/swg/ screen writing thread!
What have you guys been writing? Any ideas you've been kicking around? Any shorts you guys just made?
Limited-time offer: post any interesting historical facts, plots, titles, phrases, or other ideas and I will offer free critique.
How do I go about posting up a short for y'all to read?
>>63621483
i've been working on an idea bout a famous movie star who is also word class chef. his contracts stipulates that he also caters for each film he does. on his newest project, his so-hot-right-now female costar complains about the food that is provided.
>>63621527
Read it aloud and post a vocaroo link
>>63621624
fuck you
>>63621527
Google docs
>>63621483
JUST
I posted this in the last thread, but it archived almost immediately after. Here's an absurdist comedy short I wrote (6 pages).
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4L1UWR7ZjcZTWlrZkRCd2NFWkE/view?usp=sharing
>>63621514
300-style movie about the fall of Constantinople.
>The last Byzantine emperor, Constantine XI Palaiologos, was last seen casting off his imperial regalia and throwing himself into hand-to-hand combat after the walls of the city were taken
>>63622002
I really like it actually. Which I cant say about much of the shit i read on this russian tea forum
>>63622539
thanks familia
>>63622059
Could be truly great, but here's the key: it needs to be a comedy.
Working on a short spinoff to a no-budget feature I "helped" work on, so the thing is pretty much cast, but I'm wondering if I'm putting too much inflection/direction into the writing. I want to make it feel natural and very flawed to really represent how nervous the character is, but I'm not sure if I should write that in or just leave it to the performance.
Like is this really awful or really not awful?And yes I put my own formatting rule into the script and I stand by it.
It's a spy movie without spies.
It's about the intertwining stories of four government employees from each major power in the early-70s who discover an intricate web of surveillance espionage that could go potentially awry, and try to stop it.
>>63622814
>Dez
Last name Nuts?
>>63622865
I didn't come up with the name, but it's pronounced "Dehz".
>>63622814
>that formatting
>>63622002
Wow that was really entertaining. Got some good laughs out of it, and I like the themes it covers (if I understood it correctly). Do you have any plans to film it, or get someone to film it?
>>63623040
I'd like to film it at some point, but I've never made a short before and this one seems like something that would be easy to mess up if you don't know what you're doing. I'd rather do something simpler first, and then do this one as my second or third.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6t8zwDraDOIcjBtLWxZeUdjMms/view?usp=sharing
can i get opinions on it?
>>63623253
I should add. It's written partially jokingly because I wrote it just to make with my friends tomorrow, and figured i'd get an opinion or two on it.
>>63623253
>63623253
>>63623330
Its shit
>>63622002
What in the fuck...
I mean, it's pretty good, but holy shit what the hell did I just read?
>>63621483
A Horror/Western set in early colonial New Zealand.
>>63623579
Can i maybe get a reason why?
>>63621483
An Agatha Christie-style murder mystery set on an Old West ranch.
>>63622002
Entertaining, anon. Glad I took the time to read that.
Really got some fun images in my head when the letherman part came on.
>>63623253
It's pretty bad. And by that I mean, it's not very interesting and it doesn't really make sense. At first I thought it was supposed to be funny, but by the end I felt like it was supposed to be an action flick/ suspense thriller. But it's not really funny or exciting, so it doesn't matter either way.
How do you go about doing adaptations?
I need to rewrite 12 Angry Men for a film class.
>>63623330
Any time someone has to condition their work and say 'oh it's not the best i wrote it because x' I discard their submission. Stand by your work or I refuse to read it.
>>63623756
It's supposed to be a crime genre thing.
>>63623798
Take 12 Angry Men and modernize it. Maybe cop killer/police brutality case?
>>63623805
Alright then, I stand by that. Seeing as how tomorrow im gonna make it.
>>63623798
in addition to what i said >>63623841 you can also set it in the past. Just change the situation and environment and suddenly it becomes different while keeping core of the story (guy changes everyone's minds about someone who they thought was undoubtedly guilty)
anybody recommend any good books on tips for screenplay writing and publishing?
>>63623854
Is what you submitted your best work?
>>63623906
Probably not. I dont feel like i have enough time to write my best work. I'm also bad at writing shorts.
>>63623944
See? Reread what you just said and ask, "Do I want to read this work?"
>>63623841
>>63623874
The plan was to modernize it.
It's just difficult because most of the actors I have to work with our black women.
>>63623798
12 Angry White Cis-Het Males
The defendant is a Tumblr SJW who's being put on trial by the patriarchy.
>>63623805
Who the fuck are you?
>>63623962
Fuck. You're right.
