This guy slaps your girlfriends ass and starts talking about Budha. What do you do?
>>69169389
Snatch every motherfucker birthday
>>69169389
Do his Punani Lupo
give her up
no punani is worth having your motherfucker birthday snatched over
>>69169389
I show him how to hold a guitar.
Is this guy just trolling? Is it like a perpetual role? I mean he must be doing it for money or some profit
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxloUBCYuFM
>>69169389
give him a stern look and repeatedly sayEAZY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cUNU8GkMso
THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN
He is such a nice guy tho
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VZvcZg2_wk
>>69169509EASY
>>69169389
tell him where richie is
>>69169389
Punch him in his fat guy, say he's a shit actor in shit movies.
I would then proceed to skin him alive as my gf pins him to the ground.
After flaying him, I would proceed to have sex with my gf on top of segals skin, using his blood as a lubricant.
Upon my orgasm, I will cum within his fat skin flaps, and bundle his skin into a kilt.
Upon obtaining his body, I would then proceed to sell both his kidneys and gain some cash, as well as donate a few of his organs and blood to various charities and research labs.
Well, im sorry he did that....
>>69169640
Dude, you can't just punch a man in his fat guy.
EASY
A
S
Y
>>69169533
To be fair sound fun as fuck to live in his head. Didn't the Lama make him a god or something? Theres no going back from there
snatch her punani and zen out of there
>>69169640
Will you take him to the blood bank?
>>69169389
Knock his cane out and shave his goatee and cut his hair.
>>69169640
Who are you, are you the cook?
>>69169552
>use the mysterious dragon nature to stop being an alcoholic
>>69169389
I do a Van Damme imitation and watch him soil his pants.
>>69169733
you mean you will act poorly and not even be a martial artist?
>>69169389
Say: Ay! Ohhh! Yo tough guy, you got a fuckin problem!
>roll up my flannel shirt
Me: Now you gonna get it sucka, it's my birthday and I'm gonna take your greazy head as a present
>wind up and throw the meanest punch he's ever seen
>>69169783
>Steven grabs your fist and aikido flips you through a plate glass window. And then punches you in the cock.
Get my modified credit card out, I could one million percent kill a man with it
>>69169733
Did JCVD learn a kick 40, 30, 35 years ago and then perfected it since then? I didn't hink so.
I tell him EASY
>I'm kind of a zen guy. I move forward without looking back.
what did he mean by this?
>>69169827
>one million percent
Seriously, that one made me think it was some intern paid to post as Seagal him on reddit for publicity.
Ask him why Richie did Bobby Lupo?
>>69169864
>what did he mean by this?
Probably doesn't think about the consequences of his actions.
>>69169719
I'll donate his blood to the blood bank.
>>69169729
I'll cook his flesh via barbecue.
>>69169809
>call my boys Paulie and China-Mike to handle his ass
>For some reason, this is the point where Hopper decides to change into a robe and row a boat out to a Buddhist temple to get the blessing of a master. And it just so happens that his old partner Sunti is at this same temple, where he has been a monk for ten years, ever since he accidentally shot that innocent lady. As long as he’s in the neighborhood, Hopper tells Sunti about the kidnapping, but doesn’t ask him to help. “I’m very, very proud of you,” Hopper says. “You stay a full monk for 10 years? Really, really wonderful.”
>So of course as soon as Hopper leaves Sunti tells the master he’s turning his back on the temple to go down a path of violence. When he shows up in civilian clothes at Hopper’s hotel, Hopper doesn’t seem surprised at all, but he “tries” to talk him into going back to his life as a monk. That ain’t gonna happen.
>General Jantapan does put up a fight. In fact, he (or somebody working with him) actually steals a t-shirt from Hopper’s luggage so that he can present it to the aforementioned evil sorcerer guy in some sort of mystical ceremony in a temple full of tarantulas, scorpions and demon statues. The sorcerer uses the shirt (which we never saw Hopper wear, but I guess he packed for non-robe wearing situations) to make a voodoo doll that he keeps in a box of worms and sticks pins in during the fight. It’s good to see a villain really going out of his way to prepare for a fight in advance. Good work General Jantapan, even though you’re an asshole who consorts with demonic scorpion lovers.
>Hopper does his homework too though, and goes to Sunti’s former Buddhist master to get a magic protective medallion to wear during the fight. I never heard of magic necklaces in Buddhism but I guess a lama like Seagal would know better than I would. He gets to wear it because “Everything you are doing is for love.”
>>69169912
>China-Mike
Is that Sticks' cousin? The one from Attica?
