My car's mom tried to finger me in the back of my friend

>be me
>be 21
>be fresh in the military so weekend is always escalading
>drinking with best friend
>drinking hard, hitting one bar after another
>some friends show up with grill i dont know
>shes a 4/10 not fat just ugly
>my drinking habitats make her a 6/10
>my being in the base the whole week makes her a 7.5/10
>start flirting with her
>blahblahblah shes bisexual blahblahblah
>she wants to leave, to say goodbye she wants to hug me
>while she hugs me i "accindently" hit her tit
>she smiles and says: anon i know you did touch my tit on purpose
>idontknowwhatyouretalkingaboutgirl
>im gonna go to this barblahblah wanna come with me??
>dat tit felt good
>sure
>we go to the other bar
>i get even more drunk
>we dance together
>making out on the dancefloor and shit
>lets go to my place babe
>okay anon
>we take a taxi
>im so drunk i throw coins at the taxi driver and yell at him to drive faster
>lulz were had
>right before my house she says: anon im on my period
>fuckit im a badass soldier mothafocka im gonna see enough blood in my career
>no problem babe
>we go inside start making out like crazy
>plz anon im so shy dont turn the light on
>k whatever
we go naked and start fucking
>i finger her

>>686891457
cont.
>i assfuck her
>im so drunk its difficult to come
>anon youre hurting me dont be so rough
>fuckbitch shut up im trying to come here
>i behave like a fucking gorilla
>i dont finish she complains
>fuckthis.RAW
>anon i wanna go home
>turns out she lives close to me
im not tired so letsgo
>im walking her home
>im so drunk i throw beerbottles around (took a sixpack from home with me)
>she totally embarrassed and starts walking on the other side of the street
>stay here babe so i can protect you better
>i switch the side of the road to her side
>the she switches her side again
>this lasts for about 1 mile
>i get angry and start throwing beerbottles at her
>shes finally home i hug her say goodbye

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>>686891541
cont.

>i get home
>fall asleep
>next morning
>i look at my bed
>fucking blood EVERYWHERE
>i change the sheets
>go to the bathroom
>look in the mirror
>blood around my mouth
>FUCK MY LIFE
>i never ever showered that long and used that much shampoo like this day

couple of weeks later
>sit in cafe with buddy
>friends show up
>blahblahblah conversations blahblahblah
>they start talking about the grill i fucked
>they dont know it
>theyre saying shes full lesbian now not bisexual anmyore because men are pigs and disgusting and shit
>i start laughing so hard the whole cafe is looking at me

mfw i turned her lesbian

>>686890084
Bump and kek

>>686891541
You sound like a piece of shit. Either don't get that drunk, or start caring about what you do, to stop being a piece of shit when you drink

>>686891690
fucking 20,000 keks

>>686891690
Nah, she's most likely a feminist cunt that's trying to make you feel like shit for not abiding by her crazy demands.

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>>686892051

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>>686891457
>>686891541
>>686891690
You should probably not drink, and think about working on bettering your personality.

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>>686892051
>>686892749
i take that as a compliment thx guys

>>686890084
Fucking kek

>be me
>Visit grandma in the rural areas
>Father drops us of just cause he doesn't like her
>eat some mexican food
>stay a few days
>Go back on bus
>Middle of the road
>stomach starts hurting
>feelsbadman.jpg
>Tell mum
>"Suck it in, we're close"
>no can do
>Shit myself in public bus
>we get out, find the closest place I can shit
>McDonald's
>Dirty, public restrooms
>fuck it, I have to
>Continue shitting
>Pants are fucked
>throw underwear in the trash cause it's too dirty
>Go out to the mall to get some underwear and a decent pant

>Be me
>Having the worst cold of my life
>Be sittning in class browsing 4chan on my phone
>Come across this thread
>Reads OP's post
>Blows air out of my nose
>Sticky greenish liquid pours out of my nose
>I panic and screams
>Everybody looks at me disgusted
>Nosecum everywhere

>>686891307

did you have a stroke writing that??

>>686893170
Lmao dude that fucker's fucked

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>>686893170
kek

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>>686892749
he's in the military, he's literally so stupid that he will commit murder for the US congress for a small amount of money. if he can eat without wearing a helmet, and without injuring himself, that's about all he can accomplish on normal human levels.

