You have 60 seconds to write the best possible stand-up comedy you can think of.
No dialogue, just two guys come and fuck you in the ass on stage.
A comedy about a man who is /tv/ personified. Pic related.
>>70299452
A homeless gentleman walked up to me the other day
"Please sir, I haven't had a bite in months!" He said
>Well what did you do?
Well I leant over and bit him of course
>AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
whats the deal with peanus they look nothing like peas peas are green
I have a rather long and strange story that I've told many times. It's the weirdest thing I've seen in person and I've been told it's my funniest story. I call it simply "the milk story"
Have Charlie Murphy come up and tell stories of partying in Hollywood in the 80s with his brother
STOP SAYING I'M GAY
I AM NOT GAY
I AM NOT GAY BUT YOU ARE GAY, FUCK YOU
>So I got my period today. I woke up and saw I was on my period and was like Already? Come on I thought I just did this a month ago and here we are again on my period.
>Crowd loses their shit.
First impressions are hard man I'll tell ya, especially when you're meeting your neighbors for the first time. That's always an awkward conversion isn't it?
I can't even get past my court ordered introduction as a registered sex offender before they start judging me.
>>70299452
What's the DEAL with Bane? He's a big guy! A big guy! Is he a big guy for me, a big guy for you? I don't know!
A nigger, a Jew and a grossly-obese Mexican walk into a gay bar. They approach a fat, cum-gargling faggot with a 2-inch-long, always flaccid penis using an Apple product at a table. "You wanna come back to our place?" the nigger asks the faggot. "You can toss my Mexican friend's rancid herpes-and-shit-covered salad and jerk my Jewish friend's wart-and-pimple covered penis while I ram my giant unlubed nigger-cock into your gaping oft-fucked asshole." "Oh, literally nothing in the world would make me happier!" says the faggot. "But first i need to start a thread about stand-up comedy and subtly steal peoples' jokes, on 4chan's Film & Television board. It will just take a moment."
>>70299482
Why is that not me??!!
>>70299649
You have potential anon. I'm chortling
>>70299452
I ate a bag of raw kale, it wasn't very good. It tasted like spinach but was much worse. They say kale is a superfood. It tastes like shit though. I guess you would taste like shit too if you were super. If kale was a person it would probably an hero because of how bad it tastes. Imagine being a kale woman and sucking kale dick and how bad it tastes. If kale was a person it'd be African because it's leaves are all curly and thick and nappy. It's supposed to be super nutrient dense so that's why I eat it. If kale was a black person it'd be DJ Kaled. "You healthy. You antioxidized. You a plant eater." The next time I buy a bag of kale, I don't think I'll eat it in such large portions once more. Have you even tried those kale shakes at Walmart? They aren't very tasty is all I'll say. And they look like diahrrea too. Like someone ate nothing but kale and milk then shat it into a bottle. No thanks. My dog wouldn't even eat kale, and he's a , you know, dog. I wonder how they even make it at the kale factory. How's that for GMO you buck toothed faggots. I digress though , if you wanna have a lot of vitamin K you should eat kale. How about that, they should just rename it to Vitamin Kale. Seriously, it has over a thousand percent daily value in a single serving, what the fuck am I supposed to do with all that vitamin k? Shit out more kale? No but really, it wouldn't hurt to eat more kale, even though it doesn't taste very well that's all I'll say
So the other day I applied for a job as a dishwasher. Turns out they don't really want a dishwasher. They want someone to watch their mentally retarded employees wash dishes. So I take the job and guess what? Retards don't work night shifts. So guess who washes the dishes? I do. But I'm not getting paid the same as the average dishwasher. I'm getting paid DOUBLE to do the work at the pace that a RETARDED person would do it! So I think to myself, they're paying me this much money for this kind of work? NOW WHO'S RETARDED IN THIS SITUATION?
>waits for laughter, receives none
So...my grandpa passed away on my first day on the job. I barely knew the guy but my mom was in the room when it happened, so I feel I owe it to her to go to the funeral. But it's on a day that I work. So I ask for a day off. I don't have any paid leave accumulated yet, but I guess you still get paid if its bereavement leave. So I got my slip signed and that's that.
>waits for laughter again. shuffles nervously
I also have to get an annual TB test, but they said they would pay for it. So I guess that's cool...
>waits.
NIGGERS NIGGERS NIGGERS NIGGERS NIGGERS
>>70299802
>If kale was a person it would probably an hero
>>70299831
>no "im getting paid to goto a strangers funeral...can you bereave that?"
>>70299948
DAMMIT.
Please give me all of your personal information so I can credit you in my stand-ups.
>>70299975
that wont be necessary I watch retards wash dishes...im set for life
I do this for a loving so can't really post the contents of an upcoming HBO special.
i jack off before any major decision i make now. leaving the house, curly fries or straight, its really awkward, especially for drive through guy.
>>70299702
whew lad
>>70299482
I'm more interested by dat thigh.
>>70299452
So they told me i had 60 seconds up here. What a bunch of lunatics, i tell ya. Do i look like Jack Bauer? There's no fucking bomb here.
The only thing that's gonna explode is the fat guy in the 2nd row. Look at him, his face is all red already. How i'm gonna defuse this bastard? Jesus Christ, i don't wanna make you laugh but it's really tempting to make you explode.
>>70300136
That was pathetic, Louis CK wannabee.
WHATS THE DEAL WITH BIG GUYS?
THEY BE COMMIN ON YO PLANE
THEY BE CRASHIN IT WITH NO SURVIVORS
NIGGA GOT OFF DIS PLANE!
NIGGA!
WHAT?!
Not standup but just some sketch comedy ive been working on
Camera pans to two men in a gas station walking around the aisles
One man is scanning through the candy shelves looking for something to snack on
The other man is on his phone texting his girlfriend
>Seventeen police officers run in rapidly firing a barage shots at the two men
both men are dead within seconds
>seinfeld music plays
cashier looks at the camera "Welp, i guess they dindu nuffin"
>There's another coming out of that popeyes
>the sound of constant gunshots last for 15 seconds while the camera is still on the cashier who is just smiling back into the camera
scene cuts to black
gunshots still ringing
Slideshow of pictures of larry david photoshopped into fish tanks plays
ill be here all week guys
>>70300520
Hehe
>>70299485
Sounds like it would only work if you were british.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0OELgNPkrFj
No singles policy
Maaaan, you evah notice when black people cross the street, dey cross it one way. But white people. Maaaan, when white people be crossing the street, it different!
