I'll play a video game and do badly and I'll get really fucking upset. People think it's stupid of me to get so worked up over a video game, but they don't get it. They don't fucking get it.
It's not about that particular game that I lost. It's not about being bad at that video game as a whole. It's not about being bad at video games in general.
It's because that loss, just like everything else I try and inevitably fail at, is just another reminder.
A reminder that I'm worthless trash. A reminder that I've never succeeded meaningfully at anything and that I never will. A reminder that I will never be even half decent at anything. A reminder that I'll never be successful, never fall in love, never enjoy life.
It's this conviction, this crushing absolute knowledge that I am human garbage. It stays with me all day, every day, 24/7. It gnaws at me, never lets me forget. Sometimes I can bury it. I can try to ignore it for a while, forget about it for any brief time when I have to be presentable or socially acceptable. I can even have something resembling fun if there's enough pressure on me to appear normal and happy like everyone else. It's always there, of course, even then, but it's on the backburner, a lower priority than whatever I'm focused on.
And a failure of any kind? That just brings it all back, front and center, the only thing in my mind. So no, I'm not upset over video games. I'm upset because losing at a video game just reminded me for the billionth time of how stupid, worthless, and pathetic I am.
I'm upset because I am positive beyond any shadow of a doubt that I am total garbage, and that's just not something a person can cope with.Every day, I pray for death.Every day, God ignores me.
>>29782360
Join the club.
orgnlorgnlorgnl
>>29782360
Your value system seems weak. Study moral philosophy.
same, at this point im thinking im stuck with a life of mediocrity, something that i wont accept
Not the only one.
emotionalcompetancy.com
>>29782360
start griefing and leeching off people
im probably going to meet someone like you in the future and ill take a fucking dookie on your head because you're a cunt lol
>>29782360
I know your pain.
What game is it, Anon?
I know this feel too well.
I once tried multiplayer for the first time, since my brother had set up the wireless internet. It was a DBZ game, and I thought I was good.
I ended up losing so many times and so badly that I took the disk out and shattered it into a thousand pieces and sunk into a depression because I realized I wasn't good at absolutely anything, not even that shitty game which I thought I was decent at.
>>29782429
Could you elaborate? I'm genuinely curious. Not looking for spoonfeeding on philosophy, just want more info on what you think about my "value system."
Street fighter has put me in that position.
I've broken 2 controllers within the month because of that game.
>>29782597
Pretty much any game. Overwatch just now, but it happens with anything. Multiplayer or singleplayer. Dark Souls, Civ, Isaac, TF2. Every game I play, I will inevitably do terribly and then want to die because it just dredges up the knowledge that I'm garbage.
>>29782360
just git gud, duder
I feel you OP. I'm very competitive. More than anything else I want to prove to myself that I'm capable, or at least have the capacity to improve if I really tried.
But often that comes crashing down. I play League here and there and while I understand how it works I'm just not proactive or quick enough to really pull it off. I'm decent at absolute best.
I have nobody to play any games with though, and very few manage to hold my attention for long anyway. Oh well. I accept that I'm just a nobody that'll never rise above mediocrity. I'd be lucky to achieve even that.
>>29782628
You seem to be thrashing in indeterminate, generalized pain. In my experience, this is helped by getting a firm grip on your worldview. What do you consider good, and why? Should all humans abide by it? What do you consider ethically mandatory and supererogatory?
Considering these questions makes me happier. See if this interests you: http://slatestarcodex.com/2016/06/28/survey-results-suffering-vs-oblivion/
>>29783050
OH yeah, I'm sure pondering G.E. Moore's Open Question will make OP less of a failure.
I love philosophy but this is just bogus. If you're a failure, you'll feel like shit. It's part of being human.
>>29783118
You don't think there's a single thing he can change about his mindset to suffer less? I'm not talking about BEE SELF, I'm talking about hacking yourself toward stoicism, or really any self-image other than "21st century romantic/career failure".
>>29783225
No, I don't. I think humans want certain things and no amount of will power will unmake our desires.
