will work for you. There is also nothing wrong with taking a semester off if you need it. Mental health should come first.
As for me, I'm just tired and having problems envisioning my future. I told myself i'd an hero if i didnt graduate, but now i'm thinking maybe I might after college anyways. I can't see myself being successful or happy at this moment
>>26686470
Same. Depression makes me so apathetic. Very few things hold my attention anymore.
>>26686497
How long has it been?
>>26686511
Just one more semester. Even witth C's on both of these classes I'd still have above like a 3.0 GPA.
Thank you anon
>>26686511
I wish I could get a 9-5 with my degree, but I'm going for History. I almost failed out because of going for CS in the beginning. I kinda always wanted to be a teacher, so I guess I'm trying for that. Only problem is trying to give enough of a shit to get my assignments done
>>26686565
>>26686497
I haven't been able to do things besides play videogames and use the internet since I was a teenager.
>>26686462
I got 2 more years, then probably trying for an extra year to year and a half for education school. I'm a history major so I was thinking of trying secondary teaching.
>>26686617
Heh, i nearly took the same path you did, dropping out of CS and everything
>>26686623
Have you ever tried to pick up another hobby?
not doing so well but i'm still alive. Just trying to hold out. The longer it goes on, the worse I feel.
Depression is all in your head. Unless you have a debilitating physical condition or live in conditions that make life miserable you shouldn't be depressed. Wish you could see how brilliant life is.
Got 3 hours of sleep last night. I've had some wild ass mood swings lately.
developed wierd obsession with death
like whether or not I'll ever find a means to do it painlessly. the only hope I had was helium, but apparently that would be really hard to pull off
I'm just tired desu
This world wasn't meant for me. I wasn't meant to be apart of it
I just want it to end
>>26686623
Since you use the Internet a lot try and get into something like music theory. Learn the basics then just listen to a lot of prog-rock and prog-metal and analysis songs. I did that for a little bit and it was fun
>>26686671
>demonstrable chemical imbalance is all in your head
well, i guess technically it is.
>>26686671
>debilitating physical condition
like depression, which is a chemical imbalance in the brain, you fucking idiot
>>26686643
>>26686706
I've been a music guy for a while. My library is 20x the size of any of my friends, and I've tried to do music. But fear of performing and inability to practice make it impossible to do anything with. Everytime I playback anything I cringe and die a little more inside.
Honestly sucks balls watching your idols do crazy shit knowing you'll never be like them.
Tried writing too.
>>26686738
You perpetuate your depression with that perspective. Why don't you realize that you give everything meaning when objectively there is no meaning to anything? You know what I mean? You people give a fuck about social interactions for example when they shouldn't affect you. Turn that frown upside down.
>>26685364
Hey skelly I was worried something happened to you. I hope everything is ok. Try to keep chugging along. Thats the only way things get better. I wish the best for you.
>>26686827
i'm not depressed because of social issues though.
i'm depressed because my brain doesn't work properly, and because of that nothing in my life, even things that i used to enjoy, feels fun or fulfilling in any way
I took shrooms over the weekend at a normie party, and now the world is much brighter. Really. This is the first time I've even gotten on /r9k/ all week. Things are looking up guys.
> parents were suppose to come over and clean my apt today
> was suppose to preclean
> ask a buddy if he can help me
> says hes lazy
> beg him to help me
> still bails
> cancel on my parents because they can't see just how crazy I really am
> "Why dude you're turning down a good thing"
Then I had to walk in the freezing canadian winter to get cigarettes with no hood or tuque. I've already slept 16 hours today and can't sleep anymore. Kill me.
>>26686876
Do drugs then. If all enjoyment is just chemicals in your brain as you say then introduce chemicals. Bet you don't even know how not to give a fuck, though.
>>26686659
You tried anything to help?
>>26686671
>Solipsism
>>26686687
Damn, get some sleep anon
>>26686697
my biggest problem with suicide is the chance i fuck up and ruin myself forever
Also my family would be devistated
>>26686776
Its honestly somethign you just have to do until you're comfortable with it.
I'm the same way witth writing though, i put nothing on paper due to my own insecurities
>>26686841
Same to you friend
>>26686897
Good shit, hope it lasts. I wanna do keto but we have no clinics around here 4 itt and im too awkward to acquire itt through other means
>>26686907
How bad is your apartment if your parents have to help you to clean it? Not trying tto sound snippy or anything just curious
>>26686930
or i can just try antidepressants which are drugs that are meant to correct the exact chemical issue that i have. which i have an appointment w/ psych for
>>26686950
They went on vacation so I had to babysit their house and cats. After returning back to my apartment from a week of cleanliness I realized I live like a hoarder with no regard of well being for my personal health.