I'M WAITING FOR A WRITING JOB LESLIE.
>>70300697
HBO special incoming.
>>70301273
fucking hell dude
>>70299702
Sounds like a good night out, shame someone beat you in making this thread.
I'd go on stage and smoke some weed, then complain about my wife fucking niggers.
>>70300040
What, the Amy Schumer "Chocolate Starfish" Special?
I don't share funny thoughts with this cancerous board anymore.
Fuck you /tv/.
>>70299452
Okay
*crumples paper, throws it past the auduence*
Looks like that one went over your head.
"women's suffrage."
>>70301821
I put my soul into that pal
>>70301984
Yeah how about that woman's suffrage? While they're getting together to talk about voting and working, Im stuck dealing with Laundry's suffrage and Dinner's suffrage.
>>70301273
>pitch perfect? it should have been pitch mediocre but there's no alliteration!
genius
>So i saw this picture on facebook a while back that really got me thinking. The pic showed some girl holding a stack of bills and the caption was "others out here sleeping when im always on my grind, just made 1500 tricking out here tonight*" majority of the comments were like lol ho you nasty and your parents must be horrified. But i had a completely different response. I was like damn, thats alot of money in one night. And you know she aint gettin taxed on that shit either. I did the math being the nerdy negroid i am and if shes hoeing 3 times a week making 1500, thats 18k a month. And 216k a year. Plus i doubt shes paying taxes on that shit. Thats hella impressive. And who am i to judge what her profression its 2016. Prostitution should be completely in my honest opinion. Brothels and everything. Any parents thinking "oh i dont want my kids exposed to that kid of stuff" are dumb as fuck. Kids nowadays know more sex positions then us. Porn is so easily accessible nowadays its ridiculous. When you go to a porn website it asks you are you 18 yes or no and thats it. Aint no other precautions. Youd think theyd be able to monitor that like as soon as you say your 18 you gotta post proof or something but nuh uh thats it. And even without porn theres so much sex on basic cable nowadays what with rihanna showin her nipples and shit. Kids know sex exists, so i dont think prostitution will be the worst thing in the world.Besides its got so many more pros then cons.
Im almost 100% certain that the majority of mass shootings in the states are done by depressed sexless virgins. Who the fuck would commit a crime right after feeling the warm embrace of a woman
Fuck this is the best i could do baka should prob an hero
>>70299480
Make it black guys and I'm in
What about this one have you heard of this one? The guy shaved off all his pubes and after he gives the girl a facial he throws them on her face, so that she has a little goatee?
It's called the Patrice O'n - I mean the Abraham Lincoln
>>70301273
Top notch
GOOD OLD MOTHER GOOSE
YEAH, I FUCKED HER
>>70299550
I'm bored already
if i bang my dog is that incest?
ok i am going to read the first part of a tweet and you guys have to guess the hashtag at the end of it
ok, "best father's day ever"
nope
no sorry
the answer is #StepDaughterAnal
ok now the next one is "where the jews at?"
nope
oooo close, the answer is "#1945tweets"
what's the deal with airline food haha just joking but seriously why is that kike seinfeld so popular
haha just joking but for real airline food is fully fucked like what is the deal
>>70302471
The 2nd one is good.
>>70302471
>oooo close, the answer is "#1945tweets"
>>70299452
Transvestite who has got confused what to wear !!
>>70299482
Would sniff and lick
y'all niggas trippin bout the zika virus but i'm cold chilling, i don't even own a computer
my friend got broken up with yesterday. his girlfriend came over to his place after work, sat him down, and told him firmly, "i can't take this bullshit about you pretending to be a detective, it was kind of cute and funny at first but it's just delusional jared, you aren't a detective. we should split up." but he was like, "that's a great idea we can cover more ground that way."
>>70303664
good joke but good luck becoming a well known comedian doing jokes nowadays.
Hey, are you Jimmy Carr? No? Wait, you're not even British? Then don't do punchline comedy. You can make a living but you won't be remembered.
So I read the other day that fish don't actually feel pain, at least not we do.
Thank you ladies and gents you have been an amazing bunch tonight!
THE ARISTOCRATS!
So I went to the dentist the other day. (oh you guys go too? cool)
So the dentist is rooting around in my mouth, and instead of saying the usual "so anon how much do you floss" or "hey you haven't been flossing much huh" she heaves this big dramatic sigh. She looks me in the eyes and says, "anon, at what point did you just...give up?"
And I'm taken aback for a second. It's like my dentist has really boiled down, to its very essence, just how big of a piece of shit I've become since my last visit. I think about it for a while, and I finally look back into her eyes and sayAUUGHGHGHUUHAHAHUGHUGHHGif I was on stage I'd hook my fingers in my mouth to present the punchline better
HE'S A NIGGER
>>70304152
This one has been battle tested, if it works it works
Ok ok
So, a man walks into a bar, and he says "Ouch"
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender goes "WHY THE LONG FACE?"
AND THE HORSE GOESI'm dying of terminal cancer
HAROLD WILSON
>>70304134
very good anon.
>>70304336
I hope you aren't joking. I've been thinking that up for a little while trying to see if it could work.
>>70303871
what the hell is "non-punchline comedy" then? is it like those british faggots that tell the long winded stories that wrap up incredibly conveniently?
>>70304384
you should tell the joke in german
i need a (You) and i'll give you guys the punchline
>>70304588
I'll bite.
>>70302272
Thanks bruh
>>70299452
So Captain America throws his shield at me and I'm like "Did you just throw a frisbee at me? The fuck? I'm not a dog."
>>70304604
because germans love working
>>70304134
I don't get it
>>70304755
The joke is she'd still have her fingers in my mouth. Because she's a dentist.
>>70299550
i'm actually laughing at how pointless this post was
that would be pretty funny if you told an audience you have a really funny story then just never tell it and immediately move on to another subject
>>70305061
you definitely don't want to tell it in spanish
>>70305142
anon I'm not going to keep replying if you say punchlines that don't make sensewell maybe just this once
>>70305183
you want the joke to work, germans are known for being industrious and spaniards/mexicans are considered lazy
>>70305224
oh fuck I just got it
>>70304134
that's pretty good senpai
>>70299452
Saddam didn't took no shit from bakers!
