She was my first girlfriend and we have been together for almost ten years. We have a long story together, but some years ago I realized I probably didn't love her anymore. Maybe in our third or fourth year of marriage. I decided to ignore it since not only we are married, but we were best friends before getting married, so I deeply care about her and her feelings.
However, as time passed, things have gotten worse. I've began to be more and more distant and cold, and she realized it. We began to have discussions from time to time, and I would make promises of being a better and more attentive husband. Since I've had a background of depression, she would always forgive me. Sometimes she would raise the question of whether I still loved her, and I would always answer 'yes'.
And now all is lost. I've got the job of my dreams (in a new city, far away from our previous home), which is, however, extremely stressful and as a consequence I became so detached and cold that we've began to have discussions almost every day. Eventually, one month ago, I told her all the truth - that I wasn't sure I still loved her, that I had doubts, that this was something I was feeling for some years, but that I wanted to solve this problem with her, maybe doing some therapy, because divorce was not an option for me.
Long story short, she is now constantly talking about divorce. Today she almost left. I managed to convice her to stay with me for the next weeks until she decides what she will do. She says that now staying with me is hurting her, that our whole marriage was a mistake and a lie, that she doesn't want to ever see me again and that I should let her go away.
What should I do? I'm 100% sure I don't love her anymore, but for her happiness, and for our families, I don't want a divorce. I feel like the most despicable human being.
>>17269209
>have loving wife
>have dream job
>piss it all away to teenage angst
shaking my damn head to be honest familia
>>17269209
You cannot be married to somebody that you do not have feelings for, and the very worst thing is to tell her that you are concerned about your feelings towards her. Your choice is to stay in a shaky, unhealthy marriage or to get a divorce.
>>17269209
I'm married, not for as long as you have been, so it feels a bit backwards for me to be giving you advice, but man, you have to have realized by now that love is at least partially a choice. Right? The 'spark' that people often are referring to when they say 'love' goes away eventually for almost everybody, but it comes back too, sometimes spontaneously, sometimes because you put real work into rekindling it.
You keep saying "I don't love her anymore," but what does that even mean?
Are you still physically attracted to her?
Does she still seem to be attracted to you? I'm assuming your sex life is pretty dry right now, because the words "I don't love you anymore" have to be the most efficient libido-killer there is, but if you hadn't been distant and disengaged for so long, do you think you'd have a healthy sex life?
Are you still best friends? Do you still enjoy her company?
What, specifically, are your complaints? Don't say "I don't know, I just don't love her anymore," that's a dodge. It's OK if your complaints are unfair, you're not culpable for how you feel, but you must have something specific.
>>17269209
what don't you love about her anymore? did she become unattractive or something? do you think your loss of attraction is due to your depression and not because of her?
otherwise, people like you are why i'm terrified of getting married and having kids.
fuck, this must suck for your wife... i don't blame her for wanting the divorce. she deserves to find someone who does love her.
goddamnit OP you're such a tool
What does it even mean you've stopped loving her? Are you comfortable and relaxed around her? Do you trust her completely? Are you attracted to her?
What makes you say you've fallen out of love with her?
No offense OP but if you pulled this bullshit on me, I'd want your ass as far fucking away from me as possible too.
>divorce is not an option
Look at you Mr. Bigbritches. You can call those kinds of shots now can you? You just told the women who dedicated a DECADE of her life to you that you don't love her. I'm not shocked she filed divorce, I'm shocked she didn't try to run you over with her car.
Let her go you selfish selfish prick.
>>17269251
>>17269232
Yes, I know a fucked up, I'm despicable etc.
>>17269251
>Are you still physically attracted to her?
Honestly, no. She's not even ugly, I simply have lost interest in having sex with her, she almost like a sister/mother to me. I have sex with her as an obligation, and I feel like the worst human being for it.
>do you think your loss of attraction is due to your depression and not because of her?
i used to thing that my depression was responsible for our problems and I managed to convice her about it through the years, but some years ago I realized that it was probably our relationship that was depressing my. I feel like the ultimate bastard for not being able to have the same feelings towards her that she has towards me. She is very loving and attentive and I'm incapable of corresponding accordingly.
> i don't blame her for wanting the divorce. she deserves to find someone who does love her.
Maybe I'm not supposed to marry anyone and simply live a solitary life?
Are you still best friends? Do you still enjoy her company?
Yes we are. I enjoy her company, but simply doesnt feel confortable with the idea that we are supposed to live as husband and wife. I dont even want to have kids with her, but eventually will, if I have to.
>What, specifically, are your complaints?
