How you robots holding up? You got anything you want to get off your chest? No discrimination or "stop whining" here, just say what's on your mind.
>>29242323
Just feel like ending it desu senpai. Can only take so much.
Everyone round here seems to get laid apart from one guy who tries hard to be normie but is just a prick. Like you'll ask him if he's seen a show and he'll snap "ITS SHIT ITS SHIT OMG" and start ranting. Don't really need that, I don't do it to him so don't do it to me.
Had a friend send a message on Xbox saying we should meet up and do i have a number. Sent it to him and he hasn't texted me at all 3 weeks later. Makes me angry at him and fucks my head up. Thanks guy.
Everything is just bad now. So utterly, utterly bad.
>>29242323
back to work in 11 hours, I really want to put a bullet in my head. I don't know how people do this until they're 65. I'm only 30 and can't stand it. I'm nervous and anxious all the time having to put up with people. I just want to stay home and hide, but I fell for the education meme and now I'm too "normal" to ever get neetbux.
I just want to go to sleep and never wake up
Been taking Lexapro for about a month now. The week before I started the pills, I was really close to hanging myself, at my preferred spot with the rope tied and all. A jogger ran by and startled me (he didn't see me though), I just kind of snapped out of it, smoked a few cigs and went home. I guess I feel a bit more stable now that I'm on the meds. Still empty, meaningless and somewhat suicidal, but less intensely. I hope at least you all make it in case I don't, familia.
>first oneitis in years
>it is a guy
>i've never been gay before
>he is straight
why
>>29242323
My friend posted a really unflattering photo of me to Instagram and my insecurities are coming back. I feel like the ugliest, creepiest guy ever :(
>>29242323
Feeling like shit famalam.
Recently got hired as a security guard for a gated community in SoCal. I only work graveyard so interaction with people is minimal but when I do, I feel I fucked up and that feeling haunts me.
As of late this feeling just keeps assailing me and I can't get it out of my head. I desire to be an artist but my motivation waxes and wanes. I've been trying to build up a habit but to no avail. I feel overwhelmed with everything going on in my life.
I'm socially retarded, poor (bordering homelessness), depressed, and anxious. I want to get my shit together. I really do. Thinking of going to see a psychiatrist for my depression and anxiety.
>>29242472
Whats your job family
this is an origgino commineintiot
>>29242323
Badly.
Shits been shitty lately.
I usually try to keep things under control, but it hasn't gone so well. Last week, I sperged out playEDH, and in don't think I'll be going back. That was the first time playing in over a month, and I Wasn't invited this week. Mostly found out on accident from the only person I talk to semi regularly.
I was supposed to visit my parents some time this week, but haven't. My dad is sick with an artery problem, and I think he has or is getting surgery soon. When I woke up, I had check which day was father's day, and I was relieved it was next week because it was like 6pm already.
I haven't even showered in over a week. I usually force myself to take one on Saturday because I usually try to find an excuse to go do something, but I haven't. I've just been in my apartment doing mostly nothing. The only time I left was to eat, and I binged hard because fuck everything. Haven't eaten since then, which was about 1am, and I've been trying to get myself up to go get food for the last hour and a half.
On top of all that, I have to go the dentist tomorrow without insurance to fix a filling that I can't afford.
>how much should I blame my family and my upbringing?
>What is the disease pathology and what is pure laziness and ignorance?
>does the shit that happened to me excuse the fact that I was a shit person?
>Reuptake inhibitors helped a little for a while, but ultimately failed, am I obligated to explore every variant and endure the fucked up things they do to my personality and brain chemistry before I give up?
>how can I establish criteria for a point of hopelessness beyond which I should kill myself?
I'm almost 40.
i feel like depression is mostly a minor mental problem coupled with a genetic vulnerability and disposition toward sadness and hopelessness.
>>29242472
same here man. I'm almost 25 and it's getting tougher every year. It's like, I'm actually supposed to be something by now. and I actually want to go backwards into nonexistence
>>29242472
I hate this feel.
>NEET, people shit on you for not having a job. No money.
>Work, work but some people have it easy mode.
>Hate it when people say be positive. Nope someone always wants to shit on you for no reason.
Seems as though everyday gets so much worse. 26 very soon.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6g0DlYpAnA
>>29242323
I'm not holding up well. My life is a fucking wreck and I just want to kill myself
>>29242598
Good idea senpai. I really hope therapy and meds will help you.
Will be over soon. Just waiting for e3 so this is probably the last week
>>29242426
seek enlightenment instead of comparison, fuccboi
>>29242472
really examine a career or job or location change
>>29242491
It may never get better, sir. if it doesn't, plan your hanging better.
>>29242510
try some gay stuff, put stuff in your butt, go meet other gays and figure yourself out
>>29242522
Fucking wow, life is hard
>>29242598
isolating doesn't help you to be inspired and understood, look for other social misfits--no idea how: support groups?
>NEET
>games are to boring
>afraid of phone talking so I still have no 450 yuro job
just sitting in front of my pc and waste my lifetime
>>29242472
Same 24 and worked full time exactly a year. What really fucks me up is that it's a great job and life on paper, but I can't stand sitting at the computer all day.
It's a soulless existence. I don't wish to die, but I do wish to have never been born. I know it's edgy, I'm just completely miserable.
>>29242832
I can agree a bit.
I think it's been exacerbated by technology (since the industrial revolution) and it's impact on social, political, community and family engagement.
Euthanasia when, my brother?
I've been having more moments lately, where I think that if this thought and feeling were continual, I would kill myself out of desperation. I haven't been able to understand suicide before, but now I think I can grasp it.
And I'm still scared of death. I want life to end but I want the next life to begin. But if Christianity is true, I need to bear my cross dutifully and live out my life before I can pass on and be free from my pain. I'm obsessed with making sure that what I believe has to be true, so I'm stuck in perpetual agnosticism about it all.
I have OCD and digestive problems and I am in constant fear of everything, but particularly vomiting. It consumes me and I can't get rid of it. I can barely eat sometimes. I will stare into the cupboard for tens of minutes on end, and maybe if I do manage to find something to eat, I'll take it out and have to go and wash my hands for minutes on end, or maybe I'll try and grab a fork or spoon to eat it but it will have some kind of blemish on it, and my muscles give way and I just give up.
hilarious things people say to me
>your mental health is important
LOL I have literally never in my life been mentally healthy. fuck that.
>stop starving yourself. be kind to your body
again LOL my body has given me nothing but grief and pain I will subject it to as much abuse as I want
>have quarterly review with boss this past friday
>"Anon-kun, I see how hard you've been working. Have you scheduled any vacation time for this summer?"
>"Haven't gotten around to it to be honest. I really need to get on that."
>"You really should. We're giving you new responsibilities and I really want you to be able to go into this next year feeling refreshed. I'm a bit worried about your work/life balance. Remember, you have to make time for myself."
>"Of course. And I really do try. To be frank though, it's been a struggle. I'm not really sure what I enjoy anymore, you know? There isn't really anything that leaves me feeling rejuvenated or rested. I'm actually a little worried as to if I even can get that kind of joy out of things anymore..."
>stares at me blankly in silence for a few seconds
>sighs
>"....I know exactly what you mean..."
Don't think I realized how depressed I was until that moment of quiet understanding.
>>29243179
abuse your body to shit. this life is hell and suffering is the path to truth
I'm just trying to understand why I haven't killed myself
Got $100,000 in the bank from a combination of wageslaving and inheritance. Could easily concoct some suicide method but I keep slaving away. I have no excuses at this point
>>29243120
>But if Christianity is true, I need to bear my cross dutifully and live out my life before I can pass on and be free from my pain
I believe that heaven and hell are states of mind. We are in hell right now, but I think we've all experienced heaven at some point.
I think being sedentary is the root cause of our problems and personal hell. I imagined what I would do if I won the lottery and I would do yoga and light exercise all day. When I do that on the weekends it's the only time I feel content.
I'm at the last chapter of this shit
I keep having breakdowns every single night and it won't get any better, "getting help" got me nowhere
The only girl I share any intimacy with doesn't give a single shit about me, nor does anyone else for that matter
I'm quivering in my chair with my knees to my chest, all I want is to fucking hang myself already
>>29242793
I'm 22 and at pretty much the same place.
When I was 10-12, I would take motion sickness pills to sleep all weekend. Wake up, take another, back to sleep. The first time I took a whole bunch of drugs in an effort to lose myself, I was 13.
A decade ago. Holy shit. I have been scooting along as a bottomfeeder for a whole decade.
I literally don't experience pleasure any more. I don't listen to music, I don't watch movies or tv shows, I can't finish a fucking book.
I just exist. And look at the Internet.
I feel like a retard, I used to work in Mcdonalds for 3 years after dropping out of school, got promoted and shit, had my own place, got myself in debt for smoking weed, lost my house, got diagnosed with adhd, and then a criminal record for assault haven't had a job since and sponge off girlfriend who I don't even know if I want to be with because im only 21 and want to try to fuck other girls which I would if I tried get maybe 1 girl a year.
