Heh, welcome to the wonderful world! Enjoy being tortured for the rest of your life. ;^)

Many years before I have been able to feel SMELL of flowers, smell of a season. I have been able to look for something for the future, I knew why I am coming back home. I was running to home just to play hockey outside, I was exciting to new vidiyas.
Now it seems like thats all not about me, just a story of some person. I forgot what happiness feels like.

I feel powerless. I also feel like I have some small bit of hope tucked away somewhere in a corner of my mind, but for a long time now it's been difficult to find. Lately my days consist of waking up anxious, suffering, mindlessly working, suffering more, then getting home where I distract myself with shows and porn to try and take my mind off of my anxiety and emptiness. I don't feel like I'm going anywhere and I don't feel like my state of mind is ever going to get better. If I knew that it would always be this bad or worse, would I finally snap and just kill myself? I want to be suicidal sometimes. I also think of that image about how being suicidal is great because then you could do anything, but that couldn't be further from the truth. When you're that bad, you've already convinced yourself that doing those things wouldn't work anyway and you'd just end up worse than before, where the goal of suicide is to end suffering. I don't want to be a prisoner of my own mind anymore, or at least, my issues. I wish there were some way I could express this and get the kind of help I need, but even I don't know what that would be. At this point I would almost be happy just to not experience any feelings whatsoever, just so I could avoid suffering. Not like the bullshit those meds did, all it did was make me give in to it more. I finally cried in public today. Granted there weren't people watching or anything, but I wonder if I'll get to the point where I just start sobbing uncontrollably at work.