OK, ok, I know its probably (haha, its 4 chan. omg. so it is isnt't it..) a bad place to cry for help, but after i talked it out with my dearest friends and got their opinion, maybe you can help me too..
OK, long story short - as short as i can i promise:
me is a 22yo lesbian, in a relationship, I live with my parents, who are a very deeply religious, Catholic people, raising their kids(me, my younger brother, sister - they are on our parents side on this whole thing..) that way, blahblah<-you got the idea. (this is essential to say I guess) So im in a relationship for about 4months and all that time of course i didnt tell them, I was trying to preapare myself for this moment to come (omg, seriously, i was even reading a 'wikihow' articles for fks sake) I thought i knew exactly how their reaction will look like, I knew that they were 'feeling something is wrong with me' during that period of time (oh and they knew that I have a lesbian friend and they 'didnt like that you're seeing that kind of people') so I was lying about where and with whom I was going out, cause I didnt want to worry them. Seriously now I know how shitty it was but i cant dig in the past now. That day I was going with her and her parents to the opera, so i said im going out with a group of my friends, but she will be there too, hello, im going just dont freak out, and it was almost perfect but then they showed up at the end to 'pick me home, chat with my friends, haha, were such a great parents'. They saw me+her+her parents, I saw them, said goodbye to the other guys, and went to face the worst thing ever. I know that the fact I was lying all the time probably made the whole thing even worse, my parents was hurt, and the reality - hiohh now you know i got a girlfriend - hit them so fast and pretty hard..
>>5759957
OK, I know that i should write it in a simpler and more concise way. OK ill try. So: I feel psychologically blackmailed (google translate but youll get the idea), they talk things like 'youre lost, you got a problem, your ill, but you can be cured' | 'its not normal, do you think its normal, two girls together, arent you smart enough, your a biology student, is it normal?' | 'the way you talk to us, you think youre so smart, and were your stupid parents' | 'I gave birth to you, I raised you, and thats how your saying thank you?' | 'were a family and you treat us like shit, no respect at all, thinking only about yourself' | 'cant you see youre hurting us, is it normal?' and worse, more, and worse, all over again, all the time, for the past 7 days. My mother even found a 'place where they can help me', a 'psychological clinic', christian one, of course, they can help and cure me, there will be meetings, ill go and theyll cure me, i got a problem.
I fucking love my parents. Im hurt, when i see them taking it so bad and that they cry and say those things. Ill try to talk to them, I say, no matter what i say, they do not listen 'I got a problem, why i cant see i got a problem, why am i denying it, I have to take care of this, I need to be cured'. But its my life, right? I cant fucking live the live they would love to see me in, thats my choice to make.
So now im writing this, thinking about moving out for some time to my friend, maybe this will only make the things worse, maybe the distance will help? It will help, righ? I dont know how long should i stay there, even what should i take with me? Its winter now, so some warm clothes, money, phone etc, but seriously, i dont even know for how long i would go, you cant predict that i think, so what with my stuff i leave at home? Am i a stupid person thinking about it now? Or not? I mean, Im so scared of my life now.. i dont even know what i want you to say to me, so why do I write that for?
I'm not reading that shit, type like a normal person.
>>5759960
haha yee ive tried that but i caant
im not a 4chan person i mean i dont know how to write things in here if theres a way show me how ill try my best i really want to
>I live with my parents,
There's your problem.
Second problem: You're an emotional trainwreck.
Until you have a stable job, a place of your own, and aren't one step from going full beta uprising, you will get no peace from this life.
>>5759965
You lurk, or you get your mouth crapped in. Or sometimes both.
>>5759971
Unfortunately I dont have a stable job, im a student and all i could do now is giving private lessons, but its not very well paid, not to be able to have your own place going; but I can stay with my best friend and share the costs of living at her parents house..
Second problem - if i get out of home, it will get better, right? I mean i know it wont disappear, but distance from the toxicity I feel can make it less hard to bear, right?
>>5759991
Girl, you're a train wreck and a disaster waiting to happen. Get yourself some friends who've had similar experiences and can help you out on a more consistent basis. I've been in your situation, and I can tell you that the older you get, the less you will care about what your parents think of you. You sound okay, but you need a more stable and friendly relationship than anons can give you in one thread
start saving. finish school. keep your head down and stay busy outside of the house/whatever. it seems like they don't just flat out hate you, so maybe if you apologize for keeping it from them, you won't have to leave until you're better prepared. the world sucks, people can be a lot meaner than asking if there's something wrong with you, and not having to pay to be someplace could help you in the long run immensely
Maybe if we knew where you were from that might help?
I know you love your parents more than they deserve. Start seeing them as your enemies.