He would enter in random bakery, ask for 1 kg of bread, baker would give him, he would put it
on scale, scale says 0,879g, so he said to his national guard that they throw him into furnace.
>Every baker had loafs of 1 kg later on(in 0.00001 g), he singlehandedly beat corruption in Iraq in 5 minutes.
:)))
We put fishes into tanks and birds into cages. That would make pretty onesides war.
>>70299452
Thats what she says!
>>70305514
>>70305248
here's another angle: the problem with telling mexican jokes is that they don't work
>>70305514
really makes you think
but memeing aside i don't get this at all lol
>>70305653
tanks meaningartillery
>>70305674
tanks for the explanation
HAHAHAHJAHAAJAJAHAHABAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA i have to fantasize about death in order to fall asleep :(
I think my girlfriend is too young and inexperienced for me. Everytime we have sex she just lays on her back and plays with rattle
I bought a book titled: how to talk about books you havent read. Havent read it, but I can talk about it
How does a rapist get a new job? Does he go to the interview or do you just find him already working there?
>Ever heard of the vegan who didn't bring his veganism up every 5 minutes? (wait for a small bit) Me neither. (laugh break) But seriously, I'm a vegan and... (segway into vegan jokes)
>>70305867
Kek
Here, I can write young women's comedy:
Got my period again.
It looks like the elevator scene from The Shining.
My boyfriend thinks I'm a slut.
Have you ever crushed on another girl's man?
I got drunk.
Okay goodnight you've been a great audience.
>>70306033
genius, 10/10 stuff amy
hey guys great to be here tonight
how is everyone doing?
yeah?
alright
so
nigger NIGGER
LOOK AT THIS FUCKING NIGGER
"I seen the whitest thing i ever seen in my life.
Granted, I've seen some white shit before - I've been to Disneyworld.
But this the whitest thing I ever saw."
And just before he finishes, George Zimmerman shoots him.
>>70306103
how bout that airline food
am I right people
am I right
right guys
right
am I right guys
>So I get a call from a number I don't recognize and the guy on the other end says, "Is this Sven?"
>I say to him, "No, this is Anon."
>He says, "Oh, is Sven there?"
>I tell him, "No. Do I sound like I even know a Sven? I think you have the wrong number."
>"Which number is this?" He says.
>"5-5-5, 5-5-5-5," I say into the phone.
>"Which number? Sorry, I didn't catch that," he says.
>So I tell him again, even slower, "5. 5. 5. 5. 5. 5. 5."
Pause for a second as people wait for any punchline.
>And I call that joke giving the cute bartender/girl in the front row/milf in the back my number.
Mime a telephone with your hands and mouth "Call me."
>Mime a telephone with your hands and mouth "Call me."
xD!!!!
>>70306233
simply epic
>>70306342
>>70306233
samefag
>>70306233
It needs to match up with the autist doing the joke. He needs to just stare at his feet and never make eye contact with that person ever again.
>>70302471
You have to understand the origin of the airline jokes. They come from New York City comedy clubs which are 100% only frequented by tourists. They laugh at all the airline jokes because they just stepped off a plane.
When I figured this out I wanted to choke everyone to death.
>>70306394
>thinks simply epic is in any way a compliment
First day?
Ive seen a homless guy with a sign every change is good. Ive checked my pockets and found two fives and got a haircut.
>>70301273
good effort m8
>>70301300
Isn't this from always sunny
>>70306126
Terrible
>>70307162
Dee said it I think.
>>70301273
>http://vocaroo.com/i/s0OELgNPkrFj
theres actually nothing wrong with this
the fact that i didnt hate it is really a miracle
this is coming from a comedy expert
good job
Will Farrel throws a fit because his neighbour/ friend/partner/brother Jim Carrey acts like a retard.
LE POOPY!
>>70299452
What a time to be alive, folks!
The other day, Shlomo, a jewish friend of mine, was talking to me. I could read sadness on his face, you know. I asked him : 'Schlomo, what's wrong? Did the state discover your tax evasion and asked for money?
Of course not, you little goy... I'm... Just thinkin' about life and the Holocaust.
But Schlomo, I repliés, it's just another lie to justify everything Israel does."
He laughed and said, with a huge smile on his face : "You damn right".
Never trust jews, you could lose. That's it for me folks, have a gold night.
>>70308836
You're a comedy expert?
I tried to write a diary. Took me only 20 before it turned to suicide note
I wanted to be edgy but all my jokes were blunt
So... 4chan. You guys ever been on this website? Fucking. Weird. For those of you who haven't, uhm, been on this thing, let me just give you a little sample. Here it goes. 4chan. Ya ready? Okay.
"You're a faggot!"
"You're a retard!"
So far so good? We can all... recognise this behaviour this is normal behaviour on the internet, right? But then it goes, then it goes weird because then it goes:
"You're a faggot."
"You're a big guy."
"For you."
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Is it CODE? FUCKING weird, that's all I'm sayin'. Like two fuckin'... spies. Disguised as participants in a movie discussion group! What a couple of assholes!
Now, I'm on thuh world, wide, web, okay? And uhhhh, there's kids, calling each other ALL KINDS of bad names. Every insult you can think of, these kids are saying to each other, you see? And most of 'em, most of 'em I can't understand.
There's this one boy, okay, and he says this bad name to another boy, he says "you're a big guy." He's calling him fat now you see? now I thought... ALL of these internet people are fat, but that's what he says, "you're a big guy..."
And the other one, the smartmouth one (you know what I mean), the smartmouth kid comes back with, now HE says, "for... you!" That's what he says, "for you," you see because he's fat for him. For... For you it means "I'm a big guy, but only from your skinny point of view," now...
And, heh heh, that ended the conversation right there, there was no more "you're a big guy," heh heh.
I've been doing a lot of shitposting lately... I'll see a thread about, you know, Tartakovskidinsky, or some perfect French intellectual, making his clever, sophisticated films about death and his rasberry jam...
*drags on cigarette*
...I'll see this thread and I go HA! IT'S SHIT! YOU'RE SHIT! Everything about you is so knee-stabbingly bad I hope you suffer from shingles.
