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>Be me
>7th grade
>My parents had put parental controls on my computer so I wouldn't look at porn
>Used the flashdrive they gave me for school to transfer porn to my computer
>imacraftymotherfucker.png
>Put the powerpoint I worked so hard on onto flashdrive
>Forget to remove porn
>Whole room sees porn when I put the flashdrive into the projector
>Pretend nothing happened and present
>I got an A+, guess the teacher liked my porn

>>683284775
What kind of porn was it?

>>683284973
I'd kek so hard if it was furry or some weird shit like that

>>683284973
Just a bunch of hentai

>>683284189
Sure.
>Go to Mexican restaurant with a few of my friends.
>Start drinking, getting a little loud.
>Begin recounting my trip to Mexico the prior year
>"Yeah, it was just a dirty country. The mainland looks like a fucking wasteland. They try to sell you a watered-down, racist version of their own culture."
>Friends start making subtle gestures at me to shut up.
>Don't notice because cheap margaritas
>"It would have been nice to walk down the beach without some crusty Mexican trying to sell me dirt-weed or a fucking sombrero."
>Friends look shocked.
> I start to catch on.
>Look around and see a table of crusty Mexicans looking right at me.
>They are all big, beefy construction workers and I'm some lean 23 year old shit.
>Eat in silence for the next 20 minutes and leave.
I'm basically a fucking asshole.

>>683285330
>>683285330
kys

>>683285554
>mexican being this buttblasted on /b/

get the fuck out you subhuman shit

>>683283757
>be me
>this christmas
>whole family comes over
>littlest cousin is 13
>after breakfast, she says she wants to show us all a video she made for her school project or something
>takes her laptop out
>connects it to the tv first
>then turns it on second (classic mistake)
>IMMEDIATELY the tv turns to this youtube video of these two hot lesbians making out and autoplays
>entire extended family knows my 13 year old cousin was watching lesbian porn
>try to keep straight face
>she alt f4's kind-of-quickly, but not quick enough
>everyone pretends nothing happens.
>great grandma is 101.

does that make you feel better OP? could have been worse...

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not gonna greentext cause it happens to me all the time and there isn't really a story to it but..

my brother always walks into my room when im jacking off, often right when im cumming, and i have to pull the blanket over myself real quick and wait for him to leave. its so obvious what im doing, too. god i hate that guy

>>683286649
how old are you and your brother?

>>683286649
You should assert your dominance over him by making him suck your dick.

>>683286188
Top kek

>>683286811
>>683287006
Faggots at it again

>>683287152
nigger pls. i was just wondering why his brother walks in while he's jerkin it.

if his brother was younger and not sexually active, i could understand the candidness of it.

but if his brother is old enough to know better, that shit is fucking fucked, and his brother probably really is gay as fuck.

>>683287587
i'm 18 and he's 19

it's not like he purposely comes in to catch me beating off, he just happens to come in whenever im doing it

>>683287903
How many times has this happened?

>>683287973
two or three times a day for 7 years

>>683287903
so in light of being informed of this, i can reasonably deduce that either, you jerk off entirely too often or your brother is in fact gay as fuck and deliberately trying to catch you blowing your load.

>>683283757

>be me
>sat in library at uni reading this thread
>laugh so hard at op that I let rip
>had to go to loo and clean arse

Top kek op. Thank fuck I'm leaving in a few weeks.

>>683288080
I think you're trolling or just very stupid.

>>683287973
Hmm if you start counting from when i first started jacking off (5-6 years ago), i would say somewhere around 70 times lol

happens like maybe twice a month these days, but i used to jack off much less frequently as a kid

>>683284973
Just gay vegan stuff

>>683288440
Ok, I don't think that's a coincidence. I think he wants your dick.

>Be 20
>Virgin
>Never had a girlfriend before
>Going on a date
>Take her to Mexican restaurant
>Walk in
>Tables, tables everywhere
>We sit at a table close to where a group of girls are sitting
>Oh well, they seem to be ignoring us
>Sit down and order food
>Nervous as luck
>Not sure what to say
>Sweating a little
>Food comes and it's going ok
>I panic a little when she asks about other dates I've been on but I cover it up pretty well
>It's going ok.
>Group of girls at the other table are getting loud
>Laughing loudly making jokes
>One of them knocks her plate with her elbow and a potato falls from her plate
>It lands on the floor next to me
>I pick it up
>Put it back on her plate
>She just stares at me
>Whole table bursts out laughing
>My girlfriend has this look like "er..wtf are you doing"
>I don't know what to do
>Take the potato from her plate and put it on my plate instead
>Her table laughs more, far more loudly
>Sit in silence whilst their table whispers to each other laughing at intervals

Fuck I don't even know what happened. It just happened so fast.

Feels bad man.

>>683283757
My god, were do I even start?

Between the TSA thinking I have a nuke, my high school science teacher strangling a stuffed animal because it wasn't nice to her, ...

Oh this is for award moments, should have read more carefully. I thought is was odd moments. Don't have any award moments, because the concept of embarrassment eludes me.

>>683285743
Wat

>>683285083
holy fuck how the fuck were you not mocked the rest of the year?