>>29243179
Yeeeeeeeee
I cut and I'm anorexic because I love the feeling of being so hungry I might faint and can't think straight
>>29242640
sit at a computer all day
>>29243076
same, it drains me and turns my mind to mush. I come home every day a zombie. what makes it worse is I come home to an empty house. no one has ever loved me and no one ever will, I have no friends and my family is all dead except for an uncle and some deadbeat cousins that I don't give a shit about
>>29243209
I think this is what's going on with me. I don't think I have clinical depression, like lie in bed for days "the world is just blackness" kinda shit or anything, but there is just this constant haze of numbness. Like my capacity for joy is diminished.
That's still a type of depression, right? I really don't know. I've just felt that way for so long that I can't tell if it's normal or not.
>>29243323
what is the answer, friend?'
>>29243229
travel, for work or educational purposes: money is for spending
>>29243239
follow the road down martial arts to Buddhism or other Eastern Mysticism, find something you like and make it a lifestyle
>>29243387
You're a burnout and like me you need to change your reward system: books, art, exercise--something
>>29243209
shit: anhedonia
at least realization is a key to change
I was sexually abused for seven years. I let it happen and even encouraged it so my brother wouldn't be a target. Pretty sure that's at least 95% of the reason why I'm fucked up and pathetic. Feeling bad because the fucker who did it left another voice message earlier today after a month of no calls. He doesn't call often anymore, but it's bad feels when he does.
I live in a crappy little apartment. All the furniture is shit I found on curbs. I haven't raised the black-out curtains myself for three years, my brother does when he visits. I used to love painting but I don't even doodled in years. The only reason I don't have just two sets of clothes is because my brother. If I didn't smell like dirty laundry and didn't look like I just watched someone die all the time(someone said that once) I know I'd be attractive. If I put a lot of effort I could be a trap. But sex disgusts me. I felt queasy and dirty the few times I tried making out with people, even ran off to dry-heave after making out with the one guy I tried. I hate anybody who flirts me no matter how nice they are, I'd peel my face off and trade it with anybody here if I could. I used to fantasize about burning myself before I moved out on my own so I wouldn't be 'pretty' anymore.
Called my brother and made a bullshit excuse for him not to come over, I've been sperging all day over the voice mail and he already keeps trying to get me to see a shrink. He doesn't know I was molested, he thinks I'm just mentally ill and an alcoholic. He might stop by anyway so I'm trying not to drink too much just in case. I love him so much and I'd do every disgusting thing I did again to keep him safe, but sometimes I want to yell at him when he tries to help. I want to rot in peace. I have freaked out on him in the past but he always forgives me. I live vicariously through his success and happiness.
Talking about everything you hate is kind of addictive, isn't it? And I hate a lot.
>>29243536
What do you mean "change my rewards system"? I don't enjoy anything. Nothing is rewarding.
>Being depressed for 6 months
>Then being normal or very happy for like 9 months
>Being depressed again without reason
>Tried to kill myself and fail
>Then being normal and "happy" again w/ no problems
>Waiting to be depressed again
>My parents decide to change my doctor so now I don't take medication
>I've been waiting for like 2 months for a new doctor
I'm really fucked up and I'm still waiting for help, I don't want to have depression again. I was diargnosticated with bipolar disorder, but now idk because my parents said that I have to wait until I see an another doctor: "What if is another thing, darling?"
>>29243555
You were dealt a shit hand.
no one should criticize you if you chose to kill yourself.
>>29242323
Ive been severely depressed for the past 4 years. I used to be heavily addicted to meth at a young age a think that it might have fucked up the dopamine receptors in my brain. I started lifting weights after I got clean, fell in love with the gym because it was the only that made me feel okay. Now I feel as though Im just using the gym like I used drugs, to self medicate my depression. I thought having a nice body and getting a gf would make me happy, instead im just dragging her into my sad chemically unbalanced world. Its not fair to her.
I dont have any reason to be depressed, my life is great if youre looking in from the outside but in my head suicide seems like the only certanty in life. When im lifting, i feel fine but thats always why I spend 3-4 hours a day at the gym to lessen the chance of my killing myself.
I really want to fix this without drugs but its starting to seem impossible.
>>29243536
>what is the answer, friend?'
My existence is constant torment, I have to die
>>29243589
find something healthy that you can look forward to:
possible examples
>sports/martial arts/exercise
>learning about history/philosophy
>writing fiction/poetry/autobiography
>paint, draw
>go camping/travel
you can think of something better for yourself
>>29243555
it sounds like you saved your brother. that's more than a lot of us have ever done. after what you went through, it makes sense you're depressed, but try not to hate yourself because you don't deserve to.
you may be someone that benefits from therapy. not sure how difficult that would be to get but looking into your options could be worth it.
>>29243665
You literally wrote a list of the shit I try to do, and end up not enjoying due to extreme anxiety, intrusive thoughts, etc, having rage fits because I am failing, and cutting myself.
>>29243613
make a plan and carry it out
https://www.peacefulpillhandbook.com/
>>29243720
then it seems you will never enjoy your life.
see>>29243723
and be earnest in your planning.
>>29243723
a plan for what?
what's that website?
I've completely lost control. Been waiting for a therapist for over two months now. Had to return home from university and apply to have my course delayed because I pretty much stopped existing, I wouldn't eat or leave my room. The only reason I eat at home is because my mother cooks a meal and guilt trips me every time I see her and haven't eaten enough meals. I know she's doing it for my own good but it's so painful and I always feel so disgustingly fat. I can't motivate myself to do much any more and I can't really talk to anyone about anything. Just want to die honestly.
>>29243387
wow, I'm 24 and I feel that.
I used to be in a bad rut as well, taking drugs and watching the same tv shows over and over because it gave me comfort that I could predict what would happen and analyze minutiae endlessly.
I hope you're not taking motion sickness pills that much anymore, they are in a category of drugs you should take recreationally only once a month, kinda like dxm, acid, or ecstasy
how is your sleep pattern? that's one thing you can work on. when is the last time you went to the doctor? I went 5 years in between doctor visits, turns out my thyroid only works about 50% of its capacity so my metabolism was fucked. it still is kinda fucked but it also got me a chance to try a bunch of different antidepressants. trust me it might take 10+ different medications before you are happy with one of them
good luck friend
>>29242323
It's becoming really hard to live now. 10 years of this shit and I do not want to live the rest of my life being this miserable to matter how well I do in school or if I look good.
>>29243209
fucking lol, senpai. Literally, that kind of stuff is what sitcoms are made out of. you should write a little in your spare time.
you guys simply dont hate yourselves enough. if you did, you'd want to make yourself suffer even more, and thus start doing things that would eventually improve your life.
>had a really nice early childhood till life signed me up for the JUST treatment.
>parents divorce once I'm 11
>live with my mother, at least once every few days my father is knocking at the door, crying and screaming outside.
>this goes on for like half a year before he decides to take his life.
>Mom finds a new guy like just a few months later
>I obviously don't accept him but my mother loves him.
>He turns out to be an abusive piece of shit who often hit my mother and I'd catch his hands too if I tried to step in.
>We're forced to move out few years later because he's threatening to kill both of us.
>think we're save by now, turns out that faggot got my mother pregnant.
>Barely able to survive, I'm still a young boy and since I now have a little brother my mother decided to spend nearly all her time with him, leaving me feeling unloved.
>I turn 16-17 and start feeling depressed as hell
>I'm 27 now and nothing has changed.
I honestly have no idea what makes me still go through life. I have absolutely no hobbies, no interests or any goals to live for but yet something keeps me going.
>>29243874
rough life mate
>>29243323
>I keep having breakdowns every single night
This has been happening to me every fucking day and night. I'm just going to kill myself soon.
>>29243815
Not him, but I'm 27 and have been clinically depressed for as long as I can remember. On top of that, thyroid problems run in my family and symptoms are starting to show. Here's the kicker: I can't afford insurance. I'm right in that gap were I make too much money for aid, but not enough to afford anything. I can't afford to go to a doctor, and I certainly can't afford to pay for meds for the of my life.
Know what I can afford? A box of .40 hollow points. Every day it seems I'm running out of reasons to keep them in the box.
>>29242323
I haven't really felt depressed for the past few months. Prior to this recent spell, it was 3-4 years of suicidal ideation every few days. I got a job for the first time at a grocery store, and it helped get me out of the house and contributed to a feeling of productivity. I'm still not happy though. The job is minimum wage, I'm at least 1.5 years away from even getting a piss easy English degree (even though I've been in college for almost 6 years (for which I don't have a real reason to go back))... So, it's coming back. It was never really overt sadness, just...wanting to not be alive. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to stop existing. I wish I could die in a way that wouldn't burden anybody else. I don't want my parents to suffer, I don't want to cause trouble for anybody, I just want to stop existing.
I can't genuinely complain, though. I've never wanted for anything and I've had good friends. I just don't appreciate any of it.
>>29243934
You understand where I'm coming from
It's consumed everything, I'm in constant frustration and panic, going back to a normal life isn't an option now
I'm doing it anon, hopefully you find the courage as well, prove to everyone that you're fucking serious
>>29243815
Thanks friend. I haven't taken Dramamine since 2009 :^) I did do shrooms a few weeks ago, but that was pre-meditated and safe and organized.
I've been on the drugs and eh. Not my cup of tea.
