fighting with Gf
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
so nothing new for /adv/ in this topic but I just need to vent and hear opinions.
blew up at my gf last night over something completely stupid but it's been a few weeks of pent up emotion.
the thing I blew up over? she literally said "Do my oil change". there was no please or niceness in the way she asked, sounded like a command. instantly set me off because she's been doing this for a while. feeling disrespected i guess.
She thinks im becoming a loser because I've put on a lot of weight lately and haven't been working. The reasons behind this is two immediate family members, my mother and brother, have died from two of the shittiest conditions: cancer and suicide. this has caused me to go into a deep depression along with just unhappiness with my job. I turn to my gf for solace and she in turns treats me great for a day then im stuck fighting with her cause she's bossed me around to do something or asked me to do something simple that she could do herself if she got her ass off the couch.this drives me insane. i feel she also hasnt been considering my feelings as she has booked two vacations while i have my time off work. one went from 4 days to 6 and she will in LA and Vegas with a friend who parties hard and they feed off one anothers energy. I am not worried she'll cheat though just dont want her gettig into trouble. there have been two instances where she's been "attacked/ molested" and it just seems to gravitate towards her.
the other trip is with a bunch of girlfriends where she's suppose to leave 4 days before me and im suppose to drive and meet up with afterwards alone. a 6 hour drive. and im suppose to be okay with this.
other than that we're pretty compatible. we work well together and usually work things out but i guess the stress from everything that's going on is setting me off more than usual and feeling un-cared for.
She sounds like an entitled little princess and a loose canon.
Has she dealt with loss and depression before? Have you taken personal space?
Having a partner blow up because you're constantly demanding is just as bad as the person blowing up in the first place.
Do you question if she is right for you?
>>17347209
she's never dealt with loss. the most she's dealt with is my family members. she met my brother twice and liked him and my mother a handful of time. other than that she's never suffered a loss. I explained to her earlier when i found out about my mothers cancer, that it would be tough as hell as id been through something similar before with my uncle. I know what its like to see someone suffer and want to die. I told her this and i didnt expect her to stay around if she couldnt handle it as much as i wanted her to stay. she called me stupid and said she was staying.
she is immature im fully are of it. i had to book her flights and stuff for her or go up and asked people if she needs things. " i dont like talking to people" is the excuse. fair enough social anxiety. i blow up because she doesn't ask me politely and demands or whines.
I've questioned it many times. we've been through a lot as a couple. I want/wanted to marry this girl. now as all this occurs I dont feel like i want to as much anymore. mainly because she wont answer any questions about our future making me second guess. I mean I've asked about us getting our own place instead of living at her mom's house in her one bedroom where there is literally no space because there is 6 people living there. she hasnt even made a spot for me to keep a spare set of clothes so i resort to leaving them on the banister which pisses her grandfather off. we are 25 i should mention.
now I live at home but have the whole basement to myself and between the two of us we make enough money to move out on our own. she just doesn't want to leave her mom, fine i understand she's family. theres a suite in her house that's ive repeatedly mentioned us moving into which would force her brother and his family to vacate (they already own a house two blocks away) giving us space to ourselves while still being "home"
>>17347191
Really sorry to hear about your senpai anon. Do you have any other ways to vent or blow off steam?Got many friends or ways to get away from your missus?
>>17347191
So her reaction to you losing two people close to you in terrible fucking ways was to book a vacation? Call you lazy? Treat you like shit?
Anon, that's not healthy man. When you're in a relationship, the other person needs to be there for you and support you. based on what you said here, would you say that she has been there for you? Has she supported you?
You're still grieving, be around family and people who will help you through this. It doesn't seem like it's a good time for you to go on a trip, take time to heal and let her do whatever the fuck she wants.
I'm not you, but if I was I would seriously reconsider this relationship. Do you want to spend your life with someone who cares so little about how you feel?
>>17347382
I do but the missus gets mad if she has free time and she wants to do something. Usually going out drinking and having me tag along as the driver. I won't drink and drive anymore, took my risks and got buster a while ago.
she hates my best friend so i can't hangout with him without causing a fight. So i make i plans with him when i know she's busy and it wont interrupt her schedule.
my other friends cant stand her mainly for the way she treats me. and we are all busy with our lives and work and school.
most days i just want to sit at home and play video games or watch a movie cuddled up. she wants to be the fun one in her group of friends cause they're all young twits. and she's the older cool one.
i try to tell her fine you go out and have fun and let me know when you're home. I want to do my own thing. she pouts and says only for an hour or so . i relent and go, three hours later im tired bored and cranky cause i was ready for bed
>>17347191
>gf literally treat beta OP like trash
Why you don't tell her to fuck off?
Why you don't kick this slut off your life?
