Whats the most powerful feel you've ever felt
>Be me
>Be weak, depressed, anxiety kid
>Spend years trying to fit in with others
>Can't connect or relate to anyone
>Spend years lost and empty
>Get therpy and diagonsed with BPD
>Lose motivation to do anything, live, eat, ect
>slow descent into despair
Long story short I spent years thinking I was just a normal kid that just had a bad start when in reality I was a fucked from the start
>>25038987
rage
when I cursed my fate for the first time
>mom was a raging alcoholic, didn't live with us
>went to my grandma's one day as a kid, 7 years old
>mom was there
>she was drunk
>undone jeans, undone shirt
>wandering around drunkenly, going nuts and hitting my 70 year old grandma
>demanding a lighter
>i am crying into my stuffed rabbit
>mom gets a lighter, starts smoking and blowing smoke towards me just because
>grandma yells
>"Michelle, look what you are doing to your son!"
>"I don't care"
Never forgotten this feeling to be honest.
>>25039195
Jeepers creepers anon I'm sorry.
>>25039124
what's BPD?
>Be me
>Be weak, depressed, anxiety kid
>Spend years trying to fit in with others
>Can't connect or relate to anyone
>Spend years lost and empty
I can relate to this, misdiagnosed with aspergers as a kid, now I got diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder, depression and ADD. Quit therapy and medication though cause it didn't help me at all. Alcohol seems to be the only thing that makes it a little bit better
>>25038987
>be me, age 18. Had the plan to kill myself if I'm unable to find an apprenticeship
>find one
>three years later, still in education
>classmate who I liked and who sat beneath me all those years doesn't appear to school one morning.
>turns out he killed himself
>he was 18 at that time
>tfw
>be me, 14
>mum's birthday coming up
>staying with my dad over the weekend because my mum was really chill and let him see me as often he wanted
>she also never had another partner during the whole 10 years since leaving him
>buy a nice card for her and a present, mother's day had been only two weeks earlier but I could be a shitty son and wanted to make up for it
>midnight watching a film with my dad, fuck if I can remember
>phone rings
>overdosed and drowned in the bath
>spend the whole week having to organise a fucking funeral while wondering where I'm going to even live
>in the back of my mind the whole time I'm half expecting "it's just a prank bro" or something
>Uncle is like, we should get to the flat and check for a will
>thanks dickhead, nice one trying to jew a 14 year old kid
>cunt also hijacks the service, I manage to get one song for her played but the rest is shit I know she disliked
>go into chapel of rest on day of funeral to see for myself
>see terrifying froglike thing in casket, lips all rubbery and huge, eyes closed, hair tied back which she never did
>cunt friend of mine who until this news had pretty much fallen out with me comes to funeral, I'm so sorry anon she was a great person
worse day of my life, the image of her traumatised me for years
My grades in school dropped majorly, from a top student to barely passing in the end
Lose more and more friends, become increasingly isolated over the years
I still have a few friends but almost never see them
tl;dr blog post
>>25039409
>what's BPD?
I just searched it: Borderline Personality Disorder. You aren't the only one who didn't know what it meant, anon.
>>25038987
When I realized none of my lifelong "friends" wanted to actually hang out with me and had actually done a lot of fun things behind my back
>>25038987
When I realised I could've been a successful normie chad with a pack of friends and a qt gf but I fucked up.
I fucked it all up. It didn't happen at once and at every instance it was me who made the wrong decisions.
Ah well.
>>25039599
You've got friends here anon. Obviously not for the real world activities, but we care about your troubles.
>>25039599
iktf
Except my "friends" liked to taunt me by telling me before doing it.
>>25039599
>You will never be a central character in your social group
>You'll spend your entire life on the outskirts, a fringe member of a better person's entourage
>Nobody will ever really care if you're there or not.
I don't remember desu
Crying myself to sleep because I realized my oneitis doesn't care about me was the last strong one
probably depression/suicidal despair
the highest highs are nowhere near the lowest lows
for example, would you endure one hour of the most hellish pain in return for an hour of the best pleasure? eg, you get set on fire stabbed in the dick with glass have your anus split plus feel deeply depressed suicidal breathing in fire into your lungs and all your organs are exploding whil you watch everyone you love die repeatedly and god comes down and says he hates you and is actually the devil and this pain will never end etc for a hour, and then after that your ody goes right back to normal no damage. for one hour of say nodding on roxies while having sex with the hottest girl and feeling like the happiest most confident attractive person everyone loves you?