Suffer less? Perhaps. Stop suffering? Unlikely
>>29783050
My pain is born of strong moral convictions, though. I should have some use, some talent, some way to give back. It's that conviction that makes me feel like shit, the idea that I SHOULD be useful but I'm not. I'm fucking worthless, and that's what makes me feel like shit.
Yep. I only play single player games because of this
>>29783267
If we're defining "suffering" as "having your preferences occasionally thwarted", sure, that's probably impossible. If we're defining it as "day-to-day acute emotional pain", I all but guarantee you OP doesn't have to live like this.
>>29783278
Maybe your expectations are out of line with your capacities. I'm not arguing for mediocrity, but sitting at home and being content is better than sitting at home and suffering.
>>29783445
You can't will your mind to feel a certain way. In that case I would be orgasming 24/7
>>29782360
You know this already, but you have to leave the games behind. Especially stuff like DOTA or League or Legends. I recently gave up DOTA for reasons very similar to your own and instead fill my time with single player stuff like EU4. It's tough, but you will thank yourself years later. You won't thank yourself for continuing the grind.
>>29783329
Same here. Competitive multiplayer games were a major part of my past but I had to give them up to stay sane.
>>29783445
Is it too much to ask to want to have some kind of talent? Something I'm exceptional at? I look at the people around me and feel outclassed, like there would be no reason to pick me over someone else for anything. It shouldn't be beyond my capacity to be exceptional at something, or even just average. And if it is, what the fuck is the point of living?
>>29782360
You stupid nigger.
What gratifies is continuing after a loss. Each loss you continue from gratifies you. It's the rejection of your failure that is the operation of your will over what seems like it's inevitable.
t. guy who used to do barely 0.3 KDR on his favorite shooter but pulls 4-5.0 KDR after 2 years, top 0.05% of players. To have 50000 kills I still had to die 10000 times. 10000 failures, 10000 mistakes and I didn't stop after any of those 10000.
Apply yourself or shut the fuck up.
>>29782360
Simple solution, end it all. Thick rope and a sturdy tree!
>>29782360
DMT corrects a chemical imbalance in your brain.
4-aco-dmt is cheap, legal, and i have taken it daily for a long time.
yes, at first you might freak out and have some otherworldy experiences or panic attacks. that's just part of coming alive.
dmt is the neurotransmitter that says, 'this is all real. these things have meaning. life is important', in the same way that dopamine says, 'i'm happy. things are good'.
i'm 99% percent certain that until recently it was the normal state of health for your brain to produce DMT naturally. pretty much everyone who lived 100 or more years ago was on DMT always.
i don't know why, but can speculate, on how that changed.
most of the shit you read on the internet about DMT is patently false.
it helped me. maybe it can help you. it's better, healthier, safer than xanax or adderal or klonopin and shit.
since i started taking it daily as medicine, i've used less and less and less, i still take a tiny amount in the morning, but, i think that soon i could probably stop using it and retain the calm, sober, acceptance of reality (and the accompanying power to change it) that it has brought me.
it's made me genuinely humble and compassionate towards others. i've started making friends and taking interest in socialization, and opportunities open to me. i'm a productive member of society. women try to fuck me. that never happened before. i can sit down next to a female and not have the slightest anxiety, and everything i say is natural and true. brings a whole new meaning to 'just be yourself'. i am at peace with things.
if you are interested, want to know more, or need help with this, just ask!
>>29783626
>A druggie somehow finds his way into this thread to shill his substances as usual.
>cancer?
just smoke weed dude!
(even though research suggests the chemical components need be directly applied to the cancers using medical tools, it doesn't need to be legalized for recreational use.)
>depression
just take mushrooms dude!
>existential issues
DMT dude!
My sister is an ex druggie and she filled me in what a load of shit all of this is.
>>29783458
You don't have infinite power to shape your mind, but you have a lot of it. It's just a matter of habit and reinforcement, like anything else.
