I want to stop being a worthless piece of garbage. I want to quit my job because I don't want to continue feeling the shame of everyone I work with knowing me as the awkward, scatterbrained, clumsy, and incompetent guy. I want to start over somewhere else, but I figure that things would quickly become the same, if not worse. But even if I could escape that feeling in my work, my family would still think of me this way, but really even that doesn't matter so much. Really, more than anything I hate knowing that I am this way.
I want to be someone that does not feel such unending, bitter self-hatred and such disgust directed inwardly. I hate being incompetent at simple tasks. I hate failing so miserably to do anything important to me. I hate being what I am. I hate being a consciousness trapped within such a horrible mind and body. I just want to escape myself.
In moments of depersonalization during the day, especially at work when I am surrounded by people, I feel this most strongly. How terrible it is that I'm trapped as myself. I so often feel myself wishing, when I am laying in bed, not wanting to live, that I could just drift invisibly as a silent and invisible observer and maybe be no one at all, so then I wouldn't have to feel such shame and embarrassment and remorse for living and continuing to live. I wouldn't have to feel the desire to apologize to everyone; though, it is far beyond duty to other people and more a deep disappointment in myself. I have always been almost nothing at all anyway, and I've never truly been a part of anything, either, so it would be an ideal and logical progression.
I think sometimes that also I would like to be someone that does not hate themselves or feel so constantly ashamed for living, or even maybe is respected and liked and close to other people and able to relate to them, but somehow this is more difficult to imagine.
The reason you feel like this is you don't fit in socially. Your mind probably isn't horrible or your body. You just don't fit in. I'm not sure what the solution is to these feelings though.
Assuming you have to work, maybe you could write on the side. Just to give yourself something to think about and distract from the negative thoughts when at the job. Fictional worlds can be quite useful in that sense.
>>29554600
>You just don't fit in.
I certainly feel like I can't relate to anyone else, even though it seems absurd to me that I still haven't found anyone who I can relate to when there are so many people in the world and I feel myself to be decidedly mediocre.
>Writing
Family members have commented that I have always liked worldbuilding and coming up with stories and games since I was young, and this has always been on my mind, but for a long time I've never been able to focus working on anything for long before I give up because all I've been able to write consistently for years is about how much I hate myself and how miserable and lonely I am and other self-pity bullshit etc., and so it's only been a nagging feeling, like, "I know I should be creating something right now, I should be writing something right now, but I just do not have the energy or will, and I am certain that I will feel awful afterwards when I am frustrated that everything I come up with is dissatisfying."
>>29554307
I feel exactly like this. Especially feeling like an incompetent fool at work, being so forgetful and mixing up details. I often wonder if I'm just worse than everyone else, or if the job isn't a good match for me; like, instead of something menial where you have to keep track of stock inventory, I would do better in a job which requires deep thinking and complex planning.
And I can't relate to anyone, either. I'd be for both of us, this problem of not fitting in would be alleviated by working jobs more suited to us, and, assuming those jobs aren't menial and require some kind of skill, our coworkers would share our skills or passions or interests, due to the specific and exclusive nature of the job. It would further be alleviated because if we weren't depressed over sucking at our jobs, socializing wouldn't be so hard in the first place
society is based on the lowest common denominator
there is nothing wrong with your life
>>29556524
That's hardly any consolation when you, yourself, feel like the lowest common denominator because you have such trouble doing simple tasks at work--work that's meant to be done by dumb people.
For example, I worked a day on a supplement production line, bottling gummy vitamins. The work was simply to keep three hoppers filled with bottles, lids, and gummies, and you would think it'd be hard to fuck that up, but lo, I ended up spilling a huge load of gummies on the floor.
Of course, it was my first time getting acquainted with the machinery, but it's something like that that makes you feel like a hopeless idiot. And it's never one incident. It's lots of small recurring things that reinforce your beliefs about yourself.
>>29556664
>And it's never one incident. It's lots of small recurring things that reinforce your beliefs about yourself.
This is very much the case. Working as a cashier and dealing with people all day, I embarrass myself constantly with every detail of every interaction, frequently encountering things I either never learned how to handle or forgot how to handle and having people getting angry at me and feeling like an idiot when I inevitably screw up. No matter how much the managers tell me to, I can't stop rushing myself to get the customers through my line quickly, and I end up messing up when handling the money at least once per day, resulting in losing some of the money, and even after a long day of miserable hard work, I have to pay out of my own pocket for my stupid mistake to make the total in the register right. It is absolute hell that I subject myself to because, as I said in the OP, I am too weak to attempt working anywhere else for fear that it would just be the same or worse.
