Hello /r9k/ I am a frequent lurker and occasional poster on this board, first of all I'd like to start off with who I am. I am 19 years old, I live in Australia, I wageslave at Target, I am 5"11' - 6" not so sure, I have no mental illnesses or have ever have that checked, I am a Virgin (like most of you).
I finally realized something today.
>People laugh at me and think I am weird
Back in highschool, I was known as the weird and quiet kid in class, I never talked much or only to some ""friends"" and even then I did not care much. I didnt care what people think since I thought:
>once I am an adult things will get better
At highschool I would frequently try to make autistic comments and be loud with my ""friends"", they would laugh AT me, but for me it was better than trying to talk and to have no one listen, it was some well needed attention for me a reminder people knew that I existed, whether they thought i was autistic or not, whether they hated me or not. It was better than being invisible.
Fast forward to university.
> Studying IT and mathematics at UTS
I joined the computer club and would frequent it to play games and all that, I tried talking and thought I had ""friends"" I would hang out with them and like highschool I tend to make outrageous comments and just be happy that people were laughing at me, at nights out I would get flat out drunk drinking 2/3 of a bottle of vodka and just talking in gibberish, they would laugh at me and they would smile back happy again that they knew I was there. I even had the courage to ask out a girl I liked who I met through my """"""""""""""""""""""""best""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" ""friend"", I fucked up my friend then right away was dating her after it shattered me, I was frustrated, angry, at night I would literately lie in fetal position and cry, looking for a reason to live or wondering what I am doing wrong. I am not obnoxiously ugly or anything. I justed wanted to be normal.
>cont.
By then I figured out that I felt like an empty, hollow, stale being I longed for something to love or to be loved back but how???
I am weird
My english isnt that great (from holland by the way)
I have a weird accent
I look funny
I went through a spiral of depression, and have been insecure since.
I dropped out of UTS to pursue a course in economics as that was my ""true"" passion
I was at Macquarie now, I changed my mindset, I said to myself I didnt want to be weird, I wanted to be appreciated for what and who I am. I want to have a meaningful existence or something. That was when I started browsing r9k reading about women, people, normies chads, robots, beta, alpha. It suited my personality
I was different in Macquarie.
>no outrageous comments
>no spouting memes
>no clubs
>just remain cool calm and collected and maybe something will happen
Or so I thought
Whilst my outbursts of autism and memes helped me have a little bit of human attention, now I had none.
I was just "there" I had a few people whom I talked to, but by no means I would call them friends, I was there trying to find a passion or something that will fill me up, make life meaningful.
But no it just got worse, I just was miserable, I started skipping classes and I would eventually drop out.
Now all that is left for me at the moment is to wageslave at Target for the time being, it helps customers notice you, there are people to talk to and it is a generally nice workplace. It gives me that bit of attention that will make me feel appreciated.
But yes they do laugh at me or think I am weird, I am just there, making some money and hoping that I will die young.
I picked up smoking because of that. So I can die young and dont have to see myself get worse as I age.
I think everyday about death
whether god is real
whether life has meaning
whether there will ever be a time in my life where I could be "happy"
I want to die and that is all.
Before you give me the advice of
>your only 19
Fuck off
I created this trip just for this thread to keep track of it (if it gets any replies) might use it sometimes in the future but other than that fuck tripfagging
Its ok anon, just b urself
>>29483134
>picked up smoking to die young
>possibly the slowest way to die
>>29483400
I cant bring myself to kill myself, the last thing is to see my family and my little brother falling apart
