Behold! I was forced to cook meatbread for my birthday. It contains 2 pounds of beef, a pound of sausage, two cans of mushrooms, a half pound of chopped green onions, one whole package of bacon, a pound of sharp cheddar Velveeta, a half pound of mozarella, a half pound of shredded sharp cheddar, and one can of peas all wrapped in 3 loaves of bread.
Please forgive shitty resolution. I had to use a 3ds camera for this.
The fact that I exist in the same universe as this thing makes me not want to.
>>7875867
Literally what the fuck am I looking at/reading.
Also sharp cheddar velveta? I like me some fake cheese, generally for queso, but never heard of this shit.
Just remember, that pan is 3 feet by 1 1/2 feet. That thing is larger than any dog my parents have ever owned.
>>7875867
that thing looks like the fucking elephant's foot at chernobyl
>>7875911
Well I used an entire stick of butter to massage the bread before inserting the ingredients and it got a bit too lubricated to stick properly... hence the puckered ass look at the top. It's delicious though. I can feel my arteries har...HNNNNNNG!
>>7875867
Sounds disgusting.
lol what
>>7875867
Happy birthday OP I hope this isn't a tradition for you because you may not have many left
>>7875867
>canned mushrooms
Stopped reading right there
>>7875941
Thanks! I can't eat more than a slice and a half. I mostly make it for my parents. My dad REALLY loves the stuff. I don't eat a lot of bread myself, mostly just meat and meat byproducts.
>>7875874
>I had to use a 3ds camera for this
Only makes it better.
>>7875947
How do you not have gout yet
sweet fuck this is an abomination even by meatbread standards
>>7875962
Actually, since I started eating a diet that is 90% red meat and cheese... I've lost 100 pounds, my cholesterol has dropped, my blood chemical and vitamin tests are doing excellent, and I've been able to walk over a mile every day.
>>7875976
>able to walk over a mile every day
Ok there Iron Man.
anyway, looks p good but severely undercooked. When i make stuff like this I use a very stiff dough and start the oven at 450 then turn it down to 350 to maximize oven spring
>>7875976
Hey, congrats dude.
Keep it up.
>>7876273
Actually it's just because we have a realllly old oven... It was made int he 70s and will only go from Pale to Burnt. It came out perfectly cooked.
>Canned mushrooms
Alch yourself
>>7876363
Hey, don't blame me. The old people INSIST... apparently fresh mushrooms taste weird to them.
>>7875976
>I've been able to walk over a mile every day
I wasn't aware Incan Messengers were still around
What the fuck do you mean you were forced to make this. Lmfao what
>>7876390
>implying you've never been forced to cook while held at gunpoint
wew
>>7875888
Why? It sounds delicious
>>7875867
/tg/ pls go.
>>7876434
literally no it doesn't stupid faggotmerican
>>7876544
nigga we don't want it this is a travesty
>>7876562
Say again?
>>48266208
>>48266239
>>7876544
Not until you tell us how to make actual fucking Lembas Bread. That was the deal we made with you bastards 7 years ago and you still haven't delivered!
>>7876570
Welp... yer gonna need a pound of lard. Actual lard, not that pansy crisco shit. Then 6 kinds of cheese, all white. Next you'll want flour made from corn grown entirely in the tears of fat children forced to watch cake burning while being scrubbed with butter...
>>7876581
Question: Does the gender of the children matter?
>>7876569
Nigga. We do not want it. This is a travesty.
>>7876584
That's a very good question. The translations aren't complete, but since all elves are basically female or close enough, I would say that you'd want little girls. Now after you get your flour, you'll want to mix in 3 cups of dolphin milk. It's the closest thing we have to elf milk.
>>7876596
But dolphin nipples are located in the rectum...
>>7876603
The man did not misspeak.
![plu_1470_2.1413440070[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/88N6HSf.jpg "plu_1470_2.1413440070[1].jpg")
>>7876570
/tg/ here
Lembas Bread is based off of Panforte, a traditional Tuscan spiced fruitcake invented in medieval Siena, where monks baked it for local Crusaders enroute to the Holy Land. It was kind of a medieval energy bar - very dense, chewy, packed with sugars and proteins from the nuts and fruits used in it's production. It kept for a long ass time as long as it was kept wrapped, and you basically unwrapped it and bit a chunk out and used it like a modern Ration Bar.
>>7876610
>deactivated almonds
Disgusting.
>>7876603
Well then, son, you'd better get a pair of really good rubber gloves. After the dolphin shit has caused those gloves to melt permanently into your skin, you can continue cooking. Mercilessly beat the flour/milk mixture until it becomes a thick paste. Meanwhile, stir lard and cheese while adding 6 cups of sugar and 2 cups of honey. This should result in something resembling frosting. Or walrus semen.
>>7876570
Just lembas. It's Sindarin for 'way bread'.
>>7876610
>/tg/ here
I was hoping you guys would be, in this thread of all places.