I started making solid plans to kill myself about a month ago. At the same time, I am trying journaling, forcing myself to take time to draw, a regimen of supplements (5-htp, maca root, d3, and magnesium), forcing myself to exercise, changing my diet, enrolled in once-a-week counseling/therapy... I really am trying to survive.
If I'm going to kill myself, I want the record to show that I tried everything before doing it.
Interestingly, despite being so bad off that I havelost the ability to cry, I don't have sleep trouble. I get very tired around 8-9PM and sleep until 2-4AM, check the time, and sleep until 6:40-7:40AM. I was very strict with myself about sleep back in 2012 when I didn't leave my dorm room for two months, and it has stuck with me since. Circadian rhythm, sleep habits.
I don't have proper nightmares any more. I have dreams that leave conscious me horrified and disgusted, but I don't wake up frightened/upset or feel that way during the dream. IDK.
The intrusive thoughts are the worst part of my mental illness. I have no filter and my own mind tortures me. I avoid movies/tv/videos of any kind because when I see something moving, it gets burned into my mind, and I obsess about it for days or weeks. Like if I accidentally see gay porn, I think about any pair of dudes I see together in public fucking.
>>29243874
Holy fuck, are you me? My father killed himself, my step-father was a huge dick and my mother got pregnant later (by a different guy though) and would barely pay me any attention anymore. When my younger sister was born, I used to fucking hate her because of all the attention she got. It took me a pretty long while till I was able to love her and once she was in her mid-teens, she would just treat me like a piece of shit. I should have killed her when I had the chance to.
>>29243845
xd hdfjujyhh
It isn't really about her, or at least her specifically. All my life I thought I was a stoic, a man who didn't need other people to give me happiness. Turns out that was bullshit, I'm an emotional faggot just like the rest of us.
Even while we were living in the same city she seemed distant and avoidant. I know she likes me, or at least liked me, but her actions tell a different story entirely. Apparently when she first heard I wanted her too she broke out into a panic and started crying... something isn't right, but I have no idea what. Attempts to find out were met with her changing the subject or fleeing the conversation, once literally.
This was before she moved out of town for the summer semester. Three months later and I'm lonelier than I ever have been. I'm sure from her end all intimacy has evaporated by this point.
I was supposed to see her today, but plans changed and it wasn't possible. She was so close but I couldn't hold her in my arms.
It isn't even her specifically, its the fact that I'm an unlovable asshole who hasn't experienced love. I want someone to love me, dearly.
>>29243323
>>29243934
What exactly triggers the breakdown and how does it feel (shitty of course, but I mean in a detailed way)? I've never had one before so I'm genuinely curious.
>>29243845
That's not true. It doesn't make any sense. Doing productive, life-improving things feels good. It isn't suffering, you feel fulfilled.
>get to go on a trip to a different state to see an old friend soon
>he has a bunch of normie activities planned out with some of his friends there
>going to be forced to swim
>will have to take off my shirt in front of people
I haven't felt a feel this bad in a long time. I'm going to be so ashamed. I am so ashamed. I should have started my weight loss earlier. I'm such a big fat waste of space failure loser faggot.
>>29244050
My brain is pounding, like a headache
I tell myself from the back of my head that no one appreciates me and that I need to die to escape
My pulse is really high and I feel every heartbeat, on the verge of crying but never quite get there
I've stared into a wall for the last two hours, also want to puke
>>29244054
not to a mentally diseased robot. its easy to sit around and do nothing. going outside and talking to actual people is real suffering.
>>29242323
Mildly depressive person here. Y'all should try taking St. John's Wort, it's an antidepressant herb without side effects and as powerful as Prozac
>>29244050
I'm neither of the people you replied to, but to me a breakdown feels like I'm not in control of my own brain. All these terrible thoughts just flood in and there seems to be no way to deal with them. When they're particularly bad (normally due to some physical illness) it's almost like a delusion, everything around me is fucked up and I completely lose control. Also the stuff in this >>29244104 post.
>>29243602
I want to say the reason I haven't done it already is because I couldn't hurt my brother that way, but I'm a coward. Too much of a coward to go out the only way I'd want to.
>>29243711
Keeping my brother safe is the only good thing I'll do with my life. But I can't not hate myself. I miss him once in a great while, you know. The guy who did it. Normally I hate him more than anything but sometimes I miss him. It's sick and I disgust myself for ever feeling like that.
My brother's actually been getting under my skin about the therapy, but I'm afraid of the therapist pressuring me to press charges. And I'm afraid if I were to say everything out loud it'd make me look shitty. I encouraged him, started shit and flirted. I never went to any adults and even stayed a while after I wasn't in his custody anymore. And I know he just said it to keep me quiet, but who'd believe dumpsterfag over successful big business guy?
>>29244050
>>29244104
Oh I forgot to tell but the usual trigger for it is when I get lonely at night
I don't talk to anyone except my father so it gets lonely, although the real thing that bothers me is that I used to talk to a lot of people and I don't anymore
There's also a girl that I was supposed to become a thing with, but despite telling me she had similar feelings she doesn't want to talk to me at all, she was my last hope for finding someone who could stay with me and every second of being ignored serves as a painful reminder of that I'll never have her, or anyone for that matter
That about sums it up
I tried to kill myself a few weeks back. Just turned out to be embarrassing.
The psychiatrist I was seeing was a useless quack who made dumb assumptions and made no attempt to understand what I was saying. I was seeing a psychologist too, but it wasn't really helping. Then she went on leave and the organisation was really loose with its information privacy so instead of seeing her replacement I opted to go back to counselling. The counsellor is even more useless, but at least I have privacy with her.
I'm taking Tofranil, which is helping a little bit but not much. Full of anger and hopelessness. I want to go away, but I don't want to die. I just want to start over. Different body, different mind, different environment growing up. But all I can do is try to make the most of what I have, and it's not enough. That or die, which is just nothingness.
Every fucking day I work so so hard for no pay at all just to see that I even lost money (food, gas, public transport tickets, etc) doing that since it's work i do to convince people i'm worthy of getting the job they're offering. (Here, you sometimes get invited for a trial period, it's the last hurdle on the way to getting a real job. You have to work as if you were already hired for a day or two, although you wont get shit for that.) My parents are starting to have less and less money and I know it is because I spend it trying to get my shit together. In the end it never works out and i am back to square one, costing even more and having to write more fucking applications. I feel miserable because I know that someone without my really kind parents cannot make it in my situation and the odds keep getting worse for me as well, although they are there for me like that. I am starting to factually drag down the ones i love along with myself. I wish i could do something to bring in at least some money to repay them in some way. Haha. Not gonna happen... And the days inbetween i am a lazy fuck, unable to relax or enjoy anything because i don't deserve it. Gets worse because it's just so stressful to live like this. Plus I am too robotic to be able to tell them how much I thank them and love them.
Luxury problem, i know. Good luck to all of you who have it worse. I just wasn't prepared for the feeling of disappointing everyone I know so hard.
>>29244172
therapists aren't the police. they won't pressure you into pressing charges unless that's what you wanted to do. they'd just talk about this stuff with you and help alleviate the undeserved toxic shame you've been left with.
Being depressed is a choice. Everyday you wake up and decide whether it will be a good day or a bad day. Its a shame you guys keep choosing this life but no one can helpyou but yourselves.
>>29244617
agreed. they actually believe that their brains are fucked up. this belief cripples them
Things are good, about to get bad as always
>get talking to another robot
>he's coming to visit
>calls me nice things like beautiful
>accepts that I'm mental
>two robots in love
>never felt love before
>I'm sure he's getting sick of me
>he's scared I might hurt myself
>he probably is stuck with me now instead of wanting to be with me
What do I do?
How do I get past this!
>>29244617
You might want to read up on chemical imbalances and brain damages buddy
>>29244823
Not him, but those can be induced through poor behavior or poor experiences.
In a way that supports your greater point that it isn't necessarily the sick person's fault.
I feel like I'm in purgatory. I have just enough ties and reasons to keep going that I don't kill myself, but not enough to make life feel worth it. I know that I have a long, mediocre life ahead of me. I care so much about all these things that i will never change. Everyone else just seems so much more alive. I don't know why I'm different, but I am.
I haven't had a coherent thought in a while. Been laying on bed doing nothing for a long time now. My robot buddy hasnt responded to my messages, wouldn't be surprised if he offed himself like my other one.
>>29243959
buy thyroid drugs from canada, bro
levothyroxin is cheap, cheap. I mean, a lot better if you had insurance, but it is not the end of your bank account. the bad part is you have to guess your own dosage because the doctor isn't running blood tests. increase by 25 micrograms every month and see how it goes. you can do it for chemistry. and science
>>29243980
intrusive thoughts is a symptom of several things, but by itself it is not an illness. I am not a doctor but it sounds like whatever you're dealing with is bad news.
good thing you are exercising it is the best thing you can do for yourself besides sleeping.
what you could also do is find something boring to read before bed. if you obsess over things, you'll want to find something that is just on the edge of boring you to tears, but just interesting enough that you will look forward to it every night because it would be a low-stakes activity.
Idk, good luck. I wish I had more for you. good vibes
>>29244823
That could be the case sometimes but it most likely isn't. Medications rarely fix your depression. If most depressions were caused by chemical imbalances then they could easiky be supplemented and very few people would still be depressed.
