Your parents are glad they didn't abort you.

The Jews are innocent.

I helped cover up a murder.

> not starting with a story
I got one for ya, OP is sucking a dick right now. But that's not so hard to believe

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I turned down a FFM threesome because I was a scared virgin.

>>674141484
I bet you're been regretting that ever since

I fucked a 34 year old hot as fuck personal trainer. She was in the best shape imaginable. She approached me, I didn't have to do any work.

Literally no one believes this. I only told the story to my friends once, they said "wow, cool" and that was it.

I'm fine with it.

>>674141235
>complains about OP not starting with a story
>"got one for ya"
>posts shit story

nigga you gay

I'm Batman

That one time... I was phone.

Shit still haunts me to this day.

>>674140788
OP is a faggot

i saw will smith in an airport with his faggot son before.

>>674141148
hahaha

>>674144421
That's believable you silly faggot

i invented the milhouse is a meme meme

I can believe its not butter

>>674142070
>Literally no one believes this. I only told the story to my friends once, they said "wow, cool" and that was it.

pictures of her pls

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>be me
>be 24
>in this house with these two bitches, chilling, drinking beer.
>they just moved in together
>tonight we play vidya, drink
>soon they will learn from each other I've fucked both of them
>mfw.jpg

I'm being wrongly accused of sexual abuse by one of my co workers

I have shaken hands with HM Queen Elizabeth II

i was in a band once and I somehow ended up accidentally fucking the frontman's girlfriend for a while.
I was so drunk and stoned all the time and shed ride my dick when i was too fucked to even know
Id remember the following morning and be like "sweet, i got laid"
She actually took my virginity and the p00n flooded in endlessly after because self-confidence boost

I once farted the tune of Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby by Mariah Carey.

>>674144868
Believable.

part 1

>be 19
>hacky sack with crew in parking lot downtown
>fucking 8 o'clock
>suddenly girl yells out window "how's that hacky sack goin?!"
>tries to turn her car around and proceeds to hit curb
>"hows that car accident going?"
>second girl in passenger's seat rolls down window, asks which of us is the cutest
>"I am!"
>second girl "a man with confidence I like that! we need a designated driver come over here

I had the pleasure of sucking Eric Wareheim's hog. Twice.

I met Jimmy Saville when i was a kid, my cousin met Fred Talbot, neither of us got raped

>>674144994
Kek'd

>>674145126
I didn't touch her. Still believable?

>>674140788
OP ISN'T a faggot (believe me u guys XDDDD)

>>674145430
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

>>674145160
Great story! Bounced on my boys dick to this for hours. Really liked the part where you said "fucking" cause it reminds me of your sister last night. Just remember to tell your dad she's off the birthcontrol because you don't want to have a suprise borhter/sister I suppose. See you tomorrow at breakfast John!

Best regards, your uncle
bush did 9/11

I sent a dick pic to a girl and now i can't stop masturbating to the conversation.

>"wow are you serious"
>"thats like the size of my foot"
>"no way is that for real"

> Be me.
> Be 18.
> Find sketchy dude on CL to fuck me.
> show up at his place.
> Smoke and drink it up.
> suck him off a bit.
> get on all fours.
> Let his dog mount me.
> suck him off while large lab is knotted me.
> go back for seconds.

>>674145230
nice I heard he was gay but not really out in the open. howd you guys meet?

>>674145160
>*end quote
>walk over, both girls in tight ass slutty dresses, tit's ready to fall out
>ask how old I am
>lol 19
>unsure of their pick, but go with it anyway and invite me into the car
>proceed to sit on second girls lap and wave to my friends as I drive away
>look behind me and there's a drunken bro, one beer in each hand with two other chicks on both sides of him, one already passed out
>again, 8 o'clock
>girls say they have a test for me, and if I don't pass they drop me off and find someone else
>lol k what's the test
>"you gotta fluff yourself up"
>I knew what they meant, but I had to make sure I asked them "fluff myself up?"
>backseat bro suddenly shouts "COME ON MAN! FLUFF YOURSELF UP! THERE'S A FUCKING TIME LIMIT!"
>*begin hesitantly over the jeans rubbing my cock while sitting on second girl*

>>674145825

lets see it....

>>674145899
Mutual friend. He's bi not gay.

>>674140788
>sitting in chair reading book between classes at ucla
>it's a psych building like...3rd floor maybe
>just me and a few chairs
>little niglet gets out of elevator, walks over and sits next to me
>"whatcha doing?" "why are you reading?"
>why is this 6-9 year old niglet harassing me?
>"sitting here, reading"
>niglet pushes me, slaps my head, hits my book
>starts jumping around
>wtf is going on?! there's got to be cameras on me. i'm getting the fuck out of here
>niglet slaps my head again, flailing around
>get my shit together and walk to elevator, get in
>niglet follows me and gets into elevator
>stares at me and makes silly nigger faces at me
>elevator doors open and niglet tries to stop me
>push niglet aside and leave building

was it some kinda experiment? why did this random niglet assault me?! i want answers. no one believes me. i wanted to pick her up and throw her through the window. all that rage is still inside me. every time i see a niglet i think about her and wonder, "you're a big nigger now and you're out there, somewhere". this was almost ten years ago.