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>>686893629

>>686893121
LoL

>>686893121
top zozzle

>>686891690
Never Stick Your Dick in crazy

>>686893678
This ginger realized hes fucking gay. That chick has potential

>eat mexican food
>faggot friends want to hang out
>eat more food at restaurant
>fag friends want to go to mall
>almost shit pants go into mall
>finally get to bathroom
>totally nuke the shit out of that toilet
>everyone in the bathroom making "wow" "holy shit" etc. noises.
>finally done
>exit bathroom in the food court
>like 20 people just stare at me

>>686890084
>be me in class high as fuck on k2
>sitting on my phone
>the teacher knew I was high but didn't care
>friend points at ugly girls ass
>"bet you won't grab it"
>niggawot.exe
>grab girls ass and she smiles
>I'm pretty high and horny now and reach over and grab the croch of her pants
>end up playing with her pussy in class while high
>I glance over at my friend and he is dieing laughing
>high wears off later and I fully realized what I did
>smoke more k2

>>686895134
Did you end up fucking?

>>686894954
same fag
>be me, 8 or 9 at school
>need to shit
>run to bathroom
>shit my pants once I enter stall
>clean up best I can
>leave undies in disgrace
>smell like shit rest of day

>>686890084
>be me 16 at the time
>smoked a fat blunt and went into McDonald's bathroom
>take a piss in urinal an I can feel some shit coming
>stoned as fuck I think it would be funny to shit in urinal
>pull down pants and press ass against urinal
>mid shit a guy opens the door and catches me in the act
>I glance up and we lock eye to eye
>I pull up my pants without wiping and run out

>Be 9
>At sleepover
>Everything is good for anon on the night, gameboy is fun
>Sleep
>We wake up early
>Friend gets up and tells me to strip
>Punches and bullies me until I do
>Nope.jpg
>Feel my nipples against my own will
>Cries
>Faggot's parents come in
>Faggot now in military

>>686895406
No I had a girlfriend at the time

>>686895724
Does he still call you on weekends?

>>686895724
>I am become Cheese Pizza

>>686890084
Smoking weed at 16. Fucking pathetic

>>686893788
US army fags are some of the dumbest people on earth. and the biggest assholes. I have never met an army person I liked/wasn't retarded. Doubt anyone here has.

>>686895997
A week later I gave them a few broken bones. Hard-ass kids, huh? Haha.

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>>686896235

>>686895708
samefag, again
>sophmore year, in class
>girl in front of my desk wear thong
> I glance over and notice
>faggots behind me start laughing; notice me looking
>they know the chick, and text her
>she looks over at me with a scowl.
ugh I have a shit ton more stories too. My life has been nothing but embarrassments.

>>686896380
>>686895997
So, no.

>>686892051
>>686892581
Not that I think he's a saint but who the fuck judges people on 4chan? What the hell happened to this place?

>>686896380
Their boners broke in your butt?

>be 17
>kiss less virgin trying to wheel a girl
>it's not going terribly well but I persevere.
>invite her to play civ 5 at the time
>get in Skype call
>have awkward conversation
>decide "shit I need a third party to help break the ice"
>throw my buddy into the call without explaining to him what's going on
>Skype starts shifting itself for no reason and her call dropped or something.
>now I'm in a call with just my buddy, so before I try to re-add girl to the call, I briefly explain to him what the situation is
>I say something like "dude she's gonna play civ with me and I need someone to help wingman me so I can finally get with her" or some autistic shit like that.
>out of nowhere I hear girl say "...what??"
>o shit
>she had rejoined the call just as I was telling all that to my buddy
>try and play it cool "oh what? Oh uh yeah haha hi I didn't know you were still there"

Needless to say I still am a fucking beta autist

>>686896625
keking out kek

>>686896467
It's not bait he's right. Smoking weed in house with a baby. If I was that sister I would have stabbed the cunt.

>>686897050
I was a stealth smoker, was never caught and my room never smelled. Still think this is b8 tho.

>>686897247
You are retarded if you think you can smoke in house without your room smelling. The only reason you think it didn't smell is that your mouth and nose were used to the stronger smell of actually smoking

>>686890084
lel

>>686895709
kek'd AF

>>686897495
I would know if it smelled because in the morning I could go from out of my room for like 5 minutes then come back in to see if it smelled or not.
Still think this is b8, tho.

>>686896519
MOAR

>>686897762
Whatever moron. Ask a non smoker to smell your breath after a day of no smoking. They will say it smells of stale cigs. Wither way you should be fucking ashamed of yourself

>>686896686
BETA af

>be me
>be 16 years old
>at gfs house
>gf wants to do the sex
>fuck.jpeg
>we start making out
>instaboner
>gf starts the succ
>I nearly cum so I tell her to lay on her back
>EatThePuss.peng
>we start fucking
>mid fuck she stops and covers her face
>I turn around
>her mum and little sister have walked in

Cont?