I've got multiple garbage bags, month old dishes with mould, money all over the floor and cigarette ash that blew in my window on everything. Also a thick layer of dust covers most things.
>>26686950
You're a good guy, skelly
>>26686950
Trying to,but my body likes to remember every stupid thing I've ever done when I lay down.
Sleep was so much easier back when I drank like a maniac.
>>26686950
Dismiss all you want but you're wearing your sadness like it's a crown. You made it part of your identity. You are the sadness. You are crippling depression. Buddy I've been depressed before but you're just simplifying things, like people who say that the world is shit so they themselves might as well be shit.
>>26686671
>Wish you could see how brilliant life is.
>>26686671
lol thanks for actually making me laugh anon. You brightened my day
>>26687019
Ah, fair enough. Honesttly just have them over even if it makes you look a little unhinged.
>>26687024
Thanks friend
>>26687026
Maybe get a sleeping aid or something? Or just remember that thte dumb things you did are in the past, they don't reflect on you completely today
>>26687047
ok ill just be not depressed thanks
>tfw don't even feel sad anymore
>no longer contemplate suicide
>simply don't feel much for anything
>don't even feel like leaving the house most days
>don't see a point in continuing with school or finding a job
Is this depression? This is a weird psychological place, I don't know how to feel about it.
>>26686671
Life is amazing and you should forget about the fact that people die every day, not only due to wanton violence, but to diseases that have been cured decades ago and to famine that could be solved by upper classes contributing more wealth
>>26687047
>"I casually think of suicide on a daily basis."
>"lul just don't be sad m8"
>>26686775
Actually, we don't really know how does depression works. But his message is pretty stupid yea
>>26687129
It's typically seen as a step to recovery. The body gets so desensitized to sadness it stops feeling it. Nice work.
>>26687110
Got put on some dumbass anti-depressant/sleep aid thing about two years ago. I should probably start back.
And thanks for that Skelly. Sometimes I'm a little hard on myself.
>>26685364
I know how you feel, skelly.
>>26687179
Most people here are. I honestly don't think any of us have a very good level of self esteem, which desu is pretty important
>>26687182
Thanks anon
>>26687132
Goddamnit Bernie is that you ya old bastard? Aren't you supposed to be running for president? The fuck you doing here?
>>26687110
I really hope you won't be depressed, you're welcome. Those who have been absolutely miserable for as long as they can remember have the potential to become a blinding light. Think about it.
>>26687178
well that's nice, but I'm still hopelessly without direction, so in a way the lack of sadness isn't there as negative reinforcement so I'm almost complacent in my suckiness.
>>26687219
bourgeois alert bourgeois alert wee woo wee woo
>>26687234
I have no idea what you're trying to say but thanks?
>>26687250
Pretend your happy and do what a happy person would do, like wake up at a reasonable time, sleep properly, eat good meals, that shit.
Honestly man, no one is going to have the answers for you. You have to figure it out yourself. Sorry man.
>>26686671
>how brilliant life is.
it's pretty shit at the same time though
>>26687144
I thought about killing myself in many ways through the years. I seriously considered drowning and stabbing myself in the heart as methods to kill myself and I'm posting this shit. Think about that. I'm not saying that life can't or isn't fucked up but the change can occur in you if you really want it to. It doesn't even involve finding a gf or winning lots of shekels. But what do I know? I must be some lucky normal fag chad.
>>26687319
I know the feel man. Stabbing seems like an ok way to go. Lots of dignity but not too painful.
meh feel like shit had to work sick today got next 2 days off from mr shekelberg. just hope i have cough medicine left so i can pass the fuck out and not think about anything. blonde at work is on dating sites and says she cant find anyone but the nigga gucci is right here fml. ill ask her to lunch when i feel better
>went full on borderline paranoid schitz on my computer security-wise out of irrational fear
>going to be homeless in less than 2 months because I'm failing out of school and have no friends
>3 hours of sleep every night, nightmares every other
I'm just going to listen to Brian Eno until my liver dies from DPH use.
>>26687278
I hope you do understand what I mean one day.
>>26687379
Hope you feel better soon man
>>26687385
You probably need professional help anon.