>>683288959
kek

>>683285330
off by one

>>683289265
off by 3 fucking dumbass. Can you not count newfag?

>>683285330
You should have owned it, called them dirty mexican cunts and started brandishing a knife

>>683289028
how about how awkward it is that you cannot spell awkward?

>>683288959
Good one. I laughed. A whole potato?

>>683289590
Why would that be award? I have always had problems with spelling and grammar since my grandpa tried to kill me with an ax. But don't worry he didn't succeed, my skull stopped the blade. Everyone seriously over reacts about things like family feud.

>Be me
>Freshman
>For some reason my school district integrates the 8th and 9th graders
>In disgustin ass guys bathroom taking a piss
>regularday.jpeg
>This 8th grade tranny kid leaves the stall behind me right as I turn around
>I shit you not, I though this fucker was a chick the whole fucking school year.
>Looks at me like a deer in the headlights.
>Think, "Wait, what the fuck?"
>Realize I actually said it out loud.
>Ohshit.png
>Tranny GTFOs without even washing his hands.
>Avoid each other at all costs for the rest of the school year

>>683287587
I get that but its still annoying. I'm 19 and two of my brothers walk in on me jerking/showering all the fucking time. They are 5 and 8 so its /understandable/ but not really.

>Never been to a Subway before
>Decide to bend it like Jared
>Go to the counter and order the meatball sub
>They ask what bread I'd like with it
>Start sweating
>Tell them original
>They don't know what I mean
>Keep repeating "original bread" over and over
>They just grab a loaf and ask if I want six inches
>Get flustered but try to reign in my anxiety
>"Heh heh nah I'm seven and a half so lets to that"
>The silence killed me
>See they have guacamole
>Tell them I want guacamole on it too
>They say they don't have guacamole
>Think they're just messing with me
>Sweat harder
>Tell them I think they do
>They tell me they don't make guacamole but they could put avocado on it if I prefer
>Scoff at them and say sure
>Tells me it'll be an upcharge
>Scoff again and tell them to load it up then
>Finally reach the till
>They ring me up and ask for the total
>I hand them my card
>They swipe it
>Then swipe it again
>Once more
>My card was declined all three times
>Stutter out an apology and hand them my other card
>This one is bent and cracking due to leaving it in the wash
>They look at it and shake their heads
>Swipe
>Swipe it a few more times
>Keeps getting an error
>Inform me that payment isn't going through
>By this point three people behind me are waiting to pay
>Tell them to give me my card back and I'll do it myself
>They hand it to me
>Swipe
>Swipe once more
>It works
>Laugh and say it just needed a bit of love
>Bob head when saying this
>They straight-face tell me to have a nice day
>By this point visible pit-stains and a damp spot on belly
>Walk out and eat in car
>Employees capable of seeing me from counter
>Catch them glancing over every now and then
>The sub wasn't that good either

>>683291119
lock the door?

>Have to stay at grandma's for a few days while I'm moving in to a new place.
>Don't mind because she is cool as fuck.
>Have to sleep on living room floor on an air mattress because my aunt and uncle are also visiting.
>Come home hammered as fuck one night.
>Dig my fleshlight out of my travel bag.
>Pull my pants down around my ass and fuck the shit out of it.
>Cum and immediately pass out.
>Wake up the next morning and realize all of this.
>The covers were pulled up over my ass.
>My grandmother must have woke up to go to church and found her grandson passed out with his pants around his ankles, smelling of beer.

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>on phone with customer service
>order i placed didn't arrive, CS rep asks me for my address
>i tell her my address
>get to postal code
>do the "C as in cat" thing to avoid any confusion
>get to D
>"D as in Dildo"

>>683290875
hey it's not your fault you thought someone of the opposite sex was in YOUR bathroom. Drives me nuts when ppl wanna get mad at you when you've done nothing wrong

>>683291496
No locks, sadly. My parents and other brother have the decency to knock at least.

>>683291646
i feel u man, those letter things are hard to come up with on the spot like that

>>683287903

Well tell him to fuck off then

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_zA-R_-jhc

>>683291383
Well why in your dumbfuck brain would you think putting avocado on a meatball sub is a good idea? Jesus christ.

>>683291646
My sides

My social life is nonexistent because I have kids, but I still get an uncomfortable amount of awkward moments because I'm a pediatrician and kids don't have filters. With younger kids, there are a lot of comments about how mommy or daddy has a different body. That alone is fine, but the parents always feel awkward enough for it to rub off on me.

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>>683283757
>be me
>just heard about blowjobs
>really wanted to try this
>no gf
>fuckit.jpg
>i always was a creative fucker
>find vaccum cleaner
>it furiously sucks my dick
>feelsgoodman.jpg
At this point i lived in a apartment under my cousin
>vaccum cleaner makes fucked noice
>my cousin hears this and runs to the apartment
>finds me, getting my dick furiously sucked by a vaccum cleaner
>mfw
We still talk though

>>683292471
how does getting your dick sucked by a vacoom cleaner feel good? I thaught it's just something from the movies

>>683291745
Well, he has a dick and was in the men's room, just looks exactly like a woman. He's probably taking hormones or some shit like that. Still really awkward

>>683292731
It had options from low sucking to hard sucking, lowsucking was great tho

>>683291383
Shit dude. Does this happen a lot?