>>29783533
I highly doubt that you don't even qualify as "average" for any of the things you enjoy, but even if you did, so fucking what? You're a living primate, not a precision tool. Decouple your well-being from your "utility".
>>29783626
the first experience of waking to real life involved, for me, the agonizing experience of seeing all my sins and the causes, and then preparing for death in grave fear, washing my face so that i could go before god clean, writing my will in terrible sorrow, and then dying and being swallowed by satan, going to hell, and being reborn. first thing i did was clean my room spotless. then i just took a long walk. i was listening to dantes inferno. everything that i heard was speaking to me directly. everything that happened was a message from god. i realized that god was actually talking to me and i went into a sort of revelatory trance. i communicated directly with something clearly not myself. when i got home, i was so tired, i just layed on the floor and slept like the dead. woke with drool beneath my mouth. looked around. everything was so clear. so real.
i started working out, talking to my family. feeling love again, for myself, the world, the people around me. a lady tried fucking me almost immediately, and i turned her down because i felt it would be wrong. i had no regrets. my sins were forgiven. i realized that the religion i had been brought up in had provided a context for my experiences, and that i had rediscovered what it was to be an undamaged child. i was born again. i felt god move in my soul and i was forgiven. a new chance at life.
things in my life have begun to take order, meaning, purpose.
it's the natural state of perfect health. it's your birthright.
The reason I feel really bad when doing badly in games is because it's the only thing I have ever done in my life. I've spent 99% of my life gaming and I'm not even very good. Any decent person would be really good at anything they have done their whole life, but I'm not even good at the only thing I have ever done for my existence. Why even try to do anything new if I'm still average in my favorite thing in 20 years?
>>29783667
Probably because she did lines of coke and sucked drug chads dicks. All drug use is escapism. Whether or not escapism is bad or not depends on how someone lets drugs influence their life.
>>29783473
>>29783329
Oh, it happens with singleplayer games too. Happens with everything, not just video games. I just used vidya as an example because it's why I'm in such a shitty mood right now. Fact is that if I fail at ANYTHING, it dredges up the fact that I'm worthless garbage and I should kill myself.
>>29783610
That's the plan. Just gotta get the balls to do it.
>>29783626
Fuck that. If I can't be happy without some kind of artificial boost, I don't deserve to be happy at all. Antidepressants or anything of the sort are bullshit; you're not yourself anymore, you're yourself on some drug. It's living a lie.
>>29783672
>So fucking what
This shit bothers me to no end. Stop debasing OP's desires. Could fix your desire for love? For Shelter? For Compassion? No, and those deprived suffer
>>29782360
is this why i get upset too?
but i'm actually really good but i only play one game, i'm the best in the game its just a small FPS game but everytime someone kills me i always rub my head, say what the fuck, throw a middle finger to the screen, mutter to myself that they're garbage, sometimes yell out WHAT THE FUCK, sometimes punch myself in the face, scream out that i'm gonna rape their fucking corpse and chop their cunt fucking mother into little pieces and feed her to their cunt throat, i always feel petty for it i mean i just want to enjoy a game and relax but i can't control it, i can't help but yelling out cunt, bitch, piece of shit, fucking bullshit etc, in the game its gotten to the point that i am practically immortal so whenever someone manages to get one over me it fills me with the rage of a burning one thousand white hot suns, i miss the days when i first started playing and died over and over without getting upset and thought it was tense and fun and it was a learning experience, an adventure
i must just be autistic
>>29783731
The most ironic thing about people like you and OP is in your deep depression and self loathing you're actually severely overvaluing yourself, you have a superego so big and so hungry that not even you yourself can answer to its constant screeching at every little imperfection, because it's childish and immature in it's desire for superiority - it doesn't even understand how superiority is reached or what it even truly is.
You can't just be 'good' at videogames. Each one is different, each one has massive brackets filled with veterans who play upwards of 8 hours a day. On games I play, guys at my skill level are known to play 8 to 16 hours a day. 16 hours a fucking day, lad. I'm at a level of play where I compete with the bored rich and perma-NEETS with over 5000 hours just on this single game.
