I'm going to die alone edition. Its been a hard week for some reason.
How are you all doing?
Terribly, keep binge eating so soon I'll be fat as well as neet
>>24577161
Whats causing the binge eating?
>>24577195
Depression mainly, I'm trying to get a chad bod but my mind tells me I'll never get GF or job anyway so may aswell eat junk
>>24577220
Whats stopping you from getting either of those things? They're both not unachievable
Business as usual, senpai. Wasting time and being poor.
>>24577249
Im too lazy to have chad bod, when I lift weights in my garage I get an urge to quit straight away and I never eat healthy. Can't get attractive gf cause social anxiety and no job
>>24576951
>hard week
>for some reason
its the holidays you dolt
I remember my first year of depression, heh
>>24577267
Same here, i have things to do but I keep pushing them off
>>24577287
Maybe start running, or something that doesnt involve weight lifting? I cant stand it
>>24577293
Yeah, the holidays are a part of it. I've had too much free time, and I'm worried like crazy about school stuff
>>24577335
Cant get chad bod with cardio, although I do have excercise bike now
>>24577335
uni? what do you study?
Sorry I took a jab at you, drunk and I regret it now
>>24577368
Thats true I suppose. I dont really want muscles so thats all I do
>>24577369
I study history. And its okay, I've had much worse thrown at me
>>24576951
So there's this composition I'm working on for my school's jazz ensemble and some faggot was standing next to me and I heard his camera take a picture of what I think was my sheet music. I have nothing in my life to be proud of but this composition and if this faggot really stole it then I would finally have a reason to snap.
It's not for a class and is just something I'm doing for fun so I can't really tell on him, plus I don't think I would because I'd rather settle it on my own.
>>24576951
I'm doing alright thanks for asking. I really don't want to die alone. Anyway, The only thing I do in life that brings me pleasure is working out. Life has me totally jaded and disillusioned. I haven;t the slightest clue how to get out of it. Been this way my whole life, I don't think it's going to get better.
>>24577491
I studied history for a few years. do you want to teach? write?
>>24577519
Could you confront him on it?
>>24577565
Ever thought about therapy/meds?
>>24577686
I wanna go into archives, the more practical side. I'd be up for teaching though.
Just bought persona 4 arena ultimax on ps3 anyone want to play with me?
>>24577720
I'm pretty autistic so I want to avoid talking to people as much as possible. But if it ends up stolen somehow I need to find his name just in case.
I'm failing out of graduate school and I come to find out my parents are bankrupt. My dad is a hoarder who has packed the house full of shit. I go back in May next year to confront the mess, or just put a 12ga slug in my brain.
>>24577720
I haven't been to the doctor in years. I'm not sure how I would go about receiving therapy or meds. I just want to be happy for once in my life, and for a while longer than just a days moments once a year.
How are you doing?
>>24577720
cool. I didn't hang around in the major that long because I realized I wouldn't get a job and didnt havethe passion for it anyway. Good luck with the rest of the semester m8
>>24577721
Don't own a ps3 or else I would.
>>24577774
A good idea. Where were you when he took the picture?
>>24577788
Jeeze, that sounds rough. How much longer do you have school? Can you keep going for that? And how would you confront your dad?
>>24577830
Go see a psychiatrist, they can give meds and recommend you to a therapist or do it themselves
>>24577872
Thanks, only one more then i'm done
>>24577918
I have until May in school. They pay me to teach, so I can stockpile some more before then. But my appointment runs out after that, since I haven't been making progress towards the degree. I don't really care about the degree anymore, so that's not what's getting me upset. My mother having to live in filth is making me upset.
As far as confronting, I don't know. He has a workshop outside, and I think I'll try to clean that out this Christmas. Maybe if I can create a small island of order, it can stem the tide of shit.
>>24577918
I was behind a piano and my work was on a stand because I was editing a part. He was on another piano next to mine and I heard his phone take a picture and then he left the room.
>>24577975
Could you try to help your mother move out? Would that help?
>>24578031
Did you see it pointed at you?