Brian Eno is rad though
>>26686950
>>26686659
Yeah i'm on meds right now. Not helping yet but I'm waiting it out
>>26686671
Wish you could see how much of a fagot you are
>>26687439
Yeah itt usually takes a month or two tto really get full effect
I keep getting pissed at myself for my lack of motivation and then I get sad and give up, then get mad again. I can't force myself to do things.
>>26686671
Of course, this nigra had to come along and post on one of these threads
>>26687480
What are some things you've tried to do?
>>26687480
Welcome to depression. Not only that, but even if you tried your hardest it probably wouldn't be enough anyways.
>>26687429
your an alright guy skelly.
/wouldbuydoubledoublefrominnout/
>>26687571
i've never been to an in and out and i want it so badly
>>26687497
Basic hygenics, housework, studying, finding a job.
>>26687500
I think I've experienced depression and I don't think this is it. I'm just becoming non-complacent and self-aware of how hopelessly shitty my life is.
I'm constantly tired. I want to sleep, but can't. I'm constantly longing for a girl to fucking hug me or whatever.
Video games have lost all the appeal that they had. They're no longer a form of escapism, even.
I want to draw, but I feel like such shit that I can't even begin to pick up the fucking pencil, and even then I wouldn't draw anything that great.
Music is the only thing that keeps me from killing myself at this point.
>>26687645
w-would you accept hugs from a fat grill?
>>26687606
So many simple things are so much harder with depression
Just remember not to be upset when you fail. Take it in stride, and do things one at a time
>>26687645
I'm not a girl but id hug you friend
How long have you felt this way
>>26687675
Being fat doesn't make a girl not a girl senpai
>>26687645
>Video games have lost all the appeal that they had
have you tried aim botting on counter strike? hearing norman fishers yell at me being a god actually kinda makes me feel like I am worth something... somehow.
Who else lies to their therapist and family?
I wish they would let me die in peace.
>>26687865
What do you lie about? I've made shit up to my family before
>>26687462
It's been over three months so far, been on two different kinds
>>26687675
Sure. I take all hugs, skinny or fat.
I just want the embrace of another human being. Fuck, I don't even care if it's a girl or not.
>>26687762
Thanks, man. I'd accept the hug.
I've been feeling like this since the start of this year. I turned 20 on January, and with that came a sudden change in life perspective. Up until now, I really didn't care that I was "alone", but as soon as I hit 20, that shit changed, and quick. So, because social anxiety and bad luck keeps me being alone, I just started sinking into depression like crazy.
>>26687865
I just told them I was fine now so they'd go away. No reason to waste 100$/hr on a therapist when I'm already such a fucking burden.
>>26687895
I generally try to make it seem like I'm better. I told them that I'm looking for a job and studying. I faked a night out so my parents think I'm social now. I'm learning to affect the appropriate facial expressions and mannerisms so that I seem more convincing.
>>26687924
That's why I'm trying to get 'discharged' asap.
I don't really have the desire to continue my life. It never gets better.
>>26687865
Lie to family, don't lie to therapist. That's what i do, I figure she can't help me if she doesn't know what's going on
>>26687920
Don't worry man, you're only 20. You have a lifetime ahead of you to find friends. You won't be alone forever, for sure if you go out looking to meet people
>>26687645
Feeling a 0.5 iteration of your feels, man.
Just recently realized that I familiarize myself more deeply with art of all kinds and with its production, but it's never been 'my thing', so I'm discouraged by an inexplicable apprehension.
Also formulating methods for getting close to my oneitis.
>>26687924
>>26688080
I spent the better part of the first 15 or 16 years of my life in and out therapy, and I did this exact same thing. I didn't want to see my mom crying about me anymore and complaining about money because she didn't know what to do with me anymore, so I learned to hide it. Learning the mannerisms was difficult, but I just faked it until it was obvious no one noticed.
Now, I'm almost 27. Nothing has changed, and I'm still dead on the inside. I'm a lost cause.
Not good. I feel happiness is circumstantial and the things/people that make me happy are far away and not coming back in the forseeable future
>>26688234
> that I familiarize
Need to, that is. Learned I was INFP by the MBTI's reckoning, so I've been focusing on music and visual art more intently -- actually happier this way.
Well everyone I'm going to bed before 3 for the first time in a bout a month, goodnight and I hope you all sleep well as well.
>>26688348
Thanks for the replies, man. I appreciate it.
I'm going to sleep too, or try too, at least. It's 4:43 am here, let's see if I can get some sleep.