I gave Bam Margera a blow job in Austin about six years ago.

>>674145825
strokin that ego hard huh?

I bodybuild and use steroids because I'm too much a pussy to actually kill myself. I've tried before and both times chickened out towards the end but my hope is through a few years of gear use, lifting, and just partying my heart will explode or something bad happens that I don't see coming and can't stop. It's actually quite a liberating way to live in a sense. I don't want to really be alive but for the time I am alive I don't have very many restrictions on the things I put my body through.

>>674146247

Guy or Girl?

>be me
>be 15
>just got out of swimming in river with mate
>he's in the shower
>I'm freezing, waiting for my turn
>In kitchen and see toaster
>pull dick out and hold it over the top
>warmth from toaster heating up dick
>dick gets bigger because the heat
>hits metal top of toaster
>FUCK!!!!
>10 cent size blister of side of cock
>mate runs out and starts laughing
>my 21st gives me a toaster
>toaster has "toast only" written on it
>tells the story to everyone at 21st
>parents and gf look at me like wtf?!

>>674142350
OP detected

>>674146274
No he's stroking his cock. He even said it.

I was often called "tall" as a kid even though I'm only 5'9"

>>674146274
yeah its not even that big, only like 7.5ish. Im pretty sure all her boyfriends just had small dicks cause they were all semi fat.

>>674146494
Bam is a guy you retard.

>>674146494
this is the most important question I've seen all month

>>674145665
wow cool, i watch internet comment etiquette with eric too. good post bro

anyway

>touching myself for probably 30 something seconds before backseat bro starts shouting at me again
>I get pissed and yell "I can't fucking fluff up with you yelling at me like that"
>second girl says "i'll do it"
>wut
>reach arounds me and starts feeling me up
>instant hard on
>while this is happening driver girl runs up onto the curb, nobody else says anything so I continue the random molestation
>girl says I pass, and everyone in the car celebrates
>pull up to bar in town with all these fucking sluts walking around outside
>again, 8 o'clock

>>674145841
Did you know about the dog before hand?

>>674146247

pretty sure killed Ryan Dunn, Trippin balls, on the road, Goshen Pennsylvania, us on road, trippin, don't give a fuck. car comes, fast, we dive, car swerves, big crash. car on fire, we run. next morning, no more Ryan Dunn...

>>674145374
No, I meant the part where she accused you. It's believable that a woman will falsely accuse a man of sexual assault. I believe that you never touched her.

>>674144868
Are you black? Because if you are then the story fits the thread.

>>674147138
No, he told me he had a surprise for me. When the dog was done, he finished in me too. Easily the most shamefully thing I've ever done.

>>674147092
it's been 8 oclock for hours, m8

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>>674147064

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>>674140788

Reddit, as faggy a site as it is, has gotten me laid twice.

Randomactsofblowjob is the tits.

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>>674147092
>pull up too random couple
>second girl says this is her sister and her fiancee, chill with them while they park the car
>chillin with fiancee and sister when out of nowhere "BAM!"
>driver girl fucking hit a car in the parking lot, with the people still in it
>massive shitstorm accumulates outside the bar
>walk up to second girl and say "I gonna go"
>"yeah that'd be best"
>literally walk around the corner to meet up with the crew
>their face after I told them what happened

I was raped by Kevin spacey in an alley during a party in williamsburg

>>674147964
nah it all happened in 15 fucking minutes, we just drove around the corner

>>674140788
Israel is good. Palestine is bad.

>>674148226
lucky
did he cum inside?

>>674148060
Fuck it, I'm trying this.

>>674143190
No way, I was guy straight making out with my honey on a couch.

>>674146581
>shit mate

>>674141484
turned down a threesome cause recently lost my virginity

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>>674148226
badass
i hate sex too anon.
so gross and feels good.
i didn't even make any money.

The holocaust didn't happen.

>>674148482

Shit works.

First time was literally the week I broke up with my wife, like 3 days later, met up with this 19 year old suicide girl hopeful and fucked her brains out.

The next time ended up turning into a pretty regular friends with benefits thing with this woman who looked like the epitome of a sexy librarian who loved to suck dick, be choked, bitten hard, and thrown against walls.

She was the best.