I wouldn't do it the pain is too intense and not worht it
>be me
>17, in high school
>work at grocery store
>qt friend works with me, i finally get courage to ask her out
>"d-do you wanna go to a movie on friday night?"
>"Sorry anon, I already made plans with my friends, but maybe Saturday. I'll let you know"
>okey doke
>Friday night comes, I end up going to a movie with my brother
>next morning I found out she was in a car with a drunk driver, and they crashed
>she didn't make it
>cried so hard that day
>still think about her beautiful smile everyday
>>25039550
>>25039550
I know how you feel. My mom died of brain cancer and nightmares still haunts me. I often dream of her in normal, everyday life situation, the problem is I always know she' s not really there or I feel like she's there but her personality, soul and love are gone. Maybe it has to do with her dying losing more and more intelligence and self consciousness as the cancer grew. I cannot see my mother even in dreams...
When I was cheated on after 2 years of a great relationship.
Fuck, I was so mad I was literally shaking.
> Getting rejected by a solid 5/10
> ego deflated by at least 10 chromosomes that day
>>25038987
Guilt.
I fuck everything up for everybody, even if my intentions are good.
i killed a raccoon recently
first furry thing I've murdered
it was with a shovel, and my boot
there was a really intimate moment when our eyes locked, and he accepted his fate. he walked forward towards me, and met his end
the feel is appreciation for his nobility in the face of certain death
im so sorry rocket. you are a great hat
>>25038987
True hate, betrayal, desolation, and love. Mostly the desolation and the fear stemming from that immense loneliness, is what hit me the hardest. Abandonment.
>>25038987
Resigning to the fact that I wouldn't be going back to college for 2+ years and then enrolling in a 1+ year long drug treatment program at a homeless shelter packed with nigger crackheads, all for being a pothead
>tfw I was a white 20 year old from middle class suburbia
>>25041543
Shame and guilt, top, while you're at it. Mother put out a cigarette in my brother's palm, cheated on her boyfriend 2ft away from me, and regularly had alcohol induced drunken raging terrors, usually at me, my brother, and my sister. My sister went into foster care, bouncing from homes, and my dad accepting me and my brother into full custody. My sister is a half sister, so she had no parental ties w my father. Me and my brother have gone thru foster homes before, too. The desolation and abandonment have changed me the most, i think. i dont like getting very intimate and i am extremely reserved, spending most of my time alone, willingly. I dont think its what i want though. But at times i feel it has become my innate nature and that i cannot change it. Personality traits developed during childhood are the strongest.
A truck going 20 mph
>>25039599
Hit the nail on the head with this one
>>25040301
>>25039550
You two, while this is not an objective race or competetion, subjectively have the most to complain and talk about. I cannot imagine losing someone as close to my father, and as he is getting up in his 60s, i often think and shudder at the thought. I hope things get better.
Being raped by a succubus.
Never felt anything like it senpai
>>25038987
love tbqh familiares
>>25038987
the moment when i got hit by a car. the feeling while your body is numb from the shock and you're gasping for even the tiniest bit of air was really exhilirating and fascinating
When I fucking left boot camp after graduation
>>25038987
the first time i came
"you dont have to be nice to everybody you faggot" ...among other things about myself and my family....their issues and problems. my secrets.
said by the person i was orbiting. we knew everything about eachother. she used it all against me in one public chewing out. I wrote the time and date on the back of my watch that night.
it was the day anything i cared about told me to go fuck myself.
the best part- I didnt even need to show up that night- i was just there to offer my friends a DD on my way home from work.
>>25038987
>be me, 12yo
>just came home from the school
>mom is home
>say hello to her, she does not response
>she has that face expression again
>she takes a look on me with her numb eyes
>comes to me and slaps my face
>another hit from the other side
>cheeks burning, she starts to cry
>wtfishappening.png
>three or four hits later her sobs transform in to full blown hysteria
>tears rolling from her red eyes
>sudden scream in hysteria consumed voice
>IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT, ANON, YOUR FAULT!