*drinks wine*
And then I'll get banned. Because the person I was replying to is a mod. But I don't care. I HAVE A THOUSAND PROXIES, EACH MORE COMPLEX THAN THE LAST HAHAHAaaaaah... press submit. Submit times a million.
I wish I had a mouse with a hundred buttons on it so I could lie down on it and press them all simultaneously and submit a hundred posts, all in the same thread, every one of them about my waifu.
Lets have a long discussion on why punctuation is important and why its necessary to speak in shorter sentences so your audience doesnt get confused hey did you know i like cheese
*room blows up from the force of my bomb*
Anybody remember MySpace? Hm? MySpace? Have you seen my MySpace? That's where they went wrong, isn't it, starting the name of a website, made out of individual, personalised web pages, with the word "my."
"Have you seen MySpace?"
"Yes I have a page on there actually..."
"Nooooooo... Have you seen MY space... My space, as in the area allocated to me by the parking authority."
"Dohhohohhohh."
And the 4chan, hm? Have you seen the 4chan? That's what the kids are on now, isn't it? The 4chan. First there was 2chan, now there's 4chan, WHERE WILL IT END?
I often wonder, I often wonder if there was a 1chan, but it was so obscure literally nobody has heard of it.
Because you have 4chan, don't you? You have 4chan, quite popular. 4chan, quite popular, hm? And before that you had 2chan, not very popular. Before that, was there 1chan? 1chan, COMPLETELY INVISIBLE.
*sings*
>>70299452
Seinfeld-esque
"So I think that I have finally figured out what the conductor at the front of an orchestra is actually doing!
It’s so obvious when you think about it. He’s a sorcerer. He’s standing at the front using a magic wand to make a bunch of people play instruments all at the same time.
I mean think about it. Why train people to play instruments and learn songs, when you can just pay one gu
y to make them do it.
At this point everybody thinks the guy’s keeping everyone in time... Oh, a bunch of professionals need a guy twiddling a stick to keep em going, yeah, likely story Merlin."
So there's this thing called the internet, as I'm sure you're aware, and on the internet there's a site called 4chan, which is basically a bunch of idiotic halfwits complaining that everyone else is "off-topic."
The thing is, on 4chan, everyone posts with the same name, Anonymous (which ironically isn't actually a name but rather a determination that one HAS no name). You'd think that would be confusing, but all of these people are so terribly simple minded that the only things they manage to write on there are so meaningless that nobody cares who's addressing who anyway.
It's all just one big textual cauldron of nonesense, arranged in little blue boxes which have numbers in the corner to impose some semblance of order on this festival of bullshit.
Oh, and there's "dubs." "Dub's" is where these simpletons actually celebrate the fact that their previous little box, or the little box of another moron, has been assigned a number that ends with the same two digits. Kind of like when the odometer in your car reaches the point where it turns to ten thousand miles and you see the numbers all turn over at the same time and get a mild feeling of satisfaction, it's that, but on the most pitiful scale imaginable.
THERE'S A ONE IN TEN CHANCE OF THIS HAPPENING, IT'S NOT AN ACHIEVEMENT, STOP BEING IMPRESSED BY INEVITABLE RECURRENCES OF THE SAME NUMBER BEING DISPLAYED TWICE IN A ROW, GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ARSES, GO OUTSIDE AND GET A FUCKING LIFE!
>>70310865
Hm? Hm? HMMMM?
So, yeah... The internet... WOW... Lot of FREAKS on there, eh? Ha ha, so of course, I fit right in... which is groovy...
Lot of weirdos, lot of good weirdos, SOME bad weirdos but for the really weirdy weirdos you gotta go to the CHANS... The CHANS, MAN... That's where all the hip happening crazy cats are doing there thing posting about... Well, cats, a lot of the time, but also WEIRD shit like "what if I took off your MASK, would you DIE? Or would there be ANOTHER mask underneath, with six eyes and a nose made of pom-poms...?"
And there's this BIG, fuck off, GUY! Who says "For you..." and then jumps out a plane and goes splat.
But yeah... And another thing, they have WAIFUS, which is basically a way of all sharing the same gorgeous supermodel Hollywood movie star BABE, in their MINDS, yeah... But they ARGUE! Who is the BEST WAIFU? So they fight and fight and fight and finally they decide it by all agreeing that it feels bad to NOT have a girlfriend, and that they all share that feel, together, like eggs in a basket...
No not like eggs in a basket, like fish, in a... bath, like spoons in a drawer... Full of forks which are cool and knives which are... supergroovy...
Hev ye SEEN that INTERNEHT lately? Et's awl "YOU'RE a big guy, HE'S a big guy, AHM a big guy, everybawdy's a fuckin' BIG GUY!" Ah cannae underSTAHND ET.
And these FUCKIN MEEMS! They're EVERYWHEAR! Tha phone rang the other day an somebawdy answered et, an ah said "who's et fir?" an they said "Billy, et's FIR YOO!" Ah said "GET TAE FUCK with yir MEEMS! AH cannae STAND ET!"
So ahm lookin' at thess, eh, FOORchan, an there's thess MEEM, and et's called BRAVO! Et's awl BRAVO NOLAN, an BRAVO JOSS. Ah think et's mebbe from that Simpsons show, aye, bit they've taken et, an turned it intae BRAVO ANYBODY!
They're WALKIN down theyr ROAD, an they see theyr man, an et's BRAVO JIMMY! Instead of HELLO!
BRAVO JIMMY! AYE, BRAVO BILLY! CRAZY!
>>70304134
First good joke in this thread.
Props, anon.
>>70299452
Can we all agree that fat women are not attractive? I am sure majority of us prefer slim girls.
So why do people hate on Gal Gadot? Would you prefer to see the lady of cheeseburgers as Wonder Woman?
Hey y'all, what's up with that internet thing you're all just goin' fuckin' CRAZY about, huh?
"Hey Bill, you on the Facebook?" NO! NO I'm not on the Facebook, ya fuckin RETARD. Hey, government spies, ya don't need to dig through trash anymore, WE'LL JUST PUT OUR ENTIRE LIVES! RIGHT UP THERE ON YOUR WEBSITE FOR YA!