>>674142891
I'm bateman

I was with a friend and his dad when I was like 16 and a Crazy space craft that looked like it was out of star wars or some shit flew over us, stopped and hovered within clear view, and then zapped away like all those stories(that I used to think were bs). We all had our phones but didn't grab them in time to get a picture or video because we were so amazed.

>>674147157
are you shitposting?

>>674140788
>be me
>go on tinder chat up cute girl make a date
>pick her up and she says her friend wants to go to the bar with us
>totally bro out with friend and joke about being wingman to pick up a guy for her
>actually makes the whole "date" very fun and relaxed
>bar closes without her even talking to anyone else
>suddenly a wild threesome appears
>have threesome
>they both pull off their masks to reveal they are both clones of bill murray
>they say no one will ever believe you

seriously though never experienced surprise threesome like that before and no believes me.

Every month or so my gf cuckolds me and gets me to give her lover a blowjob before he fucks her. What she doesn't know is that I regularly meet guys on Craigslist to suck off

I have managed to fool several mental health specialists and my parents into allowing me to spend my entire life as a NEET

>>674148226

You re a guy right ??

I met him few times
And he s so gay when drunk

>>674144824
>soon they will learn from each other I've fucked both of them
they already know faggot. First thing girls talk about.

>>674148982
>shit works

how, exactly?

>>674145899
suckin poopcicle

>walking home from friends place at 4am
>smoked some grass and we didn't realize what time it was
>minding my own business as usual until i hear running behind me
>turn around to see kid running up the street
>he runs right up to me and asks me for a lighter
>"yo dude can i borrow a lighter? "thanks you're a really nice dude. where you walking?"
>"oh to the 7-11 just down the way"
>the guy starts walking beside me while smoking a cigarette
>"oh dude nice me too hey we should walk together. pick up the pace a little..."
>red flags are going off like crazy
>we start walking together and everytime i fall behind a just a little bit he demands i pick up the pace
>"oh dude thanks for being a normal guy who i can walk beside hey can i tell you something"
>"i'm being followed by some bad guys from my buddies house"
>"DON'T DO DRUGS MAN THEY WILL FUCK UP YOUR LIFE AND SHIT DON'T BE LIKE ME!"
>at this point i'm starting to panic but try to make conversation with the meth head
>"so why are you on the run from these guys anyway?"
>"OH FUCK! dude my friend gave me this jar of meth that was like half full and said drink it"
>"so i drank it and now he wants to kill me bro, isn't that fucked up hahahaha?"
>that's when i ask him
>"hey am i a hostage?"
>"what no man no, but hey you should walk faster bro because i don't wanna get fucking
seen by the bad guys.

>>674150188
stfu you jew

>>674140788
My dad was D.B. Cooper

>>674146146
lol

I pissed next to Hugh Laurie in an airport bathroom once.

>>674150208
>we continue to walk downtown and eventually make it to a bank.
>he walks me into the bank and says he has to deposit something into his account
>"yea just 1 sec bro i just gotta put this pool noodle in the mailbox
>what
>he goes through 3 gift cards before actually putting his bank card in
>he proceeds to start rapping and hitting the machine while it looks into his account
>when its done he grabs his cheque and tears up it and the envelope before
stuffing it into the machine
>"hey uh buddy, do you want me to do that for you?"
>"what? no bro i'm good good just gotta send this to my boys to start my business"
>he apparently wanted to start a used jewelry, furniture and car store
>he then begins to walk towards the door and forgets how to open it
>he winds up to kick the glass in before i stop him and say "here man i got it"
>we continue to 7-11 and help him get a glass of water
>halfway there we end up at an intersection
>the meth head turns to me and says "dude stop and act cool ok? nothing suspicious"
>he then takes off his shirt and begins climbing the stop light
>he says nothing as he does it and even took the time to do some pull ups on the light
>the light eventually changes and he jumps down
>"phew bro, nice."

When I am OP I am not a fag. No one ever believes it

I have some sick blowjob stories
>be me
>16 yo virgin
>meet girl in school, kind of a how
>date her
>walk to park with her
>we sit next to a tree, she starts blowing me
>hnnnnnnnggg.jpeg
>look to my left and see an old lady with her three dogs staring at me
>I nut in gfs mouth while staring into old ladies eyes
>break up
>blowjob queen will be missed

>>674149977

1st time I just made a post that I was looking for a blowjob. Going through a tough time, getting over a divorce, later that day had a firm response. So just put yourself out there but don't make yourself seem desperate, none of that "i'm a virgin looking to lose it." bullshit.

2nd time, saw a post, responded with a pic. (don't send a dick pic unless they're asking for it) talked a bit on kik, we were completely anonymous to each other, never even shared our names until the 2nd or 3rd time we fucked. She was big into rape fantasies too. She said that she had gotten a hundred or so responses and thought I was the best looking, so it's all personal preference in the end.