The one form of human interaction that doesn't fill me with "fight or flight" spiked anxiety is shitposting on 4chan. So I stay here and shitpost with you bros because it's the closest thing I have to socializing. The rest of my life is non-existent. When I'm reminded of how much of a loser I am I start to hate myself again. Causing me to repeat a cycle of avoiding regular people and spending nearly entire days on this board. Some day I'll look back at the countless hours wasted. Wondering if I should kick myself for being such a dumb ass. But really, you guys were all I ever had. That and food.
>>29242323
I don't see the point in continuing when everything I thought was true turned out to be an illusion. Love,freedom,happiness it's litteraly all a big lie.
Inb4 Jews. I'm aware
I'm 100% sure somebody will tell me to get off this board but my girlfriend just broke up with me a few days ago.
I gave her everything I had, every last drop of trust after being raped by my ex. I trusted her sexually, emotionally, in every way you can trust a person. And she just "didn't feel right" one day and decided it was time to end it. I was thinking of a ring she would really love too. I want to kill myself so fucking badly, I can't get over her. I've never loved somebody so much, I memorized every inch of her body and every factor of her personality. She was everything to me, and I'm just too much or something. I miss her so much
I just want to die
>>29242323
Anyone else get confused looking at mirrors?
Sometimes when I see my reflection I find it hard to believe that its me, I can never remember my own face when I see it
What the hell is this? More recently been hearing my name said in a muffled far away voice quiet often
>>29244501
>undeserved toxic shame
That was actually really nice to read. Thank you, Anon.
I guess it can't hurt. I'll wait until my brother brings it up again, see how I feel then. Too bad shrinks can't just saw into your head and pull all the bad shit out.
>>29242323
I don't really feel this lethargic
But I feel really lost and uncapable of moving on from my past
especially because of my fucked up nickname that still follows me
Lifting is going ok lately but i still feel like killing myself
Also my online friend is so difficult to handle
>>29245217
It will take time but you'll be able to love again. Hope you find some that appreciates you.
>>29245217
You know what's funny.
Objectively, your pain is enormous compared with my own.
Yet, if that is the only thing upsetting you and keeping you from attaining happiness and reaching your goals, you should be in good shape in a matter of time.
I can't underestimate the power of what pain can do to the mind in the moment, though. It may seem absolutely unbearable.
I'd encourage you to learn about mindfulness focused meditation and try it sometime.
>>29242323
Over a year has gone by and I'm still in love with Adam Lanza. It's okay though. I've accepted it. I will dedicate my life to being sad over him in peace.
im so fucking worthless
she was just a friend but i didn't know i was such a burden
i should've at least tried to be a better person but im not cut out for this shit i guess
>>29245239
Me 2, anon
I can never see the same face when I look in the mirror
I also see myself differently in photos
>>29244910
I wouldn't even know where to start. How much does it cost?
>>29245239
>More recently been hearing my name said in a muffled far away voice quiet often
This happens to me all the time, I don't get it. And it always sounds like my dad when he got angry with me.
Been depressed since I was a little boy, and am just sort of sick of being alive. All I ever kept hearing was "it'll get better" but that's a lie. It only gets worse as you age and realize you're never going anywhere in life.
Parents are disabled, so I take care of them 24/7 with never a day off and have to deal with my own shit besides. Just got out of the hospital a couple days ago, and the entire time I was in there my mom kept calling my room asking me when I was getting out because the dishes and laundry were stacking up and that they needed me home to take care of the shit I was missing.
Every day gets worse than the one before it, my body feels as if i've been set on fire(i've been set on fire before, I know this feel, no exaggeration,) i've had a non-stop migraine/headache thing since 2009, can't feel my legs or feet, can't work(had a vocational expert at a disability hearing tell the judge point blank this very thing) and was denied anyway. Even McDonald's hires ex-cons and pedophiles, so apparently I'm a WORSE choice than that. Been out of work ten years, just taking care of the house and my parents.
Every day I want to die or stop existing, because any person who ever uttered the words 'it gets better' is a fucking liar and I hope they all die in a simultaneous car fire.
The only good part of my life, as sad and absolutely pathetic as it is, are you folks. You understand what it is to be unloved, unwanted, outcast and alone in a world that doesn't give two fat elephant shits whether you're alive or dead. And it makes me happy we're not alone together. I love you anons, I hope your lives improve and you get everything you ever want out of life.
Not doing too bad.
I actually visited my cuckbook profile, devastated seeing my first few posts nearly 7years ago. I had a really different life back then, school kept me busy, would talk daily to a few friends over vent playing mmos, wasnt nearly as cynical.
It went to shit after college.. Spent my days on mmos cutting real contacts out, then went NEET for over a year, rock bottom self esteem.
Now im working thankfully, but im still struggling with my self image, used to really hate myself for being so quiet and socially fucked.
There's no turning back, people move on and I honestly wish I would have tried harder being friendly and social when it mattered.
Sorry for the long diary post, I miss having real friends around and denying it with escapism never helped.
>>29242472
>long shifts at a job I hate
>the one coworker who I enjoyed talking to quit today
>crippling depression keeps me from enjoying even things I used to love
>oneitis is having a baby with her husband
I eagerly anticipate death
I'm such a fucking loser. Please kill me. I've been ostracized from every group I've ever tried to join. It's not them, it's me. What the hell is wrong with me?
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me please
I keep fucking up no matter what i do. I spent $600 dollars on a summer class i barely fucking wake up for and i've already missed the first exam.
The professor put on her syllabus that she drops the lowest exam grade so i'm praying that works. I have to show up tomorrow and the rest of the classes, if I don't I fail the class.
I've been working this dead ass wageslave job too, wasting all my hours not even giving myself time to study. Even then when i get home i'm too lazy to study.
I know I fucked up, class will be embarassing, im lonely as fuck. Why did i have to fuck up this bad?
Right now my general mood isn't too horrific, I just get those cataclysmic drops every now and then. Popping some Seroquel when I feel those coming on helps.
>>29243604
I'm sorry to hear that anon, drug addiction fucks you up real good, just know that the rest of us screwheads are out here, among you, trudging or just NEET
Literally everything is wrong.
>>29242323
It took me nearly a decade to finish university. I had to drop out every so often due to anxiety and depression. I also changed what I wanted to major in a few times. I recently got an engineering job that pays over $60,000 a year. I can buy nicer and more expensive shit now. It doesn't make me feel any better, though. I am still fat, ugly, lonely, and awkward. I have almost no energy to do anything with my free time. I've ended up just getting fatter which just makes me feel worse. I have anxiety every day that I will not be able to complete my assignments and will be fired for it. I don't understand how all the normal people I work with are able to do so many things outside of work.
>ITT: Special snowflakes who think depression means "deep sadness"
>have never felt a kiss
>probably never will
Is love something Normie's made up just to piss me off?
prertty meh. im not severely depressed like most of you here, im just sad af after being broken up with
this is the first night im sleeping without taking sleeping pills and/or getting shitfaced drunk in about 40 days so i guess im getting better
Why is connecting with others so hard? How do others manage it so easily?
I spent over $100 on ubers to go to a concert alone because my friends bailed on me
I cried in the booths in the back and left halfway through
I just want to die
>>29242323
I constantly swap between feeling shit and wanting to kill myself, and feeling like I'm probably not any worse than other people and am just being self pitying and pathetic. I sleep 14 hours a day most days, or I don't sleep at all on others. I feel disconnected from everything most of the time, like nothing makes proper sense and I can't talk properly, my sentences get fucked up and I forget what I'm saying, and other times I get really scared and believe weird explanations for why things are the case. I can't go outside at night without feeling like things are watching me and will attack me if I stay out, even letting my cat out makes me hyperventilate.
I feel like this is just whiny shit, but should I bother seeing a psychiatrist again, or just handle it on my own? I'm not sure what to do, if it's not that bad or probably can't be helped I won't put any burden on anyway and will just stay home. Apologies if this was stupid or annoying to anyone.
Normalfaggots held me hostage but I managed to escape only to be fucked around again. I found a qt weeaboo but I think it's a trap. Nothing good ever happens to me, I'm convinced everybody secretly hates me.
>>29247439
I don't want to shit on you but this is something I have been thinking about lately.
I think the reason we have these problems is that we are selfish. I often think about myself, my own problems, when a conversation becomes dull I retreat into my own fantasies and delusions. I don't want to connect with other people. I'm not sure what to do, whether I should try harder to REALLY understand people or to just accept my loneliness.
These are some half-formed thoughts I have so I don't know if this is even true or whatever.
Molested dumpsterfag again. My brother ended up visiting, he just left. I was still crying like a bitch over the phone message but he didn't push it when I said I didn't want to talk about what got me upset. We hung out for a while, watched some netflix. I told him I'd be okay with looking into shrinks and he hugged me and told me I'm being brave.
I used to take care of him. He's my little brother and after we lost our parents I felt responsible for the little goober. Godfather was only interested in me so I tried to raise him myself. Helped him with school stuff, made his lunches when I could, read him stories. The second year after our parents were gone he gave me something for father's day. Now he comes and visits me in my little garbage box of an apartment and takes care of me. It must be like visiting an empty husk that looks like his brother for him. If therapy doesn't help in a year I'm going to try to get the balls to kill myself. Murder-suicide with my godfather, if I'm going I'm taking him with me. Seems fair. A life for a life.
