XX/XX/2015
I feel safer keeping this on a computer than paper. Things are going bad, crazy kreezy beezy bad.
Whats worse is my behavior subtly reflects in and in some small way I feel guilty for it.
And what is with that? Sometimes when I go to write I get mental redundancies ["in and in" go read it again]
it makes me fear for my competence and mental acuity. I sometimes fantasize about going to a therapist
and finding out there IS indeed something very wrong with me, that way I can proudly say
"I was right, I tried just as hard as you but I am handicapped."
But even then...Eh...I don't think I'd be any less hard on my self, actually I know it.
Who would I even proclaim that to? No one cares.
Oh, soooo... I'm getting... Unstable? I shouldn't think that way though,
that would be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Lets just put it this way: I have noticed things are getting worse.
Nothing has been even remotely a success but I'll tally it up and be fair.
>I graduated XXXX with a 3.25 GPA, yippy I got a cereal box education for $14k! I went in with the mentality:
"Fuck everyone, I'm going to study really hard, create awesome work, build up a skill set, I don't need friends."
I ended up...well I guess I alienated myself. I was clearly socially degenerating. So autism quips started. School shooting quips started. Everyone called me a sociopath workaholic, who was trying too hard.
I got an intern with XXXXXXX, which resulted in a couple panic attacks, and puking in their bathroom. Very embarrassing, I felt like a toddler, they treated me as such. I cared so much about the position to the point where I was trying to balance the internship with work and trying to get into digipen.
>DIGI-FUCKING-PEN, PLEASE KILL ME, I PROMISED I WOULD END MYSELF IF I COULDNT GET IN BUT I...
hmmm well I distracted myself with le after digipen [we'll get into that]
Anyways, digipen told me, well no I can tell the truth here... I applied a second time,
the application board were very gracious and outright told me my passion was admirable.
They let me submit my portfolio, and then resubmit my portfolio again after they had looked at it.
That isn't fair to others I know. So I trained really hard, you know those montages where you see
a character work really hard and there's an 80's rock ballad in the background and the end product is
the character standing proudly and confidently in a ray of light?
That's me but my end product was me curled up, with my hands clenching my hair, crying and sobbing,
begging some unknown entity
"Please, just give me a chance. Please I'll do absolutely anything. Please let me have this life."
So I gave it all I had, and I wanted so badly to beleive that hard work and dedication are all you
need to catch up to your dreams if your dreams are calculated well planned out, and simple.
I failed at the one thing that gave me purpose, application was declined for entry.
I went on to ask some alumni and other college graduates if my chances were going to be better a
3rd time, they said it actually hurts your chances the more attempts you make after 2. My purpose is gone.
I tried to reconnect with Le, big mistake I really made things complicated for her,
but to be fair I handled my departure like an adult for once. So that's good.
But let me just tell you about how this happened, and how it reflects on me as a person.
I get ready for what I was calling my "hobo trip, I was going to visit as many distant
friends as possible hitch hiking the entire expanse of XXXXXXXXXX. I was going to find a place where I felt at peace, I was going to lay down on a tarp, and ingest some gold-cleaning cyanide, boom problem solved.
But I get drunk one night, as usual I have no one to open up to, and I just fucking go for it:
I message Le, I tell her EVERYTHING I literally just dump all these feelings out and sorta just point
at it like "PLEASE HALP MEH, LOOK AT DIS MESS!" And mind you, she wasn't exactly in the best place either
she was dissatisfied with her relationship and current lifestyle. Probably viewed me as a catalyst for change.
So we open up to each other but surprise surprise, we both have hella baggage. We can't fix each other.
Spoiler alert if you and your companion are in rough times all you can do is do it together, it doesn't
just magically go away. Love is not all you need. She gets unstable, I get unstable, we start regressing
to old dating behaviors because that's what is familiar. She's scared I'll leave, I'm scared I'm not good
enough. We yell we cry. I bend over backwards and cling on to this relationship like a leech to the point
where its damaging the both of us. Later on I have some clarity, and I basically just talk to her about it
we point out a lot of things, the interaction was very...Efficient. But when you've been a terrible person
in the sense that...hmm... I just shouldn't have put that stress on her. When you're a terrible person
you're a terrible person. No ammount of fluffy words can change it. I'm a terrible person.