>>683292758

Should've raped his ass in the stall then

>>683292758
I see. well fuck em. THEY'RE the one's changing genders; confusing the rest of us. Looks female, I'm going to assume it's a female, it's not like I can grab their crotch to be certain! HA

>>683291383
Wat. This cant be real i leld so hard

>>683288959
You sound like a good dude. Don't sweat it.

>>683291383
That's some intense anxiety.

>>683285554
Hey look a beaner faggot. Go back to your dirty dumb ass country. You wouldn't be offended if your country or people were worth anything at all.

>>683291383
>bob head when saying this
sides

>>683288959
lol you autist.

>>683285554
Dirty Mexican faggot. Your country sucks and so does your people. Stop coming to America and stop trying to turn it into your worthless country that you ran from.

>>683291646
I love you anon.

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>>683285554
Go backto Mexico bitch.

>>683292471
Done this too.lol

>>683288299
"Let it rip!" -beyblade, and anon

>>683293788
Kys

>>683285743
You think ur sick but ur not

>>683294292
Keke. Vote trump bigly

>>683288959
Well this made my day
>thanks anon
Not that big of a deal as well but it is funny

>>683292242
What are you talking about? Avocado is great in all breads. I use it sometimes to substitute butter b/c fuck butter / margarine

>>683288959
what the fuck were you doing man

>sitting in math class in 7th grade
>all taking some test we are supposed to be quiet for
>I see Teacher leave room thinking about jumping up and making noise
>I think it over
>fuck it
>Jump up and yell "Lets make margaritas!"
>Didn't realize Teacher walked back into room
>Says my name
>You're goddamned right.
>Sat back down in complete shame
another?
>Say the word cute in 10th grade ironically.
>Some 9/10 cute bitch asked if I just said cute
>Im like uhh yeah so?
> She just turns around
>What she doesn't know I would do to that ass.
>Friend just laughs at me like I should be so embarrassed.
>Shut the fuck up.

>>683288959
it would be kind of awkward to just pretend like nothing happened if the potato fell and landed next to you, but you didn't have to pick it up and put it on her plate..

>>683295403
Fucking what

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>>683283757
>Get to the restaurant
>all tables are taken, except for the one for 30 people
>there is one guy seating there
>Hello sir may I sit at your table shit
>he has tablet in front of him and laughs from time to time
>his laugh sound like he's choking
>"are you okay"
>"Yes, this is the way I laugh"
>our meals arrive simultaneously
>halfway through he strats making choke sounds again
>ignore him, he's just laughing
he was actually choking on fish bone, screetching for my help
>aftter several minutes turn my head on him
>realiseheisactuallychoking.png
>called staff, man taken to the hospital
>I couldn't finish my fish
>hfw I sat and calmly ate my lunch when he was struggling for life

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>>683295403
should have made some comment about her cute ass and been alpha as fuck about it

>long time ago
> take six mg of Xanax
>staying w parents during smash
>go home see gin on counter, drink juice glass full
>find a porn dvd I hid in high school
>put in on move chair close to tv get out sock
>wake up to loud "WHAT THE FUCK!?" From mother
>passed out dick in sock, porn dvd looping
Fml

>>683288959
Im fucken dead hahahaha

>>683295741
damn did you really just pass right out?

i took 4mg once but didn't feel anything other than a loss of balance, idk why

>>683291646

Someone should invent some kind of, i don't know, Phonetic Alphabet? That way things like this wouldn't happen,

>>683295741
U would have died, bullshit story

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>>683291383
holy fuck this is the most autistic story I have ever heard

god truly made a mistake when he created your poor soul

>>683294866
Haha, no. You're going to get kicked back to your own country soon. Trump is going to give you the boot.>>683294866

>>683296015
No it took my a while to pass out, I figured since I was out of state and couldn't fuck my gf I would jack it.
I had taken the Xanax way earlier and smoke a ton off weed. I probably passed out when the 5-6 shots of gin hit me all at once.

>>683296138
Sorry man I have a huge tolerance, I took 6 2mg Xanax just two weeks ago. Although I did black out and spend $200 on Coke I definitely did not die. I don't know why I'm like this, once I took 320mg of methadone, but I had a pretty good tolerance at the point

>>683288959
At least you tried to be helpful, most wouldn't bother to get out of there seat, let alone attempt to clean it up. Still pretty awkward though.

>>683288959
Haven't seen this pasta in a long time

>>683296132
Not sure if you're retarded or I am? It already exists. Military Alphabet

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>be 23
>go to shitty restaurant mothers works at for free nachos
>eat whole plate of family nachos by myself
>shit was free nigger
>walking home
>bubble guts
>shart trying to hold it in
>itaintover.webm
>only place to shit was under overpass near bus stop
>someone at the bus stop
>fuck it im poopin
>they watch me take one of the most fucked up poops ever
>go home and clean myself then play some TF2

>>683283757
10/1 would have just laughed and went to sleep if the guy next to me did that.

>>683291383
spagetti falling out of your pockets could feed an east african country for months

>>683285330
you went to a tourist area of mexico didn't you? just got back from a couple weeks there, was fun as fuck.

