I need to vent a little, /r9k/. Every relationship I've been in, people have taken advantage of me, to the point where I have a lot of trouble trusting anyone. Even around people whom I know genuinely believe in being friendly, I find it hard to relax. The last person I let get close to me tried to change who I was, and seemed to directly get off on the fact that I didn't enjoy any of it, like she was just laughing at me until I kicked her out of my life.
Do any girls genuinely believe in actually loving their partners, or are all relationships just pissing contests like this? Are traps really better? I'm so fucking depressed, /r9k/, I hate what society's become, I hate that the only people who have a kind nature anymore are delusional neckbeards that are addicted to video games and distractions, and most of all I hate the fact that I don't want to fit into any of it.
I can't enjoy anything anymore, I don't let myself watch tv, play video games, spend money on good food or anything else. I've been selling off all the remains of my childhood on eBay, selling my paintings on the fucking street corner, devoting my extra time to coding and going to bed hungry.
I hate the way everyone treats me and looks down on me for not wanting to fit the mold. I hate the way that none of my friends ever do anything. I want to take all of my friends up on my back and carry them all to a better future, but everyone's so disillusioned that I feel like I'm wasting my breath.
The only girl who's ever been kind to me is dating another man, she left because I was too delusional, out in space, because I hadn't ever put my nose to the grindstone. And now that I am, I look at her and see how little she actually does, how bullshit it all was, and how she betrayed herself even when we promised each other we'd both make something beautiful of ourselves, how she was the most real person I'd ever met, how her life was a lie, but I believed it.
Just fuck my shit up.
how are they trying to take advantage of you? if every relationship you've been in ended in them being toxic, maybe it's not that everyone in the world is bad, but you're attracted to the wrong type of people or have a hard time seeing red flags?
>>28754924
Idealism is a long, hard road. Never ask if it will pay off. You're here, so I think you know the truth about female behavior. I wonder though, what's the point in vexing yourself over others plunging themselves into a world of escapism. You know perfectly well that there is more pain in life than pleasure. That the basic social needs of many people are never met. That they languish, alone. People might think similar things about you, for zoning out so much, analyzing things you couldn't possibly impact.
>>28755009
In the last relationship I was in, I dated a hacker I met at Defcon. I thought, wow, amazing, I'm gonna learn so much stuff.. But though he walked the walk, he was a psychopath at heart, and he was just using me as a bank account to launder bitcoins through, as someone to take a fall if he were ever in danger. He started isolating me from my friends, trying to change who I was, he stole shit and I had a hell of a time getting him out.
Before that, I'd been in a relationship with that girl who's been kind to me. I met her in high school when she was being molested by her dad and I hacked that asshole and used his dox against him to get custody, I helped her through the foster care system and she really loves me, but eventually a tension developed, neither of us were in full control of our destinies, and she took it out on me- instead of doing her own thing, she decided that I couldn't, either. So she started doing this insanely subtle manipulation, she would always discourage me and tell me I'm not good enough to do anything, to criticize her art or to code cool stuff. I'd try to start a project, she'd just look at me like I'm disgusting. I trusted her, so I let it cloud my judgement... and it gave me self-esteem problems and doubts about my own judgement that have made everything harder for me.
I just hate it so much.
>>28754924
I'm in the same boat, Anon. I've been ruminating about all this stuff the last few days also.
Women are by their nature manipulative and exploitative towards men. It's who they are. They are natural sociopaths; it's how the female gender has survived for hundreds of thousands of years. Sadly, if you're not socially skilled or have any kind of social impairment, you're better off just steering clear of them and removing them from your life altogether. It's the only safe thing to do.
I, too often feel that everyone who comes into my life does so only to manipulate and use me. I think it's a result of people viewing us as low-value: The "good" people stay away, for fear of injury by association; the only ones left are, again, the sociopaths who are drawn to us by what they see as an opportunity to profit from our naivete.
I've spent a large part of the last five years trying to learn everything I can about human interaction in the hopes of overcoming what appears to me an inborn social-skills deficit in me. I now understand how society and politics work a lot better, but I can't really say it's improved my life much. I no longer really believe you can develop social skills (or social instincts, let's say) post-infancy, beyond a superficial level. I think we autists really are just born to suffer.
My solution? I've completely given up on life and have become pretty much a complete recluse. There's nothing for me to gain by living and nothing I really want anyway. My only goal now is to stay comfortable so long as the money lasts. Once it's gone, so am I.
>>28755077
I understand why people do it, but I just can't let myself partake. Everything feels stale to me, I've been through politics, philosophy, religion, and the occult, I'm all up in the western esoteric wizardry and og hermetic qabalah, and I literally just am so fucking schizophrenic and burnt out by this point that half the time I wish I could close my eyes and disappear into space forever, but I can't bring myself to let go, I keep coming back because I feel like I have something I need to do, like fulfilling Pascal's Wager, perhaps out of habit and attachment
>>28755524
>all up in the western esoteric wizardry
I know those feels. The full rites of the Hilaria. Castration. Blood sacrifice. Ecstatic deprivation and celebration alike. Made me who I am today.
The world seems awfully dull. But being apart from it is only a reprieve, just as much a form of escapism as anything else. When the feeling is right, it's like your nervous system reaches out into an infinite horizon, touching everything, and you feel absolutely whole, despite losing yourself. Is that helpful to anyone. You want to stay. Something tugs at you. It's not hard to make a difference. Being unconditionally kind is more than most will muster in a lifetime.
>>28754924
As someone who has been were you are, your post reeks of persecution complex and you probably aren't as kind as you think you are.
So self absorbed you probably didn't realize when you offended your friend or made them feel small. I thought I was so nice to everyone because I wasn't confrontational but one day I looked back on my friendships and I usually
> passively talked shit and didn't expect it back
> flaked on others often
> never apologized because I was never wrong
> cut someone off the second they didn't do what I wanted
> refused to communicate because I didn't want to hear someone say I fucked up too
>>28755492
Do you mind sharing where you go to learn about human interactions?