You can't just expect to be good at 'videogames'. Some very small things transfer between games like your method of learning and maybe base knowledge between shooters like the concept of recoil/spreads and map knowledge but beyond that you can't just expect because you played 200 hours of spyro as a kid that now you'll be pulling gold in your favorite RTS/shooter. Ridiculous immaturity and entitlements that are crushing only yourself.
But atleast OP is on the way to getting gud, he's at step one: realizing you're trash, then when you embrace yourself as trash, you're free of the demon that expects you to not be impossibly and you start doing it in a possible way.
>>29783749
>All drug use is escapism.
Exactly, but weedlmaos wander into these threads claiming the dismantling of their perceptions by a chemical was given to them by the divine and it's automatically the true way to be because it felt new at the time.
>>29783778
>In spring, hundreds of flowers; in autumn, a harvest moon;
>In summer, a refreshing breeze; in winter, snow will accompany you.
>If useless things do not hang in your mind,
>Any season is a good season for you.
If they could desire-hack thousands of years ago, we can do it now.
>>29783667
i used to use drugs and smoke weed and stuff. i don't anymore because i don't need it. i used to binge eat. i don't anymore. i've lost 20 pounds. i used to masturbate daily. now i just do it once a week or so to relieve pressure on my balls. i used to be a shut in. now sometimes i just go out in public and talk to people and make friends. i used to look away from people. now i look at people and ask, how can i make them smile? i used to let my room become filthy. now i just keep it clean. i used to be lazy. now i find things to do and help people. i used to be negative and hateful. now i look on the bright side and do my best to improve every situation i'm in. i used to find closed doors in life. now everyone i meet has some opportunity to offer me. i used to be afraid of girls. now women have a normal place in my life. i used to avoid new experiences. now i seek them out. i used to hate existing. now i love life. people probably used to look at me and think i was a druggie, even if i wasn't using drugs at the time. now, i dress clean, take care of myself, and people love me. i used to have no hope or future. now, i take care to do things so i can live longer. i used to be arrogant and miserable. now i'm humble and compassionate.
this is a continuing, permanent state, that has had the kind of results that people only see out of prescribed anti-depressants in anti-depressant commercials. it's not something i arrived at quickly or by accident, but through years of searching and thinking. my daily doses of the medicine have become smaller and smaller as time goes by, and i have to remind myself to take them. i'm aware that drugs are mostly misused even when people have good intentions.
but maybe there's something else going on that you haven't heard of yet. it's possible, isn't it?
>>29782360
lift some weights
>>29783864
>Some people can do it
>So you can do it
Yeah whatever you say anon.
>>29783865
>but maybe there's something else going on that you haven't heard of yet. it's possible, isn't it?
Begging the question like that after a paragraph that doesn't at all suggest a link just shows the level at which you've mangled yourself doing that shit so much.
I did all that shit without drugs from age 19 to age 23.
>>29783761
>>Fuck that. If I can't be happy without some kind of artificial boost, I don't deserve to be happy at all. Antidepressants or anything of the sort are bullshit; you're not yourself anymore, you're yourself on some drug. It's living a lie.
is dopamine a drug? are you you when you're happy? what if you're not what you thought you were? we've all heard of the 'chemical imbalance' theory of psychiatric science. what if they're well meaning, but going about it wrong? what if you're just sick, and need medicine? what if this has been completely normal for most of human history? what if you're not you when you're sick and feeling bad? what if the natural state of humans is complete peace with self and happiness, but, due to environmental factors, that balance has been disturbed, and careful corrections can bring you back to health? what if it's worth a shot, because nothing is worth anything if you don't cure this disease? what if everything really isn't your fault, but there are things you can do to change it? what if you're losing your grip on reality and replacing it with misery, just because you have a disordered state of psychoneurology? what if the aim wasn't to ignore the problem, or take an easy path to fixing it, but instead to find a way to enable yourself to take action to correct your life? what if just trying to use willpower and self abuse never, ever works, and you end your life wondering what could have been?