>starts beating me even faster
>i just stand, accepting hits, my mind is totally confused
>cheeks burn too much, start crying too
>slapping stops, she holds her hand, still sobbing
>obviously her hands hurt her from hitting me
>she rushes to the bedromm and locks the door
>i slowly walk to my room, cheeks burning as fuck
>after few moments i noticed the sudden silence
>decided to check on her
>knocked on the bedroom door
>DON'T EVER FUCKING GET IN MY SIGHT!
>i start crying again
>just sitting alone in my room, crying for a good hour, trying to figure out what i've done so wrong
>father returns from the job
>throws his bag on the floor, goes to the bedroom
>he came out of the bedroom after few minutes
>locked me in my room
>fast forward 15 minutes
>doors unlock
>father silently walks in. i didn't heard anything from him yet
>he sits on my chair, staring at me with some sort of thousand yards stare
>at one moment he gets up and silently beats me
>he locks me again when he's done
>this happens four times more
>fresh bruises on thights, hips and arms
>the feeling of being guilty of something hurts more than any physical pain
WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG? CAN SOMEONE FUCKING TELL ME? WHY DO I REMEMBER THIS EVEN 14 YEARS LATER?! why does it still hurt like it was today?
>>25038987
>Driving on busy road
>Traffic is backed up
>See car stopped
>Woman is consoling 10 y/o kid on side of road
>His dog was just hit by a car
>He is screaming and crying while cradling his dog's lifeless body
>mfw
>>25042701
>3:30am
>banging on the door
>it's my neighbour
>"Sorry anon, I just ran over your cat"
I wished I was dead
>"You're the man of the house now."
>>25042746
one of the worst feels in the world
>>25042613
Your mum lied to your dad about something you did, and he beat the shit out of you because of it.
You remember it because you didn't do anything to deserve it, and that sticks with people. You don't have to let it go.
The hatred I feel against normies right now is incredibly powerful
"You feel so good, Jay..."
-Jay
Don't get laid often so it's nice to hear.
>>25040420
it normal for the feurst kille
i got the same feeling when i was 4
>>25038987
Love towards my ex. Other than that I was kind of pretty alpha before that in the sense that I could make my own happiness. My most recent really strong feel was a dream where an old man told me its good to be percieved by God, and had a yellow bird in his hand with chakra point markings and such.
Probably that feel of eternal failure. Robots shouldn't do acid.
>>25042958
So your name is Jay, and you were fucking someone called Jay, who said 'you feel so good, Jay' to you as you fucked them?
That's weird.
Regards, weirdfrogs.
When I realised my waifu will never be real.
>>25038987
the moment that I realized that I haven't ever truly felt deeply about something was honestly pretty powerful
I'd like to think the way I feel is because of a nihilistic enlightenment.
>>25042613
That sounds awful anon. I hope you don't talk to your parents anymore. They sound fucking terrible.
>>25043105
That's the best part about waifus.
>>25038987
when I realized I would die alone, friendless and without having loved and being loved.
Of course there will be some women here commenting about how it was when chad cheated on her, but they don't really know the suffering of being a man in a world that only cares about women
>>25039599
>stay at home for majority at a time
>finally get on Xbox to play with my friends
>play with friends
>ask what they've been doing
>turns out they have been hanging out at the mall for the passed couple of weeks
>no one ever told me nor asked me
Don't you see it faggots? THIS is a /r9k/-tier thread.
Everything else is just shitpost/memes.
Thanks for posting, the pain in this thread is real.
>>25040391
shit, that's a lot of chromosomes
>>25038987
>tfw all of the people you hang out with start to be shitty except one guy who you keep on chilling with and then after a while he gets boring too so one day you're all sitting down and watching star wars and then one of the people you don't like says greedo shot first in that scene and everyone in the room starts cracking up except you and you realize that you have nothing in common with any of them and feel like shit because they were your childhood friends and you had fun with them but now there's no point in talking to any of them so you burn all your bridges in the hopes of finding better friends but you never find any and deep down you know it's better to try and be better but it still really sucks when it's been more than two years since someone other than family texted you
>>25042613
holy fuck
pls be fake
>>25043241
>>25039599
at least you still have "friends"...
>>25040206
same boat as you. pain is just so much more intense than pleasure
When i lost my virginity to a girl I loved after 20 long years.
