I'm so afraid of rejection or hostility that I isolate myself to an autistic degree even when I'm around other people, where I avoid them when I can and kill any attempts at conversation due to fear of sharing any of my personal experiences , beliefs or interests and being attacked for them.
People view me as shifty / up to no good so they project all kinds of things onto me. If I mess up or forget something at work it's viewed as intentionally cheating the workplace.
One of the worst enemployees who later got fired for poor performance had a mini crusade were he went over my work to keep me accountable, and reported me incessantly.
I've been openly bullied/ heckled by a number of people at work because they don't like me and know I'm afraid of confrontation.
One person messed with my pay cheques and basically defrauded me for months because they knew that even though I knew I would just accept it.
By trying to avoid hostility and bullying and being viewed as weird I've become a singular object of hatred for people in my work and personal life. In high school people bullied me when I talked or contributed and I'm trying to avoid that same thing but they're attacking me for it.
When I try to be normal and do the usual things in a formulaic canned way people react with hostility anyway.
I have rasputin eyes and my default expression is to look disgusted, plus my ugly so people are repulsed by me right away.
Damned if I do, Damned if I don't. I don't know what's left for me at this point.
Whenever I'm afraid of something my attempts to avoid that something make it happen. I'm fucking confused.
I haven't left the house in a couple weeks and I'm terrified of doing so. I can feel people staring at me . When I went to the gym I saw a couple people give me those stares reserved for the bizarre , for the retards , the schizphrenics, the babbling homeless.
Everywhere I go people stare. Every one I know for any period of time hates me and I never say or do anything. I just keep to myself and immediately go somewhere to be alone at the first opportunity so they won't abuse me, but they all turn nasty after awhile. They all become openly hostile.
As a teebager I stayed with a relative I had never met with one of my parents and within the first week she flipped out at me and started yelling at me when I pulled some of my dried clothes from the dryer before they were folded. It was clear that was just the catalyst , an excuse to vent her obvious dislike for me.
She later said "He's not normal."
How can I exist in society like this? Its only going to get worse.
When I went on a plane at 16 two guys turned around in their seats and took turns spitting at me in the face. My father was just a couple seats away. For the longest time I pretended it was a dream, I imagined it but that was just a defense mechanism.
I'll be hunted and abused for the rest of my life and people will think I deserve it because I'm a freak or they view me as the monster undeserving of basic human respect.
What the the fuck do I do? Anyone?
>>29957977
If I were you I'd think about joining a commune, some place with its own social norms that include acceptance and a focus on community. You're stuck in a downward spiral of low self-esteem and disengagement. If you somehow magically had a healthy sense of self-esteem you could probably present yourself well enough to get by even if you're ugly, but it's a catch-22 because you come off so badly that people seem to hate you and you never develop that self-esteem in the first place. There's got to be some place on this earth that you can find people who will accept you, though, the trick is just to find out where and hope you have enough resources to get you there.
>>29959077
>>29959077
Are you autistic? I'm autistic and have had a similar story
A lot of it is posture, learn to not look afraid so you aren't a target. It's way more about weakness than being 'strange'
Listen to me, go to the gym every single day. Don't even ,look at the other people and if they talk shit, it's their defense mechanism so that you don't do that, don't let them, turn it into anger, maybe get a scar across your face
Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn't work out the way I wanted to.
I get real frustrated and I try hard to do it and I take my time and it doesn't work out the way I wanted to.
It's like I concentrate real hard and it doesn't work out.
Everything I do and everything I try never turns out.
It's like I need time to figure these things out.
But there's always someone there going.
Hey Mike:
You know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately.
You know, maybe you should get away and maybe you should talk about it, maybe you'll feel a lot better
And I go:
No it's okay, you know I'll figure it out, just leave me alone I'll figure it out.
You know I'll just work by myself.
And they go:
Well you know if you want to talk about it I'll be here you know and you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it.
And I go:
No I don't want to I'm okay, I'll figure it out myself and they just keep bugging me and they just keep bugging me and it builds up inside.
>>29959253
Here you are, talking about it. Now what?
>>29959253
Maybe they have a point. Why do you turn them down? I understand that it must be hard to trust others, but if they're well-intentioned and sincere then maybe it's worth trying.
>>29958416
>When I went on a plane at 16 two guys turned around in their seats and took turns spitting at me in the face.
wtf? this cant be real.
this is an opportunity for major flight attendant comeuppance. you could have rung the bell and been upgraded to first.
>>29959077
i think you know what to do. get /fit/. squat heavy 3 times a week, dl heavy twice a week.
one thing is clear: you cannot keep living like this.
>>29959238
Diagnosed burgers at 15, yes
>>29959286
>>29959388
>>29959198
these are typical high school bs responses by people who have never experienced depression.
talking about it at this point won't help,
the only thing that will catalyze change at this point is action
>>29959496
>Diagnosed burgers at 15, yes
Have you gotten any therapy/counseling to learn how to cope with your autism and function socially?
>>29959540
No, I probably should. I finally went and got anti-depressants recently though.
>>29959449
It happened at a movie theatre as a teenager once too. A girl tried taking my seat when I was sitting in the front row so she could sit next to a friend of hers as the movie was starting. I refused because I was sitting next to the person I was with so she just began spitting in my face repeatedly. The person I was with called the manager and they were kicked out.
Being the creepy weirdo is a little bit like being a black guy in the way being a black male is portrayed in the media.
When something happens , everything falls on you. You're the fall guy, the scapegoat and you're assumed to be the malicious party be5caise you're weird and the other person is ostensibly normal and moral.
If people abuse you, nothing happens, but if you retaliate the full weight of society comes down on you in that person's defense.
It could be ostracism or legal. Everything you do is scrutinized and mangified through a lens that requires the utmost carefulness because people feel uneasy around you, and in a sense, they're looking for a reason to rationalize that feeling. They think of you as less than human anyway.
