TALK THREAD
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You are currently reading a thread in /r9k/ - ROBOT9001
You are currently reading a thread in /r9k/ - ROBOT9001
Let's talk about
Self awareness, future goals, past failures disruptive mentality, emotional disaster, fears, hopes, repressed feelings, rejection, life philosophy
And anything you need to talk about
Want to be a filmmaker, but don't want to be a millennial cliche struggling filmmaker.
Rising sophomore in college. Current major Poli Sci with minor in Econ and possible double major or minor in Cinema Production.
Don't want to waste time and money on bullshit classes, but also don't want to put off dream to the point that I can't try it ever.
Interning this summer, so not on a shit track, but still struggling with this in the back of my mind constantly.
>>29557953
Your doing well man. Setting a good educational net for yourself. But I see a paradox. You are studying for numbers. One of the more restricted, bordered jobs. But film is a canvas for creativity. What is the plan here? A safety net of income to the peruse film? Making sure that no matter the outcome of the films you will always be financially secure?
what do I do when I'm young and never had a family and never had true friends and have no idea in what to do with life
>>29558062
It's so that I will have an ability to get a legitimate source of income after I graduate. (The internship is government-based). Almost a 'back-up plan.' But what I'm realizing that my back-up plan is becoming my forefront plan. My major may change before I graduate, I still have a semester to change.
I'm open to different majors, Poli Sci seemed like good knowledge to know and a gateway for opportunities for working environment. Econ is the same. But again, I'm open.
>>29558203
Well lad, that is up to you. Where do your passions lie? Where does your flame shine strongest?
When you see others granted with things you never had, you seem to find yourself limited by life. But real success comes from your own actions. From the paths you take. When you are aware of what you lack, you will never focus on your own horizon. See what you were granted. You were born on a battlefield, in a country at war. Other camps had more ammunition, more food, and more men. At times, it seemed like hell would inevitably engulf you engulf you. Yet here you stand. You learned to ration your food, count on yourself, and always aim for the head. If not yo would not have bullets for the next rising sun.
Your life still lies ahead. All the paths are still fresh and untouched. It is prime time to decide which pastures suite you bets. The only thing you can count on is your heart. It will never lie to you. You may choose to ignore ti, but it will always whisper it's true desires, even when it seem to be the worst of times to hear the truth.
>>29557797
I have OCD and think about hell a lot. i'm scared that me or someone i love will go to hell. i don't find the idea of no afterlife scary, in fact i want it to be over when i die. i am terrified because i can never really know i'm not going to hell until i die. religion doesn't comfort me because hell is unfalsifiable either way. we just don't know. anything else i can deal with. existing forever, no, especially if it is in torment.
also i have strong depression. sleeping whenever i'm not working, crying at work, brain fog, extreme guilt, weeping in my pillow hoping my mom doesn't hear me, etc.
i just want to know that hell isn't real. i could build a life from there.
Today I decided to end my life. I dropped all my obligations and ditched everything. It feels good, I finally feel free for the first time. A weight no longer lies upon my heart. Soon I'll be at rest.
Goodbye anons. Thanks for the keks.
>>29558403
I don't want to have to deal with the repercussions and stress of wondering how this turned out, so I'm not going to come back and see if you reply.
But, don't do it. Don't do it.
Would you ever kill somebody's son because you felt bad? That's what you're doing. There is always a chance that it's gonna get better. ALWAYS.
PLEASE listen stranger, don't do it. The fact that you had obligations is enough.
It's your decision, but please don't.
Alright, time to clear history.
>>29558290
It seem you are in a flexible state of mind, ready to jump at the best opportunity. Always keep that state of mind. Its a survival tool. But always follow that which calls you the most. You will know where you fit in best. Be ready for the unexpected and never get cocky. Life will always have a hand on its holster,m ready to shot you in the back. Stay on your toes. Trust your instincts and be aware of the fiends that surround you
>>29558393
any anons have experience with this? I feel that there is no way out because it is unfalsifiable. I have mild derealization/depersonalization, too, so that doesn't help. i am trapped in philosophical skepticism and fear of the unknowable.
>>29557797
i wish i could tell you the problems i have but i am simply a robot and cannot compute
>>29558484
Please don't try to trap me on this earth. I've been guilted into staying alive long enough. It's time that I be what I was always meant to be: nothing.
I've triedto make things better countless times but it always comesback to the fact that I despise all that I am, and regret all I have done and always will. The memories will never leave me anon, i just want to rest now.
I have no goals or dreams or passion. I just wanna eat frozen pizza and jack off to hentai all day.
>>29558565
go leave you have done all you can leave this life and may you find true happiness in the next one may you be able to feel no more pain, sorrow, or hate, but feel the joy's of love may you rest in piece anon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCQ53pWxDcE
>>29558652
Thats the only thing I've ever wanted from somebody. Now I can go in peace.
Good luck in all you do you gorgeous anon, you.
>>29558393
>religion doesn't comfort me because hell is unfalsifiable either way
You must understand that religion is not a safe haven for spirituality. It is a concentration camp for the soul. You must find your own tune, where you have morals and ethics, and follow them.
