What's next?
>>67272005
Do you happen to have autism or schizophrenia or some other mental troubles?
>>67272154
and for your info. I have autism/aspergers.
Use your own language. People talk like a rehashed American TV series.
>>67272303
I agree that is what's happening, after I finish the whole thing, I plan to go back change all the dialogue and tweak the plot also.
Can't wait to read the next chapter. Good job op. Also good luck with your autism. What is your 'autistic' thing? For most it's trains.
>>67272362
well it's movies of course!
>>67272334
>after I finish the whole thing, I plan to go back change all the dialogue and tweak the plot also
That sounds like a recipe for disaster. Better think about it now. And write in Norwegian or whatever your native language is.
>>67272436
English is native. My friend is a producer, he wants to see draft of it, he'll probably change a lot of it anyways.
>>67272414
What are some movies and directors you like?
>>67272493
I like Nolan a lot, plus Tarantino and Fincher or course. I'm messed up lol.
>>67272493
I watched a lot of james cameron... now tarantino, scorcese, ridley scott and kubrick.
>>67272334
>>67272334
what this guy said >>67272436 also write your plot outline first before even writing one page of screenplay. You need to have the plot worked out, otherwise you're just wasting time and effort in writing scenes which may end up not going anywhere.
>>67272580
the outline is here:
>>67272604
Tom is an American Superintendent at a Maximum Security Prison in Dallas, Texas.
He takes a trip to Norway. Why? They are extraditing a criminal from the US to Norway. The criminal murder(ed) a Norwegian politician.
He is asked to go along to make sure things 'get done right'.
He sees for the first time how different the prison is there. Lack of guards, etc. Nothing is that locked up etc. Relative comfort.
He's worried that the prisoner will escape or harm someone. They assure him this is how they do things in Norway and it is actually safer/better for society.
Tom is not convinced.
After a year they release the prisoner. He is assumed to be re-rehabilitated. Audience is not convinced. Tom finds out about the release from a news article or media post.
He decides to go back to investigate. And see if he really is re-rehabilitated or still a threat.
He meets the Super there, who confirms he was released. Tom asks where he is now. The prisoner has been working at a restaurant for a month.
Tom goes to meet him. His English is not great. Audience believes Tom is crazy/stupid to go find him.
Audience fears for Tom, as they too suspect the Ex-con is still capable of murder. Later the Con helps/saves Tom's life from a potential mugging.
Eventually Tom sees the benefits of the Norway prison system. He plans to implement something similar in America. Faces resistance from public his superiors etc.
They say it won't work in America. He argues it will work anywhere. People are People.
Racism etc. biases from Americans. They are white they can be fixed. [Blacks and Hispanics are unreasonable/inferior they cannot be fixed.].
Lots of hate for Tom, trying to do what is good for society. Death threats etc.
Almost no supporters.
>>67272703
Almost no supporters.
An attempt is taken with a lot of risk on a few select individuals showing potential for rehab. Some are murderers and rapists.
Tom heads this initiative. Gets to know them as people. Audience is a bit creeped out at first. Starts to see their humanity and what Norway got right.
Later he wants to set one Hispanic boy (ex gang member) free. Fights the courts, finds a lawyer willing to help etc. to make it possible.
Youth has shown remorse and understands what he did: 'Gang initiation murder.'
He is granted reduced sentence after 2 appeals. And is killed by his own Gang after a confrontation. He looks like he might shoot or try to defend himself, instead 'decides' not to.
Tom is heart broken.
Movie shows benefits of Norway-Rehab program and does not definitively prove this works, as the youth was killed too early to find out.
The End.
Just write in Norwegian and forget about all the American movies and series you have watched. You might think you know a lot of the states but you just don't and your screenplay will end being derivative.
>>67272775
There is some format that all movies follow though.
>>67272716
>>67272703
Structure is a bit off. Basically everything until Tom comes back and tries to make his prison different is all first act. That's one hell of a first act. And the third act is also kind of lacking, since there's not much of a crisis/climax.
Here's one thing that comes to mind:
Tom could already be trying to somehow make his prison different. This also will get us interested in him (this is the "save the cat" concept: have your main character do something noble, like saving a cat, to get us to like him, even if he's a cynical asshole. if he's a guy who wants to make a prison that isn't as shitty as your average us prison that'll make him likeable).
He then has all the trouble with people thinking it can't be done, yadda yadda yadda, and when he's at the lowest point and seems beat is when he gets the call and has to go to Norway, and then he sees how different the prison is, and that gets him back up on his feet and gives him to try again and use his new knowledge to go against the people who opposed him in his endeavours in the first place. thusly you'd have the "saved from a mugging"-moment at the point where you need it to be the crisis at the end of the 2nd act.
>>67272807
Not the guy you're responding to, but format or structure isn't the same as knowing what you're talking about. You should always write about things you're familiar with. If you only know the US from movies and tv you can hardly write something that's set in the US, since it'll be awkward and as that other anon said derivative, since you'll be basing your writing on other writing.
Also, and this is just my opinion, if you're starting out and really want to get your script produced eventually you should write something that'll be easy and cheap to produce. It's hard to get someone to trust you a big budget if you're a nobody. And this plot outline sounds quite expensive to produce.
If you're just writing for the fun of it disregard this I suck cocks.
>>67272881
Perfect! Thanks!
>>67272958
So the producer and director are attached already. Funding is taken care, I need to create a first draft, and ideally a second. The rest is up to editors etc.
>>67273072
*script-editors
>>67273072
woah nice. how'd you do that?