>>63623962
Instead of getting him to be confident, why don't you judge his work and tell him what exactly you think about it? He asked for a critique, not some swammi level horseshit from a random on the internet.
>>63623991
>>63624026
I'm someone he's trying to get to read his work, right? If he wants me to read his work, then he better not hand it out like "Oh, well, jeez, uh, could you guys read this, it's not very good, and I didn't get the formatting right, and I misspelled a few words, also a few pages are missing, and I've already started a new script about something completely different, but please give me your critique!"
>>63624002
Listen, I'm going to read your script and give you a critique. But seriously, if you want people to read your shit, the last thing you need to do is be weedy about it. Just say, "Here's my work, I hope you enjoy it." That's it.
>>63624026
Why is Socratic critique no longer a thing?
Who is better qualified to examine and challenge than one's own self?
>>63624102
Stop making digest posts. I've withheld my response to your post because you deigned to respond to multiple posts at once.
>>63624131
Then respond to me right now, anon
>>63624114
Anybody else? Like...what?
>>63623747
Thanks for reading. How do you feel about the pacing of the ending? I ask because it seems to drag a little bit to me. I'm wondering if some things can be cut.
>>63623253
Really enjoyed this. Like most anons had some good images pop in my head.
>>63624102
Thank you.
>>63624236
Thanks man. I appreciate it.
>>63624236
You definitely quoted the wrong person.
>>63624230
Not him, but I thought it was fine. Nothing caught my attention as bad the first time reading, and going back, even looking for pacing issues etc, I found none.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6t8zwDraDOIcjBtLWxZeUdjMms/view?usp=sharing
Give me opinions on it, please.
Is this the Star Wars General?
>>63624170
Who the fuck are you?
>>63624252
Okay I read >>63623253. It's written pretty poorly. Formatting issues and a lot of added unnecessary fluff (like a fag, for example). You're inefficient with your word usage and a lot of the action is stunted.
Rewrote your script. Didn't change the plot (which is also pretty poor--there's almost nothing there and the characters don't react reasonably, at least, with what we're presented. Are Tom and Sean friends? Is what's in the box so important Sean would murder Tom, especially since he's already gotten the box back? You don't have to say what's in the box, but at least make me care about it.)
Form aside, the content is almost nonexistent. This is a script about nothing in particular. A guy takes his another guy's nondescript box. His friend is some turbo autistic terminator-like guy and shoots him. Who cares?
http://pastebin.com/T5unsTwg
Enjoy
>>63624217
You'd rather have someone else figure out a problem for you than solve it yourself?
>>63624676
A guy on a mandalorian crotchet and bacci-ball enthusiast posting board who reads and writes scripts, dog. And who knows not to be super cringey when you present your work to someone. If I posted something here, I'd say that it was worth reading, because I respect that random strangers on the internet don't owe me shit. If I said "Yeah my shit sucks, but read it anyway" to any professional, I'd be (and rightly so) laughed out of xir office.
>>63622002
Great script Ross McGuinn.
>>63624752
Why are you so very concerned with how someone presents something to you? Have you ever read Freud?
>>63624698
Thanks for your opinions, It had fag in it and shit because it had been originally intended just to be read by friends. I appreciate your criticism based on plot. I'm going to work on it
>>63624817
You have limited time on earth, anon, as do I. If someone says, "Read my script, I've worked hard to perfect it, and I want your opinion" and another person says "Read my script, it sucks but what're you gonna do", whose script would you rather read?
>Freud
Come on, anon. Even with just Psych 101 under my belt I know that Freud's considered outmoded.
>>63624843
Don't bother working on it. It's not worth saving.
Try to create something new. Use my advice and make something new. What you wrote isn't worth anything and can never be made into anything good. Discard it.
I don't want to post the same script I've posted in here the past three or so threads (Simon, Manny, magic pill, Perception) but I want to contribute.
>>63624843
Yeah, I understand that it's all memey for your friends (which is fine, by the way--if you're producing your script, write it in fucking alphabet soup if you so please. I didn't change the camera directions because I gleaned that you were producing it yourself, but it's just a good habit to have to not write as casually as that).
It's not necessarily the worst thing I've ever read, anon. And for the most part you have form down (the only thing you need to really cut out is "we see" or something like that. Of course we see. We're watching a movie, nigga)
>>63624782
>>63624869
>You have limited time on earth, anon, as do I
Why are you wasting your precious time on /tv/?
I have a serious answer for this, but do you?
>>63624917
Yeah, it was entirely meant to be memey with my friends. I've written other shit that isn't memey at all I wanted it to read as simply for my retarded friends.