We were like 20 years old when we got married. We broke up the year before, she got depressed, suicidal, told me her abusive parents would disown her because she wasn't a virgin anymore, that she would never get to marry. I was sincerely concerned about her and thought I still had feelings, so we got married.
>>17269312
I agree with you. In my defense I would say that I also dedicated a decade of my life to her. She never denied that and still recognizes that she has been happy all these years - she says that she doesnt want to remain married to me because I lied to her telling I was happy.
>>17269209
>but for her happiness, and for our families, I don't want a divorce
You honestly think staying with a man that doesn't love and doesn't treat you very well makes you happy? What the hell?
>>17269325
I never mistreated her, never. Sometimes - during stressful times - I would get a a bit detached. She's been constantly telling me how happy she was throughout these years and simply cannot believe I dont have the same feelings for her.
>>17269209
Just make up your fucking mind, man. Go all-in and commit, or go for the divorce.
You have to realize how shitty and inconsiderate this is. Dating/marriage is different for women than men, she doesn't have all the time in the world to start a family. So let her fucking go while she's still young enough to have a chance. You can't just keep dragging this shit out because you're afraid to make a concrete decision. You don't love her. End it.
>>17269331
Yeah, you certainly do sound like a keeper.
>>17269334
>>17269334
thanks, you are right about that
>>17269322
>In my defense I would say that I also dedicated a decade of my life to her.
And initially, it was for the right reasons. But instead of working on your problems and trying to rekindle that spark, you let it die away. You allowed yourself to stay in an unhappy marriage out of obligation and convenience, not because you love her. And that's one of the worst things you can do to someone that cares about you.
>We were like 20 years old when we got married.
A lot of people seem to use this as an excuse for allowing the spark in the relationship die off. Having been with the same person since I was a teen, and married at 20 myself, I call bullshit. It takes work that you aren't prepared to put effort into.
I do have some serious questions though. Do you masturbate regularly? Because that can dampen any sexual/romantic feelings you may have for her. Are you treated for depression? Because to me, it sounds like you're allowing it to consume your life and the way you live it.
>>17269348
I never told I was (I'm certain I'm not well-functional enough as a human being and if my marriage ends I would probably live the rest of my life alone). My only concern is what's the best thing to her, if it will be better for her to get divorced or if I should try my best pretending I still love her, eventually having kids etc.
>>17269209
>depressive background
>not feeling love anymore
>still caring that much to stay married
That your wife wants to leave is her very own right. Nobody wants to be not loved and not cared for and live in a loveless marriage.
But first things first. Can't you feel love altogether anymore or can't you love only your wife anymore? I mean could/did you fall in love with someone else or not?
Because if you can't feel love for anyone at all it's "only" your depression and you still can save your marriage.
But you might be deeper than you think and definitely need to take care of this issue. You really need to fix yourself and try your best to do so. It's eating at you and destroying your marriage and partner.
Also first things first tell your wife you found the source of the bullshit you spew, explain very detailed and apologise deeply and promise her as soon as you you're fixed and normal you will be back to feeling love again and love the shit out of her.
If you fell in love with someone else or could fall in love with someone else let her and the marriage go. It's insane and only bullshit would come out of it anyways.
>>17269313
Look, it's like this. Either man the fuck up, decide that you do in fact want this woman, go out on dates with her, plan a crazy trip together, stay up late watching movies and playing stupid games and acting like college kids again and focusing on the physical qualities about her that you KNOW are attractive even if for whatever reason you're no longer feeling it, until the attraction reasserts itself and you fall back in love with her ...
... either do that, or man the fuck up and agree to an uncontested divorce.
Asking her to stay with a man who is no longer in love with her is not a reasonable request. It's cruel, and a waste of her time. Almost any woman with a shred of self-respect in her position would want to leave.
The choice is yours, and I'm not going to judge you whichever you pick (others might, but fuck'em) but those are your two options and you do *not* get to wiggle out of this.
>>17269331
>I never mistreated her, never.
Yes, you did.
>Sometimes - during stressful times - I would get a a bit detached.
And you don't seem to understand how harmful and serious that is. How she was probably full of anxiety. Why do you think she was so attentive and caring? Because she was terrified of losing you.
>She's been constantly telling me how happy she was throughout these years and simply cannot believe I dont have the same feelings for her.
I'm sure she was happy. I'm not saying the bad cancels out the good. But don't downplay what you've done to her.
>>17269357
>My only concern is what's the best thing to her, if it will be better for her to get divorced or if I should try my best pretending I still love her, eventually having kids etc.
I don't think you fully grasp how emotions work. You can't just spring this on someone and then pretend that everything is okay. You've broken trust here.