>i'm scared that me or someone i love will go to hell
You poor sweet fool. Still beleaving that there is a state worse than the one we live in. Where there is more retched beings to encounter, and more suffering. There are no pilgrims that went to those lands and told tales of the nine circles of cell. The consciousness we live in now is the eternal damnation my innocent friend. It is up to us to make our suffering as painless as possible. What more damnation could there be than the one we exist in at the present time? Creatures damned with consciousness and memory, living in a loop of emotions, fears and loathing of actions not yet taken, of places not yet explored.
The OCD you have is your own personal hell. Others have their own iteration of eternal struggle. And now, you have business to attend to. It's getting late and you must report for duty. The task? That is up to you to fill. That is the only thing in your grasp. What needs resolve? Where should you start mining to one day find that shinning piece of diamond you were promised? Well, that is up to you. Pick up the pick and start picking at the mountain side.
>>29558682
can you tell us your name and the year you were born before you go friend?
>>29558745
Just call me D. 1994
>>29558605
>I have no goals or dreams or passion
What is this none sense? You can't tell me there is no drive in your soul. There will always be something calling your name. In the distance, it calls you. In the wind it whispers. It might be faint, but that is not it's fault. It has been calling for too long, and you have been ignoring it for longer.
What are you doing in six months? In a year? n five years? Will you still be sitting there, masturbation to girls someone with less self-esteem drew. No man. There are greater things for you. Greater goals. But you must make the effort to find them
i salute you D
>>29558692
you misunderstand me. i realize that this life can be hell and that this is probably it, and we should just try to enjoy it, that's why i want death to be the end. i just feel trapped because i can never fully know that i'm not going to hell until the end. i agree with you mostly though.
op why are you here why do you want to help a bunch of freaks like us?
>>29558551
What kind of failed prototype are you? You can communicate with flawless ease the concept of the imperfections you have, but not expand on what they are. Make an attempt you fool. We might be able to tune you up, but we need you to get to the garage first.
>>29558793
may your suffering end, d.
>>29558367
Thanks.
It just fills me with anger, sadness, and envy when I see all these happy people who seem to have had so much affection and love and warmth in their hearts.
And when I look at myself, all I feel is coldness. When I wake up in the morning I just feel ice cold washing over me. I feel like I deserve nothing, cause that's what I got.
How do I find that within myself, to just go out and live life? I've just been rotting here, barely doing enough to stay afloat all my life.
I'm almost 30, I used to have goals for myself, now I don't care. I work at walmart, Haven't been in a relationship in nearly 10 years, have barely any family interaction, spend all my time alone when I'm not at work. Despite this I'm less depressed than I was in my teens/early 20s.
>>29558803
>i just feel trapped because i can never fully know that i'm not going to hell until the end.
What then, is hell? The misunderstanding came from my iteration of hell and what I conceive it to be. What is yours. What is the worst scenario? What is that which makes your heart recoil from the thought of that experience?
>>29558828
im afraid i dont know where to go op all i feel is nothing i just put a mask on and program myself to feel what humans feel
>>29558921
dying and having a continuous consciousness that finds itself in an incomprehensibly worse and INFINITE torment. for example: fundamentalist Christians are right and i burn in the lake of fire forever.
Doing internship right now, graduating with Masters next spring. Plan on moving to Seattle to get a job
I wanna be a hero and fight evil but I don't want to just beat up a bunch of poor people
>>29559099
we all want to save the world but we prefer to stay in our little bubbles and pretend that everything is fine
>>29558841
>I feel like I deserve nothing, cause that's what I got.
And what have you done to deserve any better? Those that live in glory and self acceptance have earned it. What adventure have you embarked that has given you that privileged?
No one gets anything in this world. At the launch pad to this world, they scammed us with big pink and yellow signs that read happiness and love for all that join. But when we got to the front of the line, they were all out. They gave us boxes and told us not to open it until we landed. Upon arrival, we eagerly opened these parting gifts, only to find a barley beating heart inside. And as we turned the heart, we read, sprawled across the side, the label that would mark our existence on this planet. Suffering.
Earn your bread, man. Nothing come free here. And the little you have will be stole if you don't take care of it. Always shoot for the horizon, and then a little higher.
>How do I find that within myself, to just go out and live life?
There is always a flame, my friend, that will burn inside us. The day it goes out, we stop living. We might still walk and talk, but life has left us, departing for something better. The flame is what drives us to eat. To shower. To breather. Its the passion for life. And those who follow it will always have a glass full of whiskey in one hand and acid in the other. Passion drives humanity's individuals forward. In that sense, you must flow with that energy, following the call to victory. And you will know it, since it call you by name. Don't be afraid of it, even when you don't recognize the voice. Trust it, and walk straight into your promised future. But never forget to pack some firecrackers and matches,just incase things get too hectic.
A little confused right now.
Thinking about the concept of "love", true love, or whatever you want to call it.
What I've noticed about myself is how much I want to be liked for who I am. And I know, in some ways certain things play a big part (looks, personality, etc.), and I absolutely understand that, so I just mean more in terms of personality traits of mine that seem inherent. No matter how hard I try to change it, when I'm being wholly myself, I'm shy, quite sensitive, quite empathetic, and really just appreciate honesty and openness between people.
