>>25436453
Hopefully you read the last three posts on your last quest.

Far away from the Equestrian continent lies Equanea, a land without harmony or discord, only what the fate which you make it.
You arrived here from the Ester Isle's, ready to find your opportunity and go on an adventure.
Making your way off the Marina you made your way to the registration office. Looking upon the melting pot of races all co mingling together in the harbor town. You squeeze past the crowd and get to the teller.
>" Excuse me sir? This is where I sign I'm yes"? You inquired. The elderly Earth Pony just lest out a sigh and hands you a paper.
" Jus' put Ye infamatiom on this paper and head to Donahue, he'll sort ya out".

>Who were you?
>Hawk the Hippogriff, humorous and a smooth talker.
>Bucklynd The Deer, Cool-headed and brave.
>Sapphire Sweep The Crystal Pony, Curious, and Kind.
>Terran Stronghoof The Alicorn, Trusting and Charitable.

>>25436659
Crystal pony can be an earth pony, Pegasus, or unicorn.

>>25436714
(Fuck! Sorry)!
Earth crystal Pony.

>>25436659
>>25436727
name

>>25436659
Crystal.

Sorry!>>25436750

>>25436659
Your grammar still hasn't improved.

>Only what the fate which you make it
>Isle's
>co mingling
>Looking upon the melting pot of races all co mingling together in the harbor town
Sentence fragment
>infamatiom
Normally dialogue doesn't have to abide by grammar rules, but seriously?

>>25436769
Also, "sign I'm yes"?
Question mark inside bracket as well as 'sign I'm'
>lest out a sigh

>Hands you a paper, You squeeze
>You inquired. Who were you?
Switching between present and past tense

I'm going to post my last few posts from your last thread to make sure you can read them.

>>25436817
>Before we can go any further I have to point out a glaring flaw in all of your work. You don't have any characters. Every single character that has been created in any of your quests are cookie cutter characters. They have no personalities, cliche motivations, no appearances, and excluding their name they can be replaced with any character at any time. The character we created at the beginning can be a earth pony, unicorn, changeling, diamond dog, gryphon, zebra, or anything else and it wouldn't have changed a thing. We have no idea on the current characters race, even though we can assume it's a crystal pony. Crystal ponies can also be earth, pegasus, or unicorn and the differences do matter. Also you never stated the gender.

>>25436817
>Also you failed to use Cutie marks properly. Cutie marks are related to a ponies special talent which has some deciding factor on their career and also relates to their name in most cases. The marks you have used thus far are nonsensical symbols that have about as much meaning as a normal tattoo and no special talents. If we also take into account that you also don't use the species innate magics it's almost bad enough that you'd be able to replace everything with humans without causing any inconsistencies.

>>25436817
The reason I suggested you do a random quest the last time I did this (I'm never using that name again) was so you could practice on your weak points without having to deal with the needless complexity of game mechanics and epic story lines. You need to work on the basics, you're trying to build a tower with no foundation here. Look at h&b guy's One Good Pint, he started out with an overambitious game based on Game of Thrones and when it failed he switched to a simpler CYOA to work on his problems. He had the opposite problems of you with terrible mechanics and slow pace with good characters and story. You have good mechanics (mechanics are borrowed from games all the time, but they do need to be tweaked a bit before they work) and a very fast pace (arguably too fast), but terrible characters and a non-existent story because of your lack of detail. I feel that there is still a slight chance to save this because of the new character, but if you fail or decide to end it and you decide to make a new CYOA make sure it's a short simple one, with as good of a sense of humor as you are capable of, that focuses on characters.

>>25436817
I'm sorry for not putting the Crystal Pony race, my bad.
>>25436836
>>25436842
I'm Focused on the characters this time okay. I'm making this simple.

>>25436862
Just making sure you read them.

>>25436869
Thanks. I'll attempt to not be a complete shit this time.

>>25436659
Hippogriff seems easiest to characterize, do that.

>>25436714
There was only one natural crystal pony that wasn't erf.
Said pony appeared in a short background shot in There's a Crowd and might as well have been an animation error.

>>25436906
False. While the majority are erf, there are certainly crystal pegasi and unicorns.
http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_Crystal_Ponies

>>25436906
I didn't notice that, but the Mane 6 were turned into crystal ponies and it didn't change them all to Earth so it must be possible to be races other than Earth and be a crystal pony.