Isn't it amazing? You spend DECADES, spying on your citizens, parked across the street with telephoto lenses, just -snap- -snap- "Oh ah got a gud wun there Jim ah think he's in the tub ahuh huh..." And all you needed was to say "HEY! ASSHOLES! SIGN UP FOR OUR FREE INFORMATION EXCHANGE! IT'S FREE! That's it you fuckers, get all your pictures of the kids up there, all your bikini holiday pics, get everyone you EVER talked to in a nice orderly list, it's okay, WE WON'T USE IT TO CHECK FOR DISSIDENTS! WE WON'T USE IT TO MOULD SOCIETY, INTO AN ORWELLIAN NIGHTMARE..."
>>70299615
We're supposed to make it up anon. Not take out directly from Ali Wong
Ah like the enternet, Ah like how it brings people together, ye know? That's becawse ahm a sexual preydator.
Theyrs a groop on tha enternet cawled anone-a-mas. Ah done thenk ye need tae use tha name anone-a-mas tae hide yir aydentaty tho, jis done use yir real name, ye know? Use anotha name. Fir exahmple, ah use tha name mahdelen mackann, en tha hopes hir parents will see et an thenk tha enternet es haunted bah tha ghost ef thir deed daughtar.
Emagine ef Jimmy Savelle hed had access tae tha enternet. Heh cood hev fexed et fir everyboady... Tae hev thir cheldren be raped by ah TV celebretae end knight ev tha realm! Ah thenk he would hev loved tha enternet tho, and ah thenk ef Jimmy Savelle hed hed tha enternet then bah noo et would beh win hundrid pircent chahld poorn ensted ev jest ninetae fav pircent...
>>70310924
jerry is that you
>>70311203
Read it all in his voice fukken kek.
>>70306419
They always try that shit at Just For Laughs too, and some of the audience laughs, but it's also like "This is the big leagues, nigga, step up your game. We don't want to hear your shitty 5 minute warm-up"
Ah've been on that internet again right... An' it's always bin a bit wonky annit, always bin a bit weird yeah? But ah givvit another go 'cos like, it's technology and that innit, it's the MODERN AGE, where the marvels and wondrous digital contraptions brought forth by the electronic magicians truly boggle the contents of one's consciousness!
So ah went on there right an' this geezer went to me, ah dunno 'oo it woz coz like his name was "Anonymous," an' I'm pretty sure that wasn't 'iz real name, or if it woz, iz parents must've been on sumfing FUCKING MENTAL...
But anyway ee's come up to me on the internet right, on this site called 4chan which at first glance looks kind of like just a load of pictures an' writing an' that, sort of like a book, but the literary contents are NOT reminiscent of any TOME, VOLUME or PARCHMENT upon which yor 'umble narrator has ever set his gaze... WHERE WOZ I... THIS GEEZER, ee's gone: "'Ere," I sez "Wot," an 'e goes "For you."
I deliberated muchly on this pearl of unbridled wisdom, worthy perhaps of Descartes or else some other philosophical dabbler of his ilk, an' fort to myself "Not this again" coz it must've bin the fifteemf time somebody seddit on there in like ten minutes! Or mebbe it wuz the same geezer I dunno, EVERYONE'S FUCKIN' ANONYMOUS!
So, not one to leave such mysterious verbal fruit dangling before me, ah sed to 'im: "Oi m8, wot's yor fuckin' problem? 4 me? Wot's 4 me?" An this OSCAR WILDE of wit and charm told me to fack off back to tumblah! I said "Excuse me bravva, I don't meen no disrespect or noffin' but mebbe YOU need to fuck off back to SKOOL, because YOU seem to be in dire desperate NEED of some educational and academical enlightenment!"
I dote know if it was just him callin' me a faggot twenty times, or twenty different Anonymouses, each one calling me a faggot, or some statistical comprisation between the two right, but ah basically got called a faggot twenty times... Not very modern AFTER ALL!
So what's up with that internet thing you're all just goin' fuckin' NUTS about, huh?
People say to me "Hey Leary, you on the Facebook?" NO! I'm NOT on the Facebook, ya fuckin ASSHOLE! Hey FBI, ya don't need to dig through my trash anymore, I'LL JUST PUT MY ENTIRE LIFE! RIGHT UP THERE ON YOUR WEBSITE FOR YA!
Isn't it amazing? They spend DECADES, spying on us, parked across the street with telephoto lenses, just taking pictures... And all you needed to do was say "HEY! SIGN UP FOR OUR INFORMATION EXCHANGE! IT'S FREE! That's it you fuckers, get your pictures of the kids up there, all your holiday pics, get everyone you EVER talked to in a nice orderly list, it's okay, WE WON'T USE IT TO CHECK FOR DISSIDENTS! WE WON'T USE IT TO MOULD SOCIETY, INTO AN ORWELLIAN NIGHTMARE..."
HEY so ahhh, this whole internet thing has got me really stressed out. I go on the internet, and there's these FUCKIN'... I don't even know how to describe 'em. They call each other NECKBEARDS, ha ha, that's how fuckin' pathetic these people are.
But they fuckin stress me out man, cos when I'm like, tryin' to talk about some shit, you know in like a forum or whatever, these CUNTS, these fuckin ANIMALS are THERE, TYPIN AWAY, OH it's brutal.
I can take abuse, y'know, I mean look at me. Look at my red, ginger fuckin face and tell me I can't take some shit. But when RETARDS, FUCKIN... ARRGH! Some stupid CUNT is just like, he's sayin' "implying you're not a newfag," THAT'S WHAT HE SAID TO ME! IS THAT EVEN ENGLISH? And this fuckin NERD even made his, all his text go green like he's some fuckin computer hacker! I was scared he was gonna hack ME! and MY SHIT!
All I wanted to do was talk about my Breaking Bad shit on the internet. PLEB! THAT'S IT, That's what they called me, fuckin' PLEB! THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?
I was on the internet the other day, and there was this person on there, on your internet, on your world wide web... Called Anonymous.
And I don't know what this person does for a living, don't know what he looks like... I couldn't tell you ladies and gentlemen if he is a he or a she. (But I'd wager he is an unattractive male, neither here nor...) But this person, this "Anonymous," (I'm positive that's his Christian name), this Anonymous sure does POST A LOT OF RUBBISH.
*produces piece of paper and reads from it*
"FOR YOU."