It's essentially a numbers game, if you're in a smaller city and decent looking the odds are in your favor. Just make yourself look good or just the right amount of sad and you've got it.

I got a quick handjob from my hot proffesor at university, and sprayed her with cum all over her pants-suit

>>674150541
>we finally arrive at 7-11 to get him his water
>everytime he turns away i look at the cashier and lip "call 9/11" or "help!"
>he buys a pack of smokes and asks if i want anything
>"oh a pack of anonbrand papers please. no wait i want this one instead..."
>i try to buy enough time for someone to call the police but
he gets impatent
>"here just buy these and lets go man"
>we walk out of sev and he nearly falls over
>i tell him maybe we should take a break and sit down for a while
>we sit for 5min and he keeps rambling about all the meth and drugs hes done
and how i should not do drugs and blah blah blah
>"hey when are we going to split up man?"
>"next morning"

>>674140788
>16 year old, 290 lb fat ass in highschool
>befriend Chinese girl, 14, who is kind of new to America
>She's super dorky and dweeby, quite the FOB
>Hang out at all the cool HS clubs: anime, chess, video game, etc
>Last day of school rolls around, she's 15 now
>Invites me to her place
>Parents are gone(own a Chinese gift store, lulz)
>She tells me to sit in her living room and wait for her
>I do
>She comes out in nothing but a pair of panties
>"...Do you think I'm pretty?" she asks
>I stammer some sort of confirmation
>We make out for a while
>Try to go further, but fail
>She leaves and gets dressed
>I go home after her thanking me

>be me
>22
>start selling pot to some of my friends
>do well
>meet someone who sells MDMA and shrooms
>decide to diversify my product range
>get call one night from random girl who got my number from a friend
>go to bar where she is
>girl is 8/10
>has 6/10 friend with her
>tell me they're spending their last money on MDMA that they are buying from me
>decide to chill with them for a bit, buy them each 2 drinks
>they ask if I live close and have alcohol at home
>say yes
>they want to go to my place
>fuckthisplace.jpg
>go home
>getting drunk, I didn't take any drugs, they did
>6/10 tells 8/10 she has a crush on her
>they start kissing
>holyshit.gif
>8/10 says she finds me hot
>start kissing her, kiss 6/10
>8/10 takes off her shirt, 6/10 follows
>take off my belt
>they pull down my jeans
>start sucking me off
>they strip naked
>i drag my double bed mattress out of room into living room
>snort some MDMA
>have threesome until sun rises
>we fall asleep
>later 6/10 goes home
>8/10 just stays around, we fuck, eat, drink, fuck again, repeat
>she ends up living with me for a week until her dad rocks up at my place and forces her to go home

And that is how I had my first FFM threesome and got a girlfriend for a week with no strings attached.

>>674150864
>"next morning"
>"oh but i gotta go to work in the morning man"
>"oh thats cool we can go to my friends place bro hes got a car" we can stay there do some meth and then get you to work tomorrow"
>we argue for a min before i say
>"we can go to my meth dealer for a hit and a place to stay"
>his eyes light up and we continue walking
>he started getting really into his rapping and starts rapping about all the drugs hes did and how people can have sex and die
>as hes rapping i give him a beat to rap to
>he drops the beat into second gear and gets tangled up in his words
>now its 2 dudes at 5am walking around making noises that slightly sound like tupac
>"aw thanks bro i really dig that bro, fuck you should help me publish my mixtape"
>"your mixtape?"
>"yea mixtape you know like people who do rap make a max and then buh supa buh buh buhlolalalalala"
>he stops talking english for 2min and we continue walking

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>>674140788
>be me
>16 years old
>dating a cutie
>slowly corrupt cutie with deep throating, anal etc
>she loves it when i call her a dirty slut
>tells me her fantasy is to be raped by a bunch of dudes
>she slowly becomes a real psycho over the next couple of years.
>ditch her and join the army.
>watching porn with army buddies a few years later.
>teagan presley
>mfw

>>674141484
I turned down a threesome because you can only fuck one hole at a time.
I'd rather perfect DPing a chick myself, before moving on to fucking two vaginas at once.

