Boredom Quest
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You live in a shitty apartment and your life sucks. You're up to do anything.
Like, literally anything else other than sitting on your couch and reevaluating life decisions. You can rob a Mcdonald's, throw your neighbor's dog, make a mixtape, anything.
>>234727
Mitosis myself into two people.
>>234733
You try your best, but if you could do that, you wouldn't be living in a shit hole apartment.
You grow a tumour you instead.
>>234745
Unzip your pants and suck your dick.
>>234745
Watch cringe compilations to make you feel... "Better" about not being as bad as them.
>>234727
Check your bank balance. No matter what though, go to your Local Gaming Store and see what the kids are playing.
Acquire little toys to build and paint.
>>234748
You try to give yourself the succ but either your dick is too small or you have poor flexibility.
Nevertheless, Tumour is ashamed to be genetically related to you.
>>234767
Ask the tumour what his name is.
>>234758
You aquire a toy building set and head to the store. A fuck ton of hubs show up.
Your bank balance is now $112.57
You have a toy building set in your inventory.
The games that are popular with the young kids are: Tank Game, It's Just Boobs, Fucko Quest, ShartBuild, and Shitty Indie Game.
>>234773
Tumour says he'd like to be called Rando
>>234795
Unzip your pants and make Rando suck your dick.
>>234795
Go outside and eat garbage.
>>234727
How about cutting off rando or whatever his name is
>>234807
You try to make him suck your dick, but doing this in a public area is a horrible idea.
>>234819
S'cool. We should make him wear the wig and lipstick first, tho.
>>234816
>>234808
You decide to get rid of him, but you don't have a sharp object with you. You rummage through the garbage and find a plastic knife. You get a little hungry so you eat some of the garbage.
The combination of eating disgusting garbage and sharp pain surging through your body makes you utter a horrible scream.
Yup, someone called the police.
>>234846
Well, now that he's off, find that wig and lipstick.
Gonna make Rando look reel purdy, hurhurhur...
>>234846
commit sudoku
>>234795
Let's try it's just boobs
>>234853
Unfortunately, you don't have any wigs or lipstick on you, so you use the paint set to paint some on Rando.
Flawless
>>234861
You trip on the garbage you threw and accidently landed on your knife.
Number of times died: 1
In this run at your life you:
>Grew a tumour you named Rando
>Bought a paint and build set
>Comitted public indecency in a game store
>Ate garbage
>Cut off your tumour and painted it
>Commited accidental seppuku
>>234913
Move on to another life to ruin.
Fortunately, you invested in the latest reincarnation technology, which is why you're so broke.
Roll a d4 to see who you'll be reincarnated as.
1. You again
2. A mom
3. A baby
4. A bird
Rolled 3 (1d4)
>>234921
Rolled 2 (1d4)
>>234921
Hoping for 2. A mom
Rolled 4 (1d4)
>>234921
Rolled 4 (1d4)
>>234921
>>234923
You reincarnate as a baby! Your parents are out, so fuck up as much shit as you can.
>>234934
poop in diaper
>>234934
So we have a chance to live our life all over again? Is it like a time-travel situation?
In any case let's take advantage of our relative cuteness and non-threatening apparence. Let's touch some BREASTS MOTHERFUCKER.
>>234934
Run for president of the United States
>>234940
Times shit pants: 1
>>234944
No one's in the house, so your hands lay boobless.
>>234951
You try, but you can't find a way to leave the house.
>>234934
drool onto socket
>>234958
Smear poop into a smiley faces on wall.
>>234961
>>234962
You smear poopy onto the wall, and later decide that the socket looks rather delicious. It shocks you and you die!
Number of times died: 2
Number of times shit your pants: 1
In this run at your life you:
>Shit your diaper
>Smeared poopy faces onto the wall
>Made out with a socket
I hope none of you become parents if you can kill a child this quickly jesus christ.
>>234958
Try to use a computer or a phone to communicate to the world how much of a prodigy we are. I mean we're a baby with an adult-ish level of intelligence and knowledge right?
>>234983
Proceed to decay and host maggots.
Roll a d4 to see whose life you'll live next.