"YOU'RE A BIG GUY."
"I BET YOU ENJOY THE MOVIES OF WES ANDERSON."
"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR QUEER PARTY FRIENDS?"
And this one's my favourite:
"BRAVO NOLAN."
It seems the new, technologically literate generation socialize exclusively by repeating, word for word, what they've seen on the internet and the more they've seen it repeated, the more acceptable it is to repeat it again...
BABBAGE, BERNERS-LEE, THEIR DREAMS REALISED... THE WORLD CONNECTED LIKE NEVER BEFORE... WONDROUS MACHINES TRANSMITTING TRILLIONS OF PIECES OF INFORMATION A SECOND...
*reads from piece of paper*
"THAT FEEL WHEN NO G F!"
>>70299452
your hometown is gay.
your hometown's sports teams are gay.
your lifestyle is gay.
you're gay.
There was once a baby chick breathing through the ass
One day the baby chick sat down and died
Anybody notice how RACIST the innernet is now? Now that WHITE folks know that NOBODY CAN GIT 'EM for sayin' shit online? It's like a KKK CHRISTMAS awn there! It's Christmas, and they got black folks hanging from the trees!
Before, white folks was like "well black folks still commit a bunch of crime (ooh I wonder if I'll get away with sayin' this) and you know, black folks is..."
And now it's just "niggerniggerniggernigger..." All day long! I'm SERIOUS! White folks on the internet just "niggerniggernigger..." because they KNOW nobody know it's them!
Next day, out at McDonald's you KNOW they be like "thank you sir..." to the black dude behind the counter, they be all like "thank you kind sir" to the black dude then they git home and git on that innernet and jus' "niggerniggerniggerniggernigger... Nigger this, nigger that..."
It's HYPOCRISY!
It's HYPOCRISY!
WHEN YOU HIDIN' WHO YOU ARE it's called HYPOCRISY!
You ever notice on the internet, anyone who knows more than you is a loser, and everyone who knows less than you is a newfag?
And everything... EVERYTHING on the internet is divided up into little convenient categories... we got the random board, the anime, the gay girls, trap girls, young girls, old girls, fun girls, fat girls, boy girls and gay boys! And if you don't have a board you like you can *POP* make one yourself just like that! And we wonder why kids aren't studying as much as they used to anymore? When I was a kid the only board WE had was the blackboard... It was a good board, because anytime you didn't want to see the porn or bad language on it, you just *WOOSH* erased your history!
And on the internet, everything is made using metaphoric language, you ever noticed that? Think about it? Download? Why down? Why load? Are we comparing hard drives to loading docks now? I know a couple dockworkers who would be PRETTY embarassed by some of the language if they went on 4chan!
But then when you put something from your hard drive onto the internet, that's an UPload... Why? Why not left-load? Or right-load? "Hey, Tony, have you been left-loading music again?" "No, Mah, I swear, I was just right-loading a torrent!"
Hi y'all. So what's up with this internet thing we're all goin' crazy about?
Last night some brainwashed liberal sheep said to me "Hey Alex, are you on the Facebook?" NO! I'm NOT on the Facebook, ya fuckin RETARD. Hey, government spies, ya don't need to plant your little spy drones in American people's houses anymore, THEY'LL JUST PUT THEIR ENTIRE LIVES RIGHT UP THERE ON YOUR WEBSITE FOR YA!
Isn't it amazing, people? The elites have spent HUNDREDS OF YEARS, spying on their subjects, had their agents hiding in basements and in wall cavities, just listening in on us. And all they needed was this CORRUPT INFORMATION EXCHANGE! IT'S CORRUPT! That's it you sheep, get all your pictures of your guns up there, all your militia pics, get every rebel you EVER talked to in a nice orderly list, it's okay... THEY USE IT TO CHECK FOR DISSIDENTS! THEY'RE USING IT TO MOULD SOCIETY, INTO AN ORWELLIAN NIGHTMARE..."
A guy walks into a bar, dragging a dead giraffe in behind him.
He pulls the thing right up to the counter, leans it up on the stool next to him and sits down.
Bartender needs the cash, it's been a slow night so he gets the guy his drinks and keeps his mouth shut about it.
Finally, the guy's done drinking, puts his money on the bar and stumbles off.
Bartender says, "Oi, you can't leave that lyin' there!"
Guy says, "Lion? That's a giraffe mate."
>>70309784
yes
I went on the internet... I heard you can order food off the internet now, so I was interested in THAT, obviously...
ERM...
And it turns out it's nearly all men on there, which probably explains why they're all so STUPID!
ERM...
But I thought, "this is fantastic!" A community of people, all as fat as me!
ERM...
So I told those people on this website "4chan," that I AM a woman, and one of them asked if I'd sit on his cock! I said okay, but it would be extremely painful...
You ever think about where things come from?
Like the original tales of stuff like monsters...or werewolves?
Or vampires?
Vampires is a good example.
Overdressed European guys creeping around at night sucking on each other's necks.
They want you to invite them in after dark to suck you.
It's just a weird coincidence is all I'm saying. And now there's this Grindr app you can get on your phone that shows you the closest Vampires in your area.
The world is a scary place.
>>70312405
I fucking hate the erm thing she and a lot of other comedians do
>>70312333
How's that
Have you ever tried to have a sensible discussion with someone on the internet? It's impossible. As soon as I started to gently steer the direction of the conversation away from Game of Thrones and towards something good (my career as a talk show host for example), they told me to go back to R*dditch! I've never even been to R*dditch (though I have driven through Worcestershire a number of times).
And they couldn't even type THAT out properly, first of all, they mispelled R*dditch. AND, instead of just speaking plain English, they used this clever internet speak, they just put G.B.2. GB2 R*dditch, I had to look it up in my Urban Dictionary...
Look, I agree it's not very nice when you don't have a girlfriend, but it's hardly an appropriate topic to begin a conversation in a place that's supposed to be dedicated to talking about movies!
They ignored me when I said that. But then, someone started going on about God punishing him for masturbating by giving him "that feel" (that's literally how he spelled it - perhaps he was foreign), and I told him how silly his belief in God was. One person pretended to tip his fedora, which must be those people's way of showing support.
So needless to say, I had the last laugh.