Unfortunately, where I work is a pretty social place, and stresses and expectations can weigh on me quite well. I never feel authentic there, and I pretty much have to put on a face to function. Wasn't always a problem, but over the past recent years I hate being anything other than myself.
It doesn't help that I have a coworker who hugs me and gives me kisses on the cheek all of the time, yet says that we can't be anything other than best friends. It hurts because she's called me handsome and sweet and many occasions, but I'm assuming that I'm a bit too timid/nerdy to be taken seriously as a prospect. It's frustrating because I don't find it all that hard to act "alpha" or "confident", I just really hate how fucking bizarre it feels, and most of all, I hate the fact that shit like that works to attract people. Aloofness, me flirting with other people, or putting on a social face really does work in having girls view me as attractive, and I find that really upsetting as I would just love to be with someone who openly appreciates my actual traits.
>>29559183
To get it all off of my chest, I'll continue and say that I got out of a really emotional relationship about 6 months ago - one where i was completely myself to the person I was seeing. I was always clear about times where I felt ugly or annoying or just insufferable, or whatever it may have been. She was a bit older than me, but really understanding, and it has taken a while to get over her, so this coworker was the first who I was able to start caring about since (mainly due to the fact that the coworker seemed to at times genuinely care about my well being).
I'm just not sure how to feel about it. I'm working full-time in a pretty interesting place but ultimately music is my goal. I have a decently popular Youtube channel that is growing, and sometimes it feels like I'm just going through the motions watching it grow while trying to approve my musical abilities, but it's like I'm in limbo and not really heading towards, nor feeling, what makes me want to do music in the first place.
I'm sure all of this is making me sound like a pretentious ass, and I'm very sorry for that. Just don't get to vent properly very often.
I hate that as soon as this coworker has been on my mind, I've been more focused on her than creative goals. Sometimes I wish I could just flush this stuff out of my head, but I actually went into work the last two days ignoring her on purpose (as per the advice of an older female coworker who was pretty adamant it would work). Lo and behold, this coworker kept trying to hug me, make me snacks, trying to start conversation with me, started kissing my head, etc., and it really sucks because I'm sure I'm just this younger little dork to her who she wants the approval of for some reason.
>>29558971
Dude, are you me? I try to cope with these exact thoughts all the time, but sometimes it gets difficult. At least I don't have to deal with OCD stacked on that, jeez. You're not alone, Anon.
>>29559183
>>29559183
>gets hugs and kisses on the cheek all of the time
appreciate that man. that's more affection than most get and you're not even having to pay for it by playing house or taking her out on dates.
>>29559257
And to wrap up the vent by essentially repeating myself, one of the biggest headaches is the divide between being genuine even when it just doesn't help things. I want to be dorky and open about how much I like this coworker, but I feel like it will only help me if I act aloof.
>>29558971
Well my friend, that fear seems to have been bestowed upon you with the same care as the plague was bestowed upon Europe in 1346. You have let religion do what it does best to the minds of mortals. Control them with fear. Making you doubt your actions, despite you knowledge and life experience. Subjecting ones self to other's beliefs and ethics is backwards and limiting to ones mental evolution. Craft your own from what you have seen in life. What real outcomes are in this world. Look back on the path you have treaded and know that those steps were made by you. That no one else can take that experience from you. You must not fear that which others fear. The reasons they fear that hell is for reasons you should not care about. Be afraid of what you can not do if you limit yourself from these fears. Then you are damming the you that roams the crippled Earth it stand in
>>29559288
You make a good point man, and I don't want to sound ungrateful in the slightest, but even this stuff only started happening for me over the last year. Didn't really receive much affection before now to be honest.
>>29557797
couple months from being 20.
i have zero interest in college, the debt i'd get in does not seem like a fair trade-off for the 'education' i'd get. all the information we would ever want is on the internet anyway.
I want to have a couple decent shitboxes, daily and mod the other however i want; turbo ls, cage blah blah.
I want to own several guns, built .308 AR, built .223 AR, blah blah nothing stupid expensive except for a cheap .50BMG because big caliber, big fun.
not much for goals beyond that and a place to live.
i know i need a job but i have horrid anxiety about my acne, my face, back, shoulders are covered and i don't think i'd ever go out on a daily basis like this and enjoy it. so i guess short term goal is get rid of that.
Just another freak in the freak kingdom
>>29559176
Thanks, actually.
>>29558939
Finding yourself on the edge of isolation, barley in the same realm as other human beings. There is nothing more toxic to the mind than absolute mental and emotional depravity of other living, communicating creatures.
As humans, we are damned to interact with one another. We find ourselves loathing contact with disgusting creatures that speak and have needs. But ironically we crave their acknowledgment and company. It is the sentence we have been given for living here, among many paroles and death sentences of varying calibers.
What has you corned prototype?
My friends are insane and i need some new ones.
>>29558994
A living creature in the depths of the ocean makes it presence known.
Good hunting lad, and good luck
>>29559317
This may not be helpful advice but maybe what men used to do, what a lot still probably do, is be themselves around other men. Not saying the super emotional stuff necessarily. At least not all the time. But it seems like being genuine with woman just doesn't work well except in very small doses. Women like that whole mystery thing.
Maybe you need a bro to really talk to and a girl to be with intimately.