1. You from your first life
2. The dictator of a third world country
3. A child who slipped into a gorilla enclosure
4. A seagull
Rolled 3 (1d4)
>>235001
>>235004
oh god
>>235004
You are reincarnated, and all your life choices led up to you being a child getting stuck in a gorilla enclosure.
What do?
>>235021
back away slowly
>>235021
beat my chest Tarzan style
>>235021
Shout "fucking shoot it you lazy shits I'm going to die if you don't blow it's for damn brains out right fucking now"
>>235021
Die horribly by angry gorilla.
Be thankful you didn't get the baboon pit.
>>235039
>>235038
You back away and shout, but these two things are what causes a gorilla to chimp-out! Everyone knows that!
Are you fucking retarded?
challenge gorilla to a d-d-d-d-duel
>>235050
There is a chance you could survive! Roll a d3 to see how you'll end up.
1. End up unharmed
2. Get injured
3. Die
Rolled 2 (1d3)
>>235069
I would choose die, but whatever.
Rolled 1, 1, 2 = 4 (3d3)
>>235069
3333333333333
Rolled 1, 2, 2 = 5 (3d3)
>>235105
Shig.
Rolled 3, 3, 1 = 7 (3d3)
>>235108
Give me a 3, dice gods!
>>235080
Sorry niggas, he rolled two.
He beats you up, but you manage to survive the ordeal. The gorilla gets shot, and the crowd screams.
What now?
>>235119
Check if make gorillas really do have a 2 inch long penis
>>235119
Scream to mom about climbing into the baboon pit, then do it. She'll be too busy talking to the policemen to notice.
>>235119
When you get rescued whisper to whoever rescues you "that's a spicy meat-a-ball" then pass out
>>235122
Holy shit. it's huge
>>235129
For you.
>>235129
Unzip your pants and make media history.
>>235129
Suck it.
>>235129
Become the alpha of the other gorillas
>>235135
>>235136
>>235139
You do that because y'all are sick as fuck. You are forever known as the kid who fucked the dead gorilla. Your mom disowns you.
>>235127
>>235128
As you get rescued, you whisper "that's a spicy meat-a-ball" And scream about going into the baboon pit.
But your concussioned ass, instead of screaming it, actually followed through with falling into the baboon pit.
You are now stuck in the baboon pit.
>>235179
1v1 the baboon
>>235179
Get the upper hand and clock the baboon in his jaw.
You are Rocket Man, rapist of all creatures.
>>235179
U N C A N N Y
N
C
A
N
N
Y
>>235184
>>235185
>>235198
Roll a d5 to see what the outcome of the fight is.
1. You win, but you're hurt
2. Baboon wins
3-4. You die
5. Baboon gets shot
Rolled 5 (1d5)
>>235244
>>235248
Goddamn it.
WHY CAN'T WE DIE
>>235248
The baboon gets shot before you can even land a hit, which is kind of a let down because you really wanted to fight it.
>>235258
Dice gods have more sympathy towards children than you do, apparently.
>>235264
Become the reaper of zoo animals. Get as many animals shot as much as you can.
>>235264
Might as well molest the baboon before we get rescued.
Come to think of it, aren't there more then just one baboon in a baboon pit? If I was a stupid kid trying to die from an enraged primate, I'd be pissed at the lack of baboons.
>>235277
You become kind of a psychopath so you decide to rustle another baboon. Also I'm a lazy fuck
This time, roll a d6
Rolled 4 (1d6)
>>235283
This thread is gold. Thank for making m laugh, OP
>>235286
You got lucky the first time. Did you really think, as an injured child, you could fight a baboon and win?
You finally die
Number of times died: 3
Number of dead primates raped: 2
In this run at your life you:
>Got trapped in a gorilla enclosure
>Rustled a gorilla
>Survive getting beaten up by a gorilla
>Get a gorilla shot
>Commited necrophilic rape on a dead gorilla in front of a crowd of onlookers
>Get rescued
>Fall into a baboon pit
>Get a baboon shot
>Rape a baboon
>Fight another baboon
Rolled a d4 to see who you'll live as next:
1. The Roswell alien
2. A robber
3. A kid at school
4. A pelican
Rolled 1 (1d4)
>>235341
Rolled 2 (1d4)
>>235341
>>235346
ayy lmao
>>235346
LET THE PROBING BEGIN
>>235352
As much as you would like to probe some juicy ass, you are locked in a cell! You must find a way to escape!
