Who /parentsruinedyourlife/ here?
>Mom comes back from the store
>Bought me a "family size" bag of twizzlers
>"Here honey, I bought these for you. Should last you a while."
>Eat the whole bag within an hour
>tfw over 250lbs
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT MOM YOU KNOW I'M ON A DIET AND THAT I DON'T HANDLE PORTION CONTROL VERY WELL WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU'VE FUCKING MADE ME A DISGUSTING FAT FUCK.
FUCKING REEEEEE
Haha well just your lusck anon! I wrote a guide for this.
HOW TO KILL YOUR PARENTS: THE COMPLETE GUIDE
THE BORING DISCLAIMER:
Here's the usual legal shit: I am not responsible for anything you do with the info presented here. It is for informatian and perhaps humor purposes only. In other word s you can't tell the judge that I influenced you to kill your parents. Thanks to the first amendment and the freedom of speech I can write about anything, hehe. So go ahead and read, for "informational" purposes only though.
THE INTRODUCTION:
Everybody wants to kill their parents at some point in their life. If you never wanted to kill your parents why the fuck are you reading this? Below are some nice simple and creative ways to kill your parents, but first if you are a little bit unsure whether to kill your parents or not or you just need a good motive to give to Mr.Sheriff here are some reasons to kill your parents (or things your parents do that piss you off):
They annoy you
They embarrass you
They piss you off
They ground you
They attempt to limit your freedoms (like no tv or no computer)
They starve you (like if you get grounded and are sent up to your room without dinner)
They overfeed you forcing you to eat until your stomach bursts and blood starts gushing out your mouth
They bug you about your grades
They are bosey and ignorant
They hit you
They drink booze themselves but wont let you have any
Etc, etc, etc
Now that you have a motive or two (or three, or four) here are the actual killing methods:
>>29391955
IoI @ your life fat man
>>29392021
You left out the actual methods, but at least a few of those apply to me.
>>29392053
Fuck of normie, it's not my fault.
>>29391955
Reminds me of the relationship between Eric Cartman and his mother.
>>29392236
>>29392021
Sorry, it was tooo long.
ELECTROCUTION:
This method is usually used on the female parent(s) also know as "the mom." When your mom is taking a bath bring your sterio into the bathroom and plug it in, if the bitch asks you what the hell you are doing tell her to fuck off and then just drop the sterio (that's plugged in and turned on) in to the bathtub. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
UPS: Your mom will die quickly and almost soundlessly.
DOWNS: You have to see your mom nude, not very pleasant unless you like that sort of thing. You have to get a new sterio. Dead cooked corpses don't smell all that great.
SHOOTING:
This is a pretty simple consept even for all of you high school dropouts. All you need is a gun, some ammo (DUH, what did you think?) and a silencer, or something else to muffle the noise, like a pillow. However you don't need a silencer if you live in a remote area like Australia (yes that was a joke). Then once you have all the stuff just sneak up behind your parents and shoot them in the heart or the neck, or for all of you sadistic bastards shoot them in the head multiply times (hehe). Also, if you want to make your parents sad, wait until they turn around and see you and then shoot them in the leg first so you can see them suffer.
UPS: This method will absolutly kill your parents unless you are a REALLY bad shot.
DOWNS: Someone might hear you (shoot the gun off). Or someone might hear your parents screaming.
>>29392466
Cont.
I have a bunch more of these lol
CHOKING:
The best time to choke your parents is when they are sleeping, unless you are really strong and can overpower them while they are awake. So, assuming your parents are asleep you need to sneak into their bedroom and handcuff tie them to the bed bedframe, making sure they can't move. Then all you have to do is either put plastic bags over their heads (making sure there are no holes in the bags) and tie the bags with ropes around their necks so they can't take them off. Also for extra silence tape their mouths shut with electrical tape before putting on the plastic bags. There are also a variety of other ways to choke your parents like put a pillow over their heads, put them in an air tight room
UPS: This is a really silent method, unless you screw up of course.
DOWNS: Your parents can wake up while you are handcuffing them leading to all sorts of explaining to do and possibly psychiatric hospitalization for you Just tell them they told you to do it in school or something like that.
SCARING:
This method usually only works if your parents are really old, have a bad heart, take heart medication or have a weak nervous system. If your parents have all of the above I am really surprised that they aren't dead yet. All you have to do is wait around a corner until your mom and/or dad comes and then jump out and scream "BOO!" or "AAAAGH!" You'll be surprised how often this works ;).