>>17269313
>We were like 20 years old when we got married. We broke up the year before, she got depressed, suicidal, told me her abusive parents would disown her because she wasn't a virgin anymore, that she would never get to marry. I was sincerely concerned about her and thought I still had feelings, so we got married.
So now it comes out
>>17269209
>loving faithful waifu
>good job
>you can't see how lucky you are
she deserves better than you I hope you divorce and she takes another guy's dick
>>17269357
>if I should try my best pretending I still love her, eventually having kids etc.
This isn't an option anymore. She already knows how you feel, you told her yourself, and you can't erase it. She's already heard you promise to be a better husband, and she's already seen you slide back on that promise because your heart isn't really in it.
She's not stupid enough to buy it again. She knows you don't love her. The best you can hope for is shared misery. It's already over, just sign the damn papers. You'll both feel better when it's done.
>>17269359
>But you might be deeper than you think and definitely need to take care of this issue.
I forgot to add that you definitely need professional help. AND you need to make an effort to find someone who actually actually knows what they're doing (good therapist). Not all of them are good and can help at all. You'll find out easily, if you feel better and think it helps keep going. If you don't, search out for the next therapist/psychiatrist.
> instead of working on your problems and trying to rekindle that spark, you let it die away.
How am I supposed to do that? I want to love her again, but I dont know what I have to do.
>Do you masturbate regularly?
I used to, in the early years of marriage, our sex life got shitty, stop doing this shit, and since then (until some months ago) we had a regular sex-life, though I realized it was more and more an obligation for me.
>Are you treated for depression?
I am, or at least was treated, and that's when I realized my depression was probably not the cause of my doubts about our relationship. My doctor told me I was ok, I didnt have to take my medicines, by I still felt empty in our relationship.
>. Can't you feel love altogether anymore or can't you love only your wife anymore? I mean could/did you fall in love with someone else or not?
I feel attracted to other women I have once almost fallen in love to another woman. We attended some classes together, so I stop going to theses classes when I realized what I was going on. Now I'm ok, but the idea of eventually getting in love for another woman while being married to my wife fucks my mind, I dnot want this shit to happen, I already feel like the worst of human beings, that would be too much.
>>17269366
fair enough, I accept your arguments.
>>17269380
yeah this pretty much says it OP
>>17269370
is there a way of making her trust me again? Of me getting to love her again? I want her to be happy and I want to be happy with her
>>17269375
of course I know how lucky I am, maybe that's one of the reasons I dont want a divorce?
>>17269382
thanks for the advice. I answered to your previous post here >>17269386
>>17269380
I just cant understand why I dont love her, we were best friends, I care for her, she cares for me, she always do her best to take care of me, this wasnt supposed to be happening.
>>17269357
>>17269359
>(I'm certain I'm not well-functional enough as a human being and if my marriage ends I would probably live the rest of my life alone)
OK this is kinda proving I am right.
Good news your marriage is savable.
Bad news, your heavily depressed and need to go on maybe a few years of fixing this.
But it's a small price and totally worth it.
(I had the same and am cured and happy after about a year of therapy. This was like 7 years ago)
Tell your wife as soon as possible and search for a therapist. And apologise again and again deeply for hurting her feelings!!!!
>>17269386
>How am I supposed to do that? I want to love her again, but I dont know what I have to do.
You have to put more effort in being romantic/spontaneous. You have to continue doing new and interesting things together, so that all of your good memories aren't from the early years of your relationship. And seek out help from a therapist, because I think you need a second opinion.
>though I realized it was more and more an obligation for me
That sounds like an issue with emotional distance. If you force yourself into doing something you don't enjoy, with someone you don't feel you love, you're not going to like it. See above, and once that's sorted out, things should get better (unless you have other unresolved sexual issues you didn't mention).
>I am, or at least was treated, and that's when I realized my depression was probably not the cause of my doubts about our relationship. My doctor told me I was ok, I didnt have to take my medicines, by I still felt empty in our relationship.
Get a second opinion, even a third.
>I feel attracted to other women I have once almost fallen in love to another woman. We attended some classes together, so I stop going to theses classes when I realized what I was going on. Now I'm ok, but the idea of eventually getting in love for another woman while being married to my wife fucks my mind, I dnot want this shit to happen, I already feel like the worst of human beings, that would be too much.
That's called a crush and it can happen to anyone. You don't know what life is like with this other person, so you subconsciously place your ideals on them. It was good that you caught it and ended it quickly. People always seem amazing on the surface, but you don't know what it's really like to be with them (and what other problems they bring.)
>>17269399
thanks man, maybe you have saved my life. Maybe I'm depressed again. I go for it.