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMyf_LinnHM

>>686898342
MOAR

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>>686898156

>>686897999
trips demands it. ok
>be me, 6th grade
>gym class
>doing exercises
>partnered up to do sit ups
>friend is holding my feet
>lay a nasty fart while doing them
>everyone stops and looks at me, laughing
>I still had to continue doing the sit ups while my friend held my feet, smelling my gas

>>686897999
czeched

>>686898342
Continue

>>686893121
same thing happened to me

>>686898342

Cont.

>OFuck.jpeg
>mum starts screaming like a pterodactyl
>little sister is crying at this point
>I try to pull out
>hit my head on the ceeling
>ouch.nutmeg
>is dizzy
>passes out with my full erection out for every one to see
>wake up a few minutes later
>gf isn't aloud to see me anymore

>>686898550
>>686897762
Samefag

>>686893121
Pics or it didn't happen

>>686898963
How could you not hear them coming?

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>be me
>be 8
>hot as fuck outside
>light some firecrackers with my friends beside friend's house
>one of firecrackers I lit lands in the woods and the grass catches on fire
>friend's mom calls the fire department
>to stop the fire from spreading, we took turns peeing on the fire
>fire goes out
And I was banned from going to his house

>>686898963
Can I get dem digits?

>>686899105

I was in that pussy yo
WW3 could of started and I would of been like "hold up I'm gunna cum"

>>686899133
sourse

>be exausted, dehydrated, and possibly drunk
>fucking gf bent over
>20 minutes of ramming trying to cum
>i finally feel it thank god
>she got pissed if i don't cum and tries to start fights lol
>pull out
>dick is kinda limp wtf
>i came tho
>walk out of room to clean up in bathroom
>pull off condom
>where the fuck is it
>FUCKEVERYTHING.jpg
>babe? can you check for the condom?
>she freaks out
>show her guides
>she is mad as fuck
>go to hospital
>bitch doesn't even have health insurance, and she wont get abortion due to religious shit
>they get it out
>apparently jesus says no morning after pills
>3 weeks later she has her period
>im fucking excited beyond belief
>shes crying
>she told her mom

i had trouble seeing her mom after that.

That shit is fucking terrifying, we where in no place to have a child and i want to be married first. She wasn't even close to capable of being a mother, extremely dysfunctional.

>end semester party
>7/10 girl ask me if she can give me a hug
>yes
>cannot proceed
>make disgusted facial expression while hugging
>leave room lightning speed after hugging was done

had similar experience with a 8.5/10 in high school too except she was groping my butts

>>686899151
Sure
U.K. Though

07710127055

>>686895709
hahaha

>>686899454
some cunt named sybil picked up.

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>>686891307
Oh man i lost. Thank you anon

>8th grade gym class
>basketball
>I'm goofing around with my friends
>throw a basketball behind me really hard
>hit a kid in the face by accident
>turn to him and saw him holding his face in pain
>first thought was to say "oh shit. Do you want money?"
>my stupid ass thought financial compensation is what he wanted
>he's brown
>doesn't say anything but looks at me like I'm retarded
>he hates me from then on
Kinda reminiscent of the "are you fucking sorry" story

>>686899133
can your ass go back to normal after fucking it up that bad?

>>686899883
Nah it's her number for sure

07710127055

>8th grade me
>JUmp rope competition in gym class
>Winner get a medal so fuck yeah
>Literally jump rope for 15 minutes straight because other kid wants medal
>Finally win and they put me on this box to celebrate
>Step off box and faceplant in front of 100 fellow classmates bc tired legs

>>686899397
Wow

>>686900428
tits or gtfo

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>>686896618
>Not that I think he's a saint
>who the fuck judges people on 4chan

>judges
>judges for judging

>>686898605
samefagging
>be me
>in 6th grade
>have all the same classes (except gym) with on teacher (I was a SpEd for awhile; not the retarded classes, but the ones for kids that needed a smaller classrooms).
>awards ceremony in gym
>everyone else called up by different teachers for their awards.
>I'm called up 3 times by the same teacher
>Less and less clapping each time. The silence killed me a little in side, and made me stop caring about grades.

>be me
>4th grade or thereabouts
>wore my pants backwards to school for a whole day without noticing

>be me really drunk
>having sex and girl starts giving me shit about me not nutting
>I do tho, just a weak ass nut
>Doesn't believe me, gives me the succ to finish it off
>Feel like I'm coming again, nope, piss
>Piss in her mouth

Didn't really embarass me, it's more of a funny story

>>686900939
>implying judging
>2016
>being this new

>>686899105
>>686666666

>>686901454
oh shit

>>686901454
suprised there was no rape

>>686896519
Same

>>686901249
>need smaller classroom

Explainthis plx

>>686891690
keks were had,.

