>>678568429

Fucking elves.

"funny"

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>trying to download DnD for free
>get virus
>buy new PC
>haven't learned
>try again on new PC
>another virus
>MFW I pressed the wrong download button twice

>Be a tiefling
>Group is around lv. 6
>Encounter a medusa and a bunch of snakes, clearly meant as a miniboss battle
>Everyone prepares for battle
>Decide to fuck this noise
>Cast thaumaturgy, making my voice boom unnaturally loud, giving me a situational advantage on intimidation checks
>Yell "Back to the dark depths from which you spawned!"
>Roll intimidation check
>Perfect 20
>Scare off medusa and all the snakes
>Piss off DM

on another session through the same story arc,

>Encounter another miniboss, a giant bat
>Since character is a druid, have bonuses to animal handling
>Cast speak with animals, animal friendship, roll very high persuasion checks.
>Bat miniboss becomes my new pet
>Further piss off DM

>>678569703
>download DnD
Fucking kill yourself, right now. do it. Stream it

>>678569703
wait what how the fuck do you download dnd, isn't that shit tabletop nigga

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>>678568429

>>678570254
there are online services like roll20, but thats all browser based.....i dont know what the fuck that anon was downloading.

>>678570136
>>678570254
nah you can play on PC now if your not stuck in 1998

>>678570254
i thought dnd was an imaginary board game and it was all pretend

>>>/tg/

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>Be a elf
>Group is around sleeping dragon
>Wake up dragon
>Roll a 20 trying to persuade dragon to join party as pet
>Success
>Have to give a speech to dragon
>Giving speech and in walks mom
"I won't be getting any grand kids"
>MFW we're all social rejects who tfw no gf

>>678570567

No -- it is Satanic training in which beta teens attack the darkness. Good stuff.

>>678570679
be a man you beta bitch

>>678570254
Maybe he's trying to download PDFs of the books.

>fresh game, fucked up character introduction
>tied in the back of an ox cart
>ambush!
>cast speak with animals
>intimidate the ox into charging, kills all the lizard dudes
>kicked from the party because I almost killed everyone else
I don't like playing with strangers

>>678571001

And I don't like playing with elves. Fucking elves.

>>678568429
I was playing with a friend's father as the DM so he's very lenient
>be in group of 6, game just starting
>2 of the 6 have bags of holding (one is yours truly)
>Approach castle full of knights guarding a dragon's lair (don't ask, mind control shit)
>Have a godly charisma, high intelligence magician (homebrew)
>sneak up on one of these niggas
>the moment he notices me, cast friends as an added assurance of this plan working
>Tell the guy to get in the bag of holding
>happens around 15 times, only actually attacked a guy twice
>entire castle wiped of people.
>couldn't get the guards out because we didn't know their names.
through the whole god damn campaign with around 20 people in a bag of holding that we are literally unable to get out

>>678570567
>imaginary board game and it was all pretend
Like irl

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>>678571339
we all drawn our character since we're all friends and use pdfs

heres my elf character

>>678571001
so you were sitting at a table, with your buds, and they told you, youre done playing?

this is retarded as fuck

>>678570514
yeah you can do it on browser, you don't download that shit.
and the online browser communities are just fucking cancer.

>>678570679
just find a female DnD player. Problem solved.

>>678571646
Betterthananythinginthedrawthreads/10

>>678571533

You mean in the ten minutes or so before you suffocate per the DM guide rules? Or -- thirty seconds if there are 20 breathers?

The DM was an obvious elf. Fucking elves.

>>678571746
>I dont like playing with strangers
that is the exact fucking text you didn't read from faggotbot9000's post

>>678571746
>says hes playing with strangers
>"so you were with your buds?"

learn to fucking read

>>678571646

Looks about right.

>>678572018
who says we didn't care for them, you're implying we weren't opening and closing the bag every minute and a half (our time for suffocation was 30 minutes)

>>678572051
>>678572032
so he's sitting at a table with random people who spontaneously started a game of dnd, and they told him to get out?

c'mon, I'm being memed aren't i

>>678571836
Have you ever noticed that girls who do stuff like that usually smell worse than a lot of the neck beards that do?
It's not that I'm sniffing other people at the table, it's just I can't breath through my nose when I'm sitting next to one of those girls that play dnd

yknow i really think dnd is interesting, and i want to play it, but i have no friends. are there any online versions or steam games that are noob friendly?

>>678572497
why the fuck would he be there is it were all strangers, who would have invited him?

>>678572497
They didn't have enough players to have a decent session so they asked the site if anyone wanted in and I agreed. I rolled up a quick sheet and started the session with them

>>678572538
roll20 is semi noob friendly, if ya need any more instructions you can google it, many vids on youtube

>>678572537
In my group we have three or four girls, all are very hygienic and friendly. Although, I have met my fair share of gross neckbeard grils

>>678572639

Could be a Con game. He was probably playing an elf. I would have kicked him out, too.

Fucking elves.

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>>678572639
At first I said his buds. and you 2 called me dumb, now I say strangers and you are still saying im dumb

WHICH IS IT MATE, BUDS OR STRANGERS?

>>678569703
>download DnD
>Reaction pic.jpg
Kill your self newfag retard

>>678572908
Nope, I was playing human hermit

>>678572856

Get them the tshirts that say "boobs of DM control"

>>678568429
>Be in group of 5
>Bard full orc
>We are in a haunted catacomb
>My character doesn't give a shit
>Poltergeist is scary
>My character searches corpses
>Finds nothing every time except rotting rags
>So my character eats the rotten rags
>Have to roll d20 to see if my character gets sick
>It makes my orc stronger
>Always eat rotting clothes now
>I have twenty bits of rotten cloth in my inventory
mfw

>>678573122

Hermit? Well, then you wanted to be alone -- so what are you complaining about?

>>678573142

Cool -- I had an orc bard character, too. I had all his songs cross-reference to Viking metal and played them from my phone.