>>235363
Call the jailer and say "ayyy lmao"
>>235363
Pull out the laser gun you hide in your ass.
>>235363
Were we read our rights? What have we been charged with?
>>235363
Probe your own alien ass. The scientists will be fascinated and might assume you're trying to communicate.
>>235363
summon the you-eff-oh
>>235366
You pull out the object in your ass. Turns out it's your hand-held probing device, not your ray gun. You left it in the saucer.
>>235372
We technically did
>>235370
That's a vent you knob.
>>235397
Turn it on dangerously high, and use it to shatter the bulletproof glass of your cell.
>>235397
Switch vibration mode to molecular destabilizer and disintegrate the door.
>>235397
Insult any passersby, calling them transspeciesphobes, ensure they check their cisspecied privilege
>>235402
You turn it to the highest setting, "Anal Holocaust" and probe the glass. It explodes into an alien-sized hole in an instant.
>>235430
WELP
PROBIN' TIME
>>235430
And there are other aliens here seems like.
>>235430
Switch it back, and sheath our weapon
Run like hell
probe them all.
No survivors, only probed anuses.
>>235436
>>235448
>>235460
You run down the hallway and probe the guards. You leave the device on the highest setting because fuck them for imprisoning you.
ASSES PROBED: 4
>>235470
MORE ASSES
MORE
>>235470
Make a run for your ship.
Probe ones anus large enough to climb into and wear him as a disguise.
>>235470
plug into ground and probe earth
>>235438
You see that there are others trapped like you. The guards are coming, so you can only save one
Roll a d4 to see which companion you choose
1. Werewolf
2. Vampire
3. Femalien
4. Zombie
Rolled 1 (1d4)
>>235496
Rolled 3 (1d4)
>>235496
Fem!
Rolled 2
>>235504
You decide some brawn would be helpful, so you enlist the werewolf as your companion. He joins your side as repayment.
Ride the werewolf!
For glory!
>>235523
ride the wolfo
>>235532
Use probe as a spur!
>>235532
>>235545
You ride the werewolf! As you ride you get out your prober and probe anyone who dare stands in your way.
ASSES PROBED: 23
>>235561
Call the mothership to come save you
>>235561
Ask the Werewolf if he wants to probe us after this is all over
>>235570
Fortunately, your prober is also a communicator. After dialing the mothership, you have to wait about an hour before they arrive
>>235601
Turn probe level down and probe self to kill time
>>235601
Take selfie with werewolf.
>>235601
Get the Werewolf to probe us
>>235601
While waiting you see them send in seal team 6 to contain you.
>>235604
>>235610
>>235612
>>235613
You probe yourself a little, but then a commando arrives! Oh no!
Get ready to roll
>>235636
rolling
>>235647
kek
Anyway. roll a d4
1. You win
2. Werewolf dies
3. You managed to destroy that ass while they fight
4. Both of you die
Rolled 3 (1d4)
>>235656
>>235660
god bless you
>>235665
While they fight, you sneak by and probe that ass to smithereens. Literally. He will never his ass ever again. You and werewolf escape relatively unharmed.
ASSES PROBED: 24
Wow this is perhaps the most successful incarnation so far.
>>235690
Probe dat sexy alien gurl ass, iffin youse gets my meanin'...
>>235690
Can we... can we probe the planet itself?
>>235690
So... is the mothership here yet?
>>235755
We have 52 more minutes before it arrives.
Meanwhile, here's the US army
>>235777
Send werewolf off to save himself. We must commit the ultimate sacrifice.
>Plugs Probe into the fusion reactors, starts to insert into ass.
>>235777
Actually you know what?
This is a cliffhanger. I'm going to bed. See you all tomorrow.
>>235777
Probe the ground under the army
>>235789
fuck you man, fuck you
>>235788
The werewolf ushers you into the building. He knows of the core inside the facility. If you find some way to blow it up, the human's tyranny can end.
He says he can handle the army. Go save your friends.
>>236550
After some searching, you find the core. For some reason, it has a "release prisoners" button, which is retarded but you press it anyway.
The now free aliens and other cryptids raise their probes and start their revenge!