>>686891690
Anon... You took an ugly bitch and turned her lesbian. Literally the easiest kind of bitch to please, and turned her lesbian.

What's your name? You are literally lower than Beta. Since you discovered this new status, it should be named after you.

>Be me
>16
>With gf at her house
>Get horny as balls
>decide to fuck
>Hot make out/stripping
>about to put it in
>Hear car door close in driveway
>Fuckitsdad.jpg
>Her dad is a huge German dude who could crush a rhino
>pick up clothes and dash to the bathroom
>hear her dad walk into her room and ask what's going on
>realize i left my socks and underwear in her room

cont?

>>686904301
cont

>>686903635
like, either because they are shy, have disruptive behavior, or just can't be in large groups (anti-social kids).

>>686901552
10/10 would kek again

>>686904301
cont. sorry for the wait

>peek out of the door like a ninja to see what's going on
>he and her are talking about some shit "did you do your home work or some shit"
>conversation ends
>he turns around and looks down the hall
>pull my head back in faster than light
>fuckiswearhesawme
>hear him coming closer
>dart behind door
>door creaks open
>Thisistheend.png
>he comes in and starts pissing
>when he's done he sees my half naked ass there behind the door
>DED
>jk he takes it pretty well and tells me to get the fuck out of his house before he calls the cops
>"You're a fucking sicko anon"
>drive home in shame
>Still never got my socks and underwear back

>be me
>14 y/o girl atm
>home alone
>decide to masturbate
>musics playing super loud so can't hear anything
>23 year old brother walks in
>scream at him telling him you're changing your clothes
>he stares then lift blankets up
>yelled at him some more
>he says he's going to have to tell mum
>he leaves and i have a panic attack from worrying way too much
>next day he comes home and tells older sister
>i was pretending to sleep but could hear
>she was like nooo wayyy but convinces him not to tell mum as she's super christian and would kill me
>to this day can't look at brother without feeling embarrassed

I was a Freshman in college - just declared Chem major. I was dating an older girl at the time (she was a grad student, math) and she was talking extensively about her thesis. I wanted to impress her, and was being dumb, so I started spouting on and on about shit I didn't know about. Made up the names of theories and instruments, referenced studies that were never written, just spouted BS for like five minutes. Just as I'm done spinning my story, I turn around, and see there's a professor sitting behind us reading the newspaper (we were on a bench on campus in a park-like area). Turns out he was a Chem Prof. Over the years, I've had him for tons of classes, and he's always treated me like a moron. I know he remembers that day, and still thinks (it's been four years, I'm a chem grad student now) I don't know shit because of one day I tried being cool before I knew shit about chemistry. Worst of all, he's on my graduate committee...

>be 17
>paying visit to fresh 16 gf
>fuckyeah.jpg
>go to 7/11 to buy overprice condoms
>paying for domers hoping clerk will hurry up
>mfw gf mother walks into store
>sees gotchu.png

>>686891307
You're gonna need an alka seltzer in the morning anaon. Maybe I will need one two.

>>686905611
fucking kek

>>686895134
Nico?

>>686890084
fucking lol I hope this is bait, if not, its just too fucking funny. Do you think their body heat re animated the cum and they woke up with a blanked glued to them? God damn thanks for a laoughe man

>be 19
>in car with gf in deserted paking lot
>she's giving me head
>fuckfeelsgoodman
>eyes closed about to climax
>open eyes for some reason
>see a face in the window looking at us fuck
>holyshit.png
>kinda just look at each other
>what the fuck is this faggot doing
>motion him to go the fuck away
>takes out his phone and takes a picture
>it was dark and he didn't use a flash so I doubt it came out well
>dude just walks away
>still have never told gf
>lurk sometimes to see if anyone posts the picture on here

>>686905441
that's fucked, your brother sounds like a cunt

>>686906339
sadly, yes this actually did happen. I doubt that the cum did reheat, but im pretty sure she did feel the cum on there at some point.

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>be 13
>2008
>mildly autistic
>didn't affect me a whole lot but I did learn a lot faster than other kids
>because of this defect I am homeschooled
>manage to still have social life
>my mom and a few other moms at church have a group and offer classes for homeschooled kids every august through may
>forces me to take her writing class
>she offers it after a writing class for little kids
>have to wait for an hour and a half beore I can go to class and leave
>over the course of the next few weeks I manage to get an 8/10, 14 year old gf
>let's call her Vi
>that hour and a half I have to wait becomes the greatest hour and a half I could imagine

moar?