>>29783923
that's really great, and i admire people that can do that. but what if some people, especially many that frequent this place, have been so wounded and traumatized and mis-educated and neglected, that they simply don't have the strength to do it? would you be unhappy to see them find a way to become whole?
>>29783978
Unless you can define the exact neuro-chemical process and brain interactions therein that cause this substance to completely revitalize the life of the person and somehow give them the knowledge to navigate a complex of sociological/psychological and even economical issues and that this works for the majority in a non anecdotal fashion, then you have no business peddling heavy duty psychoactive drugs to the vulnerable.
>>29783826
You are absolutely right. Your post made me feel slightly less bad about myself at least for now.
But what I am trying to say is that of the people I know almost everyone has many skills. Some are known for playing 5 instruments well, some are amazing at social skills, some are very skilled programmers and some even have various world records on games or something else. Me? Well, I'm perhaps slightly better than the average gamer and that is the only thing I have ever done other than eat shit sleep and fap every day.
>>29783944
Without knowing what a "balance" is, talking about an "imbalance" means nothing. You might say that Happy people have different brains than sad people, but that's only stating an obvious fact. Two thing cannot differ without well, having differences.
It also implies humans are just machines and when we're sad we're just not working properly. Might as well implant diodes into our heads and turn our brains to orgasm mode.
>>29782360
fuckin right
i dont know how people don't get it
sure its not a big deal but then what is? people tell you to be happy and content with sucking and losing like what the fuck kind of value system do they have?
>>29784020
>that is the only thing I have ever done other than eat shit sleep and fap every day.
Basically answered your own query.
>Some are known for playing 5 instruments well,
He spent his fap, shit and sleep time playing instruments. Anyone who says they didn't is bullshitting, posturing or underestimates their own time investment the same way we underestimate the passage of the days as years vanish in laziness.
Believe me. I'm the absolute scum of the earth, NEET loser etc but applying myself works, I'm just fucking lazy, but what I do know is you need to objectively deconstruct the desires of your superego and that will release you from the the triggers and expectations that shut you down in your efforts.
Hardest hours of anything arent 1 to 20, or 1 to 200, it's 1 to 2000 minimum, after that, it falls into place.
>>29784015
what if humans before the enlightenment, and era of psychiatry, the people living in tribal societies close to nature, already had figured this kind of stuff out through millenia of trial and error?
what if it's impossible to ever fully understand and describe this kind of thing, chemically and neurologically, but, when something works, it works?
what if there's nothing to be lost, because without that one certain state of health that people have found after being 'born again', nothing matters anyways, and even if death or madness were a possibility, it'd be better to risk death or madness than to not find that state of spiritual, mental, and physical perfection?
what if this is actually an extremely old and reliable technique that has simply fallen out of knowledge and practice in our culture?
>>29784032
believe me, brother. i know what balance is. intimately. and you can probably recognize it when you see it, too, and other people can recognize it, or it's absence, in you. it's completely instinctive. you've maybe met some people that just seemed... so right. to have it together. you felt at a basic gut level that something was good about them.
what if the laws of spiritual wellness are as concrete as the laws of physics? what if the brain is a delicate piece of machinery that can only serve its purpose when well maintained?
>>29783672
Without utility, what the fuck am I? I'm a fucking leech.
But that's not even what this is about, not really. I want to be good at something for MYSELF. Just to be secure in the fact that I'm not complete trash, that I have something I'm exceptional at. It's not about being useful, it's about being capable. Utility is just frosting.
>>29783826
Oh, I'm well aware that I overvalue myself. You just outlined a system that I've given quite a lot of thought to. I know that deep down, the source of all this self-loathing is incredible arrogance. It's doublethink, and I know it's doublethink, because just above I talked about being bad at everything. I KNOW that's not true. I say I've never succeeded at anything, but I've had plenty of successes, and I think of myself as really smart. People around me constantly TELL me I'm really smart. I berate myself and call myself stupid when I fuck up not because I actually believe I'm substandard, but because I have this burning need to be better than everyone else. I have a distorted view of myself and others and our actions; I think of myself as better than everyone else, which obviously isn't true. As a result, when that fragile image is shattered by the fact that I am, in fact, a regular old human being with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else, I fucking lose it. The slightest fuck-up destroys my confidence; I'm worthless, garbage, I should kill myself.