>>24578056
Not at me, but it looked like he might have been tilting it my way.
waiting on my results from this semester of uni
If i fail this unit I had to repeat, I will get kicked out. Been feeling like absolute shit lately. I just want to die, I feel anxious all the fucking time. My only friends just want to smoke weed which I really don't want to touch in this frame of mind. Stole some of my dads oxazepam, has helped me sleep pretty shit benzo otherwise. The uncertainty of it all has put me in the worst headspace i have ever been in. Going to a bar with my cousin tonight, going to get fucking hammered and forget everything for a few hours.
I feel pathetic.
>Oneitis is dating best friend
>I'm still feeling for her
>it's been 4 months
everyone in these threads always says to just "get over it" and "find something new to do." like I can just do that.
Think I'm gonna cry myself to sleep tonight like I do every day.
NOT GREAT CHIEF
I just want a female friend only one friend that is a female I seriously have never had one
>>24576951
Been out of Uni for about 8 months now. Living at my grandma's and she's been very kind. I am unable to get a job due to anxiety, depression and no self-confidence. I keep all this a secret from everyone, but she just told me today that I can only live here for another week before I need to buy my own food (I'm broke).
I still have 3 bottles of wine and a full liter of vodka, so I'm drinking heavily tonight. No idea how I'm going to break this cycle I've been in, NHK taught me that hunger does it but honestly I see no light. I've been an outcast since middle school and have been an outcast ever since (24 now).
>>24578078
gotcha.
>>24578090
What unit are you taking?
>>24578121
Ouch, thats always really hard. Did he know you like her?
>>24578168
Whats wrong senpai
>>24578277
Never had one? Why do you want one so bad?
>>24578308
Have you thought about therapy/meds for that? Ever sought it out?
>>24578371
Idk I want to feel that experience of having a woman that cares for me that is not my motherwell I kinda have one my 9 year old sister but I don't consider her a female she is just a little girl and no I don't have lewd thoughts about her
It's all going to be over soon, I'm just biding my time.
>>24578442
Have you put yourself out there to meet people?
>>24578465
Suicide? Why are you planning for it?
>>24578371
>Have you thought about therapy/meds for that? Ever sought it out?
I was close to setting up an appointment, but stopped because after some research I found that all therapists are normies and couldn't help me. In addition, it would go on my record and would stop me from joining the military and from getting most jobs.
I also don't have any goal I'm striving for, so I have no motivation to do anything. No attachment either. My family isn't the worst, but I can't say they are the best either.
Thanks for replying though. I just wanted to rant.
I'm getting meds senpai
I'm gonna make it
>>24578371
he definitely knew beforehand. He was the first person I told and for a bit he even was kind of a wingman. then after two weeks he realized I was too betafag to do anything and he said he was gonna date her because, and I quote, "she's pretty cute, and I need to bang someone, been dry for a month lol"
He always was a half-chad, really. I don't know why he hung out with me. Maybe I was the check box on his resume that said "supports a depressed person" so he could feel better about himself.
>>24576951
A bit better tb.h. I lost 16 pounds and counting. Feels good. I also have better grades in college/feel better since I'm seeing my therapist, although there's a lot of work left to do
>>24578671
>then after two weeks he realized I was too betafag to do anything and he said he was gonna date her because, and I quote, "she's pretty cute, and I need to bang someone, been dry for a month lol"
What research would tell you that all therapists are normies? It might stop you from the military but it won't stop you from any other jobs.
>>24578670
What meds
>>24578671
Wow what a jerk. Does he understand how hard it hurts you?
>>24578693
Nice, glad to hear it! Whats your goal weight?
>>24579178
i don't really know if he does. i told him "hey wait a minute dude i was gonna ask her out" and he was like "whoops sorry better luck next time :^)"
so i cut contact.
>>24578735
my thoughts exactly.
>>24579178
Well I'm 215 right now for 6'4" so 185 should be nice. Guess I'm almost half way.
But honestly the loss weight is the easier part. I try to be more sociable right now but this is so.... I don't know, the efforts I must put in just for not look like a total sperg are just ridiculous. But I guess That even if it's baby steps there's still progress
>tfw depressed look on my face even when i'm happy
I've learned that I need to smile 24/7 or I look like i've just seen my entire family killed. Why god?
I thought I was doing okay this week.