>>686907391
yes fag

>>686907391
>>686907391
moar..now stop asking if we want more

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>>686907612
>>686907631

>september comes, get a 15" macbook pro for my birthday because upper middle class brat
>dual boot windows vista
>install Halo 2
>impress Vi with this somehow
>every day I have class I take this thing in and play Halo 2 while my gf watches
>she doesn't mind and is legitimately impressed with my ski11z

>one day
>getting rekt by some brutes in legendary
>die
>gf starts making out with me
>tells me to follow her
>close laptop
>do as told
>she walks me into a bathroom
>starts taking off her clothes
>autism is kicking in
>I fucking apologize and try to leave
>thankfully she stops me
>pulls my shirt off
>unbuttons pants
>backs me into a wall
>starts making out with me
>after 10 mins of this she sits me down on the toilet with the lid closed
>gets on top of me
>tells me to put it in
>do as told
>it won't go in though
>she's noticably uncomfortable
>grabs my dick and positions it under her vag
>literally drops onto it
>blood everywhere
>she's still riding me though
>cum in 2 mins
>inside her
>didn't think of the possible repercussions of this act
>she gets off and we clean up
>walk out
>I'm an awkward mess at this point
>had sex though, so I can't be too bad off
>don't see her until the following tuesday

Here, this ones original

> be me, years ago
> freshman theater advisory for the credit
> before we get too far I just wanna say this all clutch and being typed on my phone
> "people watching assignment"
> watch someone of same gender(white cis male)
> choose world history teacher because WW2 is just about all I know about not taught to me in school
> stressing the fuck out all week during the observations
> also, the person being observed never know this happened
> come first day of presentations
> absolutely no fucking clue what to say, see what other people do and copy them
> end of period, I didn't go
> onemoredayofhell.jpeg
>day 2, by the end of this period, everyone had to have gone
> notice a lot of people are doing their Spanish teachers, consider trying to say mine's white cis male like me, but don't pay attention to what she does
> my turn, second to last
> "alright class, so today we're gonna be talking about the same notes you took last night, world war 2"
> and quote
> get a bit down…
> "so, when Hitler first got elected chancellor, he was a pretty cool guy"
> I said Hitler used to be a cool guy in front of entire class
> sorry if this isn't enough for you but I'm just trying to contribute somehow
> still stressing about it 5+years later

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>>686907704
>it's december now
>our fucking becomes a regular act
>unprotected, ofcourse. figured I was shooting blanks
>parents on both sides of this relationship are completely unaware of the sinful acts
>some stupid dance is coming up
>I don't dance
>by this time I'm going through my goth/emo/faggot phase
>wore dark jeans, black boots, and black hoodie
>all I listen to is SDRE, Deftones, Mineral, and American Football
>the last thing I want to go to is a christmas dance
>no choice
>mom forces me to go
>says my Vi would like it
>ask her if she wants go with me
>ofc she says yes
>dance comes
>parents drop us off
>we decide that we're just going to drink coffee and laugh at idiots trying to dance
>for the next hour this is what happens
>get bored
>we sneak out and wander around the church
>obviously we fuck in various spots
>thankfully I'm an athiest so I feel no shame for doing her on an altar, among other places one could feel shame for fucking on in the house of god
>we go back to the dance
>sit at a table with her older sister
>everything going fine
>and then
>sister looks at me
>"I know what you're doing"
>fug :DDD
>try playing it cool
>"what are you talking about?"
>"you know exactly what I'm talking about"
>well that's checkmate for me
>Vi looks like she's going to kill her
>I can't imagine this going well at all
>autism is reaching boiling point
>need to break the tension
>"at least we don't do it all that often"
>wtf did I just say
>sister gives me confused/disgusted look
>Vi breaks out laughing
>her sister isn't all that pissed anymore
>holy shit it worked
>just wants me to buy condoms and not fuck in church
>thatsfair.png
>parents come to pick me up
>go back to regularly scheduled unprotected teenage sex

>>686895724
>be 10
>invite every kid I know in school to my bday
>nobody came

>>686908221
not embarrassing, just sad.

>>686891690
fucking leld nice

>>686896519
Keep going

>>686907790
By the way, I go to a school known for being spoiled and bratty, and I'm the quiet kid and incredibly insecure, low self esteem and things like that. The entire class giggled after it was said and that didn't help any of what I've just mentioned.

>>686907378
Oh jesus you kill me anon. I'm fucking laughing my ass off. I'm also very drunk. and I wont remember this in the morning. Would buy you a drink, so you can forget too. Totally would buy you a drink you poor dumb bastard. You can always say it was snot. You were drunk and blew your nose on the blanket and forgot about it. Jesus, I'm in stitches.

>>686895134
zezled m8 XD

>>686908358
more stories, or from the same? The same ended at that point. it was awkward for awhile, but everything flowed well after.