>>29248371
You may not feel like you're worth much but you clearly mean the world to your brother. He would be devastated if he lost you. I hope you can get to a better place.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to end it tomorrow. Just going to take every pill I can find and endure the pain. Maybe fall asleep on my back so if my body tries to throw it up I'll just drown in my own vomit.
I'm a shitty person, I'll be doing the world a favor. I'm a complete fucking degenerate. I don't treat people as people, I've killed my pets, I've done lots of shitty things and I deserve to be dead, honestly.
Nothing really matters and I guess I don't really have any will to try anymore.
>>29248524
Don't do it. No one is beyond redemption.
>>29248686
I'd like to believe this. I really would. But at this point it's just a laundry list of reasons for me and I can't overlook all of them. There's too little to lose.
>>29242491
I was on 30mg of Lexapro for about a year till I started something else. If it isn't working for you tell your doc and try something else. I started a new treatment last week to try and improve the situation. Stay strong robot.
>>29243507
I love you buddy.
>not gay
>sorry
>>29242323
I am about to an hero. I wrote my note and everything is ready. Later space robots. I hope you have a better time on this planet then I did.
If I've learned anything in my 27 years, it's that it doesn't get better, and anyone who says anything different is lying.
>>29248437
On my best days I think I can't be a complete waste of resources if someone as good as him sees something worth loving in me. On my worst days I resent him for it, knowing how much it would mess up his life if I offed myself. I always him having to go down to the morgue even if I killed myself somewhere that someone else would find me.
Thank you, Anon. My brother said he'd come over tomorrow and look up local shrinks with me. He's probably afraid of me losing my nerve. He really meant it when he said I was being brave.
Typing out my thoughts like this is helping. Getting it out. Thank you for listening.
>>29244617
>says the dude not dealing with depression
>>29242510
iktf
cute guy in class i never talked too
was obsessed and it killed me
reading this thread just further makes me sad
im crying
I don't know why I am sad. But I am sad this day.
I just graduated high school.
I have a job.
I have a girlfriend.
But I find no joy in anything. I just sit here and pretend like I'm having fun when I know I'm really not.
I'm just sitting here listening to the new gojira album and drinking.
>>29247287
love is overrated and the negatives outweigh the positives. trust me. now that I've finally achieved my first kiss and loss my virginity I really have nothing left to achieve. life is completely empty now.
One thing that I do find endlessly fucking agitating and 500% sad; how is it any kind of fair for people like me who were fucked from birth? Screwed right out of the gate with severe chemical imbalances that were inherited from their parents. The most important part of me, my brain, was dealt the shittiest hand you could possibly fucking imagine while others have literally nothing with their minds and thought processes. It's some kind of cosmic joke I guess. You tell me and we'll both know.
>>29249387
>shittiest hand you could possibly fucking imagine
What bothers me about this mindset is that you're like someone who qualified for the Olympics but refuses to compete because his odds of winning are low. As though there is nothing to gain by experiencing the Olympics from that perspective...How do you not celebrate having made it to that point in the first place? What a cool thing!!!
>>29249720
I will indulge your analogy, I do enjoy the Olympics. I certainly, certainly do not loathe being in the Olympics altogether. It is however, from time to time, substantially more difficult for me to enjoy being in the Olympics because my brain does not function the way it should
>>29244104
I'm so sorry that this is your reality. If I could see you, I would give you a hug.
>>29249887
I genuinely appreciate that, thanks anon.
All throughout my adolescence I kept telling myself that if there was anything I knew I would be, it would be someone better than my father. Now, become a relatively stable adult, I'm finding out that he was a better man than I gave him credit for and I'm worse than I thought he was.
>>29242323
Not well. Nobody every replies to me on /r9k/. I have come to the conclusion that only normies occupy this board.
mom want me to see a doctor. I dont think laying in bed whole day off or doing drugs is bad, but in other hand there is no way to describe terror i feel when i am in work. I am so stressed, coworkers are asking me why i am so sad and i cant really answer. I just ddont really know if its depression or i just fucked up my choices in life and now i suffer. It may be good idea to grab some ssri tho, how do you think guys?
>>29248524
>Olga's grandson Vladimir (956-1015) became prince of Kiev by murdering his older brother. Then he raped his sister-in-law and added her to his harem of several hundred women. To consecrate a new temple to all the gods, he sacrificed a father and his son. When the emperor at Constantinople sought his help in putting down a rebellion, Vladimir demanded as his reward the emperor's sister as his wife (actually, the unhappy woman would be Vladimir's eighth wife). The emperor countered that Vladimir must convert to Christianity. Everyone suspected that once he was back in Kiev, Vladimir would return to his old ways, but the grace of baptism changed him. He dismissed his extra wives and his harem, tore down the pagan temple, and launched a vigorous campaign to convert his people. The faith his grandmother planted flourished under Vladimir.
I absolutely know I have the capacity to be a heavily accomplished person, but I'm not sure if I'll ever actually make it. Each day, it seems less and less likely, and I feel like I'm slowly drowning in my own expectations for myself.
And I know it's just a sort of attitude, a funk for lack of better words, but the steps to get myself out of it seem farther away each day.
>>29242472
>mfw fucked up tests because apathetic.
>mfw probably not getting into college
>mfw probably for the best because I wouldnt have worked there either
>now I will probably need to find work again
>had one full time job before and it killed me inside because of exactly what you are talking about.
>tfw not motivated for academics and would never do any work outside of class, so I want a nice job that pays.
>tfw hate dealing with other people in work, hate being in the same place all the time, hate feeling like you are going nowhere.
Where the fuck did it honestly go wrong? I'm 21 and I still have no clue what I want to do in life. I fell for the trick of believing High School would never end and now that it has and people have moved on, I've been trapped in stasis for more than 3 years, just kinda drifting in and out of things half heartedly. I have no interest in a career or academia. Or having a family. I do not know where I'm going or what I want, and because of this I don't feel like I can relate to anyone I meet. I am a complete anomaly.
>>29250573
I think stop abusing drugs before you claim you have depression, that seems obvious. You're fucking around with the chemicals in your head and then saying you've got mental disorders. It's like someone taking LSD and then claiming they're schizophrenic when they get out of it.
>>29250082
I'll reply to you anon. This board has been really normie recently though, you're right, there's very few decent threads, it's just teenagers these days. Try finding other smaller chans, because at this point, /r9k/ is basically just /b/ but angrier. Even fucking lolcow, a site filled with women, is less normie than this, and certainly less obnoxious. Wizchan is nice but /dep/ is the only board I browse, and it's far too slow.
>>29251348
once a month is not abusing. I was unhappy long before taking anything
My life is just complete shit all the way around. I feel like spitting everything out. Strap in, because this is gonna be a bumpy ride. It's okay if none of you wants to read any of this, because it's enough for me just to put it out here in the open.
I'll start with my childhood. I had both sides of the shitty parent spectrum; my dad was neglectful and my mom was abusive. Both of my parents were huge alcoholics. I'd almost never see my dad sober, except sometimes on the weekends if he was home. My mom tended to alternate between having a month of sobriety and a month of being drunk. She was bipolar, so she'd start drinking when she was depressed or uncomfortably manic. She'd usually stop drinking once she became hypomanic again. I'd come home one day, after weeks of seeing her passed out on the couch, and she'd just be sober, wearing fresh clothes and a new haircut, and she'd be jumping around the house to finish all the chores she missed while she was drunk. My hypomanic mom was completely different from my drunk mom. She'd become like way too overprotective, she'd never leave me be. It felt like I had two completely different mothers.
My dad was never at home for most of my life. He had a cushy legal job and made a six figure salary, but he spent it all going out to bars every night. We never had any food at home, so I'd have to steal from the school cafeteria every day. Once I turned 17 or so, he suddenly wanted to become a part of my life, so he'd take me out to bars with him and we'd share a really awkward, forced conversation together about one of his pretentious interests. I always felt extremely uncomfortable because he'd usually make a huge ass out of himself, creepily hitting on waitresses or going on a rant (in front of some soldiers, too) about how today's troops are pussies compared to the Vietnam War volunteers.
I hate this fucking world, too many god damn fuckers in it.
Too many thoughts and different societies all wrapped up together in this fucking place called AMERICA.
Everyone has their own god damn opinion on every god damn thing,
and you may be saying 'Well what makes you so different?'.
Because I have something only me and V have; SELF AWARENESS.
Call it exortenstiolism or whatever the fuck you want.
We know what we are to this world, and what everyone else is.
We learn more than what caused the civil war and how to simplify quadratics in school.
We've been watching you people and we know what you think and how you act.
All talk and no action.
People who are said to be brave or courageous are usually just STUPID,
then they say later that they did it on purpose cause they're brave,
when they did it on fucking accident.
God everything is so corrupt and so filled with opinions and points of view,
and peoples own little agendas and schedules.
This isn't a world any more.
It's H.O.E and no one knows it.
Self awareness is a wonderful thing.
04/20/99
>>29242323
My dad died April 25th, so that sucks. He died of pnemonia.