My Girlfriend is far away and i've never meet her before. We have been dating online for months and we were gonna make a next big step but things have changed because of her mother, now we just kinda just casually talk most of the time and i worry it might degrade if i dont go a few states to see her. I love her very much and i am a pathertic human being with no job still and a desire to cook with college in the future
All my old highschool friends stopped playing video games and are all getting married and shit. You guys are my real friends.
>>29559419
i just wish i could live alone with no other humans just me,myself,and i but alas i need other humans to work with so i can earn money for my basic needs
>>29559491
how do you know if she is real and not some human prime ape male trying to scam you human?
>>29559339
>all the information we would ever want is on the internet anyway.
Information is everywhere. But true knowledge come from personal experience. College studies have been given a pedestal, built with lies and money, in our society. There is a reason for it, but I won't be another washing that monster of a conversation. Real knowledge is earned with life. Where you see breathing experiences that no one can take from you. No one can truly describe with human words the epic voyage it takes to climb a mountain. To stand atop the world, and see what mortal men can only call Valhalla. That will never be taught in a class room. That must be lived and suffered to earn the privilege to call it a part of your life.
>because big caliber, big fun.
Keep masturbating that american dream lad. I know I do.
>Just another freak in the freak kingdom
Too weird to live
Too rare to die
>>29559669
We seem to have exchanged pure independence for shackles that are held by other more rotten creatures. What did we get in return? What was the exchange meant to be? That is the quest we are all truly on. What is worth living for in this state of plummeting sanity and empty love canisters? I have found mine. It is up to your humanity to find its own. Its an unforgiving path, filled with backstabbers, fears, indecency and doubts. But we must be prepared, and pack our bags adequately. Don't forget to bring a pair of fresh socks and a flare gun. The swamps of guilt and envy are thick and deep, and they will consume you.
>>29559393
I'm damned to the dirt I step in. I'm always a rocks throw away. I'll be here for sometime. If you need to talk, or just need to let some pipes cool off, this is a safe place.
>>29559682
Because we cam chat all the time and shit and i know she is real, i've even seen her pussy
>>29559810
who are you op and why are you here? what is your purpose in this life?
>>29559837
Well. I got diagnosed with mild autism the other day, too.
I feel less human. On top of all this other shit I have to deal with, I got this.
The shrink said I don't feel pain, emotional and physical, in the same sense that normal people do. But occasionally my emotions do build up to ridiculous levels. He said that's why I was able to cope with a rather horrible childhood pretty easily for a kid.
I'm not fully autistic like rainman or anything, but nonetheless, it was pretty shocking and I've been feeling super shitty ever since.
I don't want to think or feel anything. I just want to sleep forever.
>>29559934
it's ok im not human either and sometimes
>>29559853
I am but another soul on this plane of existence, condemned by awareness and a believer of the great lie that is hope. The notion
that if I keep swimming deeper and deeper into the trench I will find an air bubble somewhere, waiting to be found. And I will be the unfortunate bastard to find it. I find myself to far in that region of the ocean depths where no light has ever reached. Where rumors are made of life existing here, but no records have ever been made. And as I slowly keep descending into what I still believe to be the right choice, I consider my life. Where am I? How did I end up here? Am I happy here? Should I keep going? But before I reach any real conclusion, I notice the bubble of air, in a cave-in off to my right. And before I start to swim towards it, the damming thought slithers into my brain. Maybe I shouldn't reach for more air. Maybe this is as far as I'm supposed to go. Maybe this is the end. It's up to me really, but do I really want to keep going? What now. whats next.
>>29559934
Well my man, I recommend you stock up on that ammunition we talked about earlier.
In the midst of battle, you were forced to walk the mine field.
So what now? What is your plan? Education? Work? Drugs? Life or death?
Not sure where to start desu
I'm a NEET, Tranny with BPD and am emotionally still a teenager.
I've decided the only kind of person that will/can love me is a /robot/ but even the few I've spoke to either live too far away or can't deal with me because I'm a big meanie some times.
I've been approached by people IRL but I'm so dead set on finding another mental retard, that I can't bring myself to meet normal people.
I keep thinking If I find the perfect /robot/ BF Its gonna be like in the movies, just romance and well, nice stuff with none of the drama, but I keep creating drama.
What do I do /talk/ anon?
>>29558779
Whoever you are dude, you just put me on the path. I needed to hear that faint whisper shit.
>>29559994
th-thanks, i guess
>>29560100
Well, on the drugs front I've kind of gone and done something a bit fucky. I took about 13 Grams of shrooms. For the first time. I don't really know what I was thinking, but I went with it. In the peak, It was like the visuals for the DMT trip in Enter The Void, if you've ever watched that movie, which I recommend. Everything was just extremely bright, colorful patterns, mixed with weird tingly vibrations all over my skin. This felt like it was going on for eternity. While this was happening I was making the noises of a retarded child going through a fit, and my grandfather thought I was having a Seizure and took me to the hospital. I was totally fine, and it wasn't necessary. Fine aside from the immense embarrassment. The first trip in what I hope to be a long career, hopefully the next ones will not end with me waking up restrained to a hospital bed at 6 AM. I wouldn't go back though. Worth it.