So really, it's just a petty, narcissistic kind of perfectionism. I hold myself to an impossible standard due to my inflated, extremely arrogant self-image. When that image is shattered, all of my self-worth goes down the drain and I go suicidal and call myself worthless. What I should consider being acceptable and human, I consider inexcusable, because deep down I see myself as superior to my peers and I can't deal with the fact that it's simply not true.
>>29784108
>what if humans..
What if, what if. No evidence based thinking.
>appeal to nature fallacy.
>appeal to tradition fallacy.
>what if just works!
>spiritual, mental, physical 'perfection'
Perfection is subjective by person, by time, by society, by self actualization etc.
You can't suggest your perfection is another persons. Drug use does not deliver perfection.
You're honestly just heavily imprinted upon by your own feelings because of your drug use which has dismantled your perceptions time and time again and when those perceptions are dismantled by a chemical substance - there is no divinity, no spirituality, no fractal of god, all you're seeing and feeling is the feelings themselves stripped away from meaning - your 'realizations' on drugs are more banal and shallow than the normal realizations of day to day life which atleast have sense in reality, on drugs you were just literally viewing your own base components and sampling the raw feelings out of context.
You don't have any place suggesting the vulnerable abuse psychoactive chemicals based on this kind of thought.
>>29784108
>believe me, brother. i know what balance is. intimately.
Woah guys, move over. We got ourselves a nobel laureate to be. Please publish your paper on the functioning of the mind so you can collect your award.
>what if the brain is a delicate piece of machinery that can only serve its purpose when well maintained?
This is just a tautology. A brain which is functioning a certain way will produce a different result than a brain functioning a different way. Sad people have different brains than happy people. I understand that.
There is no evidence that chemical imbalances in the brain as we know it cause depression.
https://chriskresser.com/the-chemical-imbalance-myth/
>>29784203
>>29784182
if anyone needs assistance, or someone to talk to, i'm leaving this tab open until the thread is prune, and will look in and read when (you)'d.
if you don't need any help, god bless you and carry on.
>>29784203
P.S
jesus christ was crucified for publishing.
>>29784110
>because deep down I see myself as superior to my peers and I can't deal with the fact that it's simply not true.
Basically yes. You have to dismantle yourself, right now, you're your own worst enemy. It isn't anything spiritual or chemical it's just the habits of your ideas which are crushing you.
But also you have to learn to learn. No one just 'knows' - belief that you just know things leaves you as batshit as that weedlmao poster in here. All of your knowledge and skill has to be hard earned through repetition and constant misunderstanding and then re-understanding and correction (humans call that 'failure') and finally raw time - if anyone is learning faster than you it's because they have access to superior material or have, through learning, found a good way to learn, not because they were born with the ability to play a violin - evolution didn't predict the existence of the violin, just the need for hands, of which you have a pair.
In short though, try not to get philosophical about it or chemical about it before you've got logical about it first. If you feel like shit it means you're doing it right. I like to think of that crunching in my stomach as the injury of the demon that sets me back, it becomes a good pain when you're in deep on a game.
I remember I started out sucking shit on my favourite game, getting annihilated and eventually ended up killing the best player of the time with a melee weapon, after killing 8 of his clanmates one by one to reach him within half a minute or so and after it happened it mean't nothing, just a step to the next one. I eventually beat the best of a class in the game, MLG champ of his clan, actually played for money, 3-1, it was literally the food my little bastard demon wanted all this time, the ultimate fucking salt feast and it felt like nothing, I was expecting orgasm after and there was nothing.
That demon won't pay you jack shit for feeding him, if you ever managed to, remember that.