I spent Mon-Wednesday working myself to death with essays, then chilled Thursday and tonight
I got almost everything I wanted done, feeling proud of myself
But I spent too much time alone maybe, and I basically had too much time to think. I started thinking about my ex and I started fucking crying
then i looked in the mirror and didnt recognize the person i saw
whats wrong with me /r9k/
>tfw ex gf finally changed the Netflix password after 4 months.
>>24579308
i know that feel
i get daily comments about looking like a serial killer/school shooter.
>>24579242
Yeah thats pretty awful of him. Don't blame you for cutting contact.
>>24579306
Yeah, small steps to the goal
>>24579308
I look pretty angry whenever i have a neutral face on. Not super great
>>24579331
Depression, thats whats wrong with you
>>24579339
No more free netflix :(
>>24577491
>>24577720
hey, im in history too!
hoping to do a masters something related to the Napoleonic era, if not that then teaching, archives, or museum work
>>24579383
>Depression, thats whats wrong with you
I thought I had everything under control though. Been taking my meds, been going out most weekends, spending time with friends and doing things I enjoy
fuck, i hate this shit
>>24579445
Sometimes I worry there is no end to it.
>>24578525
I want to kill myself on my birthday which is next week, I'm going to jump off a bridge.
>>24579568
Please don't anon. Don't do it. We care about you
>>24579535
apparently the whole purpose of medication is so eventually you can get off of them and live a normal life
kek, this shit is the only reason i dont have breakdowns or think about suicide daily
i cant imagine getting off of it
Meds, exercise and forced social interaction saved my ass.
Also my family cares a lot about me
I think I'm gonna make it
Drank hard tonight at my friend's house. ran into my recent oneitis, tried to talk to her but chad stepped in. stole his beer tho.
>>24579445
It can creep up on you when you least expect it. Its all about managing it
>>24579568
Why anon?
>>24579625
I don't ever plan on being off mine desu
>>24579680
Thats awesome anon! I'm glad you're doing good.
>>24579700
How you doing now anon?
>>24578090
May I ask what this is from my senpai, which japanese MAGNA this is from?
>>24579178
>What research would tell you that all therapists are normies? It might stop you from the military but it won't stop you from any other jobs.
Been in a probably 40 or more therapist threads and most people say they are normies and most of them prescribe you to depression medication within the first week which is odd.
Nobody wants a person who is taking medication for anxiety or depresison medication, besides maybe a few companies who don't care. It makes you a high risk employee who may take time off and not be able to finish their work.
>>24579813
You don't even have to let them know. Like why would your employer even know?
>>24579748
I'm just tired of living, I'm not lonely or want to be happy, I just want to stop existing.
>>24579863
I can understand that. I really can. I wish I could tell you what to do but I can't. I assume you've done the regular thing of finding help or no?
>>24576951
>How are you doing?
Lots of payments due, it's been almost two months, but I dont have the motivation to even look for a job. I spent all week stoned, because it takes away the pain. The meds are helping, but they don't do anything for my motivation. Yesterday I only got out of bed for a meal.
>>24579856
I heard the question often comes up in interviews. I attended a few events in my college on interviews and most of them asked about their mental health. If you said "nothing" or "You can't ask about that", they can look you up and find out.
>>24580019
Doctor patient confidentially brobot, they can't do a damn thing without you signing something that says they can.
>>24579863
Yeah, this sucks. I didn't sign up for this shit. It's ridiculous how pointless human lives are. Nothing we do in the end matters. We don't matter. Life is fucking pointless, and I wish I weren't aware of the fact. When is it all going to end?
Hi skelly, haven't been in this thread for a few weeks now I think.
Been good, was off meds for a week and felt really shitty, but now im back on and everythings stable again. Thanksgiving was pretty alright, we ate, drank, and watched football. But today had me feeling weird. My family went to a shooting range and I was pretty uncomfortable the entire time. I was surrounded by people who were excited and took joy in firing them, when so many times I've thought about using one to blow my fucking brains out. I was half scared I'd put one to my skull and pull the trigger as soon as they handed it to me.
I dunno, just feel weird man.
>>24579978
I've been taking anti-depressants for a while now but I don't feel different. I don't want to see a therapist because I have nothing to talk about and feel like it would be a waste of time and money.