The only plan I have is to learn some kind of trade, carpentry, masonry, fuck it I don't know, maybe a welder, just something to make enough money to survive. I'd like to travel to America, around the west. I'm a canuck. But I always hated schooling, so maybe I'll just sell a bunch of my shit and see if it's possible to survive on that for atleast a couple years while doing jobs that don't require more than a high school diploma. I don't need great wealth, just enough to survive and fund some travel. But that's all fantasy right now. I really don't know.
welp my batteries are running low time to shut down and charge goody bye op hope to someday see you again in another thread who knows maybe someday will meet each other in real life without even realizing it. but who am i to say i am simply a robot
>>29560135
You are trying to believe a fantasy you created. Trying to live a lie fabricated on lies and dreams. You are so self aware, that you have deemed yourself inaccessible to normality. Trying to find someone who also qualifies himself as a social outcast. Someone you believe to be on your level.
At some point in the past, I wore the same shoes you now wear. By trial and error, thru personal emotional degradation and extreme resentment to my self and my partner, I saw the truth. I wish to explain it to you with sticks and stones, but doing so would compromise the knowledge that experience awaits.
The most I am willing to share now is a word of caution. The path you are descending is a constant emotional struggle, with twisted realities constantly colliding. Listen to your deepest emotions, they will never lie to you. They will try and keep you from getting hurt. Be careful my friend, you only have one heart. They are combustible flammable things, that like nothing more than to feel polar emotions. I hope the best for you, and tread carefully, for you sanity's sake
>>29557797
I feel like my life has been steadily improving, but it's still very far away from being a healthy "normal"
I feel like I don't belong here anymore tho and I am unsure if I should leave or not
I want to become a veterinarian but upon being realistic with myself I know I'm probably not smart enough to make it into medical school.
Plus the standard endless religious crisis and existential agony, feels weird man. Thought something would click when I got a little older but I'm 20 now and it feels like the void of uncertainty just keeps opening wider.
>>29560203
I try to put the unseen world of personal grief and experiences into the English word. I wish that no one takes the same trail I did. I ended somewhere on the other side mountain, looking over a burning village, unable to do anything but ponder their suffering. And unknowingly, in that moment, I lost that which defines a man and separates children. Innocence. It was a fantastic moment of loss of humanity thru gained knowledge. But it started a path that ends with my last breath.
If there is any knowledge I can share I will. It would go against my constructed morals and ethics to do otherwise.
>>29558829
>>29558793
>tfw I shitpost on a death cult board every night
>>29560205
You need something more grounded. You need facts, numbers and names before you start moving your ass around. Like I told the other lad, college is on its disgusting pedestal for a reason, but in a way essential to survive on this plague of a government ruled planet. With something on paper that classifies you as smarter than the average rock, you will have access to many more doors. It's fine to live in a minimalist essence, but your dreams with naturally crave more. Set yourself up for greatness, and you will be fine man.
>>29560231
Goodbye prototype. I'm always here, just in the right place where I see fit to comment. I'll make a new thread soon enough. These usually run all night, right up to sun rise. Like a vampire, it gathers force at night, but as the day begins and the creatures retreat from the rays, so does the thread.
But I will be here. I won't put another thread tomorrow, but possibly Tuesday night. Maybe Wednesday. Or this might be the last thread I ever open.
Who knows
>>29560532
I guess, I just don't really know what I'd do. Writing, maybe? I was always good at that. I don't really have a passion for anything, atleast not that I know of. Shit man I don't know. I can't sit here forever though. I want to run off somewhere, go to the nevada desert and trip balls of peyote or something.
>>29560383
>being a healthy "normal"
My man you clearly are, you are here. A more normal person, as defined by social standards, would not visit this site on routine.
>I am unsure if I should leave or not
Leaving this self-condemned place will greatly help your life. The dog can dream of freedom. It can run circles around it's miniature house, believing it's one step away from victory. But it keeps ignoring that god damned leash.
Leave this place for some time. Ad least a week. Focus on what is really happening in your real life. What is on your plate. What do want to do now and what can wait. We aren't going anywhere man. We will always be here. But if you can save yourself, you will be a living creature that can walk on two feet.
>>29560409
So what now? What must happen for this void to mark its borders? What holy miracle must happen for you to decide what direction your life is taking?
Self awareness
I constantly joke about people who just happen to be in their own world and the universe is just made for them. Not picking up after themselves in public, throwing garbage out of windows, being a shitty driver. It seems that I'm incredibly stuck in my head compared to other people because I try to be considerate to everyone. This has also led to a degree of anxiety because I always feel like people are looking at me.