>>683292758
If they're trying to become female then they probably took it as a compliment.

>>683296788

Sarcasm...?

>>683288959
>>683294121
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TbbvXK5QS8

> Be 15, I'm 27 now
> I have extremely protective, Christian, health nut, crazy strict parents.
>I love music, it's the one thing I have, collected tons of cds and write music.
>Parents take all my music cds and every song I ever wrote because they found I was listening to metal and Korn.
>Feel completely lost, dad takes off for business trip, just older sister and mom.
>Find parents hidden brandy at night after sis and mom asleep.
>Bring brandy in room and start drinking as much as I can... like half the bottle in a couple minutes.
>Get horny as getting wasted, get completely naked and lube up my entire body.
>Start jerking it to bra catalogue
>Not working cause getting slobery drunk.
>Think I'm quiet, but walk naked singing down hallway next to sister's and parent's bedroom.
>Get in bathroom to take a dump while completely naked
>Keep falling off toilet seat while singing Korn. Mom walks in...
>wake up showered on cot in parents room.
>Remember being naked throwing up all over the place while telling my mom that "it's a dream"...
>Damnit.

>>683291383
my dad has autism, you sound like him.

>excuse me im in a hurry i have to go to the front of the line
>IM ON BREAK FROM WORK, I ONLY HAVE HALF AN HOUR LET ME IN THE FRONT
>i want a foot long sweet onion chicken
>what do you want on it
>everything that comes on it.
>....no i mean do you want lettuce?
>I WANT EVERYTHING IN THE PICTURE.
>rage
>worker guesses? then timidly asks if he wants oil vinegar salt pepper
>IS IT IN THE PICTURE?
>well you can't see salt and pepper
>THEN NO

so embarrassed\\. glad i didn't inherit that.

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>Be me, South African fag
>Went to traditional all boys English private school
>At athletics event when I was in matric (senior), whole school compulsory attendance
>Sitting next to QT athlete girl from another school chatting
>School starts chanting "PULL IN, PULL IN,PULL IN" while staring at us.
>Girl is Afrikaans and her english isn't great and doesn't understand and starts chanting it as well
>Explain to her it means they want us to kiss
>Lean in for a kiss
>She pulls away (I'm pretty good looking and was in great shape, not beta fag but was super innocent small-town girl) and whole school sees
>Slightly remedied humiliation since she gave me a kiss on the cheek.
>Everyone trolls me for the next month.

>>683286188
kek

>Be me at 11
>Hot as fuck outside
>At my older cousins
>He is 13 or 14
>His older sister asks us if we want to go to the water park
>Fuckyeah.png
>Borrow a pair of cousins old trunks
>Put them on before we go
>Have to pull them up every few moments, don't mention it because I wanted to swim
>Get in car and go
>Go into park, find a spot to put our shit
>Cousin and I put lotion on each other
>No homo
>Swim for a while
>Eventually go over to the deep end
>Cousin fucks around on the diving board
>I decide to use it even though my parents never let me
>Thuglyfe
>Climb out of pool and stand on diving board
>Pull trunks up again
>Jump on board a few times like I've seen divers do
>Trunks fall down
>Let out a loud gasp/cry
>People probably look
>Spazz out trying to cover myself with one hand, the other trying to pull my trunks up
>Wipeout
>Manage to bang my head and leg

(Will continue, don't want to hit limit)

>>683298495
KEK

>>683298508
>Afrikaans
its time for africa
>sawuwaweh eheh bungholina eh eh!sawuwaweh eheh bungholina eh eh! ees tyme for nigfrika!

>>683296788
you are.
you are retarded

>>683299750
You know Afrikaans people are generally blonde white people of dutch descent right?

>>683288959
hahahahahaha, this must be fake, but fucking hilarious.
>here's your potato, milady, don't worry about the shit it's covered in, the rest of the food on your plate will conceal it

>>683298495
hahahahahahahahaha

>used to hang out at a coffee place with a buddy
>one day the place was packed
>forced to sit at a tiny 2-seat table right next to some dude and his girlfriend
>they're so close it would be too awkward to talk, so we're all mostly quiet
>my buddy starts saying something to me but stops himself
>the girl next to us thinks it was her boyfriend who said something
>she goes "what?"
>he goes "what?"
>"did you say something?"
>"no"
>"why do you always do that?"
>"what?"
>"you always mumble, and then you won't repeat it"
>"I didn't say anything"
>quickly escalates into potentially relationship-ending fight
>me and my buddy looking down at the table, barely breathing

>>683300352
so what? I cant fucken sing a fucken song? fuck u fucken racist

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>be me
>13 years old and best friend is big fucking black guy
>have science together and one day get really mad at each other
>its fucking on nigger
>both of us are are drawfags so as a way of arguing we just draw each other getting fucked by tentacles
>no homo but maybe homo
>we draw like a good 50 pages each
>class ends and forgive and forget
>its all good my nigger so we throw away all the dick-paper
>little do we know as we walk out, teacher sees us throwing away all this paper
>thatisasuspiciousamountofpaper.jpg
>teach looks at cocks
>triggered
>next day teach approaches both of us
>"now anons, what were you thinking doing something like this? I cant have my children drawing pornography in my class room, I could easily get you suspended etc."
>mfw
>she doesnt do it
>me and friend continue to draw hentai in class

>>683286649
Its like Sex Drive all over again

>be me
>be 16
>horny
>go in sisters room
>see panties on the floor
>take an almighty whiff
>turn around
>she's standing right there
>don't know what to do
>she laughs and walks away
>never spoken about it

>>683298495

Even though your dad is an autist, the Subway personell should have just said 'OK' and not ask any more questions when a client seems unknown with the company procedure and just says ''i want it like in the picture''.

