>Sir you want some crab legs?
>You aren't gonna buy them here and then
bring them into the kinotarium? Are you?
>You know that the supermarket and cinema are in coalition and there's a death penalty if you are caught by the Shower guards? Right?
>be driving with a girl
>she tells me to go to the movie theater
>literally drive across the city to the furthest movie theater
>instead of watching a movie, she just wanted to say hi to a guy who works there
>she says he can take her home and that I can go now
>leave without her and drive back
>mfwwe were with her boyfriend and I was laughing at that miserable schmuck the whole way back to his trailer
I dont fucking understand all of this blatant autism
>go to see the latest kino at my local multiplex
>the pigs are still being feed corn and i have to walk to the theater #2 slide instead of riding Babe
Im American and this is asinine
>>72044158
Godspeed, brother Bill. I know you didn't really rape those women.
Seriously, what the fuck is this thread?
>>72044286
>>72044257
Please lurk more before posting.
>>72044158
THAT'S THE WRONG ROBERT!
>>72044311
Lurking isnt the probably faggot, this thread is a waste
Mods should delete this autism
>>72044333
*problem
>Be me
>recently got a girlfriend
>Drive her to the kinotek while blasting nightcall
>arrive there
>no singles policy
>i say
>"it's ok have gf"
>"no"
>gf was only a figment of my imagination
>mutter "I.....D-drive"
>run away while the guards clap
>wanted to see a flick a couple of days ago
>my falcon cant make it because shes having triple bypass from all the butter popcorn i feed her
>go to rent-a-falcon, they refuse to take my credit card because it has my falcons name on it
>withdraw money and pay cash
>they only have a giant owl named Rupert available
>go to the movies with Rupert, he refuses to sit on my shoulder and flys off
>forget i had the leash on, he drags me in the air and across the theater as my feet hit the heads of everyone else there
>"in too deep" starts playing
>>72044625
That's rough man
>go turn in my kino credits at the theater
>they say they wont let me in unless they scan me and my falcon to see where we are on the spectrum
>i get high functioning, Tobias gets diagnosed as a particularly bad case
>he shits on my shoulder and smirks while he flys off to land on another anon inside
>go to see Ghostbusters
>not awful but kind of generic
>grab my caddy
>head to the theater showers
>forgot sandals
>FUCK
>cant walk through lobby with dry hair
>dig through trash for some popcorn bags
>tie them around my feet with red vines
>hit the showers
>no fucking spots open
>sit on the bench
>hate the bench
>directly at ass level
>step on pile of discarded shrimp tails
>this asshole brought his shrimp into the shower
>dude next to him is taking some out of the guys caddy and eating them
>shrimp guy tell him to fuck off
>they get in a fight
>slipping around on the tile
>land with a thud and the shower guards come in
>they get bounced
>sweet, a spot
>dude next to me is filling his soda cup with shower water and drinking it
>mfw
>>72044836
Bravo
>>72044836
I remember my first shower fight, i took Johan (his falcon) and drowned it in the toilet
>>72044228
>>72044943
>drowning another mans theater falcon
Thats fucking depraved m8
>go to drive-in to see a movie in my convertible
>crab leg smell attracts sea eagles
>my falcon panics and flies away
>tfw work at a supermarket.
>Pushing carts in 100 degree weather, humid as fuck, people walking around in their underpants as Chad bench presses two chicks in the parking lot while getting a tan.
>See some fat fuck try to hide a bunch of oiled up, buttery crab legs underneath his metalica trench coat.
>Not supposed to say anything about theft, but this is America and I am free to be a corperate shill if I so wish, so I yell to him.
>He falls over and crab legs pour out of his jacket, some impale him in his fatty thighs.
>Starts roasting in the middle of the road, smells like barbecue.
>Folks gather around and smell grilled fat and butter, everybody's hungry.
>Laugh with everybody as the deli connesures drag out the meat grinding machine, everybody's grabbing their Force Awakens limited edition plates from their pockets.
>Crowd starts chanting "WE WANT MEAT, WE WANT TO EAT" over and over again.
>Fatso crying and begging for help, I lean down and see in his pocket a single dvd.
>Realize he's from /tv/, maybe I should save him, bros before foes after all.
>It's fucking Civil War
>He pirated a capeshit movie and burned it on a disk.
>Grab the meat cleaver and get ready to feed the hungry crowd, sell his meat for fifty bucks a pound, 25% off.
It was a good day.
Threads like these really make me glad I haven't been to the cinema in more than 6 years.
>>72044228
Wait so she boned some dude at the theater while you drove back with her boyfriend?
I fucking hate the shower guards, one time I got butter in my pubes after trying the popcorn trick, I was in there 5 seconds longer than my allocated time and they turned the water scalding hot, got first degree burns, fascists.
>>72045207
You use one of these? I shiggy diggy you aren't one of those poor saps who do it by hand with a bungie cord.
>>72045207
is any of this true?
>>72045348
pic related
>>72045370
my nigga.
do Americans really bring their falcons into the shower? Is there no kiosk for you to leave them until you get out?
>>72044836
>>72044836
>head to drive-thru
>try to rent my favourite giraffe
>chad has him
>have to settle for ostrich
>watching film
>ostrich has head stuck into ground
>suddenly reads up and starts shitting eggs everywhere
>spill my lobster over the floor
>other animals start going mad
>drive-through police walk up and throw me out for disturbing the peace
Thinking of getting this for the theater, they don't sell them so so I'm afraid I'll have to sneak it in.
>tfw it's penis inspection day
>>72045485
But won't that frighten your theater falcon as well?