>>25038987
the feeling you get when you see how successful a person is and strive to improve your life just to prove you're better than them
>>25042880
but why would she do that?
>>25043147
actualy i do. im 26 now and they're acting like nothing ever happened. and when my resentment comes out, the act hurt and offended
>>25043432
sadly it's real. there's been more of it. the greentext story could be my childhood in nutshell and probably a milestone of my robot transformation.
>>25038987
When I was about to be executed in cold blood. That feeling of helplessness was the fucking worst feel i ever felt in my life and i have lived a shitty life.
>>25043546
one day you have to ask them but for real
like
>FAGGOTS YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME NOW WHAT HAPPENED
while crying
if you really want the answers bring a gun.
they OWE you answers.
>>25038987
>that boiling rage when the one person you cling to loses interest in you
>but you can't show them how angry you are at them without driving them away
>>25039409
In a similar spot though none of the professionals i've talked to even knew what avoidant personality disorder was. Ended up diagnosed with depression, GAD and SAD. I want to go through the ADD tests but the queue is long as fuck and the wellfare system here is already cracking.
>>25043249
this thread gives me power
>>25043629
T B H F A M
I fucking hate how clingy I am, but I just can't stop. Where else am I even supposed to fucking find happiness?
>>25043388
>tfw I can feel this feel coming to me soon
When i realized i let my prime years sail by me, this is as good as it gets and i am to blame for all my problems.
The years of aspirations and hope are lone gone now, this is all i will ever have.
>tfw wish i didn't wake up each morning
The greatest feels are all but forgotten for me now, and the only thing that really moves me nowadays are fleeting things, like seeing the clouds move on a chilly winter day, or witnessing a particularly red sunset.
>>25038987
Hatred that I'd internalized.
I knew an older guy, engineer, who was pretty much the most unemotional cold-hearted dickweed I've ever known. Went to a funeral with him for one of his friends where he spoke and he cried. He's a religious nutcase though, so he was crying because he was 100% convinced his lifelong friend was now burning in hell forever.
It was pretty weird. I try not to pity people but I'll be damned if that didn't make my soul feel heavy.
>>25043932
>He's a religious nutcase though, so he was crying because he was 100% convinced his lifelong friend was now burning in hell forever.
are you sure though? not all religious people think this way
>>25043546
>but why would she do that?
My best guess is that she felt angry that she 'wasted' her oh so special and precious life raising you, and resented you for it. She knew that if she didn't tell your father that you had done something to deserve a beating, he'd either beat or think less of her, and not beat you. So she lied about something you did in order to cover her own ass and you got beaten.
You can't let the feigned amnesia or 'offence' stop you - put it to them as you understood it then, and they will try to explain it away, that's a sign they feel ashamed - treat it like a shark treats the scent of blood in the water. Once they try to justify themselves, keep reminding them that they beat you for absolutely no reason. Your dad will, if he remembers, come out with whatever your mum told him, at which point you may inform him it was all lies.
I accidentally overdosed on stimulants and legit thought I was going to die of a heart attack. I felt more at peace and happy than I ever have, because I thought that it was finally over. The most powerful feel I ever felt was despair when I woke up in the ambulance and realized that I still had to live in this shitty fucking existence.
>reading this thread with elliott smith in the background
fuck...
>second week after moving in to college
>realize I just don't miss high school gf
>don't even want other poon
>don't have any complaints
>just. apathy towards her
>break her heart over the phone
>realize every time I said I loved her I lied
I'm sorry, Steph. I hope you find someone better than me
I remember how I felt realizing my anxiety was literally ruining my life. I was in my first year of college and I had skipped the monday class of a MWF class. It was no big deal, I had skipped days in high school and shit all the time but then I went to go to the Wednesday class and this overwhelming wave of anxiety hit me to the point I spent the next two hours vomiting and couldn't even get down the stairs let alone actually go to the class.
the day I realized that I couldn't possibly relate to the people around me.
they don't have to deal with suicide attempts or being so schizo'd out of your mind that you think you don't even exist. how on earth am I supposed to form relationships with these people? the things we've experienced barely overlap. I've never kissed, had sex, been on a date, gone to a party, had a girlfriend or any friends. I can't and won't ever be able to form a relationship with normies.
good thing I'm schizo though, because I can keep believing that nothing exists and only I can see that.