To the faggot who tinks he can get the voice of comedians down
you cant
to that same faggot
jokes dont tend to be thirteen paragraphs long
you fucking idiot
I wrote this in 2012 and it sits in my "stand up writing" folder I never look at or have used:
About a year ago a friend of mine hung himself. I should say an old friend, cause I hadn't seen him since high school, and this was a few years later. When I found out, my first thought was, fuck, Jimmy must've been pretty rotten, I've been plenty rotten but I've never had the balls to get up on a chair and noose myself. Then I thought, fuck I'm a shit person, I am just a shit human being. Why havn't I spoken to Jim all these years? We were thick as thieves, we'd cause havoc together and have a laugh, he was one of my good mates. So where the fuck was I when he was turning from that affable lad into the depressed man he must've become? Where was I? How come I hadn't picked up the phone and rung him up for a beer? How come I hadn't spent 10 seconds of my life thinking about this bloke? What if I could've saved his life by not being such a selfish prick? Yeah, I thought all that, I'd never lost a mate to suicide and these thoughts just hounded on my brain. About 6 months later I was sitting there thinking about him and I realised I am one self-absorbed cunt. The nerve of me to think I could've saved someone from killing themselves just by having a chat with me. Like I am that fucking charming and great fun to be around with, this bloke would've sat down and thought "Fuck I feel like necking myself, lifes pretty shit, I don't have anything to live for and whatever I do have, i don't give a fuck about......but then again.... I'd never be able to get pissed with Andrew once a year.... fuck.... yeah nah I'm not doing this, I'm changing the way my brain works, the way I look at life, and I'm staying here to hang out with Andrew, cause Andrew is such a great amazing bloke I would rather live than die so long as he and I were hanging out once every few years"
>>70313575
Am I fucked in the head or what? I should hang myself. Jimmy was a sick cunt and he'd have a laugh at that if he were around, no doubt about it. But seriously if you've got an inkling one of your mates is abit down, take em out 1on1 and have a quiet word with them, figure out what's bothering them, cause depression's a shit go.
Speaking of happy things, do you know what the leading cause of death in young australian men is? It's not smoking, drink driving, cancer or heart disease... It's suicide. The most likely cause of death to a young man is himself. Isn't that unreal? You're safer in a room of serial killers and HIV infected monkeys than in a room by yourself.
so a guy walks up to me and says "hey! have you got the time?" and I say "hey have you got the time?" and he looks at me like I am shit. So I kill him, skin him, wear his skin and become him. I then proceed to bang his wife and daughter.
The world is so fucked lol. I'm a disgusting old man, depressed, substance abuser, etc. Absolutely shameless. Fuck year. This isn't your mom's comedy!!!
I decided to make an agreement with some tipsy broad I met at a cheap ass bar a couple of years ago, she calls the agreement marriage but I call it finally an end to nagging. No but really I love my wife, and the woman I'm about to marry too! Oh boy im in trouble tonight.
>>70313800
are u rodney dangerfields ghost
>>70305248
what do you use to do these quick digital drawings. I want to be a drawfag, what would you recommend?
>>70314538
download chrome
right click image
search google for this image
discover he cropped it from another image
dont post question
Remember those phone-in competitions they used to have on morning television shows?
"You must get the bill-payer's permission to call..?"
The bill payer's asleep upstairs and they know it. Their four year old kid's downstairs, unsupervised, watching this Disneyland commercial. Which is followed by: "To win this holiday, call the number on your screen and answer the following question."
And the kid's like "A question? I KNEW there'd be a catch."
But then the question comes up: "What colour is the sky? Is it... a) Blue? b) MICKEY MOUSE...?"
At this point, 98% of kids are saying "fuck you. I know when something's too good to be true. You want me to call this number without the bill payer's permission. I'm gonna guess this "bill payer" is dad. And I call this number, you screw me on this holiday deal and I get a beating. Nice try asshole."
But there's that 2% of kids. Maybe they don't know or care what the word "permission" means, because they're being raised by morning television. Maybe they think this "Bill Payer" is some guy who's never gonna find out about this phone call. And if there are any kids who don't know the answer to that sky question... Nowadays they'd Google it but back then, they'd look outside. There's the sky. It's not "Mickey Mouse" colour. Apparently the hardest part of this competition is typing the number on the screen into the keypad on the phone. That's where GMTV sorts the men from the boys. The third time that competition comes around, the kid's got that phone in his hand, waiting for that voice to slowly read the number out for them.
And there's no way dad's gonna be pissed, it's a free holiday to Disneyland. Right?
Anyway, when I was a kid, I got a trip to Disneyland. Not in a phone-in competition, I was just lucky enough to have grandparents who took me to Disneyland...
>>70314650
Still doesn't answer my question YOU COCK EATING FAGGOT I WILL PERSONALLY INCINERATE YOUR ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>70299452
HE COME OUT STEW
I'm not giving you my jokes, Carlos Mencia!
>>70299452
The wage gap is real and a serious problem.
>>70314751
(continued)
...And that was an educational trip. I learned a lot about America. For example, you know those motor scooters you see Americans riding sometimes? They're not toys! Apparently you have to qualify for those by eating so many burgers that you cripple yourself.
I could never qualify for one of those things. I'm too good at walking. You know when you're walking down the street and some guy overtakes you, speed walking like they're in a hurry but just can't bring themselves to run because it would draw too much attention? That's me.
You know when you get to the shops and there's that track of mud and shit leading into the shop? That's because you took up the entire pavement and made me walk around you into the gutter you slow-moving, pavement-hogging assholes!
"Comedy, am I right!?" Pause for laughter. "Time for some racial stereotypes, or rather racial stereo types I don't quite understand. " slight pause for dramatic effect as I gaze out into the crowd building repor " they say black people enjoy the taste of fried chicken, but WHO DA FUCK doesn't like doesn't like fried chicken? I mean COME ON PEOPLE! That is, unless, your some of vegan faggot, odds are you get down on fried chicken. Am I right?"
>>70301273
made me laugh, good job
You guys remember when WW2 was decided in a game of rock, paper, scissors?
Hitler declared paper, right? All the Nazis backed him up on that. But they made one fatal mistake - they didn't wait for the three count. You gotta wait for that three count or your opponent can see what you're going with and choose the one that beats your thing.