>>686901552
Kek'd

>>686907704
halo 2 on vista impresses me too, damn

>>686890084
top kek

>>686907790
My god I think you people are personally trying to kill me with keks. Dont worry bro, I promise nobody will remember it as long as you have. Hey, if public speaking freaks you out do like me and get a job where you have to address a lobby full of people (worked in hotel, regularly telling people to pipe down or no rooms left kinda thing) You get a job dealing with the public, and you will be amazing at public speaking.

>>686907790
fucking saved lmfao

>>686890084
>have crush on this girl for like since grade school
>autist and spergeggit my way through middle school and get fat
>get unfat and unawkward at the end of high schol
>see her at frat party fresh year of college
>catching up and about to get my grind on when i proceed to puke all over the floor and just walk away as she looks disgusted

>>686909497
>>have crush on this girl for like since grade school
>>autist and spergeggit my way through middle school and get fat
>>get unfat and unawkward at the end of high schol

This was me. lol Except the girl I liked got fatter than me, and than asked me out. I made up some half ass excuse and noped out of there. Years later I found out she had a kid.

>>686890084
>Embarrassing stories

Got this one for you guys.

>be 20
>late night
>browsing /b/
>naked
>ponytail
>come across embarrassing stories thread
>realize my entire life is one long embarrassment

>>686908278
I know

>>686908631
More stories pls

>be me, 20
>hangin out in a pub with some friends
>drunk as hell and high as heaven
>go to the toilet
>start pissing a whole pack of beers
>see gloryhole in the left wall
>thefuckisthis
>didnt know if there was another person in the other toilet, couldnt feel shit
>put dick inside it while still pissing
>hear a girly scream coming from the other side
Cont?

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>>686909941
I doubt you're that much of an embarrassment, I mean ponytails are cool. Gordan had a pony tail

>>686910109
Cont

>>686910019
Cool, got one
>be me, 17/18
>hugging my friend (f)
>have a boner
>feel it touching her leg
>don't know if she felt it or not
>We've been cool since than, so I don't think so, but still kinda embarrassing thinking about it.

>be me
>Gf at mine
>We getting saucy
>Gf snuggles butt up close, "anon is that your dick"
>She wiggles more "how did that happen"
>I have a subconscious urge to reply to that q with "yohoho he took a bite of gomu gomu"
>"Anon, what the fuck? Did you just go one-piece on me? Do you not want me here "
>Time passes, gf asks another q "anon, is this good?"
>"No this is Patrick"

We went to sleep straight away

bumpppppppppppppppppppppp

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>>686910272
Fucking gold

>>686910272
Holding back laughter at work

>>686906418
That's actually kind of creepy

>>686905441
What a cunt.

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>be 15
>tall and skinny and awkward as fuck
>constantly horny
>permaboner.gif
>first day of high school
>all the girls have tits and wear makeup and have nice hair now
>English class is morning class
>filled with smoking hot chicks
>morning wood is raging
>going around class doing introductions where we stand up and say our name
>dick is hard as diamonds
>sick feeling in gut
>teacher calls name
>start talking without standing
>teacher interrupts
>"now stand up anon"
>start trying to stand really slowly while talking really fast to get my name and hometown and hobbies out
>dont want to stand fully and have my bulge exposed
>end up hover/standing bent over with my ass out like when trying to piss with morning wood
>nervouslaughter.png
>fast forward a few weeks
>got really good at just tucking my boner up into my waistband
>same English class
>morning boner raging
>get called to front of class to do some shit on the board
>I'm tucked up
>still nervous about getting up in front of all these qt 3.14
>boner starts to untuck as I'm walking to the board
>as soon as i turn around to face the class my jimmy john falls free
>instant humiliation
>try to focus on what the fuck I'm doing at the board but I can tell that the other students notice
>my height just makes it worse since I just feel like a gigantic statue on display
>theres a 9/10 brunette in the front row about five feet away from my denim drumstick and i can see her physically withdraw from me out of the corner of my eye
>absolutely refuse to make eye contact with anyone
>then look at the teacher
>she's wide-eyed and uncomfortable as fuck but doesn't know what to do
>I pretty much black out
>finish whatever the fuck I was up there to do and sit down
>fast forward a day or so
>walking down the hall and hear "bona' doo'" in my peripheral
>zero in on whats being said
>a couple of negroes behind me talking
>"yeah the bona' doo' that creeped out femanon"
>mfw my reputation in high school was the boner dude

>>686900346
did you just watch the big short?