>>26688348
Night, skelly.
Don't let the bed feels hollow your chest out.
>>26688348
Sleep well Skelly, see you tomorrow
>>26686565
I'm not allowed to take a semester off. I'm trying to get a job, so they would be mad at me because I can work but not do uni. Either way, it futile. I had faith. I have no faith. I just want to push everyone away. My mom makes me get out of bed. She has really similar depression to mine. She has the same panic as me too. I got all her crazy desu. I would make my house 100% NEET if I stopped school right now. I just think I might have to go back to k pin. They made the entire day foggy, and if I get the biking job I'm interviewing for, I'm gonna die. I just wish that there was a way to make things less shit. I know that I have it good. I have a roof. I have food most days. I'm not sharing my mom's living room with anyone else. I'm fortunate. I take it all, but want more. I'm a shit bag.
I just had to tell my dad how much I hate myself. It was hard. He's one of the anchors that keep me here. He's one of the strongest actually. Just the look on his face and the tone in his voice when I told him there was nothing he could do. I'm still crying intermittently because of it. I just never want him to hurt, and to see the pain he felt based on my hatred of myself made me feel evil. I would lynch me for what I've done. I just want him to be happy. He deserves it. I just don't want to hurt him anymore, but I can't stand the sight or to be with myself. I disgust myself. I hurt one of the people that keep me from killing myself and he just wanted to hug me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm a fucking monster. How could I hurt him in that way? How could I let him get close to the person who stabbed him seconds ago. I don't deserve to have a relationship with him. Fuck me.
But, even through this, it's nice to hear you are doing well skelly. I fucking love you desu. You've made the gray days a bit lighter many times. I wish I could do something more for you. You deserve everything dude.
>>26688418
>>26688439
>>26688540
Thank you all, had to get up because someone left a light on
>>26688542
You are a good human being who has value. You have a mental disorder that is currently fucking you up, but that doesnt mean you don't deserve to have a loving family who cares about you. Your father will love you unconditionally for ever. It's not your fault you have this burden to bear. Don't push away people who care about you. They need you as much as you need them.
You have value please don't forget that. This is one of the few posts here that has made me cry anon, I honestly want the best for you so much.
Man i can relate too so much people here.
I am 22 with no job, all i do most days is laying in bed looking dumb shit on the internet.. I ran out of all good (and bad) movies and shows to watch so i started to watch whole videogame lets plays cause im too lazy/broke to play em myself.
I am lost my sex drive more and more over the last year, got worse after i ruind it with a girl i really liked. I only go outside one or two days a week, only to get drunk as possible. I dislike our race and our sozial system because so many people dont understand what the really important things are. Im pretty pretty okay looking and i know some chicks want to know me better, i could have alot friends cause for a reason i dont know people like me. I just dont care about that. I dont see a point in interacting more with that people. I dont really see a point in anything anymore.. The thing that scares me the most is that i am good with it most the time, the darkness and loneliness feels good to me. My familie wants to send me in the second mental institution the next two months..
>>26687920
in that case pls be my qt 3.14 hugfriend bf
I fucking hate my parents, the desperate dumb fucks. They should have never stayed together. Nine, NINE DAMNED MISCARRIAGES and they don't think it means something? No, the two maladapted, lonely cunts had to cling to each other just long enough to make another little fuckhead then they split. Because the selfish gits believed so much in family like popping out a kid will make a bad situation better. Promise me one thing robots. Don't have a kid unless you can be a proper family. None of that staying together for the kids' sake shit either. If you have a shit relationship with the woman it's not going to be better. Your kid will end up like me wishing for death but can't even kill himself because his parents desperately cling to him to give their shitty empty lives meaning.
>>26689223
wow anon it must be really awful having parents who love you
>>26689359
It's not love they just want me to pay their way in retirement and to live vicariously through me so they get to feel like they weren't useless sacks of shit who never did anything in life.
Mr Skelton I'm going to fill your bunghole with my seed to help with my depression desu
>>26689531
Useless sacks of shit? They raised you and probably kept a roof over your head for x amount of years. You sound like such a little faggot.
Finally asking out that girl I've been speaking to in class the last few weeks. Do I play it safe with a study date or go all-in with a actual coffee date?
>>26685364
>aunt decides to not pay for my rent anymore
>im literally on my own now
>have to spend financial aid money on rent and cant buy all the luxuries i want anymorei hate my life desu