Got the screencap from the original thread?
>>7876615
I accidentally used dolphin semen instead of dolphin milk but following the rest of the instructions it still turned out like walrus semen at the end. Is this going to be okay?
Next you'll want to find some very large leaves. The kind doesn't matter. Any leaf will do. You will want many, many of the. One or two will be used to contain the finished product, the rest should be saved for the sacred post-consumption wiping ritual.
![1385002159471[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/TEkYtMh.jpg "1385002159471[1].jpg")
>>7876614
Make your own, then you can activate your own damn almonds
>>7876628
This one?
Incidentally /tg/'s recipe for meatbread can be found here: https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Meatbread
![1346225917861[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/8YxS5hO.jpg "1346225917861[1].jpg")
>>7876636
Found it
>>7876629
Well to make up for the fat you missed by using semen instead of milk, add another cup of lard. Just to be safe. Once the mixture is prepared and begins to congeal, you may hear the screaming of the restless damned. This is normal and should be ignored. If it proves distracting, you can scare away damned souls with obnoxiously loud reggae music.
>>7876636
>Incidentally /tg/'s recipe for meatbread can be found here:
is this a joke? /ck/ invented meatbread like ten years ago.
Once the... mass has achieved maximum stiffness, you can turn the bowl upside down over your head without fear. Well without fear of the mixture dripping on you. To stare into the mass without fear is a sign of true madness. Anyway, with your sacred dagger dipped in the blood of virgins, cut off squares of a size you find suitable. Leave in the sun for 6 days then wrap tightly in the appointed leaves.
>>7875874
kys
>>7876610
this is some diamond tier retcon. lembas was magical elf wheat cracker its clearly described, has fuck all to do with your bullshit.
kys
>>7876628
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/20154353/
You mean this monstrosity?
Congratulations! You have made your own Lembas bread! Feel free to distribute to all your friends and loved ones. It will find them anyway, so you may as well deliver it yourself. If visions of screaming dolphins eternally fucking buttered fat children invade your dreams, please consult a shaman. Erections lasting more than 6 days are a common but dangerous side effect.
>>7876646
Yep and the Russians invented Pirozhki centuries ago you don't see them crowing about it. Well except for the street vendors, but it's kind of their job to crow about it at that point
>this fucking thread
Incidentally, while I was told 4chan was a festering pit of ass and madness, now that I am here... I feel as though I am finally among my own people. The criminally insane assholes.
>>7876700
Please make a sweet sundae ramen meatbread next
>>7876700
I felt that way in 2005.
Rip social life.
>>7876363
>alch yourself
lol I like to take my cross-board memes and fling them around where people don't understand them in an attempt to look cool as well, my brother :P
>>7876656
This. I thought Tolkien said it was based on hardtack?
>>7875867
How and why were you "forced" to cook this?
>>7876636
Holy shit that took me on a quest
>>7875867
>Can of peas
Nigga you what?
This thread
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdKI1wj-JpI
>>7876811
I can answer both questions with one statement. I live in the deep south with parents that own more than 20 guns.
>>7876870
the old people want me to put peas in EVERYTHING. Everything. Always. We have pea flavored ice cream somewhere. I've baked pea bread. There was a pea cake at one point.
>>7876384
>>7876974
I'm the only one in the family that can cook.
>>7876974
I used to make a DELICIOUS Irish cheese and potato bread... before the great pea infestation. When everything must be peas.
>>7876615
Could we not skip the middle steps and just get walrus semen directly? I know a guy.
>>7877005
Of course not. The walrus semen is just a measure of consistency! If you leave raw walrus semen out in the sun for 6 days and then wrap it in leaves, all you'll end up with is a new pokemon, not Lembas bread.
>>7875874
y arent these photos in 3d
>>7876983
Don't sell yourself tall
>>7877068
I want you to imagine the raw horrors that have come out of our kitchen when I am the ONLY one who can cook. And I can cook so much better than my parents that I look like a high class chef compared to cavemen setting their back hair on fire trying to roast mammoth.
>>7877076
So what happened before you started cooking?
>>7877172
There are no words in the human tongue. The walls of the kitchen still bleed in the 13th hour.
Why does /ck/ pretend to know about food and yet is repelled by the meatbread?
What I find most repulsive about these meatbread recipes after seeing them for the last 8 years or whatever is neither the ridiculous volumes of meats, nor am I deterred by the large amount of cheese that we usually layer inside; I do get annoyed that there are NEVER enough mushrooms, or shitheads like OP stoop to using canned shrooms, but I derail.
What really pisses me off about meatbread recipes is that NOBODY FUCKING SEASONS THE FOOD AT ALL
Oh yeah just dump in some Lea & Perrin's and mustard and let's call it a day
FUCK YOU
You aren't a fucking orc baking bread over the fucking campfire, so buy some fucking dried thyme and some fucking smoked paprika while you're on the town. There should be enough room in your 48 inch waist cargo shorts for a bottle or two of each. While you're at it, some black pepper would go great on the meats, and a touch of white pepper on the cheeses helps. Add some caraway seeds if you want to feel like a medieval peasant.