>>678573130
I think 2/4 of them would scratch my eyes out, the other 2 would call me a traitor :'^)

>play civ RPG with several friends
>nomadic hunter gatherer tribe
>things start out fine, berrypicker as fuck
>make village
>everything turns to shit
>bloody sacrifices occur randomly
>party wants to use skulls or bones for everything, including a skull throne
>cloth wearing savages roll to kill our own newborns
>literally only collect enough food and water to continue the cycle of internal killing
>never explore the map, tribesmen content to fuck and kill each other while drinking
>GM is getting annoyed
>fuckthis.jpg
>an 'Invader' roll comes up on some online generator hebuaes
>tribesmen wake up at night to fire in the sky
>transports land
>Imperial Guardsmen step out
>Blood for the Blood God! the chief yells
>Skulls for the Skull Throne everyone chants
>DM had the guards gun down all the adults within seconds
>commissar purges the old shaman and a few other remaining adults
>commissars now watch over our game and assrape characters
>literally slaves. Civ RPG is us being slaves
>trying to outbreed our occupiers and gather weapons
>Khorne's rage will be unleashed upon them

>>678570679
Your mom sounds cooler than you tbh

>>678573219
It's the easiest to write a backstory for a druid if you choose the hermit background, it was just a quick roll up

>Pathfinder group decides to try 5th ed (aka tabletop WoW)
>player that has never DMed before wants to be DM
>going through module to make things easy on new DM
>quickly realize how restrictive the system is
>get to a point we are fighting a large white dragon (adult if irc)
>can't beat its AC
>can't beat its spell resistance
>fighter's player say fuck it
>fighter grabs for the dragon's neck
>rolls 20
>dragon goes under water
>fighter manages to choke out the dragon before failing a hold breath check

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http://youtu.be/K2yREWt8iko

>>678568429
Is this a cringe thread?

Fucking 5th ed with a 30 dollar book that just gives you two classes or some extra parts for bards and rangers

And people wonder why video game companies get away with selling dlc

>>678574062
Here's a (you)

>be half-elf ranger
>party fights some baddies
>baddies are orcs, giants, etc but NPCs, not just standard mobs - these assholes had classes and magic items and skills etc etc
>fuck 'em up anyways
>giant had an enchanted boulder about the size of a basketball, covered in runes and shit
>I call dibs on that rock (exceptional STR 18/76 - 2nd ed. AD&D)
>never did find out how it was enchanted

>some time later, find some bad guys doing bad guy shit
>a bad wizard convention or board meeting or so
>I want to use this boulder I've been lugging around
>we have surprise, and thus initiative
>DM says 'make your attack roll'
>fucking natural 20!
>DM tells me to roll 4d8 (and get x2 for crit)
>half the room dies, the rest severely injured

I was always doing crazy shit. I once attacked a flying carpet. Not the occupant, just the carpet.

>>678574842

Half fucking half elves.

>>678574842
god damn elves....

>>678573363
I like this

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It took me a second, but I found some elf tits

>>678570136
>>678570254
>>678570490
>>678570567
>>678570893

Have you idiots ever heard of bait?

Also, there is a D&D MMO, but the post you're all responding to is b8

>be armyfag
>be in AIT
>some one decides to run a 3rd ed game
>first quest is to rescue a unicorn for a temple
>track baddies to a cabin in the middle of the forest
>bright idea
>block all possible exits
>set cabin on fire
>hear screaming
>hear horse screaming
>try to put fire out
>fail miserably
>fire burns itself out
>sift through ashes
>paladin finds unicorn horn
>takes it back to the temple
>paladin tries to apologize for our fuck up
>rolls a 1 on his diplomacy
>campaign becomes us running from the followers of that god while trying to get the paladin redeemed so he can use his pally cheese again
was one of the better campaigns I've played

>>678576113

That sounds like just about every campaigned I have DMed.

I bet the Pally was an elf.

Fucking elves.

>>678576113
kek'd

>>678576315
>I bet the Pally was an elf.
no one wanted to be a gay ass elf, not even an half-elf
but the temple was to Ehlonna
almost entirely elves
needless to say we avoided forests whenever possible

>>678577237

Cool. But you should have burned down the temple, too.

Fucking elves.

>>678576113
Tf is pally cheese

>>678568429
>>me as elf, orc, mouseman, rock person and human monk
your DM should be shot.

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>>678577636

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>be me
>lvl 6 warlock
>party is infiltrating bandit infested church
>we have a party of 5
>counted 22 hostiles, all in one group
>everyone is discussing how to kill these faggots
>brilliantidea.jpg
>cast illusion
>my illusion is a fucking naked dwarf with a massive boner carrying an axe
>gestures rudely at enemies
>roll for effectiveness
>perfect 20
>dwarf leads them into a mineshaft
>party member casts quake
>mine collapses
>MFW a horny dwarf kills an entire camp

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what a shitty thread!

>be me
>complete dnd newfag
>friends are slightly less newfag
>one dude was complete cancer, like actually, tried to roll persuasion every 5 seconds
>DM is also megascrub, but getting tired of dudes bullshit
>DM kills dude to make him stop, then they force him to build a new character that won't let him keep up his bullshit.
>DM has us discover new character being roasted over a fire by giant.
>rogue elf tries cut him down and "accidentally" drops him into the fire
Fucking elves...

>>678578255

If you had a real horny dwarf in your party, you would have killed them without burning a quake.

Fucking elf.

>>678578399
fucking elves...

>Pathfinder Rise of the Runelords
>be gnome illusionist sorcerer w/ veiled illusionist prestige class
>healer gets the Foxglove crazy focus
>Foxglove paints a true to life pic of her nude
>uses blood, fungus and feces as paint
>healer freaks the fuck out
>I "promise" to destroy it
>I win the opposed check by 1
>burn some paper and hide the painting
>use the painting for bonuses on disguise checks to glamour myself as her
>usually do this to streak through temples
>healer gets in all sorts of trouble
>keeps "having suspicions" that I didn't destroy the painting
>keeps asking me about it
>I keep winning the check by no more than 4
>final boss fight
>first action is to glamour myself as the healer in the nude
>almost let a Thassalonian runelord loose on the world because she keeps trying to kill me for ruining her life
everyone agreed that it was the best gnomish prank they've seen played out

>>678577636
auras
turn undead
lay on hands
magic
all the mechanics you need to be a paladin in good standing to use

>>678579078
All the reasons i was never a good paladin. I just yelled justice and hit stuff with a hammer. At least i wasn't an elf.

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>>678578255
Why the fuck is there a mineshaft in a church?

>>678579580

It was probably a dwarven church, you fucking elf.