>I saw my best friend, I had a massive panic attack as I was leaving town. I started screaming so I wouldn't
start crying. It was a long drive, I had never done something that big before and his city was big and new
and scary and there would be new people and they might dislike me in some way. But all went well I got there
saw my friend, was happy to see him living well, but was really scared that he thought I was judging or
dissaproving of his life style. See, he's a bro. He lives with bros, they don't talk about sustaining relationships
with a girl they talk about blow jobs. They...oh my goodness I'm judging. Wow. Ok... Don't get me wrong
I was kinda jealous of his life and his friends. Just the way they did stuff in general was really cool.
Am I trying to pick it apart because I'm jealous? That would make sense...I wish I could be part of his life
but I was just a name and a profile picture inside a chat box to him. A library of outdated inside jokes.
I went down there in the first place to basically be there IN TOWN if any of my job applications were call-backs.
That way I could zip right over, nail it like a winner, get set up, and then toast to my great success with friends.
But no such luck, so then half way through the week I started...well no I can be honest. Basically I got there,
got settled in, applied to even more jobs, made like two calls, and then hung out with my friend's really nice
room mates, I'm talking S rank guys, I would totally suck some dicks if it meant I'd get to spend time with these
people. They were really encouraging, clever, optimistic, and silly dudes. One of them just showed up with a six
pack of heinekin while I was applying to jobs and was like "ayyy lets chill bro!" So fucking outgoing, what a gem
he made me feel like a person worth being around. Later, I dropped 100 bucks so we could take mdma, pure, tested, SAFE.
I wanted to reconnect with my best friend, I wanted to hear is new and improved life-story, and I was hoping he'd want to hear mine.
Whew...Yeah I learned about him, not much had changed about his core personality, he's just more cautious, thinks things out farther.
The drugs were ok, I could feel an alien substance in my blood stream, but I was in a good place. I got him to really open
up about a death in his family. But I was scared that he'd think I was trying to prune him or maintinence him in some way
like I think he can't take care of himself. Truly I don't know, I hadn't planned on really counsiling him about it.
I wasn't sure if he was over it or not. I wasn't over it. I'm still not over it. What he told me kinda messed me up.
He tried the give and take, I'll be fair, we both tried to work me through talking about whats been going on with me.
Did I tell him what I thought he wanted to hear? I'm not sure, I feel decent about what was exchanged for the most part.
But some part of me held back some baggage, or maybe I didn't know how to articulate the things that needed saying.
That actually feels like the truth. It was frustrating it feels like somethings wrong with me. We actually talk less now.
>I got a shit job, for an employer who's business model relies on a constant exploitation of employees who don't know better.
Sounds whiny and mellenial right? Minimum wage, yeah that's a typical business model for that pay-grade. Its a job with no
room for promotion or advancement. It requires no particular skills, but my god, I never knew until now that some people
are not capable of earning a living unless someone is constantly prodding at them, commanding them. They would die, homeless,
and starving behind the dumpster at wendy's if they didn't have a boss to complain about. I'm scared that servant co-dependance
is a mentality that people are conditioned towards slowly over time. It all starts with dismissing your principles and standards
for something more conveinient until you're eating white bread and pinto beans you got with food stamps, listening to your youngest
child complain that the rattling of the cardboard over the broken window is scaring her. I don't want a job where my boss eventually
has power over the quality of food I have access to. If you quit that job you'll die, you'll be too old to be taken seriously.
Other people will know you spent a portion of your life as a slave, they know that, and they want distance from something so morbid.