So after a few years and much deliberation with his advisors, Churchill came out with scissors. Game over.
Kind of weird that 20 years later, the black power movement declared stone. Are they trying to lose to Hitler?
Maybe they think nothing beats rock. They'd have a point. Why DOES paper beat rock? Scissors cut paper, there's a logical victor in that scenario, sure. Rock smashes scissors. Undeniable. Paper... Covers rock? So what? You think rocks give a shit about being covered? Rocks aren't afraid of the dark. They're not claustrophobic. All you've done is prepare the rock to be presented as a gift. That's a tie at best.
All I can think of are things Mitch Hedberg would have said and then I become sad that he isn't alive.
He was too ahead of his time.
>>70315712
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
>>70299485
Sounds like something that would happen in Albuquerque.
>>70304134
10/10 would steal
>>70315712
People always talk about surfing the internet. I try to stay away from any net when surfing.
Hey guys how's it going? Awesome, I am also "whoo"
Alright...but seriously, has anyone ever noticed that niggers are sub humans incapable of functioning in civilized society? And now they want us to pretend that their lives matter? What do they think, if they howl loud enough nobody will realize a genocide is necessary to preserve all the hard work that actual people have done?!?
>>70299480
That's not a joke.
>>70309784
You ever meet someone on /tv/ who wasn't?
>"Is everyone alright?"
>some people in the audience mumbling "yeeaah"
>"No, you are all left"
>"..."
>[crickets]
>>70299452
"we are out!"
cringeworthy standup of seinfeld ep1 wtf
I JUST FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK AND BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED.
>>70321548
boooo
STANK UP STANK UP get your stank up ALRIGHT on your FEET
Landlord here telling you to pay the rent. Dont' kill me!
Heard about the race? I'm not. Look, it's either gonna be the dog or the doghouse far as I concern.
Don't don't dont DONT DONT DONT. SHIT
Guys there's a joke at the end of my act about how bad it's going... That joke doesn't work if my act has been going well. So please, from now on, no laughing.
I will assume that you would all be laughing at my jokes had I not made this request.
Very well, let us begin...
>>70300520
Pretty much the only one that's pretty decent.
>>70299452
My Mother in Law, talk about fat...she's ideal for cooking with!
Blurb: 4 young SS Officers arrive in Auschwitz but have no clue what to do
Hilarity ensues!!
So I was watching this show last night... Game of Thrones? Ya it's pretty obscure. Most people wouldn't know about it, partially why I watch it. Anyway, so there's this midget in the show, right? A little guy. Tiny fella. And he whips out the BIGGEST dick I've ever seen! And I'm pretty sure this thing was real. Now... I'm no expert on midget cocks, don't start thinking I'm the star player for the other team. But looking at my own One Eyed Giant and comparing it to Goliath on the screen there, well, the only actual differences were width, length, and the fact that my dick didn't touch my chin when I stood up straight.
So anyway, back to the show... this midget has this HUGE dick and he gets ready to fuck some broad so I'm like, alright Zach, wipe away the envy tears and get out the OTHER box of Kleenex. So I do, and they're getting into it, and so am I.
So I'm waxing my flagpole on the couch. Twenty seconds pass, then another ten, and I've already beaten my record. Ten more pass and I'm done. Oh well, baby steps, right? And then my girlfriend comes in. Well I wasn't really expecting her until the morning--this was in the evening. But I'm like, okay, well, that's cool, maybe her seeing my junk out will get her in the mood. But she turns on the light and she's looking all serious--fellas, when you're woman has "the look" and you're hard--well, you're not hard anymore. And the scene's still playing on the TV, and she's looking at it. And her mouth drops.
"Where'd you find that?" she asks, sounding mortified. Mortified! And I ask her, "what do you mean babe? This show? It's on TV every Sunday night." But she covers her mouth with her hand--that "thing" women do--and I know something's wrong. I look back to the screen, and, well, to cut a long story short, I wasn't watching Game of Thrones after all. I downloaded the wrong file. There's a big title on the screen saying "Game of Dongs", and the face of the chick that just got facialed by the midget was my girlfriend's.
Hello everyone. I have some bad news to share with you. I'm actually not a comedian. I've barred all the doors and exits. Under my coat I'm wearing a bomb. If you any of you laugh I'm gonna blow this whole fucking place.
>>70301273
genuinely laughed twice, not bad
>>70299452
>BLACK PEOPLE DO THIS
>WHITE PEOPLE DO THAT
*sighs heavily into the mic
"donald trump"
>>70301273
crashed and burned with the wife's son bit at the end
WHO'S MICROPHONE IS THIS?
YOUR MICROPHONE?
YO FUCK YOUR MIC, BITCH
*mic drop*
what if ET and Mr.T had a child?
I'm betting it would sound a little like this: 'I pity the fool who doesn't .. phoooooone hooooooome'
>>70326538
I'd hate to be Mr T right now!
Im a virgin, but I'm saving my virginity. Im saving it for that special person who actually wants to have sex with me, literally anyone
I always thought it was weird that when you hit middle age and above, your friends will offer you coffee when you go to their house. I'm sure in their mind they're saying "listen I know I'm boring as hell and you don't want to be here so I need you to drink this so you don't fall asleep while I tell you about how I hit a raccoon picking my nephew up from soccer practice"
*does the jim halpert face to hte audience*
>>70299452
D R O P P E D
OK so there's like this dude right? And this dude goes around smashing ass, I mean we're talking about King Caesar, the Almighty Himself, of ass pounding, so he meets this big ass hoe alright? And like this hoe ain't taking no no nickels, no cawabanga, and her pumpernicker goes on for days you know what I mean?
Alright /tv/ give me some feedback and I'll keep going
>>70330570
some feedback
>>70330570
OP gave you 60 seconds. You took almost 19 HOURS. How is that fair on those of us who replied promptly? Frankly I think you owe us all an apology.
>>70301273
Norm tier
That was great m8
>>70301273
Not bad.
How much does a broomstick cost at Hogwarts?
They're a quid each.
>>70334884
*clears throat*
A quid... Quid each.
>>70299452
OP, you think I'm going to give my material away to you?
>o, I am laffin.jpg
>post yfw you see paul rudd repeat this entire thread on stage and win a stand up award
>>70301273
THE AUSSIES STRIKE AGAIN
