>>25311810
The toughest realization i've had is that I do actually enjoy socializing with others, and even need it. There's just key factors that make it largely unenjoyable in most settings: anxiety, inability and unwillingness to conform, not fitting in, etc.

For example, on Christmas, I left my room and talked with all the guests. We joked and had fun and drank a bit, and I was really enjoying myself. Suddenly, they turn on music and everyone starts dancing and doing the "Whip" and all that. Just like that, I felt completely out. I do not enjoy dancing with other people, nor know how to.

I had the same problems in all my life, for example going to clubs, or concerts, raves, and all sorts of social events that are common for normal people that make me uncomfortable. I don't even feel comfortable eating near other people, so even going to a restaurant is a huge source of anxiety for me. I can try to force myself, but I lock up, I get stiff, and cant function, causing me to embarrass myself and make myself seem like a total loser/weirdo.

So to avoid creating anymore painful memories, I just cut people off entirely. Lonely, but safe.

Diagnosed anxiety or self-diagnosed?

>>25312016
Are you replying to me? >>25311962
or OP?

If me, self diagnosed but there is simply no other word to describe it. I was (Relatively) normal, and all of a sudden started getting severe panic attacks. This was before I even knew what anxiety disorder was, or had ever heard the term "panic attack". I didn't know what the fuck was happening. They became more and more frequent and soon I was unable to function at all. I went from a normal guy to being locked in my room scared to death of going outside in the course of a year.

And despite everything I tried, it never really went away. Years later now, I've tried everything possible to treat the problem.

I finally have started to improve, although I still drink way more than I should, and at inappropriate times to deal with anxiety.

It's very rare for me to get a full on panic attack, but my baseline anxiety level is still pretty high, and I still get uncontrollable spikes of intense anxiousness that make any real social life impossible to maintain.

I can't really make the anxiety stop short of drinking myself retarded, but I can at least moderate my facial expressions better to prevent anyone from seeing the intense panic i'm feel coursing through my veins. It requires immense willpower, and people can still definitely detect something is off. My face quivers, my mouth gets dry, my eyes might water a bit, I start sweating uncontrollably, and any other number of symptoms, but at least I can stop my face from showing any emotion at all.

>>25311810
are you me? I swear I could have written exactly what you just wrote about myself

>>25312155
OP here
I was asking you, just accidentally fucked up my post and forgot to add the post no.

I feel like I've been stuck in my own little world where I didn't really care for a long time. I never really entirely fit in with the rest of the boys, but because I used to be a very happy person, they liked me.
Once my (at the time) best friend moved away, I started becoming more lonely and started to reflect a lot about my life and life in general. At the same time I started experimenting with drinking and smoking weed, and later on harder drugs such as cocaine. My old friends think I'm a total loser now, because I cut them off and started doing drugs.

>>25312215
Nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks this way.

>>25312251
Yeah man, i've been there. It's a bad path. I don't know any advice on how to escape it, because I got out by sheer luck and due to outside intervention. But sitting alone doing drugs all the time has some real consequences.

Its funny, I look back and all the best moments of my life were in a dark room listening to music while under the influence of various substances. I don't know if I regret it, but I strongly believe the end of that path is suicide.