>be 17
>horny as fuck, experimenting with different ways to masturbate
>get the idea to put something in dick
>hey this feels pretty good
>gradually work size of things up
>had bought these magnetic balls as a curiosity some time before, down the dick they go
>stupid horny, not thinking straight, ram rod them in deeper
>they slip into my bladder
>oh shit, cant get them out
>they sit in there for two days before I get the courage to tell mom why I need to go to the hospital
>she doesn't understand at first
>I can't even speak anymore from the shame
>eventually taken to the hospital, have surgery
>painful catheter for over a month
>parents can't figure me out for a while, blsme themselves
>"where did we go wrong?"
we pretend it never happened now, but that was the strongest soul crushing shame I ever felt. also trying to explain away why I was in the hospital to everyone I knew didn't help, as I was relived the moment when I first told mom everytime.
that was 6 years ago, and the scar still hasn't faded
My mum telling me I was weird and stupid after trying to explain to her depression and why i dropped out of university.
Being on SSRI's and looking at my grandmother waste away to cancer without being able to feel sadness over it, and crying to this memory in present day
Thinking back on how my life up to this point has been a catastrophic mess that I am picking up the pieces of now that I'm back at school scoring A's
>Despair
>This summer
>Dad was shot by an officer
>There was a possibility I was going to be denied financial aid from college again
>had no job
>mfw during the whole summer
It wasn't depression at all, just despair. I had no more faith or hope during that summer. Now I'm fine, but after my dad dying things just kinda changed. He wasn't always there, but after that I felt like now he will always be here with me. Just watching me now. I got my job back, got back into school, and did well this semester. Thank god it's over but I pray I never experience despair ever again.
A few days after my mom died.
>still numb over it
>she was my only living family
>cleaning out the fridge and freezer at her place while I get ready to move in
>suddenly it hits me that I'm completely and totally alone for the first time in my life
>just break down and cry
Realizing after dating many girls over a few years that love is a sham and I will never be content in any relationship.
And at the same time I still need a relationship to not feel lonely even though I have friends.
Grass is always greener.
>>25038987
I let a friend drive home drunk when he gave me his keys.
>he hit a tree and died.
>I'll never forget his mothers face...
>>25038987
independent thought is not indicative of free will
>>25046947
Fuck. I feel this too hard
>>25038987
>turn 18 and life is still pretty shit
>drink too much, friends are basically just assholes who feed of my anxieties, end of school is breathing down my neck
>still hopeful for some reason that things work out
>my terrible acne from years before resurfaces and nearly drives me nuts
>still think things are going to work out
>marks in school go down the drain as I lose motivation to live every day
>parents now outright call me out for being a useless piece of shit frequently
>but I still have some passion for my hobbies left in me
>doctor calls me one day and says he wants to talk to me
>surprised because I just made some checkup at his place
>arrive there and everyone is super serious
>doctor hands me a stack of papers and says I have cancer, everything is already set up at the hospital and I will spend this year in treatment
>cant compute this feel back then
>pretty much in shock at that point and just follow the procedure
>doctor at hospital basically tells me I am probably about to lose tons of functionallity in my body and go through chemo eventually, after I get a surgery
>rest of treatment is like a feverish dream
>spend the year in some mind-absent mode where I try to manage my sickness and still finish school
>still no room to feel back then
>summer comes around
>school is over and I am actually mildly happy that summer break approaches like the idiot I am
>the pent up feels hit me like a ton of bricks after the first week
>spend one month straight drinking myself into stupor, waking up in agony and lying in bed for 15 hours a day
>the worst depression I have ever witnessed, it even manifested physically, feeling like an insufferable pressure in the chest all day
>felt so hard every feel nowadays pales in comparison by default
Life is just not the same after that.
I even developed masochistic tendencies, because getting fucked over by life is the only thing that makes me see colours in the world.
Talking with my dad as he died of terminal cancer.
Before that, death was a mere abstraction, even when I had had a brief scare over a colonoscopy. It's just different now. It's been a year and a half and I'm still barely processing the idea of mortality.
We just ... end. No pity, no afterlife, too soon, and desperately trying to hold on to an agonizing torturous flicker of existence.
