How do I change my thinking and mindset?
I have had a very grim and hopeless outlook on life. In short, I feel distant from other people from my lack of social contact and poor upbringing. To me, it is like I'm metaphorically on a different radio frequency than the majority of people, as the things ive accepted and the way my reality is shaped is adverse to that of others.
I imagine that I'm down a mental road and I've traveled too far, unable to turn back. As if I cannot unaccept the truths I've decided about the world. I can't change what I've experienced. I feel somewhat traumatized.
Despite my hatred of my own existence, I often find hope in just being alive, in admiration of nature and the universe. It's as if a window floats in my zenith, and every so often the sun pokes through, it's crepuscular rays providing inspiration, it's warmth providing the will to live.
I'm quite distraught between these two extremes. I feel caught in a deep well of misery in the midst of the "human experience", but gaze upon an infinite expanse of wonder and curiosity beyond reach or capability.
[spoiler] This cloud has been hanging over me the past several years. I learned that from my mother that I was conceived of rape, that my father was fearful of their marriage and so aggressively forced her to have a child that they would have to raise together. He threatened blackmail among other things. Basically he wanted something to fuck until he died, and raped her several times throughout their marriage, aggressively arguing he was entitled to sex.
I have always disliked my father. He was never able to control himself, was in a constant rage, abused and neglected me, used me to burn off emotional energy and irritation. He'd chase me around shouting and swinging, would choke me, hold me underwater, slap, throw, twist, crush, anything to put fear and hysteria into me. Otherwise he would ignore me.
I disliked my mother also, but more so pitied her. She drank and cried to me. She never wanted to discuss the feelings I had, and often brought things back to herself. When she wast drinking or crying to me, she ignored me although sometimes she would read to me which I deeply enjoyed.
My parents were either fighting or ignoring each other. The only cooperation I saw was during meals.
I grew up in a hoarder house, there were narrow paths through sliding piles of trash and paper and towering furniture and boxes. Often our utilities would be shut off. We didn't know when the next bag of groceries was going to be on the table, despite both my parents being full-time employed.
At school I was a brat, bullied and had a quicker mouth and wit than a sense of forethought. Teachers ignored criminal-like behavior aimed at me on several occasions, like being stabbed, thrown headfirst into a wall, tied to a fence during a winter storm, tossed into quick-moving rivers, having bricks thrown at me, and more. They accused me of racism and said I deserved anything I got, saying I was "out to get innocent black boys", and a liar.[/spoiler]
>>17163246
> can't into spoiler tags
kill me now
anyways I've been socially humiliated a lot in the past, lied to and led into intentionally confusing and humiliating situations. Girls especially enjoyed tormenting me and fucking with me, toying with me.
I don't really trust people at all and hate attention. I don't know what others are thinking. Do they dislike me? Do they fear me?
I'm aware my paranoid disposition gives me a different mental energy, that I give off social cues and body language and hints through speech and behavior, that estrange confuse others.
I feel so odd.
Please help
Read some Self improvement books.
>>17163213
have you ever had psychological tests done? If so, do you have any syndroms or such? I'm asking because i'm starting down that road as well. I've never felt able to control my own feelings or thoughts, and i'm kinda wondering if anyone does. I get those bursts of happiness too, but i'm never really able to understand what makes them.
Also, where is that picture from?