>>24580012
I'm not sure what I can tell you to help man. Motivation is a really hard thing to have/gather. I barely have any myself
>>24580019
That sounds like a lot of bullshit, like I'd get mad if they asked me anything about it.
>>24580068
Maybe you should stay away from gun ranges, I'd feel the same way if I was at one.
>>24580070
How long and what ar eyou on?
>>24580116
No magical pill for motivation, which does indeed suck. Ah, well, these threads give me something to cry to. At least I'm pretty sure when I enivetably become homeless or institutionalize that through talking to myself I'll become several interesting people.
>>245797 sore as shit. i'm sick of stacy's shenanigans. drunk tho :)
>>24580547
I think you're in the wrong is place, friend. Maybe it's time for bed?
>>24580116
Venlafaxine, been taking 225 mg a day for a couple of months.
>>24580562
no man, i'm one of those robotic wannabe chads who is so close but so far. I'm working hard
>>24580309
:(
I reallly wish you the best anon
>>24580570
Oh man, effexor did nothing but fuck my shit up senpai. I'd switch if i were you
fuck my shit up desu
>>24580687
I was only taking them because my father insisted but I just completely give up.
my day was mostly all right
thanksgiving leftovers are pretty good and I still have a bit more pumpkin pie left
I helped some people out with emotional advice two days ago
r/a/dio is up and I'm listening to it and it's kinda nice
I just noticed it's already past midnight, I never really realized that being in a half-asleep haze constantly makes you lose track of time a lot
>>24580939
Is it all anime music?
Yeah when i was like that I was napping all the time and coudln't keep track of the time
>>24580864
Given up on trying?
>>24580983
mostly anime or nip music
I think it's mostly anime though, some JRPG too
>>24581025
Ah, not really into that then.
>>24581104
i stand corrected
two songs from regular jap music groups were just playing
and now fucking Space Jam is playing
such is /a/
I don't have any shrugging anime girls saved but I'd be posting one here if I did
>>24581274
and now Running in the 90s is playing
I don't know what to think anymor
>>24581364
That sounds terrible tbph
>>24581425
I'm enjoying it
RUNNING
IN
THE
NINETIES
>>24581442
oh god, that song
cant handle it
I find it funny that depression general is more positive and welcoming than half the threads on this board.
Been doing fine for a few months. This week's been tough for no obvious reason as well.
>>24581839
Yeah, r9k in general is very antagonistic
>>24581858
Anything in particular?
I feel like I will die alone, I don't think I'm ugly(no exagerated facial features) and I'm getting better shape after everyday as I'm lifting, but I just think I'm unable to atract women, and I fell in love for a girl who has bf, so basically I'm depressed and don't think that is going to help anyway.
At least I'm trying to improve myself and I'm no longer fat.
>>24581950
Idk. I've been making improvements but it still feels like there are no "good times" in sight.
>goes to college
>crippling depression
Fuck off normie tripfag shit. why dont you go to leddit for some attention whoring.
>>24582123
>does thing
>suddenly you no longer have depression
I bet you're one of those people who thinks you can just "get over" depression
>>24582005
Improvement can help with all of that though. Keep at it man
>>24582027
Same here. I'm terrified of the future to be honest
>want to learn how to be an artist
>nobody in my family is an artist
>try to draw something
>suck
>realize that it'll take so long to be good
>I probably don't even have the drive to do it
>give up and just spend time wishing I could draw
>repeat again every three months
>>24576951
>wake up normally
>at 9am massive tiredness hits
do most people feel tired when they're deoressed
previous deoressive episodes haven't made me tired, just apathetic
this is the type of shit where I wanna sleep at 2pm
I just didn't get out of bed today. Oh well.
>>24582312
nigger fuck off, if you want attention gtfo and suck dicks in your class instead of making "muh (fake) depression" threads
>>24582351
At some point you rather have to get at it or give up. Sure it would take a long time but the end result is worth it
>>24582353
Yes. My depression makes me exhausted all the time
>>24582475
There's always tomorrow
>>24582509
>enter a thread
>be hostile for no reason
/devilish/
>>24583032
>muh memes
confirmed for reddit cuc k could you have been anymore fake?