>>678579580
are you retarded? the mine shaft is obviously outside

>>678579580
>campaign generation by rolling percentiles

>>678579500
paladins can be interesting if the DM allows them to be the same alignment as their diety instead of LG
really cuts down on the we need to save everyone and end all evils bullshit

Filthy casuals
>2nd Edition Advanced master race.

slightly off topic but i have a old World of darkness story or two that still manage to make me chuckle

>>Playing OG Mage
>>end up with two son's of eather in the group(super science instead of magic)
>>should get along, only the methodology is completely different so both think the other is a fraud and stealing the others research
>>shit hits the fan as the plot unfolds
>>Were'elefant shows up to wreck our shit
>>shit starts getting throuly rekt
>>Mage is almost dead
>>fuckit.jpeg
>>Its time for dirty ass vulgar magic
>>Attempt to solidify the fuckers shadow into a spike and ram it right up the bastards ass
>>Critical success
>>way too much success, lose control of the magic and need to make a roll
>>critical failure
>>end up rending the fabric between dimensions
>>daemons from the abyss start crawling out and dragging everyone else towards the hell gate
>>need to roll again since i failed backlash so hard
>>critical failure
>>End up with narcissism as a mental flaw
>>Mage ends up laughing like a madd man screaming at the daemons like they were his minions
>>party manages to fend off daemons
>>elephant fucker gets dragged to hell
>>manage to bullshit everyone into thinking it was "just as planned"
>>Entire party ends up thinking my mage is a fucking lunatic
>>MFW a double critical failure ends up being way more effective than anything i could have done
>>MFW i learn later that the elephant was supposed to be a reoccurring antagonist that I accidentally slaughtered.

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>>678580399
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FIiihhF5XU
I won Dungeons and Dragons
and it was advanced

>>678573705
>pathfinder

SDA faggot?

>>678568429
I ended a two-year campaign with a moon for a mount.

>>678568429
>Dwarf cleric, on first adventure
>My character's intelligence is 4
>fucking 4
>We are supposed to clear out a castle
>full of orcs and shit
>enter a room, full of strange magical artifacts
>most of us unable to figure out what anything does
>we find a strange cup
>we try to fill it up and notice that it never seems to become full
>cup of holding, cool
>keep on moving through the castle, killing shit
>go into basement and notice a strange hole in the wall
>huge half orc monk in our party punches the wall and breaks it down
>giant hall behind the wall, full of skeletons
>hundreds and hundreds of skeletons
>my character doesn't understand what's going on
>getting mad because clerics don't like undead
>the rest of the party starting to figure out what to do, there's no way we can fight all of them at once
>we notice there is a skeleton guy summoning them all from a portal
>half elf rogue guy decides to start a conversation with him from across the room
>turns out all the skeletons are invading the world, and we took them by surprise, he's quite embarrassed about the whole affair.
>we keep talking as my character gets madder and madder, not having a fucking clue what's going on
>after questioning the skeleton reveals that they ran out of space in the skeleton realm so they need to move into this world
>suddenly we remember the cup of holding
>the half elf rolls to persuade them to climb into the cup of holding
>literally trying to convince a skeleton army to push themselves bone by bone into a cup
>nat 20
>the skeletons are all in agreement that they will invade the inside of our cup of holding instead
>swole half orc monk guy sees me still getting mad
>he decides to pick up and throw me
>nobody tosses a dwarf
>I scream and flail as he passes his strength checks to throw me into the crowd of skeletons
>the skeletons turn on us
>fight ensues
>lasts for hours
>we barely make it out alive

>>678581766
fuck off, fucking elves

>>678580333
Yeah, my first DM was pretty bad. He had fucked up when we made our characters so he tried use my LG to make me fight the party's rogue and make us nerf eachother. I told him to fuck off, and shortly after that had to stop going. Unfortunately he had my character shit, gave it away to newcomer and had the new guy fight the rogue.

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>>678568429
>playing any edition after first

>>678570001
proskillage

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>>678582174
>not playing 2nd edition instead of the second best edition

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>>678568429
This is now a maasterchan thread

As a priestess of mchan, I'll answer any questions you have about mchan, and tell how much a faggot you are if you try to defend the dying shithole that is 4chan

ask away

gurps > DnD

>>678582677
To be fair, I typically play a hybrid between first and second edition with a few house rules.

>>678580582
>playing V:tM Sabbat
>new to classic WoD
>be Tzmisce flesh crafter
>start getting into the swing of things
>one character always fakes his way through the vaulderie
>ST realizes he's been running this wrong and him faking it should cause the chalice to shatter
>talk to us about how we want to proceed, continue as before and ignore that rule or have it take effect in future vaulderies
>the infiltrators player agrees that he should have been caught much earlier and is fine not playing that character anymore
>convince him to go a third route
>I make a chalice out of a living human
>the infiltrator pretends to drink
>the human explodes in shrieking pain
>pack is covered in gore
>several members are very devout
>infiltrator is quickly beat down
>play games of the hunt or strength or w/e the Sabbat call them to determine who gets to diablerize the traitor
>players deliberately lose so my character gets the diablerie bump to bring me up to the same relaative power as the rest of them

>>678581496
>SDA
is that the official fan club?
not a member
just play w/ a group of like minded basement dwellers

>>678582925

Was this fucking Mad Libs?

not necessarily but it does stick out on my mind as one of the more off the wall moments of our D&d adventures.
>be me
>first time playing Dnd
>play human barbarian
>been playing for a couple hours now but still feel kinda weird
>Dm looks at me
>"dude you are in a fantasy world, you can do anything you want."
>anything?
>strip naked and sprint through town
>tear sign off of shop and break windows
>randomly hump villagers
>get arrested
>party has to pay 55 gold to get me out
>party hated me because it was all the gold we had
>some of those guys still hate me to this day.

>>678583139
vampire: the masquerade

>>678568429
>playing campaign that's lasted a few years so far
>play unhinged drug addict elf fighter mage
>get into bar fights with other party members when drunk
>in overarching story arc involving finding and destroying evil books and the doomsday cult that's trying to use them to end the world
>they have spies everywhere
>separated from the party at one point wandering around town
>get propositioned by random chick
>out of game I know she's probably a spy because our DM is a devious bastard who likes to punish us for separating the party
>but in character he'd go with it
>try to roleplay even if it means a death sentence, so he goes with her
>of course end up getting roofied and wake up on torture rack
>get questioned about party members
>tell them to fuck off
>get hand chopped off
>party members manage to find me later just as he's getting his throat slit
>they kill the torturers and manage to heal me before my character dies
>still lost hand
>now have hook for hand
>permanent negative to attack for using off-hand
>never separate from the party

http://www.blindpanic.com/humor/vecna.htm

Not mine, but I chuckle every time I hear about Steve Jackson and the Head of Vecna, described here

>>678583967

Fucking elf. Typical.