>>67273103
I spent 11 years in Los Angeles. I guess that helped.
as soon as he left the restaurant
car drives by
a mysterious man: get in
tom: who are you?
mysterious man: the guy who saved your life, now get in!
tom: saved my life? are you autistic?
explosion starting in the restaurant, tom jumps in the car
>>67273145
How much budget did you manage to scrape together if I may ask?
>>67273176
I like it. Poor Dave... though!
tom: what's wrong? what is happening?
mysterious man: do you want to live big guy?
tom: i don't know. do i?
mysterious man: clever. very clever.
the car drives itself into a wall.
>>67273177
I don't have those numbers...enough I hope!
>>67273177
also it would depend on the final draft too.
>>67273236
toms last words: was driving the car into a wall part of the plan?
>>67273285
kek
so how does tom get his superpowers?
This is fucking terrible as are most other scripts. Don't act like you don't know it's bad. Go back and fix absolutely everything until you can't find any more flaws, then go show people so they can point out the flaws you were unable to see.
OP, it's not great but you already know that. Kudos for trying to get it down anyway, I could never write a script because I know I would get hung up on every single line of dialogue and I'd never get anywhere. If I had any advice it would be to make sure every interaction between characters is naturalistic, you seem to lean a little bit too close to "hollywood" writing, which usually only happens after the second or third studio rewrite.
>>67273376
Either way there are flaws so....
here's some reading on story structure
http://othernetwork.com/2014/03/01/the-story-structure-countdown-how-different-experts-say-you-should-structure-a-story/
>>67273376
kinda second minus the attitude. I'm impressed that one can get producers and directors attached without even a decent plot outline...
>>67273423
I think what you said is true. We get hung up on every word. So ya just blast through it and then work with it.
>>67273495
helps to have 'friends'
does this apply to all art?
>>67273555
it applies to all crafts. Screenwriting, and filmmaking in general, is a craft. It's hard to define what's "art" and what isn't. But it's very clear what is a craft. Filmmaking, and screenwriting being part of that, is a craft.
>>67273555
As far as screenwriting, there's needs to be some kind of semblance of structure. Even if it's the barebones understanding of the 3 act structure. Beginning, middle and end.
next bit...getting a bit too political.
>>67273711
Not sure you have to explain what fracking is tbqhwyfamily
>>67273711
>exposition: the scene
it's not bad, but it's kinda meh. maybe because there's little context. what happens next?
>>67273759
sounds like fucking...
>>67273711
is your character supposed to be an ignoramus? Why would he not know what fracking is? That's some Hideo Kojima levels of exposition.
>>67273759
actually it literally is fucking from battle star galactica.
>>67273794
kek! he is a right wing ignoramus visitng an extreme left country.
>>67273711
*assassination pg12
>>67273711
i would recommend putting some action between the restaurant scene and the prison scene
you can't just go from dialog to dialog, something had to happen on the way to the prison to keep it interesing
otherwise it's just: explaining the movie
>>67273555
This 'script' is at stage_1 of the sculpture.
>>67273959
yup makes sense.
>>67272958
>If you only know the US from movies and tv you can hardly write something that's set in the US, since it'll be awkward
I don't agree with this. Whilst OP (or anyone) definitely needs to research beforehand to make sure not only the facts but the tone of the setting are authentic, it's perfectly acceptable to write about something you don't really "know" aka haven't lived in.
>>67274070
I mean all I do know is that the US justice system is one of the worst, and makes hardened criminals even more hardened.
>>67274070
You do have a point, but in that case you usually write according to prototypes and conventions (like when you write fantasy, no way to truly know a fantasy world since it doesn't exist). In that case you don't write a true US, but a protoype US. But you're right, that's a totally valid option if done right.
>>67274169
yup.
>>67273711
There is a lot of word repetition here, eg "maybe" "well" and it doesn't flow like a conversation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it feels like at least one of these characters hasn't been fleshed out. Something I've found that helps to get good dialogue is to write up a profile on a character to understand their motivations and social ticks, to make them feel more human and thus interact with others on a more unique level.
some research:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01mTKDaKa6Q
>>67274200
all gone by final draft.
>>67273711
You're dialogue is awful
>>67274399
yes we know.
a lil break:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ci-mXXQqeE4
Ok Thanks y'all. Stay tuned for next bits.
>>67272881
save cat
wtf is this shit?
>>67274882
Something to show Tom has redeeming qualities?
Be honest, you're just writing a script and want real time feedback. It's not set up anywhere.
>>67274927
no what the fuck is this entire shit
>>67274836
oh wow that's actually really good, it really makes me understand Tom and feel for him. Kudos.
>>67274939
>>67275203
Feels bit false. Hmm.
>>67274939
Yes n No
>>67274939
nothing wrong with that. Not like there's many other people posting their writings
>>67275298
I mean really does help even the negative bits.>>67275298
>>67275419
>>67275298
I'd post stuff but I don't write in english so there's not much of a point.
>>67275645
But you did just now..
>>67275925
I mean I don't write my screenplays in english.
>>67275974
oh so what language is it in?
>dat grammar
>dat structure
>dat everything
Also, you shouldn't just wing it like this: >>67272703 You should have a more structured outline, probably a beat sheet as well.
It's not good form, and you end up making shit up as you go along, which should be avoided at all costs.
>>67276210
i agree form matters. Also I feel the more I make up as I go along, the less predictable my writing is, in some cases.
It's a long road to the oscars...
all comments are welcome with:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoGWe9l-OG8
>>67276187
spanish. I live in Spain. btw if you were here yesterday, I'm the guy who posted the screencaps for that short film.
>>67276732
wat
>>67276775
oh. here ya go.
>>67276822
cool!