>>24583074
Damn I'm on life support someone pull the plug
I'm both a Reddit and a keklol'd both of which are VERY BAD and are NOT MEMES
>>24576951
I'm trying to stay positive, but it feels like every time I smile or act in a way that would imply I'm happy or doing better...
It just makes me feel like I'm doing it wrong, that I look ridiculous and dumb and everyone can tell.
It feels so damn wrong.
>>24583342
So you feel like you're just putting on an act? Or are you actually happy at those moments but you feel like people can see through you
Hi Skelly. I've been thinking a lot lately.
One of my touchy-feely psych classes (one I'm just doing for hours, not an advanced requirement) had me write a journal-like paper about a class topic. I wrote about forgiveness, and talked about letting go of something someone did to help get me to the lowest point of my life.
It got me thinking. I seemed so mature in this paper, and I think about some of the things I've posted here, and I become aware I'm not being the person I know I can be. I'm so bitter here, and lately it's just made me disappointed in myself because I know I can be happier.
Think I should just get off this board and never come back, or is there a way to balance it? Sorry for the speech.
>>24583424
Honestly? Just leave. This board is actively terrible and encourages/reinforces horrible mindsets. If it's affecting you in the least you should get out. You'll be a lot happier this way
Personally I'm really only here for these threads and gay threads. I pretty much filter out everything else.
>>24583382
It's a bit of both.
I'm sad in the moment, in the back of my mind.
So I tell myself "just try".
And then afterwards I feel sick and I hear myself saying "You tried too hard, and everyone noticed."
Not in the sense that everyone knows that I'm faking it. But I get the impression that I just seem odd/creepy/high.
I'm doing fucking terrible.
Me and my parents have not been getting along well at all. I have absolutely no motivation to do the work I need to do to finish with school in 3 weeks.
In the last month I made some norman friends and actually have started going out and doing things, but the thing is, I enjoy their company waaay more than they enjoy mine. They are my only friends, but I am disposable to them. So I started going out quite a bit, but now when there is nothing to do and they don't want to hang (because they don't even care about me that much), I just sit in my room and feel much more lonely and much more depressed than I have sitting in my room on 4chan/videogames in the past.
Now that I've acquired the taste for social situations I can't stand to be alone, but I'm alone the majority of the time because I have barely any friends. So I'm way worse than I was before, I've been binging on drugs, all I want to do is fucking die. I'm thinking about killing myself tonight.
My mom asked me tonight if I ever thought about killing myself, I said no like I usually do. She has always been worried about that. I feel so guilty lying to her, because one of these days shes gonna wake up in the morning and I'm gonna be dead in my room.
fuck my life. I can't even describe how sad I feel. I hate everything so much. I've been suicidally depressed most of my life, so usually I'm just numb, but I get in these ruts where I feel especially sad. Fuck me. I just want to let go of all the terrible things that have happened to me that still drag me down. I wish I could just make all these feelings go away, whatever they even are.
sorry for the wall of text or rant or whatever. I just want to get the feelings out.
>>24583342
>>24583535
I know what you are talking about. There is nothing more disappointing than wanting to try and be happy, but when you try it just feels unauthentic and forced. I hate it.
>>24583535
I'm pretty sure you don't come off badly to anyone by acting happy. You're being overly self-conscious for sure.
>>24583541
Why haven't you been getting along with your parents? And you do need to tell your mom the truth. It's doing you no favors holding all of that in yourself. You need help from the sounds of it.
And for social situations, ever thought of a hobby that would allow you to meet new people? That's how I met almost all of my friends.
>>24579308
I know this feel. One time I was being really social everyday and having a kickass week, I was feeling pretty happy. I got two comments at the end of the week about how depressed I looked, even though I felt fine.
I guess being depressed and the suicidal thoughts have taken a toll after all these years. I am really pale and I have black bags under my eyes, and my neutral face looks like I hate myself and everything around me. Fuck it.
>>24583645
Everyone in my family but my dad has a resting face that looks like we're about to kill someone. Sometimes it's just genetic.