ASSES PROBED: 121
>>236554
You plug your probing device into the machine. As per standard alien probes, all probes contain a core destroying virus in case of any alien kidnapping situation. You are the masters of handy!
>>236556
There is no way to get out of the building before it explodes.
You already accepted your fate. You take a deep breath...
>>236558
You exhale... and...
>>236559
PROBE YOUR WAY TO VALHALLA (or the alien equivalent)
>>236560
You die a hero. Your race will remember you for eons to come.
>>236564
See you later, space alien
>>236565
>>236566
>>236568
An hour later, on a nearby plateau.
>>236569
Werewolf, who managed to survive the ordeal within an inch of his life, and the Alien Leader, watch as the facility burns to ash. A monument to humanity's tyranny razed to the ground. All thanks to the valiant efforts of one single alien.
All the aliens chant the holy phrase:
>>236571
"ayy lmao"
>>236573
You are remembered for generations. A lone alien who challenged the humans and came out victorious! An aspiring tale that soon became legend! You are a hero!
Number of times died: 4
Number of asses probed: 597
In this run at your life you:
>Broke out of a secret government facility
>Probed a fuck ton of asses
>Befriended a werewolf
>Challenged a commando and probed his ass
>Fought an army
>Liberated an entire race
>Destroyed a secret government facility
>Died in an explosion while having a probe up your ass
>Became a legend
RIGHTEOUS DEATH!
Now that's what I call a death! Every time you have a death of heroic quality, you earn a lot of shit!
TROPHY EARNED: 1st Place Prober!
TITLE EARNED: Ayy Lieutenant
CRONONS EARNED: 350
Nice job!
Damn son that was an epic death.
>>236586
What are Cronons? Are they some sort of afterlife cash or are they just the legendary alien's posthumous earnings?
>>236616
Yes, it is afterlife cash, but you currently do not have enough to buy anything of value!
So for now, roll a d4 to see who'll you live as.
1. Teacher
2. Superhero
3. Zombie
4. Pigeon
Rolled 3 (1d4)
>>236681
birb get
>>236696
You arise from your slumber. A virus has risen you from your grave. You hunger for FLESH!
What do you do?
>>236723
Eat flesh.
You are fleshy.
Eat yourself.
>>236729
You eat your hand and find out it tastes like a moldy semen sandwich. You don't spit it out because you're starving.
You lose a hand in the progress.
>>236742
go make a semen sandwitch, let it get moldy and then eat it.
>>236749
You don't have any semen sandwiches to let go moldy, so you politely ask a bystander for one.
>>236771
Since we're already dead, why don't we kill ourselves so we become un-undead? surely it works that way?
>>236777
You kill yourself to see if this is true. It's not.
Number of times died: 5
Number of people bitten: 1
In this run at your life you:
>Ate your hand
>Turned someone into a zombie
>Impaled yourself
>>236794
Roll a d4 to see what you'll as next.
1. McDonald's worker
2. Walmart employee
3. Mall Santa
4. Stork
Rolled 4 (1d4)
>>236812
>>236820
You are reborn as a stork in Central Park. You have a severe hatred for all humans, and you wish to cause them pain however you can.
What do?
>>236841
Train yourself in preparation to become the first bird to fly into space and be a bird legend.
steal food from people in the park.
>>236841
shit on literally everything you see.
>>236841
shit on a person
>>236856
Shit on the people while stealing food
>>236850
>>236856
>>236866
>>236874
>>236879
You steal food and shit on as many people as you can find. You plot to go to space and annihilate the earth, but you're a stork, so that can't really happen. It's still fun to think about.
>>236888
Deliver babies to parents
But drop a few
Get laid off from the stork factory
Head back to your wife with the bad news
Suicide.jpg
>>236888
find an aliens vibrator/communiccator
>>236888
Cute lil stork befriends joe at nuclear plant for 'oops meltdown' adventure?!
>>236896
You heard of some facility that blew up. If you can fly there, you can most likely kill a few humans with the technology there.
Suddenly, an angry pedestrian decides he had enough of your storkshit! He starts to battle. Roll a d4!
>>236912
Whoops forgot to describe.
1. You die
2. You flee, but manage to shit on him
3. Flee
4. You behead him
Rolled 2 (1d4)
>>236912
>>236918
You flee, but you manage to get some shits on him! Now to that facility
Rolled 1 (1d4)
>>236916
4 for the glory of Allah (PBUH)
>>236936
If that isn't ironic, I don't know what is.