>>69169935
>The climactic showdown with General Jantapan (after Hopper and Sunti have found the girls) is a real showstopper. My favorite part is when the general stands directly across the room from Hopper shooting arrows at him. That’s not a situation you want to get in, but Hopper knows what to do. Out For a Kill had a Matrixy CGI bullet effect that was kind of embarrassing, but this one I have to say is pretty god damn awesome. Hopper takes aim and shoots an arrow with his gun, breaking it in half and knocking it off its trajectory so it won’t hit him. Another arrow comes at him and we see it reflected in his eye before he spins around, grabs a sword and uses it to bisect the arrow in mid-air. Fuck arrows.
>As they continue the fight, we go to the evil temple where the bearded guy sticks pins in the voodoo doll, causing some serious pain for Hopper. But then the voodoo doll bursts into flames. An Evil Dead type camera flies from the evil temple to the Buddhist temple to show us that all the monks are praying like crazy, giving Hopper the Mystical Buddhist Ass Kicking Powers he needs to defeat the general. [...]
This 300 pound akido trained beast walks into the club and tells your gf that he is going to snatch her motherfucker punani.
What do you do?
>>69169958
>And I think there’s a little bit more to the movie than you’ll notice at first, a little bit of symbolism boiling beneath the surface. Although Jake Hopper is a former CIA agent (and does freelance work), he does not trust military and intelligence agencies to save his daughter when she’s kidnapped. Instead he turns to what many Seagal characters would call “the spirit world,” asking for the blessing of a Buddhist master before he embarks. Before the final battle he goes to the master again and is given a magical medallion; the whole temple prays for him while he fights and that’s what defeats the evil voodoo mojo that threatens to kill him. But ultimately, the guys he’s fighting against are corrupt military and police officials, and their opposing philosophies are illustrated by the objects they destroy during the battle. The police fire machine guns into a shelf full of books and Buddha heads, representing their opposition to or at least their ignorance of wisdom and spirituality. For his part, Hopper throws a spear that impales a portrait of a general, showing his lack of respect for man-made authority. He also destroys what looks like a trophy case, a symbol of materialist achievements.
>>69169977
Tell her to run at a moderate speed.
>>69169935
Best script I have ever read
>>69169982
>One motif that doesn’t quite pan out, but ought to, is the fruits and vegetables motif. We learn from the Post-it notes in the refrigerator that Jessica is looking out for her dad’s health, demanding “NO RED MEAT! (I’M SERIOUS!!!!).” Later, Hopper gets into a brawl in a Bangkok vegetable market. His opponents use knives and cleavers stolen from the produce stands, but Hopper just uses his hands, throwing the thugs into piles of vegetables. Meanwhile, the mysterious evil shaman (in his only appearance until the very end of the movie) looks on from the meat department, with poultry hanging all around him.
>The kicker is when the last henchman standing tries to run away. He steps on a tomato that pops and causes him to trip and slide across a long table of fish and smash his face into a meat cleaver. The power of produce turns this guy into meat. Hopper’s connection to fruits and vegetables is later reaffirmed when General Jantapan destroys an apple using the same bow and arrow he will later use against Hopper.
P U R E K I N O
U
R
E
K
I
N
O
>>69169912
>Seagal bends Paulie's fingers and front kicks him through another window.
>Seagal grabs China-Mike's arm and snaps the elbow 90 degrees in the wrong direction and then strangles him until he dies.
tell him i'm some kinda special forces guy
>>69169982
pure pottery
>>69169977
Tell him I trained under Gene Lebell.
>>69170052
Gene? I don't like him, but my wife loves him!
>>69169479
What the fuck is this? That's hilarious.
>>69169479
>>69170103
I was thinking the same thing, he nails that joke.
If he could emote he'd be laughing himself even.
>>69169389
What kind of axe is that?
>>69169389
Tell him why Richie did Bobby Lupo
>>69169479
>>69170103
>>69170154
It's just a random Zen koan, but the way he tells it makes it hilarious.
>>69169640
>not knowing blood is a terrible lubricant
You'll have your birthday snatched in short order.
How can one man try to be so based?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TB1RvU8UR38
>>69170216
Each to their own lad. I like it for the smell.
>>69170195
>Zen koan
that can't be a real story, no way.
Looks like he got held up in some Chinese restaurant and whipped out something random that he thought sounded profound.
>>69170230
>Steven Seagal vs The Pest
Truly the kinest of kino.
>>69170306
>Master, what is the buddanaychurr?
>>69170336
Bu dja
>>69169552
some people in the comments actually think he is being nice
do you think he goes around giving homeless people money in his free time you dinguses
>>69170306
I don't think it's actually part of any koan canon. It's not in the Mumonkan at least. There are a number of stories similar in their set-up and execution however, most koans aren't profound at all but are simply supposed to shock the reader into realizing something, generally about non-dualistic perception.
Perhaps it was a distilled koan he heard from someone at some point in Japan, and passed it on as an old zen story.
me want the kitty
>>69169479
>2 asian monks walking a bridge *burps*
yeah, hes in some restoran
>>69170433
>restoran
Where you from finoque?