>>24583633
My dad has been an alcoholic my entire life, but he's been sober for the last two years (save for a couple of relapses). We have never had a relationship at all, and after all the terror he put in our home when I was a kid, I can't even talk to him or look at him. We've always just kind of avoided each other, it's really awkward. But recently there was a blow up, and all these repressed emotions and experiences from my childhood were coming up, and we argued about a lot of stuff. He threatened to hit me, even though I was being calm and trying to keep the situation calm. After that I told him I thought he was evil, and that I'm not going to be able to have him in my life going forward.
I feel really guilty about it because I'm a pretty sympathetic guy, but I really shouldn't feel bad. All though my dad has always provided for me financially, he has been fucking my life up since day 1. It's always just more problems with him, and I still can't deal with all the emotions I have from all the fucked things he did in my childhood, so I just want to cut it off.
And my mom completely supports him and not me, because she bounces back between wanting a divorce and being all lovey dovey with him every few months, because she has one of those victim personalities or whatever. Right now she is in the lovey dovey stage.
>>24576951
Not well skelly, not well at all.
Physically, I have a very bad cold (which is made worse by the fact I haver asthma. Thank god for rescue inhalers). So I'm having constant, painful, dry coughing fits, a pounding headache, aching bones and muscles, and extreme fatigue. Can't really sleep either because of the coughing and the fact I might stop breathing in the middle of the night and die.
Psychologically, I'm doing fucking terrible. It's the holidays which naturally means spending time with family, often immediate plus extended. I can't stand to be around them. Their very presence aggravates me and ruins any good time I could have during the holidays. It's not that I don't like them, it's just our personalities and opinions are so different that I can't relate to them.
In addition to this, I have a somewhat massive crush on this girl that goes to my university. This crush has been going on for almost 9 months and is only getting worse. I walk past her on my way to class almost everyday. I want to say hi, but my fear of interacting with women keeps me from doing so. The worst part about it is that she knows someone has a crush on her because of an anonymous crushes page for my university, and it's quite obvious that she likes that someone likes her or that she's curious about who her secret admirer is, but she obviously doesn't know it's me. Not to mention, I don't know if she's single, I am on the heavy side, and I don't have the greatest looks (obviously).
On top of this, I have state/county mental health professionals/social workers that essentially are hunting me down relentlessly. They visit my apartment nearly everyday and call me almost every week, but luckily I'm away from home from 6:45am until about 6:00pm and I don't keep my phone on at work/school.
This came about from an ER trip about a month ago for self inflicted injuries (cut too deep and was bleeding like a motherfucker). I'm also suicidal and have been planning on killing myself.
I dont know how i did it, but i got a normie spanish gf. Shes the girl of my dreams, but i feel like i weigh her down with how much of an autistic failure i am.I dont know why i even go on robots
>>24583833
I just got over a really bad coughing cold as well. I couldn't do anything but breath short, ragged breaths, or I would entire a coughing spree. If I talked, breathed slightly too deep, laughed, or anything like that, my chest would explode. Good luck man, I didn't have asthma and this shit sucked really fucking bad.
I know you might not want to hear this or you might think it's bad advice or not applicable to you, but try and appreciate your family. I live across the country from my family, and even though I hate my stupid southern redneck family and we never agreed on anything, it's really really sad being completely alone on the holidays. Even if they care about you in the worst ways or for the worst reasons, at least it's someone who cares who will take the time to talk to you and ask about your life.
I don't have any advice about the girl really... You could try to swallow your fear and just go to her and tell her how you feel (even if your voice shakes), and face the possibility of rejection, or a cool new girlfriend and overcoming your fears. However, I know that for people like us this kind of thing isn't always the best advice, especially if you are suicidal.
Also, I want to ask you a question. How did you get found bleeding out? And what's it like having those people on your ass, what do they ask you about and do they actually help you with some of you mental problems?
I'm thinking about committing myself to a mental hospital or something, I think about killing myself all the time, I just want to stop existing, to stop feeling. However, I don't want to have those people on my ass like you said. Honestly I don't even want to commit myself. I feel like I'm just gonna get worse. I want to throw away my life to heroin and just die.
Look at all you faggots.
Do any of you actually do anything besides listen to the self-loathing soundtrack in your head?
>>24584048
Its better than just bitching to people who dont give a fuck
My oneitis blocked me on normiebook for no clear reason.
And to think I was having a good week, oh well, I'll just sink back into misery now, its not like I have an important assignment to submit in 2 days...