Growing up fat and with a parent that didn't pay much attention gave me a complete lack of self esteem and a general sense of apathy. I feel like I'm unlovable and there's nothing about me that is worth investing your time in to. Vanilla as can be.
future goals
I've always wanted to own my own business. Nothing big, just something I can go to every day and call mine. The shitty thing is I'm terrible with money and even though I've worked 40 hours a week for my whole life I don't have any money and I'm in debt. I even had a business plan worked out for a 10-station VR internet cafe that I think would do really nice in this area but who wants to loan money to a 20-something with debt? Fortunately I've been credit-minded my adult life and have a great score
past failures
I've never finished anything I've tried. Football? I'll play half a season then quit. Wrestling? Get injured and drop out of the team. Welding? Sure the college is entirely free right now thanks to a trial program you were lucky to get in to but I want to stop going to school and sit on my ass all day playing video games.
disruptive mentality
I have a lack of drive, motivation, follow through, and I'm lazy. I realized in the last year that it's chronic depression. My parents said I had an 'old soul' as a baby because I never cried much, just sat and chilled. Growing up was the same, I didn't want to seek out friends after school I just went home.
emotional disaster, fears, hopes, repressed feelings, rejection, life philosophy
And anything you need to talk about
I don't think it is acceptable to role play duke especially here
>>29560647
>I was always good at that.
It's not about what you are good at man. Where does your heart lie? There is something that only you know, that causes your soul to become unwavering aroused. There is something that cause pure raw nervous joy to begin foaming inside you.
Whatever causes that, peruse it.
>go to the nevada desert and trip balls of peyote
Well man, that is a trip you must prepare for. Resources. Time. Hookers. You need a degree of preparation for this trip.
>>29560821
emotional disaster,
I'm just apathetic most of the time. I went to a music festival this weekend and while everyone was just around enjoying everyone else I was stuck up in my head and unable to have a 'good time'. I would just walk with my group and observe. The only time I was able to have an actual good time and let go was when we would take a drug for the night.
fears
I don't want to be a depressed sack my whole life, but I don't want to get it diagnosed or medicated because I'm afraid of losing myself. I can read books or try to change my outlook, but I don't want to take a dedicated drug regimen just to end up on the wrong one and crying in my bed wanting to die. My depression is very steady. It's a warm blanket that you don't want to leave on a cold night. You have your comforts and you see no reason to go outside of them.
But meds could be what my life actually needs. People are genuinely fixed by them but even if I take them I'll just think it's a fake happiness only held up as long as I can get my meds and then what would happen?
hopes
Being loved and wanted. I grew up feeling un-cared about and just bottled those kinds of things away with video games. I didn't realize what kind of an affect that kind of upbringing would have until I was already just like my dad. He was a single parent who worked 12-hour days to pay for us all and I never appreciated how hard it must have been. Even though he would come up and sit in his bathroom he would never abuse us, just made us put up with him being drunk and like a brick-wall most days. I mean the only times he would come up to me and tell me he loved me was when he was drunk.
It damages my relationships with friends even. I convince myself over time that they all hate me or are annoyed by me because of little things I judge them for, but sometimes my paranoia is justified.
>finally bag girl I've always wanted, only one I've ever loved
>have a wonderful time for two months or so
>one problem though, always keep busting too fast with her, literally every time less than 2 minutes
>stops talking to me for like 2 weeks
>shows up at a party with a new boyfriend
>never said anything or apologized afterwards
>haven't spoken to her in nearly two years
>still fully in love with her even though I'm realizing more and more what a terrible person she really was
What the fuck lads
>>29560840
I never claimed to be Duke. I've never role played as him either. At no point have I lied about my current state of being to preserve a notion that I am in some location that any of his books or movies took place.. I've never included any characters form his works. I never asked to be identified as him. But my writing style is greatly influenced by the man, apart from the general respect I have for him.
It identify me as OP and keeps a consistency in the conversations. Where I am represented by Duke, giving a face to the text.
In the event that I was role playing as the man, how does that make it unacceptable you? Have you absolutely lost it? What makes you a judge on what is acceptable on the boards or not? You stupid chicken shit. Almost every other thread has human genitalia on it and you are giving me guff for an act I never committed.
You have problems man, the kind that a doctor working death row can resolve.
>>29560821
>>29560936
I don't wish to make too comments since I take this as more of a release valve than an opening too conversation. But if you want any feedback from me, let me know man. I'm here
>>29560936
>But meds could be what my life actually needs. People are genuinely fixed by them but even if I take them I'll just think it's a fake happiness only held up as long as I can get my meds and then what would happen?
That's exactly how I feel but I never knew how to put it into words. I have anxiety and depressive episodes and I know that they could be resolved easily with the right medication, but I don't want to have to rely on a fucking pill to be "happy."
>>29560936
>repressed feelings
I want to be with my best friend. She was the first person to see me for the angry depressed guy I was and made an effort for me. We went to our first Paradiso in a group together but she got with another friend of ours a week before we were going to leave. It's been 2 1/2 years since and we've been good friends. He broke up with her 6 months ago and she fell hard. I was always there for her and made her feel good when she needed cheering up. She said she would read our texts to get inspiration sometimes.
I can't tell her how I feel because I know how she feels about me. Like I said before I convince myself that everyone hates me or is annoyed by me and over the years I've racked up evidence against our friendship. I just don't feel wanted by her the same way I want her even in a friend way. She only texts when she needs something, and when we went to our festival again this year it felt like she was annoyed with anything I had to say but still tells me I mean everything to her.
rejection
I've always been the best friend but never enough to want. I'm plain and boring and make no effort to showcase my traits so there's no reason to pick me over any other guy available. I'm like a dimly lit sign sitting next to a world of bright new neons. My room after 2 years of living in this house has no decorations on the wall, just a computer table and a bed. I go to work and everyone loves me, I perform well socially but make no effort afterward to talk to people and uphold relationships because what's the point if I'm just going to convince myself they're annoyed every time I message them?
life philosophy
I like Taoism. We don't know everything about the universe so there's no reason to act like we do. You go through life your way and I'll go mine, but give each other respect. If you want to do heroin I don't care but pay your bills. If you want to be a janitor or cashier your whole life for whatever reason, that's cool with me.
