hey /adv/
I am really paranoid at the moment and obsessed with the thought of my bf looking at other women. He has reassured me that he isn't and I know he isn't acting in the way I imagine he is.
On Friday we're going to a big club with some friends, the first time we've all gone on a big night out in months. I KNOW I'm going to be going crazy at the thought of him checking out other girls there (even though I have no reason to believe that he will).
I can see myself freaking out and having to leave early or something because I find these thoughts extremely upsetting.
How can I deal with these thoughts and have a good time? As I've said, we've talked about this and he gets extremely offended that I think that of him but I can't help but notice and attractive girl and assume he's checking her out, its soul destroying.
I never used to be like this but now its got out of control.
Club scene is not your thing then.
Do you have any explanation why this has become such a big problem for you?
>>16969885
yeah, none of my friend group ever goes, out we prefer to get fucked up at home and im terrified of going into this with such a paranoid mindset
You're going to have to stop worrying so much about it, or dump him, he doesn't deserve to live with a selfish girlfriend who only thinks about herself. I suggest trying to gain confidence (exercise or something) in yourself OR continuing to be the venom in the relationship and have it fail miserably; you're self sabotaging.
>>16969892
I can't think of anything at all, really
My self esteem took a massive hit a few months ago but I feel like I have improved somewhat. Apart from that, nothing has changed. I've talked to my counsellor about this and we can't really figure out the reason for it at all.
>>16969868
Men will always look at other women just at a glance, you can't control that. But then again there's nothing wrong with taking slight peaks, we just like to.
But, if he is obviously looking too long or seems to get a little flirtatious then its an issue.
Looking is fine, hes not gonna leave you.
>>16969906
lol ok im an asshole for being insecure
i am working on my confidence though, its always been a problem for me anyway
>>16969916
thanks for the reassurance, I'd know if it was more than just a glance and thats fine but knowing that he might look and get excited by other women freaks me out... not much i can really do about that
I used to be a little like that with my ex, but he did give me reasons not to trust him without anything to prove I could. It was a red flag I didn´t want to see.
>>16969868
Spoiler alert: every man looks at other women. Even the guy currently inside Scarlett Johanssen, once in a while, sees someone on the street and thinks
'Damn, I'd tap that harder than a 747 in 2001'
And that's okay.
The problem is when men act on it - and loyal, happy men won't.
If you trust your BF you have nothing to worry about. But he WILL on occassion look at other women and there is fuck all you can do about it. Trying will drive him away
>>16969949
thanks, thats really all I needed to hear!
>>16969910
>My self esteem took a massive hit a few months ago
Deets.
>>16969957
Also, for what it's worth, plenty of guys will be scoping out your ass and imagining how good it would feel to stuff their dick up it.
Your relationship is doomed. Without trust, and with overwhelming jealousy there is nothing. Those negative emotions will engulf anything positive. You need to break up, you need to evaluate your character and try again when you have come to terms with whatever subconsciously brought this on.
>>16970031
deets? ditto?
>>16970035
you know what that does make me feel better because I sure as hell dont feel compelled to jump on a dick as soon as some guy looks at me funny
>>16969917
>lol ok im an asshole for being insecure
yeah, basically. Insecurity always causes the most terrible aspects of human behavior; cruelty, anger, abuse, etc.
good people don't succumb to it, of course.
>>16970047
>deets?
Details.
>>16970044
nah i can get over this, I'm getting so much better through counselling and its not that I dont trust him, its that i react badly to certain negative thoughts
I trust him completely, its just a 'bad voice' in my head thats bothering me
>>16970054
Well I wish you luck on your quest. I understand having a low self esteem... But if you let it affect you negatively any time he is in public then there really isn't a solution other then break up. You can't *not saying you are* expect him to hide in his house until you need/want him
>>16970053
ohh I see, sorry!
Well a few years ago I was still in the grips of a shitty ex boyfriend (who i did love at the time) who built up my self confidence based on me sending pictures to him. It was long distance, it was the only way we managed to get each other off. I left him before I left uni and found that without him enjoying my pictures I lacked any sense of pride or worth in my appearance.
I then met my current bf who made me feel truly worthwhile and attractive, which he still does today. I have now reverted back to my old ways of thinking "i wish x was bigger/smaller/nicer" and I cant think of anything that has happened to do so. If anything, I should be more happy with how I look since I've really got into shape and everything but I no longer feel confident in my appearance anymore.
>>16970065
Your mistake is that you depend on outside sources to feel good about yourself. This will mess up every relationship you are in. Saying 'There's nothing I can do about that' is lethargic and unproductive.
>>16970059
I know where you're coming from with this, I recognise that it will be really harmful if I let this get any worse so I am working on it. It can be really hard to stay rational sometimes but I'm seeing a psychiatrist soon so that could help
>>16970076
ok so I need to find my own self-worth
I will admit that I totally depend on his approval for stuff like this, I know I need to appreciate myself but it'll take a while. I'm willing to change this though, I know I can get there since I've done it before but we'll see
OP
Watch this video immediately, enlighten your mind on this issue and stop worrying over this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlZsGpWJmos
>>16969868
>its soul destroying.
It really is. "It" being your problem with him checking other women out.
I have had the same problem myself (worst case with current partner, my fiance). My problem stems from a lack of self worth and confidence, and growing up with a mother who pounded into my skull the following: "When your man looks at another woman, it means he is dissatisfied." Which is not fucking true.
You haven't stopped finding other men attractive since the beginning of your relationship (and if you think you have, you're being delusional).
Attraction is normal. Denying it will only cause you problems. NOW, the only thing you need be concerned with is whether or not your boyfriend takes action on any attractions which may arise.
If he is faithful to you, by /not/ pursuing other women, then you have NOTHING to worry about.
It takes a lot of time to get this rewired, but it's so fucking worth it.
What helped me? Imagining he /is/ cheating on me, and that I have no clue. That he /is/ dissatisfied. I follow these scenarios to their extreme ends and am left without any logical explanation as to why he is with me. Why would he 'put himself through' the experience of being with me if he didn't want to be? What if he is cheating? Well, I have no idea if he is, and if someday I find out that he is or has been, then our relationship is over.
Good luck, OP. You're better than this.