Anyway, you land at the site, and after some rummaging, you find some strange vibrating device. Smells like ass, but you're a stork so you don't give a shit. You guess you can use this as a weapon.
What now?
>>236943
Become vibrating stork... huge circus attraction.. use celebrity status to rape women, and/or become a comedian.
>>236957
this while screaming about howaito piggus (assuming we are a oriental stork, next time specify the subrace or whatever of the bird pls OP T.birdfag)
>>236968
whoops, meant for >>236957
>>236955
You accidently swallow the device, and you become a vibrating stork. In hopes of infiltrating human society, you enter the circus under the guise of "Vibratio (tm) the Vibrating Stork"
You immediately become a celebrity! Using your high status, you are able to go anywhere.
Plan your terrorist attack.
>>236984
This stork is fabulous, become a stripper and lure hopeless 50 year old virgins in to the alley to kill.
Kill them by vibrating their anus to shreds.
>>236984
Terrorist attack? oh well, then we're going to need to form a group of like minded storks for world domination.
>>236989
You become a stripper, and you annihilate virgin's dicks off with your vibrating anus.
But oh no! The cops find you and put you in jail!
>>237011
Shit out the vibrator and use it to tunnel out of jail.
>>236984
Get on the International Space Station and shit probe in it. Vibrate it to pieces.
>>237011
Fantastic, time to go fuck with Hulk Hogan in the dining hall.
Give him the SUPPPER SLAM.
>>237011
use the probe-vibrator to destroy the bars on the windows and fly to freedom.
>>237011
write the 'Stork Manifesto' in jail which leads to your eventual release by violent uprising.
>>237016
You shit out the probe, but the probe was made for destroying ass.
Your screams attract guards.
>>237043
probe the guards as they unsuspectingly carry you to the infirmary.
quickly! use the propulsion of a destroyed ass to charge at the guards!
>>237043
slowly bleed to death because prison guards don't give a fuck about prisoners... that or be shot by guards for 'resisting'
Activate pocket blood!
Throw blood in their eyes and steal the keys.
>>237049
You rustle with a guard as they take you to the infirmary. Roll a d5!
1. You blind him with ass blood and you flee with the keys
2. You destroy his ass and steal the keys
3-4. You die
5. You consume him with the keys
Rolled 5 (1d5)
>>237084
>>237092
oh GOD, what have you done?!
lets hope it was a keyCARD.
>>237096
imagine the gains from constant muscle stimulation (the vibration) and the protein absorbed from the guard...
>>237092
Best outcome.
>>237092
You somehow EAT the man whole, along with the keys...
uh...
You have to get them out somehow. The guards shouldn't be a problem. Would you really fuck with a stork that can eat you whole?
>>237125
"Would you really fuck with a stork that can eat you whole?"
Exactly. Use intimidation and fear for release from prison. (El Chapo Storko)
>>237125
just tell the other guard to give you his keys if he is really scared of you he will comply.
>>237136
They release you out of fear of being eaten. You are now a free stork, but... you have nothing. You're back at square on. This depresses you a little.
pray to the avian gods for a blessing.
>>237150
That tree over there looks tasty.
You should eat it and consume its powers of growth.
>>237150
write a book about your adventures
become rich
use money to hire mercs to overthrow some small government in africa for you
develop space program using funds acquired from selling said governments natural resources and taxes
fulfill your dream of going to space and destroying humanity.
>>237156
You pray to the gods, that somehow, someway, you'll find a way to reinvent yourself
>>237150
Become mercenary/assassin 'stork for hire'.
>>237168
They smite you down because you were an atheist.
>>237173
Survive the lightning to become the Bird Flash
>>237173
Serves you right for praying to a goose god. They're the pissiest gods in the universe.
Number of times died: 6
Number of shits taken: 892
Amount of food stolen: 734
Number of humans killed: 86
In this run at your life you:
>Stole a shit load of hot dogs
>Shat on an angry pedestrian
>Swallowed an alien device
>Joined a circus as a vibrating stork
>Became a celebrity
>Turned into a prostitute in order to destroy men's dicks using your vibrating ass
>Went to jail
>Shat out an alien device
>Destroyed your asshole
>Consumed a warden
>Escaped-ish from prison
>Angered bird gods
This is the strangest fucking adventure I have ever created. What in the living fuck.