There's even this thing called fresh herbs that you could look into; I hear the god-emperor Akatosh recently declared that they're no longer sacrosanct so maybe you could try a bit of fucking parsley in your life.
Just stop wrapping meat+cheese in bread you hot-pocket-gnashing humanoid mules.
Why the fuck do you think Arrakis was such a popular planet?
>The Spice must flow
>>7877355
i mean, they did come from one of the more neckbeard boards
>>7877355
>Why the fuck do you think Arrakis was such a popular planet?
not for the cooking skills from the fremen...
>>7877355
Easy there Gordon. You're not on air right now.
>>7875867
>canned mushrooms
just kill me senpai
>>7877355
this post was cash. patting myself on the back rn for every single reference i got. justified rage/10
>>7876660
>Erections lasting more than 6 days are a common but dangerous side effect.
sounds good
>>7876659
>http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/20154353/
That's the one. Thank you.
>>7876659
>http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/20154353/
Oh damn that takes me back.
Newfag here, what's the deal with canned mushrooms?
>>7877670
They're shit
>>7875867
back to /tg/
>>7876656
Lembas was described as sweet and lemony. I don't recall any descriptions of the texture. That fits Panforte
>>7875867
>cans of mushrooms
>can of peas
Canned mushrooms are an abomination. As are canned peas. Use fresh mushrooms and frozen or fresh peas. Your tastebuds will thank you.
>>7877739
Cans are an invention of the devil.
On a less... horrific... note, I've been cooking things that roughly resemble pottage.
The basic recipe:
One onion, cut small
One clove of garlic, minced
About a whole red chili, including seeds, minced
About 400 g chickpeas (after soaking, if you need to soak them)
Ditto lentils
One carrot, diced
One small can sweetcorn
Juice of a lemon
Splash of soy sauce
Splash of Worcestershire sauce
About 500 ml stock
Fry the onions, chili and garlic together, add to a big pan with the chickpeas, lentils, carrot, sweetcorn, lemon juice, soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce and stock, bring to the boil and simmer for somewhere in the region of half an hour. Done.
I've recently been experimenting with adding pearl barley to the mix, along with small quantities of meat (and I mean SMALL, the last one I made (yesterday) had a single chicken breast in there).
>>7875976
>I've been able to walk over a mile every day.
Impossible, no non-flying creature could do such a thing.
>>7877355
All is well anon
The vermin will die soon
prepare
>>7877699
What if you can them yourself?
I'd certainly try it.
Good job, OP.
>>7877847
Why would you? It's a lot of effort that results in worse mushrooms, for the benefit of having year-round access to something that can be bought and grown irrespective of the time of year
>>7876558
wew lads we got a gourmet chef over here.
>Bread
>meat
>cheese
>not tasty
either you're a wannabe elitist or a reptilian
Honestly I thought you people wouldn't want to get into the boring details of the fresh ground pepper, sea salt, crushed red peppers, garlic, and Italian seasoning involved in the creation of the meatbomination. It appears I was wrong.
Plus the primary consumers are old people. They want everything as bland as possible since their organs are already shutting down and they cant afford to stress them.
>>7878469
You should at least put garlic in there. Stuff's a natural antiseptic AND antihelminthic.
>>7876544
nurgle dont wan that
>>7877871
Shit meme, fuck off.
>>7878579
Their bodies actively reject garlic. To the point where if I cook with too much, AKA more than a sprinkle of powder, they will start vomiting.
>>7878821
Fucking vampires
>>7875867
You know what? I see all this fags crying , but I can only think "hey, I would fucking try that meatbread"
Good job m8
>>7875874
jesus fucking christ
>>7878859
How does not wanting to eat atrocious looking nonseasoned literal meme food make you a faggot?
>>7879461
Not reading my comments on how it was actually seasoned, I just didn't feel like listing it out makes you a faggot. Faggot.
>>7879489
You're a faggot. Faggot. Enjoy your heart failure.
>>7879502
Bitch, I hereby pronounce you... Double Faggot.
>>7875911
Underrated post
>>7879632
You're a bitch faggot
>>7875867
I post actual bake alongs where i show every step along the way.. to make marble rye... with a home made yeast starter, photographed with a DSLR...
and i get like 5 people that post interest.
This fuck posts >>7875869 and gets 116 replies.
>FML
>>7881070
same here, did a whole series on alt-wheat breads with meh replies but you know what?
only you can judge the quality of your life. even if a smaller number engage with you, its because less people care about doing it right than about shitposting. at the end of the day, we're good bakers enjoying ourselves and OP is clownshoes
>>7881070
Sure, but are any of the posts ITT positive?
>>7875976
Dear god, I cant imagine a mile a day being an achievement. With the right shoes I could walk all day. And I'm overweight and drink way too much.