>>674140788
The only time I've ever jumped over a fence is when I was running out of my then-girlfriend's basement while being chased by her dad after he caught her blowing me

24 now, this happened when I was 16

>>674141148
lost

>>674150990
>he's goes back to talking about all the drugs hes done and all the guns he has
>i keep trying to make the conversation lighter, even at one point i suggested we talk about maccaroni
>we start to pass a bookstore when he sprints over to a pallet that was propped up against the wall
and starts to unleash a 40-hit combo onto it
>i let him finish his thing and he comes back with a 2x4
>"whoa man put that down, you don't wanna attract any cops do you?"
>"oh fuck bro you're right"
>he throws the 2x4 like a javelin into a concrete wall and starts laughing
>i calm him down and we continue walking
>we get halfway to my "friends" place when he starts to panic
>"dude why are we walking this way? the guys who are looking for me are
down there"
>"oh shit well lets go through this parking lot"
>"do you think they have a phone to call a cab?"
>he runs over to a nearby store and starts banging on the glass to get a greeters
attention
>the woman looks at us and walks off in a panic
>fuck
>everyone in the store starts going into lockdown
>FUCK
>the meth head starts to organise a nearby antifreeze display
>FUCK FUCK!
>we wait for 3 min and 6 guys come out and tell us they've called us a cab
>the cabby comes and we get in

>>674149456
hi leddit

>be me 17
>ditching school
>hear someone breaking down back door
>grab dads shotgun
>guy runs in
>panic and shoot
>blow hole in his stomach
>it was a guy I was pretty close with


Everything happens for a reason tho 21 now and doing very well for myself started a new life after that in a new city I have a rep for being "a very shy nice guy"

>>674140788
im a furry

>>674142070
wow, cool

>>674141484
i don't doubt this..i did the same and would still..even though I'm not a virgin..too much to handle..sadly

I helped rig voting terminals to calculate 3 votes for Hillary for every one vote for Bernie

In high school my mom walked in on me and my then girlfriend fucking.

Except we were under the covers, dressed up top, a movie was playing, but my cock was inside of her.

Said we'd be to dinner soon and went about plowing that ass as soon as the door shut.

I kind of want to ask her if she knew.

>>674151257
>the cabby comes and we get in
>the cabby is some arabic fellow who is trying to gain our trust by talking
about drugs and stuff
>i give a look of please fucking help me and tell him to go down to my "buddies" place
>as we drive around the head is in the backseat feeling the leather and humming to himself
>the cabby drops us off and we do the whole "heres the wrong change, to buy you time"
>"so bro wheres your friends house?
>"i know it by landmark and i usually walk to it from that store"
>we walk to the store and starts getting paranoid
>"hey bro are you sure where you are going?"
>"yea like i said i know it by landmark"
>"k i hope so, ill fucking kill you bro ill FUCKING KILL YOU BRO, just kidding hahaha"
>great now i'm going to die
>lure head near phone and call random number
>"hello?"
>"is this OP my METH DEALER?"
>"who the fuck is this? hello? who the fuck are you?"
>"OP I DON'T HAVE TIME TO FUCK AROUND WE NEED METH"
>the head grabs the phone from my hands
>"bro we just need a place to stay for a while and like 2gs..."
>he talks to the guy on the phone about drugs and place to stay until the person hangs up
>"hey dude come with me i gotta poop"

>>674149829
Yep. I was smoking a j and he jumped me. Got me in a chokehold

>>674145825
Size of her foot..
Girls have tiny feet

>>674151629
>he runs behind a shed
>i look around for places to escape from but the head dropped a turbo turd
>"hey man come back here for a sec" he says as he wipes his hand on his pants
>"dude did you shit into you're hand!?"
>"no"
>he fucking totally shit into his hand
>he trys to get me behind the shed for 3min before he fucks off
>i run down the steet and loose him
>naw just kidding the fucker found me
>and hes sprinting up the street after me
>i look over and there's these two people walking down the street
>i tell them whats going on and they help me out of the situation i'm in
by taking the head off my hands and letting me run away

and thats how i was almost killed by a methhead

>>674151753
i didn't read your shit story
>just saying

>>674142070
wow, cool

>>674144796
>Nope.jpg
I'm too scared my nigga. You understand.

>>674151617
Similar story but got caught sneaking gf out of the shed in the back after it was all said and done. Mom was pissed (16 at the time gf was 15) and my dad didn't give a fuck tbh. Just told me not to knock her up. Mom joked about it the other night with me though so she's cool with it now

>>674151055
What's her real name, faggot?

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>>674150782
sounds like a good way to get herpes or robbed. i don't want that.

>>674151971
>51971 ▶
>>>674151753
kek 10/10

>>674144954
>bassist detected

>>674151096
keep telling yourself that

>>674151673

I feel for you /b/ro

>>674151753
Jesus Christ Anon. I know people like this meth head and I totally believe you dude. Meth heads have threatened to kill me too just because I was in their company NOT taking meth while they were and telling them ''I'm not doing meth with you because I am not fucking retarded'' Never ever do that. Ever.

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>>674151753
Enjoyed the tale of adventure.

I tried to burn my town church to the ground. I threw a Molotov cock and the entrance it just burnt the carpeting and stained the bricks. Every cop and volunteer fire fighter was there it was Halloween to so I had a bunch of candy I trick or treat at 20 so what I like candy

I fit the 4chan stereotype. I'm a fat, autistic "neckbeard" who faps to trannies all day with dominoes crumbs on his shirt

>>674142070
wow, cool

>>674152891
wisconsin?