>>678583967
I should also point out that nearly every other time we separated party members someone has gotten brutally killed. We only have three party members who were there from the start and my elf fighter mage has lasted pretty long otherwise. It's been a brutal campaign and it's still going.

>Be a human paladin built for tanking and for keeping our mostly chaotic party in line.
>Our sorceror is caught stealing or something stupid so I intervene to try and right the wrongs here.
>The DM makes me do a diplomacy check.
>Fucking Nat 1 (we treat 1's as critical failures.
>My paladin just says something offensive and flips everyone off.
>Guards pissed, better try and fix that with another diplomacy!
>Nat. Fucking. One.
>I am now basically insulting everyone and pointing my halberd at them.
>Guards are beyond pissed, my party is pissed that I keep getting 1's and forces me to switch dice so I don't do something retarded and get us all locked up.
>Nat one.
>...
>...
>...
>DM is in tears at my shitty rolls and tells me that my character screams "I am responsible for all of the bad things!!!"
>Guards get massacred by my mighty halberd swing. Innocents somehow get killed as well.
>DM forces me to be a blackguard at level 2.

>>678568429
>used to adnd v2..
>join up with unimaginative v3 group....
>playing paladin in group with rogue and stacked warrior...
>weird rolls.. crummy strenght, stupid great dex... fuck it... specialize in spiked chain, get shield with spikes... figure lulz can be had.
>going through kobalt dungeon...
>find locked door....
>warrior gets ready to break through door.
>wait.jpg
>listen to door...
>sounds like kobalds on other side...
>does the door open in towards them or out towards us?
>in towards them
> I knock on door...
>dm...wut?face
> "I knock on the door"
>... rolls to see if they open the door..
> say "when I see the nob turn I kick the door as hard as possible"
>boot door in with great roll...
>stunned Kobald flying..
>wrap attack other Kobald with spiked chain....
>critical hit!
>I yank him into my spiked shield.
> dead..
>door Kobald stunned...
> last Kobald shitting itself to death in corner.
>other party members are like "we never thought about knocking...
later on in same dungeon...
>open door..
>cafeteria full of kobalds..
>oh shit jpg.
>"I close the door and mimic glue it shut"
>friend playing rogue at this point losses it laughing...


fun times

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>>678581766
> mfw 'nobody tosses a dwarf' topkekerino

Also, story time.

>be me
>DND newfag, playing 5e
>DM is very experienced
>World is futuristic post apocaylptic post trump america with magic n sheit
>half homebrew half normal.
>get on train that goes from coast to coast
>even more advanced than what our characters know
>enemies on board have machine guns
>our party be like
>'whet defeq is gunerino'
>One person in party has wifi (WHOLE NOTHER STORY)
>Only website he can access is AskJieves
>Ask jieves how guns work
>'DNA Signature'
>characters be like
>what the fuq is Dee In Ayy
>Roll imagination (charisma) to see if I can discover how to use gun
>Nat
>fucking
>20
>mfw half elf ranger with 19 Dex has a fully automatic machine gun
>also figured out I was my own grandfather later on that train
Cont?

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>>678568429
funny but immature dnd story
>be me, level 5 female elf, in party of 4,
>after a dungeon went to shitty part of a town
>everyone decides to go to an inn
>everyone talks it out on whos rooming with who (we're cheap)
>i decide to room by myself becasue i was balling in gp
>after paying room cost, i get a complementory drink, i drink it
>i go to sleep
>le me, wakes up with a mouth full of dick, and paralized.
>i get pissed, once the spell wears off i try and chase after the rapists
>i fail, but notice the inn is made of wood.
>i start pouring out my vials of burning oil because fuck this place
>ignite the oils
>run away, jumping over guards (dex check)
>as a leave the shit part i realize all the houses are made of wood.
>fire spreads, 2/3 of this area are engulfed in flames
> i have to escape town (via sewers) and wait for the rest of my party to find me.

And that's my story on how i got mouth raped, burnt down most of a town district, and got away with it. never did find my mouth rapist. Sheet as proof

>>group goes into town
>>sees half-orc running only open market stall
>>adventure only tells me he has 'pickling barrels'
>>group asks what he has for sales
>>"fucking pickles I guess"
>>Ranger insists on buying all of the pickles
>>warlock then pays the half-orc another 50 gold to then hide all of their newly acquired pickles all over town
>>like, literally everywhere
>>everywhere they go I have to mention pickles
>>pickles on desks
>>in front of doors
>>wedged into hats
>>open musty old book, ruined by the juice of the pickle contained within
>>Ranger later gets a pet boar
>>it starts eating all the pickles
>>permanently has green shit around its mouth because ranger refuses to clean him

I miss that character tbh

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>>678585073
More pls more of this thread forever

>>678586222
sweet trips, checked

>be me, lvl 5 dryad anti-paladin
>group of 3, lvl 3 drow rouge and lvl 5 halfling barbarian
>reaches end of dungeon
>Minotaur
>ohshit.jpg
>barbarian attacks first
>choses to rage
>using tonfas so can attack twice
>lands all 4 hits
>each hit is 1d6 + 4
>gets 6 on each roll
>fucking 40 damage plus the 25 dealt by poison we gave it before fight.
>fucker couldn't even draw his sword before he hit the dirt.

