>first day working in a server house
>wind turbines break down
>no choice but to manually crank to keep the bandwidth open
>forced to power the entire southeast's internet with my right arm
>get tired, start cranking slower
>people's internet can't get through and their uploads get redirected to the company fax machine
>fax machine prints everything that comes through
>IM messages, Reddit posts, and Wikipedia edits get printed out
>office gets flooded with papers
>before my shift end my boss makes me go through each paper and retype it and resubmit it
>tells me not to come back the next day
Just die in my sleep already.
>boss walks in on me touching the firewall girl
>starts spanking me and telling me that she cost a lot of money
>plugs a cable into my butt and puts me of firewall duty
the people at my work are so gross
>>28311633
>on firewall duty
>redirect the uploads into a garden hose with the mouth of the hose inserted into the end
>uploads get cycled through the hose endlessly
>go get a McDonald's ice cream cone
>come back 30 minutes later, open up the hose and let the uploads go through the bandwidth
>realize I forgot to check for viruses
>quickly call the guys in the basement and tell them to block all incoming uploads
>they tell me they already went through
>entire network could be infected now
>we have to do a rollback
>every website with its server based on the East Coast gets reset back to 1997
>get flooded with angry calls and emails
>redirect the emails to the company fax machine
>every email gets printed out
>office is flooded with papers
>forced to take them home in a folder and write handwritten apologies to each customer
>come back the next day
>realize I didn't finish my McDonald's ice cream cone
>I left it on my desk and now the keyboard is all sticky
>boss is angrily slamming on the keyboard trying to stop a nuclear launch sequence
>mfw I fucked up
>>28311777
Jesus fuck anon this was amazing to read
>trip over a cord and disrupt the service in Pennsylvania
> boss puts me on punishment detail
>rooting around in the vents on vagrant duty
>its hot as fuck
>the loud rumble of the server farm fluctuates as I squeeze my sweaty body through the low corridors
>rats scuttle away from me as I grunt along
>find a whole gaggle of homeless taking shelter from the cold
>these bastards keep shitting in the vents, the smell is fucking vile
>chase them with a broom for half an hour
>collapse from heat stroke
just fuck my shit up senpai
>>28311777
fuckin kek. also nice trips
>boss tells me to reroute all traffic going to Australia to Canada for processing
>kek as I rub the sores on the server dude
>Australia always getting fucked over
>suddenly server dude has a massive seizure
>made I forgot to give him his medication
>fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
>tug his dick until he seems to calm down
>boss walks in on him cumming on my face
>wasted perfectly good cum, we're supposed to recycle it for cooling fluid
>boss grabs my micropenis is and flings me against the wall
>sever dude chuckles at me
Honestly fuck IT
>boss is away laying internet cables in Afghanistan
>before he leaves I give him the number for my company issued cell phone
>for months he's been texting me work instructions from his position in Afghanistan
>I haven't received a single text
>I assume nothing's happening and hang out in the coffee room where I heat people's coffee by working the crank
>after two months I realize I accidentally gave him the number for the new fax machine instead of my cell phone
>all of his text messages have been printed out by the fax machine and then archived in the basement
>the only way to access a locked archive is with the boss's key
>tech guys and I smash open the archives with a crowbar
>boss gets a notification on his smartphone that someone broke into the archives
>he starts heading back to the office from Afghanistan
>we realize he's coming and quickly find his text messages
>we file 400,000 documents in the span of 30 minutes and catch up on our workload
>boss arrives in the office just in time to see us leisurely faxing documents to the zoo next door to look like we're working
>he grunts, walks back out, and goes back to laying internet cables
>we cheer and exchange high fives and I get everybody McDonald's ice cream cones
this thread is fucking platinum tier
>get a phone call at 12:34 AM
>one of our customers went over their bandwidth limit
>they have to be automatically charged now
>I go into the office, punch out the card, and slip it into the master computer
>computer starts ejecting fluids before I'm ready
>scramble and bang my head on a table, grab the graduated cylinder, and scuffle over to collect the fluids
>scrape up all the spilled fluid off of the floor and put it in the graduated cylinder
>measure out the liquid to see how much the customer exceeded their bandwidth
>300 mL = 34205.5 kb
>punch out the card, slip it into the calculator
>calculator starts beeping, I measure out the beeps and I translate them
>34205.5 kb = $3 charge
>call the customer and pretend to be a computer
>tell them they have been automatically charged
>they start cursing angrily
>tell them I'm just a computer and hang up
>fax machine starts printing their angry emails
>rig up the paper shredder to collect the emails and shred them
>mfw being innovative with technology
![1438941190306[1].gif](https://i.imgur.com/LyFFSZ0.gif "1438941190306[1].gif")
>time for lunch
>unhook the coolant line from the East Coast server
>superheated gasses begin to shoot from the emergency exhaust vent
>put my baking pan with tendies and zesty fries on top to cook
>get my food when it's done and go on /r9k/
>realize that I forgot to reset the coolant pump
>computer on the fritz due to high temperatures
>uploads being faxed from every printer
>superheated gases ignite the stack of papers
>grab tendies and laptop
>get out before the building burns down
>ask the boss if I'm "fired"
>shoot him a finger-gun and a wink
>we all laugh it off and go home
good times
you all deserve my bump
>get interviewed to work in a server house
>my interviewer is a greasy Armenian who barely speaks English
>he starts the interview by handing me an hourglass
>"How does an hourglass resembles the internet?"
>I think to myself for a bit and then answer
>"the sand goes to the bottom, but only a small amount can through at a time. The sand goes both ways, too, if I flip it around. The internet is like that with downloads and uploads and bandwidth limits."
>the interviewer screams "NO!" and smashes the hourglass
>he says that's how it resembles the internet, it's broken and it gets sand everywhere and it can cut you like broken glass
>I realize my mistake and apologize
>get the job
>first day I get my arm crushed in a server and have to get it amputated
>they halve my wage and reassign me to be "half a server cleaner"
>I'm half a server cleaner because I go around with my one arm spraying windex on servers while the other one-armed intern chases me and wipes them down with a rag
>get paid $2 an hour
I need to know more.
page 10 go away page 10
I need more desu