>>69169479
I don't understand... what's the point of that story?
>>69170403
Well it WAS the guys birthday after all. Something tells me that if it weren't his birthdays, Steven would be just a big guy with a badge and a gun
Sorry for the reddort, but the Seagal AMA /tV/ linked to yesterday had some potential. Although Seagal was btfo after answering not even a dozen questions.
>HUMILITY
>>69170559
God acts in mysterious ways.
>>69169552
He sure snatched that guy's mother fucker birthday.
for real though is there a man alive that can defeat steven? as soon as he attacked steven would just grip him with his pinky and twirl around breaking every bone in his body and break a bottle over his head
What does it say about Seagal that even Reddit tore the shit out of him?
>>69170703
well it might be difficult defeat the master in hand to hand combat. Perhaps someone can destroy him on the dance floor?
Just let him
Join an all black band as a 5 year old
>>69170753
I think you may have finally uncovered the reason he ran away from Van Damme.
>tfw Seagal will never play a kindergarten game with at a bar, beat the shit out of you for losing and then ask
>"What does it take to change the essence of a man?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bq_xnvScrHo
>>69169389
> Tell him 9mm>.45
> Watch him huff and puff like that guy in Big Trouble in Little China
>>69170611
>Buddhism
>God
American education pls
>>69169552
snatch your birthday and stop being an alcoholic, brother man
>>69170753
You be the judge
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azXmzUSg0Ak
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uLTypmSvsA
>>69170890
He never said Buddhism has a god, but then again steven considers himself a god so there ya go
>>69170910
a god =! God tho
>>69170809
this scene isn't even that bad. i am sure he would have been with the ranks of maybe bruce willis or a little lower if he wouldn't have gone for that selfproduced garbage and if he would have stayed in shape
>>69170942
He claimed to be that too, apparently
>>69170942
You a tough guy?
>>69170183
>>69169567
>>69169422
Tell him i AM Bobby Lupo.
>>69170973
Ey, come on, i'm just breaking your balls a little.
Ejjj whos hot dog is this?
>>69171007
But you insulted the guy
>>69170332
Steven got scammed simply because he can so he snatched his motherfucker birthday.
>>69170965
He actually just equated all perceptions of God to a vague "divine", then equated this to Buddha Nature, and then said that since all beings have Buddha Nature they're all God. Or gods. I'm not sure.
>>69170973
You wanna get kicked out of the same window 12 times?
>>69169552
That hobo did not know who Steven was
uproxx.com/movies/steven-seagal-reddit-ama/
>>69169389
Probably get thrown through a randomly placed coffee table and get a finger broken for information if statistics are on my side.
>>69170962
>this scene isn't even that bad
I mean for fuck sake anon...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFWKhDM_j_8
>orange sunglasses at night
>s-steven let me drive just tell me where the holes are
>50 people for one docile nigger
>270 calibre is a fast round
>out of breath from running 10 feet from his car
>>69170540
It's a koan. It's not supposed to make narrative sense, because the idea is that you ponder on nonsensical nature of them to bring about a sudden flash of insight when you realise what it ACTUALLY means.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C5%8Dan#Examples_of_traditional_k.C5.8Dans
>>69170962
would you and your date stand there and cheer while some guy pukes?
did you even had to suspend your disbelief?
>>69169389
Telk him that Van damme can kick his ass
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1In78YppuA
>>69171211
>this b-rate show has more budget and quality than his actual movies
>>69169896
>Not getting the bloodbank reference
Je had maar 1 baan!
>>69169389
>shittalk so fucking much about bhuddism, gun control, his movies and his weight in order to enrage him
>at the same time remind him how un bhuddistic it would be if he got enraged by mere words
>>69171570
>thinking he would show any emotion while braking your thumb
how naive can you get
>>69171020
Maybe a little.
Come on, i got out today, i'm havin' a party with my friends here and he can't handle a little ball breaking?
>>69171216
tnx for that m8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg_oKnEmd1w
God I don't get it. Was he born in to money or what? Who put him in front of a camera?
He has another new movie trailer out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrVR3lUPzCQ
>>69171940
WTF is this the 2nd movie in the "Fat Operator" trillogy?
This time its a blatant ripoff of The Punisher
>>69171940
I feel like he wouldn't look so fat if he breathed with his mouth closed.
>>69169389
I would fight with the guy, in a Oberyn way: far from his reach and telling that now he is budish and got fat he look like Buda retarded son.
>>69169389
I slap her ass harder and look to him. If he slaps it again, I'm slapping it even harder. If he wants to start some kind of thing of who can slap my gfs ass harder, I'm slapping it the hardest and will even beat the fuck out it and rape her right there just to prove a point to this guy.
>>69171211
>>69171357
what did Joel Edgerton mean by this?
>>69169552
SNATCHED
>>69169389
gonna have to snatch every motherfucker birthday