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> be me 6th grade
> go to dumb school dance because it cost a soup can to get in
> loser af, dunno why I even went
> sitting around with bff cause we're losers
> he goes to bathroom
> girl comes up to me asks if wanna dance
> sure one moment pls
> runs off to find friend and tell him what happened like I'm a little girl
> returned to spot, girl is gone

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>>686907790
i really hate how its become a thing saying cis. how i wish we were still in the times when male/female/tranny was enough, when gender wasn't a fucking hipster spectrum of attention seeking

>>686910109
Cont
>keep pissing into the hole
>0 fucks given
>suddenly i hear someone slamming my door and shouting
>everything bcomes clearer to me
>"you pissed on my friend motherfucker!! "
>ohfuckhesoundsbig
>decide to go into gorilla mode while my dick is still hanging
>open the door
>punch the guy
>mfw im bigger than him
>he wakes up
>i aim at him with my dick
>" you want some liquid gold too? " i say
>the dude just flees away
>i realise the girl is still there trying to escape
>block her
>aim dick at her
>she begs me not to do it
>she starts crying a bit
>she offers me money
>i take it and i holster
>security comes
Cont?

>>686910262
Should've pressed it on her more

>>686892051
Fuck off summerfag

>>686893170
Kys

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>be me 15 male
>work at kfc in food court
>mall recently gets renovated
>have to take a piss so I decide to go test out new toilet block
>walk into cubical
>see 2 girls from work standing in front of mirror getting ready for work
>i say
Oh hey guys whats going
>they scream
ANON!!!
>and die of laughter
>mfw when i walked into girls bathroom
(In hindsight, I should've just said I identified as a female)

>>686911460
> 22 working shit warehouse job picing orders
> Don't label anything over 25 pieces, flag it
> Forgets this
> Individually labeling 75 boxes of chips
> Everyone coming in for nights and leaving for home staring at me
> qt3.14 from night shift is nice about it and tells me
> Still feel like an idiot 4 years later

>>686890084
>be me, 15
>chubby small dude
>holiday games in my town
>last time have to do this shit
>having crush on girl
>8/10 blond slut
>cantrememberhername.jpg
>feel like confessing to but not sure
>tell her best friend
>mfw best friend laughs at me
>tells her I want to ask her out
>me shy lil faggot didnt do
>call her name out threw speakers in games room
>she didnte come
>call her out a few more times
>she never came
>mfw all of her friends and she standing in front off room laughing at me
still remember dat shit 1-2 times per week

>>686891690
this should not be embarrassing its fucking gold

>Me
>like 13 or 14
>Girl I like (hottest girl in middle school) says "omg cry cry my bf broke up with me, nobody likes me" This is one of those days before christmas break where all we do is color in turkeys and watch movies
> I like you anonita... fucking looks back at me like I'm growing a second nose
>Do you hate me anonita? Why did I ask this?????????
>Nope dont hate you
>Turns back around and watches the movie like I dont even exist.
>Fucking lol what a cuck I am, Fucking lol all day, jesus christ what a faggot I was.
>Dont despair fellow cucks, I wound up banging one of the hottest chicks in the school.

>>686911583
cont

>be 17
>school athletics day
>tripping balls on lsa
>barely conscious on floor in an anime onsie
>teacher comes over
>"are you ok anon"
>"YOUR NOT EVEN FUCKING REAL"
>"wat"
>apparently i accused the teachers interrogating me of not being real
>i was telling people the trees were moving to fast
>i thought i froze time and spent years there
>shit was cash
>no regrets

>>686912518
get over it not a single one of them gives a fuck anymore so you shouldent either

>>686913698
>>686912518
Like the momenat at night whne u can't grab some sleep and remember this shitty storys no one cares anymore except you.

>2013
>be me, 16
>Skype calling with my mate, playing Dota
>FuckingIdiotPickedMeepo
>"Hey, Anon, Jeanett and -not important bitches- said they'd Skype with us, should I add them? I know you have crush on Jeanette."
>DoItFag
>They get in call
>Nice conversation, they even pretend to care about the fucking Dota
>Somehow, me mate leaves the call, same with other bitches
>Alone with J.
>Trying to have some conversation
>Awkward
>Keep trying not to be awkward
>Stop focusing on the game
>feed
>Never felt so awkward, we lost coz of me

