Shit's pretty fucked up, anon. I just don't know what to do. I'm losing myself.
The whole story?
Well shit, I'll be drunk in an hour so I'm probably gonna spill it out to you anyway.
Two years ago, my life was pretty much planned out and on track. I was into programming, prepared myself for electric engineering college. Things were pretty chill, I was slightly depressed, but I still had friends, sometimes a girl, I was getting drunk every other weekend and smoked weed every few months.
That's when I met her. She was the outlaw/thug kind of girl, very energetic, charismatic and wonderful. People often didn't think she was pretty, but to me she was the most beautiful woman on this world.
While I was with her, everything made sense, I had motivation to do something more with my life every day - which was good until I decided to find a job after high school so we could live together alone. It was all a good plan, but too far-fetched to be properly executed.
Long story short, she got hooked on heroin (or so she said) and became a compulsive liar. It wasn't all that bad, I wanted to help her, but then she cheated on me with her dealer. I was fucking broken. A year-long relationship with me, all the things we went through, places we traveled - all thrown away for a heroin dealer she barely knew?
I was fucking broken. I broke up with her, and thought how I'll be better off. I suffered bad breakups before, I'll survive now - so I thought.
Few weeks later a friend of mine told me he has a great batch of LSD and he offered me to take it with him. I gladly accepted the offer, and we had a really nice, mild trip the whole night.
Eventually I got more and more into the drug scene, did acid, did mdma a few times and eventually got hooked on speed. It was a wonderful experience, but eventually it made my everyday life more depressing than ever.
>>29303368
Now I've quit everything the world seems so empty and worthless. There's nothing out there which could make me excited. My math skills have deteriorated, I haven't done any programming for more than a year, I'm socially isolated and can't keep in touch with a girl enough to get a new relationship - and frankly I don't even want to.
I just want to die anon. I see no point in going on.
I'm sorry for blogging but I really needed to vent this shit out of me.
Its weird how sometimes it hurts more to lose something than to never have it in the first place. At least when I was a kissless loser kid I wasn't aware of myself an I thought things are supposed to be that way. At least I had the education part figured out for me until now. I fucked up everything.
>>29303431
[cont.]
I'm so fucking bored that I'm installing Windows 98 on a VirtualBox version 5. This shit is slow as shit. I can't even install Win98 properly for fuck's sake.
I'm officially a NEET now that I'm unemployed, and every day that passes I lose remains of the hope that I'll ever find a good enough job to pay for rent, food and internetz. I'm living as a parasite in my grandma's house because I had a huge huge fight with my father and don't want to get back. I just want to get out. Fuck me.
>>29303368
>>29303368
Yeah not going to read the whole. If you think women will bring you happiness, you've got a long way to go
>>29303550
I don't "think" that women will bring me happiness, woman HAS ALREADY brought me happiness - for a year, I was the happiest man alive - all the people I know commented my mood.
It's just that when she's gone, it sucks.
>>29304035
>when she's gone, it sucks
Nigga thats what im talking about. You rely on her, you're dependant. You're not actually happy
>trusting outlaw/thug girls
You had this coming dumbass
>Went to psychiatrist for the first time today
>Told him everything
>Switches me off my SSRI (which I did not like)
>Onto Abilify
>Says I'm OCD/Bipolar
I don't agree with the Bipolar part and am scared to take an antipsychotic, but I will go through with it.
>>29303368
How long were you addicted to speed. I'm currently addicted, and sober life is already flatter than ever before. Music sounds slow and lifeless. Energy levels at an all time low, when not on it.
My fucking cunt mother is a fat pig who thinks that feeding a pig grass will make them any less of a pig.
Can't eat anything because she will snork her lard ass over and start feeding.
Then she blames me for her being fat. If I wasn't around she would be skinny. Fuck that bitch. I lost 30 pounds by rejecting her meals and exercising why cant she?
She also thinks getting plastic surgery changes her. A pig with makeup on is always a fucking pig
>>29304163
What's your story anon?
>>29304222
Not really long, few months only, but spent a fortune on that shit and on benzos. I really didn't like the comedowns so I always took a xanax after a binge to get a good nights sleep.
I haven't done anything for 10 days now. The comedown is long over, but since I don't wanna smoke weed (it makes me even more depressed in long-term) I'm still tired as shit and don't feel pleasure from anything. Can't even jack off now, sasha grey is as interesting to me as a plain brick wall.
However, your brain usually fully recovers from speed after 3-6 months, depending on how long you've been using an how often.
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/461215-Amphetamine-The-Drug-You-Learn-to-Hate
This is a nice article about amphetamines that I've read. Good luck with your battle anon
I'm sick of the fucking media blaming guns as the source of the problems.
I want to fuck my 16 year old coworker even though I am 21 and skinny and not the best looking, but neither is she. She is my only contact with single females , I want to fuck her but my friends work at my job and they will find out so if she says no then they will ostracized me.
i am most of the time mad,
there is only that thing that i feel, the rage. I can fake pretty well but when iam at home my parents( i am at the college and i make them think i am socia lbutterfly that fucks a lot of girls) i just flip and i am even more on the edge mostly when my parents start asking question about my life, scchool related it is going good for me till now but i do not know how i will keep going.
i think this is soo called virgin rage, the problem is that rage is the only thing i feel, along with emptiness.
op about your programming skills, currently i am taking a programming degree and the only advice i can give is practive that shit one-two hours a day.
pick some easy questions about something you are doing or want to do and go improve everytime a little. do not push too hard and you will be tired of it quick enough.
>>29304922
I know how you feel. I feel like getting laid would relieve it but I actually love the anger, it fuels my imagination, and I'm not going to ever hurt anyone.
These are normie problems. That sucks though.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s07BZmVCgRSB
I am too slightly drunk and lazy to type it out so here's a vocaroo.
>>29304949
yeah i fuking like it too, it is better than the emptiness at least, it also fuels my thinking too.
the problem is that if any time i would get fit i will fuking destroy everyone who shits on me. i will be a caveman, i can restrain myself with the premise of being beaten to death but without that i do not know what it is holding me back
>>29305035
>http://vocaroo.com/i/s07BZmVCgRSB
op
do what i suggest if you want to improve your prog and math skills.
and try to track down the girl if yo uwant. post some info or some picture if you want. we can all help you out, i do not have anything betterto do.
>>29305145
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About that girl, I'm still friends with her, it's just that we're not really that close. I don't want her to suffer. I guess I still kinda love her.