Other than that, not that much, actually
Smokin a cigarette staring at my phone
Most of my spare time is spent blankly staring at something twisting my beard because I also have OCD
truly I have an awful life and wish to kill myself
>>29251474
He had a weird obsession with the Vietnam War. One time he completely broke down into tears while he was talking about it. To this day, I don't really have any clue why he was so emotional about it, since he never fought in any war and he had absolutely no connection to Vietnam whatsoever. You'd think he was a vet or something from seeing him breakdown while talking about war, but he never served in the military. People say it's like this "rare moment of vulnerability" the day that you finally see your dad cry, but I just thought he looked really pathetic.
My mom was the opposite of my dad, since she'd almost always be at home. She couldn't hold a job because she was very mentally ill from her bipolar disorder. She was very abusive and violent towards me sometimes. She'd try to hit me when she was really drunk and she didn't like something I was doing. There were a few times where she went completely psychotic. There was this one day in particular that affected me. I came home and she was really hammered, which wasn't a big surprise, but she didn't really seem like her usual drunk self. She seemed really unkempt, like she hadn't done any self-grooming in a long time, and she was kinda talking to herself. She must've been pretty psychotic, since nothing she was saying made much sense. I got my cat and hid him in my room, so that she couldn't hurt him. I was also just feeling really lonely and I needed his company. My mom started pounding really violently against my door, yelling different obscenities at me and telling me I was a shitty son. Eventually she got a knife and started stabbing at the door, kinda like that scene from The Shining. I got her to put down the knife and I gave her the cat.
>>29251487
>exortenstiolism
>04/20/99
anon...
>>29251465
Well then why did you even mention the drug issue? If you're just chilling in your room on your days off, that's fine. If you feel like your mood is impacting your ability to function day to day, go see a doctor.
And don't just go "yeah I'll take some meds for it", because that's fucking stupid, go do therapy, see if that works before you ram some psychoactive chemicals down your throat.
>>29251487
Is your name by any chance not important?
>>29251532
There was also one week where she was really suicidal and she kept threatening to drive the car off a cliff. I had to hold her down into the sofa for hours and hours, because she was so fucking manic that she probably would've done it. I can still remember the feeling of her cold, clammy body, reeking of booze. I'd be shoving her back into the sofa countless times, having my own mom tell me she was going to kill herself and that I couldn't stop her. I was really suicidal at the time, so every second I just wanted to give up and let her kill herself, so that I could kill myself too.
My family never spoke to one another about anything. I had two sisters, but we never discussed our parents for too long. My mom never told anybody that she was bipolar, so I had no idea what was wrong with her until a few months before I left the house. None of her actions ever made any sense to me, which made it harder to cope with them. It would've been a lot simpler if I'd have known that she was mentally ill, because then I'd at least know the reason for everything she did. Nobody ever approached my mom about her alcoholism when she was sober. Everyone was too afraid to address it. The same with my dad. If we did, I think they'd try to deny it or play it down. So for most of my life, I've just had to shove all these experiences and all this pain deep, deep down inside myself. I never really had anyone to talk with about everything.
existence is excruciating boring pain
>>29251658
It's been three years since I left that house, but it feels like I can't escape it. I've been diagnosed schizoaffective and I've had a couple of psychotic breakdowns this past year. I've gone to the hospital a couple times. I've also become addicted to drugs for the past year and a half. Right now I'm really only doing kratom, which isn't so bad, but it still feels awful being dependent on something and having to constantly take it in order to be normal. I hate myself for having my mom's mental illness and my parents' substance problem. I don't want to hurt my children like my parents have hurt me. Every day I just don't feel like there's any reason to live anymore. I used to have some friends, but they've all mostly left me. The same with my family. I keep getting nightmares where I'm being murdered by my mom, like once every two weeks or so. I have really bad anxiety too. Whenever I'm anywhere in public, I'm almost always shaking really bad and it feels like I'm going to have a heart attack. People stare at me and laugh at me and judge me for it. I just feel so fucking worthless.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep living like this. I don't want to keep this up much longer. I just want it all to end already.
I am absolutely certain that my depression would be alleviated if I found someone to love me.
>nb4 Anon, a woman won't solve all your problems, and will bring new ones!
Bullshit. All my problems are loneliness and stagnation.
I'm on a time limit though. I feel myself giving up more each day. someday soon, within the next two years, I won't be salvageable.
I'm 27.
>>29242323
>just say what's on your mind.
this >>29251963
>>29251856
>tfw I feel similar
>but lack any traumatic events this strong in my childhood
heaps of similarities with me
my mum was also pretty unstable but wouldnt do stuff that extreme, just chase us around the house with the belt often and get angry/violemt for no reason
don't remember much other stuff/enough to try and diagnose better because i was young and I blocked most of it out
didn't inherit substance abuse though, just strong alcoholism
>>29251332
I fucking feel it
>Feel happier than normal for once
>Become intensely uncomfortable
>>29251856
>I don't want to hurt my children
well you clearly won't need to worry about that
>>29251967
You're absolutely wrong, and if it's really just "I don't have this thing I want and I'm sad about that", then that is in no way in keeping with what depression is, you're just sad.
>>29251986
I know that feeling all too well. It sucks that I can't just feel happy without feel anxious about feeling happy.
>>29244823
>>29249387
Daily reminder there isn't a shred of evidence supporting "chemical imbalances", and even if there were, you'd have no way to prove it's occurring.
>>29252014
That's what fucks me up.
I feel fake. I feel obsessed.
Well, no, feel isn't the right word...
I am those things. I feel nothing, unless it's a derivative of anger or hopelessness.
Even the closest I can get to happiness is based on spite.
And I can't even bring myself to hurt people; I don't want to. It's not their fault they get to be happy.
I've had depression since my earliest memories... I was 5.
>>29252048
Well, this is just my opinion, and keep in mind that I'm not a psychologist or in any way qualified to say this, but it sounds to be like the whole GF thing is just an excuse.
If you're legit about having had issues since you're five, do you really think that having something you wouldn't have wanted back then when you were unhappy will fix you still being unhappy?
It sounds like you've latched onto the idea of a GF as something you're lacking, that's the cause for your issues because you don't want to address the real reason (there always is one, chemical imbalance is a shaky theory at best). It's a scapegoat, if that makes sense.
>day is actually going fairly well
>say something to the person sitting in front of me on the bus
>stacy makes a snarky remark
>insecure.jpg
>can't stop thinking about it
>entire day is fucking ruined
When I was in school I planned a shooting.
I was depressed and stressed by exams and my life was going nowhere. I fucking hated all the teachers and kids in my year. I figured if I did it I'd be remembered, and I worshipped the columbine kids.
There was a gun I was going to steal from my uncle. There was going to be an assembly for our year in a building with only two exits. I was gonna chain the back door shut with a bike lock like cho did and come through the front door and shoot as many people as I could.
But I pussied out a week before. I figured I didn't want to die or spend the rest of my life in prison.
I'm not sure how I feel about my decision now. I'm still depressed and I'll probably be forgotten.
>>29242323
I'm at a mental asylum at the moment,pretty comfy desu.
>>29242323
Fucked a friends sister, and pretty sure thats what has ruined what was looking like it would be a good relationship with a girl I was actually really enjoying hanging out with. I make some shitty drunk decisions
>>29244054
then you arnt depressed
>>29252120
I'm glad you didn't do it, anon. I'll remember this post.
>>29245010
boy, you really dont understand neuro-chemistry or the functions of the brain do you
>>29252135
>implying any mental asylum would let you use 4chan, or even have access to the internet
>>29252229
Care to explain why he's wrong, instead of just claiming he doesn't have any knowledge? I assume you do understand neuro-chemistry if you're saying he doesn't by the way, it would be stupid to act like you can tell someone doesn't understand something that you don't either.
>>29251981
Sounds like you still had a rough time, if your mom was angry and violent. I don't really remember most of my adolescence either, because I've pushed it very far down. It wasn't until I started going to therapy and taking dissociatives that all of it started coming back. With dissociatives, I could access very deep memories that I've been shoving away for a very long time. They'd come back really vividly and it was like I was reliving the moment all over again. Therapy brought some of that stuff out too. Once I started talking about a memory with someone, the details would slowly start coming back to me.
My therapist told me he was a little disturbed during our sessions, because while I was talking about my abuse I'd always say it all in an emotionless monotone. To me, it doesn't even feel like I'm the one who's experienced all of that stuff. It feels like I was put inside this body just a few years ago and all these memories are what have come pre-packaged with my brain. It feels like someone else has lived all that stuff out, not me. I feel very detached from everything.
But then there are moments where some memory comes back very vividly. I can like see it and I can feel the same emotions I was going through at the time. Sometimes it'll be a dream, but sometimes it'll just come to me randomly during the day. It's like all my pain gets shoved in a box, deep inside my head, until there's too much in there and the whole thing erupts.
>>29252202
thank you friend. i appreciate it.
My life is terrible, nothing ever goes the way I plan and my hopes end up getting destroyed. I think deep down everybody secretly hates me, it feels like I'm cursed and normals can't see it.
>>29252263
Maybe I chose the wrong word,idk what it's called,but I am at a facility for people with mental issues and they can't leave.yes we got times when we can use the phone, but nobody controls what we do with it.