>be in a group with one player missing for a session
>me playing his character for him
>DM: "Okay, as you slay the blue dragon it crashes to the ground with a colossal boom."
>Me as friend's character: "I check to see if the dragon is a female."
>DM: "It is."
>Me as friend's character: "I crawl into the dead dragon's vagina and just have a great time."
>DM: *rolling his eyes* "Okay."
>rest of us loot the room for treasure, DM forgets about my friend's vaginal exploration
>DM: "Suddenly, another dragon crashes into the room, landing on the body of its mate and roars in anger. It unleashes a blast of lightning. Everyone roll saving throws."
>everyone: "We make it."
>me as friend's character: "Ooooh, I don't make it."
>DM: "Character is dead."
>me: "OOOH OHH WAIT! Character couldn't have gotten hit by dragon breath, he never left the dragon's vagina!"
>DM: "Oh well in that case Character was crushed inside dragon vagina when its mate landed on it. No saving throw. Just instant dead."
>got friend's character killed inside dragon vagina
>best party member death I was responsible for that day

>>678585073
I can never understand why people try to shoehorn D&D rule sets into non-fantasy and/or high-tech settings
there are so many more versatile system and systems built around those settings
>shadowrun for high-tech fantasy
>WoD for modern monsters
>GURPS for just about anything
>Wu-Shu for low chance of death but high chance of failure in any setting that the players can agree on a set canon

>>678587385
>that day
please moar

>be chaotic neutral character in neutral evil party
>just got "project force" psionic power
>decide to test out power "on nearby stable boy's ass"
>16 points of damage to an NPC's ass
>NPC had only 4 HP, so instant death
>was standing in front of his father
>turn to party member and shout "NOW KILL THAT KID'S DAD!"
>minutes later, carving the meat off the bones so bodies will be "harder to identify" when guards catch us red-handed
>me to fellow party members: "ATTACK!"
>fellow party members attack
>About six or seven turns later the town is burning to the ground and all townsfolk and guards slaughtered
>all because I tested out my new psionic power on "some stableboy's ass"

>>678582677
my 2nd ed friend

>>678585216
With a name like that...
Fucking elves.

>>678588038

There's also this one : >>678588182

Literally the most autistic thread i have ever seen

>>678587385
You're the reason why i don't let people play my characters. although i have managed to get my character's hand stuck to an obviously cursed dagger. And my DM decided i was to be permanently haunted by a ghost because i took too long on the phone with my girlfriend at the time.

>>678588285
Im not much good at naming, id be creating my sheet all day if i had to create a true elven name.

>>678588523
>sees thread about thing he doesn't like
>reads thread
>comments about how liking thing he doesn't like is autistic
>being this autistic

>>678587385
You are a lvl 3 colour? What is a rouge? What are you 11??

>>678588038

>playing shitty pirate campaign
>spend a vast amount of time and energy trying to make sure no one person gains all the power in the group
>miss one session and come back to find out we got our own ship in that session and my least favorite party member weaseled his way into becoming captain
>spend several sessions plotting ways to kill captain
>captain meta-games and has his character come to my character, asking for truce
>agree to truce
>that very session captain decides to attack a small island to get some vague treasure despite the fact that many of our party members are absent that session
>call his decision foolish and suggest to wait until we're at full strength
>captain ignores, we attack
>in attack, captain gets critical hit by some random mook and crit table says "torso destroyed, killed instantly"
>captain storms out, throwing hissy fit
>next round first mate gets critical hit, instant killed
>me: "I cast animate dead on captain and first mate, turning them into zombies and making sure they can't be resurrected."
>captain's player returns
>me: "I raised your character as a zombie. You can roll dice for his attacks, if you want."
>decided to keep zombies as minions and a reminder not to fuck with the cleric
>later the rest of the crew complained about the smell
>ordered zombies to cut meat off each other, turning them into skeletons
>upheld truce

>>678588523
Used to be that us guys getting together to play DnD were geeks, or nerds. Now we have to be autistic, too.

>>678588743

In my defense, I was the one of the least shitty persons in that campaign. One player stole another character's only weapon in the middle of a dungeon "just to alignment shift." Since I was chaotic neutral I saved their asses just as much as I screwed them over.

And yeah, letting people play others' characters while they're absent is a bad idea. As a DM I never do that.

>>678588523
that's nice
now go back to your football role-playing game

>>678590057
Defense taken. How do you feel about DMs running their own character? ive had a few DMs do it before, simply becasue my normal party gets sidetracked, to say the least.

>be in party going into town
>me: "I'm gonna go have sex with some random lady."
>friend: "Haha, yeah some 11 year old."
>me: "Try multiplying that by two, jackass."
>friend: "Haha so two 11 year olds."
>most walked-into situation ever on my part

>>678591153
if the character doesn't take a lead role and is used to round out a party I'm fine with it
but DMs that play a character so they can control both ends of the game is annoying as fuck

>>678573539
This story amuses me

>>678591153

In that same campaign the DM ran his character as a pyromancer who turned into a lich. So we were a group of 5th level characters and he got to be a lich. He was a total dick about EVERYTHING.

I think DMs that run their own characters are just fine so long as their character isn't the star of the show. If someone running a game and just wants your friends to be his lackeys and his henchmen that person is a shitty DM. Using your own PC to move the plot along is fine if the party are the heroes of the story.

>>678577237
>needless to say we avoided forests whenever possible
kek

>>678590105
I play real football, dont have to be in a basement pretending

>>678591669
I agree, so far i haven't had that kind of problem with the people who usually DM in my friend circle.

>>678591941
and yet you are so fascinated by D&D that you took the time to read the thread, post, and wait around for a reply
what is it that you think you're doing here?
the people in this thread have been made fun of most of their life
they have long since quit caring what people who don't like them have to say
if you want to hang around and read about D&D great
you want people to praise you for being so awesome because you like popular things and don't like unpopular thing you should probably move on

>>678592815
And honestly nerd shit like DnD isn't even unpopular anymore. I've played sessions with jocks and hot chicks (I mean they're usually the girlfriends of one of the regular players but they get into it too), it's not just pimply-faced weirdos anymore.

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I've never played dnd but I'm enjoying this thread. Don't have a large enough group of friends that would ever play a game like this.

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>>678593334

Yes! It's been de-stigmatized! Alllll thanks to that wonderful movie in 2000!

>>678593615
Dear god. Don't remind me.

Though I think the person who wants to forget it the most is Jeremy Irons.

>>678593334
You forgot to add drug dealers in there, its always interesting having a dnd session with drug dealers. dnd doesnt discriminate.

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>>678593837
Are you sure? Looks to me like he was having a blast.

>>678594316
Do they let you sample some of the product while you play?

>>678594706
Depends, through trial and error my party has discovered what drugs make dnd better, worse, and doesn't change it.

