If a movie, audience or both are bad. Naturally you will retaliate by punishing the theater.
How do you get back?
Me, I always bring an extra can of crab meat, I pick chunks out with my fingers and scatter toss it across the theater room, and then I jam the can right into the cup holder.
>>63651890
what the fuck is up with you guys and crab in a movie theater ?
Also i leave a mess and wipe my hands all over the seats with cheese.
Spaz out in my seat, screaming REEEEEE while my face turns purple like beetroot.
I spray poop all over the wall and floor if they don't have one of these for me.
>>63651966
Crab is a delicacy.
>>63652106
>Crab is a delicacy.
still doesn't explain why you guys are obsessed with crab at the movie theater. How the fuck do you manage to eat it during a movie ?
>>63651966
>he doesnt know the joy of a large dungeness while heckling the latest capeshit with your falcon
>>63652164
Well.. there is canned crab and crab legs. you bring some scissors to open up the shell and suck up that juicy succulent meat
If the movie is bad it's not the theater's fault. I only retaliate if the theater deserves it.
For instance, one time I went to the theater and a bunch of guys wouldn't shut up so I told the guy that is supposed to take care of these problems. He said he could do nothing so I went back to my seat. Near the end I pulled down my pants, took a shit and left a piece of paper voicing my problems.
>>63652583
bless you.
>>63651890
Give them a bad review on Yelp. That'll teach em.
>put leftover crabmeat in the cinema shower
>they get an infestation of drain flies
I slash the seats using my pocketknife. Sometimes (if the movie is really bad) I'll cut just a small opening on the side of the chair, where it cannot be seen, and shove a couple fish inside. The last time they had to shut down that viewing room for a few days while they tore the place apart looking for the source of the stench.
>>63651890
I just never go. Im sure that's the most ruthless form of punishment. Can't stay in business if no one shows up.
Easiest way to punish a theater is to feed the curtain goblins some turkey neck after midnight.
Whenever I watch a movie with jumpscares and I have popcorn, I overexaggerate my jump and make popcorn go everywhere. Shit's hilarious when I'm with friends. Went to see the Conjuring and spent $5 on a bucket of popcorn and maybe ate like 20 of them. Popcorn was fucking everywhere.
Only do this if your theater is relatively empty though or else people will complain.
when go to the theater if im full by the time the movie ends i just empty all the stuff i didn't finish onto the ground just pour my drink all over the floor and chuck my popcorn all over it.
i think im a pretty nice person as im helping these guys keep a job i always feel a bit of pride in myself when i help other people out
>>63652164
I wait until everyone else is gone and try to get as much soda on the seats as I can. theater seats aren't as absorbent as they used to be, though, so I just drizzle it along my entire row and in armrests and cup holders now. Plus, my theater has a satisfaction guarantee. If you're not happy, you can choose any minimum wage employee in a theater and make them hold their hand in the hot popcorn oil for up to 3 seconds.
>Cinema falcon drops a poopie on the floor
>Pour some popcorn over it to cover up the mess
I'm naughty, I don't even clean up the blood from my wounds after the designated shooter starts firing
>>63653051
>cinema falcon
Really europe?
I leave my dirty needles on the seat so the next person to sit down will get a nice surprise.
Bad idea. Let me tell you what happened to me:
>Take my wife's son to see Despicable Me 2 since my wife needs alone time
>Film was shitty
>My wife's son drops his bucket of popcorn halfway through the film
>$59.99 + tip worth of food wasted
>African-American cinema usher comes up and asks me to clean the mess
>I tell him I'm having a bad day as it is and I'd rather not pick up the overpriced food I had to pay for
>Get kicked out of the cinema for the third time, get blacklisted
>Go get ice cream with my wife's son, falcon eats too much and gets sick
>Go to the veterinarian ER, falcon gets admitted to the animal ICU
>Arrive home at 2 AM, catch my wife in bed with the cinema usher
I deserve it, I probably should have picked up the popcorn like I was told.
>tfw local theater is thinking about abolishing cinema slavery
No more heated baths, no more pre-movie massages, no more complementary blowjobs during the movie. Goddamn it.
I bring that nasty ass cat food in there and smear it all over the seat
>>63652656
Nothing to bless. I'm just doing a service to society.