>>25436933
>>25436936
The only crystal pony that hasn't existed before as normal pony was "Pegasus Crystal Pony royal guards". All others are already existing background ponies, which got crystallized thanks to the crystal heard in S3E02, just like the main six. The main six where only temporary crystallized.

>>25436884
You scribble down your information and pass the document back to the teller.
"All right everything seems in order, just head over to Donahue and you'll be set.
>Your claws and hooves clapped the harbor wood floor. As you bounded towards the Guild House at the top of the hill. You were taking in all nice salty sea air and the succulent looking catches being sold by the vendor's to customers. You finally get to the Guild House as you bound up the stone and push the large double doors open.
The interior was mostly woodcraft with stone at the foundation. The were a lot of races present. Some you knew while others completely foreign.
Some were playing cards, while some were drinking at a table. Near the back you spotted what must be your sponsor. The black and red banner with crossed Swords at the center.

>How do you make your first impression?
>Formal
>Humorous
>Tough Guy
>Other

>>25437028
Humorous.

>>25436997
They still have the crystal pony design and are not earth ponies.

>>25437075
You were Humorous.

You stroll across the room, your hooves clip cool across the hardwood floor. You walk over as the group halt their game of cards and stare at you taking in every detail from your brown hooves to your gold feather's.
" Hey, so your the new guy right"?
>"Sir yes sir! Let's get this party started, and kick some flank"!
" Ha I like this one! He's got that fire". A minotaur says clinging his mug with a dragon. He reaches into his pants and pulls out a Pouch and tosses it to you.
"Well greenhorn, use those Bits and get ready. Rex isn't one for disappointments".
Inside the bit Pouch is 50 bits and a slip of paper giving directions to the meeting point.

You better get ready for your teacher, wouldn't be good to go unprepared.

>Arm's and Armor
>Myst' Mysticism
>Gully's Necessities
>Rune's Relics

>>25437184
Crystallized ponies =/= Crystal ponies.

>>25437198
I am happy to see you still questing, Coltshan.

Do we have time to visit each of them in order, before meeting with our teacher? If so, I vote that.

>>25437198
Arms and armor.

>>25437198
Arm's and Armor makes the most sense, but looking into Gully's Necessities and Rune's Relics could be interesting.

>>25437394
(Thank you so much!)

'Well I've got plenty of time to kill before I gotta meet my mentor by the back gate'.
Inventory: 0\8
You wander to Arms and Armor to get 'Hopefully cheap' equipment. The smell of copper and other metals permeate's the shop. Lots of equipment was for sale.
>Arms
Dagger: 5 Bits
Hatchet: 12
Shortsword: 9
Staff: 6

>Armor
Leather Leggings: 5
Bandana: 2
Scarf: 4
Leather Vest: 10

>>25437537
Weapons or apparel won't take up inventory if equipped.

>>25437537
How about a Shortsword, Vest, and Leggings.

>>25437775
You purchased a shortsword, a leather vest, and some leggings. You put your new equipment on and head over to the other shops. The other stores were luckily side by side. You browse the wares thinking about what to get.

Bits: 26
>Myst'
Spell book: 6(Allows Hawk to learn magic).
Sapphire Ring( Magic +2).

>Gully's Necessities
>Body Rations: 0 x5(Free, restore full HP).
>Spirit Rations: 0 x5(Free, restore full MP).
>Herb: 1( Restore 10 MP).
>Sharp Stone( Increase weapon's Might by 1).

>Rune's Relic
Unicorn Necklace: 10(Allows Hawk to cast Magic).
Nhorse Rune: 5(Allows Rex to use Ancient Magic).

>>25437921
Are the Body Rations and Spirit Rations free?

>>25437944
Yes.

>>25437921
Who's Rex?

>>25437921
What's the prices of the ring, herb, and sharp stone? Also is the sharp stone a consumable and if so does it's effect have a limited duration.

>>25436453
>about our brave Hero
So a CYOA about how Hero wrote M&M's?

>>25437953
The one you have to meet at the Back gate.>>25437977
Ring costs 5
Herb cost 1
Sharp Stone is a consumable and permanently improves the weapons Attack power.

Sharp stone is 5 Bits.

>>25437921
Spell book, Unicorn necklace, Nhorse rune, Sapphire ring, and as many rations as we can carry.

