>"So, the movie requires an actor that is the precise equivalent of a plain cheese pizza, or vanilla ice cream. My aim is to put the audience to deep sleep via this extremely unremarkable actor. But who should we get? My usual guy, Sam Worthington, got evicted from his Hollywood home for not paying the rent years ago."
>"Say no more, sir. He's already on his way to the set."
>"Our film needs an actor that's so lacking in knowledge of his craft, that he thinks yelling, failing miserably in changing accents and jumping around like a gorilla is fine acting. It'd be also cool if the actor happened to be on suicide watch because of unwarranted, unanswered desires for a reward for his abysmal acting."
>"You can sleep easy, sir. I happen to know the perfect actor for your needs."
oh golly it's this thread again
>''I really want to get Tom Hardy for my movie, but I don't have enough money to hire him. I'm in quite the pickle here.''
>''I got you fa͏m.''
>>63831775
>>63831814
>"More people need to enable subtitles. Find me someone with the whiniest, squeakiest voice and make him speak barely above a whisper."
>"Got you covered sir."
>"I need an actor who is complete shit and who will fuck my wife while I watch and masturbate. He needs to be comfortable with wearing a ton of makeup, but he can't have any range. You probably know who I'm talking about though."
>"Yes, Mr. Burton. Say no more."
>"Well, this film I'm trying to make requires an ancient overacting faggot that is hellbent on obliterating what little is left of his reputation and career. It'd be swell if the last relevant movie he made was about 30 years ago."
>"Oh, I've got just the guy on my mind, sir."
>>63831775
>>63831814
This is how it should be done
>"Fuck, man! I'm trying to get my remake of Gorillas in the Mist rolling, but so far, I've only got the mist."
>"Your worries are over, my man. She's also interested in a potential King Kong reboot."
>>63831882
>I have a dubiously retarded character and I need an actor who thinks he can do exotic accents but just ends up sounding autistic
>Say no more, directorfam
>"We need an Asian actress, but I guess she could be half-Asian. Also, I haven't fucked a girl in the ass in a while."
>"I think I have the perfect solution."
>''Hey man, we're making this low-budget schlock movie to launder the mob's money. The script is so fucking bad even Gary Busey wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole, and that guy's brain is broken!''
>''Forget about all your troubles, sir, for I have the perfect man for the job.''
>"Hey, we need a long-term out of work actor that is literally starving to death."
>"I've got just the g---ah nah wait, after the role of a lifetime, he's busy."
>>63832257
Okay I laughed my ass off.
>>63832257
hahaha
Wonder how his career would have panned if he didn't mess up his face
>>63832219
You got the right hole...
>>63832219
>GIS this picture
>"Best guess for this image: oscar isaac apocalypse x men"
Is there ANY role this glorious motherfucker can't play?
>>63831775
>>63832257
These are based you fucking faggots
>Writer: "I've got a screenplay with a star attached to it that's been bothersome to me, I'd want nothing more than the star to fucking die."
>Producer: "I know a director that specializes in just the thing. Let me get him on the phone right now."
>I need someone who reeks of desperation and misery, someone who once showed promise but has now fallen into a personal abyss of utter hopelessness and despair, someone whose life is fucked up beyond repair. Someone who is patheticness personified.
>Sir, you may rest easy, I'm writing him a letter as we speak (he's too poor to afford a phone, you see).
>"Hey man, I need a young man for my movie, but I literally have zero dollars, and therefore would need to pay the guy with my dinner leftovers."
>"Sir, there is a perfect person for the job. Food is the only currency he takes now, money is a concept entirely unknown and forgotten to him at this point."
>>63833287
>>63833416
>missing the point of the thread so much
Jesus reddit
>>63833475
fuck you, they're funny as shit
>>63831814
GOLD
>>63832219
VERY GOOD
>>63831971
GOOD
>>63831940
OK
this has potential to become a meme
>we desperately need an actor who will make no attempt at all to play the character or even act at all and will simply play himself in every role
>It would be ideal if he was an egotistical smug douchebag as well
>don't you worry sir, I know just the man
>"My film needs a mediocre actress that is not believable in any aspect. And I haven't got a footjob in a while and I wanna cheat on my bitch of a wife."
>"I know just the person, sir."
>I need-
>I've got someone.
>You didn't let me finish. He needs to be able to-
>Trust me.
>>63834617
more like
>We need an actor that hates niggers with all his strength.
>I know exactly the right guy for the job.
>>63832216
>who thinks he can do exotic accents
nailed it
>>63834682
Fuck off, it's perfect.
>"..."
>"..."
>We-
>-EED LMAO, IM THERE
>We blew all our budget on coke and there's no way this movie will ever be good
>We need someone who can budget in both extra coke and vacation time, whilst putting out some sort of combination of images and sound that people might be able to call a movie
>Relax, I already called him. Care for another line?
I liked Jai as the fuzz head lead enforcer of the bad guys in Jack Reacher. He wasn't supposed to anything special, just a good thug for Cruise to fight in a neat little show down.
>"Everyone and everything is so tense on this set. We need an actor that's beaming with positive vibes."
>"Consider it taken care of."
Great thread. All the Star Wars shit has delivered this sleeper hit!!!!!
Come on, guys, keep em coming.
>We need actors who despise women who lead them on and fuck tons of men.
>Ive got some guys in mind.
this exact thread has been made before with the same posts
>George and Brad both said no.
>Alright I'll call him.