>>674152891
What the actual hell....

>>674152536
Top kek, he prefers MMF. Why don't you just go ahead and come out the closet my nigga

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3tTm0odTIc

>>674150333
nice trips but you still ate the brownie

>>674152950
Fuck. I haven't had Dominos in months.

>>674152599
TBH most of the stories i have are really fucked up and this is the first one that actually included someone who was on drugs

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>>674152031
step up pussy nigga

>12 yo
>jacking off to fake picture of naked pic of Selina Gomez
>Dad walks in abruptly
>quickly put blanket over boner . he didn't notice
>naked pic takin up full monitor
>waiting for him to look at computer screen sweating
>yells at me about something stupid
>walks out
luckiest sumnabitch

>>674152891
what. the. fuck.
You're one sick individual.
You are a hazard for the community and they should lock you up.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SUGAR THERE IS IN CANDY?!

>>674147064
Nigga you the retard hes asking if anon is a boy or girl

>>674144922
very unbelievable. unless you are another country's royalty, or family of the queen, not supposed to touch the queen.

>>674149124
I'm Norman Bates

>be me
>be oil trader for Texaco
>be at a bar in far north Houston one night with trade bros
>working the babes all night; no luck
>time to go home to wife
>walk out in parking lot of club
>on my way to car
>sedan with 4 hot white/latina chicks pulls up beside me
>"want to party? We can't go in because our boyfriends are looking for us and they'll come here. Hop in..look at these..."
>I hop in as they all show me a tittie or two.
>I am in front seat between two. Two in back with small cooler of beer.
>the two in front where I'm in between tell me to start feeling their titties. The driver pulls into a parking spot in the crowded lot. I start feeling titties.
>The two in back start COMPLAINING that they want some action!
>mfw in oil trader's dream come true!
>Girls in back tell me to come back and get a beer
>I squirm up and over front seat back , on my back grab beer and getting titties in my face...
>suddenly my zipper on pants on lower half of my body still sort of in front seat gets zipped down
>hand on my dick and dick gets pulled out!
>driver starts sucking my dick! What a party!
>after a short while, girls in backseat yells, "Oh shit! Parking lot security headed this way!!
>Massive chinese fire drill as we all get dressed
>Get out! they yell, get the fuck out!!!
>I sort of roll out in the lot and off they drive.
>I try to recover, zip up, straighten up, and FUCK! Wallet is gone. Picked right out of my pants. No security guard in sight. About 750 cash gone besides usual wallet contents.
>Go back in club and tell everyone the story.
>Party continues inside. Live and learn.

>>674142891
Kek

>>674151096
>DP
>solo

Obvious virgin, or bad comedian. Pick one.

>>674153349
that looks like it would damage his organs and lead to heavy internal bleeding, what the fuck is wrong with porn these days

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>>674153349
Nah fam cuz I know for a fact she be on here and I'll be damned to fuck this up. You understand.

>>674140788
I know a guy that makes electronic device faulty when he is near them

>>674153788
Nigga got rolled. That sucks

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>>674151753
oh man. this makes me so fucking glad i moved away from spokane, WA. i hate tweakers. 9/10, would read again, been in somewhat similar situations many a times...

>>674153788
i was wondering why those bean pies blew you for free.

Bill Murray did Garfield because he thought that it was a Cohen Brother film.

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>>674154363
Do you think they all shared the same toilet?

>>674142070
wow, cool

>>674153788
>very believable
Pussy has been the cause of this for ages. Whoever does t belieb you is virgin maximum.

>>674140788
Snorted coke backstage with Iggy Pop. Banged one of his groupies. Tour bus dropped me off close to home.

>>674140788
I lost my virginity in a threesome. The first 5 times I had sex was a threesome with the same two girls. Never even came close to having a threesome again.

>>674151753
kickass story, someone screen cap

>>674140788
my dog ate my homework

>>674153015
Minnesota

>>674153016
Like you didn't trick or treat and shit its free candy day and I love candy

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>>674155278
get a job and buy your own candy you nigger!

>>674153349
I used to know this bitches name.

>>674140788
I'm a virgin

>>674146494
Guy
>>674147064
Kill yourself.
>>674147074
Really?

>>674155617
it's jessica brown party town. you can find her on backpage under "dj truck nuts".

>>674155525
No

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>>674140788
I went to a "no whites allowed'" event held by students today, and got kicked out (after lying about being mixed race for an hour) because I asked questions which "didn't respect the safety of the space."

>>674151393
what were the repercussions thats insane

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>>674155837
why not?

>>674155860
You can't be serious.