>>5760001
Also, to clarify, you're not personally a train wreck. The situation is the problem because you have shit parents who are so selfish they'd take ideology and some vague recognition of righteousness by their peers over their own daughter's happiness.
I don't want you to think that you're the problem.
>>5759959
Sorry to hear you're going through that. Many parents, including my own believe criticism is how you deal with the issues they have with their children. Without realising how hurtful it is, how painful it is for the child who is made to feel like they themselves are nothing but a mass of problems. Well you're not. You're just taking the brunt of parents who believe they are doing what's best. Stay in contact with whoever keeps you feeling well and makes you feel welcome for who you are.
Don't ever feel bad about who you are. I was outed at 13 and my whole social group made me feel like a nonhuman, just because I liked girls. You are the most beautiful thing in the world. People make it tough, sometimes, but I'd never not want to love women
You are a goddess!
>>5760001
All I can think and dream about is that with time everything will be better, less painful for me, and for them. I was always told that my home is my safeplace and i can share anything, because im loved and theyll take care of me, so wheres that now..
>>5760002
>>5760006
>>5760010
>>5760019
>>5760024
they never said that they hate me, maybe if they did it will be easier.. its my mom who talks, my dad cant even say a word, i mean he can, but it comes out screaimg and i can se him being angry at me; what my mom says is that its her duty, to help me, to cure me, that she wont stop fighting for her child who is so lost, and that she prays for god to help me, to change me and bring me on a good path again..
>>5760002
>>5760019
>>5760024
I apologised for keeping it from them, but i feel they are blinded by their love(?) to me, or not me, but the perfect image of me in their heads and the plan they had for me to live..
for the past 7days ive talk so much with my friends, I shared my story and feelings with them, said what my parents said to me.. its my freinds who told me that whats happening it called 'as psychological abuse' not me, i mean, i have so much love for them and i dont want to see them hurt.. if i can say that i 'got the problem' its me not being assertive and too weak, too emotionally connected with them.. i find it really hard to stop thinking that if i hurt them, make them cry, im doing something thats not good, and thats what makes me feel bad about myself. its like im tormenting myself for being me, for the urge to live the life that makes me happy, makes me real true me
>>5760149
Exactly. It isn't love for you that is making them behave this way. It's fear for others' perceptions of themselves. If they were able to look past it, and actually care about their daughter, they wouldn't try to stop you from being who you are.
You're going to basically have to get treat your feelings for them the same way that they treat their feelings for you: expendable.
If you "hurt them" or make them cry, it's not actually a problem with you that is causing it, it is a problem with them.
If you're just trying to live your life in a way that makes you happy, and somebody else has such a problem with it that they want to change who you are, they are the problem.
>>5760030
im looking at the screen and smiling like an idiot, than you, maybe its just a comic but the feeling i got is exactly the one i feel around my friends, feeling so calm for a moment while being locked out at home it's not what i get often lately
i messed up with the >> thing i guess, sorry, i wanted to answer you one by one, but i feel like im saying almost the same thing all the time and its so hard to gather my thoughts all at once and respond in a short and neat way
>>5760179
It's okay cutie, we understand you well enough as is.
>'I gave birth to you, I raised you, and thats how your saying thank you?'
>'were a family and you treat us like shit, no respect at all, thinking only about yourself'
>'cant you see youre hurting us, is it normal?'
I mean, you probably figured it out (or some of your friends told you) but that's not the words of someone who put your feelings before themselves. I know they are blinded by outdated principles but if there is any reason to hurt them, it is to let them know that your suffering is more important than their fear of what the neighbors will think of them.
Don't let them convince you that you are the problem. And if you have to rise your voice in the process, let yourself go.
I have to say I'm not an expert and I never had to deal with it myself so take this with a grain of salt.
All my heart is with you thought
>>5760166
Yesterday my mom asked me how would i feel, if for example, some of my brothers friend would find out that im a lesbian, wouldnt i be ashamed? What would people think, what would our distant relatives think about it, do i think that theyll accept this, they think that i dont care for what people are saying, but at the same time they are kind of using my 'soft spot' for them to 'heal me, make me good again'? I really care, everybody cares.
We 'talk', there are 4 people vs me in this situation, they are still putting forward the same arguments, and i dont even know what more to say, i tried talking things back but whatever I say they are able to turn against me, and i dont even know how do they do that..
I will be out of here for a while, going out for a run, it's almost the only thing i can do without them ranting and screaimg at me (staying fit is ok, we-parents-approve, hah) cant use my phone there so no posts from me but i hope that when i come back itll still be there
>>5760240
She either understand but doesn't care, or doesn't understand that your sexuality can't be determined based off what people might think of you.