>>17269209
This whole thread to you:
>>>/biz/1308332
>>17269404
Damn anon, I'm not even part of all this and I learned something. Thanks man
>>17269313
>We were like 20 years old when we got married. We broke up the year before, she got depressed, suicidal, told me her abusive parents would disown her because she wasn't a virgin anymore, that she would never get to marry. I was sincerely concerned about her and thought I still had feelings, so we got married.
Are you all going to ignore it? No comments on this?
>>17269404
thanks man, really appreciated the feedback. I'm taking notes.
>>17269393
>is there a way of making her trust me again? Of me getting to love her again? I want her to be happy and I want to be happy with her
Dude, this has happened to me *several* times. Love's like a flower or a garden or whatever, I don't feel like writing a poetic simile but it requires care and upkeep, it doesn't just sustain itself.
Something attracted you to her in the beginning, right? I mean physically. Try and remember what it was. I'm sure she has a cute smile, or a cute haircut, or pretty eyes, that used to give you butterflies in your stomach when you thought about her. Sure, she's older now, but I'm sure whatever drew you to her is still attractive. Seriously, focus on that. Have a little mental discipline.
Take her on a date. Whatever floats your boat, it doesn't have to be exotic or expensive, even just ordering pizza and snuggling together on the couch watching a movie.
Take a completely spontaneous road trip. I'm serious. You have any vacation days saved up at work? Call them in, get both your asses in the car and go wherever the fuck sounds fun. Don't focus on her, focus on the adventure & the destination, you just have to do it with her. I'm sure she won't be bad company on the road. Bonus points if you do something really stupid that you think you're too mature and responsible for now. I don't know what, pick something. Get your fucking adrenaline pumping.
>>17269417
I am not to sure how to use this information other than I guess the marriage even started on rocky ground? You seem like you want to be a good person, but you have problems internalizing emotions.
>>17269386
>I feel attracted to other women I have once almost fallen in love to another woman.
Maybe your marriage is still savable, because here you seem to only "fall in love" because you're feeling trapped in your life and other women are some sort of escape from that.
But only you can tell, go inside yourself and ask yourself, why is it that it could be other women but not your very own wife? Be honest, don't lie to yourself.
Act accordingly.
>>17269398
This thread confuses me too, because in a lot of ways it sounds like you DO love her. You haven't mentioned any interest in other women, and it seems like you genuinely want to put her well-being before your own, you just don't think that you know how.
In an earlier post you said
>She's been constantly telling me how happy she was throughout these years and simply cannot believe I dont have the same feelings for her.
It seems like your main anxiety is that you aren't a good husband to her, but apparently she doesn't agree? So what's the problem, really?
Men are different than women. It's normal that you aren't quite as affectionate or emotional as she is, that you don't know how to express your feelings. It's also normal for that feeling of sexual passion to fade once you get used to her and your sex life settles into a routine. If you still HAVE a sex drive, though, there are ways you can spice things up and get yourself into it again.
But the real problem, right now, is that you keep fucking saying you don't love her. You didn't just tell her you were having doubts, you told her you've been out of love with her for YEARS.
It's really, really tough to take those words back. I can completely understand why she reacted the way she did. You completely shattered her understanding of the last 8 years or so of her life.
>>17269417
What's there to say? We don't know how he felt for her at the time, and given that his depression is currently untreated, he doesn't seem to know how he felt (and still feels). If I genuinely loved someone, and I was in those shoes, I would've done the same thing.
>>17269409
You're welcome op, glad I could help :)
Quick depression help in the meantime:
Don't ever forget that depression and anxiety only stems from stress. You need to locate the stress factors in your life (it's completely different for every person) and need to remove them as good as possible. Also not every amount of stress is bad for you, quite the opposite. A certain amount of stress is good for you but after you've hit the limit you need to regain energies by chilling out again (again this is completely different for every person. Some can chill out only with their friends and by going out, others need to stay home and need their alone time)
Otherwise you fall into depression. The bigger amount of stress and the longer you're exposed to stress the deeper you fall into depression, after "work mode" wears off.
The most important thing is now to try and listen and read yourself. What causes you stress? How can you avoid and lower your stress to a healthy amount? If you can't avoid immediately you need to make sure you can at least recover and after that you still need to change your lifestyle gradually to adjust.
And don't ever forget the fact that if you lived through the dark times you'll be completely yourself again. This helps me every time if I feel even the slightest depressed to be patient and more understanding to myself. it helps a lot make it through.
>>17269409
>Maybe I'm depressed again. I go for it.
Also your new dream job far away is a big change in your life and all the uncertainties and unknown is stressing and anxiety the fuck out of you. So yes I strongly think you are stressed and in effect of this depressed the fuck out of your mind.
Even a regular move is a huge stress factor for anyone.