I can see this path stretching before me and I see a taper, like a Paul Atreides type of for-sight I've put a lot of effort into
crash coursing the situation in my mind looking for ways out. When I first found this, I was desperate, maybe more so now, yeah that
sounds about right... I went to friends for help, that's what networking is right? These are very old, and outdated relationships,
because I dropped them all, went through school, didn't make any more friends, and then picked up the broken old ones. But I wasn't
contacting these people just because I wanted something. I wanted us to share our lives with each other. Well... I learned quick
that my actions as person were only worthy of small talk, and the ever-hollow "how's life?" no one was ever going to recommit to
compannionship and solidarity again. I had fucked up, my means were not justified because the ends were flawed. I fucked up. It
would have been beautiful though, I'd like to think people would have been interested in me if my plan would have worked. This...
This sort of character I wanted to be who was actually able to say "I told you so, I knew what I'm doing. You can trust me."
I used to be like that honestly, I used to intimidate people with hard questions, and I was really cocky for a teenager, people
admired me and I used it to gain trust so people would... Well pretty much so I could have friends who would trust me with their
feelings and in turn I could trust them with mine. But never again.
They won't help, I'm to the point where I'm considering paying consultants
to help me embellish my experience so that I can find a slow and steady path out of a servant life-style. I'm not asking for an easy
job or even an easy life I just want the oppurtunity to do something I can get good at and recognized for. I like... Getting really
good at things, it just seems like I'm bad at getting good at things. Something has to be wrong with me, I cracked one night and asked
an old friend to give me an exact time frame of his day. He's about to graduate with a bachelors in engineering. Mostly it seemed like
he was planning on playing destiny with bros and then between 9 and 10 he'd read 4 chapters in his textbook to cram for his final.
He says school is stupid easy. A University with a 20 credit load. I did a community college with a 20 credit load and ended up having
a seizure on my keyboard from skipping every other night of sleep to keep up. I'm trying really hard to be smart, a highly successful and happy
indevidual who has the ability to help others and enrich their lives while continually growing...Getting good at something.
Wait...Are my old friends creating distance because I'm too far down that path of a service worker? They know I'll eventually be a degenerate,
regurgitating one-size-fits-all ideaology I heard on the radio on my way to my service job? Karma is what you would call it if, you were too
stupid to be able remember the series of events that caused your current situation.
Suicide group. Yeah woo edgey, yes we've all seen welcome to the NHK good fucking job. I'm so mean to me...Anyways, I did some research on this...
this...ah what's the word. Like something weird, unusual, rare. I learned its very difficult to orgonize, there's been instances where law enforcement
moniters the activity online and will arrest the group when they go to meet up. "You're under arrest for practicing autonomy. Now you're a ward of
the state bitch, enjoy watching discovery channel with all the other vegetables." So needless to say this isn't something you can orgonize easily, mods
on 4chan will flag you harder than Captain Picard because this is the kind of thing that will get on the news and attract the annual bad publicity.
Its important to be considerate of other when doing this kind of thing. Interestingly in america so long as you're ambigous about setting the group up,
law enforcement doesn't have just cause. But also as a security measure, .onion forum set up. I've only done research and planned out a basic scheme at
this point. I just...hm well I don't want to die alone, and I feel a level of companionship would help with the final big push. Basically get a few good
people I can get close to, be ambigious at first and then move the communication concerning the planning to a deeper website so no 4chan backlash...
and then from there boom bang!
no one even has to find the bodies...Well my body, I'm no cult leader I'm not going to speak for others whether or not they want their bodies found.
They probably shouldn't do it if they know for sure there is someone out there they would miss or would be upset at not finding their body. I want to see
the ocean, oooooh my goodness now that I have nothing to focus my energy or passion on this is a singular obsession. I want my life to end in the ocean.
I'm not so sure about drowning, anything related to not breathing freaks me out so I'm thinking taking heavy relaxers and then the good ol cyanide. I think
this out at least so I have that going for me. I really hope I can foster some relationships with people that want this for themselves and me. I'm kindof excited.