For example there was another time my friends and I went to watch some huge movie, probably capeshit or whatever I can't remember. The thing is that theater expected so many people that they assigned seats. So my friends and I get to the place. To our surprise a bunch of people were sitting in our seats so we tell them and they say "dude there's a thousands seats free just sit somewhere else". So we go to the retard guy with the flashlight that is supposed to be in charge and he tells us to find other seats. So I went back to the shop, bought like 15 big gulps and poured all of them all over random seats. The more people arriving the more people noticed their seats were soaked so they sat in a different place, which lead to more people arriving to find their seats taken, which lead to some of them finding some of the seats were taken, rinse and repeat. The shitstorm was hilarious.
When I was fired for stealing snacks I went to see a movie I knew would have few people in there. I then shit diarrhea in my popcorn and threw it across the room.
>>63653826
I usually bring a fondue pot into the theater and if the movie is shit, i just dump all the melted cheese on my chair.
>>63653036
I usually pour all the bath salts down the drain in the showers
one bag is like 12 bucks so it's at least 100 bucks they lose
>tfw no pats on back for offloading a fart near the designated Theatre Thief
thought i'd get free movie tickets or something at least
I shoot everyone in the movie theater right before the movie starts. xD
Monthly I take off work and shit in the back row. I go to a old movie during the first or second showing so I'm usuallly alone.
>>63652164
>never heard of crab sticks
perfect for eating in cinemas. just undo the wrapping first.
diarrhea }; ^]
>>63652973
lmfao
>go to theater with friends
>order giant tub of popcorn
>refillable
>we have no intention of watching the movie
>we want to see how much popcorn we can eat
>we go sit down
>stuff ourselves with popcorn
>empty the whole thing
>send fat friend out for more
>repeat
>over and over again
>we all get full except fat friend
>he keeps going
>the movie ends
>fat friend goes back up to the counter
>gets another refill
>pours it all into his mouth in front of the employee
>we leave
Good times.
I remember as a kid buying a lot of candy and sitting in the back. Me and my friend would throw the candy high up in the air and watch it hit someone. Fun times
>>63654236
Not today monjoure ado. I do not like the movie too! For right now i will poo with you.
Every nerd stays for the capeshit outro but today they get my bowel flow. When the credits are playing i'm poising up, my seat is half folded and sticking out my butt.
I huff and i puff and i blow the poo out, this is my loo now and you need to hear me out.
Four times now i have struck back at this outrageous organization and they will not catch me for i am half asian.
What is the worst shit you have ever taken in the theater? I had to shit so hard and after keeping it in for 30 min I shit in the cup holder and it could barely fit.
There's literally nothing wrong with pissing yourself so you don't have to sprint to the restrooms and miss parts of the movie.
The propaganda minister at my cinema wants to force all single's to have to wear identification armbands
>>63653998
this one got me for some reason
>>63654297
The trick is you need to suck on them for a while so they get partly dissolved. It's going to fuse with whatever it touches. If you can hit the screen they'll never get it all the way off.
>>63654528
>he doesn't actually attend Fondue with Falcon night
my only bad theatre experience, and my revenge.
>go to see furious 6 or whatever the fuck the 6th instalment was called, like to take mars bars with me
>it's pretty packed
>some guys are using their phones and taking pictures in front of me
>get up after a while
>ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? i shout
>they calm down for a whole of 1 minute
>as i sit down, realise i've had a mars bar in my back pocket
>squashed, melted
>fuck sake, luckily not opened
>go out, talk to the assistant about these guys
>he actually gets them out, but they come back in, laughing at me
>must have said some shit like they're gonna tell all their friends this place is shit
>i go out again, as they continue to be assholes
>he asks them to step outside once more
>i predict they will be back
>remember my mars bar
>take it out, wipe it on their seats
>only manage to get to 2 before they come back
>only put enough so they wouldn't notice
>movie ends
>leave behind them
>point and laugh at one of them that they've shit themselves
>for some reason the guy freaks out
>starts rubbing at his ass whilst apologising and sweating with the occasional wimper
>this point i feel a little bad
>says 'THIS HASN'T HAPPENED IN 2 YEARS!'
>he realises it's chocolate after a good 15 seconds
>his friends begin to burst out laughing
>i walk off satisfied, yet feel a little assholey
>>63651890
I take a nice shit on the floor, I've jizzed on a seat once
>>63654778
probably didn't happen...but you're quite subtle my friend
>6/10
>>63654764
where do you plug the fondue? or do you have a small fire?
>>63655483
>not having a sterno stove in you cinema-pack
>>63655483
no fires allowed at my theatre but im cool with the manager and he lets me string together a few extension cords to power my hot plate