>>25438416
With the last of your Bits you take your items and made your way through the streets to the back gate. You see the guards watching at the top of the wall. Seeing your mentor you approach him and you both study each other.
'What's with all the black'? The human just gives you a nod and scratches his small beard.
>" Well Mr. Hawk, it is time for us to be off, I never had trained a hippogriff before so this should be swell".
" Thank you sir". You chirped in response trying not to do something to anger him.
" Look, just call me Rex alright. I'm not even in my 30's yet". He lets out a sigh as he leads out from the city and into the flat seaside terrain, the smell salt still in the air.
After a few hours he orders you to make camp while he prepares to assess your fighting ability.
>"Alright, I want you to throw everything you got at me. You must fight as though you intend to kill me alright".
>"Um sure, just don't kill me alright". You let out a little chuckle as you ready your weapon.

COMBAT INITIATED!!! Defeat Rex!
Hawk
HP: 18
MP: 0
>Attack
>Item
>Other
VS.
Rex:
HP: 15
MP: 15

>>25438669
Did you really have to put a human in this?

>>25438669
>other?

>>25438751
You fly up in the air and try to dive and strike at him. But he blocks your strike head on.
>" Pretty good, using flight to your advantage, but it'll take more than that to take me out".
Rex takes a defensive stance.

>Hawk
>Attack
>Item
>Other(Think of something).

>>25438836
What does "Hawk" do?

>>25438870
Guaranteed Critical next attack.

>>25438891
Hawk

>>25438924
>"Hawk"!!! You zip past in nary a second slicing him, as hawk kneels over clutching his wound.
" Hell, not too shabby, not too shabby at all ".
VICTORY!
Hawk can learn 1 new skill!
>Mêlée Lvl. 1
>Magic Lvl. 1
>Bargain

>>25438991
Bargain

>>25439023
Hawk Learned Bargain!!!
He can buy things at 1/2 price!
PROLOGUE COMPLETE!!!

With your initial training complete, it was time to earn your keep. Two request's have been received from two villages.

The port village of Arbomare is plagued by piracy, while Deltrot was rife with mountain bandit's.
"Both would be excellent opportunities to improve your skills. I'll leave the decision to you".

>Arbomare or Deltrot?
Chapter 1A: Pirates!? Hide your Rum!
Or
Chapter 1B: Bandit's, it's always Bandit's.

>>25439106
How about pirates.

Hopefully this quest will have more opportunities for character interactions.

>>25439444
Hawk and his mentor Rex travel along the winding coastal road to Arbomare, a humble fishing village reliant on it's fish trade to prosper. However pirates from Hagfin Island have raiding the coastal towns up and down the coast. After 4 days on foot the duo reach Arbomare where Piracy may not be the only problem in the area.
...
Windy Sail Inn
" Well Rex when are we gonna nail these buckers?"?
>"Soon enough, but you will do so without me".
You cock your head to the side as you wonder the reasoning behind such an early departure.
" Sorry but there's a war going on in the mainland and I've been called to go fight. Don't worry I've another man to accompany you in my absence. Just continue helping around and your bound to make a few friends along the way". You both say your goodbye's as Rex sets off east towards the mainland. As morning rolls in you prepare to meet your new partner. The towns ponies wait with abated breath for what could possibly be another attack from the Pirates.

>What should hawk do?
Gambling?(Make some Money).
Rest? (Rest at the inn).
Look for your partner?(Maybe he got here early)?

>>25440004
Let's do some gambling.

>>25440029
An hour later and some lucky bets nets you about 30 bits. Great nothing's going on and your isn't here yet.
Suddenly a young Stallion throws the door wide open as he keeps over trying to catch his breath.
>"Th-there ha here.. Huff, Huff".
'Oh baby time for pirate beating'. You vault over the table as your hooves stamp the along the floor as you fly out and to the air. From your "birds" eye view(Inward chuckle), you see the naval predators wrecking the whole place. 'Time to save the day'!

>How do approach the naval marauders?
Aggressive?
Cautioned?
Defensive?

>>25440102
Aggressive.

>>25440158
You dart through the sky, the wind flowing through your feathers as you slash and slice through a group of them as you skit to a halt. ' Well these blowholes aren't too happy about me crashing te party'.

COMBAT INITIATED! Reinforcement in one then!
Hawk
HP: 15
>Attack
>Defend
>Item
VS.
Earth Pirate x3
HP: 22, 22, 22
Pegasus Pirate x2
HP: 16, 16

>>25440249
Attack the pegasai first so we can have air superiority.