It sounds like she wants you to just be quiet about it so it doesn't cause her any trouble, which is disgusting.
Good luck, and check back in later, if you want. I hope things get better for you
>>5760215
>>5760252
thank you for all of your advices and kind words, it makes me feel better and hearing those particular things, from you, and again from my friends, makes me believe that despite how hard it is now and if it will/can be any worse in the future, i can handle this, i have to handle this
stop talking to them lmao
I came from the same type of family. Irish catholic staunch believers.
I came out to them when I was 17 and was thrown out of the house. I was homeless for 3 years. Since then I tried hard to reconcile with them but they remain firm in not only accepting that I'm a lesbian but firm in never talking to them again.
I spent 25 years trying to reconcile with them but just realized that will never happen.
My suggestion to you is to tell them bluntly that this is the way you are and if they can't accept it you will move on with your life as soon as you can. NEVER bring it up again to them. It's their move now to make a change.
Don't waste the next 25 years of your life like I did,
>>5759957
Cut them out of your life as soon as possible.
These people are incapable of loving you.
>>5761046
This whole post is the truth. Put yourself first, and if they really care about you, they'll change. If not then they don't deserve a place in your life.
Not the anon, but I'm living with an abusive parent at the moment (most of it was in the past, but still acts messed up and manipulative), and am really working on getting more proactive (rather than feeling hopeless), and hopefully eventually getting out of here.
Thank you for your posts. It's things like this that give me confidence and help me with helping myself, and feel more able to get out of here and such. And hope to make friends (& job, spend a lot of time out of the house) while I still am stuck living here. Seeing that people can and will support me too, through your words, means a lot.
I lived with an abusive father and brother in a kind of remote village until my mid 20s. If it hadn't been for the pretty sweet job I got in the last two years of living with them, I think sometimes I might still be stuck out there in the closet (pushing 30 now).
It's not easy but you will surprise yourself how capable you are once you find the right resources in your hands (usually money or friends).
>>5759965
>im not a 4chan person i mean i dont know how to write things in here if theres a way show me how ill try my best i really want to
Just try to use basic punctuation and grammar.
Here is an example:
"I'm not a 4chan person. I mean I don't know how to write things in here. If there's a way, show me how. I'll try my best. I really want to."
>>5763333
You stole my get! I ALMOST HAD IT!!!!
>>5763333
Get wasted on a pedantic grammarian.
Options
1 clarify that it isnt a sickness
2 ignore them
3 move out (not recommended unles you have a job
4 give them time
5 ask the other parents for help >>5759957
>>5759957
Keep things cool while you must live with them. But STOP living with them as soon as possible. You cannot be fully safe and healthy while living under their power. DO NOT accept any sort of Christian homosexuality cure. Gather material support from others who don't care that you're gay. Protecting yourself is more important than protecting your relationship with your family, because you are in immediate danger until you work out a way to live outside the power of people who don't respect you, and they are not in immediate danger. Respect their difficulties in understanding what is happening, and respect their inability to constructively express their nasty emotions. They have been shocked, and it's hard to deal with that. Give them some room to be somewhat nasty about it for a while. Not forever, and not a LOT of room, but some, and for a while. However do not make that your first priority. First thing, make a plan to get out of their and into safety as soon as possible, and then execute it.
>>5759959
This is a common situation. I have a few family members like this. Here's how I think about it. I'm not sure this is helpful, but I felt like writing down my thoughts. In what follows I'm partly just saying what I would do in your situation.
As it stands, you can't reason with people. No agreement is going to satisfy them that doesn't come at an unacceptable cost to your quality of life.
It's for this reason that they should not, I repeat NOT, have any power over you if you can help it. You should try to become independent as soon as possible. You're a grown-up. You have no right to support, financial or otherwise, from your family; and your family has no right to control or bully you. And, in this case, they want to use any control they may have over you towards ends that are intolerable and unacceptable.
Give them time. Because gay people turning straight just isn't gonna happen. The fact that they believe your sexual orientation is up for bargaining and debate shows that they don't really know what's going on. For a lotta parents whose kids come out, sooner or later, reality starts to sink in.
And because it lets people cool off. People get used to things. It's hard to be as upset on day 726 that your daughter is gay it is on day 1. I also suspect that some people rethink the issue when a family member comes out.
Strategically staying in the closet can be a good idea too. Especially if you live in a conservative country. But in the end, the closet is toxic and dishonesty will not improve your life. I wouldn't want to live like that. I want a straightforward life.
I hope things get better with your family. But if they don't, they don't. And in the end, it's their call.
What country are you from? What language do you speak?