>>674149537
wow looks like the jokes on her

i would be a professional skateboarder
i just give up skate cause i'm a lazy ass dumbfuck who thinks everything in life is overrated and unnecessary

>i'm a real straight gangsta skating i would probably smack luan or pj ladd ass down in a
skate game

>>674140788
I am currently in the process of visiting 24 different escorts around my area been at it for around three years now

>>674155860
I heard about that

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>>674156139
Yup. They even used the UCLA "microaggressions" list as evidence of institutionalized racism.
>pic related.

>>674142070
wow, cool

>>674155713
>jessica brown party town

Yeah i don't even need to google that to know its wrong, thanks though.

>>674156304
Really, where?

>>674150541
>>he apparently wanted to start a used jewelry, furniture and car store

Alright this part cracked me up. I'm in tears.

>>674156372
>wrong

it's not wrong.

>>674144994
Lold

>>674148425
True

>>674156208
How do you fund these? Job? Background too richfag.

>>674156395
I heard it mentioned on twitter I think, it was a few days ago

>>674156632
k

>>674142070
wow, cool

>>674156831
Ah, might be a different one then what I went too. Was the school SFU?

I once fucked your mother,But its a true story.

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>>674156632

>>674156323
School was full of retarded pussies when I was there but my god have things gone down hill.

>>674156685
birthday/christmas/gubmint monies
got a job now though
tbh only seen like 17 so far 24 is what im planning and some of them ive seen like two to three times

>>674157644
gross.

>>674157738
How much do whores in your area cost? We talking BP here to actual escorts?

>>674146208
Holy shit that was funny. She probably had a crush on you fam. That's how children work.

>>674150188
Oy goyim

>>674158051
both
most are 120 for half hour 200 for hour but some were 60-100 and even 140 for hh

The OP delivered.

>>674152266

Anybody worth fucking has the herp.

Think about it...one out of four people has it. Once you eliminate fatties, uglies, and wrong gender you're left with one good one. That's the one everyone else is fucking, too.

>>674158285
Any fear of LE?

>>674157907
xhamster com/movies/686765/bam_strapon.html

>>674158663

nope leafland is pretty ok with it
cops have better shit to deal with

>>674156632
lady ginga, faggot.

>>674142070
wow, cool

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>>674158591
>top ten things people say once they admit to themself that they caught herpes

>>674158181
it's not funny though. that little nigger girl punked me. she slapped me. i was so emasculated and helpless. what could i do? i thought i was being filmed. i just imagined ending up in jail and all the big niggers knowing i was there for hitting a little niglet. i've never felt so trapped and angry in my life. when i win the lottery i'm going to find that cunt. i'll hire the Pinkertons to track her down. i will have satisfaction.

>>674157119
I'm not sure. I just remember something about a "no whites allowed" event at a uni to discuss "whiteness" and people were talking about going in anyway.

>>674141484
Third time I ever had sex was a FFM threesome. It was girlfriend and her friend. Her friend wasn't bi. So it was me awkwardly fucking her for a few minutes and then switching to my girlfriend and finishing.

>I failed to get two girls off at once

They would talk about how hot it was through. Never happened again.

I was walking home late at night once and as I passed a field someone cried out "HELP!" it was a girls voice..

I looked but didnt' really see anything but just as I started walking I saw some shadows so I took a closer look and it look like it was a guy beating someone up and since it was a girl that called help I figured the guy was beating up a girl.

I rushed over to them and just as I got there the guy stood up and turned to run but I was able to punch him in the face.

He fell and when he did I saw he had a knife in his hand so I didn't try to punch him again. The guy got up took one look at me and took off.

I looked down at the girl and her dress was pushed up around her waist and her legs were still spread open and I was looking right at her pussy.

She told me that the guy was trying to rape her and started thanking me for saving her and I was so heroic for punching the guy in the face even though he had a knife.

I helped the girl up and was going to walk her to a store so we could call the police but before we even got out of the field she asked if she could repay me and immediately wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. I was stunned but started kissing her back and then she dropped down to her knees in front of me, fished out my cock and gave me an incredible blowjob and even swallowed my cum.

Once she was done blowing me she thanked me again and told me that she was feeling better now and could get home on her own.

I told my friends about it the next day and none of them believed me at all. And the girl never reported it to the cops or anything so there was nothing in the paper to back me up.

>>674140788
i chased down a purse snatcher until he threw the purse at me and ran away, returned it to the old lady he stole it from

also i was in the sea org in scientology when this happened

>be horny 13yo
>have qt 3.14 cousin (daughter of moms step-sister, not blood relatives)
>make account for club penguin to play with her
>go to email to open up verification letter
>accidentally open some email that has boobs and ass, fucking spam
>instaboner
>yikes.png
>she notices and says its hot
>whip it out and start jerking for her
>we found those meet n fuck games on newgrounds
>she asks if I wanna see the real thing
>perfect cameltoe, round ass, perky nips, 8/10
>start showing off and rubbing each other
>we become masturb8 m8's and do this all the time
>at 18 we still fuck around at family gatherings and shit

>>674142070
wow, cool.