>>25440321
"All right plucker let me show you how I rule the sky"! You propel yourself to the closest Peg as you exchange a few blows, your strength overpowering the Stallion, as you send him pirouetting to the hard unforgiving ground below. His comrade however made like a banana and split.'Coward'. Now a trio of the pirates remain. You can see a satyr has already started fighting the pirates.
Satyr Vance has joined the battle!
Hawk
HP: 14
>Attack!
>Defend
>Item

Vance
HP: 20
>Back up Hawk!
>Take out the enemy!

>>25440422
Attack the pirates from both sides.

Vance charge's to a pirate slashing him with his Sword, while you dive and strike another as he is sent careening into the water. The last one drops to his hooves begging for life.
VICTORY!
The Satyr hands the pirate over to the towns ponies to decide his fate.
"Hey the name's Vance. I'm hear to assist you in you venture".
>" Thanks Vance I hope we get along great from now on".
"Whatever you say. Well those pirates may still come back another day. We could go take them out but it would be very dangerous with the two of us.
So we can go after the pirates or play it safe and find an easier job".

>Do you pursue the Pirates?
Yes!
No.

>>25440586
Neither, we'll figure out where their hideout is from the captured pirates and prepare to attack them.

>>25440890
You head back to interrogate the pirate, and after a little "Persuasion", you know where the pirates weigh anchor.
" Hey Hawk some of the villagers wanna help us take on the bandits. There isn't enough room on the boat so you have to pick who's coming along".

You can hire 2 Soldiers to help attack the Pirate's.
>Anchor: Fighter
>Flynn: Fighter
>Zelda: Shaman
>Tallion: Monk

>>25440978
Can you give us more details please?

>>25441274
Anchor: A earth pony sailor hoping to save his village. Effective at coastal combat.

Flynn: A Diamond dog wanting to lend a helping hand. Strong but slow.

Zelda: A Zebra Shaman hoping to assist us with her arcane knowledge. Uses Magic.

Tallion: A griffon monk wanting to reclaim valuables stolen from the temple. Uses staff and healing magic.

>>25440978
How many can we take with us?

>>25441526
Two.

>>25440978
Can we get detailed physical descriptions for all of the characters present?

>>25441576
Their just background helpers for this mission.

Anchor is a registered mane with a blue coat.
Flynn is a a heavyset daimond dog wear an iron chest piece.
Zelda is slim and wears a brown cloak.
Tallion is a bald headed griffon wearing a monk's robe.

>>25441627
Then a description of the MC and sidekick.

>>25441767
Hawk has brown hindhooves, yellow feather's, and orange eyes.

Vance has black hooves, wears black pants, gloves, a white shirt, and B/w checkered jacket.
He is Charitable and Cold hearted.

>>25441807
Charitable and Cold hearted is an odd combination.

>>25441854
Indeed it is.

How about Tallion and Zelda.

With Tallion the monk and Zelda the Shaman accompanying Hawk to defeat the pirates once and for all, the group wades the ocean for two nights as they finally arrive at the pirate Hideout.
Dark clouds form as you pull your boat ashore and begin your task.
...
>"All right everyone, lets kick flank and try not to die"!
"Sure thing but try not to do anything stupid OK. I like living quite a bit".
" I'll try not to slow you down too much, just give an opportunity and I'll knock em to the floor".
"I hope my magic will prove to be a book to you on this battle".
...
Hawk's Troop
HP: 80

Which way shall you go?
>Along the beach.(Sneak)
>Take them head on!(initiate combat!)
>Take the high ground.( Investigate Poseidon's Shrine).

>>25442011
Sneak.

>>25442114
Your group sneaks along the shoreline and with some effect your allies manage to scale the rocks and to Hideout's main chamber.
Only a dozen of them inhabit the interior, defeating the pirates leader Eye Patch would likely cause to rest of them to disband. A Dealing is chained to a post near the throne.

>You have the element of surprise! What do you do?
Sneak Attack?
Charge!
...
Keep Vance in the battle group
Or
Send him to Rescue the sea Pony.

>>25442176
Dealing?

>>25442257
*Sea Pony. (Damn auto correct)!

>>25442278
Always read it before you post.

>>25442176
Sneak attack and pull them away from the seapony. We stick together.

Your Squad stuck together.

You take out four of the pirates before you are found.
"What the Pluck! You, quickly go get the boys now!"
Hawk's Troop
HP: 80
>Attack
>Hit em with combat skills!
>Blast em' with magic!
>Vance ready Ursa!

Vs.
Eye Patch's Buccaneers
HP: 240

>>25442367
Ursa?