Anyways, i see a lot of babyboomers that have a relationship and all etc. while if kids these days would have those character aspects they wont have GF's.

>>683298327
My life was nuts, so here's another. Let's go back farther
>Be 14
>Realize that even if God exists that I will never bend a knee to anyone and rebuke Christ.
>Tell parents that I'm not a Christian and throw the purity ring they gave me at them.
>Parents absolutely lose their shit. They take me to pastor and they try exorcising me over and over again.
>I completely pissed get fedup and tell them it's no demon or witch (my parents thought a girl in runescape was a witch that controlled me) that made the decision, that I hate God and want nothing to do with Christianity.
>Parents angry start driving home. I start listening to my expensive mp3/cd player worked to get the money for. Listening to Korn.
>Parents tell me to give them my cd player and expensive head phones.
>I refuse and tell them to leave me alone. They aren't having it and pull off into Safeway parking lot.
>My dad gets out and starts opening my door, I try to lock it and keep it closed.
>I eventually fail and my dad rips headphones and cd player away from me.. I watch my headphones get ripped in half as my player hits the asphalt and breaks apart.
>I go into a rage and my dad and I start fighting in the middle of a Safeway parking lot.
>I am landing blows, I seriously want to hurt my father.. Safeway employees run out and try to constrain me and hold us back from each other. My mom and sis just tried to stay out of the way.
>Cops show up and are patting me down. I tell the officer to shoot me in the head.
>Cop immediately puts me in the back of cop car and explains to my parents that they have to take me to a psych ward.
>Go to Pyscho hospital and make friends with a Blood who became a good friend but died about a year later from gang fight.
>meet hotty 8/10 nuts chick that seems pretty cool. I get my first kiss from her and we make out in secret before we decide to fuck. Staff catch on and seperate us. Leave a week later.

>>683291646
D AS IN DOG YOU FUCK

>>683300899
>drawing pornography

ye... nah

>>683299582
>Lifeguard pulls me out of water, probably sensed I was retarded the moment I got there
>Pulls me onto a chair (the kind that all pools have)
>Try to lift head up
>Hurts to move it
>Someone is pressing against my forehead anyways
>Reach down to cover my boyhood
>Gets hand pushed away
>Hand looks like I just fingered a girl on her period
>Freak the fuck out
>Cry like a pussy
>Thought my dick fell off or something
>End up going to the ER for stitches
>Crying, bloody, and pretty exposed the whole time

Probably the most awkward part of my life. Had another waterpark experience but it wasn't as awful.

>>683288959
God how beta can you get?

>>683300912
whew

>>683301000
cool!

>>683299750
Kek

>>683300646

>>/reddit/

I remember a really good one.
>be me, 20, trap
>visiting dad in california
>abusing drugs
>high as a motherfucker
>decide to take a shower
>get naked
>have a seizure from withdrawing from benzos + adderall high
>seizure causes total memory loss and post-seizure symptoms of being loopy as fuck
>dad keeps saying "you need to go to the hospital, get dressed" but i dont want to get dressed
>pose my sexy body, flaunt my boobs "i dont want to get dressed I feel fine"
>dad dresses me, takes me to hospital
>i am loopy as fuck, so the hospital IVs some ativan so i'll get sleepy and stop bothering the doctors.
>cute boy nurse adjusting my IV
>"you're really cute..." start stroking his arm, he blushes a lot
>"you dont have to leave if you want... dont worry about him" point to my dad "We can hook up later"
>try to kiss him
>.....come back to normal
>remember everything that happened.
>ofuck.jpg

apparently seizures make me a crazy slut

>>683298495
>is it in the picture?

Lmao

>16, living with parents
>watching some movie on TV, and recording it on vhs for future
>midway through movie, my friend calls and asks if I want to come outside and smoke a cig
>can't smoke indoors with parents, because strict parents
>figure I'll just be out 15 minutes and come back. leaves TV on
>decides to take a long walk instead because friend has feels to talk through
>comes home 3 hours later
>realize I left TV on, blasting high volume
>turn it off and take out vhs tape
>finish the movie
>after the movie, its recorded 2 hours of anal sluts porno
>realize my TV has been playing pornos at high volume with parents trying to sleep in the other room

>>683291646
Delta.