>>686899347
Those golden teenage years

>13 years old me
>social outcast do language skills
>xmas was coming, we did something called "Engalbengal"
>basically exchanging gifts before the christmas holiday
>we couldn't decide a specific person for a present exchange, we had to pick a name from a box filled with names
>I picked one
>HOLYSHIT.jpg
>I should give a present to the qt3.14 defently out of my league
>okay i've got this
>i ask my mother and my sister for some advice
>after some talking, they think I should buy fingerpolish for her
>i headed to the mall and buy that
>a pretty expensive brand that costed me ~16€
>the day we exchanged presents came
>it was all good, I gave her the present, she gave me a bracelet with my name on it (which I find it cool, but brings me that embarassing moment to my mind)
>HERE, right in this moment I said something
>THE FUCKING PRICE, I TOLD HER HOW MUCH IT COSTED...
>worst of all... I've only noticed when I've got home...
>FUUUUUUCK ME.gif

>>686896262
Yeah I have a friend who's met a couple of Army guys and he agrees that they're some of the most obnoxious and degenerate shits in the world

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>>686891690
KEK

>>686893121
Nigga me too! just at home tho not in class

>>686912911
>anonita

Kek

>Be me
>Standing in gym wardrobe chatting with my friend after a workout
>We're talking really loud and laughing about stuff
>I say that if i go bowled i will literally kill myself, because i love my precious hair
>Friend goes silent, i look over my shoulder
>Some bowled guy also done working out heard everything and looks sad

>Computer in basement
>playing wow
>goddamn night elves looking good
>horde player
>ALT TAB
>cumshot compilation
>mom walks in basement
>drops off Wendy's fries and nuggets and root beer on table
>oh shit!
>hear mom laughing on her way upstairs
>continue jeering off till completion

>this happens more than one occasion
>mom doesn't ever bring it up

>>686912147
Crazy story

>>686917212
Bald

>>686917680
Fuck me
>Shares embarrasing story on 4chan
>Ends up becoming even more embarrased

>>686900396
Where from and how old

>be me
>10 years old
>jumping on trampoline
>friend and I get bored
>decide to go play fotball up the street
>see two fellas on bikes
>one is smoking
>10 year old smartass tells him smoking kills
>fella gets offended
>jumpsoffbike.jpg
>me and friend shit ourselves in fear
>"runasfastasyoucanfriend!"
>friend throws ball away and runs
>hide behind cars
>fellas give up
>walk home was uncomfortable
>tell parents
>parents laughing

Moral of the story is don't be a 10 year old smartass

mobile newfag don't kill me if I can't greentext
>be me in school
>fucking around in lunch hour
>we're banned from library for fucking around
>decide to sneak in bc nothing to do
>teacher sees
>fuckme.png
>30 15 year olds sprint down 2 flights of stairs
>me, being clumsy aut, falls down the stairs in panic
>land with 20 girls in my year staring down at me on the floor
>laugh it off, hurts like shit
>fast forward to last period
>one of the girls who saw me fall brings it up infront of everyone
>humiliation infront of whole class

>>686920127
should of fly kicked that bitch out the window

>>686895970
Made me smile

>>686893788
Plenty of Army friends. You must just be a cunt.

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>>686895709

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>be me
>underaged newfag on 4chan
>wanted to have a successful thread
>no success
>not even a porn thread succeeded
> fuckit.jpeg
>create thread about random shit
>kept replying with different posts
>became a major success
>many people posted, one even in french
>everyone told french guy to fuck off
>one person changed the whole thread though
>one picture
>fuckingspidermantakeover.gif
>went on for an hour and a half
>happy and cheerful that i had a succeful thread
>all of it was me
>the whole thread besides a few spidey images was samefag
and to this day i am called by everyone on that thread

>ultrasamefag

>be me
>me 15 at the time
>at school
>walk in front of a school bus stop like a boss
>tripped over a fuckin rock that is stuck on the ground in front of everybody including my crush
>get up and act like nothing happened
>thug life

>>686921253
try faggot thread

>>686891690
What a god

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gave me her fake number 5707713160

>be me 20
>very shy and good looking asian guy
>had 5 relationships in the past
>hold ex gf's hand once
>never kiss
>virgin
>fuckmylife

>>686910931
it's actually extremely creepy

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>>686920225
>should of

>>686891690
This story is keker than the kekest kek of all keks

>>686917995
>bowled

>>686891690
You fucking legend kek

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>>686890084
>be me 16 at the time
>watched some crazy hentai shit on my tablet
>forgot to close tabs and delete history
>go to party
>next morning
>get home
>sisters came to visit us
>see my nephew playing with my tablet
>all tabs still opened
>one new tab with some cartoon

>whole family wont look me in the eyes

No one even said anything about it

>>686895134
why the fuck would you smoke k2 you disgusting piece of fucking trash? kys

>>686891457
>>686891541
>>686891690
I don't know if I should be horrified by you or worship you as some kind of God . . .

>>686891307
Shit was so tragic you had problems typing it.

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>>686898963
>hit my head on the ceeling
you tall fuckin' bastard