>>63835438
Where do you think you are
>"We couldn't get his brother"
>>63835510
Add Tom Cruise and it's pretty accurate.
>>63835682
forgot your pic, you dumb piece of shit
>"I need someone young, with a fresh perspective that will make this movie resonate with the kids. Someone everyone knows a little bit, but not too much. The newest hot shot."
>"I've got just what you're looking for."
![120116_LATIMES_LUCY-Liu164[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/zYZGSZ0.jpg "120116_LATIMES_LUCY-Liu164[1].jpg")
>"We need some popular asian cutie for our action flick"
>"Say no more."
>"We need a rotting corpse but we spent all our special effects money on child prostitutes."
>"Say no more. Let me get the shovel, sir."
>>63833416
>but I literally have zero dollars
my fucking sides
>>63835752
This is stupid and unfunny.
>>63832129
kekkkkkk
>>63835058
>>63835406
is this a riddle?
>>63836895
If you want it to be.;)
>>63834820
>this guy never won an Oscar
And people whine about DiCaprio
>"This script is far too coherent! I need someone who can really butcher the dialogue by delivering all of his lines in a monotone, barely audible mumble."
>"Hand me the phone."
>>63831814
>>63831940
>>63831971
>>63832031
>>63832219
>>63832426
triple mega-kek!
>>63834476
>>63835510
>>63835581
All of these are on point
>>63837982
actually made me kek
keep em coming, guys
>>63836310
>>63838174
>>63838333
>'kek'
>>63831882
they brought back senpai?
>"Get me Eva Green on the phone. She'd be perfect for this role."
>"But sir, we're premiering this movie in Chernobyl. How are we going to make the money back?"
>"Hmmm.....I have an idea."
>"The script calls for a beautiful female actress to play the protagonist's love interest. The trouble is, there are so many to choose from!"
>"Don't fret, I know someone who'll be perfect."
bump for moar keks
>We really wanna get some of that clammy nerd money, you know? I was thinking, we should get one of those Doctor Who guys, it's like they're in all of the nerd shit these days.
>That's an excellent idea, sir! Peter Capaldi and Christopher Eccleston both have excellent range and gravitas, and David Tennant's hugely popular, I'm sure that--
>According to this spreadsheet, we can afford to pay the actor about 36 dollars and six grams of cocaine.
>I've got your man.
>>63838408
you just got memed on fa͏m
>>63839308
>>63838723
>We're making a new Jurassic Park movie, and there's a scene in it where a raptor is stalking our hero, but we only see the raptor's feet as it moves. Problem is, we ran out of money and can't afford a raptor feet prop.
>It's your lucky day, sir.
>"OK, we need an actor that's based, a fucking legend, and is into smellz."
>"I know exactly the guy, sir."
>>63839562
made me laugh out loud, good job brah lel
>>63839570
>>We need an actor that's based
based on what?
>>63831775
>vanilla ice cream
You know vanilla is literally one of the most complex tastes possible, right?
"vanilla" means "default" because it's such a popular taste, not because it's bland.
>>63833244
Good one, Max.
>>63834476
It's true. The only part he actually invested himself in was Ulysses Everett McGill, and even then he was just George Clooney if he were raised in the beginning of the 20th century.
>>63839934
There always has to be a faggot like you doing this kind of shit. I bet you're so fun at parties.
>>63834617
Goddamn, it's true.
>>63839308
Best yet.
Dear fuck this is a meme I can get behind.
I need an Australian to play a bland good guy. Who would you recommend, /tv/?
>Fincher: Hey Trent, so I'm making a ne-
>Reznor: On it.
>WAHHHHHHH, WAHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHH WAAAAHHHHHHH *shits self*
>She'll be here in a moment, sir.
>>63840371
>"I'm a tits guy"
>"You called?"
>>63840371
the fuck is that supposed to mean? I think you might be legitimately retarded.
>>63834871
Fucking lol.
>>63840486
spotted the redditor
>"I'm looking for a washed up talentless ape who has no discernible talent of any kind but can net us a legion of braindead fans"
>"Hand me the phone."
>It's a Chief O'Brien meets his aborted twin episode
>Energise
>>63840597
He's literally called the nicest guy in Hollywood. I'd hire him just because he's easy to work with.
>Alright, tell me about this starring role.
>He's black.
>That should make him popular on the internet. What else?
>He's a cop.
>Done, next role.
>>63840371
>she marries this dude
what the fuck man.....
>>63840486
I believe it's a baby wanting milk. She has big milk jugs.
>>63838723
I don't find her particularly attractive but she's a top qt there.
>>63840739
>he buries his face in those tits every night
Or he probably just watches some hired nigger do it.
>"I'm looking for someone to play a 7ft tall super human. This guy needs to look the part, a real massive guy, at least 6ft 4 and 250lbs of solid muscle. What about that Mountain guy from Game of Thrones?"
>"Nah that guy doesn't sound right at all. Give me a sec, I think I've got just the guy."
>>63832838
The Bryan Singer scandal had me more entertained than anything he's directed in a long time. Fun times...
>>63834617
Yeah, it's true. In all fairness, he's a damn good actor with a sense of humor about himself, but hoo boy, he's reaching Nicholas Cage levels of resume length.
>>63841346
>I want someone that radiates authority. Someone serious, dangerous. The kinda guy you could see as a really cold-hearted secret agent, you know the kind?
>Man, we're making movie magic here.
>>63834820
>no zorg
one fucking job
>>63842220
he's there, you unbelievable retard
>>63832426