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>be me
>6 years old
>on bus going to swim meet
>feel rumbling in my tummy
>tell friend to listen because farts are funny
>ohshit.jpg
>literalshit.jpg
>diarrhea seeps through my swimsuit all over the seat
>friend doesn't notice
>dear god please save me don't let anyone see
>stench crawls up my nose
>becomes noticeably bad
>rip me
>"omg anon did you throw up"
>pretend sickness caused by mcdanks eaten earlier
>say I'm fine now, can still swim

fastforward to the swim meet

>3-2-1-beep
>dive in
>forgot to change/clean swimsuit earlier
>trail of nig pigment following me
>lose race
>rest of meet gets cancelled to clean the pool
>mfw

>>683301000
..............uhhhhhh gregory?

>Yesterday, outside grilling BBQ chicken at my apartment complex
>Guy moving someone in puts down a mattress at an apartment a little ways away and sees me at the grill
>He shouts to me, "Smells good, bro!"
>I reply, "Thanks, y-you too..."
>Immediately go inside
>Chicken burns because I leave it on too long before going back out

>>683302995
Oh please let this be real

>>683302486
>trap
>nurse blushing
>gay

>>683302875
harsh

>>683285743
HAHA THIS GUY GETS IT!

>Dad invites me over for dinner
>Stepmom, her son and his mother, the grandmother I hate are there
>the old cunt asks me if my mum and her mother, the grandmother I love went to church for no fucking reason
>"Yes, they did" and stare at her
>She shuts the fuck up, dad tries to appear funny and insult my mother and grandmother, because he hates them
>"You know, all whores start going to church when they grow old" and looks at me with the toothiest grin I ever saw him make
>"Oh, so that's why your mum goes to church every sunday"
>dad is as red as a tomato, the old cunt just stares, I was her least favorite grandson anyways and my stepmother and her son try not to laugh as hard as they possibly can
>finish eating in silence, dad does the same
after that shit dad never talks about my mum and grandma ever again.

>>683288959
WHY PUT IT ON HER PLATE PUT IT ON THE TABLE ANON THE TAAAABLLLLLLLEEEEEEE

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>>683296968
Nothing worse than an unceremonous poop:
>Go caving / potholing
>Heading back out
>Get told 'just go ahead we'll catch up'
>Going up through cave trying to remember route
>Wait for a bit for them
>No one comes
>Go back, they've gone
>Going up & down passages shouting, getting more & more scared
>Need to poop immediately hits
>Do a fear poop in a tunnel
>Go back up
>Run into 2 guys on their way in
>1 takes me back up whilst his mate carries on
>mfw his mate had to crawl past my poop
FUCK CAVING

> Be 17, just moved out with buddy in apartment.
>Party like crazy fucks drinking more than we eat.
>3 popular chicks from high school come over and we start the movie White Chicks.
>I decide it's a perfect time to get wasted around noon. Probably about the last thing I remember.
>Later roomate explains to me that I got wasted, took my shirt off, and starting making fun of the movie.
>After that I go over and start telling the each girl that I'm going to fuck their vagina.
>My buddy says after that I layed down in front of them and started rubbing myself all over before suddenly running upstares and jumping in the shower.
>lay down in shower and puke all over myself.
>Buddy says the girls kept giggling to each other (they were pretty hot 6 and 7s). And that eventually they told him they were going to have some fun.
>Apparently one even got in the shower, but they decided I was completely passed out and left.
>Later asked one of em about it, asked if they wanted to "have fun". She admitted yes but laughed her ass off at me when I asked if she and her friends still wanted to.

>>683302454
>>/urafaggit/

>>683283757

>be 16 got high morning before school, as usual.
>go into first period blunted and smelling like it
>teacher is doing his lecture
>pencil breaks
>cant take notes
>sitting there like an awkward fuck
>too high to get up in front of everyone but fuck it i have to
>go sharpen pencil in the middle of teacher talking
>pencil sharpener rearing at full horsepower
>hear voices and shit behind me
>turn around, look at class voices stop
>everyone is staring at me
>think to myself ''why the hell are these wierdos staring at me''
>turn right around and sharpen my pencil some more
>voices are now just teacher shouting my name
>turns out he was trying to get my attention the whole time i was sharpening my shitty number 2
>everyone started laughing but not for the right reason
>i just looked like i was being a dick to the teacher
>hes pissed sends me to office
>all bad from there
felt awkward as fuck the whole time because i was blitzed

>>683302486
Your poor dad, you fucking degenerate.

>>683301000
nice trips greg

>>683303697
Faggot! Degenerate

>>683296138
Are you retarded? Even 6mg and 750ml of gin wouldn't kill you.

>>683291646
Every time I do this and I come across N I have a hard time not saying nigger

>>683302995
Nope. I'm not Gregory, but the story was completely legit.

>>683303382
Kek
You're a good son, Anon

>>683303897
nice trips

>>683304430

fuck psych wards are awesome sometimes

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>>683291383
>meatball sub
WHAT, WE DONT EVEN HAVE FUCKING MEATBALL SUBS IN SWEDEN.

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the ultimate coming through

>In shop, getting some shit
>Tired as fuck, can't remember why I was there
>Fall asleep whilst walking with trolley
>Bash into ugly bastard with the trolley
>All his family are laughing at me
>Manage to get a small "sorry m8" out
>Go back to shopping
>Get all the shit I need, go to checkout
>Shithead is there again
>Makes fun of me and everyone starts laughing at me
>Try to hide face and ignore it
>Whilst looking down, realized that in my stupidity, I forgot to put on pants
>fuckingkillmenow.png
>Get to checkout, pay for shit and leave
>Get to car, get shit on by bird and drive off
>Get home, realize that cunt is my new neighbor
To this day, the fat fuck brings it up.