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>>674154090

If she looks anything close to this you are the man.

>>674159105

:^}

I am Tay-Tay

>>674158591
>1 in 4 has herpes

that's a dishonest statistic.

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>>674140788
Met up with a girl on here. We RPd a bit. I think I managed to find out her real name through some good ol fashioned hacking. I might stalk her a bit and see if I can get some more info

One time at a bathhouse I shoved my fist and forearm right up inside a guys ass right up to my elbow.

There is a second sphincter up inside the ass and when I penetrated that, he was sucking my cock at the time, he had to pull his mouth off of my cock because he almost puked from being penetrated so deeply.

>>674142070
wow, cool

>>674158927

I have fucked tons of chicks. It was gonna happen eventually.

When you play the game hard your uni gets dirty.

>>674142070
wow, cool.

>>674144994
You shit yourself on the high note for sure

>>674148425
no faggot

>>674144824
Wax?

>>674146208
If only I had a nickel for every time that has happened to me

>>674140788

I once threw a frozen orange and knocked a bird off a PowerLine. No one was around to witness how amazing it was.

>>674145230
How big was the hog???

I love to drink and drive and one time I was driving down the street and just finished my brew so I did a hook shot with the empty beer bottle out the window of my car and over my hood so that the bottle would land on the grass and not break but when I threw it, it hit a parking sign and exploded on contact.

It was pretty amazing.

>>674160772
cool story Hansel

>>674146710
THIS people don't understand what a fucking manlet is

Im not a virgin

>>674140788
putin is allergic to shirts

>>674161643
putin is allergic to nothing
he's imortal an killing machine

Last year, the week leading up to my birthday:

Monday, crashed my motorcycle and was only wearing a helmet, t-shirt, shorts and tennis shoes, got some minor road rash.
Tuesday, rode my bicicylce to the liquor store and on my way back, got chased down by a pit bull and it tore my ass up.
Wednesday, my phone broke. I dropped it and it just stopped working (iPhone).
Thursday, stopped at a gas station to get cigs and beer and a homeless guy outside threw some punches at me and kicked me in the back (dude was big, looked deranged and had a knife on the ground next to where he was sitting, just walked it off)
Friday, my birthday day, everyone pretty much completely ignored me and actually went out clubbing without me (don't like clubs).

Second worst week of my life (so far).

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>hippy tossed some stones into a hat
>he put his face into the hat
>the stones talked to him, granting him knowledge
>hippy formed a religion based on this knowledge

>>674153349
wouldn't that hit his diaphragm?

left home early
rode freight trains and hitchhiked
homeless
joined a gang
10 years later
girlfriends preggo
try to get out of the circle
become victims of gang violence
moved away to the middle of nowhere
to scattered to write a book

>>674161325
>this was good post

I saw Ryan Gosling at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.

He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”

I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

>>674162531
and that's why Ryan is my hero.

>>674156163

best trick? biggest gap/rail?

I fucked with my friend when we were 8, he's a guy and I'm a guy, we r both straight.

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>>674162874
You're already gay.

>>674142070
Wow, cool

>>674162840
ame of skate

>>674142070
wow, cool

>>674162531
Hello copypasta my old friend...

>>674162531
Wtf? Brotha doesnt even need to sweat 15 milky ways. I know that dude gets paid on that sweet notebook money or whatever gay ass chick flicks he is in

>>674159204
>masturb8 m8s
fucking kek

>>674146296
Start doing LSD

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>>674163581
get your pasta detector checked

>Be me
>12
>Waiting at bus stop
>Bank next to bus stop
>guy in wheelchair rolls up to me
>"Excuse me anon, could you help me get into the bank?"
>K
>Roll him in
>it's closed, just me and him in a small room between the 2 doors
>Roll him back out
>"thanks for the help anon, to bad it's closed"
>just before he wheels off
>"Alot of my friends call me Frank, but you can call me Wheely"
Nigga wut

I'm an Australian celebrity who has a job in day time TV and weekend gigs as a radio host.

>>674156323
HOLY SHIT

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Got pulled over doing 150mph in a 1970 el camino SS, and the cop let me off with a warning.

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>>674164796
Here's the poster for their event, note that it's for "racialized students only".

>driving a few days ago
>pulling up to a stop sign
>some car cuts a left turn across the painted STOP on the ground in front of me
>pissed, prbably have some dumbass scowl on my face
>look at the driver
>9/10 brunette gives me the sexiest smile as she drives by
>iaintevenmad.gif

>>674142070
Wow, cool