>>29560996
please give me attention and teach me how to unfuck my life and lose emotions for her
>>29561114
Anything you want to comment in please do, even if you're just bored. I've never put all this to words, I've never had the chance to talk to anybody about anything. I act as a dumping ground for my friends because I just listen, I don't want to tell my problems or secrets because I know they won't always be friends and I don't want to give them anything to talk about.
>>29561120
It sucks, I've never been on any kind of long term medication. I'm very lucky in my life in most aspects but this depression sets me back compared to everyone else and it's a drag seeing everyone be so happy with such little effort.
I've never been able to really lose myself. Even when I take something like acid or mushrooms I'm always very aware of everything around me and very analytical about it all.
Guys, I could work for SpaceX.
Currently I work a job I love but dont make amazing money. I know 2 employees at SpaceX and they could easily help me get hired.
Problem is though, I'm not college educated. I'm a fairly smart guy who would advance as far as someone who has no degree could but thats probably it.
I'm worried that SpaceX could become a dead end job that I will hate because of the education ceiling.
Am I being stupid?
>>29561319
Whatever the no-degree job is it's still good resume fodder. Until you find your career try to imagine how every job will affect your resume. If you work at a fast food place try to be a supervisor or manager because it's good for a resume, if you can work for one of the top space companies then work for one of the top space companies because that is a good talking point for a resume.
>>29557797
I thought cutting myself was part of an edgy attention seeking phase in highschool but the other day at work I accidentally cut myself and I tell you what there is nothing more exiteing than the sight of your own blood
>>29561337
I'm the regional director of an entertainment company that provides balloon entertainment to restaurants nationally.
I average $1800 a month from that alone, then add in parties and other related work and i hit $2200. mostly cash.
SpaceX will be great on a resume, but honestly, I'm not that interested in a resume needing job beyond MAYBE SpaceX because I adore the idea of the company so much.
>>29561319
Goddamn. I almost lashed out at you. But best of luck, I guess. I'm just really annoyed that this is how it always works.
>tfw jobless despite a BA degree with distinction
>tfw I know absolutely no one within a company that needs my service or that is even remotely respectable to begin with
>tfw debt and no neet bux
>>29561420
so, go for low tier permanent SpaceX job?
My debt totals under 3k btw. no car payment either because motorbike.
someone convince me to go to bed, I haven't been to sleep in two days
>>29561420
>BA
>BAit
>>29561286
>I'm incredibly stuck in my head compared to other people because I try to be considerate to everyone.
No you poor fool. We are in a constant state of prejudice. It is an act we cannot control. It is a natural mechanism that happens, whether we want it or not. Judgment, on an individual introvert scale, occurs on how we act on those thoughts.
When you saw what you deemed to be flaws of the abominations of man, you made rules and ethics that bordered what was right and wrong. But you feel confronted by your own hubris. Feeling this bloated toxic emotion, you felt necessary to take extra care for those you found yourself surrounded by. But this is unnecessary, as needed as it may seem. Believing that compensation for a creature who himself is flawed is an inconsistent flawed mentality. In a sense it is a construct of the different atrocities you experienced, but nevertheless a flaw in the human perception of itself in society.
This isn't an individual flaw my poor distressed friend. Many other poor bastards experience this at some point in the damnation. But it is something you must overpower. Hopefully, you can over power it with will and practice. The alternative is much grimmer. Thru testaments of your sanity and devotions to mankind.
>>29561441
Well, let me put it this way. Your friends can get you in but you won't work with them. I'd just try it for a week before making a decision. A good company will give you time to consider, in the end they will not want to waste their money on you either. I can't stress enough how important it is that your colleagues aren't completely unbearable fuckheads with nothing to talk about. It's hell on earth. So just see if it fits you, if it does, go for it. Just so you know you did everything you could. At least that's what I'd do. but then again I am apparently too stupid to get a job in the first place so maybe don't listen to me.
>>29561528
>reducing absolutely every post to bait
>memeing
Yeah believe it or not, there are thousands of people studying design. I happen to be one of them. Does your world of chad and stacy memery not allow for that?
>>29561578
It's sound advice, but it has a few assumptions.
1. they are friendly toward me, but not really my friends.
2. the company hires through a staffing agency.
3. I get along with almost anyone. I'm an entertainer and really calm.
I dunno, I'm 60/40 towards not taking the opportunity.
>>29560821
>I feel like I'm unlovable and there's nothing about me that is worth investing your time in to
The disbelief of personal worth can only come about from the most heinous of continuous life experiences conceivable. To feel unworthy for your own person is among the putrid emotions we are forced to endure as mortals on this plane of existence. It is the most fantastic satire of human life imaginable. Where your natural functions are in constant synchronized work to keep you alive. And the devaluation of that same life holds you back in unconscious ways.