>>678594576

I think that was after he put those tentacles inside the guy with the blue lipstick, so I think he can look back on it and say "It made more sense than Batman v Superman"

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>>Playing with friends, first time ever.
>>Character is a half-drow vengeance paladin, who was raised by humans. Dude is an elf-weaboo. He loves elf culture, but doesn't really know anything about it. Rejected his human name and took an Elven name, without realizing it literally meant 'Bread'
>>We encounter a Kobold who tries to lie to us about a super powerful demon and won't admit he killed all the miners in the cavern.
>>His eyes keep darting off.
>>Roll Intimidation. Natural 20.
>>His children are being hidden there. A newborn and an 8 year old.
>>I hold his baby by the legs upside down and demand his admit his crimes and swear fealty to Tyr.
>>He refuses.
>>I drop his baby to the ground, put my foot on his head and ask again.
>>He refuses.
>>Stomp on baby's head. Babby is kill.
>>Little girl runs away, I throw a javelin into her back.
>>My companion kills the now enraged Kobold (He was pisssssed)
>>We get ambushed by 15 more kobolds. We're level 1, we can't win.
>>I take lard from my food rations, cover the body of the little girl in it, light her on fire with my torch and chuck her flaming body at the kobolds. Intimidation check. Natural 20. They all flee in terror.

My friend was so damned pissed.

>>678594950
adderol and weed with a mild hallucinogen?

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>>678588182

>>678595215
a low dose of lsd with a small party makes things more interesting, more vivid concepts of what was going on
weed makes things more chill, little to no other effect.
adderall made people focus, but more paranoid in game
we never did combos. Plus my experience with normal use is that hallucinogens and amphetamines dont mix (excluding mdma)
though getting your DM drunk usually seems to be a good way to get one of 2 outcomes, either everyone gets wrecked, or everyone gets overpowered shit.

>Ravenloft campaign, I'm the DM
>one of the PCs is a ranger who can inexplicably understand animals
>party encounters an estate infested with "madness fleas"
>a duck, lousy with madness fleas, approaches the party
>duck: "I AM THE LONE DUCK OF THE APOCALYPSE! THINK OF ME WHEN YOU LOOK TO THE NIGHT SKY!"
>PC who can't understand animals: "KILL HIM!"
>PC who can't understand animals charges, punts duck through a window, then drops a treasure chest on him for good measure
>Me: "..."

>>678572538
Nethack

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>Go to LGS to do Wednesday sessions with my buddy because we don't have friends
>Too many people so we got pushed to and overflow table with some meek nurse lady
>Going to ruins to investigate some ghosts or whatever
>Group of treasure hunters outside
>One of them is a Dwarf named Kurig (or something)
>Stereotypical dwarf
>"GOLD! GOLD! I LOVE GOLD!"
>I tell them that we should team up and they can keep all the gold since we're just here to investigate
>Deception through the roof
>DM is taken aback
>We were supposed to kill them
>Find this pool of holy water or some shit
>Look in
>DM asks me to describe a memory in which I let someone down
>Make up one
>"Do you regret it?"
>Sure
>"Have a buff"
>I wonder what happens if you don't...
>"Kurig, look in this pool"
>'No!'
>"There's gold at the bottom" Deception all day baby
>Kurig stole a (gold) ring from his uncle
>Does not regret it
>Debuff
>Take some holy water in a vial
>Find this door that emanates intense heat
>"Hey, Kurig. Touch this door" My charisma never gives out
>Kurig dies
>We loot his body
>DM lets us use holy water to bring him back
>"Your buddies stole all your shit, dude"
>Treasure hunters fight among themselves while we use the holy water to cool down the door
>Enter a small room, empty save for a lit brazier in one corner
>Disembodied voice starts taunting us and then begins to ask a riddle
>I can hear the other group still trying to solve the riddle in their session
>Interrupt DM--"Can I use perception to find where the voice is coming from?"
>DM indicates a corner
>I throw holy water at it
>Missed
>But imp is asshurt now and bites my friend
>That imp never did anything again

I am a DM. This is one of the most ridiculous stories that happened during my first campaign.

>big group (people come and go but 5 players consistently attended)
>They are exploring an underground cavern underneath a vampire's mansion where many of his "goons" live and work
>they find a room where a wizard is working on a potion
>party is asking him questions about his workings and his association with the count (the head vampire)
>A rouge is silent and just standing there observing the conversation
>he pulls out a pebble that he had picked up from a beach from the first session

here's the good stuff

>rouge tosses the rock
>have him roll to see what kind of damage it does and if it affects anyone in the room
>18.exe
>knocks over a beaker and starts a chain reaction
>book shelves falling over, candles start burning pages, and a liquid pours all over his desk which destroys the wizard's recorded findings
>'THAT WAS OVER 100 YEARS OF RESEARCH! YOU SWINE!'
>rogue doesn't give a fuck
>open up to spellbook
>"FINGER OF DEATH" (a roll of 19 or more instantly kills targeted creature)
>Roll a natural 20
>Rogue dies instantly
>everyone including myself sitting at the table with our jaws dropped for 5 mins
>felt so bad but the player wanted to roll another character because he liked how the situation unfolded

There's more because the necromancer wanted to learn Finger of Death. Anyone interested?

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>be me
>half-elf ranger
>chaotic neutral
>camping off-side road
>my shift for watch
>hear rustling in brush
>fire arrow and miss
>its a child in armor
>approaches me and sats "I'm supposed to take your money' cowardly
>oblige and give it 9 silver
>attempts to stab me but only pokes me
>straight up choke slams the kid
>DM is fucking appalled
>alignment change to neutral evil
>mfw

>>678597688

yes

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>>678568429

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>Playing D&D at work
>Local retard is DM
>House rule: skill checks can crit and crit fail
>I roll like a god