>>29243599
I wonder if there really is any heaven or hell to hold us back from suicide. When someone has absorbed enough sadness and despair they naturally think to kill themselves as a final solution because it's apart of our biological programming to recycle our energy that is being wasted and used for self loathing and hate.
Random sperg of thoughts or some validation or need for our suffering,I don't even know anymore.
>>29251332
you're the definition of the generation scientists cal "the Beautiful one"
i just had a qt dream about an girlfriend, we were having fun in an old industrial building.
Is there any chance for a teenage like love at 21?
I mean it's not like i will ever experience because im an depressive angsty neet
I'm fucking losing it.
Have I obtained autism?
Am I having my first psychotic episode?
I just put my head through my drywall
I wanted the anxieties and the thought loop to stop
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME
AM I LOSING IT COMPLETELY
>>29253492
get alcohol, it's the only hope left
After that, get some good ol weed
>>29253404
>the Beautiful one
what? like prince?
>>29253542
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Z760XNy4VM
watch it
>>29243229
Try not killing yourself at all instead.
>>29243507
I'm sorry anon
We love you as friends here.
Friends you can call faggots or normies
Friends to rant and cry with.
We at r9k love you.
>>29242323
Had the best year of my life ( which isn't saying much) but prob going to lose it and return to being a neet.
I'm on the verge of giving up and just letting it happen, but I am still trying to sort everything out.
Want to focus on my weight (6'2 90KG) it has fluctuated earlier in the year ( early Jan ) it was 80kg.
Target is 75KG
I've started a new training routine.
6miles(10km) Run every 3 days
10km cycle on one non running day
Open water swimming on one non running day
Then a cycles of
sit up
Push up
Squats
Planks
Pull ups
Dips.
I find my motivation is tied to a lot of things but I hope to stay committed and reach and maintain my goal. I am considering getting scales to measure progress ( weight and body fat %)
Is it worth getting or would it just put me of more?
>Two and a half years ago, I met a girl on /r9k/ and added her on Facebook
>I live in Australia, and she lives in the United States
>I'm nearly 21, she's 27, but the age difference to me feels like nothing because (according to most) I've always acted older than my age
>We talked occasionally for a little while, always had a bit of a thing for her despite her living on the other side of the planet
>Christmas of last year, I went home to Tasmania to spend the holidays with family
>She started talking to me more often
> We chatted regularly on Facebook after this point, about life, love, society, things that we wanted to do, etc
>In late January of this year, she confessed to me that she wanted to try a relationship with me
>I was over the moon at the time, excited but nervous, also apprehensive about getting hurt yet again as had happened with the last gf years back
>Over the course of a couple of days, we talked about ourselves and what we had done with our lives up to this point
>Growing up, I'd always been a bit of an outcast - only recently I've made an effort to integrate a little more with people that I work with and be more sociable and friendly, and that's been going reasonably well
>As a child, she had been similar, never staying in one school long enough to make friends and only having a few people that have stuck by her side after all the time she's been around
>Then she reveals to me that she has severe depression, and that she's only ever happy when she's talking to me
>She told me that the night of New Year's Eve she was standing on top of a bridge over the Ohio River, ready to jump off, and that the only reason she didn't is because I sent her a message out of the blue at that very moment
>I'm nervous, I'm scared that she might hurt herself
>Spend agonising nights debating whether to get involved, all I want to do is help and make her happy
>We continue talking and I'm starting to grow really attached
(continued next post)
>>29253968
Moar please, this sounds really interesting.
Origi
>>29253968
>Like, I know that getting this attached this quickly is dangerous, but I'm starting to love this girl
>A couple of months pass, and she tells me that she wants to come to Australia to live with me
>I'm once again nervous, I'm afraid that she's going to get here and think that I'm a complete loser and that she wasted her time
>She applies for a passport, crucial weeks pass and she gets denied, asked to send in more documentation
>Meanwhile, she has sold her car and we've both chipped in for flights to Australia, the dates for the flights are approaching and she still hasn't got a passport from the US Government yet because they don't want to hand one out
>Then, one morning, she calls me
>It was about 3AM here and I woke up to my phone ringing
>The passport office had called her earlier and granted her a passport
>We're both overjoyed, I'm nearly in tears at this point because I'm pretty overwhelmed, I thought she wasn't going to make it here
>The final week passes, and she gets on a plane in Indianapolis, stops in Houston and then Auckland, and finally lands in Sydney
>She's allowed to be in Australia for a maximum of three months on an Electronic Travel Authority visa
>I have to drive five hours to get to Sydney to pick her up from the airport
>Leave my little town in rural New South Wales at 5AM in the morning, drive five hours non-stop to Sydney Airport
>It's dark when I leave, and the sun starts rising half way through my drive
>The entire time I feel like destiny is rushing up to meet me, like this is the beginning of another phase in my life
>I'm so, so nervous that immigration won't let her through, she didn't have much money on her and Australian Customs generally want you to have $5000 in funds so you don't end up becoming homeless or something
>I've been waiting at the airport for about an hour since her plane landed, and I finally get a message
>>29254117
>Turns out I went to the wrong arrivals and pick up zone, she messages me and tells me where she is
>My heart is beating really fast and I feel sort of dizzy at this point
>I start fast-walking to where she is in the airport
>Walk into Arrivals B, stop, and look around
>There she is, she dropped her phone and was bending over behind her suitcase to pick it up
>She stands up and sees me, we both make eye contact, pause, and then she runs toward me and we hug
>Possibly the longest and warmest hug that I've ever had in my life, she buries her face in my chest and I can smell her hair, this is a moment that I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life
I should mention that I'm in tears typing this. It's all coming back to me now.
>We part, exchange the usual greeting and hello and honestly, aside from the hug, it's just like greeting someone that you've known for ages who has just come back from a holiday or something
>We spend the day in Sydney together
>Our first kiss was in full view of the Sydney Opera House and Harbour Bridge, we walked all around Circular Quay together
>She was absolutely amazed seeing this stuff in real life, she hadn't been outside North America so seeing stuff that she'd only ever seen on television was a bit of a spin out I think
>It was a long drive home, she fell asleep on my shoulder in the car on the highway, meanwhile I still can't believe that she's real and that she actually likes me and isn't disappointed with what picked her up at the airport
>We get home and make love for the very first time, I cum kinda quick but that's neither here nor there because it gets better later on
>The first week together was surreal, everything went well, no arguing, we were really happy together
>Then the next week, I had to go on a work trip for three weeks to Adelaide
>She was really stressed out, doesn't like flying, but we make the two flights to Adelaide without a hitch
>>29254285
>The entire way I pretty much just stroke her hair while she has her head on my shoulder
>So I've spent a couple of days in Adelaide doing the whole work thing, and she seems a little off
>She's unhappy that she can't really do much during the day, since I have to take the rental car work got for me to work and she's stuck in the apartment in the city with not much to do except go for a walk somewhere
>I apologise and reassure her that it won't be for long, it'll all be better when we get back home
>But the rage begins
>There are days when I get back to the apartment and she won't respond, just won't talk to me
>Or she picks fights with me, and tells me that she hates it here
>Has horrible nightmares every night
>One night, halfway through this work trip, she wakes up and just flat out says to me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore and tells me to book her a flight home
>I'm pleading with her, telling her to just be patient, everything will be okay when we get home, but nothing works
>So I'm in tears again, but I get my phone and start booking her a flight back home
>I'm at the stage where I have to pay for it, and she starts crying, pulls the phone out of my hand, throws it away, and hugs me telling me to stop and that she loves me no matter what and that she'd do anything for me
>I'm still really shaken up, really upset, but we go back to sleep and I get up and go to work the following morning, give her a kiss goodbye and tell her I love her
>Come the end of the day I'm scared to go home because I feel like she's just going to rage at me again
>This sort of stuff continues happening until the end of the trip
>Near the end of the work trip, she comes down with some sort of stomach bug thing and feels really sick
>I dip out of work early, head back to the hotel apartment and try and sort out a doctor, only after hours doctor I can find is way out of town, and they open at 6PM
>Even fapping isn't fun anymore
And yes, I've tried going long periods of timeyearswithout doing it.