The only way to over come this horrid state of being is by appreciating gestures and kindness from other. The effort put forth my your fellow man and understanding the work made for you is crucial.
But the essential to love is simpler, but possibly the most difficult to achieve. To receive affection from others, on any level, and indulge in it, you must first accept yourself. Who you truly are as a person. That you are worth a human life. You are worth your name. If you don't take precautions to this, you will never be happy with anything you accomplish. You will be taking the elevator to the ninth ring of suffering.
>>29561072
except that you are clearly (trying to) roleplaying duke
its not very good either. you haven't grasped anything beneath the veneer. You can't feel his balls knocking around your sack.
get a fucking grip. you're being flushed down the toilet.
>>29561525
You are not the only one dragging it's body across a wasteland of unfocused dreams and forgotten promises. At some time, what seems to be a life time ago, we set out to find that something that once brought passion and drive into our souls. We now search for that light, hoping to feel that high again. But we have stared at the sun for too long. Now we pace, endlessly. And we hopelessly search for that light, when we have truly gone blind.
I hope one of us makes it to the water stop. If not, tell my mother she's chicken shit.
Men I am being pursued by sanity. It's closing in faster than I thought it could. I must go. I will be back. Sometime in the next millennia. I trust you will keep this safe haven for those that have encountered their swollen suffering and lost. I will try and respond to any posts made at me in the following hours if I can.
>>29557797
I constantly masturbate and can't stop. I've closed my eyes at night to images of all the porn I've ever watched. I'm gay (not this lgbt raiding shit promise) and have delved into the weirdest of porn. Sissy porn...yeah I know...I've also looked at traps and shit and almost though to myself if I want to be that or if I'm trans. Well I love my body as a dude (despite little chub and FUCKING Back acne) and like having a dick. I've never thought of being a woman (am disgusted by vag) and always liked it dude on dude. I have OCD and I'm a hypochondriac. I feel as if I've masturbated so much to porn I've developed fetishes and have become addicted. I can't get paste 1 day of nofap.
After I eat for 10 minutes I have all those phloem in the back of my throat and constantly hacking and coughing on it until things settle down again
>>29561599
Well you mentioned your BA as if it should help you get a job, but it's a fucking BA lol.
Can someone teach me some physics or electromagnetism? Just something so I can either feel secure in my intelligence or realize I'm retarded, one of the two.
>>29561948
>the weirdest of porn. Sissy porn...
That's vanilla.
>>29562556
Ok yeah vanilla here but it's just terrible. I regret watching it the moment I cum. I hate seeing women in it its just the humiliating aspect. I used to have normie porn tastes. The regular stud and twink stuff. Now it's fell into this. I like having a dick that's for sure but that whole trap stuff turns me on. Guess if you constantly fap 6 times a day you end up falling into a pit of it messing with you mentally.
>>29562667
Want to be my stupid sissy slut you dumb little whore? Daddy'll let you choke on his cock like the good little girl you are.
>>29562756
Yeah no I've practically tried quitting this stuff. Not gonna indulge it anymore. Call it denial or whatever I'm just gonna do a hard nofap. No thanks on the uh..."offer"
>>29557797
I was lazy in my teens and early twenties and never worked. No one pushed me out the door and encouraged me but I can definitely put most of the blame on myself. My family didn't care about my future but I should have in their place.
Now i'm 31, turning 32 in a few months and trying, struggling desperately to get a job somewhere. Anywhere. I've been struggling with it off and on for seven years but i'm really kicking into high gear this year but nothing is happening.
I drove around town and applied to every job there was, drove to the next town over and did the same then drove thirty miles away to look for work as well. Nothing.
I've been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts lately too.
I just want to work and make money.
>>29562551
If you feel like you're not intelligent try to educate yourself; while watching youtube videos, take some notes, try some simple experiments.
greentext time
>born left handed
>decide out of my own will when I was a kiddo to use my right hand
>grow up right handed
>26 now
>4 years ago I started feeling the urge to use my left hand
>my personality has shifter immensely in these 4 years
>my brain literally itches when I don't use my left hand enough
>sometimes get sudden rushes of energy that compel me to "move" e.g. I joined some volunteering group that was set to leave for africa the next year while I was going through one of these stages
it's not very interesting but I have no idea what's going on so if somebody knows let me know tbf
>>29557797
I want to be a Doctor. A psychiatrist so that I may go into research and development of mental health.
Grew up in poor family and have spent whole life working in charity causes I.e. homeless groups, ambulances divisions.
I'm 22 now. Going back to school, but feel hopeless. What do I do?
>>29558527
I'm someone clinically diagnosed with Depersonalization, hello
Questioning philosophy and having existential crises at one point or another is normal. It is not a mental disorder, until you constantly feel hollow and weird, like you're not even real. It's like always being in a dissociative state of mind. But if you feel as though it's actually affecting your relationships with people, work, etc, then you should see a therapist. Hopefully this helps you.
I can online enjoy relationships thru online.
>tfw you're about to pass out but you're still waiting for his text to wish you sweet dreams
Well for the next six months my goal is to get better at greek and make some friends while im here in greece. Its not going so well, but then again I have a lot of time