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY NOT DO THIS?
How many times you need be kicked and spitted to realize she is just using you sorry ass?
>b-but is m-my gf
Fuck off.
I rather live forever in the darkness of deepest pit of hell than have a gf like this.
Funny thing is: you don't even consider break up with her.
Holy shit, this isn't even close to happen to me and now I'm so fucking mad.
Dump the whore and get a mature gf who can support you.
>>17347402
we went on a vacation together last week. 8 days all inclusive courtesy of my cousin who took the family. it was horrid we fought every day. i wanted to go to relax and unwind and destress. ended up 7 days of arguing and questioning my whole relationship with someone i cant even enjoy a tropical vacation with.
my mothers death happened beginning of june. and my brother in february. she wants to enjoy her summer, which is fine i understand. but in terms of her being supportive. she almost didnt show for my brother funeral because we got into a spat the night before cause she wanted to go drinking with a friend and wanted me to come along when i explained i didn't want to cause of the funeral the next day.
my mother she was with me, we actually were on vacation at the time but flew back after 1 day because her conditioned worsened. she died the next night. i didnt ask my gf to pay for her ticket or anything and said i'd try and make it up to her later when everything was settled.
now i understand her perspective . no fun, fat, bum on the log boyfriend who is grieving and being miserable. she wants to go have fun and enjoy the summer weather. but at the same time she doesn't realize that i need her to help me get through some of this. It places a lot of stress on her, yes, but when we're having out good days just being a couple and lazing about those are the best days i have and help me to decompress.
>>17347439
i am no saint, i am an asshole too. remember this is my perspective only. there's always two sides.
I'm mad but rational.
>>17347414
Mate she makes no time for you two and then gets mad when you do your own thing? And you wanted to marry her but she hates your best friend? Why does she hate him? Also it's always important to consider what your friends think. Judging by the way she's hanging out with a bunch of kids and her lack of regard towards respecting you sounds like she's immature. Seems also like you want different things. Maybe start looking at other options? Even if you don't do them, have you got friends you could stay with if shit went south with her?
>>17347191
I really and truly want to help you has best I can, OP.
It's difficult to give advice to anyone in the middle of profound grief and mourning, because when a person has suffered a deeply painful and personal loss, it's entirely normal for their defense mechanisms to work overtime.
You've been wounded. Emotional and psychological pain is a serious thing, which can't be shruged off any more than a broken leg. A person in such pain is vulnerable, and the natural reaction to vulnerability is for the defense mechanisms to go up and stay up.
All this results in it being very difficult for you to take any criticism right now, and taking criticism is never easy to begin with. It also results in you likely feeling attacked or criticized at times when no attack or criticism is intended nor implied, not even subtly.
Thus when I ask you the question I'm going to ask you, your first reaction may be to feel attacked. That is not my intent. Do your best to keep this in mind.
So: you're (understandably) depressed, are not currently working, and are gaining weight. What are have you done to address your depression? I am not blaming, I am literally asking. I am asking because without action to address your depression, your depression is unlikely to go away on it's own. It's not a cut which will heal if left alone. Depression is self-sustaining.
As little as you feel like taking action to deal with your depression right now, in a week, you will feel *less* like taking action. You are, *right now,* in the best position you will ever be in to take action against your depression. As little as you currently feel like seeing a doctor about it, *now* is the time. You will not be asked to climb any mountains at the start of getting help. What matters is that you start to get help. It takes no more work than seeing a doctor and saying the words, "I need help." You can do this. You can absolutely do this. Please start there, and do so tomorrow morning, before noon.
>>17347191
Maybe she's trying to get you angry to snap you out of it. Get pissed and have angry sex.
>>17348310
Thank goodness someone rational got here before me.
OP, you are understandably distressed. I have gone through a lot recently, including a suicide, so I understand how easy it is to retreat into depression. You need to work on fighting this, ASAP. I'm not apologizing for your girlfriend. It sounds like she could put in a little more effort.
But, dude, come on. You're 25 years old. You live in your girlfriend's parents' place. You don't have a job, so I assume you're not contributing to rent. You're getting fat, and your main goal right now is to sit on the couch playing video games or "cuddled up."
She is still young, and wants to have fun. Understandable. You are still young and should want to have fun too. It's no surprise that resentment is building by people who think they're doing their part, and see you not doing anything.
This isn't fun, this is terrible for you. I'm very sorry. But, you need to dig down deep, and get help, or fight this yourself.
Otherwise this relationship is on the outs.