You earn +150 Cronons for becoming a celebrity and managing to survive being in a jail.
>>237197
This is the best quest thread i have seen.
can we get anything good with out 500 cronons?
>>237197
i've loled my ass off to this OP, pls keep going
>>237212
>best
>this
You have reeeaaallly low standards. Anyway, roll a d4 for your next life.
1. The boss of a local walmart
2. Nuclear power plant worker
3. The Easter Bunny
4. A hobo
>>237219
Funny you should ask! For 500 CN you can roll a d6 and get a special item with your reincarnation! You can choose to purchase a random item, or you can save up your CN.
>>237233
How much would it cost to buy a strap-on head-nuke so we can NUT some fuckers in to oblivion?
Rolled 2 (1d4)
>>237233
I dunno about you, OP, but I'm dying here.
I can already see where this is going. Steal some spent rods and sell them to Iran.
>>237239
You just need to buy one roll. You could get a god tier sword, or a used condom. Your choice. Do you want to spend 500 CN, or keep it for a better roll? (better chance for a better item)
>>237254
I'd say save up.
>>237262
Yeah save up.
So, like, if we get 1000 CN, would we get a 2D6 or D12?
>>237274
the odda are the same, that'd be stupid
>>237274
It cost 500 CN to get a 2d6.
If you save up for 1000 CN, you get an exceedingly better roll. For example, 500 CN will get you common household items and maybe a chance for a weapon. 1000 CN will get you a roll full of melee weapons and a chance for a bazooka. And so on.
>>237290
You are a factory worker. Your job is to manage the cooling pools full of uranium isotopes. You're fed up with your life and you could care less what would happen.
What do you do?
>>237290
>save up 5000 CN
>recieve an aircraft carries
dick status: muh
>>237296
Remove mask, reveil that we are Homer Simpson.
>>237296
steal some uranium and sell it to iranians of course!
>>237296
Do it for her.
>>237302
Motherfucker we're gonna get cancer now.
dive into the isotopes, become mutant.
>>237302
You take off your mask to reveal that your...
joel sink
*shitty recorder version of john cena theme*
>>237296
Contact ISIS, they pay good money for this material!
>>237317
Put spent rods in hat, smuggle them out. If we're caught, repeat the process but use our ass instead.
>>237309
To be honest, it's about time that show went off the air. I love the old seasons, but it's gotten stale.
>>237309
>>237311
Yeah, you're right. We have cancer now, so fuck it. Let's become a mutant.
>>237319
>>237326
And we're going to smuggle rods to ISIS, we just have to get them out of the pools by jumping into them.
>>237337
uh oh, inside the radiation pools you find a pan-dimensional squid beast.
He looks pissed.
>>237337
Drink Water, become Nuqua Man
>>237337
now that we are a super mutant we should go to the gym and get /fit/. also sell the uranium to some kebabs.
>>237337
Roll a 2d6 to see which mutant powers you receive!
>>237355
OH i should probably mention we should do the whole squats and oats thing until we can clench so hard that our ass becomes unprobable. also dubs.
Rolled 2, 6 = 8 (2d6)
>>237361
Rolled 2, 2 = 4 (2d6)
>>237361
5 and 6 for maximum /fit/
>>237365
Talk about lucky! You steal some isotopes and fly to the Middle East. Who do we sell them to?
>>237386
the isis equivalent of kfc
>>237386
ISIS, or Pakistan... actually Pakistan
>>237386
Israel aka the jews
>>237386
Crazy Ahmed the used camel salesman.
>>237386
Sell them to Saddam.
He looks like a cool guy.
Never mind the rotting, it's just his style.
>>237386
the highest bidder, silly!
>>237393
>>237399
>>237403
You sell it to some random halalfc guy who offers you a pretty penny for it. You inadvertently started a civil war in which everyone is fitting for the isotopes. Whatever, you're pretty rich.
What do you do with all your money?
>>237424
We hire a group of fellow mutants, start a mercenary band, get money and bitches
>>237424
Make a moon base
>>237424
Buy a Futa Scorpion Girl. You need a companion.