>>72045516
>not abstaining from jerking off for the week before the inspection so that the inspector is legally obligated to extract your semen
>>72045516
>tfw your theater has a no-phimosis policy
>His theater doesn't have a singles only ball pit
>>72045516
>Be swedish
>go to american cinema
>penis inspection
>have foreskin
>the foreskin alarm goes of
>The inspector takes out his great sword from the crusades
>he circumcises me infront of the clapping crowd
>"your free to go now sir"
>>72046105
You got off easy. They must have been more forgiving because you were a foreigner.
>>72046081
If you take cover near the end of the movie the bomb blasts barely graze you, makes it worth it for only 30 bucks a ticket.
>>72046771
what is that girl cosplaying as
>>72045404
Its 15 bucks for the falcon concierge im not paying that shit
>>72046820
>Let me watch this little guy for you. That'll be a $14.99 tip.
>mfw I only lose an arm during the machete attack and get patched up so I can finish watching Tarzan.
do they still do machete attacks at you're theatres?
>>72045404
>yuropoors can't afford the minimal extra fee to wash their birds
>>72046812
The character from the videogame called journey.
>>72046962
Mine phased them out a few years back and replaced them with the designated cinema shooter
>Go to local kinosphere
>Ask them where the men's showers are
>Sorry sir, due to anti-discrimination laws we replaced the gendered showers with a mixed open shower in the lobby
>Look behind me
>Shower heads are simply coming up from the middle of the floor
>Completely full of women, a sorority had a movie night and a girl scout troop is having a soap fight over by the falcon concierge
>thinking I'll just skip the shower
>Sorority girl sees my hesitation
>Comes over and jerks down my cargo shorts and rips off my Goku shirt
>Leads me into the shower
>They notice my fully erect manhood
>Wow its so cute, like a babies!
>Coochie-go! they say as they all assist in cleaning my sausage
>No, please stop
>Cum hard
>Shoots across the room and hits one of the girl scouts in the backs of the head
>WOW ANON, a Girl Scout says, You know the penalty for buttering the popcorn of an underage girl, right?
>End up getting sent to the Cunny Control Center with all the Girl Scouts
>Tortured for hours
>Wasn't able to get an erection for 2 weeks afterwards
>Banned from all kinospheres in the state for a year
>Permanently banned from all Schneider-kino for life
Fuck movies
>>72047055
I honestly can't fucking stand how SJW's have latched onto cinema shooter rights this year. Providing free guns to underprivileged shooters is a nice thought but the increase in ticket prices is ridiculous.
>>72047459
Don't even get me started on the new monthly penis inspection rules
>>72047168
Please have sex
>>72049544
Having sex at cinema will get you kicked out you mischeafing fuck
>>72049658
Well obviously if you don't have a license.
>>72049658
>He doesn't book the sex booth
but i only jerk off there hahaha jokes on em
>go to local kino dispensary
>buy ticket for $20 +processing fee +tax +tip +security fee
>get lucky, able to get one of the limited edition ghostbusters steaks seared with the logo on it
>tip the ticket taker, no singles policy day nice
>get to my theater, manage to find an open seat this is going great
>mfw i realize i forgot my laptop and headphones to watch the movie on
>hit the showers early
you people are always the worst. I had a particularly unsettling experience at the cinema the other day:
>Taking my wife's son to see the new Star Wars
>Cinema security see me with my wife's son (who's black, obviously) and conclude I must have abducted him
>Get taken aside into Cinema holding cell and interrogated for 4 hours by a heavyset, 300 lbs security guard with the name tag 'Latifa'
>I am stripped and beaten with a garden hose for several hours before having my knuckles broken and forced to sign a confession
>Immediately taken to the Cinema court room and tried as a sex offender, sentenced to chemical castration and hard labor
>Spend six back-breaking months turning the cogs that make the popcorn machines work, deep underground in chain gangs
>diet consists of rats found whilst cleaning out the cinema sewerage system
>eventually take part in a daring prison escape to freedom which involves dressing up one inmate as Melissa McCarthy and another as Mel Gibson, pretending to promote a new film of theirs we had carefully fake arranged
>Get home; wife has kicked me out and married Tyrone, didn't even get to find out if my wife's son made it home after I got fucking arrested half a year ago
>Didnt even see star wars and cant get my fucking money back because I'm still wanted there.
>>72051104
You say this happened the other day but then say you spent 6 months being forced to work.
This inconsistency in your story leads me to believe you made it up.
The worst part is when the movie stops halfway, and you have to fill up your seat with gasoline from the nearby fuel pump to resume the movie.
>>72044836
these posts are pure art. i thank you
>>72049734
>only have provisional theater licence
>can't use the showers alone
got my test coming up next month.
>having a bad day after failing penis inspection at school
>decided to head to local kinoarena
>Got some time to kill before Ghostbusters starts
>My Falcon loves the Kino's DDR machine
>Arcade completely filled. DDR is out of order
>No problem the Mass Effect 3 still working
>Guy who was already on it has been hogging it for half hour now
>Get into an argument with him and calls me a faggot. Im upset now.
>"It's just a prank bro"
>Whatever, look at my limited edition Force awakens watch and realize the movie will start soon.
>I run there but tbe door man stops me and says it's too late. Won't let me in.
>Ask for a refund
>"No problem xir. All i need is the policy number on the ticket
>Realize i forgot to buy insurance
>By the time i drove home ths crab legs all spoiled
>>72044733
lmao
>at the tri-state flick viewing hanger watching the new ghostbusters
>forget to silence my parrot and he starts yelling kino
>the crowd is upset, and people start yelling its a flick not a kino
>end up getting arrested and now I have to work in the crab harvesting fields in the parking lot
>>72044228
Both of you are huge cucks.
>>72044158
Only make sure you cleaned all the crud off your dick. Uncircumsized must go through a secondary inspection.
>>72044158
>kinotarium
fuck im dying
>tfw no poop buckets in the theater