Should I just give up?
>>24584048
If I'm not listening to the self loathing soundtrack, I'm drowning it out with drugs or sleep.
Wish I could just die.
>>24584027
Sometimes skelly, even though this is cliche, you get me.
I wasn't necessarily found bleeding out, I cut too deep and when the blood started gushing from my arm I freaked out and had my roommate drive me to the ER. Spent 4 hours there under suicide watch and luckily ended up with only 5 stitches and some skin glue, which smells really weird by the way. Eventually a county MHP got around to evaluating me (they apparently had 3 attempted suicides/life threatening self-harm incidents that night), talked to me for about an hour, made me fill out a questionnaire, sign a contract saying I won't attempt to kill or harm myself, and a consent form for potential, voluntary treatment by the state/county mental health agency. After his evaluation and because I was cooperating with hospital staff, he told the hospital I was fit for release. Interestingly, I also had to do a UA, supposedly to see if this wasn't caused by some drug.
Anyways, to have people on your ass like this is annoying. When/if they get a hold of me (which has happened only once so far), they just introduced themselves, told me what agency they work for (MCAT, aka Mobile Community Assertive Treatment which is a division of the county mental health agency), asked me if I wanted to talk about anything (I said no, not at the moment), asked me if I was safe, and then one of them left their business card and phone number so that I could call them and tell them when an appropriate time would be to talk. When they ask the question, "Are you safe?", do not say no. If you do, at least in my state, they can and will commit you for a minimum of 72 hours, after which they either release you, or they keep you for another 14 days at the end of which you go to court to decide whether or not you need further treatment (anywhere from 90 to 180 days to an indefinite amount of time). Typically, they only do this for the extremely psychotic, extremely violent, or those who can't take care of themselves.
>>24584241
>>24584368
You can't win if you refuse to fight.
Reposting this
I recently had a long conversation with a friend yesterday and came to the conclusion that I probably have Depressive Personality Disorder
Probably not going to do anything about it though. I've seen 4 different psychologists in the past 3 years and I liked none of them. All they gave me were platitudes and advice to change my mindset on life. Yeah, like I didn't already try thinking a million different ways already. I didn't care enough to stay on the meds they gave me for them to take effect. I regret doing that but I feel like I can control how I feel well enough on my own to not have to put up with the bullshit of the medical industry, especially since my health insurance benefits might get cut soon. I can't afford another expense at this point
I'm basically trying to keep it together for another 2 years so I can graduate and find a job in my industry. Maybe then I'll start enjoying life. I can't remember the last time I was happy
Anybody know these feels? I'm not sure how to keep it together much longer. I'm hitting a wall
>>24584048
I wish I could desu. If I could choose to be normal senpai believe me I would
>>24584391
Not Skelly, I'm this guy.
>>24583541
>>24583746
Still, I'm glad that you said that I "got" you, it made me feel a lot better actually.
Anyway, I'm not really sure how to react after reading your story. Being suicidal truly is a terrible plight, even though everyone is trying to "help" you, it doesn't sound particularly positive or helpful. That's why I'm scared to commit myself, I just feel like it's gonna make me worse.
Anyway, sorry all this has happened to you. People go through some crazy difficult things. I haven't cut myself since I was in middle school though (not trying to take a jab at you with that comment). It's hard to imagine me cutting again. I used to cut the ever loving fuck out of my thighs and then lay in my bed and cry all night while I bled on my sheets. I don't remember when or why I stopped cutting myself, I guess I just found different ways to carry out my self hatred.
What do you personally find in cutting? Do you understand why you do it? Do you consider it an addiction?
>>24584410
Well, I wish I could find the courage to fight.
Every day the end gets closer. Distractions can only reach so far before they lose their appeal.
I'm so tired.
>tfw really sad about the challenger disaster
really devastated about it for some reason.
fuck
>>24584714
>people who just wanted to explore space and learn and have fun
>died horrible deaths on national television
>rapists/murderers/thieves get off scott-free every single day
It's hard not to be devastated when you look at it a certain way
I can't stop thinking about how much I wanna kill myself every single minute
why HAS it been such a hard week?
I'm on vacation and I should be enjoying myself but instead all I can think about are death and rape fantasies.