>Being railroaded along in whatever nonsensical dreamstate 2deep4u campaign DM has in mind
>Find a genie blocking our escape from the infernal plane
>Genie, FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER, wagers himself in a game of riddles
>Riddles are stupid easy
>We have a genie now
>I proceed to critical diplomacy him constantly to get him to grant me wishes as favors because he likes me so much
>We leave the infernal plane
>Turns out that gate to the infernal plane was in an oven, in a restaurant, on a different continent
>We pop out of the oven with a genie in tow, terrifying everyone
>Restaurant abandoned
>DM: "oh nooo you have to find your way back so you can stop this evil arena thing!"
>'Nah, dude. We're gonna take over this restaurant. That unliving guy used to be a sous chef. What do we want to do about tables?'
>DM writhing in impotent fury
>Town sheriff barges in
>He hates undead even more than he hates niggers
>Wants to take our sous chef away
>noway.png
>My rolls aren't critting and we're running out of options for getting out of this situation
>HEART OF THE CARDS
>I slip on a magical talking ring, the powers of which I hadn't yet figured out
>DM rolls a die
>My god lifts us all 20 miles into the air to let us look around
>My god lets the sheriff and all his buds fall to their deaths
>My god gently lowers us down
>Thanks god
>Walk outside to figure out outdoor seating
>Bandits
>Bandits also have a genie
>Hoping that the DM would continue being retarded, I utterly misuse a spell to force the bandit to wish that his genie belonged to me
>DM continues to be a retard
>We start making wishes
>Genies try to twist them to be not what we want
>My sous chef is in another universe
>We are all level 15 bunnies
>I make a wish using very precise wording and, more importantly, with so many words that the DM can't keep up

>>678573705
Adult White Dragon, restrictive module, shit experience... anon, you were playing HotDQ, weren't you? 5e's great, just don't play that pile of turd they called a module.

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>>678599016
>Everything returned to normal
>Start using the same tactic to continue outwitting the genie/DM
>Genie/DM gets so buthurt that he creates a reality-destroying vortex and suicides into it
>We find ourselves stepping out of the infernal plane oven gate
>No genie
>Entire session was undone
>We never played again

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Ive always wanted to play DnD but never had anyone who also found it as interesting as i do, anyone know if theres like online versions?

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>>678598539

>>678597688

Background:
>Final battle
>have been playing this campaign every fucking Sunday for 2 years
>big conclusion to the storyline
>big war between good and evil
>the armies rage like waves against the sides of a ship during a hurricane
>playing this for 6 hours straight
>oh shit! This session has to be broken into 2!
Session 2:
>We gather once again and everyone who had played all came for this one
>13 people (travelling from out of town, school, taking time off work, etc)
>They confront the main evil deity
>suddenly he transforms into a colossal dragon
>roll_initiative .gif
>Necromancer has the first turn
>”FINGER OF DEATH!”
>Rolls a fucking 20
>”I am not letting this happen unless you roll another 20!”
>Rolls, yet again, a fucking 20
>”Roll one more time!”
>ANOTHER. FUCKING. 20.
>MFW he one shots the fucking dragon
>MFW 13 people made plans to be here
>MFW we played for 10 mins
>slambookshut.mov
>Necro feels bad and says we can pretend it doesn’t happen
>”Roll again…”
>20
>20
I bought him a tshirt that said, “I won D&D”
He literally rolled the most 20s I have ever seen

>>678599799
Check out a site called EpicWords.com

Its a community where people seek players for games online. Usually through skype and a program called MapTools. They send you the server number and bam!

There are more rpgs other than D&D on there, but its a good spot to get involved. Playing at a table is different, but this is a fun way to play!

>>678598016
fucking elves

>>678568429

>Go through the entire original module "The Temple of Elemental Evil".
>Long ass module, spent months playing through it.
>(yes this was in the 80's)
>Had a thief in the party that had bounty hunters after him from past adventures, he was majorly wanted.
>After major battles these bounty hunters would attack the party
>When we were weak and vulnerable
>Some how we all survived.
>Did the end battle at the temple.
>Bounty hunters show up and try to kill us.
>We are all really fucked up but survive.
>Offer a potion of heal to said thief.
>Write a note to DM, it's a potion of poison
>Thief fails saving throw.
>He dies, I cut off his head and throw it in a sack to take to the nearest town for a reward.
>Rest of the group cheers as this happens. DM laughs his ass off.
>Thief player is devastated.

>be a party of 5
>w-gnome cutpurse, gnoll ranger, 1/2elf priest, human samurai, woodelf druid
>on the way to an abandoned gold mine to find ores for a quest and some loot and extra for party
>leaving the plains and desert around the human capital and now in the jungles
>mistakesweremade.jpg
>the party is clearly fucked if they keep going
>literally no supplies left
>have to set up camp or shelter up until next in-game day
> find an ancient tomb decorated with eobny
>party fails perception checks for an approaching beast
>party can see treasure in the chasms at the bottom of the tomb entrance
>everyone starts freaking out
>druid is the only one asking people to stfu
>be me, DM
>punish these dipshits for being loud by spawning a spinosaur
>party runs to tomb for shelter from 7th level beast as they are only 4t level
1/2

>>678573539
What game is this where can I find it?

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>Facing a bad guy (sexy villainess)
>She puts a compulsion on me to take her hand and walk through a portal
>DM didn't accept any of the reasons I came up with to resist the compulsion
>My character, historically, has been kind of a retard
>I go with her
>Next session, I join my party as a new character
>They find my old body in a bedroom right behind the room where I'd died
>Tied to a bed
>mfw I was raped to death
>mfw my party chose to loot instead of trying to find and save me.. one room over
>mfw I didn't look at the thumbnail to see if it was a face

>>678601098
2/2
>party is now trapped in the entrance by a wall of force
>spinosaur is too big to get in but is still prowling around outside
>w-gnome does his w-gnome bullshit and manages to bypass the wall
>spinosaur starts squeezing into the entrance
>w-gnome fires his crossbow
>crit 20
>wall of force rockets the arrow into the spinosaur
>spino critically fails Reflex
>wasted.gif
>its head is blown off but the body is stuck inside the entrance
>w-gnome fires again for shits and giggles
>another crit
>guts and bones go everywhere
>next session comes around
>w-gnome wants to cut open its gizzard for loot
>crit 20 again
>party is showered in gold
>my spinosaur scare spawn backfired entirely
>iamdisappoint

>>678599865
Unimaginative dm

Perfect scenario for "this is not my final form"

>be me
>full warrior minotaur
>on a major boss battle
>I initiate
>I tell DM I want to charge with my horns
>I roll a 20, I attack twice because of class
>I 1 shot the boss
>boss wasn't shit to a huge minotaur

>>678601333

Wow. What a shit DM. Such an abuse of power >:(

>>678583967
How can one get in on this???