>>29254419
just letting you know i'm reading anon
>>29242323
I hate my best friend for not caring more about me
I hate that her life is better than mine
I hate myself
I am scared
Docs changed my diagnoses and now I am not sure who/what I am
Life seems too hard
Why do I not have a social life
Everyone I meet always says I am a great person, but then we never talk again
why
why
why
>>29254419
>inb4 Tyrone
Original nutter
>>29254419
>So we set off at around that time, and get there about 40 minutes later
>And promptly find out that they won't take patients without booking anymore and that we have to go somewhere to get treatment
>She flips out on me, I get so fucking angry I can't see straight, and we both continue to fight until I end up yelling and kick her out of the car
>I drive away for a little while still seeing red, and about 5 minutes later realise what a monumental fuck up I've made and drive back to find her
>She's nowhere to be found
>I park up and spend an hour walking around the neighborhood looking for her, end up finding her not far from where I parked the car
>She has tears in her eyes and I feel absolutely vile, I've hurt her so bad and I don't know why I do shit like this
>Tell her quietly that she should get back in the car and we'll go back to the apartment and just put it behind us
>The last few days in Adelaide are tense, we both wake up on Friday morning to go to the airport
>Get to the airport, turns out we missed our flight
>End up paying $300 for a re-scheduled flight and another $150 for a motel room next to the airport for the night
>The night in the motel is very tense and we don't really talk to each other
>Wake up the very next morning at 5:50AM, leave, go catch our flight and she's instantly brightened up, really excited about getting back to my home in the little country town
>We get home and everything is peachy... for about two weeks
>Then the anger begins again
>Apparently I wasn't the same person as the one she was talking to on the phone
>Apparently I didn't love her as much as she loved me
>Apparently I wasn't good enough for her
>I'm pleading with her, trying to get her to be happy again because everything is perfect when she's happy
>And every time we argue, at the end she always breaks down and says that she loves me no matter what and that she always will
>Days pass of continual back and forth
>>29254599
>Until one night, I get angry, and get fed up with it, no longer can I deal with this
>We have a pretty significant argument about her future her, my own future, and I get pissed off again
>Get on the computer and start the flights booking process again, she's pleading with me with tears in her eyes for me to stop while tugging at my arm
>I hit enter and pay for the flights, she slumps down against the wall crying telling me she doesn't want to leave me ever and that she loves me more than anything
>I'm crying and saying that it's too late, the flights are paid for and I can't cancel them
>We both go to bed crying in each others arms, I love this girl with all of my heart but it hurts me so much to keep on doing this
>Wake up the next morning and we agree that I'll get a credit back for the flights, since she has to fly back to the USA anyway before her visa expires
>But this experience teaches us both nothing, and after a week or so the constant fighting just resumes
>But I still love her, even though it hurts me to do this
>A couple of weeks pass, and even though we set ourselves boundaries and told each other that we wouldn't threaten to break up with each other, it still happens
>The time comes for her to leave to go back to the US, we spend a night driving to Sydney, sleep in the car, and then I drop her off at the airport
>I can only go as far as the immigration gate
>We stop together and spend our final moments in each others arms
>She's tearing up and I'm shaking, I can barely handle this
>We hug for what seems like forever
>I step back and we look into each others eyes, she looks so distraught and upset that it hurts
>We hug and kiss for a final time once again and then I walk away, without looking back
>Possibly one of the hardest things I've done in my life
>I walk away, out of the airport, back to the car, pay the parking toll, and drive a long way away, back home
>>29242323
> I've been obsessing over a girl at my work for over half a year
> too pussy to talk to her
> see her around sometimes but she works in a different office
> by a magic stroke of luck she starts working in our office for a month
> is supposed to work exclusively with me on a project
> talk to her a bit on her first day in the office
> seems really nice, sweet and funny
> find out the next day she is married and is moving away after this month working with us
Fuck my life man. Found out she was married about 2 weeks ago. Been talking to her/working with her and shit, this girl is perfect for me. Her height, hair, ethnicity, clothes, face, personality, fuck. Her smile makes me melt. I am head over heels for her and there's nothing I can do to ever be with her. She can't ever know this either. I was fine this weekend, barely thought about her. I was over her until she joined us for lunch/break time today and just her talking to me makes me feel so happy, yet so sad at the same time because I know I can never have her.
I know there's other fish in the sea and it's possible I'll meet someone better, but fuck man.
>>29254787
cont?nobloxpls
I should have just told you i loved you two when there was still time.
>>29242472
>missed my bus home
>have to wait an hour
>will be home 3.5 hours after my work day is finished
>have to go to sleep 4 hours later so I can catch an early train
>literally my fucking face when it also started to rain
>somehow my phone managed to flip the entire image
>>29254787
>I walk into a very empty home and go and sit down for a long time
>I can still smell her perfume
>I walk into the bedroom and go and lie down on the bed that we slept in together, and go to sleep for a while before getting up and going to work
>After work, I come home to an empty home again
>I was so used to coming home and seeing her sitting in bed with her glasses on reading something on her phone, waiting for me
>It felt really empty to just see nothing there at all
>The next day, I wake up and she calls me on the phone like we used to, except the entire conversation seems a little off
>I talk her to sleep like I used to before she came to Australia, and hang up after I can hear her snoring
>I'm a little upset because she seemed off
>Then the next day, we talk again
>She hangs up the phone over an arbitrary piece of conversation, seems I offended her and she's playing games to test me again
>I'm not going to buy into this bullshit, so I ignore the phone for the next day, she blocks me on Facebook
>The next day I get a text message through Snapchat saying that we shouldn't be together, and despite the fact that she loves me and always will, we can't be together because I'm not old enough and don't have enough life experience and that I deserve better
>This happens while I'm washing the car, immediately break down and walk inside and sit down on the couch
>I'm a bit of an intermittent mess for the rest of the day, have to go to work and can't stop thinking about her
>Get home after work two hours ago and now the pain is downright horrible
>I'm scared to go to sleep because I know that all I'll see in the dark of my bed room is the silhouette of her sleeping next to me, that all I'll dream about is her jumping off that bridge into the Ohio River
And here I am. I will love her forever and ever, and never forget about the special moments that we had together.
I miss her so much.
>>29255128
she sounds like the one who needs to do some growing up. she abused your hospitality, your emotions and your dignity. and maybe she doesn't even recognise that.
but i understand, you're not alone. i'm sorry you had to deal with that, and that the pangs of pain will continue to last for quite a while after. maybe there's too much to tell, too much detail, too much personality you can't write down, but what did you see in her?
>>29255128
You're extremely emotionally attached to her. You need to let her go, man.
I was really attached to my gf I had for almost 4 years. Very similar situation to yours, constantly fighting, she was playing games and testing me all the time, but when we weren't it seemed perfect. You'll get over her just like I did, give it some time. Good luck friend.
>>29255412
how long did it take you m8?
how did you do it?
would take her back if she texted you?
>>29255128
I'm sorry, anon. That's heart wrenching.
It sounds to me like she's very emotionally fragile, and the pressure of living in a foreign country without an actual game plan (whereas, you are working and have shit going on) was just too stressful for her.
It also really sucks that the two of you uniting fell around your work trip, when she was going to have to spend three weeks, virtually isolated without a mode of transportation or anyone to talk to most days. Some people could tough that out, but that's a recipe for a rocky start.
It doesn't sound to me like the age difference/maturity level was the problem, but just the delicate vulnerability that the situation brought about. If she'd set herself up a little bit or had the wherewithal to put herself out there (i.e., get some kind of education or temporary work, idk if that's even possible over there for a non-citizen), she could have slowly built up a new social circle and started to have a life there. Instead, she leaned on you solely, and you're only in the position to do so much.
Maybe talk to her about these issues and work through them. Try things over again, but with a more comprehensive and thought out plan of attack.
Good luck, anon. It sounds like you really love this girl. But as with all LDRs (I'm in one of my own -.-''), they take an extraordinary amount of patience and work. It's a lot easier to get emotionally overwrought with someone you don't see all the time, like a regular bf/gf. You can drive yourself crazy wondering what they're thinking, doing, if they still care about you, or even like you. Throw that in with the social comfort that you've built with each other, and it doesn't take much for catastrophic fights to take place. Breathe, and remember that it's all one day at a time. If you can't bridge the gap, you weren't meant to.
I fucked my mind over with chemicals of all types including some not approved by the FDA and in doing so have permanantly impaired my mind. I have disassociated completely with reality, my memory is damaged, I cant concentrate or think deeply its like I have taken multiple severe concussions daily. Its time to die already and escape this self produced hell
>>29255476
It's a long story but I'll try to keep it short.
She broke up with me, maybe last year March/June time? We were long distance, and she basically told me out of nowhere "you're moving here or we're breaking up". I told her I needed time to think, then when I woke up I got her break up text.
I sent one back wishing her good luck to the future and stuff, obviously heart broken. Turns out she did it to test me, "you should have fought for me", I told her to fuck off. We were on/off for the next month or two then. She found a new boyfriend eventually, I was super jealous but took it like a man.
Months later after not talking and having her blocked, last November/December or something she sent me loads of texts/e-mails begging for me back because she couldn't love her new bf or anyone else. I sent her 3 paragraphs telling her to fuck off basically. I started dating again around that time as well so I had my mind on other things.
> how long did it take you m8?
4 months or something? We were on/off for a bit so that fucked me in the head a lot.
> how did you do it?
I spent a lot of time playing games with friends/going out with friends. Really kept my mind off of things. Once I started dating again I was completely over her, still am. Don't do it too soon though, or else you'll end up in a rebound. I completely cut her out of my life at one point, blocked her on pretty much everything, threw out all her stuff.
> would take her back if she texted you?
Hell no, fuck her. I can do so much better. Also, fuck long distance. Never doing that shit again.
>>29255128
I'm in almost exactly the same boat, but I'm in Aus and she's in your shitty continent.
>kept all her bedding so I smell her every night.
>wake up in the middle of every night and reach over, half asleep, expecting to find her.
>wake every morning after dreaming of her and find she's not there.
>have seen her for two weeks in the last eight months, but it's been going on since then.
Your last two sentences are exactly how I feel. Four and a half years for me, how about you?