UPS: If this method works your parents will die right away without any noise.
DOWNS: Your parents might not actually die but just pass out, so make sure to chop off their heads as soon as they are unconsious or "dead." If you don't have an axe (no home is complete without one) then you can just jump on top of your parents' head with your two feet. But make sure your wearing nice heavy boots.
>>29391955
You're a fat fuck because of your own lack of self-control, not because your parents bought you shit that was supposed to last a month.
Fat people are the fucking worst.
>>29392513
POISONING:
This method can be easy or hard. This mostly depends on you and how high your obsession with perfectionism is. If your level is high then you'll need to find your self some cyanide or other popular high class poison. Anyway, once you get the cyanide or whatever put it in your parents' food, then make sure they swallow it. If they do they'll be dead in no time (well in about 5 minutes actually). If you don't want to shell out the dough for the cyanide all you have to do is put some draino or another oven cleaner/drain cleaner in your parents' food. As soon as they eat it they will start gagging and if your parents have any brains at all (you'll be surprised how many actually do) they will try to reach for the fone to dial 911 or your grandma's house to tell her (the grandma or the 911 operator) that they (your parental units) are dying. So what you need to do is make sure that the fone is unplugged.
Coming back to cyanide for a moment here's an interesting fact I found out not too long ago: apple seeds have a small percentage of cyanide in them. So what you can do is get about 200 apple seeds toss them in a blender add some ice cream and milk, mix it all up and then tell your mommy or daddy it's a great health milk shake you just found out about. This works even better if your parents are health food freaks.
Another poisoning technique is to get some poison mushrooms and if your parents are cooking something with mushrooms put in the poison ones too. You can also give your parents stuff that they are allergic to, like if they are allergic to spicy stuff put some red pepper in their salad or whatever. If they are lactose-intolerant (can't eat milk products) put some cheese in their spaghetti. Just remember to unplug the fone so your parents can't call anybody.
>>29391955
>It's my mom's fault I'm a disgusting whale who can't limit his portions
Die.
>>29392583
UPS: If you used the cyanide method(s) your parents will die for share in about 5 minutes unless they start sticking 2 fingers down their throats and barfing it all up, (but we can prevent that by chopping off their fingers, can't we?
DOWNS: Sometimes if you feed your parents stuff they are allergic to, they will might not actually die but they will experience some great discomforts that can be really fun to watch.
>>29392609
BOOBY TRAPS:
There is a shitload of booby traps you can make. There is also a shitload of booby trap how-to vids out there in the great underground. So I wont get into all of those electrical and mechanical traps because there are enough places that have them allready. Just keep in mind that the basic principle is to wire something so when your parents open a door or something or turn on a light it completes the circuit and blows them (your parents) up. Anyway, here is a nice quick simple trap I came up with one fine day. All you need is a hammer (a real one, not one of those shitty play-skool plastic ones). If you don't have a hammer you can either a) go and steal one, b) use a heavy rock, or c) use another heavy object. So once you get your hammer you need a door that opens inwards (into the room) (if your parents are going into the room), or a door that opens outwards (out of the room) (if your parents are coming out of the room. Once you find the right door balance the hammer or the rock on top of the door. Letting part of it rest on the wall next to the door. So now when your parents open the door the hammer or rock will fall on their heads and crush their skull instantly (making a cool crunch sound like the one in all of those old crunch commercials).
UPS: If this method works your parents will die instantly and soundlessly (except for the crunch sound, hehe).
DOWNS: Sometimes if your parents have a really thick skull this method will not kill them but give them a concussion. So as soon as they are unconcious and you think they are dead jump on their head or use the hammer to whack them a couple of times, like those arcade games where you hit the gators or the groundhogs. Also when jumping on their heads wear those mountain climbing boots with spikes on the bottom for extra fun!
My parents read all my private mail before me
>>29391955
>I'm a retard with the self-control of a 5 year old.
>Muh problems are everyone else's fault XD
>>29392637
DEPRESSION/SUICIDE:
This one should be easy fo you robot s to understand.