>>683287903
close the fucking door what the fuck is wrong with you ? tell him to knock first or something faggot.

>>683303897
Lol thanks, but my name isn't Greg. It starts with an F.

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>be me
>12 y/o in disguise normie child, play sports, etc.
>a decent portion of my time on the internet was finding Lara Croft porn
>had two folders dedicated to the cause, cosplay and rule 34 stuff
>my family- mom, dad, 5 year older sister were not computer savvy
>typical folder within folder setup, so many good times
>playing video games on tv
>sister turns on computer
>i hear "what is this anon"
>shit. forgot to close up shop. she sees everything
>deadsilence.mp3
>sister's name is laura :/

>>683302486
let's hang out sometime

>>683305141
NOTE: A story my mate told me, because I saw him in the store without pants on and questioned him about it. Spoke to him tonight about this thread and he told me to write it here.

>>683289186

>implying hentai isn't what a lot of teenagers jerk off to

>>683291603
You pack a fleshlight in a travelbag? You've got a problem dude.

>>683288959
lol

>>683300582
kek

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>>683285330
Similar thing happened to me

>grabbing with a friend pizza after a few beers
>order food
>friend randomy brings up those stupid ear spacers that faggots use to look edgey, says something complimentary.
>I say that they look disgusting and people who get them are idiots who will never be able to get any decent job
>friend drops the subject
>as I'm getting my food I notice that the girl behind the counter has about the biggest spacers I've seen on a woman.
>realize that's why buddy brought it up
>realize that there was no possibility that she didn't hear me
>awkward as fuck till I left the place

>>683292471
Hope it wasn't a henry. That's gay man,

>>683305310
*5 years older sister fyi, she was probably 17 at the time.

>>683305307
Faggot?

>>683305339
I know I did, and I didn't even watch anime back then.

>>683304968
Yeah, I almost lost my virginity in one... I actually even begged the staff and counselors to stay. They told me no, but that they were sorry. My life was hell at my parents.

>>683305339
why is that exactly?

>>683288959
the fuck kind of trash whitewashed mexican place serves baked potato

>>683283757
>probably 12 birthday
>sister comes over
>her friends come over
>she is older than me had some gifts iv`e received
>when they are leaving I say real loud
>THANKS FOR THE GIFTS
>they give me a strange look and leave
>ask my mom she tells me they didn`t bring those gifts
>feel weirded out and that was one of the last times she ever came to a birthday for me.

>>683305326
2/10 story much laugh.
Do you have a followup you comedic genius?

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>>683283757
At least it was hardcore porn and not the goofy shit I like

>>683305315
ok. im visiting some friends in tehachapi, but im usually around west covina or lancaster

>at bar alone
>drink 20 bloody Mary's
>-40 degrees outside (Canadafag)
>on busride home
>bus is full of bacholerette party
>try and communicate but loose my spaghetti
>suddenly not feel so good man
>need to exit bus
>still need to transfer one more bus to get home
>push emergency stop button
>gtfo of there
>akwardly through 5feet snow butt is squirting
>finally find wall to paint with my shit
>feelsgoodman.jpg
>wipe my ass with snow and box I find
>realize everyone at the bus stop saw all this
>pull my pants up and stand with them at bus stop

Not a single fuck was given that day

>>683305827
Not my fault my mate told me to post his every word. I have much better stories, but this is the internet and my family uses this board way too much. They will know it's me.

>>683288959
damn, small mistake with a big consequence. that must have turned your gf's pussy into the sahara desert

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>>683291603

> cool as fuck

>>683305931
i'm near LA
still do drugs?

>>683305580
first psych ward story
>tell them im a tranny, hoping to get a private room
>"bullshit, there's another trans here right now, you can room with her"
>alright! hopefully we can fuck after lights out
>go to room
>'she' is a failtrap.
>the type who wears boyclothes from walmart that their mom bought, grows their hair without brushing it, puts no effort in besides takin their pills every day
>not my scene.
>she tries to fuck me, wont take no for an answer
>Have to start fooling around with this black guy
>he sees her hit on me
>"don't you be talking to my girl or i'll fuck you up bro."
>dont say anything.

>>683288959
My sides

>>683305539
Wow, yup! Faggot Jones is my name. I told you it was hell with my parents. They thought I would learn a lot with a faghoty name like that.

>>683288959
Top kek

>>683305805
I actually feel bad for you. That's sad.

>>683305435
She probably caught the electrical waves from your brain before you said it with those things

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>>683298327

this is fucking great

>>683305580
second one
>cute little femme boy there
>nnnnnn want him so bad
>he has this girlfriend whose in B building and he's in A building with me.
>he keeps saying things like "no... i've only ever hooked up with girls... will it make me gay?"
>his hesitancy is arousing af
>sneak just outside his room
>do the 'come here' motion with my fingers
>he's so unsure but he wants it
>he kisses me, blushing crazy
>kiss him back, makeout for a bit, touch his chest
>feeling like a million bucks
>this one nurse whispers to me "You know there's a camera right outside his door right?"
>they write "danger of flirting with patients" on my chart, but dont kick me out or anything

>>683291383
HAHAHA I'm fucking trying so hard not to die right here right now on metro train filled with people. These little laugh stifles coming out of my mouth aren't helping. Woman next me looks like she thinks I'm going to throw up on her.