>>63624942
It's 12:30AM, what else should I be doing? My grill is sitting right next to me, I've completed all my shit for tomorrow, and there's nothing good to watch. All I wanna do is shitpost on /tv/, dog.
>>63624984
Leaving now because my thread exposing how spoiler text is plaintext posted in URLs was deleted. I did want to keep talking to you, though. Goodbye.
>>63625065
You're a pussy bitch
>>63622002
This is profoundly retarded and I can only assume you samfagged those compliments.
>>63623798
I have the solution....Sci-fi
>>63625107
Not the writer, but how about offering actual critique? I know I enjoyed, but it's fine if you didn't. However, instead of calling it retarded and assuming no one else could possibly like it, say something worthwhile
>>63625119
Please don't let this be real.
>>63625119
MODS!
>>63625156
Where are the jokes. It's just PIGS LMAO for 6 pages. That's not how absurdism works.
>>63625409
I thought the imagery on the video towards the end of the two pigs slapping Pig #3 to the beat of the bongos was the funniest part.
And the absurdism isn't in pigs performing, it's in adults going full retard and people being all for it. I suppose the humor of that isn't for everyone (although I found it funny), but did you not get the point it was trying to make?
>>63623253
I liked it, but may I ask what the point of the scene with the agent was? Was is so we could see him thinking "this'll make us rich"? If so, it seems that, if you're looking to cut a little down, that would be the place to do it
>>63625409
I'm the guy that wrote it. Full disclosure, I don't really know what absurdism means. I just thought it was funny and absurd, so I used that word.
>>63621514
He will offer to steal ur shit is all..
Real writers dont share their OC
they need it to pay the bills
I'm absolutely at the beginning of the creative process with this movie concept i've been thinking of. I've wanted to tell sort of a Taxi Driver-esque, film noir style story about a lonely hitman in New York City, filmed entirely in black and white. He makes hits for the mob full-time and anyone else willing to pay on the side. He lives in cold solitude, spending most of his time driving around in a black and white 1970 Dodge Challenger or in his near empty apartment. To sum up the plot, I was thinking that he's such an effective killer, he spends all of his time taking out groups of the mob's hardest enemies, but soon they hire another guy, and they reassign him (the original protag) to making hits in poorer areas of the city. On one of his jobs, his target is a poor guy who didn't pay up what he promised, but upon entering his house for the kill, the protag sees the man is barely able to support his innocent family, and is in hysterics begging for his life. He spares his life and gives him another week out of mercy. A few more jobs in the poor areas end up similarly, and he soon sees how evil the mob is for killing these struggling people. the protag the takes it upon himself to bring down the mob and kill the leader. keep in mind this is the BASIC PLOT. There's a hell of a lot more that I didn't include here
>>63625941
I think it's a good start. One thing I would expect to happen, is the mob kills off that family that he showed mercy to as a sort of power play. They want him to know that he can't keep doing stuff like that.
Of course at this point he's become emotionally attached to them and maybe their deaths are the final straw that convince him to go after the mob.
That's just an idea though.
>>63626070
I really like that actually. When I said that there was a lot I didn't mention, I had something like that in mind. One major plot detail I didn't include earlier for the sake of brevity was that he meets a girl at a corner diner he goes to every morning. She sees him always coming in so serious and unhappy looking, and she decides to strike up a conversation with him. over time, they form a relationship and she soon becomes a beacon of happiness in his life. the more they spend time with each other, the film slowly starts to gain color (but never fully). After the mob finds out about him not killing their targets, they not only come for the families, but the girl too. When she is killed off in front of him, the film immediately fades back into black and white and becomes darker than ever. Thoughts? nothing is completely rigid here yet anyway
A convicted pedophile who's reached rock bottom sneaks into an elementary school out of frustration. While he's inside, the school is overtaken by a domestic terrorists. With all the teachers locked up in the faculty room, the only man able to save the hundreds of children held hostage is the one man who was intent on molesting them.
>>63626505
That's amazing, you should flesh it out more.
>>63626505
Would watch, if the pedophile saving the school would be different from any other person saving the school.
In other words, I wouldn't want to watch a regular story of a man saving a school from terrorists, with pedophilia only coming into play as the reason the man is there in the first place. I would want the pedophilia to affect his fight and his experience. Not sure how that would work, but I guess that's your job
>>63626575
There's already part of a screenplay written for it. It's an old /tv/ idea that showed up in /swg/ threads like 4 years ago. there's even a poster
>>63626647
/tv/ should actually group write it like /lit/ does.