First of all I want YOU to memorize something: depression = suicide. Remember that scientific formula. This method usually takes some planning and some patience too. Now what you do is leave a suicide note pinned to the fridge saying soemthing like this:
Dear Mom and Dad,
Thanks for making life such a hell for me. You made me realize that life is not worth living anymore so I should just end it all right now. I am sick and tired of your yelling and arguing with me. I just can't take all that shit anymore. I can't stand living with you and I can't stand YOU! Therefore, I feel that this is the only way out, so I decided to _____
(pick a suicide method or add one of your own)
1. go to the ocean and drown
2. Jump of a _____ (write in the name of a high place in your area, like a hill or something.
So thank you once again dear mother and father for making me realize how shity/unkind/cold/mean the world is. If it wasn't for you I would still be alive in this fucked-up world.
p.s. By the time you read this I will allready be free (dead) so don't bother looking for my body.
Sincerely your dead son, ______
( sign your name)
>>29392466
Holy shit anon, are you 15 or something? That was the edgiest thing I have ever read.
>>29392690
Cont. for the depression/suicide mothods:
The main focus point in the letter is to make them feel responsible for your death. This letter will create an even stronger effect on your parents if you just had a big fight the night before with them. Also don't forget to write the letter by hand so they will know it's genuine.
Once you finish writing the letter and you put it in a visible spot you'll need to find a place to hide out in for a while, like a treehouse. Just make sure you have plenty of food and water (about a week's worth because it usually doesn't take more than a week for your parents to snap). Then if you are lucky your parents will soon decide life isn't worth living without their child and kill themselves, (if you are not the only child kill your brother(s) and/or sister(s) and add their signatures to the suicide note above). Now if you hear a gunshot or 2 in the next couple of days it means you have succeded and your mission is accomplished. I you don't hear a gunshot it could mean that your parents chose a different way to die or that you need to take more drastic measures.
>>29392653
isn't that technically illegal?
>>29392693
No it works and full proof so don't bitch mr fbi its fine if you want to kill your parents just relax and let me finish.
Cont. depression/suicide methods:
So what you do is late at night or early in the morning (around 2-3 am, or whenever your parents are asleep) dress up in pale white clothing, make your skin paler by using make up bought at a costume/art/prank store or sprinkle some flour all over yourself. Also darken your eyes by using eyeliner or whatever and smear some ketchup around yourself to represent blood. Then go to your parents' bedroom and start saying in a low and slow voice, "Join me mommy and daddy, join me, it's lonely here. I'm sad and I'm alone. It's very very cold." Do this repeatedly for a week or so and it will definetly drive your parents "over the edge."
UPS: This method is really fun to try and it gives you a chance to mess with your parents' heads, not to mention you get to practice your acting skills.
DOWNS: This method takes a little while, so like I said you need to have patience. Another downer is that your parents might insist on looking for your body so they can give little Johny a proper funeral. So what you have to do is order a human corpse from the a science/biology catalog or get one (steal one in layman's terms) from the local morgue.
>>29391955
>I'm a fully grown adult
>I'm overweight
>I keep eating more than I should every day
>It's my mums fault because she gave me too much food 15+ years ago
HAHAHAHAH
>>29392774
Dude what the fuck is wrong with you?? Even if you typed those as a joke...
I've had the same problem! I'm pretty much over it as I now have got a job and am beginning to buy all my own food.
>>29392236
Howdy
I was like you once
>>29392774
>>29392817
Nothing, just for "informational purposes" ddi you not read the disclaimer???
Anyways cont.
CONVICTED METHOD:
First ask youselves if your parnts do anything illegal? Do they? If so then you are all ready chrystal solid clear and you don't have to brainstorm and use yer noggin.If they are upstanding citizens then you will.
First think of a way you can get you're parents convicted. For the purposes of this lst im going to go with child porn conviction. This is because you can do one of two things after they get convicted. Ill adress these later.
First you actually have to plant the porn. So your going to have to go on the deep web and look for thep porn. Now another thing you robots cant actual;y enjoy the porn yourselves ;)), wouldn't want to get arrested yourseves now would we???
Anyways just plant it on your dad or moms computer (yes sexists women can enjoy porn to).
After that you have two options
1. Death by cop: Once yer parents get arrested, all you have to do is hide in the house and wehn the coppers come just shout "THEY HAVE A GUN, THEY HAVE A GUN" and hopefully the copper will gun them down qucikly and effectively.
2. Death by prison gang rape murder: Now we all know that everybody (normies) hate pedos more than anything else so if your parents go to jail for child porn they will surely get gang raped and kill in the process. But we can't take that risk of assumption now can we? No. ur going to have to pay a gang off inside the prison to do it. this is pretty eas and self explanatory.
