>>28978737
Cont.

I remember being onto the side of the class facing the window, the right side i guess.
Someone hit me and i fell down.
B was there, and this fat kid, lets call him M.
There were two more.
Fat kid was on my chest, jumping on me. B was doing something to my face. And another kid, called N, took me by the legs and just moved me across the class like a ragdoll.
The teacher came, they said sorry, but i felt so bad.
I was crying.
Okay, i'm the new kid, stuff happens, rough start eh?
Fast forward two months, something similar happens.
I was knocked out by B on the left side of class, i don't know why, i just remember looking at him while i was on the floor,, the teacher came and yelled at him.
School ended, and i proceeded to fourth grade.
During this time, i didn't go outside at all, i was in my house all day, and i got internet now.
I played a virtual game, with your avatar and stuff, i forgot the name.
I met a girl, she was from the Philipines.
I fell in love, she was the only hope left for me when it came to communication.
She was older than me, by a long shot.
I became clingy to her, so did she.
She used to tease me, made me cry several times.
She told me she hated me so many times, and i didn't know why, but she kepts coming back.
I knew every time she said it, i could lose her, my only friend, i could see El, but i can't look at the others in the face, i hate them.

>>28978867
Cont.
I loved her, or something similar to that, whatever my 9 year old mind understood atleast.
She was into the emo subculture, i just thought she liked black makeup and all that but really thats it.
I don't want to talk about it too much, its minor.
Then she said she hated me again, and i started crying, my mother blocked her.
I was so angry, i lost all sources of communication, i took a knife and scarred my arms.
I don't know why i did it, i knew she did it, and she told me ''she felt good'' I was stupid.
5th grade came, everything was the same, i was in the back of the class with El and me and him just talked.
I didn't like the N kid, i hated him.
He was agressive, he couldn't stand anyone in his way.
He pushed me so much in 5th grade, so i just couldn't take it anymore, and i said fuck you.
He grabbed me and threw me onto the black board, i held back tears, it hurt so much.
Everyone thought it was funny.

>>28978964
Everyone forgot about what had happened to me, but there were those moments when they just casually talked about it how they beat me up.
It was sixth grade, we said goodbye to our old teacher, and now we had specific teachers, english teacher, math etc etc.
I knew english the best in class, so did El.
They didn't pick on me, because they felt pity on me.
They went onto the Fat kid, not the one that bullied me, but another one, Lets call him Am.
Am was a good kid, he was fat but he was a good guy.
I remember him sitting in the last seat to the back, next to the window, the ''cute'' blonde kid was behind him. He was hitting him in the back with his fists and laughing with a Grin.
No one did anything, the teacher was drinking coffe.
Everyone knew what was happening, but they didn't do anything.

>>28978964
I felt such rage inside of me, i can't explain it.
Now i know what it was, Adrenaline.
I remembered what happened to me, i don't want this shit to happen to this kid too.
I got up and punched the kid.
Everyone just stood up and seperated me from him, the teacher came and took me by my hand.
I was going to the woman that used to evident (Not sure if this is a word) recent events.
While i was going down the stairs, everyone said im a psychopath.
We sat down onto the chairs, fat kid just stared at the table, bully started crying.
I told the teacher everything, and he just said:''He pushed me'' or some other shit he made up.
I came back up, everyone hated me.
I told on the popular kid.

>>28979143
I wasn't bullied anymore, but everyone hated me.
I had the face of a girl honestly, and i wasn't really a energetic kid.
People today tell me i had a shota face.
I was sitting at our language study, aka our native language.
Not sharing.
The fat kid from 3rd grade started insulting my mother.
I don't know why, but he had this huge grin on his face.
I told him to stop, my mother told me to solve everything thru talking, while my dad, told me to always respond with my fists, i listened to mom...
He was cocky, said ''What are you gonna do about it?''
I ignored him, after five minutes i just snapped.
I was writing in my textbook, i just got up and punched him, he fell of his chair with a bloody nose.
It didn't go so well for me, the teacher told me that i should never finish things thru violence.
She didn't understand anything.
I was being called psychopath again, it went on my nerves so much.
Why am i a psychopath?
Am i a psychopath?
What did i do?
I had to do it?

All of these questions filled my head when i was that young.
In 8th grade, all the girls hated me, i was an outcast.
I never really was social except with El, nothing much happened in it, i remained passive in it.

9th grade was the same as 8th, a few fights, but nothing too drastic.
During this time, i became suicidal.
I always layed down onto the table without writing anything.
The teachers always complained how i should sleep more.
I slept all night, during the day too sometimes.
I woke up with a dread in me, i didn't want to live anymore.
I had El,My computer and the internet, that was it.

I said the same things to my psychologist, and she just says i need to socialize.

What do i do /r9k/, am i broken to the point of no repair?

Highschool was the same as 9th grade, i remained passive/silent.

If you can't get meds, try someone who will, get some over the counter stuff.

>>28979433
What do i get?

oregano

Well first, you're definitely not a psychopath. You obviously feel enough emotion to feel the need to stand up to people when they are hurting others.
Even though psychos tend to have their own drive for their warped sense of Justice, you seem like a guy who just retaliates when it is the appropriate moment, when something is obviously wrong.

Two, I'm glad you were brought up by parents with differing morals, because now you have a good mix of them. Your way of thinking is in the clear. You should try to settle things with words like your mother taught you first, but if it really comes down to it, violence just works sometimes, although it becomes a double edged sword, where typically have more consequences of your actions.

You're not a bad guy. You just want to do what's right in your eyes. No one is suffering extremely from your actions except you. And people tend to don't like that, because sometimes it conflicts with their interests. That's just the world we live in, and it sucks. That's just life.

As for meds, they sure can help (I took anti depressants for a good while) but they get annoying and impair you after a while. You don't feel like yourself after a long time when you're taking them. But nonetheless, in the end I feel that you are justified in most of your actions. The girl thing was just human weakness though, but that's within okay parameters for people.

Just keep on truckin', OP.

>>28979465
Maybe some antidepressants. Although, maybe some introspection (reflecting on your actions and why you did them) would help. I'm no hippie or anything, but it helps me when I'm trying to clear up some stuff.

>>28979949
Man, thank you, you made my day better.