>>25442395
Summon Ursa Minor in 4 turns. Vance can't act until summoning is complete.

>>25442405
While Vance summons an Ursa we'll open with magic until they get into melee range. Make sure to kill the one running to get reinforcements.

>>25442485
"Hah, Ursa I need your aid"! Vance has entered a trance as he focuses his magic.
>" All right! Hit em with magic"!
"Hoohah! Take this, Arrow"! Tallion lets out a barrage of magic Arrows pincushioning the runaway.
"Fall before my power"! Zelda casts Pain! The enemy is more vulnerable to physical attack's.
Patch's Buccaneers attack your Troop dealing 15 damage!
...
Hawk's Troop
50 HP
>Retaliate with combat arts!
>Magic once more!
>Protect Vance!

Vance
HP: 15
Ursa ready in one round.

>>25442561
Hawk attacks while Tallion and Zelda protects Vance.

"How about deez apples"!? You jump into the air spinning into a pirate knocking his weapon away as you take care of business.

Tallion & Zelda shield Vance from Patch's attack.
They took 20 damage!

"This is it, Ursa"! Vance raises his arm to the sky as a circle forms around the ground as an Ursa Minor crawls from the void.
...
Hawk's Troop
HP: 30
>We got em now, use combat skills!
>Turn the tide, use some magic!
>Let's heal up first.

Vance & Ursa
HP: 115
>Claw I
>Ursa Breath I
Vs.
Patch's Buccar
HP: 200

>>25442654
Heal up first and Have the Ursa swipe at them.

"Celestial Light, hear my plight "! Tallion casts Heal II! A soothing light invigorates you.

" All right Ursa take them out"! The blue star lets out a growl and it bears it's claw down onto Patch's Buccaneers!
...
Hawk's Troop: Vance has returned to the battle group!
HP: 70
>Combat Arts!
>Magic Arts!
>Flank the enemy!

Ursa Minor
HP: 100
>Claw I
>Ursa Breath I

Patch's Buccaneers
HP: 110

>>25442784
Flank, magic, and claw.

>>25442832
Tallion uses Arrow! His magic Arrows rain upon the pirates!
Zelda casts Thunderstorm! Dark clouds take shape as the Pirates are electrocuted by thunder!
Vance casts Earth I! Rocks and rubble compact together crushing the Pirates!
Finally Usra Minor finishes with a swipe of his claw!
VICTORY!
With their leader gone, the remaining pirates scatter with the wind.
...
Well, you have completed your objective, anything else before you leave.
>Sea Pony
>Poseidon's Shrine
>Ship Dock

>>25442895
Rescue the Seapony and then check out Poseidon's Shrine.

Heading to bed so I'll just leave a critique here:
Thus far you've pushed us from one quest to the next which hasn't given us any chances for character interaction or development. Your combat mechanics are very lazy and lacks a lot of detail. We have no way of knowing what our characters are capable of, we don't know what any of their skills are or any of their stats, rounds were ignored (the Ursa needed 4 rounds, but we got him in 2), we have absolutely no knowledge about the enemies we're facing or the environment we're in, and it would be nice to actually have some control over what the characters are doing. If some miracle occurres and somebody decides to make some fan art for your quest they won't be able to because we have to ask you for the details of every character and even then what details you give us are lackluster.

You hurry over to the weapons cutting her free.
"Thank you brave warriors for saving my life, I owe you my life".
>" What!? No, no, no, we couldn't just leave you here and besides it was the right thing to do". Hawk states humbly at such an offer.
"Sure, sure whatever makes you happy". Vance pulls her out of the shallow pool and carries her along.
Reaching the temple, she sings a little tune as a mechanism is heard churning as the doors open up. The interior featured high polished ceilings and more than a few marble columns. After following the Sea Pony to the main chamber, she unlocks a box a box pulling out a book.
" This book belonged to Cool Stream, a very powerful River Sage. You may borrow this for your travels, and Poseidon has released me into your servitude Master Vance, do with me whatever you wish".
You got Water Spell!
Aqua The Sea Pony has joined Vance's Battle Group!.
Upon inspection of the basement level, you discover a ship the pirates forgot to escape in. Everypony files in as you set off into open waters.
After dropping off Tallion & Zelda you were really needing a break so you sale to Pohrt City to relax for a while, and get to new your companion's better.
...
>Hang around in Pohrt.
Pub
Café
Park
Pier
Wrench' Mechanical Maarvel
Guild House
Theatre