UPS: This methods is guaranteed to work especially if yor parents have a reputation for being creeps already
DOWNs: it's a bit involved and there are a couple of things that can go wrong.
>>29393056
CONCLUSION:
HOW TO DISPOSE OF THE BODIES
Ok, so you've finally killed your parents, but now you have 2 corpses lying around in the living room (note this doesn't aply to the last method cus your parent will be lying dead in some prison shower lol). Not exactly the furnishing style you were going for? Well here are a couple of ways you can get rid of those 2 dead things in your house:
Drag them outside and dump them in the dumpster. Just make sure you pile some trash bags over them so they are not noticeable.
If you are to weak to do the above method you should start working out, but for now you can chop the bodies into decent size pieces with a nice ax or butcher knife. Then put the pieces in a plastic bag, then put the plastic bag in a brown bag, then close the brown bag, then toss the bags into the dumpster. Or you can eat the meat if you are into that sort of thing.
Toss the bodies into the ocean, when the tide is leaving.
Bury the bodies in your backyard. Just make sure you bury them deep enough (the standard 6 feet should do just fine). You can also plant some flowers over the "graves" to disguise it as a garden.
Just want to stress again this is for """""""""informational"""""'""""" purposes only/comedic stylings.
>>29392563
>>29392597
Did you not even read the post? The fucking bitch knew I was on a diet and that I'm not good handling appropriate portion sizes. How the fuck is that remotely my fault, it's my parents fault for not raising me correctly.
>>29392784
It wasn't that long ago, I'm only 28 so high school was only 10 years ago, not 15. And a parents responsibilities don't magically go away when the child turns 18, they go on forever. They are still responsible for not teaching me well, even now.
>>29391955
I feel ya buddy. I gained back a bunch of weight I lost because of my family who are feeders. Now got to start over. Don't have any advice, other than to stay strong and keep trying to get back on the horse. Good luck.
>>29393342
Literally no one told you to eat them all within an hour, even your mum said they should last a while.
>>29393611
Again, the details were in the OP if you had bothered to read it. She gave me the whole fucking bag. A half way decent parent who knew my problems would have given me a few each day, controlling my diet. Now a weeks worth of candy is gone and it's all her fault.
And the worst part is, she will mostly likely do the same fucking thing again in a few days. She gets off on it, making my life miserable and making me so fucking fat and GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I COULD HAVE HAD A NORMAL FUCKING LIKE I HATE THEM SO MUCH REEEEE
>>29393700
You need to not eat candy at all. Tell her not to buy it, throw it out if she gives you any. If you can't portion control yourself, eliminate the entire thing. You can't rely on her to do portion control. If she is purposefully sabotaging you, then you must develop countersabotage strategies.
>>29394480
I can't just throw it out if she gives me candy. I'm too weak for that and she knows it.
>>29395562
Work on it. I've been losing weight for over a year now, my mother always brings me food even if I tell I don't want it. I understand the struggle, but if you really want to lose weight you have to try. Ideally you would be able to control yourself and only eat a portion, but that is incredibly hard for some people. If you can't manage it, throw it out. Have you asked her to stop? Explain yourself, if she cares she'll stop. If not, you have to take control of what you eat.
>>29395843
Can't, I'm not strong enough because my parents sucked.
Mummy mummy! My milk is ready to be wanked from my willy!
>>29391955
>being able to eat that much candy/junk food within an hour
>not feeling naturally disgusted after 2 or 3 suggested servings
Fatties disgust me.
>tfw can't gain weight that I actually need and fatties have way too much
>>29391955
OP... it's OK I went to the store and bought 3 bags of takis and ate them all in under an hour
>>29391955
>freshman year HS
>beta faggot nobody
>dad asks why I don't go to schools football games
>"Those are for popular kids. They hate me and I don't care."
>REEE YOU'RE GOING, BUILDS CHARACTER, MAKE SOME NEW FRIENDS
>Go to game
>Dad made sure to dress like a homeless veteran
>Stared at the whole time by chads & stacies
>>29396908
WRONG FUCKING THREAD REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>>29392021
>>29392466
>>29392513
>>29392583
>>29392609
>>29392637
>>29392690
>>29392726
>>29392774
>>29393056
>>29393171
Thank you, Anon. It was very entertaining.
>>29398288
1hankyou, anon.