>>678584343
Seriously, I want in!

>>678601764
They had gone through the "This isnt my final form" with this villain.

The mechanics of running a complicated war scenario was tough.I should remind you, that this was my FIRST campaign ever. Of course it was cliche. I've been DMing for 9 years now.

>>678602097
>>678602162
I dunno, I just happened to know people into DnD. This campaign is my brother's and the players are his and my close friends, his girlfriend, and some older guy they found on the internet who's been playing DnD for decades (he's pretty cool).

If my brother wasn't into DnD, I probably wouldn't have ever played it. So I guess your best option is to network.

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>>678582174
Fuck you 3.5 for life!
My motto? Fuck THACO!
I'll get the seven digits from your mother
For a dolla tomorrow

>>678602334

Dragon Ball Z villains would laugh at your villains lack of additional forms :)

>>678603272

I like your style

+300XP

>>678570679
I play dnd once a week with some friends online.
Never had a problem finding dates or girls to fuck.
Just dont be a beta faggot.

>>678603011
I just hate how everything is dictated by rolls in later editions. I prefer it to be more roleplay-based (that is, whether some kind of diplomacy check works depends on your character's charisma [reaction bonus] and WHAT YOU ACTUALLY SAY), so if you're an uncharasmatic fuck you can't just roll a nat 20 and get the whole world to fall in line. Same for the opposite situation. It's about staying true to your character and keeping your wits about you rather than just rolling dice all day.

>>678568429
>half-ling rouge
>accidentally start a riot inside large town
>somehow convince townsfolk that the oligarchy knew about it
>riot moves to their tower in the middle of town
>decide government might have useful info
>climb tower to get to the leaders trapped inside
> try to help them bar the door
>super weak cannot barricade door
>guy busts through the door as last man is about to climb down tower
>threaten him to back down
>man raises lantern as if to throw
>decided to throw knife at lantern
>miss by a hair hit his wrist
>guy drops lantern
>building starts burning with most of the town inside

>>678603457
Yah that has to do with your dm...
Even if I roll a 20 if I say some stupid shit my dm dosnt let it fly.

>take gf to first DnD game with friends
>she rolls gnome with stealth skills
>we get ambushed in forest by wolves
>she climbs tree while we all get terrible rolls
>she remembers the hobbit book, rolls to set pine cones on fire and use as projectiles
>rolls 20
>DM is in awe and allows it
>throws them at wolves
>sets forest on fire
>we all burn to death

Was hot as fuck

>>678604147
sounds like you have a cool gf. gratz

>>678604013
then why even bother with the rolls

seems kinda redundant

>be me
>DM
>first real campaign, not some random battle or anything
>cliche af
>something about 4 keys to unlock an artifact
>2nd key is guarded by dragon
>bard spouts out, "I ACME it"
>pick number between 1-100
>gets number
>drops giant boulder on dragon
>mfw

Still continuing this campaign

>>678602565
I mean that campaign specifically.. I was assuming it was online and not tabletop

>>678603457
So in other words, you want a non-shitty DM who recognises that the character sheet doesn't fully describe the character?
I ditch plenty of checks (AD&D + Pathfinder was what I grew up on, D&D5e currently) while DMing, simply 'cause it makes sense.

>Helf Bard in the party cons his way into becoming a Marquis for dragonslaying
>lied about the whole thing to party, said they were going to loot a black dragon's lair, but never told them that there was a royal bounty out on it
>told royalty he'd done it all on his own, gave them dragon's head as proof
>gets rewarded with title of Marquis, comes with small townhouse
>player doesn't notice, but I don't make him roll on most interactions with lower-class people anymore because how the hell is a peasant going to know that legally the marquis can't just walk off with his horse, he's used to corrupt shitheads as nobles

I bet you think ce characters are literally incapable of keeping promises, too.

>>678604394
To determine the bit in between "that's never going to fucking work" and "that's obviously going to work" that we call "hey, it might work, what other way to we have to determine if it will or not?"

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>>678588523
>>Is ok with trap threads
>>is ok with fur threads
>>Is ok with americuck threads
>>is ok with loli
>>DnD is autistic

>>678568429
Is that Central Park?

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>>678568429

I'm a half frap half cap cup of elf and cappuccino. That's all you faggot AD&D players know now. People tell old stories and you have no idea how to relate to it. Fucking millennials. What is a saving throw? I only know how to make a stamina check to how I respond to my own feelings. Faggots.

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>>678570001

I don't understand why DM's get so butthurt when you don't follow their exact scenario they had in mind. I play fast and loose as a DM and I encourage ingenuity and creativeness. I would've rewarded such actions. Imagination is what the game is all about anyway.

>playing a asmir
>monk
>DM "you see 2 cenatuars run at you"
>i grapple and yell JOHN CENNA
>nack fucking 20
>snaps neck
another time
>chassing some guy
>finaly catch up to him with party
>he has 3 body gaurds
>proceded to beat the shit out of one
>other 2 get close to boss
>SPECIAL ITEM ACTIVATE
>throw cube that hits big guy in the head
>yell out "HERE'S JOHHNY"
>cube is a pocket fortress
>bursts out of ground killing the 2 guards and breaking the main guys legs

>>678606434
>I play fast and loose
just like ur mum

>>678604539
tfw players are also constantly trying to roll to ascend to godhood

>>678606000
chekd

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>>678569448
Exactly what i was thinking...

>>678606568
QUICK! SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!
CUZ YOU JUST GOT BUUUURRRRRNED!!!!!

>>678570514
He might have ment the videa game? In any event he's still an idiot.

>>678568429
"funny dnd story" sounds like "this one time, at band camp..."

>>678572538
Neverwinter on xb1

>>678571646

I shit my pants

>playing rise of the runelords
>in a haunted house
>in every room, some random haunt occurs that harms the player, but that player gets a vision of what went down in the house
>decide to 'give in' to visions to get full story
>I get volunteered since I am a barbarian=low will save
>tie rope around myself and hand it to the party
>"here, if shit goes down, pull me out quick"
>go into room, see painting turned around. Obvious trigger
>turn painting around
>DM tells me I am overcome with the sudden and undeniable urge to kill women
>first person behind me holding rope is a female
>turn around, rage, power attack
>down her in one shot
>fuck.jpg