>>24584771
same here
Our minds are telling us to die maybe we should listen.
>>24584847
Because there's nothing to take your mind off suicidal thoughts.
And that's why I know I will have a terrible time during the next two months, after finals. I'm in a totally different country than where I lived all my life, and couldn't find an intership or any other way to spend time. Not even a decent computer to play vidya all day. If I survive that period, I'll be ready for everything.
>tfw depression made me lose a bunch of weight in my teen years. (was a fat kid growing up, got diagnosed with social anxiety and depression at 15 and went from like 190 to 130)
>tfw 20 and its making me gain a bunch of it. (went from 160-200 in about 3 months)
i wanna start going back to the gym but i dont have enough motivation to actually work out anymore. therefore i feel like spending however much on a membership will be a waste of money. i know 200 lbs isnt that big either, but i dont wanna get any fatter than i am now.
to be 300 lbs a year from now would make me wanna kill myself.
>>24584758
>all that optimism of space-age america
>even in the stress of a launch I can imagine them having that innocence and pride
>until they knew they would never make it
>the reactions of the people who had just seen the prouct of thousands of hours of their time destroyed
>the kids of the astronauts being told that they were a hero then realising that they were burnt to a crisp in pure agony
I don't know why but childlike innocence really seems to make me feel
>>24584895
I just have to make it here until Dec 5th when I have to go back home and deal with my family
at that point I think I'll really want to kill myself, like serious ideas
we really do not get along
I don't know how long I have to be there but I've already been hospitalized as a psychiatric inpatient twice this year because of living with them
they probably wish I'd just get the suicide thing right and stop dragging them to the hospital but I honestly want to get better (sometimes)
So I slept all day today. It's now 3:30 AM, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on anything and there's nothing I want to watch. What do I do to keep the bad feelings at bay until I leave for work in the morning?
>>24584572
Ah.
That's why I don't want to voluntarily commit myself, it'll probably just make me feel worse. Not to mention, though these are just anecdotes, but supposedly all they do in psych wards is just pump you full of meds whether you like it or not. And that's also why I'm not telling anyone that I'm actually planning on killing myself
As for self-harm (I burn myself as well), I do it for 2 reasons, emotional release and as punishment. I do it for the emotional release because I have no other outlet, I can't tell my family what I'm feeling, I have no friends that I can talk to, and I'm not particularly fond of counselors and therapists. I know they can help in terms of learning coping mechanisms and providing somewhat of an outlet for your emotions, but I don't feel like I could be totally honest with them and describe my feelings in my own words. Counselors and therapists, which usually are psychologists by training and trade, are analytical and want you to say things in a specific way so that they can understand them and put a label on them. I just wish I could find one that was able to understand me like a real friend would and give me a shoulder to lean on and to give me advice that I can actually put to use.
As for the punishment, it's because I can only see myself as a fuck up and loser and that all the shit I'm going through is because I'm just a shitty person. For these 2 reasons, I self-harm as a form of self punishment for being a fuck up, loser, and shitty person. Though I've done a lot of things that many in my family and from my town haven't done, and achieved a great deal of things that seemed nigh impossible, I still see myself as this pathetic excuse for a human being.
I would definitely consider it an addiction, both on a purely biological/physiological basis and on a psychological basis.
Is it worth seeking professional help?
I've been suicidally depressed for a decade and it's become too much, I could jump out my window any moment at this point, but from what I gather it's not like they try to help you through the problems but rather try to get you hooked on meds to being some money in.
Are there humane professionals who Carr out there?
>>24580061
If our lives did have a point, what would the point even be?
I seriously cannot even think of one.
>>24584329
>tfw made instagram, facebook, and other normie sites just to see my oneitis
>tfw she said I was creepy and blocked me
Just give up, man. I would just at least try to forget about her, and try to meet another.
>>24585971
I've known her since childhood though, I loved her so much, but you are right, its time to move on.
>>24585923
you make the point, that's why the minutemen fought for your amerifreedomsor the unionists
Of course this week was hard. Your depressed as shit m8. This week was hard for me too. It's getting worse again
Doubting if I even have depression right now. One of friends keeps telling me I do but I don't know anymore. I haven't been diagnosed.