>>683286188
Is she hot

>>683283757
>I have a fresh one from today
>yesterday went to get a haircut they cutted almost like a skinhead look
>was my mistake
>went to Jehovas witness salon
>I look like a skinhead
>I wore a leather jacket they seem to be looking at me
>felt ackward
>realized that I looked like a neo nazi
>just weird.

>>683306176
does a priest molest children?

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>>683283757

>Be 16 year old me just finishing up school
>just got GCSE results and best friends rings to tell me his grades.
>Scary Movie 1 height of all lels at time
>Tell me he has all F's
>thought he was joking
>"Does it have dumbass printed across the card"
>Silence and hangs up.

God damn it.

>>683306343
Damn, how long were you there? Are you a tranny?

>>683288959
fuuk, heard my parents turning the lights on from my laughter

>>683302663
bullshit, no VHS records 2hrs

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>straight outta highschool
>collage life going OK
>hanging it at a buds house every other day
>crash in the spare often
>buds brother is gay
>hits on me
>whatever
>one day everyone goes to the gym but us
>skip his bullshit and get straight to making out
>the spare we're in was an office with full glass doors
>wall to wall with living room
>jokes about oral
>tell him maybe
>whips out a huge dick
>now we're talking
>buds come back from the gym
>doors to spare are pretty much sound proof
>buds come around the corner
>on my knees in full view blowing his brother
>he also brought over more people to party
>10+ people's FW watching a guy they thought was straight blowing another guy
>we bought curtains shortly there after

>>683307145
like 11 days, trans life fam

>>683302012

thank mr wew

>started working in a shit job, only good thing to come out of it was meeting this cute girl who seemed to be into me, solid 9
>hang out, get wasted, tried to smash an empty beer bottle on some cunts head, she stopped me
>for some reason she still wants to hang out
>me and two friends are in town, message her
>offer her to smoke some weed with us
>she say's she'll be right over
>decide to get something to drink while waiting, ended up getting piss drunk
>started hitting on some other chicks
>she finally arives, my friend doesn't stop blabering about those other chicks, starts saying I told them to fuck off
>"I would never say something like that to hot chicks"
>at this point I'm piss drunk and the girl just looks at me akwardly
>smoke the weed, she never heard me cussing so much
>some random cunts start talking to us for no reason
>me and my drunk and stoned friends run off, leaving the girl with random cunts at night in the woods near the town
>she removes me from her facebook friends

>>683307017
uhhh, you know how they say 'dont stick your dick in crazy?'

imagine a childhood version of that.

>she's 14 now
>has a lot of black guy friends
>got a Q Spade tattoo (cuck fetish????)
>dyed hair, dresses like a 1980s punk, does drugs

>>683295112
Why would you put butter in a meatball sub

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>>683283757
>be 17 waiting at bus stop on way home
>girl I know from school walks up
>stumbling over my tounge: "h-hi!"
>she does not even notice me, because earphones
>wears nice skirt
>bus arives
>she steps up to by ticket from driver
>I stand directly behind her
>notice her skirt is wedged into her buttcrack
>pull it out
>oh_shit!_what _did_I_do.jpg
>she turns around giving me the what the fuck look
>spaghetti start dripping
>she turns back to the driver
>I think: "okay, she did not like that"
>push her skirt back into her buttcrack
>she turns around, yelling, swearing
>don't know what do
>run off, walk home
>fake beeing sick for next week to avoid school

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>Be me
>25
>Banging the shit out of this legit 8/10 grill
>Yoga Instructor
>Great tits
>She fucks like a porn star
>Pull out to switch positions
>Sounds like she farted
>I fart too
>Turns out she just queued
>ohshit.mp3
>Keep going
>Awkwardly ends when I can't finish
>She goes home
>Tells our friends what happened
>FML, haven't fucked since.

>>683301000
I'm pretty sure I was that 8/10 nuts chick...., awkward

>>683298495
Top kek laughed my ass off

>>683307438
Yeah, mine was only once for 7 days straight. Everyone basically felt bad for me and said my parents had me as a slave. But suddenly I am so vlose to fucking a hottie and they lost their shit. At least we kissed a lot.

>>683300899
>as a way of arguing we just draw each other getting fucked by tentacles

What the fuck is wrong with this place

>>683304041
750ml of gin in one go can kill. It's unlikely but it happens.

You could look it up for 30 seconds before spouting bullshit but that's less fun isn't it?

>>683303637
Jesus fuck anon

>>683308134
The actuall fuck man

>oh noes mabey she wanted her skirt in her ass crack better push it back in!

seriously what the fuck where you thinking?

>>683305310
I'm 24 and I intend to fap to that picture.

>>683307966
What's a "Q" spade tattoo? Does it mean she likes cucking?