>>17348310
>>17348349
sorry for the delay got caught up in life.
the actions i am taking to deal with this all is I am seeing a psychiatrist. he is the one who prescribed me more time off to deal with my depression. I was suppose to go back to work this week.he is giving me until august to sort some of my shit out without assistance before he wants to take greater action such as anti depressants and so on.
that being said the actions I am taking will be to go on a diet and start lifting again. thats where i was earlier buying healthy foods and talking with family about my problems.
I work im on medical/ grievance leave. i contribute more than she does and i make far less than her.
>>17348349
i also pay rent at my own house. we just stay at hers because her cat is there and she won't leave her for a night. im imposing at her house i know but she doesn't seem to care.
>>17348349
she's also put on quite a bit of weight too so its just not me here.
i dont contribute to her rent because i dont even have a fucking place to put a spare change of clothes when im over there. don't worry her grandfather has been on my ass to pay. i just refuse because he has a family of 6 in the basement who pay 500 for a suite when my gf pays 250 for a room, and the people downstairs are home 24/7 using all the hydro and electricity
final bump before bed
>>17347191
Lose the weight, fatty. And you should be changing her oil, without her having to ask. Also, you guys taking separate vacations can be healthy. Not sure if this is one of those situations though. Have you also taken a vacation together, recently?
How's your sex life?
>>17349895
first off, fuck you kindly. her and i have both put on weight, me more so due to stress and a highly unhappy work life.
second, i always work on her car. i offered to change her oil when i had all the tools and everything out, she just had to drive to my friends house because i had my car there. she flipped her shit because i gave her the wrong address by a few blocks, i got them mixed up. she flipped cause she was late for a nail appointment. i knew this and said how about we do it after so you aren't rushing? she ignored this and said she'd come now and turned into a gong show.
we went on an all inclusive vacation on my cousins dime, and it was a living hell for both of us. from something as simple as me not going to get her a drink from the bar when she told me. my only problem with her going on a vacation with her friend is that her friend is a known slut and drags my gf around because she can't leave her alone wasted, so i dont like when she's in those situations and no one is around to help her out. my gf won't even call a cab for herself...
sex life is meh, always has been. she has a shit libido or if she has one never tries to initiate leaving me frustrated regardless. im suppose to take her lying on top of me, while watching tv, as my cue to rip her panties off
>>17347449
It sounds like you're trying to justify her even while complaining.
You've been pussy-whipped.
>>17349895
Why are you white knighting her? OP has the excuse of dealing with grief. She's just being a cunt.
>>17347274
>I told her this and i didnt expect her to stay around if she couldnt handle it as much as i wanted her to stay. she called me stupid and said she was staying.
So you'd be fine if she walked because she couldn't handle it.
It seems the reality is that she really can't handle it, she just doesn't recognise it enough to do the walking. This might just be the last thing on the list of things you need to do for her.
>>17347414
This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.
Trust your friends, she's treating you extremely poorly. Don't lose people who actually care about your wellbeing for the sake of pleasing a woman who doesn't give a fuck.
Never let a relationship separate you from your friends, that's always a terrible sign. Don't let one person take over your life and shrink your world.
>>17347443
>she almost didnt show for my brother funeral because we got into a spat the night before cause she wanted to go drinking with a friend and wanted me to come along when i explained i didn't want to cause of the funeral the next day.
Tel her to go FUCK herself. Look at what you just typed. This is not a good relationship. This is not a good person.
No ifs, no buts, no more explanations, no more stories. This one anecdote is all you need. Kick her to the fucking curb.
>>17351575
eh i forgot to mention what the spat was about. we got into an argument cause she found a text in my phone from a mutual friend saying she was a toxic person towards me and that she hopes our relationship works for my sake. this same girl has also professed that she'd fug me way back when. (I had no knowledge nor interest in this, shes not my penis' type)
i (stupidly) handed my phone to her unlocked so she could go through it as a trust thing and she found one thing that wasn't horrible. she's gone through my phone a year ago and found texts of me calling her an immature brat to my best friends cause she completely ignored me during dinner when she invited one of her friends to join us while texting each other and laughing whole heatedly without including me.
>>17351540
i wouldn't be fine emotionally but i'd understand her choice. my biggest worry/fear is what if we broke up and it was the worst mistake of my life and i'll always regret it
i was a wreck when i/ we broke up almost two years ago, for 9 months. i left cause i was being emotionally manipulated and basically felt like a worthless piece of shit to her. i did my own thing for 6 months then met a girl and tried dating. but my then-ex always came into play and ruined that relationship i ended up going back to my ex in hopes that things changed. and they did for a few months then all this shit in my life happened and we've been semi-hostile every since.
>>17351941
>no no it's fine, she was just mad that everyone who cares about me thinks she's evil, THAT'S why she almost skipped my brother's funeral after getting buttmad that I wouldn't sabotage my own attendance. So it was really more my fault.
You fucking battered woman.
